


love me better

by redwaterdust



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Accident, Alt er Love, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Even Bech Næsheim, Bottom Isak Valtersen, Caring Even Bech Næsheim, Coma, Cute Even Bech Næsheim and Isak Valtersen, Depressed Even Bech Næsheim, Depression, Domestic Evak, Evak - Freeform, Even Bech Næsheim Loves Isak Valtersen, F/M, Flashbacks, Grumpy Isak, Guilt, Horny Isak, Hurt Isak Valtersen, Insecure Isak, Isak Valtersen Loves Even Bech Næsheim, Isak's Birthday, Kissing, Long-Term Relationship(s), Love, M/M, Make up sex, Marriage, POV Even Bech Næsheim, POV Isak Valtersen, Parallel Universes, Sad Isak Valtersen, Sex, Soft Isak, The Infinite Ones, Top Even Bech Næsheim, Trauma, Wedding Night, Weddings, lonely Isak
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-05-16 09:34:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 163,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14808767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redwaterdust/pseuds/redwaterdust
Summary: Even seems to be distancing himself from Isak, who in turn has trouble understanding why. The lack of communication leads to some old wounds coming back to haunt the two, only days prior to their seventh anniversary.





	1. Red Velvet Box

**Author's Note:**

> A glimpse at the future of one possible Isak and Even version.

_There was no traffic as Even and Isak drove home. "Did you have fun?", he asked Isak, who was watching Even as he held Even's right hand in between his own._

_"I did. I couldn't wait to leave, though" he said, smiling._

_"Oh, yeah? Why?" Even asked, without taking his eyes off the road._

_"Oh I just wanted to show you how much I loved what you did, but I couldn't really do it properly in front of all our friends" he teased Even, who immediately asked him to elaborate._

_"Well, there's only so many ways to show my appreciation while wearing clothes, see" he said, squeezing Isak's hands._

_"Six years, babe", Even points out, bringing Isak's hand closer to him, kissing it and then holding it close to his chest. "Six years. That's not a lot. Do you think it's a lot?", Isak asks him, carefully._

_"I don't know about it being a lot, but enough? It's not nearly enough"_

_"How much is enough?" Isak asks him._

_"I'm sure it's different in every parallel version of ours out there, as you say. But in this universe? I don't know that it'll ever feel like enough, not really" Even tells him, smiling._

_"Good answer" Isak says, biting his lip._

_"I'm serious, though" Even tells him, firmly._

_"I know, baby", Isak is quick to say, smiling back at Even._

_"How much is enough for you, you think?"_

_"There's no such thing as enough"_

**//**

The sun is barely up and Isak is in bed, still trapped in that moment when someone is not quite asleep, but not fully awake either. He moves his arm under the duvet and reaches out next to him, only to find that, once again, he is the only one in bed.

It's been happening more and more frequently lately. Even has been working on his film, and the post production has meant re-shooting four key scenes the studio didn't like. It also meant that, for the past two months, Even and Isak barely saw each other, with Isak working all day and Even working through the night. The only contact the have is through text messages and calls during their breaks, little notes left around the flat, and the occasional drawing Even hides for Isak to find - all those things, however, have also started to happen with less frequency, and Isak has been trying to talk to Even about it, if only he could talk to Even about it.

Isak is nothing but supportive, and Even knows this. Still, it's been two days since they last talked, almost two weeks since they've actually seen each other, and it's starting to feel like they don't even live together in the same flat. Filming was supposed to be over twenty one days ago - not that Isak has been counting. And it's difficult to prepare for their trip without knowing they'll actually be able to go to Morocco.

It took them years to book a flight, but last Valentines Day Even surprised Isak with the news, which to Isak meant Even was finally letting go of the accident, finally ready to move on.

None of that matters, Isak would be quick to tell himself, since what bothers Isak the most isn't the fact Even isn't around, nor is it the fact their trip is nonrefundable (Even purposefully booked it like that as a gesture of how much he was into the idea); it is that Isak misses Even, and he worries every time Even is too stressed at work he may have another episode. Also, what Isak can't admit to anyone, including himself, is that every night spent alone, every morning he wakes up alone breaks his heart, ever so.

**//**

"Two days?" Sana asks Isak while they sit on a bench outside her office having coffee.

"Two fucking days" he says, shaking his head.

"And that's unusual? I only ask because I know you guys are _'Isak and Even'_ , but two days without talking doesn't really constitute a crisis". The way she says it bothers Isak to no end. "We've been apart for longer, but never gone two days with absolute zero contact" he tells her, although he would've much preferred to throw a _fuck you_ in the middle there.

It's true, he and Even had been apart for longer, but it's one thing to go away somewhere and not see each other, but quite another to be in the same city, share the same flat and not see or talk to one another for days. They didn't have a fight, they weren't having any trouble. To Isak it's just strange, and not having a clear cause to it is worse.

It's not that he's not used to Sana and her sincerity. But she is nothing but kind, even when she isn't showing it and even when she judges him. Not since high school had he been offended by the way she can phrase certain things, not really anyway. But he did today. He expects sarcasm from her, but not disdain.

"Did you two fight?" she asks him without turning to meet his gaze. "No. There's nothing, Sana. We're good".

"And he's not off his meds again?" now she does look at Isak, who tells her that he would know if Even were off his meds again. "Then it's nothing to worry about. Unless..." she seems to remember something, something that made it all clear to her. "Maybe it's your anniversary?"

Isak hadn't thought of it. Until now, he didn't even remember the date, having been too caught up on figuring out what was going on with Even.

"And the fact that it's also a year since the accident?" she added, although it sounded more like a statement rather than a question.

It took a moment for Isak to consider what Sana had said. True, in a couple of days Even and he would celebrate their seventh year together. And yes, that meant that the date would also mark the first year since the accident no one ever seemed to want to talk about. Whenever the subject had come up in the months since it happened, people would always seem to breeze through it or, at most, use it like Sana had a moment ago, as a statement. It wasn't something that had happened to Isak and Even, rather it was this... **event**. An institution almost. _The Accident_ , like a chapter in a book they had all read but were still taking it in, not ready to discuss it.

At first, especially right after it had happened, Isak would hate that, mainly because he wished to remember it and thought talking about it would help. However, two things made him stop trying to talk about it: it hurt Even, a lot. He made sure Isak could talk to him, but Isak could see what it did to him, so he decided to simply move on, secretly hoping Even would, too; also, not long after, he _did_ remember, and once he had, Isak suddenly stopped wishing anyone would ask him about it. He was happy to not discuss it, willing to play along. No one knew he had regained his memory, though. Not even Even - _especially_ not Even.

Ultimately, as far as Isak is concerned, his approach to that fateful night remains more or less the same - memory or no memory, it was no one's fault, except the drunk driver who hit them. And as much as Even blames himself, it really was just an accident.

"He would've said something, though. If it had anything to do with that" Isak says slowly, almost unsure.

"I don't know, Isak. If anything I think it could be something Even _would_ freak out about" she told him. She was right, of course, and Isak didn't like it. This was probably the one thing Isak wasn't ready to talk to Even about, not at length at least.

"Just tell him how you feel, then" she said suddenly distracted.

"I would if you could fucking find him. I just told you, Sana. We haven't talked in two days. We haven't seen each other in over a week" Now he sounds annoyed.

"Shit. Sorry. It's Isak, he's been awful, lately" she tells him, sounding exhausted all of a sudden.

"I still can't believe you named your kid after me" he smiles, proudly. "Yes, well, pregnancy kills millions of neurons. I couldn't think of another name. I probably wouldn't be able to remember it, anyway" she says, serious, but breaking into a smile soon after.

"My point is: it's Even, Isak. I'm sure it's not something he is enjoying doing either, being away so much" she adds. Isak knows she's right, but still he can't seem to be able to drop the subject.

"I just hate that it's been a week since I've seen him, and two whole days since I heard his voice" he admits.

"It's his big break, though. You both knew it would take some adjusting" she tells him, looking at him kindly for once.

"I get it, and I'm so proud of him", Isak tells her. And he was. The day Isak found out Even was going to direct a big studio feature was one of the proudest days of his life.

"I just miss him, Sana. And you shouldn't miss someone who lives with you" he finally confesses.

**//**

It took Isak twice as long to walk back home that night. He made sure to take the longest way and also walked as slowly as he could. He didn't want to get home to an empty flat. It'd make him sad, and since being reminded of their anniversary, like a movie in his head, all he had been able to do was replay certain moments in his mind.

Like the day he first saw Even. Or when they first kissed. The first time they fought. The first time they made up. The make up sex. The time they fooled around in an empty classroom at Nissen. Or the time they almost got caught having sex on a beach.

And now Isak was horny. Great.

**//**

_Isak is looking out the window, quietly._

__

__

_"Are you tired?" Even asks him, softly, and Isak shakes his head and bites his lip._

_"Nope. I do want to go to bed, though"._

_"Trust me, I'm going as fast as I can" Even tells him._

_"It is pouring, isn't it? I love the rain" Isak adds. As he looks out his window, Isak notices a small yellow glow that disappears in about a beat._

_"What's that, over there?", he asks Even, curiously. Even doesn't say anything._

_"Isak, hold on" he orders him. "What?" ___

____

____

_"HOLD ON ISAK!", Even shouts, turning the steering wheel all the way to the right and putting his arm over Isak's chest, pinning him to his seat._

_It was over in a second. The light Isak saw was from a car who's driver had lost control and had veered into the wrong lane, their lane. Even was able to turn just in time, but the road was too wet._

_The airbags had failed. Even opened his eyes but couldn't focus, at first. His right arm was broken, and his head was pounding. He looked to the passenger's seat to find it empty. The windshield had a massive hole in it, and so Even immediately panicked, shouting Isak's name desperately. He managed to open the door and get out of the car._

_Isak had been thrown and was lying on the asphalt, facing down. Even ran to him as soon as he saw him. He wasn't moving. His head was badly hurt, there was blood everywhere, the rain made sure of it. Every cut on Isak's face kept getting bloodier and bloodier, despite all the water. Even didn't know what to do, his own head was pounding, his ears were ringing and he couldn't see properly, so he touched Isak, gently, in order to feel how badly hurt he was._

_It was bad. Even started shaking uncontrollably as he tried to put his hand over Isak's chest to feel his heart._

_Nothing._

_Even started screaming. It was a terrible sound, animal like. It was pure pain, utter desperation. He didn't know what to do. Isak was dead. He'd killed Isak. Oh my god, he'd killed Isak. That's all he could think of._

_He took Isak in his arms and lifted him up, not even feeling any pain. His broken bones were nothing, his own cuts and bruises meant nothing. He could only focus on Isak._

_"You can't be dead. Babe? Don't die on me. Don't die, Isak. Don't be dead", Even repeated softly._

_He started to walk. He figured he'd take Isak home, or maybe to a hospital - it didn't matter. He just wanted to get him out of the rain. He didn't want Isak to be cold. He was so cold. He needs to breathe. He has to breathe._

_"Isak..."_

**//**

When Isak gets home after a long day at the University he finds Even hasn't been to the flat. Everything is exactly how he had left that morning. Even the note he had left him with the words 'I miss you' remains at the kitchen counter, by the kettle. Isak bites hist lip, sighs frustrated as he takes his phone from his pocket and unlocks it, searching for a contact. He writes to Even

"At least you could fucking send me a damn text, Bech Næsheim". He then proceeds to dial.

"Hi, man. What's up?" Jonas says.

"Hey, have you had dinner already?" Isak asks him, hoping the answer is 'no'. He doesn't want to eat alone again. He doesn't want to stay in the flat either. He is now beginning to feel angry, not just upset anymore.

"Not yet. Eva is still not home from work. She had this meeting that was going to take most of the day. Are you okay?" There's no point in trying to lie to Jonas, Isak simply isn't able to. He is able to ignore him, though, and so he does.

"Pizza?" he proposes.

"Sounds good, come on over"

They hang up and Isak turns to leave the apartment. When he's almost at the door, his phone vibrates and lights up. It's a text from Even. Isak bites his lip as he unlocks the phone. 

"Sorry babe. I'll make it up to you, I promise"

Isak just stands there staring at the screen. It's like the other texts Even sent him this past week. Casual, short, almost like a line. And it's pissing off Isak to no end.

"You do that", Isak types angrily before turning off his phone and throwing it at the couch behind him. He leaves the apartment, mad as hell.

**//**

After dinner, Jonas and Isak share a blunt on the porch. They haven't talked about anything of consequence since Isak got there.

"How was class?", Jonas asks while passing the blunt to Isak, who inhales and grunts. "I hate teaching", he says, sounding frustrated.

"No you don't", Jonas tells him, smiling.

"I don't, but I do this week" he says while taking another hit.

"How's Even, then?", Jonas looks at Isak from his periphery and notices Isak tensing up. "Yeah, how _is_ Even? I don't fucking know", he admits.

"Still doing the re-shoot?"

"Or something like that, yeah", adds Isak, finally admitting to himself there may really be something wrong.

"The studio called a couple of days ago. Apparently the movie is finished, they even have a date already set for the release. November 21st. I'm supposed to convey the message to Even", Isak tells Jonas, and he goes from angry back to sad again.

"And you haven't?"

He hadn't. Then again, now that he thinks about it, he should, especially because he cannot keep running scenarios in his head anymore. Nor can he worry about Even when he knows he's been lying to him. He regrets leaving his phone at the flat, because he wants to text Even and tell him he knows. Tell him he knows he's full of shit and he is a bit of a shit himself for lying to Isak as if they had been dating for two months, instead of seven years. He decides he'll do that as soon as he gets home, back to his empty flat, where he will spend another night waiting for the fucker to come home to him, in vain.

**//**

After a few beers, Jonas asked Mahdi and Magnus to come over, in the hopes they would maybe cheer up Isak.

"Maybe he's cheating" Magnus said, brutally honest as always.

Jonas was wrong.

He and Mahdi looked shocked, while Isak was just barely paying attention.

"What the fuck, dude?" Jonas interjected. "It's Even, man" he concluded.

"I don't think so" Isak finally said, casually.

"Why not?" asked Mahdi, while Jonas regretted having them over.

"I just don't"

"Even wouldn't cheat" Jonas volunteered, rolling his eyes at Magnus.

"He did, though. He cheated on Sonja". Magnus, as always, was able to say just the one thing that would makes everything a bit uncomfortable.

"Seriously dude, shut up" Mahdi told him.

"What? I'm not saying I think he _is_ cheating. I just meant that, well-" but before he could finish, Isak had turned to Jonas.

"He did cheat on Sonja", said Isak.

"In high school. And that was different. Really, I can't believe you're taking relationship advice from Magnus", Jonas said.

"Why wouldn't he?", Magnus sounds insulted.

"Magnus gave me the best relationship advice of my life". And like that, Isak was instantly having the biggest of flashbacks, traveling back in time to when Magnus helped him understand Even's bipolar disorder. Isak is fond of this memory, in more ways than one. He likes how it's so vivid in his head, the way his mind was cleared and how certain he was of what he felt.

"Thanks, Isak" Magnus is beaming. "Anytime, dude", he concludes.

"You can't agree with him, though?", Jonas says it in total disbelief.

"Of course I don't", Isak is quick to reply, laughing. "But he has a point. Even cheated on Sonja with me, so", he adds.

"So how come you don't think he'd cheat now?", Mahdi wonders.

"It's not that I think he wouldn't or couldn't. But I know him, that is something he would tell me almost right after it had happened". Isak was being completely honest.

"Isak, defend your man, dude. I can't believe I'm more adamant about defending Even than you are" Jonas tells him. He doesn't understand why Isak is just sitting there listening to Magnus and Mahdi debate the extent of Even's supposed cheating. Isak doesn't buy it though, also he has been trying to push one specific memory further and further into his mind, in hopes it can crawl back and vanish, if only for a while.

They veer the subject to Isak's trip to Morocco. "Do you think you'll still go?", Mahdi asks.

"Probably. But I really don't know". It's the truth. Isak doesn't know if the trip will happen at all. He hasn't thought of it as much, but now that Mahdi has brought it up, he realizes it's only two weeks away.

**//**

_"Even..." Isak mumbled, almost whimpering._

__

__

_But Even didn't hear him. Even couldn't stop saying Isak's name and saying how sorry he was._

_"Please forgive me. I love you. Isak, wake up, I love you, please wake up. I should've been more careful. There's so much we still need to do. I need to do. I should've done it different. I should've loved you better, you need to be loved better, Isak. I'm so sorry"._

_Even carried Isak for five miles, eventually being spotted by a policeman who stopped him and took them both to the hospital. By then, Even had stopped talking to Isak. He had stopped talking altogether._

_Once in the hospital he was almost catatonic. Almost. When the nurses tried taking Isak from his arms, Even became aggressive and had to be tackled so he would let go. It took three security guards, one nurse and the policeman who had driven them to contain him._

_He sat at the waiting area, soaking wet, for hours. He didn't even notice when Sana came in, looking completely out of her own mind with worry._

_"Even, what happened? How's Isak? Are you okay?", but it didn't work. Even wasn't there. He was replaying the moment he saw Isak lying on the ground, over and over in his head. He killed Isak. Isak was dead. He wishes he were dead._

_Jonas came running in, holding hands with Eva, who had clearly been crying._

_"Even, what happened? Sana? What's going on? Where's Isak?", he pleaded. Sana got up to hug Eva, crying. Even didn't move._

_"No one will tell us anything. NO ONE", she said, looking back at Even. Jonas sat next to him, putting his arm around him and that was when Even noticed where he was. He looked at Jonas and as tears began to cover his face, and as he resumed shacking uncontrollably, he told him what had happened. "I killed him, Jonas. Oh my God, Isak..."_

_Jonas hugged him and said nothing. His eyes were full of tears, but he didn't cry._

_Eva was standing in front of them and tried taking hold of his hand, but he flinched as she did._

_"Are you hurt?", she asked, startled._

_"Oh my God, Even, your arm!"_

_Sana turned to look at him and dropped to her knees as she took his hand on hers._

_"I... I carried him", he said._

_Sana immediately went to fetch a doctor, who came and took Even inside, to triage. When he came back he had a cast on and had been medicated. He seemed even more absent. With Even back in the waiting area, Magnus, Vilde, Yosef, Mahdi and Chris arrived. They all surrounded him, trying to comfort him, but he pulled away every time someone got near him. Anyone except Jonas. He knew what Isak meant to Jonas._

_A few hours later, the surgeon who operated on Isak came to talk to them._

_"He's in a induced coma, because of the surgery. He suffered significant trauma, but we expect him to recover. It will just take some time. The next few days will be critical" he told them._

_They all looked a each other, not knowing how to feel. Jonas sat back down next to Even, but there was no reaction. He seemed gone._

**//**

When he gets home, Isak finds Even sitting on the living room couch, holding Isak's phone. He looks nervous. He looks tired, Isak thinks. But Isak could give a shit.

"Why the hell did you turn off your phone?", Even asks, worried but also relieved to see Isak.

"Shouldn't you be at work?", Isak tells him, calmly but making sure Even notices the 'I don't give a shit' that accompanies it. He then goes in the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. Even stands up and follows him, leaning on the counter and waiting for Isak to turn to face him.

He doesn't. Instead, he closes the refrigerator door and heads to their bedroom. Even follows him again, but before they reach the bedroom door Isak turns to him.

"I forgot, the studio called. They set a date for the release", he says it and looks fixed into Even's, waiting for him to react.

"Oh?", he says, as he looks at Isak like he knows what Isak is thinking. He probably doesn't, not this time anyway.

"Yeah. Sometime in November. I should've written it down so I wouldn't forget. But it's been two days since they've called and over a week since I've seen you, and I've been so busy giving a shit I forgot". He doesn't sound angry, even though he is. He's hurt, and now Even does know it. Isak turns back and walks to their bedroom.

"Isak-"

"Go back to work, Even", he says as he closes the bedroom door. He doesn't slam it, he doesn't raise his voice. He just closes the door, takes off his clothes and falls down to bed, defeated.

Even opens it slowly, finding Isak turned on his side, facing the window - the only source of light. He walks over to the bed, climbs on it and kneels beside Isak. Isak doesn't acknowledge him. He remains still, trying so hard to fall asleep. Even places one hand on Isak's shoulder, and Isak wants to pull away, he wants to just tell him to fuck off and leave, but this is the first time in over a week since he's felt Even's touch, and he needs it. So much so that he is frozen by it.

"Isak?", Even says, softly.

"Why did you lie, Even?", he can't help but sound heartbroken.

"I didn't lie", Even tries to defend himself.

"Right. Fair enough, to be an actual lie you would've needed to talk to me and actually say, anything", Isak wants to hit him.

"I got caught up in a new project. I just wanted to get it done before our trip".

He was delusional if he thought Isak would travel now.

"Please look at me. I've missed you so much", Even pleads. It takes every ounce of Isak to turn and face him. He needs to, because he wants to see Even when he says what he needs to say, but all he wants is to disappear.

"You haven't been home in days. You haven't talked to me in days. You've lied, or rather let me think you were working and you haven't been. I've been worried sick that you haven't been eating or could be off your meds again... or worse", Isak sounds so defeated Even's heart threatens to break.

"Worse?"

"Whatever" Isak's pride doesn't let him say it.

"I'm not cheating, Isak" Even tells him, honestly, but there's something about the way he says it, like he thinks having to actually say those words is too ridiculous. It only makes Isak angrier.

"I never said you were"

"Then what would be _'worse'_?"

"You being fine. Eating properly, working hard, taking your meds, and still not wanting to be here". Isak feels exposed. And ashamed. And fucking angry. He should be demanding answers from Even. Real answers. Or saying nothing and making Even suffer. 

Even looks terrified, like has done something unspeakable. "I made you think that? That I didn't want to be here with you?", he's asks.

"What else am I supposed to think?"

"Not _that_ , Isak. Never that. All I want is to come back home to you". Even's words hurt. Isak doesn't want to continue this conversation. It's not going to end well.

"Stop it, Even. Just-", but Even doesn't let him finish.

"No!", he tells him, sounding so very worried. "You don't get to tell me something like that and end the discussion, Isak". But Isak doesn't want to say or hear anything else. It's late and he has to give a lecture he hasn't prepared for early the next day. He takes Even's hand that had been resting on his shoulder all this time, kisses his palm.

"It's fine, Even", he says, turning back and adjusting himself on his pillow.

Even stares at him, in shock and scared, so scared.

**//**

_When Isak finally woke up, Jonas and Sana were by his side. Eva had gone to Isak and Even's flat to check on Even, who had spent every night with Isak, and who was getting less and less sleep in the twenty one days Isak was in a coma._

__

__

_During that time, Even had an episode, and it was bad. Getting-arrested-for-almost-killing-some-random-person-during-a-bar-fight bad. But he didn't miss one visit. He was there to see Isak every night. Since his arrest, they began taking turns to watch him, making sure he didn't get into any more trouble._

_"Even..." Isak whispered._

_Jonas looked at Sana, who almost cried once she heard Isak's voice._

_"Jonas, where's Even? Is he okay?", he asked, concerned._

_" He's fine. Eva's with him", Sana told him._

_"Why isn't he here?"._

_Neither Jonas nor Sana could answer Isak. Even had seemed physically incapable of staying at the hospital during the day, and would only come for the nights once everyone else had gone._

_When they called telling him Isak was awake, all he asked was for them to promise, or rather swear to him they wouldn't tell Isak about how bad he got, which they did. Isak never knew. Isak would never know. And it was fine, really._

_Isak was alive._

**//**

The lecture was a success, not that it made Isak care about it. He stood surrounded be students, answering their questions on his multiverse research. He gets so caught up that he doesn't see that someone has been standing next to him, quietly watching him. It's Even. The students leave, discussing their own theories excitedly. Isak goes to the desk to get his things.

"That was one good lecture", Even's says, proudly. He doesn't kiss Isak, even though he wants to with all his might. Instead he stands there, still admiring Isak, like he does.

"Thanks. Shouldn't you be, somewhere?", Isak asks, not to make Even feel bad, just actually curious as to why Even was there.

"I'm where I need to be", he says, smiling.

"Well, I'm not. I have to meet Eva for lunch", Isak deflects.

"Can't you be a little late?", Even asks him, raising his eyebrows the way he does that is irresistible to Isak.

"Why?", he does his very best to not smile back.

"I just thought we could talk a bit". Isak is almost disappointed. Then Even takes two steps closer to him, staring at Isak. Smiling still. Isak needs to remind himself he's angry, that nothing has changed since last night.

"Look, Even-"

Even cups Isak's face with his hands, kissing him like he has never kissed him before, then pulls away.

"Yes?", he asks, the fucker. Isak can't remember what he was going to say. He just grabs Even's shirt, making a fist over his chest and pulling him closer, kissing him back. They haven't kissed in so long and it feels like they could kiss for hours. Isak would be fine with that. Right now, Isak would be fine with just about anything involving Even. He was still mad, but he was more than willing to not think about it until later.

After a good ten minutes of making out, Even pulls away.

"Don't you have an office we could go to?", he asks, raising his eyebrows. Isak doesn't answer him, he simply bites his lip, turns to shove all his notes and other papers in his bag quickly and turns back to Even, stopping for a beat to look him in the eyes and open his mouth as if to say something. He decides against it, instead he takes Even by the hand, locking his fingers onto his and leads the way out of the lecture hall.

Even always fantasized of taking Isak in his office. On his desk, to be more precise. He would think about it every time he went to pick up Isak but had to wait for him to finish grading papers. He would watch Isak read - something that always got to Even -, lost on the pages, and would imagine throwing Isak on his desk, knocking everything to the floor, and spending hours dedicated to making Isak get off in such a way every time he would be using his desk in the future he would not be able to not think of Even.

It was better than he fantasized. So much better. But then again, Even was used to Isak being better than any fantasy. It wasn't rough, not the whole time. Maybe a little, at first, but as soon as Isak felt Even on top of him, felt his weight on him as he kissed his neck and told him how he had missed him, Isak forgave him. For the duration, mind Isak, he's only human after all, and Even is only perfect - also a thought he let himself get lost in for the duration. The hardest part was for them to not be too loud.

"Oh god!", Isak said as Even told him someone would hear them, that he didn't want Isak getting into any trouble.

"I can't. Oh my God, I can't. Fuck, Even, don't stop". And he didn't, but from that point on Even tried to make sure he was kissing Isak whenever Isak was getting a bit too loud, letting his words drown in Even's mouth. Isak came so hard he couldn't speak, and had he been able to, they would've been able to hear him all the way out at Nissen.

They cuddled on the floor, their naked bodies covered by their jackets. Isak was still breathing rather heavily, and Even kept running his fingers through his hair, kissing his forehead from time to time.

"Are you really meeting Eva?", Even asked, smiling. Without looking up, Isak made sure he knew they were still in need of figuring things out.

"I don't lie, Even", he said, but there was no anger in his voice. No tone. Even got the hint.

"Can we have dinner tonight?", he asked him.

"Only if you're cooking", Isak replied, sweetly.

"Of course. No take out tonight".

"Then it's a date", Isak said, before diving his head further into Even's chest, wrapping himself on him tighter and kissing his skin.

**//**

"I'm sure it's nothing" Eva told Isak, dismissively.

"It's not nothing. It's something, I just don't know what it could be", Isak said while rolling the pasta with his fork and the help of a spoon.

"It's Even. Even doesn't lie - or cheat, Isak".

"I never said he's cheating, he's not some cliché. And he hasn't lied, not technically at least". It really bothered him she wasn't taking this more seriously.

"You think it's the seven year itch?", she casually looks at him, almost amused.

"The sev-? Eva, stop watching those crappy movies, I beg of you. Again, he's not a cliché. And seven year itch is not a thing". Isak can't believe it. How can she honestly propose such a stupid thing?

"It is, though. Lots of couples go through it. And I've got great taste in film, thank you", she quips.

"Married couples, Eva. Even and I aren't married. Nor are we that uninteresting, I hope", he cannot help but roll his eyes.

"You're as good as, but fine. Then what? What can be making him not tell you where he is and what he's been doing?" she concedes. Isak mumbles something under his breath, and she notices he's gone pale. He finally decides it's better to just say it.

"Me?"

One word, one fucking word that just makes him feel so damn sad to have to say it like that. Eva drops her fork and almost spills her drink.

"Jesus, Isak, you're really seriously worried about this? You think it's you?". But he doesn't speak. He just looks at her and nods, ashamed, before being able to continue.

"Maybe it's me he doesn't want to be around, for whatever reason", he confesses. Eva looks at him and almost smiles, but doesn't.

"You just said it's not the seven year itch".

"Because that's not a thing, and I don't mean it like that. Ever since the accident, he goes through these phases where he pulls away a bit, like for whatever reason he still thinks I'm going to leave him or, I don't know, blame him forever". Isak doesn't know what to think, and it's killing him.

"You didn't see him, you didn't see how he got, how scared he was of losing you. I can't blame him for still being messed up over it, but it only proves my point", she tells him.

"It's been a year, Eva, and what point?" he says, annoyed.

"You can't make him feel good about this, Isak. Not this. One, five, ten years - it doesn't matter. He gets to feel bad, and you can't blame him for that" she's also a little crossed. Isak didn't see Even mad with guilt, consumed by it. She did. Jonas did. Not Isak - or so she thinks.

**//**

The smell of Even's cooking can be felt from the elevator. Isak loves that. He opens the door to the flat and finds Even hanging up the phone as he sautées some potatoes on the stove. He puts his bag and his briefcase down, takes off his jacket and goes to the kitchen, through the dining room. The table is set with a single candle in the middle of both plates.

Even turns to face Isak, smiling as he walks over and kisses him hello. Just a single kiss, like the thousands of kisses they've shared over the last seven years. "Thank you and fuck off, Eva", Isak thinks. This is no itch. Now he's got one more theory to eat him up inside. Even is holding Isak's waist with one hand and the skillet with the other, refusing to let go of either.

The meal wasn't a meal, but a feast. Isak takes the last bite of the shrimp parmigiana almost sad it's over. Even is holding a glass of wine, admiring Isak. He's always found the way Isak ate his cooking to be borderline erotic. He loves it.

"I love to watch you eat", Even says, smiling back at Isak.

"I love your movies, but it's a shame you don't have a restaurant of your own. It's almost unfair to not share this", Isak means every word. Even's eyes glow.

"Nah. I prefer to cook for you"

They look at each other for a moment, then Isak can't help himself.

"How is the movie?", and immediately Even puts down his glass.

"Almost done". Isak wouldn't want to ruin what had so far been a light and relaxing evening, so he decides to drop it, too tired and too full to fight. "Okay" is all he can muster. A longer sentence would be difficult to be said without his tone betraying him. A simple 'okay' is quick and simple enough to be said without much room for interpretation. The single eyebrow Even raises once he hears Isak, however, tells a different story.

Before Even could say anything, Isak gets up to clear the table. As he loads the dishwasher, Even comes in the kitchen and stands behind Isak, who doesn't stop rinsing the dishes. When Even lowers his head down to Isak's neck, however, Isak feels a shiver down his spine and puts the plate that was in his hand down. Even opens his mouth just enough to be able to lick Isak's neck gently, while he wraps his arms around his waist and pulls him close. Isak puts his neck back, resting his head on Even's shoulder, and with his hand still wet, raises it to find Even's hair and pull it so his head can dig deeper into Isak's clavicle.

After a good five minutes of slowly kissing Isak, Even puts one of his hands under Isak's shirt and raises it, palm open, slowly from Isak's waistline to his chest, digging his fingers on Isak's skin and scratching him - something that makes Isak quiver.

"You are _so_ hot, Isak".

They make love in the kitchen, before deciding to watch a movie in the living room. 'Never Let Me Go', one of Even's favorites. They make it through twenty minutes before making love a second time, then a third.

**//**

"Can I ask you about parallel universes?", Even has always loved hearing about it. Not necessarily because he believes in it, but because the way Isak is so passionate while on the subject makes him warm and happy. Also he likes the idea of infinity. An Isak that is endless? That's something he can get behind.

"Sure", Isak replies in between kissing his chest.

"Do you think I'm alright? In a different universe?". Isak wants to sit up to face Even, but Even is holding him too tight. So he instead raises his head, looking at Even's chin.

"You mean not bipolar?". Isak would never understand why Even cannot see that while his bipolar is indeed a challenge, it also makes him the Even Isak is crazy about.

"Yes. And otherwise normal", he confesses.

"Hmm. Of course. But what do you mean by normal?", Isak is curious.

"Like, not too impulsive. Maybe not so eager or, I don't know, prone to hurting you?"

"You say it like that's all you do". Granted, Isak is hurting, but it's hardly been a sad seven years - "get off my head Eva", he pleads.

"Isn't it, though? Oh yes, I almost killed you once too". He says it jokingly.

"Fuck me, you have got to forgive yourself for that, Even", he says it, before kissing his chest for a second longer than the other times.

"Not a chance in hell", Even tells him.

"I woke up. I woke up, Even. And I never once blamed anyone", he explains, trying his best to remain calm.

"You almost didn't though", Even says it quietly.

"Is that what this has been all about?", Isak raises his voice a bit.

" _This?_ "

"Are you with me out of guilt? And so when you can't stand it anymore you disappear and lie about working? Is that it?", he is now angry and cannot help it. Even doesn't loosen his grip though, if anything he holds Isak tighter.

"What? No! Oh my God, Isak". Even sounds hurt, too. "You- You think I don't want to be with you?", he says, sounding insulted.

"I honestly don't know what I think anymore".

"I never lied to you, Isak", Even says to him, serious.

"I know you didn't, not technically-"

"No, not technically. _At all_. I didn't lie, I've never lied and I'll never lie to you", he is raising his voice a little, and Isak can feel his heart pounding in his chest. "This is what I mean. Why can't you trust that? Or me?".

"Let me sit up", Isak asks him, calmly. He sits and faces Even, who looks worried.

"I trust you, Even. I do. You were just inside me for fuck sake. But you said you were working on the film when the studio had already concluded it and you never told me and you still won't tell me and no, that isn't the worst part"

"What's the worst part?", Even seems confused.

"I figure you have your reasons to not want to lie, or not tell me what is going on. But you were gone for days, I didn't see you for days, and I worried you weren't okay and you saw how I got when I found out about the movie being finished and still you refuse to say anything".

"The movie is finished"

"Yes, I know", Isak tells him, frustrated.

"No, you don't. The one being released in November is done, that version of it is finished, ready".

"Okay?"

"There's another cut. _Your_ cut".

"My- What?"

"While I was filming, there were some things the studio wouldn't let in the film. And there were other scenes that I wasn't going to use, things like that. While I was editing, I realized I could turn the movie into something else, something similar, but different. So I thought of you, and parallel universes, and how it would be nice to have two versions of the film, like parallels - something that would maybe be interesting to you".

Isak is stunned. He would feel flattered, if only he didn't feel stupid. So fucking stupid.

"So I didn't lie. It did take me until three days ago to finish your cut of the movie. The one that only you will get to see".

"Fuck, Even..."

"But you thought I was somehow sick of you, and how can you think that?"

"You should've told me"

Isak can' help but still be angry. Only now he was angrier at himself rather than at Even.

"It was meant as a surprise"

"Sure"

"Why are you deflecting?"

"I'm not"

"Then tell me why you think I'd leave you?"

"Please, Even. Let's just forget it. All of it. Let's not-"

"See? That's what I mean. That's not fair Isak. You can't just say that, imply it's a matter of time before I break your heart, then drop the subject because you don't want to say whatever it is you want to say", Even tells him, clearly frustrated.

"You don't get to tell me about _fair_ , Even. Listen, I don't like this"

"Why not?"

"Don't push it, okay?"

"Why not, Isak?". He pushes. He fucking pushes.

"Because I heard you, okay?" Isak raises his voice, before continuing. "I remember and you don't know, and I don't want to be the one to say it because it fucking hurts, Even"

"Remember what, Isak?". Even is so confused.

"The accident. You, after the accident. When you had your episode while I was recovering and you'd come to the hospital at night when you thought I was asleep and would say all these things that didn't make sense, all night long"

"I- What do you remember?", Even looks nervous.

"DON'T, EVEN", Isak begs him.

"ISAK-"

And it happens. Isak finally breaks, and he doesn't even realizes it until mid sentence that he has just started to lose his shit, completely. It doesn't really matter now. He can't control it anymore.

"All of it. I remember all of it, alright? You would talk about how sorry you were, but that you had to leave. You were just not ready yet. But you would make sure I was alright first, and then you would 'go away', leave so I could find someone, someone who would love me better." _'Love me better'_? How fucking dare you?!"

"You remember that?", Even is terrified.

"Every night, Even. You told me every night"

"It's not what I meant. I would never leave-"

"I know you didn't mean breaking up. You were crueler than that. I know you, I know what you meant"

"I was just-"

"And you mumbled that while you were carrying me as well, right after the accident - and you weren't having an episode when we crashed. So, fuck you! Fuck you, Even. " _Love me better_?" **FUCK YOU!** ". Isak hits Even on the chest. He doesn't punch him, but he wants to, he wants to hit him as hard as he can. He can forgive a lot. But not that. Never that. He gets up, totally out of control, and starts pacing around the living room while he alternates between putting his hands on his head and over his stomach, as if they hurt, almost madly.

****

****

"Isak-"

"NO! What the fuck, Even? How could you say that? How can you _think_ that? Is our life really that awful? Am I really that toxic?"

"Wait, WHAT? _You?_ ", now it's Even who raises his voice.

"Yes, me. Am I really that bad for you? So bad that you have to plan a fucking suicide to get away?"

"YOU ALMOST DIED ISAK! I ALMOST KILLED YOU!"

"But I didn't, Even! I didn't die! It was an accident! And still you want to, what, make sure that I do?"

"What? NO!"

"Fuck you. Oh my God, just... Fuck you, Even Bech Næsheim"

"I was... I just lost it"

"I'd never hold what you say while you're having an episode against you. But you weren't, not the first time you said it, and not all of the other times, either. Not all of them."

"I thought you were dead, Isak. There was blood everywhere. Your head? I, I wasn't saying it to you. I was thinking what I'd do if you did die, and I, you aren't remembering correctly. I didn't say I wanted you to find someone to love you better. I was saying I wanted-"

"I don't need you to love me more or less, Even. I need you to realize that the way you love me is **enough"**

****

****

"I know that-"

"No you don't. And apparently you think someone else should have a go at it. It's so fucking convenient. So fucking selfish"

"Selfish?"

"It goes both ways, god damn it. What do you think would happen to me if you died? I wouldn't go find someone to ' _love me better_ '. No one would love me better, you asshole. I would be **gone**. It would fucking destroy me. I can't have you dying on me anymore you can have me doing so"

Isak begins having trouble breathing. He puts one arm over his stomach and bends over, looking at Even, who looks back at him utterly terrified.

"I'm sorry. Isak-"

"You can't do this to me. You can't say that, scare me like that? I can't- it's not fair, Even. Not leave, you just can't -", but he can barely speak, there is no air around him. He is reliving all of it. 

"Isak, you need to breathe", Even says as he gets up to go to Isak. As he reaches his arm to try and pull Isak close to him, Isak slaps his hand.

"Fuck you, dammit. You don't get to do that on purpose. Break me like that. Leave me like that-"

"I'm not. I won't, Isak. I won't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry", Even keeps trying to touch Isak, but isak pushes him away every time. He reaches his arm out to Isak once more, and this time he isn't able to push him away, so Even pulls him close and wraps both arms around him, quickly and as tight as he can, while he repeats the word 'sorry' incessantly. Isak cries as Even holds him, and once he is able to, he wraps his own arms around Even. He wants to feel safe. He wants to forget again. It feels like he may float away if Even stops holding him. 

He never does. 

**//**

Isak woke up in Even's arms. There's was no other place that could make him feel like Even's arms made him feel. Even had been awake for hours, and when he felt Isak moving, he made sure the first thing he did was kiss his forehead. It took them a few minutes to look at each other. A few moments longer to speak.

"Good morning", Even said, kindly.

"What time is it? I'm late for work", Isak said, half awake.

"It's Saturday, babe", Even told him.

"Oh"

"Did you make any plans with the guys?", even asked him.

"Nope. _Nada_ ", he replied, as he snuggled himself on Even's chest, who in turn pulled the duvet over Isak's back to cover him up.

"Do you want to be alone? It's okay if you do", he told Isak, honestly.

"I want to say something", Isak ignored him, sounding more alert. "Okay", Even said, slowly, as if he weren't sure as to where the conversation was going.

"I get it. I get you feel bad, I do. But you can't keep feeling this bad, because you didn't do anything wrong. And it wasn't pleasant, I know-"

"I was sure I'd lost you", Even interrupts him.

"You didn't", Isak said, softly.

"I've never been so scared, Isak". The way he says it is intense, Isak never heard him so serious.

"Baby-"

"The stuff I said? I was lucky to be able to speak. I meant them, I'm responsible for them, but it was just words I said while I was desperate. I was _so_ desperate, Isak. I was so scared"

"Even-"

"I can't lose you, Isak"

"Good, cause I can't lose you, either", Isak told him, and he meant every word. He went back to resting his head on Even's chest, the only place he wished to be just then.

"Are we... You know?", Even asked him, quietly, almost in a whisper.

"Us? Yeah. We're still us".

**//**

_When Even entered the room, Isak was so happy to see him that it was as if nothing was wrong. He was so beautiful, even then, and it made Even have difficulty breathing._

__

__

_"Hi baby", Isak said, smiling at Even, as he lifted his arms asking for a hug. Even tried not to tear up while hugging Isak, he wanted to be strong for him, but he was too happy. And he was too sorry._

_Isak acted as if nothing was wrong, and it worked because eventually Even went back to being his old self again. Isak decided not to say anything about being awake when Even visited at night, or about remembering the things he said when he thought he was dead. He was okay. He wanted Even to be okay._

_Isak was awake, and Even was with him._

**//**

They spent the day in bed, not being able to let go of each other. Isak wasn't angry anymore, or hurt. It felt nice, and he could finally get out of his head and just be there, completely present.

"The sex was awesome, though", Even said as he ran his fingers on Isak's back.

"It was, wasn't it?", Isak smiled.

"You've been so-"

"Angry?"

"Uninhibited"

"I mostly just missed you. I was going insane"

"Me too. What the hell, we can't spend one week away from one another. Is that normal, after all this time?"

"I hope so. I plan on it being like that for several more"

"Several?"

"As many as we can, babe"

Sounds good, Isak thinks.

**//**

Later that night, Even asked if he could take Isak somewhere, but refused to tell him where. They got dressed and got in the car and Even began to drive. They drove around for almost an hour, before reaching a street that looked oddly familiar to Isak, but he couldn't remember where from or why. Even parked the car in front of a pretty white house with a red front door. 

"Are we here? _Where_ are we?"

"I remember the first time I saw you, you know?"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah. Last week there was one day in the editing room I got so overloaded I just thought I was going to pass out. So I went for a walk to clear my head, and nothing seemed to do the trick. Then I thought of it, of that first time seeing you. It calmed me down instantly"

"Are you okay, baby?, Isak asked, smiling.

"Relax, I'm just trying to be romantic", he smiled, before continuing. "And, well. It's the truth, I do remember it"

"I do too. Well, not the first time you saw me, but the first time I saw you"

" _"Are you okay?"_ "

They laughed, and it felt so normal Isak could kiss him.

"Dumbass", he said, fondly, instead.

They get out of the car and start crossing the street, Even leading the way up to the red door.

"Anyway. Then I thought of it. Of time. And how it had been so long and yet I can still look at you and you look the same - minus some questionable fashion"

"Fuck off, I looked good"

"That you did"

Even reaches for a key in his pocked.

"Where are we, Even?"

"I found this house while filming"

"Oh, it's in the movie?"

He opens the front door and they go inside. The house is empty, except for some filming equipment Isak notices in a corner and deduces it's from the crew. They walk around a bit, until they reach a double door that leads to a study.

"I really liked this room"

Even slides both doors open and on the floor at the end of the room lies a small square red velvet box. Isak starts to have difficulty breathing.

"What the fuck are you doing, Even?"

Even laughs, then looks fondly at Isak.

"Relax, I'm not proposing yet".

" _Yet?_ "

"Go on, take it. But don't open it, not just now"

They stand there. Even looking at Isak looking down at the red velvet box, rubbing his thumb gently on top of it, like it's treasure.

"Come", Even tells him as he turns to leave. They exit the study and walk down a staircase, reaching another door.

"Don't tell me. There's a bigger box I can't open, even though it's mine, in there?", Isak asks, pointing at the closed door.

"Nope. No box"

"What, then?"

"Just memory"

"Memory?"

Even nods.

"I've no idea what's going on but I'm fine with it", Isak says, having decided to not freak out just yet. Even takes a step towards him and cups his face, kissing him gently.

"Did you ever think we'd last this long?", he asks, holding him.

"Never doubted it", Isak tells him, smiling.

"Be serious", he smiles.

"Never doubted it", Isak repeats, dead serious. Even beams.

"And, do you suppose in another universe we are going to make it? You know, permanently?"

"Odds are, in at least one"

"I like that"

Even opens the door. Isak doesn't react right away, for he hasn't taken his eyes off of Even.

There is a large pool and a very familiar small window. Isak's heart is acting strange. His stomach is in knots. He can't speak or even think properly.

Even walks over to the edge of the swimming pool, turns to face Isak, stretches both arms out to the sides and gives Isak the biggest of smiles.

"It's our pool!"

Isak looks around, completely in shock. It _is_ their pool. The pool from the house they broke into that night when they first kissed. The memory of it comes to Isak and floods him. He can remember every second of that night, every moment that led to that one first kiss, when he was so certain it was never going to happen but Even made it happen. He remembers the taste of it, vividly. It's one of his fondest memories. One of the happiest.

He can't seem to take his eyes off the water, like he's able to see it, see them both swimming and laughing together. He keeps rubbing his thumb on the top of the velvet box, and Even watches him, attentively. 

"Go ahead. Open it", he says, excited.

Isak looks down at the tiny velvet box and opens it, finding a small silver key inside it. Confused, he looks at Even.

"When I got my paycheck, I thought of a million things to do with the money. Then I saw the 'for sale' sign on the front lawn"

Isak can only stare at him. Even looks so pleased, so beautifully happy.

"What did you do, Even?", he finally asks.

"I bought us our pool", he tells a dumbfounded Isak.

"So you see, it's not a proposal. But I do want to ask you something", he adds.

Isak can't speak, so he just looks at him, waiting.

"Are you still the king of holding your breath under water?"

Isak smiles and bites his lip, exhaling for the first time in minutes. Even takes a step closer to him and raises his eyebrows, then pushes Isak into the pool, jumping in right after.

"You are insane, Even!", Isak says. "Sure I am. You _know_ I am", he tells him, both of them laughing. Isak splashes some water at him. Even is grinning from ear to ear. They swim closer to each other, and Even puts his hands around Isak's waist.

"Happy 7th anniversary, Isak Valtersen"

"Happy anniversary, Even Bech Næsheim"

Isak gives Even the longest kiss, gently biting his upper lip as he pulls away for a second. They watch one another for a beat.

"You know, I like the parallel universe scenario, but-"

"Yeah?"

"Right now, this has to be the best one"

Even kisses Isak, in their pool, before going under. For a moment, Isak pulled away and looked at Even. His hands moving around the water, eyes fixed on Isak. It was only for a moment, but it was enough for Isak to think about how when he looked at Even, he could still see the same boy he fell in love with, all those years ago in high school. And the love he felt? It was somehow... _more._

Maybe there were infinite amounts of Evens and Isaks out there, somewhere. But as he swam closer and kissed Even, Isak had only one thought:

_"None of them were happier"_


	2. What Makes Us Us (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak is up for tenure at the University. Even is anxious about the studio moving up his premiere. Eva and Jonas are getting married. All of this would be quite manageable, were it not for everyone's sudden interest in the reasons why Isak doesn't particularly believe in marriage, forcing him to deal with feelings he has, up until now, successfully avoided.

_Even had been waiting in his car for the better part of the last thirty minutes. It might've been an hour, though. Or two. All he knew was that he had been parked outside the house long enough to smoke two cigarettes, stretch his legs, listen to the new Gabrielle song twice, count how many steps there were from the driveway to the front door text Eva twice and receive a very pissed off text from Isak._

_"Where is Eva?" he kept thinking._

_He knew she had a meeting, but he also knew she was going to make it a short one, even though she had told Jonas it was going take most of the day (and probably most of the night) and she was probably not going to make it home in time for dinner. She needed an excuse to spend the day with Even, and the fact that it wasn't a **proper** lie, but rather a purposefully misleading information, was something of a reassuring fact to Even, who already felt like he was dangerously close to actually needing to lie to Isak if for some reason they needed to reschedule._

_He couldn't stay still, he was so anxious. He got out of the car to light another cigarette, and before he got the chance, a cab pulled in. Eva had finally arrived._

_"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" she said as she rushed to him and the cab drove off._

_"Where were you?" he asked her, nervously._

_"The meeting went on for longer than expected, then my Über took forever to find me"_

_As they talked, another car pulled up in front of the house. It was a red sedan, and a lady with equally bright red hair got out from it._

_"Oh, good. You're already here" the lady said, happily._

_"I'm Elsa, the realtor. You must be Mr. Bech Næsheim?" she asked as she stretched out her hand to shake his._

_"Even, yes. This is my friend, Eva Mohn"_

_"Hi. Pleased to meet you" Eva said, still trying to get her bearings._

_"Shall we go in?" Elsa said and she began to walk slowly to the front door. "Do either of you know the house or the neighborhood?"_

_Even considered for a moment rather or not he should say he had broken into it once in order to hook up with his current, longtime boyfriend while they were in high school, but decided against it. Even so, entertaining that thought helped him feel a bit lighter._

_"Not really. I mean, the neighborhood, yes, but not this particular house" Eva said, filling the silence._

_Elsa opened the front door and let them in._

_"Well, It's very safe. There are great schools nearby and some very fine restaurants also. Plus, it's only ten minutes away from the city center" she said._

_"Hear that, Eva? Ten minutes" Even said, purposefully trying to make her feel bad._

_Elsa led the way from the hall to the living room, where she stood in its center and turned around to face them._

_"This is actually quite the gem. Three bedrooms, one being a suite, plus two baths. We are in the living room, of course, and right there is the kitchen - which we'll get to in a moment. There's a den/studio, the dining room, which is quite spacious, as well as a TV room. Oh, and downstairs is the indoor pool you were so interested in, Even"_

_"Indoor pool?" Eva asked, looking at Even._

_"Cool. Let's start from there" he said, visibly excited._

_As they made their way downstairs, following Elsa, Eva seemed to really inspect the place, being careful not to miss anything._

_"How's the hydraulics? And the wiring?" she asked Elsa, who was not half as surprised as Even. Even didn't even think to ask questions, especially not relevant ones._

_"The whole house was remodeled and everything is absolutely brand new, including the floors and the appliances"_

_"Did they change the pool in any way?" Even asked._

_"I thought you'd never been to this place before?" Eva asked him, beginning to get suspicious._

_"I don't think they have, no. The pool was relatively unused" Elsa told him._

_"By the owners", Even almost thought, which made him want to call up Isak._

_She opened the door to the pool room and Even couldn't help but smile. He walked over to the edge of the pool and looked at the water, standing there for a good two minutes, silently watching the water._

_"Can we have a moment?" Eva asked Elsa nicely, who, in turn, quickly obliged and went to open the rest of the house._

_"This is nice" Eva said, walking towards Even._

_"Sorry, what?" Even had just realized he had gone to the past and probably made things weird with the realtor._

_"I said this is nice"_

_"It is, isn't it?"_

_"Why are you acting as though we're in your childhood beach house or something, Even?" she finally asked, seeing as she thought Even wouldn't acknowledge there was anything about the house that attracted him so much to it._

_"How do you mean?" a confused Even replied._

_"I ditched work and lied to Jonas to come and help you look at this house, no questions asked. Then I get here and it turns out it's a huge place and all you seem to mind is the fact that there is an indoor pool you look at like it's reflecting Isak. So, yeah, I'm gonna need to ask some questions now"_

_Even thought it was only fair to tell her. She did agree to help him the very second he asked._

_"I know this house" he confessed her._

_"No shit?"_

_"Not really the house. Rather, this pool. Isak and I broke in one night in high school. It's where we had our first kiss. When I saw it was for sale I just had to see it"_

_"Your first kiss?" she said, kindly._

_"We got caught, though, and had to make a run for it. It was the best night" he told her, beaming._

_"So, you're not interested in buying the place?" She said, suddenly realizing she may have lied to Jonas and skipped the better part of an important meeting for a trip down someone else's memory lane._

_"That's where you come in" he told her._

_"I don't follow"_

_"I don't know anything about any legal stuff. How to protect myself and not get screwed over in some negotiation? You, however, do"_

_"You are interested in making an offer, then?"_

_"Oh, I'm buying Isak this pool. I just don't want to be taken advantage of" he told her, certain as ever._

_"Do you even have this kind of money? It's a big house, Even"_

_"I have some savings, plus the money from my movie"_

_"This is big, Even. I mean, not just the house but... Buying him a house?"_

_"You don't think he'll like it?" he asked her, suddenly concerned._

_"Oh, he'll love it. It's the sweetest thing, Even. It's just that it's a big step, isn't it?"_

_"It's his anniversary present. Not just his, though, because it is our pool. I just want us to actually own our pool" he told Eva, making her smile because he looks almost like a kid._

" _Isak is one lucky guy"_

_"Nah. The things I put him through? I'm the lucky one, Eva"_

_She looked at him for a second, carefully._

_"Let's go buy you a house, then"_

*******

They hadn't talked all night. Isak had successfully avoided Even since they'd arrived at Eva and Jonas' for dinner. It's was killing him, but he wasn't admitting it - not even to Jonas. The two had been outside on the balcony smoking for most of the night, while Even helped Eva in the kitchen, along with Sana, Vilde and Chris.  
Eva hated when Jonas smoked pot, but when it was only him and Isak she seemed to tolerate it. Even didn't mind Isak smoking, but hated the fact Isak wasn't speaking to him.

"What did he do?" Jonas asked, as he shared the blunt with Isak.

"Why do you think he did anything?" Isak asked him, trying to seem chill.

"You're too pissed off for it to have been your fault. So, I figure it was probably Even's." he explained.

Isak looked at him while inhaling, calmly.

"Yeah. It was totally Even."

"So, what happened?"

"We had a fight. Well, not really a fight, more of a pre-fight?" Isak told him, giving back the blunt.

"What the hell is a _'pre-fight'_?"

"You know, when someone says something that can lead to a huge fight, but that is so fucking unreal that it's enough to justify skipping the actual fight and going straight to the no-speaking part that begins right after you've fought?"

"Oh, I've had those. Those are brutal."

"Right?"

"What did he say?"

"He sorta said that he had considered hurting me on purpose to see if I'd leave him."

"What the fuck, dude?" Jonas asked, chocking on the smoke.

"Yep. The bastard."

"Why would he even do that?"

"I don't know if he'd _do_ it. I just know it justified the pre-fight."

"It absolutely justified it." 

"He's always so worried he's hurting me that it never occurred to me he'd be able to actually _do_ it"

"Wait, what exactly did he say?" Jonas asked, still not wanting to believe what he had heard.

" _'I've thought of doing it on purpose just to see if you'd leave'_?" Isak said, taking the blunt back from Jonas's hand.

"Dude."

"I know."

" _Why_ , though?"

"He says it's only going to escalate. His episodes and shit. So he thinks of skipping to what he imagines is just bound to happen."

"That makes no sense at all."

"He probably thinks it's noble."

"Noble?"

"You know, like he'd be saving me some heartache or some crap like that?"

"By making it happen?"

" _Exactly!_ "

"How can someone even respond to something so stupid like that?"

"I don't know. Through violence?" Isak asked him, quite seriously.

"So you've considered it?"

"Fuck yes. Why do you think I'm avoiding him?"

And just as he spoke, Even came in.

"Er. Guys? Dinner's ready." he awkwardly said, looking at Isak, who refused to look back and instead seemed to have found an interest in the symmetry of the tiles on the floor.

"We'll be right there, man. Thanks." Jonas said, friendly as always.

Even didn't look at him, though. He kept staring at Isak and whether he knew it or not the amount of time he did was enough to make Jonas uncomfortable.

"Isak-" Even finally said, softly.

"Not now, Even." 

Isak sounded like he was biting his lip. Not like he usually did, as when interested in something or when he wanted it to keep himself from kissing Even. No, he sounded like he was biting his lip so he'd keep himself from saying something he'd later regret, or not be able to take back.

"Will you at least look at me?" he said, and the way he said it made Jonas feel sorry for him.

Not Isak, though.

"Not now, Even." he repeated, in the exact same tone. 

"Well, this should be a fun meal." Even said, clapping his hands together awkwardly, before turning back and heading inside.

"Did he just fucking make a joke?" Isak asked Jonas, fuming.

"Nah, dude. He just filled the air with words. His face was-"

"What?" Isak asked, aggressively.

"Sad. The guy looked sad as fuck."

"Good. _'Fun meal'_. The fucking nerve."

"You're not going to like, throw stuff, are you?"

"Don't worry. I'm making him suffer as much and for as long as I possibly can over this one."

"Cool." Jonas said, anticipating a very fun meal indeed.

*******

Luckily for Even, Isak had decided to drink. _Heavily_. He didn't make a scene, not even close. He was actually able to make a joke or two during dinner, and nobody except for Jonas and Eva noticed that he didn't once look at or touch Even. 

Even did, of course. He remained silent for most of the meal, only answering questions others asked him. But for the most part, dinner went on without a hitch. Vilde and Magnus flirted innocently but unsuccessfully, while Mahdi kept hitting on Chris, rather successfully.

Once dinner was over, everybody got up to help take the dishes to the kitchen, and Jonas started to do the washing as Chris and Sana talked to Eva. Vilde, Magnus and Mahdi went to the balcony to smoke, and Even was left with a very quiet Isak at the table.

"Isak, please talk to me." Even said, quietly, almost pleading.

Isak remained silent. He simply stared at his empty wineglass.

"So we're never gonna talk again? At least tell me how long you'll do this for so I can know when it's safe to open my mouth." he said, frustrated.

But Isak didn't answer. He didn't acknowledge Even, which only made it worse.

"Yell at me, then. Throw something, tell me to shut up, but just say _something_ , Isak."

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

"What?" Even asked him, surprised.

"I don't feel so good." Isak said, slurring his speech and swallowing in slow motion, as if making a conscious effort to not throw up, then and there.

Even immediately turned to him, cupping his face in his hands and holding it up. He looked pale, extremely so. Even stood up and, practicality having to lift Isak from his chair, dragged him to the bathroom, quickly.

By the time anyone had noticed they weren't in the dining room, Even had been with Isak in the bathroom for the better part of an hour. Eventually, Jonas knocked on the door, concerned, but Even explained to him Isak had had too much to drink and would be fine in a little while.

Another twenty minutes passed, and Isak seemed to have finally stopped throwing up. He was now sitting on the floor with Even sitting behind him, holding a damp towel over his forehead, holding him close to his chest.

"This was not how I imagined this night playing out." Isak said.

"How's your head?" Even said, quietly.

"I'm not talking to you, remember?"

"Right."

"How am I supposed to stay mad at you when you've just helped me vomit, repeatedly?"

"I'm still impressed. You barely ate the lamb." Even joked, kissing Isak's head.

"Don't mention food, I beg of you." Isak told him, painfully.

"Sorry, babe."

"Sure you are." Isak said, sounding crossed but at the same time adjusting himself closer into Even's arms.

"I'll tell you what. You don't need to forgive me, but maybe just tone it down for a while? Just until you feel a bit better? Then you can go right back to hating my guts, how's that?"

"Deal." Isak said, knowing full well that wasn't going to happen. He'd forgiven Even as soon as he had seen how concerned he got.

Even didn't need to know that, though. He could wait a bit longer, Isak thought.

"Okay." Even said, feeling Isak's forehead, gently.

"Even?" 

"Yes, babe?"

"Take me home?" Isak said, and he couldn't help but sound helpless.

*******

When they got to the flat, Isak was still nauseous and quite weak. Even took him to the bathroom, sat him down and then turned on the shower.

"I just want to go to bed, Even." Isak told him.

"Yeah well, you threw up in the car, babe. We need to clean you up." Even explained, kindly.

Isak looked down and his shirt was wet. He was so tired though, he didn't even try to take it off, only made a frustrated sound which Even couldn't understand but which meant he was sorry he'd vomited on that particular shirt. Even had gotten him that shirt, it was his favorite fucking shirt.

Even got on one knee in front of him and calmly began unbuttoning Isak's shirt.

"What was in that lamb?" Isak said, both worried and disgusted.

"I'm not sure it was the lamb. I think it might've been the wine, coupled with the beer." Even told him.

"And the vodka." Isak added, indifferently.

"And the pot."

"No. Not the pot."

"Why not the pot?"

"'Cause I refuse to live in a world where pot gets you this sick." he said, quite frankly.

Even smiled, removing Isak's shirt and tossing it aside, on the floor.

"Can you stand up?" he asked him, quietly.

"Of course I can stand up." Isak answered him, insulted.

But once he attempted to get on his feet, the whole room started to spin, making him lose his balance completely.

"Shit, I can't stand up." he said, as Even grabbed him, preventing him from falling.

"I got you." he told him, helping him stand up straight as he took the rest of his clothes off and tossed them aside as well.

"Why is everything spinning?" Isak said, rather surprised and still somewhat drunk.

"Look at me, Isak." Even told him, firmly. "Look at my eyes." he demanded.

Isak did as he was told, trying hard to focus on the all the blue.

"Just keep looking at my eyes. Wait for all the rest to fall into place." he softly told him, holding him by the waist.

Isak had his hands on Even's, gripping tightly, or at least as tightly as he could.

"You know, this doesn't-"

"I know, you're still mad at me. Focus, Isak."

Isak did, and soon the room had almost stopped moving at all. 

He hadn't been mad at Even since they were back at Jonas and Eva's, but he figured it was better Even thought he was pissed off rather than him knowing the truth.

"Better?"

"A bit."

"Good. Now wait a second." Even said as he put both of Isak's hands over either one of his shoulders.

"What are you doing?" Isak asked, not breaking eye contact once.

"I need to take my shirt off, too." he explained, unbuttoning as he spoke. 

After he was done, he took Isak's hands and put them on his waist, making him hold on to the waistline of his jeans while he took off his shirt and tossed it just like he had done with Isak's clothes.

"Right. Let's get you in the shower." Even said, moving carefully, with Isak still looking straight at him.

“What about your pants?” Isak said, biting his lip, almost in slow motion.

“You’re unbelievable, Valtersen.” Even told him, smirking.

Isak stumbled, almost falling down, but Even didn't let him. 

"I got you. You're fine." he reassured him.

"Well, hold me tighter, then," Isak told him, rather nervous.

"Don't worry, Isak. I won't let you fall." he said, kindly.

"Yeah well, it’s a bit late for that." Isak bit back.

"Oh, so what I said was so horrible you wish you'd never fallen for me?" Even asked him, quite calmly, focused on getting Isak under the shower.

"Actually, that was a poor attempt of me telling you I still love you. Even though you did say such a stupid fucking thing." Isak said, honestly.

Even stopped and smiled, then he leaned in to try and kiss Isak.

"Please don't. I can't risk throwing up in your mouth. I wouldn't bare it." Isak begged him.

Even smiled, but obliged, pulling away. "I'm pretty sure you won't throw up again."

"Yeah? Good thing one of us is."

"There can't be anything else in there, babe."

Isak disagreed, but he was secretly glad Even had resumed calling him _'babe'_ , so he said nothing.

Even got him under the water, which felt nice, Isak thought.

“Is the water alright?” Even asked him.

Isak simply nodded affirmatively, biting his lip.

“What?”

“You look good wet.” Isak told him, making him smile.

"You’re still drunk, babe, how can that even be? Here, hold out your hand." he told him.

"Why?" Isak asked.

"Here. Hold this." Even said, placing a bottle of shampoo on it.

"I don't need to wash my hair, Even."

"We're in here, already. You might as well."

But Isak didn't move. He simply kept looking at Even, room still slightly spinning around him, making him quite woozy.

"You can't wash your hair, can you?" Even said, realizing Isak was still having trouble standing up.

"I'm afraid I cannot, no."

Even took the bottle from Isak's hand and opened it.

"Hold on to me, then." Even told him, which Isak promptly did.

He started to massage Isak's hair, softly, which resulted in Isak closing his eyes.

"Everything alright over there?"

"Uh-huh." Isak nodded, at first looking quite pleased, but a second after he went from looking happy to looking solemn. 

"You made me sad, Even." he confessed, quietly, and without opening his eyes.

"I know, babe. I didn't mean to."

"I hate that you made me sad." Isak told him, honestly.

"I only-"

"I know you think it was probably a galant thing to say. But we're not one of your films, Even."

"I know that, Isak. I just-"

"What?"

"I can't stand that I can hurt you sometimes without realizing it."

"So you hurt me on purpose? That makes sense.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Isak.”

“You need to stop this, Even. I'm not a fucking child." Isak told him, frankly.

"I never said you were."

"I get that you think I'm weak. And despite what it may look like right about now, I'm not fucking weak." Isak said, trying to open his eyes to look at Even and instantly losing his balance, closing them up again.

"I know you're not weak, Isak."

"Then stop acting like I might break the next time you're manic. I can handle it. I've _been_ handling it for years now."

"But I don't think you should have to."

"What the fuck does _that_ mean?" Isak said, upset.

Even rinsed the shampoo off Isak's head and while he did, Isak opened his eyes to a very rapidly spinning room.

"Great, now even _you're_ spinning."

"Close your eyes again."

And he did.

"Lean forward." Even demanded.

"Why?"

"Because I'm gonna wash your back." he said, as Isak leaned in, resting his head on Even's chest and wrapping both arms around him, as he started to rub his back, gently.

"I just think I hurt you too much, and it isn't fair." Even admitted, almost in a whisper.

"You are not this... _problem_ , Even."

But Even went quiet.

"You've told me a lot of things over the years while you were depressed. None of which hurt as bad as what you said last night."

"I'm sorry." Even said, still running the soap gently on Isak's back.

"I know you are, but you need to stop."

"Stop what?"

"Thinking I'm doing you this favor. As if I'm putting up with you or I'm only with you despite you being bipolar."

"Oh, that."

"I'm not, by the way."

"I know that."

"I can't say it again, because quite frankly I don't want to risk throwing up while naked with you rubbing my back."

"Okay." Even smiled.

"You are so good, Even. I wish you understood how good you are.” Isak couldn't help but tell him.

Even took each of Isak's hands, placing one over his shoulder and doing the same thing with the other, only kissing his palm first.

"Can you stand still?"

"I think so. Why?"

"I'm gonna kneel. Don't get any ideas." he teased.

"Trust me, the way I feel? I don’t think I can" Isak said, as Even looked back at him, totally not remotely convinced.

"I'm gonna wash your legs."

"Aah, nice."

"No, not _‘nice’_. There’s puke on your leg, so I don’t want to get distracted by any part of you until I get that off, okay?"

"I make no promises." Isak joked.

As Even washed Isak's legs, Isak kept holding onto his shoulders, sometimes gently caressing the base of Even's neck. 

"There." Even says, standing up and holding Isak by the waist.

"I did nothing." Isak volunteered, defensively. 

"I know, you did good. Now, let's get you to bed" Even said, pulling him closer so he could turn the water off. "You need to lie down, Isak." he added.

"Can you do this once we're in bed, though? Can you keep doing this?"

"I can hold you for as long as you like, babe"

*******

"He bought you a house?" Sana asked Isak, baffled.

He had been delaying telling anyone about the house because he quite enjoyed having a hideaway, someplace only he and Even knew of. 

" _Us_. He bought _us_ a house. And, well. He actually bought it for the pool." he corrected her.

"He bought a house for the pool? What is he, twelve?" 

"There's some history to that pool, see." he awkwardly tells her, wishing she'd just move on from that part of the subject.

"What kind of history can a strange family's pool have?" 

And now he had to explain it to her, even though he knew she'd find it ridiculous.

"It's where we had our first kiss. In that pool."

"Oh. So you knew the owners?"

Yep. Isak was going to really explain.

"Not quite. We sort of broke in one night? It's not important, the point is there's a reason why he bought the pool."

"And the house that comes with it?"

"Yes."

"And you're fine with that?"

"Why wouldn't I be fine with that? He bought the pool we had our first kiss in."

"And a house, Isak. You two now own a house together. It's okay to have some anxiety over it." she told him, casually.

He didn't, though. Not really, anyway. Sure, he had devoted maybe a few minutes to that particular fact, and he knew it was a big deal, he's wasn’t stupid. But the house didn't scare him, which was ultimately also something he had devoted some time considering: the fact that it maybe should scare him, but didn’t.

"I'm actually okay with it. It's big, I know."

" _’Big’_?"

"What is it you want to say, Sana?" 

If there was one thing that annoyed the hell out of Isak was someone tiptoeing around whatever subject.

"It's just kind of huge, isn’t it? One step closer to marriage huge. And I know how you feel about that, so I assumed you'd have some anxiety over it." she admitted it, finally.

"It's a house, Sana. Not a proposal."

And just as he said it he had a flashback to when he entered the study and saw the box that held the key to the house and was afraid it might've been something else. He wasn't sure if he could blame this memory coming back on Sana pushing the subject, but he was willing to give it a try.

"Isak." she said, and he just hated how her tone implied she knew better - mainly because she did.

"I really am fine with the house, Sana. The house isn't the issue."

"Right."

"Okay, so he did this thing, right? The day he showed me the place, he hid a tiny velvet box in the study for me to find-" he started to confess.

"Ugh. Go on."

"Do you want me to tell you or not?" Isak asked, annoyed.

"Sorry, go ahead."

"When I found the box, my reaction was... well, I just sort of asked him what the fuck he was thinking. Almost like a reflex. I didn't know it was a box with the key to the house."

"You thought it was a ring."

"I was- Yes, that was my first thought."

"Fair enough. It was a tiny, corny, velvet box after all. Sorry."

He gave her a _'fuck off'_ look before continuing.

"Then he said something that has been kind of bugging me a bit."

"What did he say?"

"He made this joke and said _'Relax, I'm not proposing. **Yet'.**_ "

"Shit."

"Exactly. But he said it casually, you know? It was a joke.” Isak tried convincing her, and possibly him also. “He made it sound like a joke." he repeated.

"Um."

"Oh god, what?" he looks at her, hopelessly freaked out.

"Do you think it was a joke?"

"I did, at first. Now I can't seem to not hear him repeat it, over and over again in my head. I'm not sure."

"Would he do that, though?"

"Fuck if I know. It's Even, Sana, and he bought me a fucking pool."

"Is it something you guys talk about? Or have talked about?"

"Once or twice, sure. He knows how I feel about it."

"Well, then he wouldn't. He probably wouldn’t."

"Yes, well I could've sworn he'd never buy a house as an anniversary present, too."

"What would you do if he did?"

"Punch him? Is that a response?"

"That's _one_ response"

They both laughed and he knew she was only doing it to calm him down, but, God, did he love her for it.

"I don't believe in marriage, Sana." Isak volunteered.

"It’s not Santa, Isak. And that's not a real answer."

"Of course it’s an answer.” he said, ignoring her first comment. “It's quite a to-the-point kind of answer."

"How in danger of being proposed to do you think you are?"

"It's not the flu, Sana. I don't think I'm at risk of catching marriage."

"I'm trying to be supportive and make you analyze this mathematically, so you can distance yourself from it, you ass." she told him, about to lose her cool.

"You want a percentage? I'd say there's maybe a 40% chance of him being clueless enough to do such a fucked up thing."

"Why forty?"

"I would've said 25, but then Jonas had to go and propose to Eva and we all seem to be breathing weddings these days, so it's bound to come up at some point. Vilde will probably say something and embarrass the shit out of me. Or Magnus. Maybe Magnus will just say something cruel and yet spot on, and make me wish I'd drown in our pool."

"So, 40%?"

"Forty fucking percent."

They both look at each other and then straight ahead, considering that number.

"There are two things you should consider, I think."

"Yeah? Which things?"

"First, Even."

"I know. Shit, I know"

"It wouldn't be unlike him to want to marry you. It would actually be quite lovely of him. Not a bad thing at all."

"And the second?" he made it a point not to add anything to what she had just said. He couldn't, he felt like his mind was failing him.

"You may not believe in marriage, Isak."

"I don't."

"But what if he does? What if it really is something he wants?"

"Is that the second thing?"

"Part of it, yes."

"Well?"

"Could you say _'no'_? Or, better yet, could you live with the consequences of saying _'no'_?"

He couldn't answer her, and she knew it.

"But saying _'yes'_ and not mean it?"

"What wouldn't you mean? Would you be saying _'no'_ to him or to marriage? That's the issue."

"I'd never say _'no'_ to him, Sana."

"To marriage, then?"

"I fucking hate Jonas and Eva."

*******

Isak spent the better part of that day replaying his conversation with Sana. He was completely absent while giving his two classes, later that afternoon. He couldn't seem to focus on anything else and it was starting to really piss him off, because not only was he obsessing about something he wasn't sure was ever going to happen, he also couldn't seem to shake the feeling that somehow this was a part of Even he had never truly paid any attention to, and he hated himself for that. He absolutely hated the possibility of having neglected Even.

"Professor?" a student asked, quietly, as Isak realized he had been staring out the window of his classroom long enough for everyone to notice he wasn't really there.

"What? Sorry, Anna." he said, forcing his mind to fucking cooperate.

"You were talking about Heidegger? His concept of death and time?"

"Of course. Yes, right. Where was I? Did we discuss the three dimensions?" he asked the class, and no one knew if they had, which was just as well because this was a course on Heidegger, after all.

"Alright. Well. Past, present and future. These are the three dimensions that are simultaneously open to man. As man favors one of the three, that dimension determines, and to an extent modifies the remaining. The future then is that which is projected towards the being. Once the being projects itself towards the future, it returns to that which it already is. Embracing the fact that it is finite."

As everyone took note of what Isak had said, the door to the classroom was opened and it was the dean. Just as Isak noticed him, the bell rang, but no student paid any attention to it. Instead, they all finished writing and went back to looking at Isak. However, the dean seemed quite pleased with how interested they all seemed.

"So, there you go. Next week we'll still focus on these dimensions, but I think it's time we start discussing Heidegger's approach to death, and in so doing we will need to understand his notion of anguish and care. To that end, I'd like you guys to try and read chapter 53 so we can discuss it in class. I promise I'll be a part of said discussion."

They all smiled and began to gather their things, and Isak watched as the dean quietly left.

As Isak gathered his things, he noticed that there was one person sitting in the back row who wasn't getting ready to leave. He couldn't make out exactly who it was, because of the students that were standing up and walking about, but the hair and the jacked were dead giveaways. It was Even. 

Isak loved being surprised by Even at work. It was something that would always save even the shittiest of days. Today, however, he was worried Even would've noticed just how lost he was during class. 

Once everyone had left, Even got up and started to slowly walk down to the front of the class to meet Isak. Eventually, Isak simply stopped gathering his papers and simpkly watched him, that being one of his favorite things. 

"So, I'm not ashamed to admit I've no idea what you said for about 80% of this class." Even said, casually.

"That's kind of a shared experience among those who take my class."

"I prefer the academic gossip. It's easier to understand." he said, honestly. 

"Like the affair with Hanna Arendt?"

"Or the Nazi thing." Even added.

"That, too."

"The paradox in that relationship alone is fascinating." Even said, moving closer to Isak, who stood leaning on his desk and had his hands in his pockets. 

"Did you know you're one hot teacher?" he asked, taking a step closer to Isak, but stopping to look at all the writing on the board.

"Yeah?" Isak said, biting his lip.

"Especially when you talk about _‘dimensions’ and _‘being’ and all these other things I have no clue as to what they mean."__

__He took one more step and was now two inches away from Isak. Even gently touched Isak's cheek with the back of his hand and leaned in to kiss him hello._ _

__"You should do this more often." Isak told him, after they kissed._ _

__"What? Kiss you?"_ _

__Even raised both eyebrows when he said it, which almost caused Isak to jump him._ _

__"Well, yes. But also visit."_ _

__It took a _lot_ for him not to._ _

__"Oh. I can do that." he said, before kissing him again. "You look tired, babe."_ _

__Isak dropped his head on Even's chest and let out the biggest sigh._ _

__"I know. I just feel like going to bed."_ _

__"Then you're in luck, ‘cause I'm can take you to it."_ _

__"Yeah, but we have that dinner thing at Eva and Jonas’."_ _

__"We can cancel it. I could cancel it."_ _

__"We can't cancel. We already said we were going."_ _

__"We can get there late, though."_ _

__"Fuck it, let's do it. I'm not gonna spend an evening talking about weddings and clothes. Not when I just want to go home and take yours off."_ _

__"I can't object to that kind of reasoning."_ _

__******* _ _

__When they got to the flat, Isak was no longer feeling as tired as before. They had stopped to get some Chinese food on the way and planned on eating it in bed while watching a movie. It was Even's turn to choose the film, and Isak would typically bug him over his choice of movies - usually extremely deep, emotionally draining epic love stories that tended to leave Isak feeling exactly the same way. Tonight, however, Isak was looking forward to it. They hadn't had a takeout-movie-night in weeks, and watching Even experience a movie was one of Isak's very favorite things._ _

__He took so much pleasure from seeing Even react to the plot, anticipate a certain twist or analyze the different layers the film had, from the cinematography to the quality of the writing and, of course, the editing and directing. When Even got caught up in explaining a certain technique or production value was usually when Isak could see that boy from high school come back in full force._ _

___"Captivating."_ Isak would often wonder. Even could be so fucking captivating._ _

__As Isak got the drinks, Even took the food to the bedroom and put the movie on._ _

___Les Chansons D'Amour_ was the choice for the evening, and Isak was happy when he found out, because not only didn’t it have a sad ending, it was also one of the few musicals he could actually stand. Plus, of course, Louis Garrel._ _

__"How's your _chop suey_?" Even asked him, just as he reached over with his chopsticks to try some._ _

__"It's delicious. You'll like it." Isak told him, not taking his eyes away from the TV._ _

__"I love this." Isak said, while seeing Louis Garrel's character break into song._ _

__"I was going to go with Tarkovsky's _The Mirror_ , but I thought you'd enjoy this one a bit more tonight." Even told him._ _

__"You were so right. Although I would've enjoyed any movie tonight."_ _

__"Yeah? Why's that?"_ _

__" _Takeout-movie-night_? We hadn't done it in a while. I've missed it."_ _

__"Yeah, me too, babe." Even told him, pleased._ _

__"How do they shoot a scene like that?" Isak asked, pretending not to know, only so it would get Even to tell him. For the five minutes that followed, Even turned back to being that boy from high school and Isak appreciated every single second of it._ _

__By the time the movie was almost over, they had stopped eating and were cuddling in bed, Even stroking Isak's hair and Isak running his fingers on top of Even's t-shirt, down from his chest to his stomach and then back again._ _

__" _'Love me less, but love me a long time'_ \- Isn't that a great line?" Even commented, as the last line of the movie was uttered._ _

__"I like it. Although it implies that the intensity of a feeling can somehow doom a relationship." Isak said._ _

__"You disagree?"_ _

__"Not at all. I just think it's not so black and white."_ _

__"How do you mean?"_ _

__"Different couples have different relationships and thus sometimes loving less means leaving, while other times it can mean assuring the relationship goes on forever."_ _

__"True. Which one are we?" Even asked, casually._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"In which point of that spectrum do you think we're at?" Even questioned him._ _

__"Oh, I don't think intensity has ever been a problem for us" Isak said, looking up to him, smiling._ _

__"No need to love you less, then?"_ _

__"Nope. None at all. You?"_ _

__"Don't you dare" he says, holding Isak tighter._ _

__******* _ _

__Thursday night meant poker night, and Isak and Jonas sat on the dining room table as they waited for Magnus and Mahdi to come from the kitchen with the pizza and beer. Isak was dealing the cards while Jonas was rolling a blunt._ _

__"How was work?" Jonas asked._ _

__"It was alright. I'm having trouble concentrating lately, tough. How’s the book coming along?" Isak said, casually._ _

__"I’m almost done. All I have to do now is come up with a way to wrap the whole thing together. Why are you not concentrating? Is something up?"_ _

__"Not really. I don't know. Maybe." Isak hated how he was unable to bullshit Jonas._ _

__"Well, that clears it up."_ _

__"Yeah, I don't know. I'm up for tenure, which is sort of stressful enough on its own." Isak lied._ _

__It wasn't a real lie, but rather a half-truth. Isak couldn't lie to Jonas, for Jonas could somehow always tell he was bullshitting him. A half-truth confused Jonas enough so he'd refrain from pressing the issue._ _

__"You think you'll get it?"_ _

__"Probably not. I've no seniority, there's no real need for a research on multiverses or a lack of philosophy teachers, so."_ _

__"Come on, I've been to your classes. They're always packed."_ _

__Mahdi entered, placing the pizza on the table, as Magnus followed with the beer._ _

__"That's because most of the students are there because they think he's hot." Magnus said, catching Isak by surprise._ _

__"What? They do not." Isak told him, insulted._ _

__"They do, man. But it's not a bad thing." Mahdi interjects, causing Isak to get even more offended._ _

__"What the fuck? Jonas?" Isak asked him, wanting confirmation._ _

__"Well, some of them do. But that's not the main reason why your classes are packed, though."_ _

__"Who the fuck would want to spend a semester talking about infinite universes or debating whether or not Nietzsche was a prick?" Magnus again demonstrated how well he could read a situation and stop talking when it got a bit awkward._ _

__"Thanks, Mags. Fuck off."_ _

__"Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing." Magnus explained._ _

__"How is that a good thing? You're basically saying my career is shit and I get by on looks. It's not only untrue, but it's fucking insulting."_ _

__"I'm saying it's good because they'd never fire the hot teacher."_ _

__"You think Isak's hot?" Mahdi asked, smiling._ _

__"As dudes go, sure. He's pretty hot." he said, honestly._ _

__"Well yeah, I can see that." Mahdi says, looking at Isak from top to bottom and prompting him to immediately take the blunt from Jonas, who was mid-puff, and start smoking it likes it's a cigarette._ _

__"Who's turn is it to deal?" Jonas asked, trying to change the subject. Isak was forever grateful._ _

__"Yours." Magnus said, grabbing a slice of pizza._ _

__"Where's Even, Isak?" Mahdi asked as Jonas dealt the cards._ _

__"The studio. They moved up the premiere of the movie in five months, so he's working on some last minute details, like the music and shit. They also had to work out the publicity strategy for the film and he needs to be a part of it, which he hates." Isak answers, still refusing to pass the blunt back to Jonas or share it at all._ _

__“Why did they move it up?” Jonas asked him._ _

__“They submitted it to this festival, and it happens every June, so they moved the premiere for the week of the opening, meaning next Friday.” Isak explained._ _

__“So soon? He must be freaking out.” Mahdi said._ _

__“He is. He’s extremely anxious.” Isak told them._ _

__"Wait, next Friday?" Jonas asked him._ _

__"Yes, and he hasn't even brought it up, so let's all just not remind him." Isak told them, serious._ _

__"Like he'd forget your birthday." Mahdi said, rolling his eyes._ _

__"It's fine if he does, that's all I'm saying." Isak explained._ _

__"Now _there's_ a hot guy." Magnus says, absent mindedly._ _

__Jonas and Isak laughed as Mahdi considered it for a moment._ _

__"True. I think Isak's hotter, though." Mahdi said, winking and smiling back at Isak._ _

__"Thanks, man." Isak winked back, laughing._ _

__"I got your back, dude." Mahdi says._ _

__Everyone is in for the first hand._ _

__"Call." Magnus said while looking at his cards. "I can't wait to see the film." he added._ _

__"Call. Me too. What's it about?" Mahdi asked._ _

__"It's Even. So I would guess it's an epic love story? I also call." Jonas wonders, smiling at Isak._ _

__"It is, actually. I call, too." he said._ _

__"Great. I haven't seen a good movie in ages. It is good, right? Raise twenty." Magnus said._ _

__"I think it’s going to be his best yet." Isak told them, proudly. “I’ve only seen some random scenes, so far, but he’s showing me the rough cut tonight, though. I can’t wait to see it.”_ _

__"I'm out." Mahdi said._ _

__"Me too. Fold" said Jonas._ _

__"Call." Isak told Magnus._ _

__Jonas dealt each another card._ _

__"I call." Magnus said, looking happy after seeing his hand._ _

__"Raise fifty." Isak told him instantly without looking at his._ _

__"Fifty? Shit, where's Even when you need him? I call."_ _

__"What does that mean? Raise another fifty." Isak says, purely out of spite._ _

__"He's the only one who can call your bluff. Call." Magnus said, making him even more annoyed._ _

__Mahdi and Jonas just stared at each other, enjoying the pizza as well as the tension._ _

__"Okay, boys. Let's see them." Jonas told the two._ _

__"Can you beat a full house?" Isak says, smugly._ _

__"Shit." Magnus said, before mucking._ _

__"Nice." Mahdi said, as Isak took the pot and was handed a new blunt Jonas had rolled._ _

__Jonas' phone rang and he read the text he got from Eva, looking disappointed._ _

__"Everything okay?" Isak asked him._ _

__"She's working late again. She’s working on this big case and I takes up all of her free time, it's fucking awful." he confessed him._ _

__"Speaking of Eva, we haven't discussed the bachelor party yet." Magnus said, excitedly._ _

__"No party. I don't want any of that. Just a night out with you guys is fine. Maybe some poker, or a nice dinner somewhere or some drinks at a bar. But no party" Jonas told him, firmly._ _

__Magnus looked like a kid who just had his candy stolen from him._ _

__" _'A nice dinner'?_ ” he repeated, disgusted. “What are you, eighty? Do you want some nice mushy food, too? What the fuck, dude? Isak?" Magnus pleaded._ _

__"He doesn't want a party. There's nothing I can do." Isak simply told him, calmly._ _

__"Yes, there is. We can have a proper bachelor party, not bingo night." Magnus pressed._ _

__"Let it go, Mags" Mahdi said._ _

__"Well, when I get married I want a full on, proper bachelor party. Not some nice dinner date with dudes."_ _

__"We know, Mags" Isak tells him._ _

__"Maybe when Isak and Even tie the knot they'll have a party." Mahdi suggests to Magnus, and Isak finds the idea utterly strange._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"True. They'll probably marry before I do." Magnus admits to Mahdi, both of them ignoring Isak's interruption._ _

__"I can't believe they weren't the first ones, actually." Mahdi tells him._ _

__"Guys?" Jonas decided to say, predicting a rather quick escalation to the topic._ _

__They also ignore him._ _

__"Right? But they have a house now, so." Magnus points out._ _

__"What the hell is this?" Isak angrily asks to Jonas, who rolls his eyes and shakes his head._ _

__"Relax, we're just teasing you" Mahdi said._ _

__"I'm not. I do think they'll marry before I do." Magnus tells them._ _

__"Sure, but that's not really that hard to predict." Jonas says, laughing and being joined by Mahdi._ _

__"Yes it is. Who says I'm getting married at all?" Isak asked, furious._ _

__"You guys don't want to?" Mahdi asks him._ _

__"I don't do marriage. So, no" he tells him._ _

__"What does _that_ mean?" Magnus asked, rather confused._ _

__"It means I won't be doing it" Isak simply says._ _

__"Dude, you're saying you'll never marry Even?" Mahdi asks, surprised._ _

__"It changes nothing. It's just a fucking contract. Why would I need to? No offense, Jonas"_ _

__"None taken, man. Leave him alone, guys"_ _

__Jonas knows why Isak hates marriage. And he may not agree, but he respects it, and Isak knows that._ _

__"I'm sorry, but how can you not consider it? So you'll just reject him when he asks?" Magnus asked him, in total disbelief. He also looked disappointed._ _

__"He knows I don't do marriage, so no, I won't have to say _'no'_ to him because he knows how I feel about it"_ _

__"Dude..." Mahdi said, softly. But Isak was moving from annoyed to pissed off quite rapidly._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"It's Even. Mr. Epic Love Story? You really think he doesn't want to get married?"_ _

__"Just because people like the idea of marriage doesn't mean it's the right thing for everyone. And it certainly doesn't mean it works. Shit, I'm sorry, Jonas"_ _

__"It's fine, man. I get it" Jonas said, and he really did._ _

__"I need another beer" Isak said, before drinking the resto of his bottle in one single gulp and then standing up to go get another bottle from the kitchen._ _

__Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas remained seatted, staring at one another for a second._ _

__"What the fuck? You guys need to fucking drop it" Jonas tells them, serious._ _

__"Doesn't he know Even thinks of this?" Mahdi asks Jonas._ _

__"I can't believe he doesn't" Magnus points out._ _

__"What don't I know?" Isak, clearly bothered by the whole discussion, says, as he sits back down and sips from his beer._ _

__"Nothing dude. I was just being-" Mahdi begins trying to explain himself._ _

__"Too late now, isn't it? What don't I know?"_ _

__"It's just- I remember Even mentioning it, a while back. That's all"_ _

__"Mentioning what?"_ _

__"You and him getting hitched" Mahdi tries saying it as casually as he could._ _

__"He's talked about it?" Isak asked, surprised._ _

__"No, he hasn't. Dude, seriously?" Jonas tells Mahdi._ _

__At this point Jonas was desperately trying to save the night, but now it was Isak who can't let it go. How could they know something about Even that he didn't? Something as important as this, no less?_ _

__"Just the one time. I only remember him talking about once" Mahdi ignored Jonas' interjection._ _

__"When?"_ _

__"A couple of years ago, maybe? Right around the time Sana and Yousef got married"_ _

__"You remember a conversation about me getting married to Even from three years ago? How?"_ _

__"Beats me. I guess it was the way he said it. It just stuck with me"_ _

__And now this was really getting out of control._ _

__"How the fuck did he say it?"_ _

__"It's Even, dude. He was all excited about the idea. Like he had everything figured out, your whole future together and shit. He talked about it like it was this sure thing"_ _

__"I can't believe this" Isak said, looking at Jonas._ _

__"But I may be wrong. It was a long time ago, I may be remembering it wrong. Maybe I'm remembering wrong?"_ _

__"Seriously, guys. What in the fuck?" Jonas jumps in, clearly annoyed._ _

__"Whose turn is it to deal?" Isak said, trying to drop the subject._ _

__"Yours, man" Magnus tells him._ _

__"Of course it fucking is"_ _

__******* _ _

__Isak left Jonas' and decided to walk to the flat. The cold night air didn't seem to bother him, for he was still replaying the things Magnus and Mahdi had said, over and over in his head. After walking a few block, his phone vibrated. It was Even, asking him if he wanted to meet him at the house. He readily typed in his reply, happily agreeing on spending the night at their new house. It also gave him a chance to cool off, seeing as the house was in the opposite direction of the flat, which meant twenty to thirty more minutes worth of walking._ _

__******* _ _

__The only source of light in the living room came from the projector. Even had shown Isak the rough cut of his film, and they were now watching the version he had cut especially _for_ Isak. As Isak watched, Even couldn't help but keep his eyes on him, attentively analyzing every expression, each reaction Isak had while experiencing his version._ _

__"Will he go back?" Isak asked him, without taking his eyes off the screen._ _

__"I'm not going to give out spoilers to my own movie" Even replied, smiling._ _

__"He will, I think. Unless you chose to go with one of those complex endings, leaving it to the audience to fill in the blanks."_ _

__"What audience? This is your cut, babe. _You're_ the audience."_ _

__"Aha! So, it's a _'yes'_ , then? They'll get back together?"_ _

__"You'll find out soon enough."_ _

__"You can be mean, Even."_ _

__Even leaned in and kissed Isak's cheek, who turned his face just a bit, as if leaning back on Even's, but continuing to keep his eyes fixed on the film.  
Once the movie was over, and as the screen went black, Even quickly got up to turn on the lights, sitting right back down under the blanket they were sharing. Excited and nervous, he waited for Isak to speak._ _

__"I knew he'd come back." Isak told him, smiling._ _

__"You did, huh?"_ _

__"It's so good, Even. Both cuts are. I loved it."_ _

__"Really? It’ll be better once we put the music and work on the sound, but I think you can get a pretty good idea as to the finished product.” he said. “You have to tell me if it's crap, though. I can take it, but you need to tell me because yours is the one opinion I'll take into account."_ _

__Isak smiled, and then became rather serious._ _

__"Honest. It's better than I thought. I mean, the long take that closes the film is just genius."_ _

__"Yeah? It isn't crap then?"_ _

__"No, it isn't. You did so good, baby. It's not shit at all." Isak said, happily._ _

__"How about your cut?"_ _

__"Well, my cut is the better one, I think. But that's only because it was made for me."_ _

__"But did you like it?"_ _

__"I did. I'm still processing it, actually. It is deeper than the actual cut of the film. I cried a lot less, though. At least in my cut he doesn't die."_ _

__"Yeah, most of that are actually aspects to it I wished the studio had let me include in the original."_ _

__"It works well with the whole, I think. And it makes you question it, which is always good."_ _

__"I'm so relieved you liked it." Even says, falling back, relieved._ _

__"I loved it, baby."_ _

__Isak leans in and kisses Even._ _

__"Do you want to spend the night here instead of driving back to the flat?"_ _

__"Yes, please. I won't wait that long." Isak tells him, biting his lip._ _

__"Wait for what?"_ _

__"To thank you for my movie."_ _

__He climbed over Even, sitting on his lap, facing him._ _

__"I really did like it, you know?"_ _

__******* _ _

__The apartment is so full Isak has to be careful not to spill his drink as he zigzags his way towards Magnus, who is acting uncharacteristically unlike himself by sitting alone out on the balcony._ _

__"Mags?"_ _

__"Isak. Great party, huh, dude?" Magnus says, always enthusiastic, only this time his enthusiasm seems to be short lasting and he goes back to being serious rather quickly - something Isak notices but chooses not to point out._ _

__"I had nothing to do with any of this. This is all Vilde." Isak tells him as he sits next to him and takes a sip from his drink._ _

__"Of course it is. The decorations, I can't believe I didn't connect it with Vilde."_ _

__"I'm just glad this is Jonas' place, not mine. I really don't feel like cleaning all this shit up."_ _

__Isak watches as Magnus seems to be lost in thought._ _

__"Why are you out here all alone?"_ _

__"I don't know. I guess I needed the fresh air." he tells Isak, who obviously sees straight through the bullshit._ _

__Magnus is always part of any party, and he is anything if not extremely observant - not to mention perpetually cheerful. For him to not notice one of Vilde's famous black and white themes is rather telling. And it's beginning to make Isak nervous, because it's practically winter, and fresh air is simply not possible during winter because two seconds of it and you freeze, Isak thinks._ _

__"What's going on, Mags?"_ _

__"What? Nothing's going on, dude."_ _

__Isak stares at him and doesn't have to utter the word "bullshit" before Magnus gets it._ _

__"It's Astrid." Magnus says it as if it hurt him._ _

__"What about Astrid?"_ _

__"I- Well, I think I'm- I think we're over" he admits, painfully._ _

__"Over? Did you guys fight or something? She seems pretty normal."_ _

__As he says it, Isak looks over his shoulder and into the living room at Astrid laughing loudly at whatever joke Mahdi and Jonas were just telling her. Magnus doesn't even turn around. He just resumes staring at his empty bottle of beer resting on his hand._ _

__"She doesn't know. It's just something I've been thinking about lately. I just. I don't think I love her, Isak. Is that awful?"_ _

__"That isn't awful, Mags. But wait, back up a bit. Where is all this coming from?"_ _

__"It's not like it's out of the blue or anything. I've been thinking it for quite a while now and, well. I don't know."_ _

__Isak watches as Magnus finally turns and faces him._ _

__"Do you ever think about... possibilities?" he asks Isak._ _

__"I'm a philosopher, Magnus. And a scientist to boot. I only think of possibilities" Isak tells him as they both smile._ _

__"Not that kind, not science. Maybe philosophy, I don't know. Don't you ever wonder about how much time you and Even have been together for? Not about the amount of time, exactly. But about how _long_ it's been?"_ _

__"I think you lost me there, bud."_ _

__"I seem to be so aware that Astrid and I have been together for as long as we have."_ _

__"And that's a bad thing?"_ _

__"I think it is, because whenever I think about it I just can't help but think it's too long. Too much time with just one person."_ _

__"Oh. I see."_ _

__"You do?"_ _

__"I think I do."_ _

__"And you don't have this with Even?"_ _

__"Do I feel like the amount of time we've been together is too much? No, I can't say that I do."_ _

__"It's just. How can you not? I care about Astrid, I do. But I can't help it, I feel trapped. I feel like I'm missing out, or maybe just not doing it properly."_ _

__"Doing what properly?"_ _

__"Being with her. Dating her."_ _

__"That's sort of a tough one, Mags. Since when is there an A or B to that? Like a right way and a wrong one?"_ _

__"But there is. And I'm failing, dude. Let me ask you this: do you ever think about the fact you and Even have been dating since high school and maybe you'll be together for another two years, or twenty nine years, or even fifty?"_ _

__"Two? Sure. Fifty? I can't say that I've thought a lot about fifty."_ _

__"And it doesn't bother you? The notion of two or twenty years with this one person? Every single day, for that long?"_ _

__"You can't see that happening for you?"_ _

__"It's not that I can't. It's the opposite. I can. I can see myself two years on with Astrid and I'm not sure I like it. And she's great, but it's a long time."_ _

__"Two-"_ _

__"Maybe not two, but twenty nine, or fifty, or whatever."_ _

__"It isn't something you'd like?"_ _

__"If I'm being honest, no. And I know we've barely been together for two years, but I don't think I'd like it. I know I'm probably being pathetic and lame..."_ _

__"You're not being either, dude. If you feel this, it's not lame."_ _

__"Aren't you ever scared, though?"_ _

__"Of what?"_ _

__"Time? The idea that it can all end tomorrow for you and Even? Doesn't it scare you?"_ _

__And there it was. Good old Magnus, holding nothing back._ _

__"Of course it does."_ _

__"How can you handle it?"_ _

__"I don't dwell on it, not usually."_ _

__What he meant to add was _"but I will tonight, thanks"_._ _

__"How come?"_ _

__"I try not to think too much about the future. Not like that, anyway. Otherwise the present gets neglected."_ _

__"That's such a sixteen year old answer, Isak. You have to think ahead, time is fucking perverse."_ _

__He was right on both accounts, but not entirely. Not as far as Isak was concerned._ _

__"I'm confused, Mags. You say you don't want to be with her, but you can see yourself with her and even freak out about the fact it can end suddenly?"_ _

__"I _want_ to be fine with the idea of being with her, precisely because of time and the fact that it's just not happening, dude."_ _

__"What isn't?"_ _

__"Love, man. I can't seem to fall in love with her. Not like I want to. Not like you and Even, not even close. The closest I've ever come to that was with Vilde."_ _

__"You're not obligated to have what other people have, Magnus. Or want to have it, for that matter. It's perfectly fine if you don't love Astrid. The same way it's alright for you to not want to be with someone for too long. It's your life. There's no recipe for it, no equation. It's simply _life._ "_ _

__"But I want something like you have. Only maybe just not for so long? Shit, I'm such a loser."_ _

__"It's fine not to want it, dude. And maybe you don't want it because you're with Astrid and you're trying to feel something for her you just can't. Maybe if you meet someone else you'll feel different."_ _

__"You think?"_ _

__"I don't know. You may or you may not. My point is that it's unimportant, you get to live the way you wish to, Mags."_ _

__"I can't understand it, though. In my mind I really love the idea of spending years with one person. Just... the theory seems better than the practice."_ _

__"So far."_ _

__"Maybe."_ _

__"You can't force yourself into such a huge aspect of your life, man. You can't just stay with someone you don't love hoping one day it'll be okay."_ _

__"How can _you_ do it?"_ _

__"I don't do that."_ _

__"Not that. You and Even. How can you not think about the fact you've been together forever and may be together much longer? Aren't you ever curious?"_ _

__"Curious?"_ _

__"Yeah. As to what is out there. About being with someone else, kissing someone else or whatever."_ _

__"I never said I wasn't curious."_ _

__"So you are?"_ _

__"Sometimes I wonder about it. Sure."_ _

__"And?"_ _

__"It's a thought, Magnus. Sure, sometimes it crosses my mind, but it's a moment. Not a life. It's so different."_ _

__"But shouldn't you just maybe find out if it's something you would like? If you think it..."_ _

__"Wait a minute, I don't think about it like _that_. It isn't something I think of with some sort of longing or any other feeling other than curiosity. And my curiosity is just that. It's a thing I entertain the thought of for a moment and then I don't. It's not some hang up or some need that I repress."_ _

__"You don't think you could act on it?"_ _

__"Not really, no. But the point is I don't _want_ to act on it."_ _

__"Why not?"_ _

__"Because of Even."_ _

__"And what it would do to him?"_ _

__"No. Well, sure, but no. I don't act on it because I don't want to. I don't want to because of Even."_ _

__"Why?"_ _

__"Because I don't need anything else, Mags. Or anyone else. I don't think anyone would be better, would make me feel better, than Even."_ _

__"And if it means that for the next twenty nine years or fifty you'll only be with him?"_ _

__"I don't think of it like that, see."_ _

__"How come? How do you think of?"_ _

__"No matter how long a time we have, be it two more months or thirty seven years or whatever"_ _

__"Yeah?"  
"It just doesn't feel like enough."_ _

__"Jesus." Magnus says, smiling._ _

__Isak laughs and for the first time Magnus laughs, just as loudly._ _

__"After all these years you still feel like that?"_ _

__"I do. I really do."_ _

__"I don't, and it's been so little time compared to you two." Magnus confesses, but his expression isn't one of sadness or guilt. He looks like he understands something, finally._ _

__"It's okay if you don't."_ _

__"It's exhausting to date, dude." Magnus admits and they both laugh._ _

__"Can I just say one thing?" Isak asks him._ _

__"Of course."_ _

__"Astrid. Even though you don't want to be with her, she does. You need to tell her."_ _

__"Shit. I know. I hate this part. I usually am on the receiving end of this part."_ _

__"See? Things are looking up already." Isak says, patting him on the back._ _

__"She's going to kick me out."_ _

__"It's okay. You can stay with Even and me."_ _

__"You guys have a spare bedroom for loser friends?"_ _

__"We have a spare bedroom, but that's for when Isak visits. You can stay on the couch."_ _

__"I hate being single already."_ _

__"I'm just messing with you. Sana would never let Isak stay the night. You can stay in his room, he'll probably only use it when he's old enough to run away."_ _

__"I'm going to go find her. That way you and Even here can have the balcony all to yourselves."_ _

__Isak doesn't quite get it until Magnus gets up to leave and receives a pat on the back from Even. Isak stands up to find Even smiling back at him, happily._ _

__"Hey babe." Even and all of his white teeth say, before kissing Isak's cheek and handing him a beer._ _

__"How long had you been listening in? Isak backs away a bit and leans in on the wall._ _

__"Not long. I barely overheard you talking about me" and the smile was still there, only now it was accompanied by a single eyebrow lift that always weakened Isak's knees._ _

__"That's rude, you know?" Isak bites his lip as he says it._ _

__"Only if you hear something bad about yourself. When it's good, it's more like frowned upon. Not really rude."_ _

__Even takes one more step closer to Isak and is now close enough to put both hands on Isak's hip._ _

__"Oh, good. At least you only heard the good part, not the stuff I said before" Isak tells him, trying hard not to smile. But it's no use, for Even tightens his grip slightly, pinning him to the wall and now Isak's knees buckle._ _

__Even leans in and kisses him in a way that makes Isak lose his breath, but they are almost instantly interrupted by Astrid, who is looking for Magnus. Isak barely focused long enough to tell her he had gone to the kitchen. He had no idea why he thought of the kitchen, but it was alright because for the few seconds she was talking to him, Even hadn't turned around and was in fact pressing harder on Isak, and Isak would've asked her as many questions as he could possibly think of, if only to prolong those seconds with Even holding him like that and breathing on is neck, making him quiver. Unfortunately for Isak, he could barely muster the word _"kitchen"_ , let alone make small talk. Alas, she left. _ _

__"Poor girl." Even said, quietly._ _

__And just like that, Astrid had gone from a nice person to have around to being responsible for ruining a perfectly good make out session._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"She has no clue."_ _

__"Oh. Yeah. I know."_ _

__Isak slides his hand down Even's back and he can see him losing focus._ _

__"Do you wanna get out of here and go home?" Even instantly asks him, again lifting a single brow._ _

__"That reminds me: I spoke to our landlord. Basically we have three months left on our lease. And if we rescind our contract, we'll have to pay six months worth of rent. So, it's just cheaper to keep the flat for the three months than it is to give it up just yet."_ _

__"So we have to keep doing this back and forth thing for three whole months?"_ _

__"Not necessarily. I was thinking we could just move in now and lock the place up."_ _

__"Or we can lend it to Magnus for the three months. Just in case Astrid does kick him out."_ _

__"Good, 'cause I really don't want to move in to our new house with Magnus."_ _

__"So, home?"_ _

__"Yes, please." Isak tells him, smiling before kissing him._ _

__"Just out of curiosity, when I said I'd take you home, which one did you think of first? The flat or the house?"_ _

__He looks at Even for a beat and bites his lip._ _

__"I just- I just thought of home, to be honest."_ _

__For some reason he seems like he's somewhat embarrassed. As though he had said something he didn't mean to say._ _

__"Yeah, but the flat or the house?" Even insists._ _

__"I thought of home, Even" Isak tells him, matter-of-factly._ _

__Even looks at Isak, confused._ _

__"I know that, babe. What I meant was-"_ _

__"I know what you meant."_ _

__"Then why not answer?"_ _

__"Because I didn't think of the flat or the house. You said _'home'_ and I just immediately- If you take me to the flat, that'll be home. If you take me to the house, it'll be home"_ _

__"Both places?"_ _

__"Not the place, the constant."_ _

__Even looks so beautifully confused, Isak notices._ _

__"It isn't the flat. Nor is it the house. It's you, baby"_ _

__But now he got it, which came as a relief to Isak who just wanted the moment to end so he could stop feeling so fucking exposed._ _

__As the words came out of Isak's mouth, Even pressed his hands to Isak's hip harder, almost as a reflex. He stared at Isak for a beat, taking it in what he'd just heard, then he smiled, absolutely beaming._ _

__" _I'm_ home?"_ _

__"Look, it kinda just slipped-" Isak tries to explain._ _

__"I'm home, though?" Even repeats, giving one of his biggest smiles to date._ _

__"Well, yes. In the sense that-"_ _

__"Tell me again?" he asks, instantly moving his eyes from Isak's, down to his lips, like he wishes to see the words come out of Isak's lips._ _

__"Come on, Even."_ _

__"Babe?"_ _

__"Yes?"_ _

__"Say it again?"_ _

__Isak looks at Even for a second. He _is_ home, there's no way he cannot be._ _

__"You're home, baby" Isak tells him, this time a bit more softly, making Even smile even wider, leaning closer, until their lips got to touch, as if in slow motion._ _

__He kissed Isak, and Isak thought he'd never been kissed this gently before._ _

__Neither of them noticed Sana approaching the balcony, holding a tray with drinks._ _

__"Ugh, come on!"_ _

__Even stopped kissing Isak, who had both hands on Even's back, under his shirt and they both turned to face her._ _

__"You guys spent the whole day together, how can you two even stand it?"_ _

__"It was hardly the whole day..." Even begins to tell her, still smiling._ _

__"Whatever. Isak? I need you to do something" she orders, of course._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"Noora isn't going to make it back from London until two days before the wedding. Vilde has a work thing tomorrow and can't cancel. I'm busy"_ _

__"Okay?"_ _

__"Which leaves you" she said, seemingly frustrated._ _

__"Leaves me where?" Isak so didn't like where this was going._ _

__"I need you to take Eva dress shopping tomorrow"_ _

__He nervously laughs._ _

__"Oh, no. No, no, no, Sana. No way. Why can't you do it? You're one of the bridesmaids"_ _

__"I have to take care of Isak."_ _

__"We can do that! We'd love to take him, we can babysit. Right Even?"_ _

__"Of course, I love that little guy."_ _

__"He has a doctors appointment I can't miss, so. You're his godfather, both of you. And you, Isak, you're the best man, so it's actually only logical"_ _

__"Sure it is" he says, defeated._ _

__"Great."_ _

__"What do I have to do?"_ _

__"Just make sure she likes what she picks. She's going to be tasting some cakes as well, so that should be kind of fun. Oh, and she's also picking out the bridesmaids dresses, so try and not let her make some awful color choice, like orange or fuchsia."_ _

__"Why not orange?"_ _

__"Because I hate orange."_ _

__"You do? Good to know." Isak says, smiling._ _

__"I swear to you, Isak-"_ _

__"I didn't say anything. You don't need to worry. No bad colors. Orange. Got it. I'm looking forward to it now." he said, smiling still._ _

__"I- I'm changing my son's name."_ _

__"You can't. He already answers to it."_ _

__She never even waits for a reply, simply turning around and going back inside, frustrated._ _

__"Dress shopping?" Even asks, trying not to laugh._ _

__"Kill me now, Even."_ _

__"Are you going to say it again?" Even asks, as he dives his head on Isak's neck and kisses it._ _

__Before Isak can answer, though, they are interrupted once again. This time by Vilde._ _

__"Hey guys!"_ _

__"Hi Vilde." Isak says, frustrated. Even just grunts and pulls away, turning his head to face her._ _

__"So, Isak? Did Sana convince you yet?"_ _

__"She convinced me, alright"_ _

__"Good. I've already added you to our group. It's called _"The Zillas"_ , because of _bridezilla_?"_ _

__"Why would I be one of you _Zillas_?"_ _

__"Oh, this is just too good, babe" Even says, extremely please, gently shoving Isak._ _

__Vilde looks at him for a second, confused, then back at Isak._ _

__"Because you're going to be texting us the whole time you're with Eva? Sending us photos of all the dresses she tries on so we can make sure she doesn't go too 80's on this thing?"_ _

__"First of all, there's no such thing. Second, why not just do all that from her phone? Where is the need for me to be a member of a bridesmaids group, Vilde?"_ _

__Vilde opens her mouth for a quick reply, but it's obvious she hadn't thought of that option. Even continues to smile, trying desperately not to laugh._ _

__"Because... I already added you, so there"_ _

__"Fine, Vilde. I'll text. Now please can I go?"_ _

__"Great! You're awesome, Isak."_ _

__"Yes, he is." Even says._ _

__She starts to turn around to go back to the party but doubles back._ _

__"Wait. You two aren't leaving, are you? You can't leave the engagement party"_ _

__"I think we can, though."_ _

__"Why?"_ _

__"Because we want to have sex" Isak says, bluntly._ _

__"Oh. Okay. Have fun, then. Thanks again, Isak." she told him. A little taken aback, but still cheerful._ _

__She turns around and leaves. Even is looking at Isak, surprised._ _

__"Why did you say that to her?" Even asked, quietly._ _

__"I said it because it's the only excuse she'll accept."_ _

__"How can _that_ be the one excuse she's fine with?"_ _

__"Remember right after high school, when the guys and I shared that place near college?"_ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"Well, for some reason Mahdi and Jonas kept bursting in on her and Magnus. It happened quite a lot, and it was almost always be accident and it went on for months. It sort of traumatized her. She's really understanding of people wanting to be alone and having sex, ever since."_ _

__"You do realize we're gonna _have_ to have sex now, don't you?"_ _

__"I do. I don't lie, Even" Isak says, before pulling Even close and kissing him._ _

__******* _ _

__Isak and Eva sat on a large couch as they waited for the designer to bring out the dresses._ _

__"You didn't have to do this, you know? But I'm really glad you're here" Eva said to him, smiling._ _

__"I'm happy to help, dude." Isak said, typing on his phone._ _

__"At least there'll be cake, after." she said, before standing up and moving towards a rack with dozens of dresses hanging from it._ _

__"Why do you think I came?" he joked, smiling._ _

__"Here we go" the designer, Liza, came out dragging a long rack full of dresses. Eva immediately started to inspect each one, taking a few off and walking over to the changing room. A couple of minutes after, she came out wearing a white, somewhat old-fashioned looking dress._ _

__"What do you think of this one?" she asked him, twirling._ _

__"Wait, let me get a picture of it." he said, as he held up his phone._ _

__"You don't have to take a photo of all of them, just the ones that look the best on me."_ _

__"I know."_ _

__And she smiled because he had taken photos of every single one._ _

__"Well? How do I look?"_ _

__"Beautiful."_ _

__"You keep saying that and I love it, but I need you to be objective."_ _

__"So I can criticize?"_ _

__She laughed._ _

__"Be my guest. Hold nothing back."_ _

__"It's pretty. But it looks a bit, old."_ _

__"The dress or me?" she said, puzzled._ _

__"The dress. It looks like someone older would wear it. It doesn't quite fit."_ _

__"So I'm too fat?" she asked, dead serious._ _

__"What? No! You look fine-" Isak tries to explain himself, nervously._ _

__"Relax, Isak. I'm just messing with you. I thought it looked weird, too. Too fluffy."_ _

__"Try the one with the laces again"_ _

__"Okay." she said, heading back to the dressing room._ _

__"Eva?"_ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"Can I ask you something?"_ _

__"Sure."_ _

__"Why are you doing this?"_ _

__"Trying out dresses or getting married?"_ _

__"The later. You never really seemed to be a fan."_ _

__"I know. I don't really care for it. I mean, I don't hate the idea, not the same way you do. I just don't think it changes much"_ _

__"Then why do it?"_ _

__"Jonas."_ _

__"And you're okay with doing something you didn't really care about because he does?"_ _

__"Kinda. I mean, I love him. And he asked me, so I couldn't say _'no'_. And, well, I think I want to marry him. I just never thought of it much"_ _

__"I see."_ _

__He takes a photo of the dressing room door and sends it to Vilde and the girls with the caption "Door"._ _

__"What's bugging you, Isak?"_ _

__"At the moment? Vilde."_ _

__She opens the door and stands in front of him._ _

__"So?"_ _

__"Yeah. That one. You look amazing."_ _

__"You think? I really like the cut of it. And it feels good."_ _

__"It looks perfect."_ _

__The designer comes back out._ _

__"Progress?" she asks, happily._ _

__"I like this one. I think this one. Isak?"_ _

__"Wear it for a bit and see how it feels. But yeah, it's lovely." he says as he takes a photo of her._ _

__"Great. I'll give you two some time to decide, then" and she leaves._ _

__Eva walks over to the mirror and watches herself for a beat, before turning around and sitting next to Isak, casually._ _

__"Come on. Talk."_ _

__"I'm just annoyed, I think."_ _

__"Why?"_ _

__"Because everyone is talking about weddings, and apparently everyone assumes Even is proposing and I'm shit for not wanting to get married and I seem to be talking about only that. Like I'm having to explain myself and discuss it endlessly with everyone except the one person I should actually have this conversation with."_ _

__"First of all, you're not shit for not wanting it. Second, why not talk to him about it?"_ _

__"If it's just me obsessing about something that isn't important I don't want to introduce the issue. If it's something he does think about and has been wanting it, I don't know if talking about it will help or if it'll just mean hurting him."_ _

__"But if it's bothering you..."_ _

__"It bothers me that somehow I've apparently chosen not to notice how big a deal this is for him."_ _

__"You think it is?"_ _

__"That's what they tell me."_ _

__"Isak"_ _

__"I think he thinks of it, yes."_ _

__He also just thought of how much that hurt to admit._ _

__"And you never have?"_ _

__"Honestly? Sure I have. But I don't think I've wanted it. And it has nothing to do with him, but no one seems to believe it."_ _

__"So you don't want to marry. But it's not like you don't want to marry _him_?"_ _

__"Yes! Thank you!" he says, throwing both arms up and looking around, as if wanting to make a point._ _

__"It makes sense. Only-"_ _

__"Shit, what?"_ _

__"It sorta does have something to do with him, doesn't it? If only because you think he may want it. It involves him, whether he's the reason you don't like marriage or not."_ _

__"He's not."_ _

__"Are you positive?"_ _

__"It's not him, Eva. It has something to do with him, but it's not him. Does that make any sense?"_ _

__"Um, a bit?"_ _

__"Ugh."_ _

__"Talk. Tell me."_ _

__"It's not like I refuse the idea because I don't love him enough. I'm not unsure of him or anything like that."_ _

__"Okay."_ _

__"And it's not because of my parents, like people seem to deduce. It's not because they didn't work."_ _

__"Right." she said, rather unconvinced._ _

__"It's something, somewhere in between."_ _

__"I see."_ _

__"You do?"_ _

__"Your dad left."_ _

__"He did."_ _

__"So maybe you either don't like that people leave or you're not too keen on the possibility of you wanting to leave?"_ _

__"I don't think I'd want to leave."_ _

__"No?"_ _

__"I'm afraid he would."_ _

__"Isak" she said it as if she was scolding him._ _

__"He's talked about it enough."_ _

__"He has?"_ _

__"Whenever he has an episode. And also sometimes when he's not having one. If it's during an episode it's one thing, but when it's not..."_ _

__"I didn't know."_ _

__"Yeah, well"_ _

__"How does he talk about that?"_ _

__"He thinks I'd be better off. Like he's too much or something, I don't know."_ _

__"Oh, Isak"_ _

__She seemed almost relieved._ _

__"Or maybe that's what he says, and in reality it's me he doesn't feel sure about"_ _

__"Yeah, now you're not making any sense."_ _

__"I'm serious. He wouldn't say it. Not that."_ _

__"Isak, you can't think Even isn't sure about you."_ _

__"Well."_ _

__"You can't think that."_ _

__"Bottom line is I don't know why he'd do it. Why he'd want to do it. And everyone telling me how it's so obvious he would just pisses me off, because it isn't obvious. Sure, he's the kind of guy who'd want to do it, but that doesn't mean he wants to do it now - or that he wants to do it with me"_ _

__The designer comes back and interrupts them._ _

__"Everything alright?"_ _

__"Yes. I've decided. It's this one, definitely."_ _

__"Great. Shall we fit it?" Liza says, walking over to the mirrors._ _

__"I'll be right back" Eva says, kissing him on the forehead._ _

__She walks over to the corner and stands over a platform surrounded by mirrors and the seamstress starts to fit the dress._ _

__"I know what you're doing, you know" Eva tells him, looking at him through one of the mirrors._ _

__"What am I doing?" he asks her reflection._ _

__"You're trying to somehow make it as if you're the reason marriage wouldn't work. But you know better."_ _

__"That's simply not true." he said, simply to be able to disagree, not necessarily because she was mistaken._ _

__"It's okay, Isak. I think it's part of why, but not why."_ _

__A girl who works at the shop enters the room and Isak stops her._ _

__"Sorry, but you wouldn't happen to have some bridesmaids dresses in orange, would you?"_ _

__"I think we may have a couple, but they're from a few seasons back and rather conceptual"_ _

__"I don't want orange, Isak. Sana hates it, and I was thinking I'd have them each choose their own"_ _

__"I know that" he tells her as he smiles at the girl. "I just need a very flashy orange dress to show someone. The more conceptual the better"_ _

__"Alright. I'll be right back."_ _

__"Thanks."_ _

__"Am I going to have to play along?"_ _

__"Just for a couple of days."_ _

__"Fine. But only because you came today."_ _

__The girl comes back with the dresses and they're as bright as the sun. Isak looks beyond himself with joy, and Eva watches him, smiling and enjoying the sight._ _

__"Here you go."_ _

__"That is just better than I'd hoped. Can you hold it up so I can take a picture of it?"_ _

__******* _ _

__They'd been tasting cakes for almost an hour, still unable to come to a decision._ _

__"I can't remember the last time we spent a whole day together" Eva says as she takes a bite out of a lemon cake._ _

__"Me neither. It's good" Isak tells her as he tries a red velvet._ _

__"But this isn't. Ew, don't eat this. Where's the chocolate one?"_ _

__"You ate it all. Try the coconut" he tells her, casually._ _

__"Okay, and you try the white one with the rose water in the frosting"_ _

__"We need to actually _choose_ a cake, you know. We've been basically just eating all of them"_ _

__"It's cake. When someone puts cake in front of you, it's only polite to eat it"_ _

__Isak looks at her and laughs because she has her face covered in pink frosting._ _

__"Noora says chocolate isn't fancy enough" she tells him._ _

__"Which did you like the most?"_ _

__"The chocolate one."_ _

__"There you go. Let Noora have a white lemon blah cake next time she marries"_ _

__"Good, ‘cause I don't think I can eat anymore"_ _

__"They should serve some alcohol with it. Get the customer properly shitfaced, that way they'll sell anything"_ _

__She laughs, wiping her face, before turning serious._ _

__"Even will love this one" Isak says, with his mouth full._ _

__"I've no one to walk me down the aisle"_ _

__"What?"_ _

__"I was fine with it. I was planning on walking in alone, but I was thinking - and I know you already did a lot - but would you maybe do it?"_ _

__"Would I give you away?" he asked, surprised._ _

__"Yes"_ _

__"I'd be honored, Eva. Of course I'll walk you down the aisle"_ _

__"Yay!" she said, hugging him. "If only we had some chocolate cake to to mark the occasion."_ _

__"Or some alcohol to toast it. See?"_ _

__******* _ _

__Eva and Isak decided to find some wine to toast the fact that he was walking her down the aisle, which meant they went to a bar and lost track of time. By the time Isak walked Eva home and returned to the flat, it was almost two a.m and Even had fallen asleep on the living room couch, waiting for Isak to get home._ _

__He opened the front door quietly as to not make any noise. Once he'd taken off his shoes and hanged his coat, he turned and found Even quietly sleeping, sitting on the sofa with the remote still in his hand._ _

__Isak slowly walked up to him, holding a small yellow box from the cake shop, which he put down next to the TV, took the remote from Even's hand, grabbed the duvet that was on the other couch and placed it over him, carefully sitting down next to Even and gave him a kiss on the cheek as he made himself comfortable, nestling his head on Even's shoulder._ _

__Slowly, Even woke up, putting his left arm around Isak and kissing his temple as he held him close._ _

__"Hey, you" Even said, sleepy._ _

__"Hi, baby. Sorry I'm late."_ _

__"What time is it?"_ _

__"A little past two."_ _

__"Jesus. No wonder my back hurts."_ _

__"That's such an elderly thing to say" Isak tells him, smiling and kissing his neck as he does._ _

__Even laughs. "Something to look forward to."_ _

__"Pains and unplanned naps?"_ _

__Even nodded affirmatively._ _

__"How was it? With Eva?" he asks._ _

__"It was fine, we had fun."_ _

__"Did she find a dress? And a cake?"_ _

__"Yes, she did. I got you some"_ _

__"I'm hoping you mean cake, 'cause the dress was a one-time thing" he said, making Isak laugh._ _

__"I do mean cake. White chocolate and strawberry cream cake"_ _

__"Ooh, gimme" he says, suddenly alert._ _

__Isak gets up, but not before kissing Even's chin, grabs the small yellow box and sits back down next to Even. He opens the box, takes out a plastic fork and feeds Even a bite._ _

__"So?"_ _

__"This is so good. Here, have some"_ _

__"Oh, no. I ate about twenty seven of those. I'm still kinda high on all the sugar"_ _

__Even smiled and took another bite, enjoying it thoroughly._ _

__"Sorry I made you fall asleep out here and hurt your back" Isak says._ _

__"I like waiting up for you. You always bring me stuff."_ _

__"I'm serious." he says, smiling._ _

__"So am I" he says, winking at Isak. "Besides, I like it when you wake me up."_ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"The way you do it? Very few things are better."_ _

__"I didn't know that."_ _

__"I don't tell you _everything_ , Valtersen" Even said, eating another bite of the cake._ _

__"Oh, yeah?" Isak asked him, smiling._ _

__"Sure. There's a lot you don't know."_ _

__"I see" Isak says, as he reaches his hand and wipes a bit of frosting from the corner of Even's mouth, tasting it. "Tell me something I don't know, then"_ _

__"Let's see"_ _

__He puts the yellow box on the cushion next to him and pulls Isak close to him, cuddling him. "I love watching you teach"_ _

__"You do?"_ _

__Even nods, stroking Isak's hair._ _

__"Sometimes when I'm supposed to pick you up after class, I get there early just so I can sit in and watch you"_ _

__"Seriously? It's usually so boring"_ _

__"It fascinates me. The teacher's so hot"_ _

__"Some classes can be quite cool, but usually that's a sentiment only a few students tend to share"_ _

__"I don't mean I go because the subject matter is particularly fascinating. It is interesting, don't get me wrong, and I do love to watch you talking about it, but I don't find it fascinating, necessarily"_ _

__"You just said-"_ _

__"I said I sneak in to watch _you_ teach, which I find fascinating. You, not the class"_ _

__"Oh. _I'm_ fascinating?"_ _

__"Oh, yeah"_ _

__"Such a good word"_ _

__"That's another thing"_ _

__"What?"_ _

__"Your love for words. How you keep track of certain words and appreciates when someone uses them in a sentence."_ _

__"The geek aspect of my personality, you mean?"_ _

__"I love that. And the way you can say them? **Woof** "_ _

___"Woof?"_ Isak repeated, laughing._ _

__"It just gets to me."_ _

__"The way I talk?"_ _

__"And certain words you say, yeah"_ _

__"That's something you like?"_ _

__"I can physically react to the way you say certain things"_ _

__"Fuck me, really? Like what?"_ _

__"I'm not gonna tell you. I've already said too much" Even says, playing hard to get._ _

__"Oh, come on, Even. Just one?"_ _

__"Only if you swear you won't quit saying it after I tell you."_ _

__"Is it a bad reaction that you have to said word?"_ _

__"No, on the contrary."_ _

__"Then why would I not say it?"_ _

__"Good point"_ _

__"Go on, then. Spill."_ _

__"When you call me _'baby'_?"_ _

__"You react physically to that word? How so?"_ _

__"I'm so going to regret this, I just know it" he says, trying not to smile._ _

__Isak does smile and also bites his lip while looking at Even, something Even really wishes he could ignore but simply cannot._ _

__"I get hard, every time" he confesses._ _

__Isak looks at him, surprised, and smiles, coyly._ _

__"Really?" he asks, utterly amused._ _

__"Every. Single. Time." Even says, slowly._ _

__"But like, depending on the situation or simply at the very mention of the word, regardless of where we may be?"_ _

__"Every single time, babe."_ _

__"You get hard whenever I say it? That's so hot, _baby_ " Isak tells him, saying it on purpose, while biting his lip once again and lowering his hand below Even's waist._ _

__Sure enough, Even was telling him the truth._ _

__"Oh my God!" he says, completely loving the fact that he could have that kind of an effect on Even simply by uttering two syllables._ _

__"Told ya" Even says, smiling back at him and raising both eyebrows, which drives Isak crazy._ _

__"One word?"_ _

__" _You_ calling me that, yeah. I don't get hard whenever someone says the word 'baby' and I'm around. I'm not sick" Even tells him._ _

__"But if we're alone watching a movie, or buying groceries, or with our friends having dinner, or even renewing your driver’s license[...]?" Isak asks him, enjoying the possibilities this information has presented._ _

__"That last one seems very specific. Is that a kink?"_ _

__"I don't know. I've never considered the fact that by saying a word I could have that effect on you. I'm probably going to have to make sure you're being sincere. You know, by testing it out once or a few dozen times?"_ _

__"When we're alone, right? Not out, renewing my license?"_ _

__"Even, how can I find out if getting you hard in public will turn me on unless I, you know, get you hard in public?"_ _

__"You say it as if you didn't already do that, constantly. Or as if you didn't know that you enjoy it. You did that earlier this week, by the way. At my mother's, no less"_ _

__"I did no such thing!" he says, pretending to be insulted, but having trouble hiding his smile._ _

__"Oh, no? The nerve" Even says, smiling back at him._ _

__"I merely tucked in your shirt for you. We were at your mom's, after all. I was being a good boyfriend, making sure you looked your best" Isak says, trying to keep a straight face._ _

__"It was a t-shirt, Isak. You didn't tuck in anything, you just softly ran your fingers from my waist down my pants" Even said._ _

__"Some people like tucking in their t-shirts, Even. Sure, it looks like shit, but I try not to judge"_ _

__"You don't judge?" he asks, laughing._ _

__"Anyway, it's different when it's a single word, isn't it? I'm just finding out a whole new way of getting you off, I'll be damned if I don't explore it. Besides, it's not like it's punishment"_ _

__"It is if we can't do anything about it. It can be torture. Like when you edge me? It's hot as hell, but eventually I just need to have you" he tells him, as Isak bites his lip and smiles._ _

__"I'll tell you what, I'll try not to say it if we're somewhere where it's impossible to follow through. How's that?"_ _

__"That's all I'm asking"_ _

__"But I can't guarantee it won't happen. I don't really notice when I say it. It's like a reflex"_ _

__"I know. It's part of why it's so hot."_ _

__"But I'll try."_ _

__"You _are_ a good boyfriend" Even says, sweetly._ _

__"Thank you, baby."_ _

__"Isak?"_ _

__"Fine, so I said it on purpose. Did it work?"_ _

__"What do you think?"_ _

__"Well, if it worked-" Isak begins to tell him, turning serious "I _think_ I can't simply ignore it now"_ _

__"I was hoping you wouldn't."_ _

__Isak leans forward and sits on Even's lap, facing him. He cups his face, kissing him slowly before pulling away._ _

__"Wanna go to bed?"_ _

__Even doesn't answer him. Instead, he puts both arms around Isak's waist and holds him tight, making sure he can get up without losing his balance or his grip._ _

__"Baby, your back" Isak says softly. But it only makes Even hold him tighter._ _

__Once they reach the bedroom Even walks over to their bed slowly, kissing Isak as he lowers him on his back, standing on top of him.  
They don’t talk. Instead, they watch each other. _ _

__Even takes off his shirt, places both palms on Isak's stomach, which makes Isak quiver. Even has the warmest hands and the softest touch, Isak thinks, over and over again as his hands run through Isak’s body._ _

__He slides his hands up over Isak's chest, pulling his t-shirt up so he can kiss Isak's stomach, before sliding his tongue up his neck and finally lying on top of him while biting his lower lip, slowly._ _

__Isak can only think how much he loves Even's weight on him. His touch being enough to make him do just about anything. He carves his fingernails on Even's back, wanting nothing but to make sure their bodies are as close as possible as Even kisses him._ _

__"Say it again" he whispers._ _

__"Don't stop. Baby, don't stop" Isak pleads._ _

__Even puts his hand on Isak's neck and kisses it, moving his lips over his skin down his body._ _

__They make love until the sunrise._ _

__******* _ _

__Even held Isak as they watched the sunrise._ _

__"Can't you call in sick?" he asked him as he stroked his hair._ _

__"I'm seriously considering it" Isak said._ _

__"You need to sleep, babe"_ _

__"Can you stay, today?"_ _

__"But I don't need any more sleep." Even says, grinning._ _

__"Exactly" Isak says, biting his lip._ _

__"What is that brilliant mind of yours working on, Valtersen?"_ _

__"I was just thinking we could both ditch work, turn off our phones and stay in bed, watching movies and having sex all day long."_ _

__"Now, that's the proper way to spend a Friday, if you ask me" Even says, smiling._ _

__They both reach for their phones and start typing._ _

__"And who knows, maybe we could extend it and spend the whole weekend inside?"_ _

__"Could I?"_ _

__"I'm serious, dumbass."_ _

__"You mean, no going out with friends every day, or having endless wedding-related conversations? Just us, all weekend?"_ _

__"Yeah. We haven't done it in, what?"_ _

__"Weeks?"_ _

__"I miss it, how needy is that?"_ _

__"I miss it, too. You think you could handle three whole days, just you and me?"_ _

__"Yes, please" Isak told him, adjusting himself in Even's arms and closing his eyes, almost dozing off._ _

__"I may just take a quick nap, first"_ _

__"It's okay."_ _

__"Don't get up, though?"_ _

__"I won't. I'm staying put."_ _

__"Good."_ _

__Even pulls the duvet over them, gently tucking Isak in._ _

__"Even?"_ _

__"Yes, babe?"_ _

__"Thanks for last night."_ _

__"You did a lot of the work. It wasn't just me."_ _

__"I know. I just felt like saying it."_ _

__"Sleep, Isak Valtersen. You'll need your strength for later."_ _

__"I'll hold you to that. If I wake up before you do, I'll wake you up."_ _

__"Promise?"_ _

__******* _ _

__Later that day Even stood in the kitchen cutting some vegetables as he prepared dinner._ _

__"I love watching you cook" Isak said as he came in and kissed Even's cheek. His hair still wet from taking a shower._ _

__"Good, 'cause I love cooking for you" Even said._ _

__Isak sits up on the counter next to where Even’s cutting the vegetables, grabs a piece of carrot and bites into it, casually._ _

__"Smells good."_ _

__"Sun-dried tomato risotto with filet mignon medallions on a honey mustard sauce and steamed vegetables" Even says, proudly._ _

__"I swear that menu had the equivalent effect on me as me saying the word _'baby'_ has on you.", Isak told him, quite honestly._ _

__"Babe, don't. I'm holding a rather sharp knife, you know. I can't get too distracted" Even says, slightly adjusting his sweatpants, which Isak notices and smiles at the sight of._ _

__"Sorry. I don't want you distracted"_ _

__"Or hard."_ _

__"Did that actually just happen?"_ _

__"Change the subject, Isak"_ _

__"I'm not going to say that word again"_ _

__"Don't stop saying the word, babe. Just don't make me ruin dinner."_ _

__"Okay, I won't talk" Isak said, taking another bite from his carrot._ _

__"You can talk. Just try not to be too sexy while you do it."_ _

__"I can't change who I am, Even" he jokes, smiling._ _

__"Talk about work or something"_ _

__"No work, remember?"_ _

__"Talk about parallel universes then, but not relating to your research. Just tell me some random facts or something. Anything to make me stop imagining having sex with you on this counter"_ _

__"Right. Let's see. Well, multiverses are populated by possible laws of physics that can emerge from possible structures of string theory, you know. Some postulate that reality at its most fundamental level consists of miniscule, one-dimensional 'strings', whose size is nearly the smallest possible, like trillions of times smaller than a proton."_ _

__"You believe that?"_ _

__"I tend to. Although lately I haven't really been focusing so much in inflation, as much as the actual implications of our big bang having been one in a series, rather than simply an isolated event."_ _

__"What could it mean?" Even asks, as he opens the pot with the risotto, takes a spoonful, blows on it and feeds it to Isak._ _

__“That’s so fucking good, Even” Isak says, making Even smile._ _

__“Go on. What could it mean?” he repeats._ _

__"I could mean anything, really. It could mean that our universe is merely experiencing a process, same as other universes that have had big bangs. It could mean someday the universe we think we know may shift and show itself to us as a completely different thing altogether"_ _

__"Ah. Possibilities" Even says, raising his eyebrows._ _

__"Possibilities" Isak repeats, smiling._ _

__"That mind of yours."_ _

__"Did it help?"_ _

__"Not really. I'm still horny."_ _

__"But you've learned something."_ _

__Even laughs. He puts the vegetables in the bamboo steamer and moves towards Isak, spreading his legs open so he can stand in as close as he can to him. Isak puts his hands over Even's shoulders and slides closer to him, locking his legs together around Even’s waist._ _

__"You're so smart, Isak" Even says, as he has his hands over either one of Isak’s thighs._ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"And so hot" he continues, running his hands up Isak’s waistline and under his t-shirt._ _

__"I thought you couldn't be distracted?" Isak asks him, looking down at his hands, curiously._ _

__"I didn't want to burn your dinner, it’s different" Even explains, leaning forward as he lifts Isak’s t-shirt just high enough so he can kiss his stomach._ _

__Isak starts to have some trouble concentrating._ _

__"How long do you think until it's ready?" Isak asks him._ _

__"Ten minutes, maybe?" he tells him, without taking his lips off of Isak’s skin._ _

__"Damn" Isak says, his breathing getting heavier._ _

__"What?" Even asks, still focused on kissing Isak's skin._ _

__"What I had in mind takes longer than ten minutes"_ _

__Even pulls away slowly and looks at him, seriously._ _

__"Oh?"_ _

__"We'll have to wait, I guess" he says, looking utterly disappointed._ _

__"We could kiss for the next ten minutes" Even suggests, putting his hands under Isak's t-shirt, around his waist and over his lower back, sliding them down his jeans._ _

__"We could" Isak tells him, biting his lip._ _

__Turns out they couldn't. Not for only ten minutes and especially not without it progressing to something more. Before they realized it, Isak was lying on his back on the kitchen table and Even was on top of him, vigorously biting his neck as they moved their hips against each other._ _

__"We should stop" Even barely said, not stopping._ _

__"Don't, baby. Don't stop" Isak begged him, almost out of breath._ _

__"But the food-" Even remembered._ _

__"Fuck the food. And fuck me, Even" Isak said as he grabbed Even's t-shirt and pulled it up, removing it before running his hands down his back and pushing his pants down._ _

__"Fuck it, we'll order in", Even says._ _

__******* _ _

__They spent their Sunday alternating between watching portions of films before eventually having it turn into a make out session/love making opportunity, and occasionally stopping to grab something to eat and drink. By nightfall they had watched almost one whole movie and eaten pretty much everything there was to eat in the apartment._ _

__They'd decided that after a quick shower they would order some takeout. Forty minutes and a blowjob later, Even ordered the pizza while Isak recovered._ _

__After placing the order, Even sat in bed next to a very happy Isak._ _

__"I'm kinda proud of us" he said._ _

__"Proud?"_ _

__"Well, yeah. Seven years on and we can still go at it like we're eighteen"_ _

__"I actually don't think we ever did this. Not like this, not for so long"_ _

__"We have, though. Haven't we?" Even says, trying to remember. "What about graduation?"_ _

__"Two days. And we attended the ceremony before going back and staying in for the third" Isak tells him._ _

__"That vacation in London?"_ _

__"A week, but we didn't have sex every day because we had that fight, remember? And we really didn't do it as many times."_ _

__"Morocco?"_ _

__"That was two months ago and yeah, I think it's the closest we've come to a record. Before now, that is."_ _

__"Are you telling me we've never spent this long having sex before?"_ _

__"I think not. Not like this, not nonstop like this."_ _

__"I'm definitely proud of us, then."_ _

__"You're not tired?"_ _

__"Somewhat. But once I eat I'll be as good as new. Are you?"_ _

__"Not really. I feel unbelievably relaxed, to be honest"_ _

__"You mean…?"_ _

__"Sure. We can go again" Isak tells him, raising his eyebrows and smiling._ _

__But this time they were interrupted, by the delivery guy with the pizza. Even went to fetch it, and Isak waited in bed for him._ _

__As they ate, Isak caught himself admiring Even and realizing that he was right. There is something to be said about a couple this happy after so many years. He'd never really thought of it before. Well, at least not in such terms._ _

__Isak had always preferred to focus on the present, having decided long ago that dwelling on the past was as fruitless as worrying about the future. However, not all thoughts regarding the future were unpleasant. Some were quite lovely, especially the ones that involved Even. Right now, as he listened to a very excited Even telling him about his idea for a film, Isak considered just how much he enjoyed spending time with Even, and how he had absolutely no doubt about the fact that he could do it for, well, for as long as he possibly could._ _

__Possibilities are lovely. Certainty, Isak thought, is rare. And he was certain about Even. Tonight, just as much as he had been for the past seven years. And he couldn't help but wonder about the next seven and if they would still be like this or, just like now, would they be better?_ _

__"So, what do you think?" Even asks him, oblivious to the fact that Isak had been thinking about him while he spoke._ _

__"Sounds awesome. What kind of aesthetic would you choose?"_ _

__Even had been obsessed with colors, lately, so Isak thought it was a fair gamble to turn the subject to that. And as he said it he just hoped that the question made sense and Even wouldn't see he had been lost in thought and mistake it for disinterest._ _

__"I think black and white, with a couple of long shots and definitely longer takes throughout. It's better in black and white. At least that's how I feel it can work"_ _

__"So, a nouvelle vague kind of thing? Like _Masculin/Féminin_?" he asked Even._ _

__"There you go. Exactly."_ _

__"Nice. I like it"_ _

__Luckily that didn’t happen. It would’ve been tricky to explain that he wasn’t paying attention to what Even was saying because he was thinking _about_ Even, Isak thought. That idea, in and on itself seemed like further proof of what he had been thinking, however. Isak was certain, to the point of being able to fantasize about the very person he was with._ _

__"I hate that it's almost Monday" Even said, realizing it was so late the streets had now gone quiet._ _

__"Me too. The real world restarts on Monday. I don't want it to. I want to stay here a bit longer"_ _

__"How much longer?"_ _

__"I don't know. As long as possible?"_ _

__"We can't though. We need to start moving this week"_ _

__"Right. At least one good thing. I just don't want to go back to talking exclusively about weddings and hurting people and tenure and shit" Isak confesses._ _

__"Hurting people?"_ _

__"Never mind. It's still officially Sunday"_ _

__"For twenty one more minutes" Even points out._ _

__"Good"_ _

__"Will you miss it? The flat?"_ _

__"Of course. So much has happened in this flat"_ _

__"The last few days alone"_ _

__"Precisely"_ _

__"But, the house? How do you feel about the house?" Even asks him, carefully, for some reason._ _

__"Moving, you mean?"_ _

__"Sure."_ _

__"I'm excited. Imagine all the memories we'll get to make there."_ _

__"So you don't think it was too impulsive of me? Or that it could maybe be too soon for us to get a house?" Even asks him, seemingly worried, which Isak didn’t understand._ _

__"Do you?"_ _

__"I'm asking you, babe"_ _

__"Honestly? It's not too soon. I don't think it is, anyway"_ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"It was impulsive. But I like that you did it."_ _

__"So I'm not imposing this on you?"_ _

__"Why are you hung up on this?" Isak asked him, honestly._ _

__"I sometimes do things and they make so much sense to me that I forget it may not really actually make sense to other people."_ _

__"So, I'm _'other people'_ now?"_ _

__"You know what I mean."_ _

__"You make sense, Even."_ _

__"Are you sure?"_ _

__"Positive. You make perfect sense."_ _

__"Good. 'Cause I really love our house" he tells him, relieved._ _

__"Me too" Isak says, smiling._ _

__"We'll take years furnishing it, but I love it" Even points out._ _

__"Shit, that's true. Our whole flat can maybe fit two rooms"_ _

__"Think of the possibilities, though"_ _

__"Let's just take our time with it, though. I mean, let's buy a few things now, just so it won't be too empty, but let's take our time filling it up"_ _

__" _'Filling it up'_?"_ _

__"Furnishing it. I was thinking of something and said it wrong"_ _

__"What were you thinking of?"_ _

__"Memory. How it's similar to our house."_ _

__"How so?"_ _

__"The place seems empty, but we'll be taking all we have with us and it'll still have so much room to fill. And every item we take with us has a memory attached to it, which means every item we add after we move in will mean another memory will attach to it and so on. So I was thinking about how big the space is for new items, for new memory. And how it'll take time to fill it, which I find kinda perfect"_ _

__"How much time will it take, you think?"_ _

__"That's up to us, isn't it? Depends on how long we plan on taking to fill it"_ _

__"What happens once we run out of rooms to fill?"_ _

__"We've finished furnishing the flat a while ago, it still hasn't stopped us from making new memory, has it? It’s not necessarily literal, baby."_ _

__"I guess. But now I'll think of that and feel the need to always add something to the house, like I'm the Winchester widow, only with furniture"_ _

__"There's always room for more, Even. There’s always time"_ _

__"How much time? That's what I want to know."_ _

__"As much as we want, I think." Isak tells him, casually._ _

__"And how much do you want?"_ _

__"Will you freak out if I say it?"_ _

__"I'll freak out if you don't, to be honest."_ _

__"All of it? I want all of it, baby."_ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"Um-huh. How about you?"_ _

__"As much as possible."_ _

__"Good. We agree." Isak says, smiling._ _

__"Do you think we'll make it?"_ _

__"Fuck yes, I think we'll make it. Don't you?"_ _

__"I sometimes fear we won't."_ _

__"What? Why?" Isak asks, surprised._ _

__Every now and then Isak would be reminded by something Even said or did that the worries and fears he felt were in fact shared by Even. It would often amaze Isak how similar their fears were, and even the ways in which they manifested. More often than not, however, it put Isak's own fears into perspective. Listening to Even telling him about a fear he shared could make Isak realize how normal it was to feel it, and just how important it can be to talk about it._ _

__The downside in realizing his fears were also Even's, however, lay in the fact that he didn't need to imagine how scary it was, for he'd experienced it first hand, he knew. And thinking about Even feeling anything remotely bad was something Isak had a very hard time dealing with._ _

__"Real world, remember? We still have seventeen minutes before it rushes back in" Even tells him._ _

__"How can I ignore this for seventeen minutes?" Isak asked him._ _

__"You don't have to ignore it. Just not discuss it."_ _

__"Shit, is this how you feel when I refuse to talk? You should punch me next time" Isak asks him, absolutely livid._ _

__"It's awful, isn't it?" Even tells him, enjoying it a bit too much._ _

__"Jesus"_ _

__"It's alright, babe."_ _

__"It isn't, though. Make time go faster? I want to talk about this"_ _

__"Time moving too fast terrifies me as well, so."_ _

__"It does?"_ _

__"For the same reason. Yes."_ _

__"Good thing it doesn't speed up, then. Time. Though we do tend to get lost in it, don't we?" Isak says, not hoping for a reply, necessarily._ _

__He tended to sometimes think out loud while with Even. Like his filter would fail him, and sometimes he’d have no control over what he wanted to say and what he meant to._ _

__"It's awful. I still think I just met you. It feels odd sometimes, thinking about how long it's been"_ _

__"I know. It doesn't feel like that long"_ _

__"Right? And it's like people sometimes wish we’d say it does, just to make them feel better"_ _

__"Fuck that. We know better."_ _

__"How can you do that, babe?"_ _

__"Do what?"_ _

__"Be so sure about something and so insecure about something else?"_ _

__"That was kinda harsh" Isak says, perplexed._ _

__"Sorry, I didn't mean it to be."_ _

__"Explain, then."_ _

__"I ask you about how long we'll be together and you answer instantly. I ask you what is it that you hated about poker night with the guys and you refuse to say."_ _

__"Magnus and Mahdi. That's why I hated poker night."_ _

__"It still doesn't answer my question. And it proves I'm right."_ _

__"I know you are. I... I think I'm sure of a lot of things, especially about things that relate to how I perceive myself and what I want or don't want. I know what it is I'm sure about and what I'm not. Only-"_ _

__"Yes?"_ _

__"Somethings, things regarding certain aspects of life that aren't exclusive to me alone can be tricky." he deflected._ _

__"If I said that to you, you'd call it."_ _

__"Bullshit?"_ _

__"Oh, yes"_ _

__"I'm sure of a lot. And I’m scared of a lot. I tend to be open about what I'm certain of, and the stuff that scares me? Some are okay to talk about, while others are maybe too messy."_ _

__"So, poker night?"_ _

__"Mags and Mahdi kept forcing an issue that I've been avoiding because it's too scary to consider."_ _

__"Why is it so scary?"_ _

__"Because I sorta repressed it? And if I decide to go there I may lose my shit and I don't want to because I don't want to be that guy."_ _

__"What guy?"_ _

__"The guy who needs to hear something he knows it's unfair to ask for. The guy who maybe isn't as good or as together as he thinks he is. The guy who doesn't want to be a cliché. **That** guy."_ _

__"You're not that guy, Isak"_ _

__"There's a very specific part of me that is. It's small, but it's there, unfortunately"_ _

__"Which part?"_ _

__"The part that can't talk about it because we still got fourteen minutes left until Monday?"_ _

__"Crap, we really should've thought this through. Fourteen minutes from now, will we just stop?"_ _

__"Stop what, baby?"_ _

__"This. Talking about all this"_ _

__"No. I don't think we should"_ _

__"Good"_ _

__"We don't, though, do we? Ignore anything that's bothering us? I mean, are we like those couples who talk about everything _except_ their problems?" Isak asked him, frankly._ _

__"No, we're not like that" Even told him, honestly._ _

__"We can't become that. I don't want to be like that."_ _

__"We won't, babe."_ _

__They fall silent for a minute, Even running his hands through Isak’s hair and Isak locking and unlocking his fingers with Even’s._ _

__"You know, I think we're going about this all wrong" Isak says, turning on his side, his back to Even._ _

__"How so?"_ _

__"We've got eleven minutes until the real world comes rushing in, and instead of enjoying it, we seem to be focusing on that fact that eleven minutes seem like not enough time"_ _

__"It isn't"_ _

__"We're wrong, though."_ _

__"We are?"_ _

__"First of all because we're dreading what comes after midnight. Like, somehow in the last three days we've escaped the reality we're in and now we'll need to go back to it"_ _

__"Right."_ _

__"We didn't though, did we? We didn't escape, we didn't do anything unlike us, anything we normally wouldn't do. We're still us, and come midnight we're still gonna be us."_ _

__"True."_ _

__"Also, instead of talking about the things we said we wouldn't, or avoiding the fact that we won't be able to spend tomorrow in bed, we should actually be enjoying these eleven minutes, because ultimately it doesn't matter how we spend it. It only matters that we live them, doesn't it?"_ _

__"How could we spend the next few minutes then?"_ _

__"I don't know. We could talk or be quiet. We could stare at the ceiling or watch TV. You could hold me and I could kiss your neck. Anything we want. Anything we need or like."_ _

__Even puts his hand on Isak's chest and slowly turns him so Isak would face him. He pulls him close, wrapping both arms around him._ _

__"What happens if we lose track of time?"_ _

__"Absolutely nothing. We'll still be us"_ _

__"Good, because I don't want to have a time limit for holding you."_ _

__"You don't?"_ _

__"No. I really don't."_ _

__"That's easy, then."_ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"Just don't let go."_ _

__******* _ _

__Isak lay on his side, alone in bed, still asleep. Even came from the bathroom and carefully got in bed next to Isak, facing him. He gently touched Isak's forehead, moving the hair from over his eyes._ _

__"Babe? You have to wake up" he said, softly, as Isak's breathing barely changed._ _

__Even then decided to switch tactics. He leaned in and kissed Isak's forehead, and when that still didn't work, his lips._ _

__"Wake up, beautiful. We forgot to set the alarm" he whispered in Isak's ear while running the back of his hand down Isak's neck, softly._ _

__Isak mumbled something inaudible as he adjusted himself a bit closer to Even._ _

__"Almost there" Even said quietly, out lout but to himself, smiling as he watched him._ _

__"What time is it? How late am I?" Isak asked, without opening his eyes._ _

__"You're not. I had to go to the bathroom and noticed we still had our phones off" he explained._ _

__"You didn't sleep?"_ _

__"I did. I just woke up before you did."_ _

__"So, that's why I'm cold" Isak said._ _

__"You are?" Even asked and readily pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him. "How's that, better?"_ _

__"Much" he said, placing both hands on Even's chest, making fists on his t-shirt and pulling it closer to him. "Can I just stay here for five minutes?"_ _

__"Absolutely."_ _

__"Thanks, baby" he said. "Shit, sorry" he amended, realizing he'd said the word _‘baby’_ inadvertently._ _

__"It's okay, babe" Even told him, grinning._ _

__"It is _morning_ " Isak noted._ _

__"Indeed."_ _

__"Although, you were already up" Isak pointed out._ _

__"But you just woke up, and you have your whole body pressed up against mine. I may be awake, but I am human" Even joked._ _

__"True" he says, smiling. "I'm so sleepy"_ _

__"Do you want me to let you sleep for a bit longer?"_ _

__"No, I shouldn't. I need to wake up. It's so good here, though"_ _

__"Do you want me to wake you up? Properly?"_ _

__"Yes, please" Isak says, smiling as Even begins to kiss him._ _

*******

_Even is looking at a number of small boxes on display at a jewelry store. He sees one he likes, a small red velvet box._

_"Can I help you, sir?" a female seller asks him, politely._

_"Maybe. I really liked this box, here" and Even points to the red box._

__

_"Um. Yes, it is pretty" she awkwardly replies._

_"Can I see it?"_

_"Sir, the boxes aren't for sale. They, um, they are part of a set?"_

_Even looks at her and notices he may have come off as a loon._

_"I know that" he smiles. "But I'd like to see it, anyway. The contents of it I'll take a look at right after, promise"_

_The girl smiles and picks up the box, handing it to him._

_Even reaches down in his jacket pocket and pulls out a silver key and tries fitting it in the box. He places the key inside and turns the box to her._

_"How does that look?"_

_"Pretty. What kind of key is it?" she asks, nicely._

_"A house key" he tells her, proudly._

_She smiles, noticing how happy he seems._

_"Is it the one?"_

_"Yes, he is" Even says, still admiring the box._

_She kindly looks at him._

_"I meant the box"_

_Even laughs, embarrassed._

_"Oh! Sorry, I thought-"_

_"It's okay" she's kind enough to reassure him._

_His phone vibrates and it's a text from Eva._

_"Please talk to him. He is really freaking out. You can't keep hiding that you got him the house or he'll end up thinking it's something else"_

_Even stares at the screen for a moment, feeling guilty._

_"Everything okay?" the girl asks him._

_"Um, yes. Yes. Let's take a look at the contents of the box" he says, trying to focus._

_"What did you have in mind?"_

_"I- I've actually never done this, so I don't know what I should get" he says, looking at the various rings she's placing in front of him, a bit overwhelmed._

_"Well, I've some experience. It helps to think of the person you're giving it to. It sounds obvious, but trust me"_

_"How so?"_

_"What kind of person is he? Think of some qualities he has, aspects of his personality. Is he introverted or extroverted? Does he like gold or silver? Or, if that's just too much, just try and match a ring with him. You have all the time you need"_

_"You're good"_

_"Thank you" she smiles._

_"Silver, I think. Something beautiful and unique. Simple and yet lovely"_

_"He sounds like a great guy" she kindly tells him._

_He smiles._

_"How about that one?" Even points to a simple silver band that could easily be mistaken for a regular ring, but which has a small pattern carved around it, similar to a constellation. "What is it supposed to be?_

_"Good choice. It's our only one. I think it's The Northern Cross? But I can't be sure" she says, as she hands him the band._

_"Perfect. That's the one, then" he admires it, fitting it on his middle finger to see if it'd fit Isak's ring finger. It would._

_"Would you like to engrave anything on the inside? A name or a date?"_

_"Can it be a symbol?"_

_"Of course. Which symbol?"_

_"Infinity?"_

__******* _ _

__**[TO BE CONTINUED]** _ _


	3. What Makes Us Us (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Jonas and Eva's wedding is less than two weeks away, Even almost misses his premiere, Sana needs help with her son and Isak is still having trouble dealing with the idea of marriage.

"Dude, where were you all weekend?" Jonas asked Isak as he gave him a beer.

"Even and I stayed in" he said, taking a sip.

"The whole weekend?"

"Since Friday, yeah” Isak replied, nodding. “We didn't work on Friday, so we turned it into a long weekend kind of thing" he then added, casually.

"Good for you" Jonas said, looking quite impressed.

"Who had a long weekend?" Mahdi asked, coming from the kitchen, Magnus in his wake.

"Isak and Even" Jonas tells him.

"Oh. Good for you, man" Mahdi said, sitting on the couch across from them.

"You didn't go out at all?" Magnus asked, not fully understanding what was going on.

As he sat next to Mahdi, it came to him, though.

"Oh, come on. Don't tell me you guys had sex all weekend?"

"Is that a bad thing?" Isak asked him, turning to Jonas and Mahdi to see if they understood Magnus' problem with that fact.

They did not, of course.

"A _long_ weekend. Technically it was three whole days of sex" Jonas corrected Magnus, raising both eyebrows and holding up his beer, as if toasting the fact. “Four, if you take Thursday evening into account, which I’m assuming is the reason why you two decided to make it a long weekend in the first place?” he added, turning to Isak.

He was right, of course.

"You gotta respect that" Mahdi mimicked Jonas, raising his bottle of beer at Isak, who smiled.

"How is that possible? You guys have been together for years" Magnus said, almost insulted.

"So?" Isak asked, not getting where he was coming from.

"So it's like, weird"

"Weird? Fuck off, dude" Isak told him.

"Not like that, but just- Seven years and you still fuck like teenagers?"

"Do you have a problem with how long of a relationship they have or the fact that they still have sex, Mags?" Jonas asked him, curious.

"I don't have a problem with any of it. But how can that be? After all this time?"

"We don't fuck like teenagers, Mags. Relax" Isak said.

"But you still spent three days doing it? How many times did you do it?" Magnus insisted, oddly curious - even for him.

"Fuck, I don't know. Why do you want to know?"

"Once a day?" he pressed.

"Who would spend three days without leaving the house for daily sex?" Jonas intervened.

“Four, if you count Thursday” Mahdi added, simply to annoy Magnus.

"Fine, twice a day?" Magnus insisted.

"Fuck, Magnus, I didn't count" Isak lied.

He knew exactly how many times he and Even had done it, not just because he was very present during it, but because all fifteen times had been quite memorable.

"It was more than that, though, right? I mean, there's a standard one must keep, Isak" Jonas said, smiling.

"Yeah, if it's anything less than three times a day it's just sad, Isak" Mahdi said.

"Oh, it was more than three times a day" Isak told them, grinning.

"Fuck me, how?" Magnus seemed confused.

" _’How’_? I don't know, man. He's hot" Isak said, quite honestly.

"Fine, but is it the same as it used to be?"

"It's actually better, to be honest. We just know how to do it better, now" Isak explained.

"Fuck off, you're lying. How can it be better after so much time?"

“I don’t know why you assume time is the enemy, here” Isak told him.

"You know, Eva and I were just talking about that, too. It's like we get to enjoy it more, lately" Jonas said to Isak, ignoring Magnus.

"You guys, too?" Magnus asked, surprised.

"What?" Jonas asked.

"You two also have constant sex?"

"Pretty much, yeah"

"They're getting married, what the fuck did you expect, Magnus?" Mahdi said.

"Even and Isak aren't. Unless you are?" Magnus asked Isak, who instantly became serious.

"Not this again, guys" Isak said, secretly wishing for Even to arrive already. 

"Astrid and I do it like, twice a week at this point. It's nice, but it's nothing like the way you guys talk about" Magnus finally confessed.

"Now, that's just sad" Mahdi said.

"It's not sad, it's perfectly normal after a while" Magnus tried defending himself.

"How _is_ Astrid, Magnus?" Isak asked him, clearly referring to the fact they were supposed to have broken up.

"Fine. We're fine. I decided to do the adult thing and just-"

"Give up?" Jonas completed his sentence, as he, Isak and Jonas exchanged looks.

" **Keep trying** , is what I meant to say" he said, clearly annoyed.

"I see" Isak said, unconvinced.

"What?"

"It has nothing to do with the fact that there's a wedding coming up and you want to have a date for it, right?" Isak asked him.

Over the years, Isak had developed with Magnus the same kind of **Bullshit Detector** Jonas had for him. And just as Isak knew he could never fully expect to bullshit Jonas, Magnus knew bullshitting Isak was pointless. Or at least he did, most of the time. Sometimes he just pretended as though Isak didn't know what he was up to, and Isak didn't even mind playing along, occasionally. That is, as long as Magnus didn't overstep a line or got too cocky for his own good.

"Please. I'm not a teenager anymore Isak, not like you and Even"

Then again, sometimes he did.

The thing is, Isak was used to Magnus' curiosity, it wasn't something that would bother him, not at all. He was even used to him being frustrated about his own love life, which was also fine. What he didn't like was when Magnus' frustrations meant him becoming borderline inappropriate or resentful. Whenever that happened, he should be able to deal with the consequences, Isak thought. 

And by _consequences_ , in this particular moment, Isak meant Vilde, of course.

"It's a shame, because Vilde is going solo" he said, regretting it the very moment he finished planting that seed.

"How do you know that?" Jonas asked him, surprised.

"I'm still a _Zilla_ " Isak said, casually.

"What the fuck is that?" Mahdi asked him.

"Don't ask"

"No, she's not" Magnus said, his jaw hanging, slightly open.

"She is, though" Isak repeated.

"She has a boyfriend. I know, because I met him a week ago"

"Who? Stephan?" Mahdi asked them.

“Ugh, Stephan” Jonas said, clearly not pleased.

"Yeah, but they broke up" Isak said.

"No, they didn't" Magnus said, obviously starting freaking out.

"They did, dude" Isak told him. 

"They did, Mags. A few days back, thank God" Jonas explained.

“I didn’t even get to meet the guy” Mahdi said, looking at Isak.

"Shit" Magnus said.

"Maybe if she had kept _trying_ " Mahdi said, laughing.

"Fuck off, Mahdi. What am I gonna do now?" he asked them, almost hyperventilating.

"I don't know. Stop behaving like a child, maybe?" Jonas said.

"I can't break up with her now. I just spent the week trying to get her to not break up with me"

"Wait, are you really into Vilde again?" Mahdi said, having some trouble believing it.

"Keep up, Mahdi" Magnus told him. “I have to talk to her" he added, looking at Isak as if wanting him to approve.

"No, you don't. You need to talk to Astrid, like you said you were going to, remember? Astrid is the one you should be thinking of right now" Isak said.

But Magnus ignored him and began to frantically text.

“I like Astrid. Don’t be like that, Mags” Mahdi said, serious.

“Like, what?” Magnus asked, feigning interest but not even looking away from his phone.

Before anyone could say anything, the doorbell rang and Jonas got up to get it. It was Even.

"Sorry I'm late" he told him, taking off his shoes and jacket, before following Jonas to the living room.

"We understand, you must be tired" Jonas joked, but Even was oblivious to it.

He lit up at the very sight of Isak, who got a little flustered himself, once Even sat next to him and kissed him hello.

"How was your day?" Even asked him, still holding the side of Isak's face.

"Lame. My night's only improving, though” Isak said, biting his lip. “Yours?" he added.

But they lose track of their flirting once Mahdi takes Magnus' phone away and throws it to Jonas. Mahdi can’t throw anything to save his life, though, so it almost hit Isak.

"What the fuck?" Isak said, mostly annoyed that he had made Even stop touching him.

"Don't do it, man" Jonas told him, seriously.

"Give it back, Jonas"

"What's going on?" Even asked them, completely confused.

"Magnus here is trying to cheat on Astrid with Vilde" Mahdi explained.

"Vilde?" he said, turning to Isak.

"It kinda just came out?" Isak said, contritely. 

"I'm not going to cheat" Magnus stated, irritated.

"Were you texting her?" Mahdi asked him.

"As a friend. A concerned friend, yes"

"Dude, not cool" Even said.

"Oh, what do you know? Not everyone is as lucky as you, Even" Magnus grumbled.

"What?" Even asked, laughing.

"He has a problem with the fact we stayed in all weekend" Isak told him, rolling his eyes.

"For sex" Mahdi corrected him, gladly.

"Why?" Even asked, honest as always.

"Because your boyfriend here lies" Magnus told him, as he pointed at Isak, who simply stared back at him.

"He does? What about?"

"He said the sex is better now than it was when you were younger"

"Oh. That’s not a lie" Even simply told him.

"Better than when you first met? Fuck off"

"Well, it was pretty awesome back then, too, don't get me wrong"

"Thank you!" a relieved Magnus loudly said.

"But now it's different" Even continued.

"How so?"

"We just know each other better. We know how to properly make it better. Like, what to do, when to do it, what to say, when to be rough and when to be gentle... And it can last so much longer now" he said, as Isak watched him, biting his lip.

"Jesus" Magnus whined.

"You asked"

"Isn't it boring?"

“Weren’t you listening? ‘Cause I was and I’m fucking jealous” Mahdi honestly said. 

"Not at all. It's hotter.” he said, glancing at Mahdi and smiling. “Right, babe?" he turned and asked Isak.

"Totally is, baby"

He did that on purpose, of course. To be fair, Isak couldn’t help it. Even talking about how great sex with him was proved to be a bit much for him. Isak saying the word _baby_ while Even talked about sex with him proved a bit much for Even, too, who pressed on Isak’s thigh, looking hopelessly surprised.

As Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas discussed it further, Even took his phone from his pocket and began to quickly type, just after crossing his legs.

“What do you mean _‘longer’_?” Mahdi curiously asked Even.

“Well, I guess when you’ve been together a while, you know certain ways of prolonging it” Even said, still typing on his phone.

“Yeah, it doesn’t necessarily mean the act **itself** lasts longer, but the whole thing. Right?” Jonas added, cautiously.

“No, the sex itself is usually long, too. That’s something that hasn’t changed much” Even simply said, rather frankly.

“Okay, now _I’m_ feeling somewhat inadequate” Jonas admitted, looking disappointed.

“The whole thing also lasts longer, though. You’re right, Jonas” Isak told him, kindly, as his phone lit up.

Even went back to paying attention to the conversation, as Isak casually checked his phone.

 _ **"You said you'd only test it out somewhere you could do something about it!"**_ Even’s text read.

 _ **"Who says I don't plan on doing something?"**_ Isak quickly responded.

"Is it the same with you and Eva?" Mahdi questioned Jonas.

"Pretty much, except the act is also longer. He's right, once you know how to use your strength it's a whole other realm that presents itself"

Even typed as he pretended to pay attention, nodding randomly, which Isak saw and enjoyed immensely.

 ** _"How do you plan on doing that, Isak? Are you going to jump me here, on this couch?"_** he texted.

 ** _”Can I jump you on the couch?!”_** Isak quickly wrote back, trying not to grin.

Even instantly looked at Isak once he got the text and mouthed the word _‘no’_ , looking quite seriously. Isak, however, simply bit his lip and proceeded to type yet another message.

 ** _"Get up and go to the bathroom"_**

"I can see that. Like real intimacy, only not the kind that's a turn off, but the opposite?"

"Exactly. I mean, it’s something we knew back then. It’s not like we didn’t. But now we get to experience it in a deeper level, kinda" Jonas said.

"Shit, I don't have that with Astrid" Magnus admitted, quite sadly.

 ** _"You're insane, Valtersen"_** Even wrote Isak, who bit his lip again while reading it – something Jonas noticed but pretended not to.

 ** _"Get the fuck up and go to the bathroom, Even Bech Næsheim!"_** Isak wrote, clearly having fun.

Even looked at Isak for a moment, and then glanced casually at the guys, before standing up.

"Where are you going, baby?" Isak asked a confounded Even.

He looked horrified, turning bright red and awkwardly trying to stand up straight. 

"Damn knee" he tried to lie. "I'm- I’m just going to the bathroom" 

Isak watched him, absolutely entertained.

The guys barely noticed anything. They were too busy trying to understand Magnus.

"Would it be too shitty to break up with her tonight?" Magnus asked Jonas.

"I don't know, Mags. Shittier than wanting to do it simply because your ex is single again?" Jonas asked him.

"I need to call work. I'll be right back" Isak casually said.

"What kind of emergency could they possibly be having?" Magnus asked him.

That was the moment Isak stopped feeling bad about telling him about Vilde.

"'Help, a new concept of Good!'" Mahdi teased.

"I never said it was a philosophy related issue, did I? I need to call the lab because of the new data on multiverse eternal inflation that's being presented at the Astronomical Symposium next week is yet to be reviewed and I forgot to tell the new intern" Isak replied, terribly smug for someone who had just invented a Symposium.

Jonas quietly laughed, as if enjoying the expression of utter ignorance that took over Mahdi's and Magnus' faces.

"Shit, I forget you do actual work there, too" Magnus said, probably meaning it as compliment and coming off as an absolute ass, Isak thought.

Isak was going to reply, only his phone lit up and he was sure it was Even, so he decided against it. He had other priorities other than debating the relevance of the history of philosophy, after all.

"I need to call the **lab** " Isak said, this time slowly, as he got up and went to the bathroom after Even.

While on his way, he made sure to make a mental note as to text the intern at the lab because, as it turned out, he did need to let him know about the data review.

As they resumed arguing, Isak knocked on the bathroom door and a nervous Even opened.

"You're nuts, Valtersen!" Even whispered, looking around to see if anyone had followed Isak.

"Relax, no one noticed anything" he stated, closing the door behind him and walking over to Even, who backed up as Isak got closer, still unsure as to how good of an idea that was.

"Yeah, but they'll notice we're gone" he said, still whispering, finally reaching the wall and stopping.

"I say we have a good ten minutes before they do" Isak said, placing his hands on Even’s jeans, as he started to unbutton it. “And you don’t have to whisper, we’re the only ones here”

Even quickly stopped him, putting his hands on top of Isak's.

"Babe, seriously. We can't have sex here"

"It's not like we haven't done it before" Isak told him, casually unzipping Even’s fly.

"Sure. Drunk, or while there was a party going on. Not sober, after work, with our friends still thinking we’re part of the conversation they’re having."

"Sex with me is better when you're drunk? Really?" Isak asked, maliciously, as he tried his best to look insulted.

"What? Of course not" Even told him, instinctively taking his hands off of Isak's and cupping his face so he would look up at him.

"Come here, then" Isak said, raising both eyebrows and going back to focus on Even’s pants.

"We can't, babe" Even said, hopelessly.

"Seriously, Even, while we're talking it over, we're down to like, eight minutes"

Before Even could respond, Isak had already lowered his jeans. As he was getting on his knees, however, Even made him stop.

"Oh, fuck it. If we only have eight minutes we're doing this right" Even said, as a happy Isak bit his lip while smiling, watching as Even hastily opened Isak's shirt and, almost in a one single move, unbuttoned, unzipped and pulled his pants down. 

He began biting into Isak's neck as he lifted him up, turning him around as to have Isak’s back pressed up against the wall, making him wrap his legs around Even's waist before being able to slide inside him. As he did, he had his mouth to Isak’s chest, but Isak started getting loud, so Even began to kiss him as they moved, in perfect synch. 

Isak was absolutely certain that if Even hadn't kissed him the whole time, he wouldn't have been able to stay quiet. 

After twenty-five minutes, Isak went back to the living room, followed by Even a couple of minutes later.

"How was the call?" Mahdi asked Isak, smiling.

"Good. Productive" Isak said, looking away.

"You're not working over the weekend again, are you?" an innocent Magnus asked him, as Even came back and sat down next to Isak.

"I only hope you guys didn't forget to clean it up in there" Jonas said, casually.

Even turned bright red, instantly. Isak, however, decided that bluffing his way through it would probably work.

"Clean what up?" he asked, cynically. 

"Did, um, did Vilde write back, Magnus?" Even said, trying so hard not to confess.

"Nah. Should I write her again, you think?"

"Don't. Come on, Magnus, don't be this lame" Mahdi told him.

"I only say it because Eva's been sorta into recording us, lately. And this morning we took a shower together, but I forgot to take down the camera. It’s hooked up to the TV here, in the living room" Jonas said, as seriously as he could, pointing at the television on the wall.

" **What!?** " Even asked, horrified.

Isak forgot Jonas could always out bluff him, if the occasion called for it. And to be fair, it called for it, Isak conceded.

Jonas and Mahdi started to laugh while Magnus focused on typing something on his phone.

"I told you!" Jonas said, handing out his palm to Mahdi who, in turn, placed some money on it.

"You guys bet that we were having sex?" Isak asked, appalled.

"We can focus on the bet. We can focus on the terms of the bet. We can even discuss what you and Even did to bring about the bet. Or, we can all just move on and order a pizza with the money I just made from the bet. What'll it be, man?" Jonas asked Isak, smiling.

"I could eat" Isak was quick to say.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought” Jonas said, picking up his phone to place the order.

"Wait, there was no camera in that bathroom, right?" asked a still not convinced Even.

"No camera, dude. Only hormones, apparently" Mahdi said. 

“What are we betting?" Magnus said, clueless as ever.

"And you really think you're capable of deceiving two women? Mahdi asked him, rhetorically, and to the amusement of the lot. 

**\\\**

Later that night, Isak lay in bed, with Even holding him.

“I can’t believe you forced me to have sex” Even said.

“’Forced’ you?” Isak said, pretending to be insulted. “I didn’t force you to do anything”

“Oh, but you did. I feel so used” Even said, trying to keep a straight face.

“You didn’t feel as though you weren’t into it. You certainly didn’t move as though you weren’t into it” 

“Well’

“You felt good, by the way”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, yeah”

“It was nice"

"Ugh" Isak complained.

"Sorry, _'hot'_. It was hot. I forgot you hate the word _'nice'_ " Even corrected himself. "How can you hate such a normal, constantly used word?"

"Because it's a bad word"

"How is it a bad word?"

"Because. _Nice_ is just another way of saying something is _average_ or _median_ "

"But it's common"

"My point exactly"

"No, I mean it's a very common word. There's no real escaping it, is there?"

"No, but one can try, and I do"

Even smiled as he ran his hand through Isak's hair.

"Tell me another one"

"Another bad word?"

"Uh-huh"

" _Frenzy_ "

"What's wrong with _frenzy_?" he asked, laughing.

"Doesn't feel right. It's too stifling"

"What about a good one?"

" _Unbounded_ "

"That's a good one"

"I think so, too"

"You're such a nerd, Valtersen"

Isak thought of protesting, if only to hear Even's laugh again, but he said it with such warmth it made him lose focus. 

"Do you think Jonas minded?"

"Please. The things he and Eva have done in _our_ apartment? What we did tonight doesn't even come close" 

They both smiled, going silent for a beat.

"Even?" he asked him, quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, babe."

"Does it bother you I don't want to get married?"

"No. Not really, not anymore"

"So, it did?"

"A little"

"Can I ask why?"

"I just- I used to want it, you know? But you never did, so that was that".

"How do you mean?"

"Well, it took me a while to get why you were so against it, you know? I mean, I've always known _why_ you weren't into it. I just didn't get it"

"Go on"

"See. I never really associated it with my own parents, like you do. I guess it didn't affect me as much. And the politics of it? That doesn't really factor in, either"

"How can it not?"

"Does it matter, though?"

"Of course it matters"

"Why?"

"Because I want to understand it. And I don't want to take anything away from you. Not anything of significance"

"I'm cool with it now, Isak. Relax"

"That just makes me even more nervous, actually"

"Why?" Even asked him, laughing.

"If it used to be so important to you and now it isn't, I'm either to blame or I'm the reason you've lost interest" Isak said, seriously.

"I love how your mind works, babe" Even said, stroking Isak's hair.

Isak pressed his hand on Even’s chest, as if making a fist.

"I'm serious. Did I spoil it for you?"

"You're asking the wrong questions, babe"

"Which are the right ones, then?"

" _’Why did I want to marry you’_ " is one.

"Why did you? You know it doesn't change anything"

"I do?"

"Please. It changes nothing" he said, dismissively.

"Okay"

"You think it does?"

"You analyze it to exhaustion, which is kind of your thing. I'm just different. I don't think of it in the same terms as you do"

"Then explain it to me"

"Marrying you isn't about ownership or convention. Nor is it for other people, you know? The way you always said people only did it to show off, or did it **for** others?"

"Yeah"

"When I thought of it, I didn't think about those things. I didn't even think of it having other people witness it. Not really, anyway"

"You didn’t?"

"No. I just liked the idea of saying those words, making those vows. Calling you _husband_ and telling you how much you mean to me and how much you matter. I thought of _us_ , because to me that's what it'd be all about: you and me"

Isak got a weird feeling on the pit of his stomach once he heard Even say the word ‘husband’, which he did his best to ignore.

"And you don't want to do it, anymore?"

" _You_ don't, so I'm good"

"Oh"

"What?"

"Am I taking it from you? Is it something you truly want?"

"I used to. With you. I don't feel bad about it or anything. I'd never even considered it before-"

"Yes?"

"Before you"

"Well, of course you didn't, you were eighteen when we met"

"I don't mean it like that. I mean I'd only marry **you** "

"Why _only_?"

"I've got my reasons" he said, coyly.

"Come on. Tell me" Isak insisted.

As he said it, he turned over on his stomach, resting his head on Even’ torso so he’d be able to face him.

"Why do you want to know this? _'It changes nothing'_ , right?"

"I just need to be sure"

"Be sure of what?"

"That it's not something we're not going to do and it'll grow and fester and spread and be our undoing"

"Jesus, babe"

"I just don't want this to be underestimated, by either of us"

"We won't end because of this, Isak"

"How do you know? You don't know"

"We've survived worse. We'll be fine"

"That's not good enough"

"What is?"

"You being honest as to the extent to which you need this"

"I don't need it. I wanted it, there's a difference"

"And it's okay to not have it?"

"I don't mind it. Not really. As long as I have you. I don't need marriage, but I do need you"

"Well, you got me" Isak said, kissing his chest.

"Then we're good. Then I’m fine"

"I guess"

"How can you not be convinced?" Even asked him, smiling.

"I am. I just-"

"Go on, babe. What is it that don't you get?"

Isak sat up, crossing his legs. Even watched him and put his hand on Isak’s knee.

"When did you start wanting it?"

"The first time I thought of it, you mean? Or the first time I considered doing something about it?"

"Holy shit, Even, you’ve considered doing something about it?"

"Which is it, Valtersen?" Even asked.

"I don't know? Both?"

"I thought of it on our first year" he simply stated.

“Of college, right? Our first year of college?”

“I’m afraid not. I thought of it our first year of dating”

"Fuck, Even" Isak said, lowering his head slowly to reach Even’s chest, while Even ran his fingers through Isak’s hair, smiling.

"And, well. I considered doing something about it a couple of years after that"

"How many years later?" he said, looking up but not moving his head from Even’s chest.

"Doesn't matter. It matters that I’ve considered it"

"With me?"

"No, with Vilde. Yes, you" 

"Why, though?"

Every time Isak asked him why, Even would look at him as though it was this stupid question. It was beginning to bother him, because as cute as it was of Even, to him, there was nothing stupid about it - nor obvious. 

"Why marriage?"

"No, me. Why only me, as you said?"

"Because it’s you, Isak"

When he heard him, Isak turned around and adjusted himself on Even’s arms again. Partly because he couldn’t seem to look Even in the eyes, suddenly. Also, he just felt like he needed to be held.

After a beat, he began to run his hand over Even’s stomach, in a circle.

"What if we break up?” he asked, quite terrified. 

_What if you leave?_ was what he really wanted to know, but couldn’t bring himself to ask.

"Where is this coming from?"

"Odds, Even. It's mathematical. Odds are we may not make it, not indefinitely"

"This isn't math, Isak. We're not math"

"I know, but it is a possibility"

"I would only marry you, babe" Even said, simply, kissing Isak’s head.

"You seem so sure"

He did, and it terrified Isak.

"I am sure. And I don't need math"

**\\\**

"Isak, have you seen my jacket?" Even shouted, practically from inside the wardrobe while Isak was still in the shower, unable to hear him.

He nervously went through every hanger thrice and called out to Isak just as many times before deciding his jacket was probably not inside the wardrobe. Or, maybe he was going blind. Both were probable, given the fact Even had been developing all kinds of new health related problems these last few days, ranging from palpitations to blurry eyesight, all of which Isak attributed to his nerves and how close the premiere was. Even knew better, though, and he kept saying so to a patient Isak.

He knew better. Not enough to go see a doctor, but he was sure it was due to his age and how he was twenty six and that meant he was a dinosaur in terms of the business he was in and, well, if you don't make it in your twenties you just won't make it at all, he kept explaining it to Isak, whenever the subject came up.  
Not excessively, at least he didn’t seem to think so. Just a few dozen times a day. He couldn't help it, and Isak knew it. He'd been feeling so old lately and the pressure regarding the reception of his film was really taking its toll. He tried acting cool around Isak, but he could never seem to completely avoid the subject, seeing as Isak seemed to all but read his mind every now and again - he told him so more than once.

"Babe? I beg of you" he yelled, lying in bed, covering his face with both hands, frustrated beyond belief.

"What?" Isak shouted from inside the bathroom. 

He had just finished showering and was drying off when he heard Even's muffled voice.

"My tux? I can't find the jacket" he yelled, without removing his hands from over his face, which only caused him to become harder to understand.

He couldn't see that Isak had entered the bedroom and was holding Even's jacket in one hand, while he held up his towel around his waist with the other.

"Here. You left it hanging behind the bathroom door" Isak said, calmly, while he placed the jacket on the edge of the bed.

Even looked up at him and smiled, as if he'd been saved.

" _Now I remember_ " he said, relieved. “There’s something wrong with my memory, Isak”

“There’s nothing wrong with your memory, Even.” Isak told him, calmly.

He remained with eyes fixed on Isak, who stared back at him as if waiting for him to say something.

"Can I go back to drying off, now? I don't want us to be late" 

Suddenly, Even seemed calm. He didn't seem to really care nor remember that the premiere was that night. 

"Even?"

He didn't say anything. He simply reached out his hand towards Isak and smiled.

"Are you high? The premiere is in two hours" Isak said.

"But you look so nice" he told him, almost pleading.

“I’m not dressed yet, Even”

“Exactly” he said, raising both eyebrows.

"Baby, we don't have time for this"

"Are you really going to reject me on the night of my premiere?" he asked.

"Do you really want to be late for your premiere because of sex?"

“Is that even a serious question?” he asked, and even Isak agreed, it probably wasn’t.

He didn’t, however, want to make it so Even would be late on his account. 

"Even-“

"We'll be quick" he suggested.

"Why have quick sex on the night of your premiere?"

"What's wrong with quick sex?"

"It's an important night for you, Even. You don't get to have quick sex"

"I don't, do I?" he said, painfully realizing he wasn’t being able to convince Isak.

"No" Isak told him, seriously.

Isak then walked over slowly to him, getting in bed and sitting on top of him, which made Even experience those palpitations again. 

"You get to have mind-blowing, long-lasting, unbelievable sex” he said, as he got comfortable sitting on Even. “Once we get back home" he added, so slowly Even looked like he could almost take him, then and there.

Isak took some pleasure in teasing him. Having Even look at him as if he were unable to control himself was something Isak absolutely adored. 

To be fair, it was killing him having to deny Even. Isak loved it when Even was horny, mainly because he would get this expression on his face that he was completely unaware of, one that made him look so adorable and so very kissable - Isak had serious trouble resisting.

Also, his ears. Whenever Even got aroused, truly aroused, his ears would betray him by turning pink. Right now, they looked so very pink, Isak noticed.

"I do?"

"Fuck, yes. You'll want to make twenty one movies and have twenty one premieres after I'm done with you tonight"

"Promise?"

"I don't lie, Even" Isak said, biting his lip as he placed the hand that was holding up his towel on Even's hip.

Even looked up at him, slowly going from his eyes to his waist, which was now uncovered.

"You're killing me, Valtersen"

“I’m going to finish getting ready” Isak said, before giving Even a quick kiss and going back to the bathroom.

**\\\**

Even really seemed comfortable on that red carpet, Isak kept thinking, as he watched him talk to the press. His film had been selected to open the Independent Film Festival in Oslo, which meant there was a lot of press and a lot of attention, something Isak was thrilled about, because it meant people would get to see how brilliant Even was.

Even was so adorably nervous, and whenever Isak had to stay behind so he could talk to some reporter, he'd look around constantly to make sure Isak was still within his range, still with him. 

At one point, when his nerves seemed to be about to get the best of him, however, he didn't think twice. He turned around, called Isak over and grabbed his hand, pulling him close and not letting go until they were inside.

Once inside the screening room and in their seats, and as the movie was about to start, Even turned to Isak, looking terrified.

"What if it's awful?" he whispered.

"It's not going to be awful. It's going to be brilliant" Isak told him, honestly.

"You have to say that, you're too kind not to. But these people? These people judge every detail, Isak. They'll boo it if it's crap. Oh, god, what if it's crap and it gets booed?" he said, looking desperate.

"First of all, I don't _have_ to say it. Second, it won't get booed, not a chance in hell" he said, calmly.

"What if it does? What if they don't find it funny when it's supposed to be? Or sad when it's supposed to be? What if they find the sad bits funny and the funny bits just sad? My God Isak, what if the film is just as bipolar as I am?!"

"If that happens it'll be because the people watching it are shit, not the film and especially not the director. The director is fucking brilliant and has worked so hard to make an awesome film that means something. People will respond, there's no way not to, Even"

"Jesus, I want to leave. I can't watch this" he seemed to not hear a word Isak's saying, which began to make Isak nervous because there was about two minutes to go before the movie started.

"Baby?"

Even looked up at him, pale as paper.

"Look at me, then. Watch me. You know I can't hide it if I hate a movie. If I hate it, it shows, right?"

"Yes, you're incredibly transparent when it comes to that" Even said, slightly resentful.

"Then watch me as I watch it and you'll be able to know for sure, regardless of how people react"

"I just-" he starts to say something but freezes.

The light had dimmed and the screen changed color.

"Breathe, Even" Isak said as he took hold of his hand.

Even closed his eyes and Isak watched him, part of him finding it awful to see him so distressed, but another part just finding him cute as hell.

Of course it wasn’t going to be bad. It's Even's film. It was going to be lovely.

But he couldn’t calm down.

"I can't. I have to get out of here. I can't" he said, getting up quickly and walking out.

Isak immediately followed Even, brushing into some of the people who were sitting, waiting for the movie to begin.

**\\\**

He found Even pacing back and forth outside the theater, nervously.

"Even-" Isak began to say before being interrupted.

"I'm sorry, babe. I can't do this. I can't stay inside. I can just wait here, it's perfectly alright. Hitchcock used to do it, you know. He used to stand outside by the door to the movie theater and listen in. I can do that, it worked for him" he told Isak, speaking faster than usual.

Isak simply stood there, quietly paying attention to every word Even said.

"Okay" he said, calmly.

"Okay?" Even repeated, rather surprised.

"Sure. We can stay out here"

"You don't have to, though. You can go in"

"I'm good. I'll keep you company" he told him.

Even stood there, looking at Isak for a moment. Isak could almost hear all the millions of thoughts that were going on his head, all at once. 

Finally, he took a deep breath.

"What if it fails, Isak? What if everyone hates it and thinks it's shit?" Even said quietly, almost as if he was sharing a dark, horrible secret.

"It's not shit, Even" he told him, confident.

"You can't know that. You don't know that, Isak"

"I kinda do. Besides, I know the director. I know it can’t be shit."

"I'm serious, babe"

"So am I. And I saw the rough cut, it was fine"

“The final cut is different, though. The final cut might be pure shit. I just-“ he said, looking around and lowering his voice to make sure no one would hear him. “I'm terrified, Isak"

“It won’t be shit, Even” Isak told him again, truthfully.

“If only you knew how terrifying you telling me that is” he says, immediately looking down.

“How is it terrifying?

“You can’t be sure. You’re the one always going on about odds and possibilities, you know there’s no way of knowing it’s not bad until people get to see it” he said, serious as ever. “It’s possible it’s bad, Isak. It’s possible it’s really, really bad” he concluded.

“As much as I like that you pay attention when I talk about these things, you’re forgetting something” 

“What?”

“Variables. Based on them, you can calculate how likely it is that the film is shit”

“Which variables? How?”

“For example, the fact that I know you, and how that means I know what you're capable of. How brilliant you are"

"Look-"

"And no, this isn't me being biased. As much as I'd love to be all romantic and be telling you how awesome you are just so you’d feel better, right now I'm speaking purely based on fact, not feeling"

"Even so, Isak"

"I can calculate there's at least a 73% chance your film is good. That means there's only 27% chance it's shit. 17% if you factor in the rough cut as an indicative. And based on that, you should be able to at least get some perspective"

It wasn’t a _proper_ lie, not exactly. The reasoning was sound, only the math may have been a bit off. Not because the odds could be somehow inverted, but simply because Even seemed to be dangerously close to hyperventilating, and instead of doing the math, Isak could somehow only concentrate on how helpless Even looked. 

“I don’t know, Isak” he said, rather unconvinced.

“It’s math, Even”

"How can you be so calm?"

"I trust you, that's all"

"Don't say that. _God_ "

"Why not?"

"What if I'm a fraud, Isak? You can't ignore it forever"

"Hold up, _what?_ " Isak asked him, beginning to realize he was probably not going to be able to stay chill during this conversation, either.

"You can't keep thinking I'm brilliant, not when we're about to have proof that it's simply not the case" he said, pointing at the door.

"This proves nothing, Even. The film can be a flop and I'll still think you're brilliant because you fucking are, not because I give two shits about what some people may think about a film you spent years working on” he said, and he couldn’t help but not raise his voice a bit. 

“But, Isak-“

“You should be proud of the work you've done and trust that it's enough, because, guess what? It fucking is. You don't get to change my mind about this, Even"

"I'm telling you I'm scared I may have totally screwed up and all you can say is you trust me and I'm brilliant?"

"I can't tell you otherwise because I'm not going to lie to you, Even" Isak said, telling himself that the previous _untruth_ had been absolutely necessary, and also making a mental note as to run the numbers once he got the chance, if only to confirm it.

They both looked at each other for a moment.

"Ugh, talk about something" Even finally said, nervously.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Anything not movie related. Tell me about parallel universes" he said, pacing.

"Now?"

"On second thought, maybe something I'll understand more easily? Anything. Anything at all, just tell me something so I can be distracted"

Isak took a second before speaking.

“I didn't get tenure" he told him, casually.

Even stopped pacing, looking concerned. His face changed, like a switch had been flipped. He went from looking desperate to looking worried in the blink of an eye.

"What? No. When did you find out?" he said, taking a step closer to Isak.

"This morning, before class" Isak told him, totally chill.

"Who got it?"

"Christof"

"That bastard"

Isak smiled, appreciating the sentiment.

"I knew he would, though, I told you. It's alright"

"When can you try again?” Even asked, taking a step closer to Isak and cupping his face. “That sucks, babe"

"I'm automatically considered for next year's. I'm fine with it, really"

"You'll get it next year, then" Even said, kindly.

"Yeah, maybe"

Isak put his hands on Even’s chest, who in turn put his hands over Isak’s.

"Why didn't you tell me when you found out?"

"This is your big night, Even. You've been too anxious; I didn't think there was any need to add to it."

"It isn't adding anything. It's... You should've told me, Isak" he said, quite serious.

"I know. I was going to. Just not tonight"

"We're not like this. You tell me these things, we don't keep stuff like this in, and you know that" and as he said it, he took a step back.

"It doesn't really matter all that much, though. Not as much as this"

"Yes _'as much as this'_. You come before this, Isak."

"Okay"

"Okay?" Even repeated, taking a deep breath.

"Do you want to sit?"

"No. I'm too hyper. I need this to be a hit"

"You don't know that it won’t be. Why do you _need_ it to be?"

"I'm getting old, Isak. If it doesn't happen now, if it fails? No one will let me direct again"

"Old? You're twenty fucking six, Even"

"But if this doesn't work what can I do? Change professions? I can't do anything else. I don't want to do anything else"

"You won't have to"

"You don't know that, babe. And I spent all our money and you didn't get tenured"

"So?"

"So, what if I don't work for a while? I was supposed to be able to make it easier, make sure we didn't have to worry about that"

Isak tried so hard to hide a smile.

"Are you gonna say you have to provide?" he asked Even, trying not to laugh, but finding the whole idea utterly ridiculous.

"Not _provide_ \- It's not funny, Isak" he told him, rather insulted.

"Sorry, it's cute, but it kinda is funny."

"It's not like that, but yes, I want to be able to make sure we can be okay like that. Why is that wrong?"

"Even, you don't get to do that alone. You don't _need_ to do that alone"

"I can still want to"

"Sure, but there's no need"

"How can you be so relaxed, Isak?" he says, nervously, almost annoyed Isak isn’t sharing his despair.

"Because, it's not something I think we need to worry about just now"

Even made a noise similar to a sigh, only more pained, much more frustrated.

"Even, we don't need to think about any of this yet"

"But what if it happens? What if we need to? You don’t like thinking ahead, but one of us has to"

"First of all, what the fuck? Second, if it gets to that, we'll talk about it and we'll work something out. We'll be okay, Even" he tried to reassure him.

"How can you know that? I'm talking about no money, Isak. What if we go broke?"

"We'll work. I'll get another job and you'll get a second one as well, and we'll figure it out"

"Sure, you'll work even more hours and I'll flip burgers and we'll never see each other"

"We'll still be okay. Besides, I like burgers"

"Don’t joke, Isak" Even said, almost crossed.

"Even, I don't care if we live in a palace or a fucking studio. I love that you bought me our pool, but the house? As much as I think it’s awesome, it's just a house. If we need to, we'll sell it to finance your next project and move to a motel, I don't fucking care"

"And lose our pool"

"It isn't what makes us **us** , Even. The pool is perfect, but it matters because of the memory we share of it. As beautiful as it is that we get to own it, at the end of the day it's just a pool. If we can't keep it, the memory of what happened in it will still be ours. And whether we live in our house or a cheap motel room, it'll still be wonderful, because we'll still get to make new memories and share our lives, wherever we are. I don't care about _stuff_ , Even"

But Even had stopped pacing. As Isak spoke, Even was suddenly calm, watching him attentively. 

"What makes us us?" he asked him.

"No pool or house, I can assure you" Isak was quick to reply.

"What makes us us, Isak?" he repeated, extremely serious.

But they were interrupted before Isak could answer him. A woman came out the screening room along with a female friend, talking casually about the characters as they walked between Isak and Even, heading to the bathroom.

"Are they walking out?" Even asks Isak.

"If they are, they're going the wrong way" he says, pointing to the bathroom sign.

They both watched the two until they disappeared. 

"We should go back in"

"It's okay if you want to stay out here"

"But I think I'm ready to go in"

"Are you sure?"

"You see, maybe it'll be a hit, maybe it'll be a flop. But, it is my first premiere and the only thing that matters is that _you’re_ here. I don't know how it'll turn out, babe, but right now? Right now, I just want to take you to the movies"

"Well, now that sounds a bit more like you. Which is good, because I'm dying to see this film on the big screen"

As Isak turned to open the door to the theater, Even grabbed him by the hand.

"I'm sorry, Isak" he said, and the way he looked at Isak was so honest.

"For what?"

"Tonight? All of it? This was supposed to be fun. It was supposed to be different. I know it isn't exactly how you wanted to spend your birthday"  
Isak looked at him as if he’d just said something utterly absurd.

"Even, this is exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday" he told him, calmly.

"With me having a breakdown outside a movie theater?"

"No.” he simply said. “Spending time with you, just us. That's all I wanted for my birthday" he added.

“What about your friends?”

“I see my friends all the time, Even.”

“You see me every day, babe”

“Yeah, but I get to kiss your neck” Isak said, biting his lip.

“True.” Even said, smiling.

“I don’t care where or how I spend this day, or any other day, for that matter”

“You don’t?”

“I really don’t. I care about whether or not I get to spend it with you. _That_ , I care about.”

“You know, it is _your_ birthday. I should be the one telling _you_ stuff like that”

“You tell me things like that all the time, Even”

“Yeah, but is it enough?”

“Enough?”

“For you to be convinced? For you to actually believe that I mean what I say to you? Because I do, Isak.”

“I believe you, baby”

“That’s actually one of my biggest fears, you know? That I somehow can’t make it clear enough, or show it properly? The thought of you not understanding how much you matter? It’s scary as hell”

“You think I don’t understand it?”

“I hope you do. It’s just scary to think maybe I don’t do it right”

“You do it right, Even”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, yeah. You do it right”

Even leaned in and kissed Isak, softly.

"Shall we?" Isak asked him, as he opened the door.

There was laughter coming from the inside. Even barely noticed it, he was too busy focusing on Isak.

Isak took his hand and led the way back to their seats.

For the most part, Even avoided looking at the crowd. Preferring to look at Isak and only sometimes turning his attention to the screen. Once the credits rolled and the lights were turned back on, people started clapping enthusiastically. Some of them even stood up to give the film and its director a standing ovation.

Isak was the first to stand up.

**\\\**

They decided to walk home. It wasn't late, but Even insisted in stopping by the house to get his projector so they'd be able to watch Isak's cut later in the weekend. It was a cold night, but neither Isak nor Even seemed to be bothered by it. They walked slowly and talked the entire way, occasionally stopping for a kiss, usually after Isak had a question about the movie, which he did only to make sure Even knew he'd liked it.

Once they turned on their street, however, Isak noticed the house had its lights on.

"Fuck, someone broke in. Who does that?"

"Er, we do?"

"I'm serious, Even. Call the police" he told him.

"No babe, I probably left the lights on, it’s no big deal"

"You? When?"

"Don't worry. Trust me. Let's go in"

Isak did worry, but said nothing. He merely stood behind Even as he unlocked the door, ready to charge up and scare the shit out of whoever had thought breaking in was a good idea.

Once inside, Isak could immediately recognize the smell of Even's cooking, which was odd, given the fact he'd been with Even for the better part of the day, Isak thought.

"Follow me" Even told him as he walked to the dining room.

The dining room was completely furnished. A large wooden table in the middle of the room was set for two, and had a candle burning at its center. There were six chairs around it, black and white photography hanging on the walls. It was like something out of a cataloge, and it made no sense to Isak.

"What the fuck?" was all Isak could verbalize.

"So, I asked the guys to help me with heating up the food I made for your birthday so that we'd have our first actual meal in our house. Once the girls heard of it, they thought our first meal at the new house should be a proper one, so they decided the dining room should look like a real dining room" Even explained, proudly.

"You made me dinner?" a perplexed Isak asked him, still looking around.

"Why are you so surprised? I always make you dinner"

"You could barely find your shoe today, Even. How did you pull off dinner?"

"I cooked it while you were in class. Well, pre-cooked it, really. Then, I had Sana go by the flat and bring it here, and Jonas made sure it was all in the oven by the time we got back"

"I can't believe this” Isak said, looking around. “And the furniture?"

"That was Eva. Last night when we were leaving her place I gave her my credit card. Then today she came, along with Magnus, Mahdi and Chris to set it all up"

"Holy shit"

"I know we said we'd do it slowly, you know, the furnishing? But they wanted to help and, well, there are a lot of other rooms for us to fill up"

"Are you kidding me? This is the perfect memory, Even"

"So, you like it?"

"I like it. I fucking love it"

"Yeah? Good, ‘cause I made you your favorite"

"You're unbelievable, Even"

“I keep telling you” Even said, smugly as he walked to the kitchen.

“Can we watch your movie after dinner?” Isak asked, following him.

“We can do anything you want, babe”

Isak smiled, watching as Even worked the kitchen as if he’d been used to it. As if it had been their kitchen, their house, for years.

“Twenty minutes” Even said, randomly.

“What?”

“We need to wait twenty minutes before we can eat”

“Oh. Well-” Isak began to say, already biting his lip.

“Don’t even think about it, babe. Last time we thought we could be quick we ended up having nothing to eat”

“I wouldn’t say no one ate anything that time, exactly”

Even smiled.

“You know what I mean”

“Besides, we had ten minutes, not twenty. I can work with twenty”

“You can?”

“Uh-huh”

“But you said quick sex was out of the question, tonight”

“I did. I don’t want quick sex” he said, shaking his head and biting his lip.

“Then, what do you have in mind?”

“No quick sex. But, a long kiss?”

“A twenty minute kiss?” Even asked, smiling.

“That’s what I’m suggesting, yes”

“I like that”

As he said it, Even walked to Isak, who was standing with his back to the kitchen counter. He leaned in, slowly, and stood an inch from him. Even ran the back of his hand from Isak’s own hand all the way up his arm and neck, and when his hand touched Isak’s face, Isak tilted his head as if to lean on it, closing his eyes. 

Even smiled, finally kissing him, gently, before pulling him by the waist and taking him in his arms.

This time, they did it. For a little over twenty minutes, Even kissed Isak, stopping only once or twice, and just so they could look at one another.

**\\\**

“How was dinner?” Sana asked Isak while they waited for their coffee, early morning, the very next day.

“It was awesome” he told her, smiling. “Thanks for helping him” Isak added. 

“It was nothing. He did everything, all we had to do was follow his lead. What about the premiere, how did it go?”

“It was great. People seemed to really like the film”

“Good, I was so nervous” she said, relieved.

“I wasn’t.” he said, truthfully, never having doubted how well the movie was going to turn out. 

“Even must be happy”

The waiter walked over and served them both.

“I’ve never seen him sleep so much. I’m just glad he got to finally relax. He didn’t even see me leave the house this morning, I left him sleeping – which never happens, since he always wakes up before I do.”

“Well, now that his anxiety is under control, do you think you guys could maybe do me a favor?”

“Sure. What do you need?” he asked, sipping his cappuccino. 

“I have to sort some things out with Yousef, but I don’t want to do that around Isak. I don’t want to be one of those parents who fights in front of their kid, you know?” 

Isak did know, of course, having basically just heard her describe his childhood as something she wished to avoid.

“Fight?” he asked her.

“We’re having some problems and I just need to talk to him, that’s all. Anyway, I was hoping I could maybe have Isak stay with you and Even, that way I’ll be able to yell as much as I want without having to worry about him”

“You want Isak to spend the night?”

“Yes, if that’s alright”

“Of course it’s alright, Sana. We love the little guy”

“So, you’ll take him?”

“Absolutely”

“Thanks, Isak”

“No problem” he said, smiling at her. “Do you want to talk about what’s going on with Yousef?” he added, casually.

“I will, I just want to talk to him first. Is that okay?”

“Anything you need, bud”

“Where do I drop him off? The house or the flat?” she asked. “You know, you two have to move in already, it’s getting ridiculous”

“I know. We are, though, right after the wedding” he said. “What time?”

“Around 4 p.m.?”

“Sure. I’ll be at the University, so I think it’s easier, and closer actually, if you drop Isak off there”

“That’s fine. I’ve never seen your class, anyway”

“Cool”

“It’s good that you’re taking him, ‘cause you and Even could use the practice” she said, grinning.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Isak asked her.

“Not like _that_. I mean with Isak. You two are his godparents, after all”

“Oh. Right” Isak said, relieved.

“Honestly, Isak. If I wanted to say you two are bound to have children I’d say it, not dance around it. I’m not Noora” Sana said, rolling her eyes.

“Well, it did sorta sound like that”

“It isn’t what I meant. Interesting that your mind went there, though.”

“Don’t analyze me, Sana”

“Oh, but I do. I only tend not to share my diagnosis”

**\\\**

The class was full, as usual. While Isak wrote on the board, his back to the class, Sana walked in, holding little Isak and standing by the door as she watched him. Once he turned around, he saw Sana.

“Guys, give me two minutes, okay? I’ll be right back” he said, walking over to meet Sana and Isak.

“Uncle Isak!” 

“Hey, bud!” Isak said, taking him from Sana and hugging him.

Most of the class seemed busy copying what Isak had written on the board, but quite a few made sure to pay attention to him as he spoke to Sana.

“Thanks again for doing this, Isak” Sana said, noticing how happy both Isaks looked.

“My pleasure, bud.” he said, focused on Isak and the toy car he was holding.

“I brought his stroller, which I left in your office, along with his medication – he’s just gotten over a cold. Also, I made a list with his usual schedule. You don’t need to follow it exactly, I only made it so you’d have something to base it on. Aside from that, call me if you and Even start freaking out.” she explained, calmly.

“You seem way too chill about us taking care of this tiny thing, here” Isak told her, biting into Isak’s hand, making him giggle.

“Show me two more responsible people than you and Even, ‘cause I haven’t met any” she simply said, kindly, which made Isak a bit uncomfortable because she usually didn’t do _‘kind’_ \- at least not so obviously.

She kissed little Isak goodbye, smiling so wide it made Isak smile at her, which she noticed. She then turned to Isak, kissing him as well, casually, as if a habit - which it wasn’t. Not while they were both sober, anyways.

“Don’t kill my son, Isak” she told him.

Now _that_ sounded like her, Isak thought.

“You got it, bud” Isak said, smiling.

He turned around and started to walk over to the front of the class, holding little Isak in his arms, before turning around and facing his students. Sana was walking walk out, but stopped once she saw Even walking in. They both started talking, quietly, sitting in two empty seats in the back row, while Isak spoke to his students. Isak didn’t notice that Even had arrived, nor did he see that Sana had stayed behind.

“Alright, guys, I want you to meet Isak here” he said, glancing at Isak and then back to face his students. “Say _‘Hi’_ , Isak” he told him.

“Hi uncle Isak!” he said, loudly and happily, making everyone laugh – including Sana and Even.

“As you guys can see, it can be a bit confusing having the same name, but what can I say? His mom loves me” he joked.

Even smiled and looked at Sana, who had rolled her eyes but kept on watching them, interested.

“Anyway, my two year old friend here is gonna help me out today. Isn’t that right, bud?” Isak asked him, as little Isak nodded and pretended to drive his toy car over Isak’s shoulder and chest, as if it were a racing track.

Isak turned around, moved his desk with his leg so it’d be up against the wall and under the board, and then put little Isak down on top of it. He took his blue pen and handed it to little Isak.

“Do you remember the word I taught you?” he asked him, softly. “Go ahead. Try writing it, as big as you can. Right there” he told him, pointing at the board, while the whole class paid undivided attention.

Little Isak stood up and started to slowly draw on the board. Isak smiled, than leaned on the desk so he’d be able to hold little Isak up while he drew, and started to talk to the class.

“You see, I’ve been thinking. We have three weeks left before finals, and I want to do something different this semester. For those of you who plan on taking my class next term, we’ll be focusing a lot on Bergson and other contemporary philosophers, such as Heidegger here” he said, pointing at what he had written on the board when Sana had arrived. 

Everyone kept looking attentively at him, and he still hadn’t noticed Sana was still there, let alone that Even was there also.

“We’ve debated quite a bit the notion of anguish, fear, care and-” he turned to little Isak before spelling out the word _death_ so he wouldn’t hear, to which they all smiled. 

“But, next term we will focus on one single notion, and that is-” he turned to little Isak again and took him in his arms, revealing what he’d written, which were the letters **I-F-I-I-T-I** , but Isak simply turned to them and said, proudly “Infinity! Good work, bud” to which they all smiled.

Sana looked extremely proud, as did Even. Each proud of a different _Isak._

“See, as much as I need you all to know all these theories and the whole of the history of philosophy, I can’t help but feel we all need _more_. I don’t think you guys are here simply because you need to know every comma Heidegger ever wrote, nor any other particular philosopher. I hope, in fact, that you guys feel the desire to become proper thinkers, with everything the term entails.” he said, walking from one side of the room to the other, slowly.

“So, to that end, I will not be teaching this class next week. I’ll be here, but only in an advisory capacity.” he concluded.

As everyone seemed a bit curious as to what Isak was proposing, Sana and Even looked at him, extremely focused.

“As Isak here so perfectly wrote” he said, looking at him and then back at the class, smiling. “I want you all to focus on this one notion. The notion of infinity.” he added.

“How, professor?” a student raised his hand and asked him.

“I want you to write an essay about it, about infinity. Not just any essay, mind you. It cannot be an essay about what someone else has written on the subject. What I mean by this is, you can write about Descartes’ concept or Heidegger’s take on it if you’d like, but it cannot be about their views. I want each of you to sit down and do what is expected from any philosopher: **think**. Think about what infinity means, to you and everyone else, and formulate your own theory. Tell me what can be found in infinity, if anything at all. Explain how it is possible for someone to get a glimpse of it. Think” he said, as everyone was extremely quiet, paying attention.

“We all have our own views, and that’s what I want from you, _your_ view.”

Another student raised her hand.

“Our view?” she asked him.

“Yes, Anna. I want you to formulate a theory about infinity, methodically explaining to me what you think infinity is and proposes. To me, for instance, there are a few possibilities. I see infinity as something we can get glimpses of, never fully experiencing it, simply because _everything_ lies in it. In other words, I can get a glimmer of infinity over a number of different things, but I can never fully experience it, because to do so would mean reaching a certain level of consciousness we simply cannot achieve yet. Yes, Carol?”

“Such as what?”

“The fact we exist, for one. How can you account for it? Or thought. Why do we think? Is thought infinite? What is it that explains it?”

They all look at him, carefully.

“Has no one here ever felt like they had witnessed it? In any capacity?”

He searches the room but no one volunteers.

“Has any of you ever fallen in love?” he said, deciding to change his approach.

This time, most of the class raised their hand, while looking around to see who had their hands up as well.

“See, now that’s not possible”, he said, making them all laugh.

“Has any of you ever been in love? Properly in love, as in feeling like you were home or that whenever you were with that one person, you could simply _understand it_?”

“Understand it’, professor?” Anna repeated, curiously.

“Infinity.” he said, and all hands went back down.

“Oh, but you must. I highly recommend it” he joked, only he meant it.

“How is it possible?” Anna asked him.

“Sometimes you can be with someone and simply by that proximity you get this kind of awareness, you see? Like a high, almost. It dawns on you that you are _there_ , more so than usual. Or how they make you feel as if… well, as if you were, in fact, infinite. Think of it in terms of _cogito ergo sum_ " he said, trying to make himself understood.

“You’re talking about a theory, right? Theoretically, that’s how one can see or experience infinity?” Oliver, another student, asked him.

“Not necessarily, no. I’ve had this myself. I theorize about it, but I can say that I have, in fact, felt like I was infinite before”

“When?” Anna asked him.

“How?” another student jumped in.

Before he knew it, they were all talking among each other, debating the idea that love could somehow lead to infinity.

Even and Sana watched, interested and somewhat happy to see Isak speak. Even, especially, could not seem to take his eyes off of him, something Sana kept noticing whenever she glanced at him.

“Guys, it doesn’t matter my personal experience in the matter” he tells them, realizing he had overshared.

“Come on, professor. You can’t not explain it now”

There really wasn’t a way in which he could simply ignore them, he thought. Not without being an ass.

“You’ve all seen that good-looking guy that comes to class, now and then?” he began to tell them.

Sana almost laughed, not believing what he was about to do. She looked at Even and he looked surprised, albeit it rather confused.

“You mean your husband? That hot blonde?” Anna asked him, smiling.

Isak regretted it instantly. Now even his students were going to make him talk about marriage, what were the fucking odds? And why did so many of them seem to think he and Even were married? 

He did agree about him being a hot blonde, however. That part was spot on, he thought.

Meanwhile, Even leaned forward on his seat, folding both hands together and placing them over his mouth, elbows on either knee. He seemed unbelievably interested.

“Hot, blonde boyfriend, yes” he corrected her. “You’ve all seen him, I suppose? Well, with him, I have found myself consciously noticing that I’m able to experience infinity, if only for a moment.”

Sana looked at Even, who didn’t move a muscle. The students all looked at Isak, some smiling and others curiously serious, interested.

“How?” Oliver asked. “How do you get to feel that?”

“Oh my God, has none of you ever felt anything like that? What is going on?” he asked, and they all laughed. “Has no one ever felt infinite, if only for a moment, and because of someone else? Has no one here ever felt like the one they were with could very well may be what infinity is all about?” he insisted. 

This time, he saw a hand go up, with only one more student raising theirs, moments later.

He recognized the first hand that went up, for it wore a watch he had picked out himself, last Christmas. Even was the first to raise his hand. Fuck, Even was there and was raising his hand and now Isak felt like he might as well be naked and sixteen years old, he was so embarrassed and had absolutely nowhere to hide.

“You’re talking about a metaphysical transcendence of sorts, right?” the student who had also raised his hand asked him, bless his heart.

“Am I? I’m not here to give you guys the answers. I want you to stop and formulate your own theories. Next week I’ll be in my office and whoever wants some guidance can find me there. And you all have my email and phone, so we can talk through there, also. The week after that is when the essay is to be handed in” he said, desperate to wrap up this class.

“What if we don’t have a hot, blonde, infinite boyfriend?” Anna asked him, kindly.

Apparently they won’t let him, he thought.

“Then, consider the possibilities. It doesn’t have to necessarily be regarding love. That was just an example”  
All he could think was how much he needed to stop talking about love and Even and infinity, while Even was right there, for fuck sake.

“But infinity and love are kinda the same, right?” Oliver asked. “Like, isn’t that why you get to feel like you’ve experienced it with your husband? Because of your love for him?”

 **Boyfriend!** Isak screamed inside his head. He would never kill himself in front of a child, he also pondered, before answering him.

“Love is somewhat subjective. In the sense that you can claim to have felt it more than once, but with different levels of both certainty and intensity” he explains. “Infinity has no subjectivity to it, otherwise it wouldn’t be infinite, for it would have an equal or even degrees to which it could be experienced” he completed.

“Is that what you believe?” Anna asked him. “That it is subjective?”

“Its subjectivity has nothing to do with love itself. It is something you can claim, once you realize infinity is what makes all the rest subjective. If everything else is subjective and there is no equivalent to infinity, than yes, love can be thought of as subjective” he explained to a class full of faces that clearly seemed to have some trouble with the words he had just uttered.

Everyone was silent, but no one seemed to fully understand.

“There is a question you guys can ask me right now, that can completely disrupt the idea I just presented to you. Can anyone tell me what it is?”

He looked around and no one said a word. 

“You said you felt infinite _because_ of love, and yet you say love can be subjective? How can that be?” Even said, making them all turn and realize the hot boyfriend had been listening in all along. They turned to look at Isak, who simply smiled.

“Exactly, baby” he said, adding the word _'baby'_ out of sheer reflex, without realizing it, making them all smile - including Even and Sana.

“So it’s a paradox?” Oliver asked him.

“Maybe. If you think love is indeed subjective. The alternative being that it isn’t, in which case the question would go back to being ‘How?’”

“Do you think it is? Without falling in a paradox?” a student asked.

“No, I don’t” Isak simply said, glancing at Even, quickly. “Love is love, it has no subjectivity to it.”

“How can it not be a paradox then?”

“That’s what you guys are going to tell me. In three weeks, when you hand me your essays” he says, smiling. “Until then, _think_. See you next week”

And everyone seemed frustrated and yet excited, discussing with one another their own thoughts as they gathered their belongings and got up to leave.

Isak put little Isak down, letting him walk around the class, as Even walked down the steps of the amphitheater-like classroom towards them, after Sana whispered something in his ear and left.

“Uncle Even!” little Isak said, loudly, as he ran to Even, who picked him up and gave him a kiss.

Isak watched them, smiling, without realizing half the students did the same.

“Hey babe” Even said, winking at Isak and smiling.

“Hey, you” he said, before kissing him hello. 

“That was one inspired class” he told him.

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely. Even Sana liked it. She had to go meet Yousef, so she told me to say, and I quote: _‘You’re not a bad teacher’_ ” he told him. “That’s like _‘I love you’_ in _‘sana’_ ” he added, smiling.

“You really liked it?” Isak asked him, curious.

“I did. And I understood some of it, which was a first. I liked it” he said, putting little Isak on his shoulders.

Isak loved when Even said things twice. It made him feel warm, for some reason.

“You did. But then again, of course you did” Isak said, smiling.

“Ready to go?”

“Absolutely” he told him. “How about you, little bud?” he asked little Isak.

“Can I have soda?” he asked Isak, and Even laughed, putting him down.

“Of course you can. Which one would you like?” he asked him, taking him by the hand and walking alongside Even out of the classroom. 

“Wait a second. Does your mom let you drink soda, Isak?” Even asks him.

“No.” he tells him, looking back at Isak, who smiles.

“Well, in our house you’ll always be able to have all the soda you want, little bud”

“Isak!” Even says, almost scolding him.

“Yes?” both Isaks ask Even, who had no alternative but to laugh.

**\\\**

Little Isak was finally asleep, and Even carefully closed the bedroom door and headed to the kitchen, where Isak did the dishes.

“Okay, no more sugar. I thought he’d never quiet down” he told Isak, as he placed the baby monitor on the counter and grabbed a towel, beginning to dry the plates.

“I’ll spoil him and there’s nothing you can do about it” Isak told him, handing him a glass.

“He is pretty awesome”

“Isn’t he? And so bright” 

“I think it has to do with the name. Maybe all Isaks are geniuses.” he told him, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know about that, but him? Definitely” Isak said, rather proudly.

“I feel eighty, though” Even confessed, sounding tired, and Isak couldn’t help but laugh.

“Imagine how you’ll feel when he’s seven. I remember when I was seven, I’m pretty sure I didn’t sleep the whole time. I just ran around, breaking things”

Even looked at him and smiled.

“Breaking things?”

“I was a bit clumsy” he told him, closing the faucet and turning to face him.

“You were?” Even asked him, as he dried the last of the glasses.

“It was almost like a talent. I’d break things that should never even break in the first place” he told him, kissing his neck, gently before pulling away.

“Like what?” Even asked him, breaking eye contact and looking down, casually unbuttoning his pants.

“I broke a rug, once” he said, pulling Even’s t-shit up, slowly.

“How can someone break a rug?”

“Turns out, _I_ can”

“No, really, how can someone break a rug?” he asked, interested.

“Well, the _normal_ way to do it is by folding it and letting it sit like that for days or months on end. That way when you unfold it, the fabric will have given in, having been broken”

“And the _Valtersen_ way?”

“It’s similar, as it happens, but quicker. It consists in trying to use it to pretend it is a flying rug, rolling both ends and jumping up and down on top of it for hours” he told him.

"Your parents must’ve been thrilled”

“Oh, by the time I was seven they were pretty much broken themselves. Although, I doubt either one appreciated the irony”

“Sorry, babe”

“What for?”

“Doesn’t sound like something a kid should notice”

“Well, that was another one of my ‘talents’”

“Noticing things?”

“Uh-huh. Especially tension. Or sadness, I was great at noticing _that_ ”

“Jesus, babe”

“It’s fine, Even.”

“It isn’t, though”

“Come” Isak said, grabbing the baby monitor and taking Even’s hand, leading the way to their bedroom.

**\\\**

He made Even sit on the edge of the bed and slowly climbed on top of him, sitting on his lap, looking at him in a way that made Even lose focus.

“Isak-“

“Yes, baby?” Isak said, while he took off his shirt and unbuttoned Even’s slowly, opening it and putting his hands squarely on his chest.

Even put his hands on Isak’s waist and ran them over his skin and down his waist, pulling Isak closer to him so he could kiss him.

His lips felt so good, Isak called out Even’s name, rather enthusiastically, but Even pulled away.

“We shouldn’t be doing this, should we?” he asked, only to find a confused Isak looking back at him.

“Why, exactly?”

“You know” Even said, looking at the baby monitor next to them on the bed.

“You think people with kids don’t have sex?”

“Of course they do-“

“I hate to break it to you, but your parents? They probably did when you were Isak’s age. After that, too” Isak said, running the back of his hand up and down Even’s stomach,  
slowly.

“I know that, babe”

“Parents have sex, Even”

“Yes, I am aware, I remember walking in on mine when I was young, which is actually my point. What if he walks in on us?”

“He’s two, baby. With the amount of time he spent running around, he’ll be out ‘til morning”

“But what if he isn’t? You kept giving him sweets and junk food, maybe he’ll wake up and want to start running again”

“That’s why we have the baby monitor, so we can hear if he wakes up or needs anything”

“Not if we’re having sex, we won’t”

“Do you go deaf when we have sex, baby?”

“No, but I tend to focus on other things, rather than the background”

“Which things?” he asked him, biting his lip.

“I’m serious, babe. I don’t want to scar him for life. He’s so innocent”

“I can’t believe you’re trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to have sex. What are you, catholic?” Isak said, pulling away as much as he could without falling on his back. 

“There’s a baby in the next room” Even said, as he put both hands on Isak’s waist and pulled him back close to him.

“Exactly. He isn’t here, in this room. In this room, this very separate room, you’re saying _‘no’_ to the chance of being inside your boyfriend for the next few hours”

“Don’t say stuff like _that_ , it’s not like I don’t want to do that all night long”

“The least you could do is stop being so fucking hard, then. It’s confusing, not to mention mean”

“I can’t help it now, can I? Not when you say stuff like _that_. Besides, you’re also hard, and it’s also very distracting”

“Of course I am, but I’m willing to take care of it this instant” he said. “And _I_ can’t help it, either. Not when you’re like _this_ ” he added, looking at him, up and down.

“Like what?”

“All pretty and fucking perfect. I can’t concentrate, Even.”

“Seriously?”

“Oh, what? Like you don’t know” Isak said, sounding disappointed.

“Don’t be mad, babe”

“I’m not mad, Even. I’m horny”

“So am I”

“Yes, I can feel that”

“Let’s talk about something that’ll make us both not be so horny”

“We’ve been talking about walking in on our parents and babies and that hasn’t worked. Frankly, I’m beginning to think we may have a problem”

“Finding you hot isn’t a problem, Isak”

“Neither is liking how _this_ feels” he said, moving his hip forward and back, slowly, just to make Even suffer.

“Jesus, Isak, you’ve no idea how hard it is for me to say _‘no’_ right now”

“Well, I kinda do” he said, before leaning in and kissing Even, and then pulling away and getting up, opening the door they’d left ajar.

Even just fell back on the bed, frustrated beyond belief.

“Do you want to sleep?” Isak asked him as he took off his clothes.

“Definitely not. You?” 

“No. I’m not even tired”

Even adjusted himself on the bed, moving further up to sit with his back on the headboard. 

“Damn, you look so good” he says, almost with longing in his voice, looking at Isak undressing, as he was down to his boxer briefs.

“You know what would look good on me, Even?”

“Don’t, babe. I’m only human” he said, hopelessly.

“Alright, alright. I won’t say it” he said, finally smiling.

Isak walked over to the bed, lying down next to Even, before turning on his side and facing him.

“What?” Even asked.

“Nothing.”

“Still mad?”

“I’m not mad, Even. I get it. It is weird thinking of having sex while a two year old is in the flat”

“Right? How does Sana and Yousef do it?”

“How does anyone?”

“Beats me”

Even took Isak’s hand on to his and began to lock and unlock their fingers together.

“They’re having problems, her and Yousef”

“They are?”

“Uh-huh. She said she wanted to be able to fight without having to worry about Isak hearing them”

“That’s nice. Well, not the fighting. You know what I mean”

“That’s Sana. It’s good that she doesn’t let him see that, though. The fighting”

“It is.”

They fell quiet for a beat. Even stroking Isak’s hair, slowly.

“Hey”

“What?”

“Come here” Even said, stretching one arm out so Isak could scoot over and he could hold him.

As he did, Isak grabbed onto Even’s shirt, same as always, and made a fist, as if somehow wanting to be sure they were close enough. It was one of those things he did out of habit, almost like reflex. Even loved it. Every time he did that, Even smiled.

“So, I gotta ask” Even said.

“What?”

“When have you felt it?”

“Felt what?”

“How was it that you called it? _A glimpse of infinity_?”

“Oh, that.”

“Yes, that. When do you feel it?”

“When you hold me, usually.”

“You mean like this?”

“Kinda. There’s always a moment, something you say or do that it’s like, _it_ ”

“For me it’s when you look at me” he said, smiling.

And there it was. He said it and at the same time gently pressed Isak’s arm, softly. He thought of letting him know, telling him _‘look, you just did it again’_. Instead, Isak chose to simply feel it.

“Like, when?”

“It’s always when you look at me. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m **here** , you know? Like you see it, all of it”

“ _’All of it?_ ’”

“Me. All of me”

“That sounds kinda awesome”

“It is.”

**\\\**

Isak lay on his stomach in bed, alone, still asleep, when Even opened the door and entered the room quietly. He held a breakfast tray and had a small, two year old Isak in his wake.

Even walked over to the window and opened the curtains, letting the sunlight turn Isak’s hair blonder. He put the tray on the nightstand and sat carefully next to him, placing one hand on his back while leaning in to kiss the base of his neck.

“Wake up, beautiful” he said softly.

Little Isak waited for him to wake up, and when he didn’t he jumped on the bed, sitting on Even’s pillow and tapping Isak’s head repeatedly.

“Wake up, uncle Isak. Wake up!” he said, excitedly.

Isak moved and turned around, barely opening his eyes before starting to speak.

“I’m up. I’m awake” he said, a bit startled and disoriented.

Even kept his hand on Isak, now touching his side, gently, up and down.

“What is this?” Isak asked Even, trying to adjust his eyes to the light.

“We made breakfast!” two year old Isak said, happily.

“You did?” Isak asked him, yawning and sitting up.

“He wanted to make you breakfast and bring it to you in bed” Even explained to a confused-looking Isak, as he took the tray from the nightstand and placed it on Isak’s lap.

“This looks awesome” Isak said, trying his best to seem excited as he looked at all the food.

There was toast, some orange juice and biscuits - but no coffee.

Isak rarely had any breakfast. He usually only had coffee, sometimes had some fruit - but only because Even would insist. 

“I made toast” little Isak told him, as he and Even watched him.

“You did? Well, I’ll eat that first, then” Isak said, managing a smile he hoped looked sincere – it was the best he could do having just woken up.

Isak took the toast and glanced back at Even. He couldn’t tell what was on that slice of bread. He couldn’t really tell it _was_ bread, as a matter of fact. He could tell, however, little Isak seemed quite proud of the fact he had made him toast.

“He chose the ingredients himself” Even told Isak, smiling, yet widening his eyes a bit, as if to warn him.

“Oh, good” Isak simply said, before biting into it.

It tasted exactly how it looked, Isak thought. Just as undefined. 

“This is so tasty” he told little Isak, chewing in slow motion while doing his very best to look like he was enjoying it, whatever _it_ was. “What’s in it?” he asked him.

“Everything” little Isak said, watching Isak chew, proudly.

“Even?” Isak said, almost begging.

“Tell him, kid” Even told little Isak.

“Jelly, peanut butter, cheese, corn flakes and onions” little Isak told him.

“Do you like it?” Even quickly asked, seemingly enjoying the situation a bit too much, as far as Isak was concerned.

“Corn flakes and onions? How could I not?” Isak repeated, having some trouble swallowing. “I was wondering why the crunch” he completed, resigned, but trying to looked pleased.

“Unfortunately, we ran out of cardamom” Even said, winking at Isak.

“This is almost as good as any of my cooking” Isak said.

Even smiled. Fortunately, little Isak couldn’t know that what Isak had just said was the farthest thing from a compliment.

“Well, we should go get you dressed, kid. Your mom will be here any minute” Even told him. “Go brush your teeth, I’ll be right there” he added.

And off he went, jumping every two steps.

Isak made sure to watch him go, so he’d be sure.

“Oh my fucking God, what in a literal fuck was _that_ , Even?” Isak asked Even, before drinking the whole glass of orange juice in one gulp.

“He insisted in making it himself” Even said, kindly.

“Onions?” he said, incredulously.

“You were lucky” Even said as he removed the tray from Isak’s lap. “Mine was bacon chocolate and cheese flavored. And he waited for me to eat the whole thing” he continued, defeated.

“We are so nice to him, why would he want to poison us like that?”

Isak smiled, as Even got up and started walking out the room.

“I’ll be back in a second. Don’t move” he told him.

Isak waited, lying back down and stretching.

A couple of minutes later Even walked back in the bedroom, holding Isak’s coffee cup and a small plate with another toast on it. 

“Here you go” he said, handing both to Isak and kissing his forehead. “I used that cheese you like, so try to take a couple of bites, at least”

And he quickly turned around and walked away before Isak could say _‘thank you’_ , so he ate the whole thing, figuring it would make him happy.

**\\\**

When the doorbell rang Even and little Isak were playing with some toy cars on the living room floor.

Isak came from the bedroom and answered the door. It was Sana.

Little Isak got up and ran to her, excited.

“Was he any trouble?” she asked them, picking him up.

“Not at all. We had a blast” Even said, walking over and standing next to Isak.

“Good. Well, we should get going, Isak here has a playdate at the park.” 

She kissed Even and thanked him, and did the same to Isak.

“Why do you smell like onions?” she asked him, curious.

“Isak made me breakfast” he said, sadly.

**\\\**

Almost the second he closed the door, Even turned to Isak and kissed him, pulling him close by the waistline of his sweatpants.

“Do you want a ride to work? I got the day off” he asked Isak, in between kisses.

“Sure. That way we can leave a half an hour later than I would have to if I took the tram. Which means-“

But Isak lost his focus, as Even had begun kissing his neck and was slowly lowering his hands from Isak’s lower back, under his sweatpants.

“Yes?” he asked him, without stopping.

“I had forty minutes to get ready for work, but if you take me, that means I get to have an hour and ten minutes” he explained, never having made such a conscious effort to speak before. 

_Fucking take me_ was all he could think of saying.

“Any idea as to what we can do for an hour and ten minutes?”

Isak looked at him and bit his lip. He then took Even’s hand, turned around and walked to the bathroom.

**\\\**

While in the shower, they kissed and said nothing to each other for at least twenty minutes. 

Isak loved it when they did that. There was something he found extremely erotic about spending long periods of time simply watching each other, not saying a word. Even would usually get such an intense look in his eyes that was enough to get Isak to do just about anything.

“Even” he said, as Even kissed the back of his neck and was pulling his head back.

“Yes?” 

“What?” Isak asked him, still kissing his neck.

“What do you mean _‘what’_? You just said my name”

“I just needed to say it. I fucking love your name”

Even smiled and wrapped both arms around him, locking his fingers together over Isak’s stomach.

“Closer” Isak said, softly.

Even did as he said and pulled Isak closer to him. 

“Closer, Even” Isak repeated, pressing his back against Even’s body.

Even held him even tighter.

“Closer, baby” he said, one more time, almost breathless.

“I don’t think we can get any closer, babe” Even told him, gently.

“You’re still not close enough” he told him, moving his hand so as to reach around Even’s lower back, pulling his hip as he pressed his own onto his.

Even had Isak take a step forward, making it so he would be pinned between the wall and Even. Isak placed both palms on the wall and Even put each hand on Isak’s, locking fingers and holding them up as he slowly began to slide inside him, getting closer and closer, making Isak quiver as he did.

**\\\**

_Even and Jonas had decided to hang out, seeing as they both had the day off and Eva and Isak were spending the day together, dress shopping. They spent the afternoon watching a Bergman marathon, drinking and smoking._

_Autumn Sonata was on._

_"I bought him a ring" Even confessed to Jonas._

_"What? When? An engagement ring?" Jonas asked, smiling, but in shock._

_"I'm not going to give it to him, but yes, I bought it a few months ago"_

_"Why would you buy it if you weren't planning on giving it to him?"_

_"I wanted a box to put the key to the house, but the store I found wouldn't sell just the box, so I bought the ring"_

_"Oh"_

_It was painfully obvious to Even how much what he said had sounded like utter bullshit. Jonas, however, was too kind to point that out._

_"Only, now I can't stop thinking about the fact I bought him a ring, and all I want to do is give it to him"_

_"I didn't know you were thinking about it. I mean, I know you must've thought of it, but I didn't know you were, lately"_

_"I think about it from time to time. I just never act on it because he doesn't like the idea of it" Even tried to explain._

_"And you're cool with that?" Jonas asked him._

_"Sure. Doesn't mean I can't still consider it, though"_

_"Funny thing is, I think it would be good for you guys. Marriage" he said, quite honestly._

_"How so?"_

_"I don't know. Some people are just perfect for it, I guess"_

_"I hardly think one of the two people involved loathing it would mean it was the right thing to do"_

_"He doesn't loathe it"_

_"Have you ever brought it up?"_

_"Sure, we've talked about it"_

_"So you know how he gets. And how it always escalates, it’s horrible"_

_"Well-"_

_"It’s horrible, Jonas" Even repeated._

_Jonas laughed and Even smiled, both knowing it was true. For whatever reason, Isak would always end up getting upset._

_"Still, I don't think he loathes it. I actually don't think he knows why exactly it is he doesn't like to consider it. At least, he's never told me the reason why"_

_"He hasn't?"_

_"Not the real reason. I mean, he's given a bunch, but I just think the real reason isn't something he tells anyone"_

_"What do you think it could be, then?"_

_Jonas thinks on it for a moment before answering him._

_"Honestly? I think it has something to do with you"_

_Even was glad he didn't lie, but still. That hurt like a motherfucker._

_"Yeah. Me too" he agreed, quietly._

_"Not like that, though" Jonas tried to comfort him, realizing how it must have sounded._

_Even doesn't say anything. He simply keeps looking down. He’s always felt as though Isak’s problem with marriage was more of a problem with marrying Even, rather than anything else. It was one of those thoughts he would rarely entertain, only it was there, hidden away._

_"Not like that, Even. I don't think it has anything to do with how he feels about you" Jonas insisted._

_"It must have, though"_

_"Look, I shouldn't have said anything. I don't even know how serious you are about this ring. You two just got a house, things are going great... I really didn't mean to put some idea in your head, something you'd have trouble not thinking about"_

_"It's fine, Jonas. It's not like you lied. And it's not like I don't agree" he told him, honestly._

_"How serious are you? About the ring?"_

_"Like I said, I'm cool with not marrying him. Only, I'm not, you know?"_

_"He'd probably tell you it changes nothing"_

_"He'd be right"_

_"But you still would like to?"_

_"It's Isak, Jonas. I'd be insane not to want to"_

_"He is pretty awesome" Jonas says, smiling._

_"I just need to stop thinking about it. We need to move in to the house, already. He keeps packing and I’ve been afraid he'll find it, so I've been walking around with the ring in my pocket for weeks. I need to be able to hide it and forget about the fact that I have it"_

_"You have it on you? Let me see!" he said, excitedly._

_Even takes a plaid handkerchief from his pocket, unfolds it on the palm of his hand reveling the silver band, holding it up so Jonas can take it._

_Jonas carefully takes the ring, noting the infinity symbol on the inside, and then admiring the carved pattern on it._

_"This is beautiful, Even" he said while inspecting it._

_Even didn't say anything, he just looked at the movie, not quite seeing it._

_"Damn, it's really nice"_

_Jonas stops admiring it, holding it on his palm, and then closing his hand. He looks at Even, who's been looking straight ahead, almost frozen._

_"You should give it to him. Someday"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Dude, I'm about to marry Eva and even I wouldn't say ‘no’" Jonas joked._

_They both laugh as Jonas gives Even back the ring. Carefully, as if it could break._

_“What are these? Stars?” Jonas says, pointing at the ring which was now on Even’s hand._

_“Yeah, it’s the Northern Cross”_

_“Northern Cross?”_

_“Yeah, it’s this constellation. There’s actually a cool story behind it.”_

_“The ring has the universe carved in it? Dude, this has to belong to Isak”_

_Even doesn’t reply. He merely stares at the ring, smiling, ever so._

_"Do you think it's because I'm bipolar?" he asks Jonas, serious._

_"What? No way" Jonas tells him, honestly._

_"It could be"_

_"No, it couldn't. You've been together for ages, Even. I'm sure he wouldn't have stayed all this time if you being bipolar was something he had any problem with"_

_"It's different, though"_

_"It isn't. Trust me"_

_"So, you know this?"_

_"I kinda do. Yes"_

_"How?"_

_"He's talked about it. It's not like the subject hasn't come up, I mean, he's my best friend"_

_Even turns his gaze to the ring on the palm of his hand, looking at it like he was trying to memorize it. He already had, of course._

_"In all these years, he's spoken about it a few times. Sometimes just mentioning it, other times discussing a bit further. Like, during one of your episodes or something like that"_

_Even takes the ring and tries it on, like he did when he first bought it._

_Jonas watches him for a beat._

_"Do you know how many times he's said anything about it being a problem? About how he couldn't handle it?"_

_Even turned to face him instantly, proving to Jonas he had, in fact, been listening._

_"Not a single one" Jonas said, seriously, yet smiling._

_But still, Even didn't say anything. He simply tried to smile, mustering a half-smile that wasn't unconvincing, per se, rather it was just a bit sad. Relieved, sure. But also a bit sad._

_"No. I don't think it's the bipolar thing. I just think he's scared" Jonas volunteered, once again, desperately wishing for the silence to end._

_"Scared?" Even finally spoke._

_"Yeah, dude"_

_"Of what?"_

_"I don't know, do I? I think you scare him a little. Not you being bipolar, nor anything like that. But I think you do"_

_"I'm scary, then?" Even said, pointing at himself, smiling._

_"Not that many people stick together for this long, Even. It's not really that common to make a life with the person you met in high school and have it be it"_

_"You and Eva are doing it"_

_"Eva and I broke up and got back together a few times before actually realizing we should be together. It's not like you and Isak. You and Isak met and, well, that was it, wasn’t it? You knew"_

_"Come one, Jonas. You knew, too. It just took a while for Eva to catch up"_

_"Fair enough, but my point remains. You two aren't the norm. You're the exception"_

_“Maybe” Even said, skeptical._

_“Dude, not for nothing, but you’re like his only one”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“You know what I mean, Even. You’re older, you had this whole life before meeting him. But Isak? I think you’re the first person he ever loved”_

_“Is that bad?”_

_“Bad? No way. I just think it kinda puts things in perspective, you know? I think you underestimate what you are, sometimes, dude”_

_“What am I?”_

_“You’re his love, man” Jonas told him, so frankly Even had a hard time maintaining eye contact, eventually looking away and putting the ring back in his pocket._

_“That should belong to Isak, you know”_

_“It does”_

_And he was telling the truth. Even if he never got to have it, that ring belonged to Isak. The fact that someone else knew this made Even feel a bit calmer, somehow. It seemed to make more real, he thought._

_“Then ask him, Even”_

_“He’ll say ‘no’, Jonas. I couldn’t bare losing him”_

_“Who said anything about losing him? And who said he’d say ‘no’?”_

_“He doesn’t want to get married, man”_

_“That doesn’t mean he’ll say ‘no’”_

_“It doesn’t? Because I think it doesn’t mean he’ll say ‘yes’, either”_

_“Maybe he won’t say ‘yes’, but I don’t think he’ll say ‘no’”_

_“Now you sound like Isak, except that doesn’t make any sense, Jonas” Even said, making Jonas smile._

_“Maybe he’d want time to consider it. Or, he may wish to talk about it. Who knows?”_

_“But if he says ‘no’?”_

_“Then you ask him again, until he says ‘yes’” Jonas said, like it was no big deal._

_“Repeating the words won’t make him change his mind. I’m not bullying him into marrying me”_

_“I don’t mean you should ask him repeatedly, all at once. I mean that, if he does say ‘no’, you should wait and ask again after a few months, maybe a year”_

_“If he doesn’t break up once I ask him the first time, right? Besides, I don’t know if I asking multiple times would help”_

_“It worked for me” Jonas admitted._

_“You asked Eva more than once?” Even asked, surprised._

_“Five times. I asked her five times” he said, sounding as if he were exhausted._

_“Seriously? Weren’t you scared?”_

_“Terrified. I still kept asking, though”_

_Even went silent for a moment. He hadn’t considered that he could ask a second time, let alone a fifth._

_“Do you really think I scare him?”_

_“I do, man”_

_"How can I make it so he's not scared?"_

_"I dunno. How can you? What do you usually do when he's scared? Mind you, I don't have to know if it's anything sexual" Jonas said, smiling._

_"Aside from that, then?"_

_"Preferably. Yeah"_

_They both laugh._

_"I'm not sure we use sex in order to feel better all that much. Not an unreasonable amount, at least"_

_"Eva uses it on me all the time. It works. Maybe you should try it"_

_"Not with something this serious"_

_"Then, what do you do when he's afraid?"_

_"Nothing. I just... hold him. Try to make him feel safe"_

_Jonas stopped smiling, turning serious. It was the way Even had said it. It was so genuine, it sounded like this simple thing, almost irrelevant._

_"It doesn't sound like it’s nothing, dude"_

**[TO BE CONTINUED]**


	4. What Makes Us Us (Part III)

It was reflex, it was habit. 

Out of all the things Isak enjoyed doing, pulling Even close and pressing his forehead on his chest was his absolute favorite. There was something about it, about how it would feel to grab hold of his t-shirt, making fists and leaning in to him that was borderline perfection. Every time he did this, and he did it quite a lot, his heart would race a bit, just as he would feel Even’s arms encapsulate him, creating what felt like a barrier, an area that belonged to no one else, just them. It could sometimes be similar to a high, Isak would often notice, and he could never quite imagine anything else that could come close to being as satisfying.

It was simple, it was normal. It was also pretty extraordinary, if one were to ask Isak. 

For some reason, he had spent the whole day not being able to think of anything else he’d rather do. While he talked about Infinity with his students or while he checked the data on his research at the lab, he spent the day thinking about Even. Imagining coming home and being able to bury his head on his chest and breathe properly.

It wasn’t weird to think a lot about Even, of course. He did it all the time. However, Isak had been worrying, if only a little. It was probably nothing, of course. That’s what he’d tell himself, over and over. 

It didn’t really help that he had been so unbelievably caught up in trying to come to terms with ideas he was pretty sure he’d never fully be able to understand, be it marriage or why he seemed to have this unshakable fear of being abandoned. _Things we know but pretend not to_ , he also kept thinking.

It took a little more of his time and focus than he would’ve liked or hoped, and now he worried it might have made him unaware of certain signs, like how Even had been prone to misplacing things lately or how his mood seemed a bit altered. But he’d been through a lot, with the premiere and the house and everything that happened in the past year and a half.

Of course, that’s exactly how long it’s been since Even’s last episode.

Maybe it’s guilt, Isak tried convincing himself. Guilt over the fact he had been purposefully freaking out alone, as opposed to coming out and telling Even he’d been feeling a bit weird himself, with all the marriage stuff proving to be a bit harder to handle than Isak had originally expected.

It was probably guilt. He should talk to Even. He _would_ talk to Even, just as soon as he got back to the flat that night – or maybe after he had his head comfortably adjusted to his chest. Maybe he would even suggest they cancelled dinner at Eva’s and stayed in for the night, just the two of them.

\\\

When he got to the apartment, it was all dark. Even had been in bed all day.

"I'm sorry" Even said, softly, as he lay in bed next to Isak, who was looking at him as he stared at the ceiling.

"I know" Isak told him, honestly.

"I tried. I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop it, but I wanted to" Even slowly said.

"It's alright, Even. It's fine"

"Did I ruin dinner?"

"Of course not. It's just dinner" Isak told him, making a mental note as to text Jonas and tell him they weren’t going to be able to make it. 

"It isn't fair" 

Even sounded numb. He spoke quietly, almost whispering, but there was little to no emotion in his voice. His eyes were wide open, more so than normal, and he would blink in slow motion – which would always terrify Isak.

He would alternate between sounding so desperately heartbroken and sounding as though he felt nothing. Both instances broke Isak’s heart, in equal measure.

Isak was used to this by now, though. However, some times were different than others. Sometimes his depression seemed deeper, so deep that it scared Isak most absolutely. He never let Even know it, though. Isak could never show it.

"What isn't fair?" he asked Even, calmly.

"What I do to you. I hurt you, Isak. I _keep_ hurting you… I've always told you I would. I hurt you and… it's not fair" he spoke, robot-like. 

"Even, you need to breathe"

He looked at Isak and took a deep breath, but he seemed to only do it to please him, like a favor, or something he was doing simply because he didn’t want Isak saying it again. 

He then resumed staring at the ceiling.

"It'll never stop, Isak. I'll keep hurting you and… it's just not working"

"You don't know what will happen, Even"

"I know" he simply stated.

"It's not like that"

"You should leave me, you know. It'd be better."

"Better for whom?"

He didn't answer.

"Look Even, this isn't who you are. It isn't all you are. The same way you don't always hurt me. It's not that flat, not that black and white"

"Someday I'll hurt you enough and you'll go. I’ve told you before."

"And you _know_ this?"

Isak didn’t feel hurt this time, mainly because this time Even was saying it because he was in the middle of an episode. It wasn’t like before. It was absolutely excruciating to hear, though.

"Good things should only happen to good people. And I shouldn't be happy, I shouldn't get to have you. I’m broken. _You_ should know happiness. You deserve it, you're good. You’re so good."

" _You're_ good, Even” Isak said, as calmly as he could. “And this moment? This is all it is. Only a minute. It'll pass in another minute and in a few more you'll start to feel better"

"I will?" he asked, suddenly almost out of breath. 

"You need to breathe" Isak tried saying it as calmly as he possibly could.

He took another deep breath, looking straight into Isak's eyes, almost as if he wished to pierce through, melt into them.

"Better?" Isak asked him, softly.

"A little, but the breathing doesn't help"

"If it feels a bit better-"

"Not the breathing. When I look at you"

He took another breath, again looking at Isak, as though he wanted to make sure. Isak said nothing, he simply looked right back. 

Even then resumed staring up at the ceiling. 

"Yeah… when I look at you" he said. To himself, more so than to Isak.

Isak kept staring at him, not being able to look away. 

This was something Isak would always struggle with. The amount of time he could get to look at Even without him noticing. He would often do it and not realize how many minutes had passed, which wasn’t ideal seeing as Even would sometimes need him to keep track of the number of minutes gone by. Every time Even got like this, Isak would go into full on rational mode. He’s always thought that’s what was needed, like he had to be focused and able to counter argument Even’s every certainty while he was sad. Most of them were easy, so to speak, because they were easy to dispute. Others, on the other hand, proved more difficult. 

Once, in the middle of the night, Even woke up and proposed to Isak. They had a long discussion and Even was absolutely sure it wasn’t the mania talking. It took some convincing, until an angry Even eventually dropped the subject, but only because Isak said _yes_ – on the condition they got married a week later. The following week, Even had adjusted his medication and was feeling better, apparently having forgotten that he had ever proposed. They never talked about it again.

Sometimes, Isak would lose focus for a moment. Usually when he noticed Even’s eyes. Whenever Even was depressed, his eyes would change. The blue would get sort of opaque, and Isak could only notice **that**. The overwhelming sadness that took over those usually such bright, kind eyes.

It was the kindness, he thought, more often than not. The kindness in his eyes would be gone. And it broke Isak’s heart, every single time.

"I'm still sorry" he said.

"I know you are"

"It hurts that I hurt you… That it'll keep happening"

Even hardly ever cried, even during an episode. At least, he wouldn’t cry like most people. His pain would be so unbelievable sometimes, that the tears would simply roll down his face as he talked or even while he was silent. He didn’t sob, he didn’t lose his breath because of it, and he rarely noticed when it happened. He constantly shed tears, and Isak would get to witness that, which was simply heartbreaking.

He would never be able to stop wishing he could somehow make Even feel better.

"I know. Just brea- Just _look_ at me, Even"

"I can't just look at you every time I feel sad, Isak" he said, with such disdain.

"Says who?"

And so he did. He looked at Isak and slowly started to relax, eventually closing his eyes and dozing off.

It was always the hardest part. Looking at him, without being able to hold him, without being able to see the spark in his eyes.

He was still Even, of course. It wasn’t as though Isak would feel as if he turned into some stranger. No. However bad it would get, be it a manic or depressive episode, Even was Even. So, ultimately it wasn’t difficult for Isak to look him in the eye and see him. What was excruciating was seeing those eyes full of pain without being able to simply make it go away, make him feel better.

Instead, Isak would do what he could. He would listen. He would wait. He would stay.

 _You're good, Even_ Isak kept thinking. He even whispered it a couple of times throughout the night, whenever Even would get particularly agitated.

_“You’re good, Even”_

He spent that night watching Even, making sure he was okay. He didn't want to get up and risk Even waking up and not being able to look at him if he needed to.

This time, it was bad. It was deeper. 

Sometimes it’s deeper.

\\\

Isak was writing on his moleskin when Even woke up.

"Hi" he said, looking up at Isak, who was sitting.

"Hey, you" Isak said, closing his moleskin and scooting down the bed, turning in order to face a sleepy Even.

"Better?"

"I think so"

"I can tell" Isak told him, smiling.

"How?"

"Your eyes. They look different"

"Oh?"

"Yes. I recognize them better today"

"You didn't, last night?"

"I did. But they weren't as bright"

"Did you sleep at all?"

"Not really. I needed to prepare some classes"

"Oh"

"Are you hungry?"

"A little bit, sure"

"Do you want some coffee? I can make- Well, let's face it, I can pretty much only make cheese toast. And some eggs, if you feel like it. I probably wouldn't screw that combo up too bad" he told him, honestly.

He smiled and Isak was so relieved that he was back to looking like Even.

"I like your toast" Even told him.

Isak looked at him, clearly doubting he was telling anything but a huge lie.

"I do. It's never burnt, always evenly golden. Not too crunchy, nor flat. The cheese is perfectly melted, with loads of cardamom. It's great toast, babe"

Yeah. He was definitely back. Only Even could find ways to go on romantically about toast.

"Toast, then?"

"Yeah, ‘cause now I'm really hungry” he said, raising both eyebrows and smiling. “But I can come with and make you something" he suggested.

"No way. You stay put. I'll be back in a while"

He got up to go to the kitchen, but Even took hold of his wrist and made him stop. Isak looked down and Even was looking serious as he pulled him on top of him. He put his arms  
around Isak, tightly, before rolling over so he could be on top of him.

They looked at one another for a moment, and then Even kissed him, quite gently.

"Thank you, Isak Valtersen" a smiling Even told him.

This was probably one of the very first times Isak didn't notice or get lost in one of Even's smiles. All he could see were his eyes, so blue and finally bright again. The sadness was almost gone, and Isak felt like he could finally breathe properly.  
Those were beautiful eyes, Isak thought.

\\\

As he carefully timed the toast as not to burn it, Isak took some strawberries he had found in the fridge and put them in a small bowl, placing it on the tray, next to the scrambled eggs he had just made and the two cups of coffee. Just as he was about to get some orange juice, the doorbell rang. 

Frustrated, he rushed to open the door, dodging open cardboard boxes that were spread about the flat. It was Eva and Jonas.

"Hey, dude" Jonas said, smiling.

"Hi, guys. Come in" 

"How's Even?" Eva asked, clearly concerned.

"Better. He woke up better. Look, I'm making toast and I really can't have it burn, because I've ran out of bread after the first five didn't come out quite as I'd hoped so, can we talk in the kitchen?" Isak said, nervously.

"Of course, man"

They followed Isak to the kitchen and Jonas noticed various perfectly fine pieces of toast in the bin.

"I'm glad he's feeling better" Eva said, kindly.

"Need any help?" Jonas volunteered.

"No, thanks. I mean, I always need help in the kitchen, but I got this. You guys want some coffee?" 

Jonas and Eva look at each other and they both say _'no'_ at the same time.

"How are you, though?" Jonas asked, casually.

"I'm fine. Just… making breakfast. How was dinner?"

"It was good. We missed you guys, but it was fine" Eva said.

"We were just headed to the cabin to take care of a few things before next week and wanted to make sure you guys were alright" Jonas said, watching Isak clumsily fix the items on the tray so it would all fit.

"Thanks, guys. We're good" he told them.

"So, you think you two will still be able to go? To the cabin next week, I mean" Eva asked, awkwardly.

"Of course, Eva. It’s your wedding. Only, we'll probably head up later in the day then we'd planned. Instead of Friday afternoon, we'll drive up Friday night. I have a class I can’t cancel, so we'll most likely arrive in the middle of the night. But he'll be fine in a couple of days" Isak explained.

"Friday night is fine. As long as you two go. I need my best man" Jonas told him, smiling.

"We'll be there, dude. Don't worry."

"Awesome. We'll let you get back to it then" Jonas said.

Isak led them to the front door and they said their goodbyes. 

“You haven’t slept, have you?” Eva asked him, after kissing him on the cheek.

“I’m fine, Eva” he answered her, rolling his eyes just a bit, quite unintentionally.

She didn’t mind. Instead she looked at him for a beat, smiled, and turned to leave.

He then quickly went back to the kitchen, double checking the items on the tray to make sure he’d gotten everything, grabbed a couple of napkins and headed to the bedroom. Even was still awake, playing a game on his phone. Isak entered the room and after Even sat up, he placed the tray in front of him, sitting across from him.

"This looks great" Even said, smiling again.

"Toast, eggs, strawberries and cream, orange juice, coffee and some shortbread cookies. Dig in" Isak told him, pointing at each of the items and then grabbing his cup of coffee, taking a sip.

"You're not eating?" 

"Nah. I'm not hungry. I ate a few strawberries while I waited for the toast" 

“But there’s cardamom. You love cardamom” Even told him, holding the toast so Isak can take a bite.

He only did it to please Even, who watched him, smiling.

"You have to eat, Isak. You can't go to work without breakfast" 

"I'm not going to the University today" he casually mentioned.

"Why not?" Even asked him, taking a bite from a strawberry.

"Christof asked me to switch classes with him, so I'm going in tomorrow instead" Isak lied. 

Well, sort of. They did switch classes, only he’d texted Christof the previous night, asking him to teach _his_ class, telling him he was too sick to show up.

"Oh, I see. Who was it at the door?"

"Jonas and Eva. They dropped by to check up on you"

"That's nice. Are they mad because of last night?"

"No one's mad, Even. They just worry"

"Fair enough."

Isak watched Even as he ate, wanting to make sure he took his meds and also that his mood had stabilized. He was always worried whenever Even came back too quickly. As much as he loved looking at him and seeing him look back, the day right after an episode was always a day that could go either way.

Isak wanted to make sure he was back.

\\\

Two days later, Isak was finishing his coffee and trying to find his bag when Sana arrived. She was late, which meant he was so very fucking late.

"Sorry. The cab driver was a moron" she said, nervously.

"It's alright. I overslept, anyway" Isak lied.

"Really? ‘Cause you look like you haven’t slept in days” Sana said.

Isak simply ignored her.

"Even's still sleeping. He'll be out for most of the morning. I just need you to keep an eye on him, make sure he eats and takes his meds"

"Right. Piece of cake” she said, clapping both hands together. “Where are his meds?" 

"Next to the coffee maker. I left a note on the fridge, just in case"

"In case of what?" she asked, slightly insulted.

"I don't know, in case you need something. There's the number to my office as well as to the lab at the University, the time I'm expecting to come back, the number for his favorite takeout and the time, name and dosage of each of his meds. The doctor upped his lithium, so make sure you check it twice before giving him"

For a minute Sana considered telling him off, but he seemed in such a hurry and so tired that she just calmly listened to every word.

"I don’t think you’ll be wanting to play any x-box, so I put some of his favorite movies next to the TV in case you guys wish to kill some time. Just don’t let him convince you to watch anything too tragic"

"Got it. Relax, Isak, I got this. I’ve done it before, don’t worry.”

But of course he worried, how could he not? He hated having to leave. Usually he’d get to stay with Even and make sure he was getting better. 

“How's he doing?" Sana asked him.

"He's better. He just needs some time and some distracting"

"And you?"

"I need this day to end, actually. I'm having the dean sit in on one of my classes to evaluate my work. And I have to get our tuxes from the cleaners, fix this place up a bit because it's a mess, with all these boxes all over—. I also need to refill his subscriptions and—"

"That's more of a schedule than it is an answer. How are you, Isak?"

He sighed and looked at her, annoyed, even though he knew she was just trying to be kind.

"I'm late. You're good?" he said, trying his best to sound anything but extremely frustrated.

"Yes. Go, we'll be fine"

"Okay. Thanks for doing this, bud"

"Go, already"

"Yeah. Okay. Bye"

Once he left, she walked over to their bedroom, opened the door quietly and checked on Even. He was peacefully asleep, so she went back to the living room, took a look around the place and started to tidy up.

\\\

By the time Even woke up, Sana had cleaned up the whole flat - minus the bedroom - and was waiting for lunch to be delivered. 

It was the fifth time she was checking up on him, only this time he was awake and sitting up, waiting.

"Morning, Sana" he said, happily.

"Good _afternoon_ " she pointed out and smiled. "How did you sleep?"

She sat on the edge of the bed and watched him.

"Like the dead. Have you been here long?"

"A while. How are you feeling?"

"Much better, actually"

"Good. Does that mean I can open the curtains and the windows? Because this room smells like how you said you slept"

"Sure. I'll do it, though. I'm going to get up and take a shower, I think"

"Okay, good. Just be quick because I ordered us some lunch"

"Oh?"

"Yeah. From the place Isak left written on the mile long note he wrote with all the instructions for the day"

Even laughed.

"That must've been lovely to witness. Him bossing you around, for a change"

"Hey"

"It's not criticism. I just like it when he's bossy"

"Go. Shower" she said, getting up and leaving. 

\\\

By the time Even had taken his shower, the food had already arrived. Sana was just finishing setting up the table in the kitchen when he walked in.

"Coq-au-vin? I've been craving coq-au-vin. How did you know?

"I didn't. Isak told me to order it"

Even smiled as he sat down.

"So, how's _your_ Isak?"

"He's fine. I left him with my mom today. He keeps saying he wants to move in here with you two"

“The kid is awesome” he said, smiling.

“He loves you guys”

"You know, you don't need to stay here all day. And you didn't have to clean up"

"I want to be here and I couldn't not clean up, not with the place looking like it did. How many boxes have you two actually filled up? There are like twenty spread out throughout the flat and yet none have more than five items inside"

“We haven’t had time to properly get to that yet. Isak has a system”

“Of course he does” she said, but even she couldn’t help but smile.

They ate in silence for a beat.

"He hasn't called yet" Even commented, quietly.

"Do you keep calling each other all day long, too?"

"No. It's just that this is the week he’s being evaluated. He said he'd call to let me know how it went"

"Oh. True, he mentioned something about the dean"

"Why have you been having such a problem with how we act, lately?"

"I don't have a problem with how you two act"

"Ha! Right"

"I don't” she said, defensively. “I may be a little more annoyed than usual, but it's nothing to do with you guys"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about. My marriage is over" she said, casually, as if talking about the weather.

Even almost choked.

"What?!"

"I'm leaving Yousef” she continued to casually say. “Probably" she then amended.

"Seriously?"

"Yes. I mean, maybe. I don’t know, it’s possible. He wants to work it out, so, maybe I'm a little angry because it’s all a bit confusing, but it's not directed at you guys, though"

"Jesus, Sana. I'm sorry"

"It's fine. I just don't want to think about it. Not yet, anyway"

"We can talk about it, though"

"I don't want to. When I need to, we'll talk"

"Okay. Whatever you say"

"Thank you"

They fell silent again, but this time they both felt awkward.

"Are you proposing to Isak?" she finally asked him, casual as ever.

"Am I what?" Even asked, almost chocking - again.

"You heard me. We need something to talk about, I can't stand the quiet. Not since having a kid and forgetting how brutal it can be. Are you proposing?"

"No?"

"You don't know?"

"I do. I mean, I'm not. Why do you ask?"

"Let's see. You made a movie just for him. You bought him a house. You're like the most romantic person I know and yet I've never known you to even mention the word _marriage_ "

"I've talked about it"

"No, you haven't, actually. And it's fine, only everyone seems to be talking about it, even Isak. But not you"

"Isak's taking about it?" he asked, suddenly intrigued.

"I'll tell you, if you tell me why you're not"

"He doesn't want to marry, what is there to talk about?"

"Maybe the reason why he doesn't?"

"His dad? I think you know his dad's the reason"

"I don't think he is, though. But, how about you?"

"What about me?"

"I don't need to talk about how Isak doesn't want to marry, I know all that. I don't know why _you're_ so cool about it. I don't even know if you'd want to marry Isak. Not really"

"Come on, Sana"

"I don't. And honestly, it's weird"

"I'd love to marry him, alright? There"

"Even?"

"Ugh, Sana, I just successfully stopped obsessing about this like five days ago and now you bring it up? What the hell?"

"I wouldn't have to bring it up if you'd only talked to me like you used to"

"I talk to you"

"Not like before, you don’t"

“We talk”

“If we did, I wouldn’t need to ambush you like this, would I?”

"Okay, then. Yes, I think about it. I’ve always thought about it and I seem to be unable to not think of it, lately"

"So, you would you ask him?"

“Of course I would ask him”

“Then, why haven’t you?”

“We are talking about Isak, are we not? You know it as well as I do he doesn’t want to”

“I don’t know that. I know he _says_ he doesn’t, that’s not the same thing”

“You think he wants to?”

“I just think he’s used to having a certain opinion on the matter and hasn’t noticed he may have changed his mind about it”

“When would he have done that?”

“Honestly? I think you changed his mind, years ago.”

“I don’t know, Sana”

“You should ask him, if you want to”

“He’d say _no_. I can’t risk it. Why does everyone think I need to ask him, as if they know how he’d react? No one knows how he’d react, that’s a big part of the whole issue, really”

“Even—”

“I can’t ask him to do something he’s not ready to do, Sana. I won’t be that guy”

“Even if it makes you sad?

“I prefer to not make _him_ sad”

“You know, it’s when you say things like _that_ that makes people say you should go for it and ask, you know” she said, kindly.

\\\

Sana and Even were watching a movie when Isak arrived, visibly exhausted. Even lit up at the sight of him, which made him forget about how tired he was, almost instantly.

“Hey babe” Even said, giving Isak the biggest of smiles.

“What are you guys watching?” Isak asked, as he took off his shoes and his coat.

“ _The Color Purple_ ” Even said, casually.

“Sana, what the fuck?”

“He’s kidding, relax” she told him, unfazed.

“We’re watching _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ ” Even said.

“Oh. Cool.”

“He let me pick” she said, smiling proudly.

“I see” Isak looked at her and then at Even, who raised both eyebrows and smiled, candidly. 

He sat down in between the two, right after kissing Even hello. 

“You didn’t call” Even said.

“I know, sorry” Isak told him, resting his head on his shoulder. “It was such a busy day, I didn’t even get to have lunch” 

“You didn’t eat?” Even asked, appalled.

“Isak” Sana simply said.

They both looked at him, almost mad.

“I didn’t have time” he told them, apologetically, watching the movie. 

“Honestly, Isak. You can’t do that” Sana told him.

Even put his hands on either side of Isak’s head, keeping it in place as he got up, and then shifting it so he could rest it in Sana’s shoulder. He then got up and proceeded to go to the kitchen, without saying a word.

Normally, Isak would protest. He knew Even was going to fix him something to eat, and part of him didn’t want him to bother. However, with Even in the kitchen, Isak could talk to Sana and find out how the day had gone.

“So?” he simply asked her, lacking the strength to speak in fuller, longer sentences. 

“It was a good day. We talked a lot, he seems to have his appetite back, as well as his usual humor. He showered, worried about you, talked about films. Normal _Even_ behavior” she told him, making sure she kept her voice down.

“Good” Isak said, utterly relieved. 

“So. How many days has it been, Isak?” she asked.

“What?”

“How many days has it been since you’ve slept?”

“Oh. I don’t know, four?”

“Shit, what’s the matter with you?” she said, hitting him over the stomach.

“I can’t sleep when he’s not okay, Sana” he admitted.

“And that’s sweet, Isak, but it’s still not good for you”

“Him not being okay isn’t, either”

She was about to respond when Even came back to the living room, holding a small plate with a sandwich and a glass of orange juice.

“Here. You need to eat” even told him as he handed Isak the sandwich and sat next to him.

“Thanks, baby” he said, smiling at Even.

The three fell silent. Isak focused on eating, while Sana and Even watched the movie, clearly enjoying it. 

Even kept glancing at Isak, though, wanting to make sure he was eating. It was something Isak could see from his periphery, and it made him eat a bit slower, just so he could enjoy it. He loved having Even’s eyes on him.

When he finished, Isak got up and took the plate back to the kitchen, proceeding to go take a shower. That was the _plan_ , it was what he told them he’d do. The moment he got to the bedroom, though, all he could think of was how inviting that bed seemed. So, he decided to take a quick nap before showering. Nothing excessive, he told himself, maybe just five or ten minutes - just so he could rest his eyes.

\\\

Four hours later, at around midnight, he woke up. The room was almost completely dark, except for the lamp on Even’s nightstand.

“Hey, beautiful” Even said, putting down the book he’d been reading.

“Jesus. What time is it?” Isak asked him, a bit disoriented.

“Midnight, or just about” 

He felt like he’d been asleep for two days. He felt like he was still asleep, actually.

“Sana?”

“She left after the movie. She had to pick up Isak from her mom’s” 

“Right”

“How did you sleep?”

“Fine. Why aren’t _you_ asleep?”

“I wanted to wait up for you” Even told him, smiling.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m good, babe. You?”

“Still a little tired” he said.

“Do you want me to make you something to eat?”

“I don’t think I can get up” he admitted. 

“I can bring it here?”

“It’s okay. I’m good”

“Do you want to go back to sleep? I can shut up” he said, smiling.

Isak smiled, turning on his side.

“No, I want to stay awake”

“But you’re tired, babe”

“But I like looking at you” he said.

Even put his book on the nightstand and scooted down, turning on his side so he’d be facing Isak, who watched him back. 

“Hi” he said, raising both eyebrows and making Isak smile.

“Hi, baby”

Isak reached and placed his thumb in between Even’s eyes, rubbing it up and down, gently.

“How was your day?” he asked him, softly.

“It was alright”

“Just _‘alright’_?”

“You weren’t here, so” he explained, smiling.

“Smooth” 

“I don’t like it when you’re not here”

“Me, neither”

“Did I say or do anything in the last few days I should apologize for but still haven’t?”

“Nope. Not a thing”

“You always say that”

“And still you always apologize”

“I’m sorry”

Isak smiled.

“What?” Even asked, not quite understanding why Isak was smiling.

But Isak said nothing. He simply put his hand on the side of Even’s face and leaned in, kissing him slowly and for as long as he could.

\\\

_  
Even was sitting on a bench, just outside Jonas’ apartment building, when Vilde walked by, dressed for a party and carrying a bottle of red wine._

_“Even?”_

_“Hey, Vilde. You look nice”_

_“Thanks! What are you doing out here?”_

_“Deciding something, I guess”_

_“I see” she said, looking at him, trying to understand._

_She sat beside him and looked at the direction he was looking at, mimicking him._

_“You don’t want to go up?” she finally said, cheerful as always._

_“What?”_

_“To Eva and Jonas’? Shouldn’t you be up there, with Isak?”_

_“Oh, that. I’ll be up in a minute. Although, I don’t know what difference it’ll make, Isak is mad at me” he confessed, looking solemn._

_“What did you do?”_

_“Said something I shouldn’t have, of course”_

_“Did you apologize?”_

_“He won’t let me. He doesn’t want to hear it”_

_“I see” she said. “It does make a difference, though. Having you attend the party” she added, smiling and making Even smile as well._

_“Do you want some help? With whatever it is you’re trying to decide, out here, in the cold?”_

_“What would you do if you were still with Magnus, and you wanted to ask him to marry you, only you knew he’d say _no_?” he asked her, frankly. “Would you want to change his mind? Ignore that fact and propose, anyway? Or, would you just forget the whole thing?”_

_“I’d change his mind, I guess”_

_“Right”_

_“But that’s me and Magnus”_

_“What does that mean?”_

_“It’s what would work for us. I could always get him to agree to anything I wanted him to” she said, smiling proudly and looking fondly at Even._

_“Oh”_

_“Now, you and Isak? That’s different”_

_“How is it different?”_

_“You two are both stubborn. Isak certainly is way more stubborn than Magnus, and prouder, too” she said, as Even nodded in agreement. “So, I would have to say… _door number two_. I’d ask him, anyway”_

_“He’s stubborn and proud, so you’d just pressure him into it?”_

_“I’d make it so he would be able to say _yes_ without having to admit he was wrong”_

_“You think he’s wrong?”_

_“I think he has his reasons, Even. But I also think he really loves you”_

_“I don’t doubt that, Vilde”_

_“Did you know his dad once said he wasn’t lovable?”_

_“What?”_

_It felt as though she had just sucker-punched him._

_“He said he left because he couldn’t be around people he couldn’t love”_

_“What the hell? How do you know this?”_

_“Isak told me, once. We were talking about you, actually”_

_“Wait. What? Explain, Vilde. Please”_

_All of a sudden, Even had almost no idea as to where he was._

_“You won’t like the story, not particularly”_

_“I don’t care, Vilde. Tell me”_

_“When you two had the accident, and Isak wouldn’t wake up and you were manic, remember?”_

_“Of course I remember”_

_“One day, Jonas and Eva had to help Sana take care of you. Everyone else was at work and couldn’t miss another day, so I volunteered to go and stay with him, keep him company. He had just woken up and was still kinda out of it, you know? I think it lasted almost a week, him being in and out of consciousness like that”_

_“Six days. I remember, Vilde” he said, a little annoyed._

_He wasn’t annoyed at her, though. It was directed at himself, but he didn’t tell her that._

_“Well, during one of his more coherent moments, he asked about you and I told him you were at work. I said the studio couldn’t afford any delays and made you work”_

_“Okay”_

_He was already feeling shittier by the second. He absolutely hated talking about the time Isak was in the hospital, mainly because his guilt over the whole thing, and especially about not being there for Isak – at least not how he wished he would have been -, was still as present as ever._

_“He started crying and said how it must’ve been killing you, not being able to be there with him”_

_“Jesus”_

_And just like that, he started wishing she’d break that bottle of wine on his head._

_“I’m not going to tell you if you get all sad, Even. It’s not meant to make you sad”_

_“I won’t Vilde. Promise”_

_“You swear?” she asked, extremely serious._

_“Yes, I swear” he lied._

_“Well, anyway, that’s when he told me. He said his dad talked about how Isak and his mom were too alike, and how he couldn’t live in a house with people he couldn’t bring himself to love”_

_“Fucking coward”_

_“He was drunk, he doesn’t even remember it. To this day, actually”_

_“That’s no excuse, Vilde” Even said, fuming._

_“I know, Even”_

_“What else did Isak say?”_

_“He said he was stupid. That he had his chance but blew it. He said you asked him to marry you, once”_

_“He said that?”_

_She nodded, smiling._

_“I did ask him once, but I was manic”_

_“Yeah, I know. He said it made him happy, all the same”_

_“Don’t tell me that, Vilde”_

_“He did, though”_

_All of a sudden, Even felt both exhilarated and awful. He had his chance, maybe, and maybe he blew it. Even if he didn’t, even if one day he could ask Isak to marry him and have him say _yes_ , somehow, at that moment, it didn’t matter. Not as much as the fact that what Vilde was saying was almost physically hurting him. He couldn’t stand to hear about Isak being so sad._

_“He believed him, I think. His dad. I think he actually believes he would ruin you or something”_

_“He’s said it a few times he’s afraid it would ruin us”_

_“Not you two, Even. You. Ruin _you_ ”_

_“He can’t think that, Vilde. Don’t say that”_

_Even couldn’t help but feel heartbroken._

_“Well”_

_“How can he ruin me if he makes me better?”_

_“I don’t know if he still believes it, though. Maybe he doesn’t” she said, clearly trying to make him feel better._

_“How did he tell you all of this?”_

_“At first I thought he was only saying it because he was medicated. Then, I thought he would forget it, you know? Once he got better”_

_“Did he?”_

_“No. When he got out from the hospital he went by my house. He sat on the front steps for hours and waited until I got home. I’d gone to see my mom that day, see”_

_“Okay”_

_“He was fine, except he still had some bruises and stuff? It still looked like he was in pain, even though I knew he wasn’t. But when I asked him why he was there he simply said he wanted me to know”_

_“Know what? About his dad?”_

_“No. He said he wanted me to know he remembered our conversation. That he remembered deciding to tell me that story, and that he wanted me to know he did it on purpose, not because he was high on morphine or something”_

_“He went over to tell you that?”_

_“Yep. Even while he was like that, in that hospital, he felt bad for _me_ , because he knew my boss was shit, and he figured if I was there it meant I’d probably lose my job –“_

_“Which you did”_

_“Which I did, but he didn’t know it at the time. He just felt bad, Even. He felt bad for me maybe losing my job while he had brain damage, can you think of a more _Isak Valtersen_ thing to say or do?”_

_Even smiled, and he couldn’t help but tear up, especially because Vilde was almost crying herself._

_“I can’t, no”_

_“You see, he’s never mean. Or unkind, not really. That’s how I know”_

_“Know what, Vilde?”_

_“He wouldn’t say _no_. Not to you”_

_“I don’t know about that”_

_“It’s one thing to oppose it, for whatever reason. It’s quite another to have the person you love ask you”_

_“I guess”_

_They both went silent for a minute._

_“Did it help?”_

_“Did what help?”_

_“The story? Did it help you make up your mind?”_

_“Oh. Yes, actually. I’m not returning it”_

_“Returning what?”_

_“Never mind, it’s not important”_

_“Okay. Well, it’s really cold, we should go up” she said, standing up and fixing her skirt._

_“Thanks, Vilde”_

_“No problem, Even. You should go make him make you apologize”_

\\\

Jonas and Eva decided to get married at the cabin Jonas' grandmother had left him. It wasn't particularly large, at least not enough to accommodate everyone, so they rented the cabin next door for the weekend, in order to make sure everyone stayed close by. While Eva and Jonas, Isak and Even, Noora and Eskild stayed at Jonas', Sana and Yousef, Vilde, Chris, Mahdi, Magnus and Astrid stayed at the one next door.

The rest of the guests would either drive up for the wedding or stay at the Inn back in town. They included a few of Eva's co-workers, her boss and some family members – mostly cousins, as well as Jonas' publicist and a couple of his family members. Neither of them wanted a big wedding, and both thought the guest list was long enough already.

On Saturday morning, a few hours before the ceremony, Jonas and the guys went over to the Inn to welcome some of the guests. The girls stayed behind to help Eva get ready, and so did Isak and Even, who had driven all night and were the last ones to arrive.

Even was extremely tired after the drive over, and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Isak, however, had trouble sleeping, staying awake for most of the night. Once the sun had come up, he decided to go get some coffee, going outside to walk along the beach, shortly after.

Eva saw him and decided to join him. She had a robe on and her hair was up, and even though she had some sort of green mask on her face, she looked absolutely beautiful to Isak.

"Mrs. Banner" Isak joked.

"Who?"

"Shouldn't you be inside?"

"I asked for a break. Vilde and Sana are fighting over some emergency" she said, making air quotes as she said the word 'emergency'. "They gave me ten minutes"

"How generous of them"

“Shouldn't you be sleeping? You guys got here so late last night. Or rather, this morning, almost"

"I can't seem to sleep"

"What's on your mind, Isak Valtersen?"

"Nothing. It's your wedding day, Eva. You should be enjoying it, not wanting to listen to some lunatic friend"

"But I love listening to my lunatic friends. Besides, I'm getting married in seven hours, not right now. I hate those people that think they get to have the whole day be about them  
as if they were extra special just because they're making vows"

Isak smiled at her, mainly because it was a very Eva Mohn thing to say.

"Well?"

"I don't know. I'm trying to figure something out, I guess"

"Is it still about Even? The whole idea of marriage?"

"It's appropriate, isn't it? To think about marriage while at a wedding?"

"Any progress?"

"Some. None that makes sense, though"

"Come on, Isak. Don't make me force it out of you" she quipped.

"I'm just thinking about time a lot. About our future, I guess. Which is unlike me, I know"

"Can I ask you something? It may not seem too kind, but I assure you, it is"

"Okay?"

"Do you really think you two are going to stay together forever? Like, honestly?"

"You're right, that doesn't seem kind at all"

"I know, but I can't think of another way of putting it. And I know how you hate it when people tip-toe around a subject"

"Sure, but—"

"I don't mean to sound like a bitch, Isak. It's an honest question. I mean, you've been together since high school, and—"

"So have you and Jonas" Isak interrupted her.

"Yes, but— It's not the same. We never had what you and Even have. We certainly didn't, back then. We both had relationships of our own before finding each other again"

"What's so different about it?"

"Well, Even dated Sonja for years before he met you. And you? He's basically your first love, isn't he?"

"So? I don't quite follow, dude" Isak told her, making sure he didn't sound annoyed by her tip-toeing around the issue like she said she didn't want to fucking do.

"You two are still in your twenties, Isak. And in your case, you've never even been with anyone else other than Even. Since high school, it has always been him. What I mean to point out is, realistically speaking, should you worry about you guys in your old age as much as you seem to be doing?"

As much as he could maybe understand where she was coming from, it sounded too similar to something Sana would try to tell him. Except, even Sana hadn't dared say something so fucking cold.

"Is this your way of saying you don't think I need to worry about the future, since Even and I most likely have none?"

"Jesus, no. I would never, Isak—"

“Because, you know, you’re also in your twenties and here we are” he pointed out.

“I know, I’m not trying to—“

"It's okay if that’s what you meant, though. I’d hate to think you'd keep something like that from me, no matter how fucking shitty it sounds" he said, calmly but rather pissed.

The way he figured, he wasn't going to get upset or read too much into it. However, it did sound quite awful and shitty, and he couldn't simply ignore it altogether.

"But I don't, Isak. I'm merely asking because, well because it may help not to think about the future so much"

"By convincing myself we don't have one? I'm confused, Eva"

"No, Isak. It's just most people aren't sure. They aren't sure and still manage to have beautiful relationships, regardless if it ends or doesn't" she said, nervously.

Isak didn’t say anything. Rather, he watched her, fighting the urge to ask her what the fuck was in that green mask.

"Do you really not think of it?" she asked him.

She was seemingly clueless to her fucking tone, Isak thought.

"I told you I'm scared of it, of us ending"

"Not that. Don't you think about the fact that you've only ever been with him?"

"Is that bad?"

"Absolutely not. It's beautiful, Isak"

"Then I'm **really** confused" 

And mad. He was actually getting quite mad. He also had no idea where this conversation came from, nor what it was even about, by that point.

"Good” she said, as her expression changed from being rather cold and detached to going back to looking like Eva, caring and affectionate. 

“ _Good_?” Isak repeated, so fucking confused.

“Now take all of what I said and refute it"

"What?" he asked, not meaning for his voice to go up as he did.

"Tell me why it's wrong, why it’s bullshit" she said, and she wasn’t even smiling, she was beaming.

"Did you say all that on purpose?" he asked, realizing what she’d done.

"I'm not talking now, you are. Go" she ordered him.

"Eva—"

"Go, Isak. Convince me"

"Do I think about how I've ever only been with him? Of course, precisely because I’ve ever only been with him. Do I think I'm missing out? No fucking way"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not, am I? I have something people, most people don't ever get to have. I met the person I want to spend my life with before I was even eighteen, and I never doubted it for a fucking second. I saw him and that was it, I knew"

"And the rest? The fact that you'll never know anyone else, and how most people don't really get to have a whole life with just one person?"

"That's such bullshit"

"Why, though?" she asked, smiling, as if proud of him for saying it.

"Because, Eva. Why would I need anyone else when I've someone who is good and kind and fucking beautiful right here, sleeping and waiting for me to go wake him up because he likes the way I do it?” he said, pointing at the cabin. “And the question about the future? That's also bullshit. What's the point in being with someone if you don't think it'll last forever? Who does that?! I don’t want to be with Even and not **be** with him, having him get all of me, every fucking second. I’d never do it if I couldn’t think we were going to last"

"Aha! There!" she said, extremely excited.

"What?"

"Doesn't that answer your question about the future? About you two?"

"Not all of it, but I must admit, that was pretty good. Sneaky and hurtful, but good"

"I know. I've been working on it for a while" she said, proudly.

"You're a bit of a genius, Eva. I’d hate to be opposing council"

"Did it help you feel better, though?"

"It did"

"Good, 'cause I don't want you sad on my day" she said, smiling.

"You don't get a day, remember? You get the duration of the ceremony" he told her, smiling back.

"Semantics" 

"Thanks, dude. I can't believe it worked"

"I can't believe I got you all mad and you didn't tell me to go fuck myself. Those were horrible things to say, I’m so, so sorry" she said, holding both hands over her mouth and covering it, as if ashamed.

"They really were, but somehow it made other things more obvious"

"The way you talk about him, Isak? It’s so special. You should know that. He should hear you say that, actually"

Isak's phone starts to ring.

"Go ahead, pick it up" she told him, kindly.

"Oh, it's not a call. It's a reminder so I won't forget to wake him"

She looked at him so fondly he could almost feel it as he snoozed the alarm.

“Can I just ask one thing?”

“Is it an honest question or should I prepare to be insulted again?”

“No” she smiled. “This is me asking”

“Then, sure. Go ahead”

“How does it feel?” she said, taking a step closer to him. “I’ve always wondered how it was like for you, the fact that you met him and he was the first and only person you ever fell in love with”

“How does it feel?” he repeated.

“Yeah, I mean. How is that? How do you see it?”

“Part of me just gets that it’s sort of rare, you know? Having this happen, at such a young age and be this awesome all these years? It’s quite special, and I know that”

“And the other part?”

“The other part just _knows_ ”

“Knows what?”

“Well, if I’d met him a year later, or five or ten? He’d still be the one”

She smiled, looking at him for a moment.

“When did you know?”

“First time we were together. He spent the night, and we just stayed in bed together most of the next day. We fell asleep, eventually, and when I woke up and he’d left”

“That’s when you knew?” 

“When I woke up and saw that he was gone and I just… knew”

“That you’d found him?”

“That he was it. I like to think we’d always find each other, but I can’t know that. I do know that it’s him, though”

“Since that night?”

“That’s when I knew he was it. I fell for him before that”

“When?” she asked, curiously.

“The night before. He held me for the first time and—“

Eva watched him as he tried to find the right word to describe it.

“It was almost like a memory. It was familiar, which was impossible, I know, but that’s how it felt like”

“It did?”

“Still does, every time he does it”

Isak’s alarm goes off again on his phone.

"Are you going back in?" he asked her as he turned it off.

"In a minute. You go. Go wake him up"

He smiled and went off.

“You look beautiful, Eva Mohn!” Isak told her as he walked to the cabin.

“I’m literally green, Isak” she loudly said, obviously thinking he was full of shit.

“Still beautiful!” he yelled, smiling, before turning back and heading inside the cabin.

\\\

Isak quietly walked over to the bed as he took off his shoes and his sweater, while slowly climbing in bed next to Even, who slept on Isak’s pillow.

He looked at him for a while, lying on his side with his head resting on his hand as he carefully ran his fingers through Even’s hair. He leaned in closer, kissing him on the neck, gently, before he could put his head on his chest.

His heart. Isak loved the sound of his heart beating in his chest. 

Slowly, Even started to wake up. He took a deep breath and put his arms around Isak, holding him close.

“This is nice” he mumbled.

“Hey, you” Isak said.

“Morning, babe” 

“It’s still early, you don’t have to get up just now”

“Good, ‘cause I don’t think I’d be able to”

“You sound like you’ve been awake a while, though”

“I have”

“Why?”

“Couldn’t sleep”

“That sucks”

“Yes, it does” he said, smiling and running his hand on Even’s chest.

“I think I was dreaming of you”

“You were?”

“Yeah. You were showing me around a parallel universe”

“Showing’ you?”

Isak would never be able to tell Even just what this meant. How him, someone who didn’t quite believe the notion of multiverses, telling Isak how he had dreamed of it felt like.  
“Yeah, there was this machine you were holding, sorta like a VR-Goggle-microscope kinda thing, you know? It was how you could see into another layer”

“Another layer?”

“Beats me, I’m just repeating what dream-Isak told me”

“Go on”

“You showed me this place. It was weird, it looked like a memory, in black and white”

“Ah. An aesthetic parallel”

“It was a beach, I think. Or a waterfall. I don’t know. All I know is that there was a version of us there, looking up at the sky, talking about the stars and how they were called”

“Sounds like something we’d do”

“Exactly. Then, at one point you kissed me, saying you had to go, and you just walked away, like it was the easiest thing. I was so sad”

“I’m sorry” Isak said, smiling up at Even.

“I didn’t like that version. I actually said so in the dream. I said I preferred the version where you didn’t leave.”

“What did I say?”

“You said ‘go back to it, then’”

“So, a punk ass Isak?”

“Pretty much, yeah” he laughed.

“Then, what happened?”

“I asked how I could go back and you said I should just wake up. And so I did, and I was back to you, breathing on my chest” he said, happily.

“God, even your dreams are cute”

“Oh, yeah? How cute?”

Isak leaned in and kissed him, while both of them kept smiling. 

\\\

They made love all morning. Around lunch time, Even was laying on the floor, over the duvet next to the bed. He held Isak, who had his arm around Even’s waist and his head on his chest. 

"Once, when I was a kid, my parents took me to this amusement park that they had in town. I remember I got to ride the Ferris-wheel and eat as much candy floss as I could. It was so cool"

"How old were you?"

"I don't know, six or seven, maybe? I recall being at the top of the wheel and seeing the whole town from up there, it felt so good. I could almost forget that they'd been fighting for days and that that was probably what they were doing while I was up there"

"They'd been fighting?"

"Yeah, they did that a lot. When it got real bad they would just take me somewhere, like a park or the movies and try to make me have a good time"

"That's nice"

"Not really. It wasn’t something they did for my benefit. They only did it so they wouldn’t be interrupted. Anyway, when I was about eleven they stopped taking me places altogether"

"But they'd still fight?"

"Not as often. I think that's around the time my dad gave up. From that point on, they almost never fought. Or talked. Then one day, he left"

Even kept stroking Isak's hair. They both said nothing for a beat.

“I really hate your dad, babe” Even told him, seriously.

“You don’t have to hate him” Isak said. “You barely even met” he added.

“What he did to you? I can’t help but hate him for it”

Isak kissed him and adjusted himself on his chest.

"It's funny, I've never eaten candy floss since. Not once. I used to love it"

"Since you were eleven? Last time you had any candy floss you were eleven years old?" Even asked, surprised.

"Or rode the Ferris-wheel, yes"

"That's so wrong" 

"One of the last times they took me, I remember looking at all the couples and just thinking about what that was like, being with someone. I think it was the first time I've ever felt  
lonely like that. I dunno"

"How do you mean?"

"Well, I had felt lonely before that, but that was the first time I felt like being lonely was something that could involve another person. Like, that someone could somehow make it 

better, as though to make you feel less alone or something"

"You remember the first time you felt lonely?" Even softly asked him.

"Weird, huh?"

"Not weird. Sad"

"Everyone gets lonely, Even"

"Not all eleven year olds, babe. At least they shouldn't"

"You were never lonely as a kid?"

"Sure I was"

"Well"

"I don't like to think of _you_ being lonely"

Isak kissed his chest again, this time for a little longer.

"It's okay, baby" he told him, quietly.

"Did you ever feel lonely while being with someone?" 

“There weren’t that many people before you, Even. But, yes. Then I met you"

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I haven't felt lonely since. Have you?"

"Felt lonely since meeting you or before you?"

"Both"

"Not with you. Never with you"

"And before?"

"Sometimes, with Sonja. I never quite knew why, though. It was like there was always something missing, like I was always on the verge of it, but could never get it"

" _It_?"

"Something like a sort of peace or calm. An ease or something"

"I don't get it"

"I was always a little unhappy. And it had nothing to do with being bipolar, not really anyway. It was more like I knew she wasn't right"

"Oh"

"Then I saw you"

" _Saw_ me?"

"Yes. I saw you and it was like I got it. Like I knew what it was that was missing, what it felt like _I_ was missing"

"What was that?"

"I don't know. It wasn't one particular thing. It was more like a feeling or a hunch. I saw you and it made sense. I felt something that made sense. And I knew it was it. What I thought was missing. When I was with her it was nice, but ultimately it made no sense, not completely. You, however, you made sense"

"I did?"

"Complete sense. Still do"

"Do you ever think what it would've been like not to meet? If you hadn't gone to Nissen and hadn’t seen me? Ever think of that?"

"I can't say that I ever have, no"

"If we hadn't, though. Met, I mean. Do you think your life would've been better?"

"Better?"

"I'm not digging for a fight here, just to be clear. It's just something Magnus said once and I wondered about"

"I don't understand the question, though. How could it be better?" he asked, so innocently, Isak loved him for it.

"I don't know, _that's_ the question. Think of it as parallels. In a couple, we probably never did get to meet"

"I guess"

"Maybe you're still with Sonja, or with someone else, for that matter. Maybe you're married with seven kids running around a big, old, Hollywood house"

"Okay?"

"My point is, could any of those possibilities be better than this reality?"

"I doubt it"

"Odds are, they could be"

"I don't know about odds, but I know how I was right before we met, and if we hadn't? I don't think I would've been better off"

"Why?"

"I wasn't happy, Isak"

"Oh"

"I was miserable. The thing I felt like was missing? It was eating its way right through me. If we hadn't met, maybe those parallels would've ended up happening, but I would still  
feel like something was off, something missing. And there would be something missing, 'cause I wouldn't have known you"

Isak didn't say anything. He simply ran his index finger on Even's stomach and up his chest and down again, thinking about what he had said.

"How about you?" Even then asked him.

"What about me?"

"Would you be better off if we hadn't met?"

"No. Probably not"

"Elaborate?"

"Well, maybe in another universe I have a substance abuse problem or whatever. I just know about this one, ultimately"

"Let's discuss this one, then"

"This universe?"

"Sure. What if you had never met me? Would it all be easier?"

"Why _easier_?"

"I mean better"

"You have a specific aspect of me not meeting you that you think would make it easier?"

"You wouldn't get hurt as much, I think"

"What?"

"The bipolar thing, babe"

"Fuck, Even—"

"Well, it wouldn't be a problem"

"It _isn't_ a problem"

"Whatever. You wouldn't have that to deal with"

"I don't get hurt as often as you say, you know"

"Don't change the subject, babe"

"Would it be better? No, it wouldn't” he said, quickly. And I don't get hurt as often as you say I do" he made sure he added.

"Why wouldn't it be better?"

"I'd probably still be lonely. I'd still be the kid that rides the Ferris-wheel alone"

"Do you think we always find each other? In all the universes?"

"I hope so. I'd hate to think of a perpetually sad Isak or a lost Even, anywhere, in any universe"

"What about the happy ones?"

"Which happy ones?"

"The happy Evens and Isaks in different parallel universes. Do you think the ones that are happy are any different from us?" Even asked him.

"They must be. At least somewhat"

"What about happier?"

"I can't see how they would, no" Isak simply stated.

"Be serious, babe"

"There could be happier versions of us out there, I guess. But I can't imagine them. I can't think what that would be like"

"You can't imagine happier versions of us?"

"I can't imagine any version of us being better than this one, no"

"But we're not perfect. There must be a perfect version of us out there, somewhere"

"Perfect wouldn't mean better, I think. It could mean boring"

Even laughed.

"I hope they're in bigger number, though"

"Who?"

"The happy versions of us. I hope they outnumber the rest"

"Yeah. Me too.” 

“We should get up and change, right? It's getting late" 

"Must we? This is such a good minute"

\\\

Isak stood alone, leaning against one of the pillars from the tent, watching as Even and Sana slow danced.

Few things were better than watching Even move, he would often think. Except, maybe, watching Even smile as he moved. Seeing as he was doing both, Isak wouldn’t be able to say how long exactly it had been since he started to watch him. It didn’t matter, of course.

“Isak!” a rather familiar voice cried out.

When Isak turned around, he saw Eskild standing behind him, with Noora by his side. Both of them were smiling happily at Isak.

“Eskild? Noora!” Isak said as he hugged and kissed them both.

“How are you?” Noora asked him, still in his arms.

“Tell us everything” demanded Eskild.

“I’m fine. How are you two? It’s been too long” Isak said, honestly. “Where’s William?” he added, looking at Noora.

Eskild immediately shook his head, trying to warn Isak, but it was too late, Noora had already turned serious.

“We’re working things out. Separately. Again” she said, rather solemn.

“I’m sorry, Noora. I didn’t know”

“It’s alright, Isak. You’re the first one to know, actually. Aside from Eskild, that is”

“I always know first” Eskild said. “So, what are you doing? Who are you hiding from?” he continued.

“What?” 

“Hiding? Aren’t you hiding?” he explained.

“Oh! No. I’m not hiding. I’m just watching”

And as he said it, he turned his head and looked at Even and Sana dancing.

“Ah” Eskild said, sounding wise.

“Now, that’s a pretty sight” Noora said to him, smiling.

“He is”

“So, still perfect?” Eskild asked him.

“Still perfect, yes” Isak said, glancing at him before turning to face Noora and Eskild.

“He went to pick us up at the station, but I just wanted to hear you say it” Eskild told him.

“I’ve no problem admitting it, dude”

“Eva said he had an episode last week. He seems fine, though” Noora said.

“He did, but he’s alright. It was a short one, it barely lasted a week.” he told her. “The amount of stress he’s been under took its toll”

“But he is fine?” Eskild asked.

“Yes, Eskild. He’s fine”

“Good, ‘cause he’s coming this way and I wasn’t sure if I should be extra nice”

Even and Sana walked over after the song they were dancing to was over, and as Sana said ‘hello’ to Noora and Eskild, Even walked straight up to Isak, cupped his face and kissed him, enthusiastically.

Eventually, Sana, Noora and Eskild took notice and watched the two, waiting.

When Even pulled away he made sure to do it slowly, so he could look Isak in the eyes and wink at him before he spoke.

“You look beautiful, did you know?”

Isak could only stare at him, since all his energy was being directed to his legs and the task of standing up. Those damn knees, Isak thought. They always tend to buckle.

“Er, Even?” 

“Hi, Eskild. Having fun?” Even asked him, happily.

“Yes, it’s quite the reception, isn’t it? How are you?”

“Still fine, Eskild” he said. “Same as this afternoon” he concluded.

“Good, because as you know, there’s nothing quite as romantic as a wedding” he told him, looking at Isak.

“Plenty of things are more romantic than a wedding” Isak said, rolling his eyes.

But before Eskild could argue, Jonas walked over.

“Are you guys seeing that?” he asked Isak and Even, as he pointed towards the middle of the dancefloor.

Magnus and Vilde were slow dancing, looking like anything but mere friends.

“Oh, those two? I caught them making out in the kitchen, about an hour ago” Eskild casually commented.

“Fuck” Isak said.

“What if Astrid sees them?” Jonas asked them.

“He’s still with Astrid?” Noora asked, surprised.

“Who’s Astrid?” Eskild asked.

“Not for long, he isn’t” Sana told them, as they all turned to look at Magnus and Vilde kissing.

“We need to do something. Isn’t it bad luck for people to break up at other people’s weddings?” Jonas asked, nervous.

“It can’t be good luck” Eskild told him.

“I know, I’ll get the DJ to change the music, how’s that?” Even volunteered.

“Perfect!” Jonas said.

“Absolutely” Isak pointed out. Although to be fair, he didn’t mean Even’s idea.

Even walked away, making his way through the dancefloor and having to walk around couples slow dancing as he did.

“I knew Magnus wouldn’t be able to keep it in his pants” Jonas said to Isak, who simply nodded affirmatively.

He was looking at the DJ, and once Even was talking to him, he looked at Isak who, in turn, shook his head.

Eskild watched and caught Isak’s eye once Isak turned back to face the group, but neither of them said anything.

The music suddenly stopped, leaving the couples who were dancing, including Magnus and Vilde, somewhat confused. Adding to the overall feeling of confusion was the fact that, shortly after, a very upbeat rap started being played.

Even went back to where Isak and the rest were, this time almost not needing to walk around anyone, seeing as the couples who had been dancing began to walk away and go back to their tables.

“Sorry, all I could think of was rap, for some reason” Even apologetically told Jonas.

“Rap is perfect, man. Even if Magnus tries to dance to it, no one can possibly be aroused by that” Jonas said, smiling and high-fiving Even.

“Why is **Fuck Tha Police** being played at our wedding?” Eva asked Jonas, having just walked over. 

“Trust me, it was necessary” Sana told her.

“I can’t believe you guys are married!” Noora said, excitedly.

“Where are you going for your honeymoon?” Eskild asked them.

“We’re not, actually. We’re using the money we would spend to get a bigger place” Jonas told him.

“That’s… responsible” Eskild tried saying it without it sounding too much like a lie. 

“Everybody’s moving lately. Chris and me, Isak and Even, you two” Noora said to Eva.

“Magnus also, probably quite soon” Sana pointed out.

“Isak and Even haven’t gotten hitched yet. Emphasis on the ‘yet’” Eskild said.

Eva and Jonas instantly locked eyes, as well as Sana and Even. 

“You don’t have to be married to buy a house, Eskild” Even said.

That’s the sort of comment Isak wouldn’t mind, especially coming from Eskild. But he did mind the fact that they all seemed to have this shared, uncomfortable moment. As if it were somehow an inside joke.

“Yes, but they still got a new house. I want to see it, actually. Do you guys have any photos?” Noora asked them, clueless as to what was about to happen.

“Sure” Even said, reaching for his phone.

“When are you two going to do it?” Eskild asked.

And just like that, everyone froze.

“I need alcohol. I’ll be right back” Isak simply said, walking away.

“Isak?” Even called out, but Isak didn’t hear him.

“Fuck, Eskild” Jonas said.

“What?” 

“Edit button, Eskild. Turn it the fuck on, sometimes” Even said, before going after him.

\\\

Isak was watching the waves, standing at the beach, alone.

“Excuse me, sir? I’m looking for someone” Even said, as he stood behind Isak, a few feet away. 

He casually walked towards Isak, both hands in his pocket.

“Perhaps you’ve seen him?”

Isak turned to him, feeling so tired. Even simply smiled, kindly as always.

“It is pretty crowded. What does he look like?” Isak asked, playing along, but only because Even looked so fucking good under the moonlight.

“Tall, blonde, lovely eyes. Always biting his lip?” 

“I’m not sure” Isak said, unwillingly doing just that - biting his lip.

“Oh, then you haven’t” Even said while he shook his head. “You would’ve remembered if you’d seen him”

“I would?”

“He’s hard not to notice. Always the most beautiful person in the room, you know?”

“Isn’t the bride usually the most beautiful person at a wedding?”

“Not from where I’m standing” he said, with such warmth in his voice, Isak almost kissed him.

Instead he stood there, admiring Even for a beat.

“Am I bad for you, Even?”

“What?” a perplexed Even asked him.

“What I give you, is it enough?”

Even seemed genuinely startled by Isak’s question, which only made Isak feel worse.

“Of course it’s enough, Isak” 

And again, he said it with such warmth, it almost made it impossible for Isak to concentrate.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’m sure, babe”

“What if I can’t give you any more? What if this is it?”

“Isak, I don’t want anything you cannot give me”

It was the perfect thing to say, of course. It almost always was. 

They looked at each other for a moment, and then Isak turned and went back to facing the ocean.

“The first time I saw you manic, remember that?” Isak asked him, quietly.

“Of course I do”

“I took you home and tried taking care of you”

“You _did_ take care of me” Even corrected him.

“It was so scary. I remember I didn’t sleep, I was too terrified. I just looked at you, all night long”

Even watched him speak, curious.

“I was scared, because I felt so fucking impotent, all I wanted was to make you better. I also felt a bit amazed because… well, because there you were, in _my bed_ ”

Even smiled at him, tilting his head to the side, as if to get a better look.

“I wasn’t sure if I could touch you or not. I had no idea if it would make it better or worse” Isak continued.

“You’ve never told me that”

Isak stopped talking for a beat and just looked at Even. He could somehow see him, but not as he was now, not exactly. It was almost as if the memory of that night he had been recounting was somehow blending itself into this one, juxtaposing its images to that very moment at that beach. 

It made everything around them look distorted, hazy. But not Even. Even looked the same. Standing there, looking at him so fondly, stood the same person he had been so terrified of not being able to help, all those years ago.

It never ceased to amaze Isak how that could be. How he could always look at Even and see the boy he fell in love with, so distinctly, as if no time at all had passed, or, rather, as if time had indeed passed, but it had left him somehow unchanged.

No. Unchanged wasn’t the right word. Untarnished, maybe. 

It wasn’t time, Isak thought. It wasn’t in spite of time, either. What would amaze him was that he was able to feel precisely what he had felt when he was a kid and looked at Even. He could still feel it, and not because his memory was so clear or because what he used to feel was so intense. No. He could feel what he had felt before because it hadn’t changed. In all those years, after all that time, he never once felt nostalgic when thinking back to when they met, not towards how it felt, anyway. Because he still felt it. It’d been enhanced, shaped in a way only time and maybe love had a way of doing it. But the feeling itself was still there, untainted. 

Untainted. Yes, that was the word Isak was looking for.

“At one point, while you slept, you began to get a little agitated, so I kissed you. All the worry about maybe not being allowed to do so just… _vanished _. I just kissed you, like a reflex”__

__“Did it work?”_ _

__“Uh-huh. It did. You calmed down, almost instantly”_ _

__“You’ve always had that effect on me” Even said as he smiled._ _

__“It was that night. That’s when it happened” Isak told him, with a level of certainty that wasn’t ignored by Even._ _

__“When what happened?”_ _

__“It was that kiss, you see. I remember, so perfectly. Leaning in, slowly, and kissing you with my eyes open so I could be sure you were still asleep”_ _

__Even took a step closer to him._ _

__“I just wanted you to feel better, you know? And I remember I had no clue how I could help, so I just stayed up, making sure you were okay, kissing you occasionally and putting my hand on your chest just over your heart whenever you seemed to be having a nightmare and—“_ _

__“Isak—” he said, taking another step in his direction._ _

__“And deciding it, then and there, that whatever I could possibly have in me, whatever I could offer, was yours”_ _

__“Babe—“_ _

__Even tried getting closer to him, but Isak held up his hand, as if asking him to stop._ _

__“That’s why I’m asking you if what I give you is enough, Even. Because it’s all there is. It’s been yours for quite some time now, and if that’s somehow not quite—“_ _

__“It’s enough, Isak’ Even interrupted him, sounding so very determined._ _

__As he did so he took another two steps forward and put his palm over Isak’s stomach and his other hand over his shoulder. Isak instantly looked down._ _

__“You are my **love** , Isak” Even told him, tilting his head to the side as if trying to look him in the eye._ _

__“I don’t want to take stuff from you, Even” he confessed him, quietly, once again._ _

__“You don’t take anything away, Isak” Even told him, and as he did so, still with one hand over Isak’s stomach, but placing his other hand on the back of Isak’s head, grabbing hold of his hair._ _

__Isak remained looking down, so Even leaned in._ _

__“My love, Isak” he told him, whispering it softly in his ear._ _

__He had never heard him sound like that._ _

__Isak didn’t know what to say, so he just grabbed onto Even’s shirt, making fists with both hands and pulling himself against Even’s body as closely as he could._ _

__\\\_ _

__Even always seemed to know the right moment to stay quiet, Isak would often think. Regardless of the occasion, whether he did so after a fight, or when they lay in bed together, in the middle of the night after hours of sex, or even when Isak was sad or simply pensive. Even always knew when Isak needed the quiet._ _

__Isak would sometimes let himself wonder about what went on in Even’s mind as he did it. Was he really so understanding? Did he maybe go over their conversation, like Isak often did? Or - and this is what Isak hated to consider - did he find himself regretting ever having pursued Isak in the first place?_ _

__There was no way of knowing, of course. He would, however, always notice how whenever they stayed silent like that, as Isak would gradually get comfortable and loosen up in his arms and his body would become less tensed up, Even would eventually be the first one to talk. The fact that he waited for Isak to calm down was quite amazing – at least it was to Isak._ _

__And it wasn’t different that night. Even held Isak for a good five minutes without saying a single word._ _

__“We still haven't danced" he noted, and Isak could tell by his voice he was smiling._ _

__Isak pulled his head from Even’s chest and looked up at him. Yes, there it was, that smile._ _

__"Yeah, about that—"_ _

__"You're dancing with me, Valtersen" Even said, turning serious._ _

__"But I hate dancing, Even. I'm not nearly as drunk as I usually need to be in order to dance" he pleaded._ _

__"We'll dance to a very slow song. We can do it here, if you like"_ _

__"Here?"_ _

__"Sure. The music's loud enough"_ _

__"Okay” Isak said, realizing he couldn’t say _no_. At least not without feeling like shit for doing it, and breaking a perfectly lovely heart in the process._ _

__“When the music slows down we can dance" he told him._ _

__"Yeah?" Even's face lit up, which made Isak smile. "I can go in real quick and ask them to play one of our songs" he said, excitedly and raising both eyebrows._ _

__"I'm not dancing to Gabrielle, Even"_ _

__"You're no fun" he said, faking disappointment. "What would you like to dance to?"_ _

__"I don't know. Surprise me?"_ _

__"I'll see what I can do. I'll be right back" he said, giving Isak a quick kiss on the cheek and turning to go talk to the DJ._ _

__"You're way too excited about a dance" Isak said, smiling, as he watched Even go._ _

__"A dance with _you_ , Isak Valtersen. I get to dance with _you_ " Even shouted, pointing at Isak and giving the biggest of smiles under the light of the moon. _ _

__He turned back to watch the waves for a few minutes, so lost in thought he didn’t even notice Jonas approaching him._ _

__“Hey, man”_ _

__“Mr. Mohn” Isak said, smiling._ _

__“What are you doing out here, alone?” he asked, as he stood next to Isak._ _

__“Oh, you know. Thinking”_ _

__“Of course”_ _

__“Why are you out here? Shouldn’t you be dancing with your wife?”_ _

__“Ooh, I love how that sounds. You’re the first person to refer to her as my wife”_ _

__“Feels good?”_ _

__“Fucking awesome” he said, beaming._ _

__“Cool”_ _

__Jonas watched the waves with him for a beat, before Jonas spoke again._ _

__“Remember when we used to come out here? You, me and Eva?”_ _

__“Uh-huh” Isak said, nodding._ _

__“I used to love that. The three of us, hanging out” Jonas said, honestly._ _

__He took out a blunt from his tux’ inside pocket, casually lighting it as Isak watched him, amused._ _

__“Now?” Isak asked him, looking back as to make sure they were alone._ _

__“I’m married, Isak, I’m not dead” he joked. “I wanted to do this before the ceremony, but I couldn’t find you. So, after, it is” he added._ _

__“Like a rite of passage, of sorts?”_ _

__“Something like that” he said, trying not to exhale and passing the blunt to Isak._ _

__Isak looked at him for a beat, before taking the blunt and inhaling a couple of times._ _

__“Did you know it? Back then?” Jonas casually asked him._ _

__“You mean—? “_ _

__He nodded, and so did Isak._ _

__“Yeah. I guess I did. I couldn’t really think too much about it, but I did know it”_ _

__“Did I— Was I like, alright?”_ _

__As he said it, he took back the joint from Isak._ _

__“I don’t know that I understand the question”_ _

__“It’s just— You knew it back then, and yet it took you years to come out to me”_ _

__“Well, to be fair, you were the first one I came out to, so”_ _

__“I was?” Jonas asked him, extremely proud._ _

__“Of course, dude”_ _

__“Nice”_ _

__“I still don’t get what you’re asking, though” Isak pointed out, taking the blunt from him and blowing the end of it, before inhaling again._ _

__“I was wondering if you felt like you couldn’t tell me. When you started to find out. I don’t know. I wanted to know if I was somehow responsible for you taking so long to do it. Something I said or did, the way I acted, that sort of thing”_ _

__“What?” Isak asked him, truthfully perplexed._ _

__“Was I shitty? That friend that just makes you feel like you can’t be yourself?”_ _

__“Dude, you’re my best friend”_ _

__“I know, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a shitty one”_ _

__“You’re a good friend, Jonas. You’ve always been a good friend. That’s like your biggest talent”_ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__Isak nodded._ _

__Somehow, the blunt was almost finished. Jonas took it from Isak and inhaled it one last time, looking a little disappointed._ _

__“Look what I got” Isak told him, as he took out a blunt from his own inside jacket pocket and held it up for Jonas to see, grinning._ _

__“What the fuck?” he said, excitedly taking it and lighting it._ _

__“Turns out, we think alike” he said, smiling._ _

__“You’re a good man, Isak”_ _

__They took turns smoking as they talked and watched the ocean._ _

__“Why were you thinking of that?”_ _

__“I just wanted to make sure I didn’t make it harder. I don’t know, I’ve always hoped I hadn’t”_ _

__“You didn’t” Isak said, reassuring him._ _

__“Good”_ _

__“I just wasn’t ready, you know?”_ _

__Jonas simply looked at him, interested._ _

__“What it meant? I guess I knew it, back then. But I didn’t quite accept it. Not until—“_ _

__“Even?”_ _

__“Kinda. Not really, though. I mean— By then, I’d already had the time to accept it, and in a way I had. Then, when I saw him I was just like _'well'_ ” he said, holding out both hands as if to show Jonas something._ _

__“And you’ve never regretted it?”_ _

__“Regretted what?”_ _

__“Diving in, like you two did. Going from strangers to soulmates in a heartbeat like that?”_ _

__“It was never a choice, dude. Not really”_ _

__“Sucker” he joked, and both of them laughed._ _

__“I never considered it as anything but what it felt like”_ _

__“And how did it feel like?”_ _

__“Real?”_ _

__“Nice” Jonas said, nodding._ _

__“Like you and Eva, really”_ _

__“I know. It’s just, we screwed it up a few times. You guys never did”_ _

__“We’ve come close”_ _

__“But you never did”_ _

__“I guess not, no”_ _

__“I’m sorta asking for advice here, best man”_ _

__“You don’t need advice from me. I don’t even like marriage. I’m having trouble with the mere idea of saying ‘yes’ to him. No, I’m afraid I’m not the right person for advice, dude”_ _

__“You’re the smartest person I know, and the bravest, probably. Also, you know quite well about all those things you mentioned, you just fear them, it’s different” he said. “You’re the perfect person to give out advice, man”_ _

__“Are you high? Oh, wait” Isak said._ _

__They both laughed._ _

__“What do you need, Jonas?”_ _

__“How can I make this be forever?”_ _

__“Do you feel like it will be?”_ _

__“I want it to. I do, actually, yes”_ _

__“Then, make sure you don’t forget that. Also—“_ _

__“Yes?”_ _

__“Don’t hold back. Love, as much as you possibly can. And let her know it, as much as you possibly can”_ _

__“Okay. I can do that”_ _

__“Hold her, too. Like, a lot. Even when she’s not asking for it – especially when she’s not asking for it” he said. “Just trust me on this one” he added._ _

__“Got it” Jonas said, as he nodded._ _

__They watched the water for a beat, in silence._ _

__“Isak?”_ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__“Thanks, dude”_ _

__“For what?”_ _

__“Being my best man. All this time.”_ _

__“It’s an honor, dude” he says, and they hug._ _

__As they do, a couple walks past them and head to the beach, where they proceed to make out rather intensely and take their clothes off. Neither one can’t tell exactly who they are, but they do look quite familiar to both._ _

__"Don't they know we see them?" Isak asked._ _

__"Maybe they don't mind?"_ _

__Isak takes a better look, squinting as he finally realizes who they are._ _

__“Well, we should. That’s Magnus and Vilde, right there”_ _

__“What?! No!”_ _

__“I’m high, but I’m pretty sure it’s them”_ _

__“Oh my God” Jonas said, moving slowly closer to get a better look._ _

__While the two watch them, Even arrived. And just as he does, Gabrielle started playing._ _

__“Hey Jonas” Even happily said._ _

__“Even. I see you had a chat with the DJ?” Jonas asked him, smiling._ _

__“I got Isak to agree to dance with me” he told him, beaming._ _

__“Ah. I’ll leave you to it, then”_ _

__He took the blunt from Isak’s hand._ _

__“You can’t dance while smoking” he firmly stated, before heading back to the party._ _

__Even turns to Isak, still smiling._ _

__“Gabrielle?” Isak asked, trying not to smile._ _

__"I only did it so I'd have enough time to get to you before the actual song we're going to dance to starts" Even explained._ _

__"I'm sure" Isak said, unconvinced, as he grabbed Even's hand and started walking away from the beach._ _

__"Wait, weren't we doing it here?"_ _

__"Magnus and Vilde had the same idea, apparently"_ _

__Even didn't understand, but gladly followed Isak._ _

__\\\_ _

__Once back to the party, they see Sana, who was talking to Eskild and Noora._ _

__"Hey Sana" Even happily says._ _

__"You have the worst taste in music, Even" she tells him, to which he just laughs._ _

__“Isak, can we talk?” Eskild asked him, looking oddly serious._ _

__“Er, I’m kinda busy now, Eskild” he told him, still holding Even’s hand._ _

__“I just wanted to apologize for, er, maybe not being very prudent… in the way in which I perceived the situation and—“_ _

__“Eskild?” Isak interrupted him._ _

__“Uh?”_ _

__Sana, Even and Noora watched the two interact._ _

__“It’s fine. We’re good” he reassured him, smiling._ _

__“Yeah?” Eskild asked, happily looking at them all._ _

__“Absolutely. We can talk, if you want, but right now I promised Even a dance, so”_ _

__“Are you two dancing to a specific song?” Noora asked._ _

__“Yeah, Even requested one” Isak told her._ _

__“So you just know it’s good” Sana said, unable to not smile at Even, who did his best to look insulted._ _

__The music started to fade, and as it did, Even - still holding Isak's hand - pressed it firmly._ _

__"Babe?" he said, looking at Isak, almost nervous._ _

__"It's not a bad song, is it?" Isak asked him, doing it mostly just to bug him._ _

__"Does it matter?" he asked, tilting his head to the side._ _

__Sana, Noora and Eskild smiled at Isak._ _

__Isak bit his lip and turned around, leading the way to the dance floor. As he did, the first chords to _Space Oddity_ started playing, and it made him stop, almost instinctly. Even almost didn't, bumping into him._ _

__"What's wrong?"_ _

__Isak turned around and looked at him._ _

__"I love this song"_ _

__"Yeah, I know"_ _

__Even placed both hands on Isak's waist, as Isak put his hands on Even's chest, grabbing his shirt and making fists, before pulling him closer and kissing him._ _

__"Hi" Isak said, biting his lip and looking at Even, fondly._ _

__"Glad to have you back" Even said, kindly. "What were you and Jonas talking about?"_ _

__"No. No Jonas, no Sana, no Eskild or anyone else. Right now it's just you, me and Bowie"_ _

__"Okay” he said, smiling._ _

__They danced for a bit, without breaking eye contact once. As they did, Eskild and Noora started dancing, too. So did Sana and Yousef, Chris and Mahdi and Eva and Jonas._ _

__“I don't get why you don't like dancing. You're so good at it" he added._ _

__"I don't like the attention all that much"_ _

__"Well, you've got mine"_ _

__"Yours I like"_ _

__“And some of our friends’” Even pointed out._ _

__Turns out, they were all dancing and pretending not to look at Even and Isak._ _

__He simply smiled and looked back at Even._ _

__"I can't believe you chose a space related song to dance to"_ _

__"Even though it's a bit long?"_ _

__"They could put it on repeat, for all I care" Isak admitted._ _

__"What if the next one is one of mine?"_ _

__"Even better"_ _

__"I should've requested more than just the one" he told him, smiling._ _

__"Were you unsure I'd agree to dance?"_ _

__"I was hopeful you would. You always do it, eventually"_ _

__"Of course I do. You're like a kid whenever you have a chance to dance"_ _

__Even smiled, kissing Isak softly and holding him close._ _

__“Who taught you to dance?” Even asked him._ _

__“Eva. You?”_ _

__“My grandma”_ _

__Isak smiled. That was such a typical Even piece of trivia._ _

__“She would’ve liked you, I think”_ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__“Oh, yes. She had but one rule: love someone who is kind”_ _

__“I’m not that kind”_ _

__“You hate marriage, yet you helped the bride buy her dress, choose the cake, walked her down the aisle, was the best man and is now dancing with me, even though you don’t like dancing. You’re kind, Isak”_ _

__“I’m not dancing with you because I’m kind”_ _

__“Oh, yeah?”_ _

__“I just like it when you hold me. It’s quite selfish of me, really” he said, smiling._ _

__“I love holding you”_ _

__“Good, ‘cause you’re gonna have to keep doing it, for quite some time”_ _

__“I plan on it”_ _

__“How long, do you think?”_ _

__“As long as you make me feel like this”_ _

__“And how’s that?”_ _

__Even took hold of Isak’ right hand and held it up to his chest, over his heart._ _

__“Feel that?”_ _

__Isak could feel Even’s heart beating over his shirt, rather fast._ _

__He looked at Even and didn’t say anything, he simply looked up and then back down again at his hand over his heart a couple of times._ _

__“That’s a bit faster than it should, right?”_ _

__Isak always knew Even’s heart was strong. Whenever he would lie on his chest, he’d count its beats per minute. When they were younger, it wasn’t anything Isak thought twice about, but as they grew a bit older, he would sometimes do it to make sure it was beating within a healthy range of 60 to 70 bpm’s. He never knew Even noticed._ _

__“It’s you”_ _

__“What do you mean, me?”_ _

__“It gets like that around you. Always has”_ _

__“Come on, Even, that’s such a line”_ _

__“I’m totally serious. Here, see for yourself”_ _

__Isak still had his hand on Even’s chest._ _

__“How?”_ _

__“Well, tell me something that happened today. Something irrelevant”_ _

__He looked at Even and squinted, still somewhat doubtful._ _

__“I talked to Eva while she looked like The Hulk this morning, how’s that?”_ _

__Even laughed, while Isak felt his heart still beating at the same speed, almost unchanging._ _

__“The Hulk?”_ _

__“I called her Mrs. Banner, but it was lost on her”_ _

__He laughed even more, as they both glanced over at her and Jonas dancing._ _

__“Cool. Now, tell me something different” Even told him._ _

__“Like what?”_ _

__“Say something romantic. Something about us, anything you can think of”_ _

__“Romantic?”_ _

__“Well, yeah. Or, something that’s nice. You know, intimate. Something you would say to me so I would smile or kiss you”_ _

__He looked at Even for a beat before speaking._ _

__“I hope the next song is one of yours, even if it’s Gabrielle, because I don’t care about what music we dance to, as long as we can get to stay like this. As long as you keep holding me like this” Isak said, as Even’s heart started beating faster as he spoke, which made Isak widen his eyes._ _

__“Holy shit!” he told him, pulling away, like reflex._ _

__“Turns out, it’s you” Even simply said._ _

__“Fuck, Even” a somewhat worried Isak said._ _

__“Relax, babe. It just speeds up, once in a while”_ _

__“But, not all the time, right?”_ _

__“No. Not all the time”_ _

__“Good” he said, relieved._ _

__“ _Good_? You should take it as a compliment”_ _

__“I don’t want your heart literally racing uncontrollably, Even. I need it to be a strong one”_ _

__“It is strong”_ _

__“It better be”_ _

__“You’re such a nut, babe” he said, grinning._ _

__As the remainder of _Space Oddity_ plays in the background, they dance, silently admiring each other, almost unable to look away.  
It’s one of those moments, Isak can’t help but notice. One of those times when they are quiet and yet so loud, and a single second of looking at each other’s eyes is enough for them to talk about so much without the utterance of a single word. _ _

__So much can go through Isak’ mind during those seconds. He can vividly remember something, be it a day or a feeling of something he experienced years ago. He can be transported back and forwards through time, either recalling some particular way Even looked one day or being able to get a glimpse of what their life is going to look like, seven years from now._ _

__A lot can happen in a second._ _

__The music changed, and as it did, **The 1975** ’s _fallingforyou_ started to play._ _

__“Do you want to go sit? I only picked Bowie, not this one” Even said._ _

__“I know, I picked this one”_ _

__He looked at Isak, confused._ _

__“You? When?”_ _

__“This afternoon, when the DJ got here”_ _

__“But- How?” Even said, beautifully perplexed._ _

__“How did I time it?”_ _

__“Uh-huh”_ _

__“I just pointed you out to him and told him to play it after the one you picked”_ _

__“You knew I’d ask you to dance?”_ _

__“Hoped you would, yes” he said, nodding as he smiled. “You love to dance, Even” he explained._ _

__This time, Even was the one who made fists with his hands on Isak’s shirt, under his jacket, on his lower back. He pulled him close and kissed him, unable to do so without smiling._ _

__\\\_ _

__Isak lay in bed and under the duvet, alone, while Even finished taking a shower, when his phone vibrated._ _

__**"You left early. Is everything alright?"** Sana texted him._ _

__The fact that she would text wasn't as telling as what she texted about. She was worried, or consciously making an effort. Either way, it made Isak smile._ _

__**"I just have a migraine, but I’m fine, Sana. Nothing to worry about. Thanks, though"** _ _

__**"Okay. Call me if you need to, anyway"** _ _

__**"Will do, bud"** he wrote back, quickly, before turning his phone off._ _

__He didn't think he would need to talk, but he made a mental note as to call her in the morning to ask her out to lunch during the week all the same._ _

__Even came out of the bathroom just as Isak put his phone down on the bedside table._ _

__Isak loved watching Even get dressed. He'd spend all but three seconds putting a t-shirt on, another five on his pajama bottoms, but the hair? The hair took at least five minutes to be just as he wanted it, regardless of whether or not he was fixing it up only to have Isak mess it all up once he got a chance to._ _

__He got in bed next to Isak and turned around to face him._ _

__"Are you tired?" he asked him as he pulled his hair back over his forehead - also something Isak loved witnessing._ _

__"Not really. You?"_ _

__"I'm wide awake. Like, really awake, the shower is amazing"_ _

__Same thing happened when they went to Sana and Yousef's wedding, Isak thought. Even would get quite excited on weddings, which was always kind of adorable to Isak. Oddly enough, it never bothered him. Maybe because it was so genuine, or maybe because Isak liked seeing Even happy. It didn't matter, though. All the wedding drama was somehow not something Isak was freaking out about anymore. He felt calm, like he could even talk about it and not get sad or nervous, or secretly terrified._ _

__"Even?"_ _

__"Yes, babe?"_ _

__"Are you happy?"_ _

__"Of course"_ _

__"No, don't answer it like that, like a reflex. Take the time to consider the question and then answer it" he told him, kindly._ _

__He stopped and looked serious for a moment._ _

__"I am. I’m happy, Isak" Even said, with a tone that was both truthful and a bit confused._ _

__"Good" Isak simply said, before scooting over closer to Even, so he'd hold him._ _

__**That** was a reflex. It came naturally to Even. Whenever Isak would scoot over he would readily put his arms around him, kiss his forehead and adjust his body onto Isak's.  
"Why do you ask?" Even asked him, softly._ _

__"I don't know. I just thought I should. I think it's something we should ask from time to time, if only to make sure we're paying enough attention. I mean, it matters, more than a lot of other things we tend to ask randomly and almost instinctively, like _'how was your day?'_ or something"_ _

__"Well, I am. You make me very happy" Even said._ _

__"Enough to say it twice?"_ _

__"Enough to keep saying it. I'm quite happy, babe"_ _

__Isak turned his head and kissed Even's neck, before adjusting himself in such a way that he had his head rested on Even's chest - which he also kissed._ _

__"Are you happy?"_ _

__"Oh, yes. Very much so. I'm happy" Isak said, making sure he also said it twice as well._ _

__"How's your head?" Even asked, gently rubbing his finger in a circle on Isak's left temple._ _

__"Still hurts a little, but it feels better when you do that" he said as he closed his eyes._ _

__"The medication should kick in a while. I'll keep doing this until it does"_ _

__"Thanks, baby" Isak said, kissing his chest again. "I hope we always do this"_ _

__"Do what?"_ _

__"Talk like this. Take time to just talk, you know? In the future"_ _

__"Can you imagine us doing this when we're fifty?" Even asked, smiling._ _

__"That's specific" Isak noticed._ _

__"Don't you think that far ahead?"_ _

__"Sure, but fifty? I don't know that I'll be alive at fifty"_ _

__"Shut up, Valtersen"_ _

__"Well—"  
" _'Odds are'_ , I know. You know I don't like that kind of talk"_ _

__"Okay, so tell me, then"_ _

__"What?"_ _

__"Our future. Tell me about our future"_ _

__"Let's see. I'll keep making films, most of which will be about you because, who am I kidding?" he said, smiling as Isak kissed his chest again._ _

__"You'll get tenure and get published; we'll travel a lot, everywhere, until eventually we'll retire and buy a cabin, sorta like this one, only smaller and in a quieter town, where we can escape to" he continued._ _

__"How will it _be_ , though?"_ _

__"Mostly happy. Sure, we'll have our share of troubles, which I'll probably be mostly to blame for, I suspect. But I think it'll be like it is now. Except for some things"  
"Such as?" Isak asked, ignoring the need to hit him._ _

__"Well, some things will change, others won't. It's kind of a given, right? But, _this_? We'll always do this. I'll always hold you like this and you'll always breathe on my neck and my chest and tickle me like that"_ _

__"Sorry" Isak said, attempting to adjust himself, but Even stopped him._ _

__"Don't be, it feels awesome"_ _

__"What else?"_ _

__"I'll always be able to come back, simply by looking at you hard enough, whenever I'm too depressed. Those minutes will always be like that: as much as I may feel like it's all hopeless, I'll always be able to survive them by looking at you and seeing the way you look at me – which is pretty much one of the highest compliments I can give you, you know"_ _

__"How do I look at you?"_ _

__"Exactly the same way as when I'm not manic. There's never any judgement or anger in the way you look at me, no matter how badly I screw up or how cruel I sometimes tend to get._ _

__“Even—“_ _

__"But you know, we're talking about time here, so some things are bound to change. We'll probably have less sex than we do today, for instance"_ _

__"That's the saddest thing you've ever said to me, Even" Isak said, seriously, and making Even laugh._ _

__"It tends to happen, though. Imagine, getting old? Who'd want to have sex with an old Even?"_ _

__"Old Isak?"_ _

__"You think we'll have the strength?"_ _

__"Fuck, yes, we'll have the strength. We'll have to adjust our moves to all the pains and stuff, but hey, that's what drugs are for?"_ _

__They both smile and fall silent for a minute, each lost in their own thoughts._ _

__"Growing old. It's such a weird concept" Even commented._ _

__"It's fucking terrifying”_ _

__"I'll take care of you, though" he said, casually._ _

__“Even if I can’t remember who I am?”_ _

__“I’ll remind you”_ _

__“Or where I am?”_ _

__“I’ll keep telling you”_ _

__“Deal”_ _

__“Even if you forget about me”_ _

__“Oh, that won’t happen”_ _

__“No?”_ _

__“I can’t forget you, Even”_ _

__Even kissed Isak’s head, taking his time before pulling away._ _

__"Do you want kids?" Isak asked him, curious all of a sudden._ _

__"Do you?"_ _

__"I'm pretty certain that's a _no_. However, imagine a tiny Even running around, being all artsy?"_ _

__Even laughed._ _

__"I don't know about that. A tiny bipolar?"_ _

__"You turned out okay"_ _

__"I found _you_. What if tiny Even doesn't get to find his Isak?"_ _

__"I'm not why you turned out fine, Even"_ _

__"You've more to do with it than you think, babe"_ _

__And with that, Isak began to experience a weird feeling in his chest. Nothing bad, necessarily. Just weird, as if Even had started to press his body onto Isak's a bit too hard, which he hadn't._ _

__"So do you" Isak tells him._ _

__Even ran his fingers on Isak's hair and kissed the top of his head again._ _

__"You know those machines that tell you your future? You know, the ones that you find at amusement parks and shit?"_ _

__"Like in _Big_?"_ _

__"Yeah, those. Once, it told me I was going to have two kids"_ _

__"Two?"_ _

__"It also told me I'd find the woman of my dreams by age twenty, so it clearly knew shit about predicting people's futures"_ _

__"Well, the pronoun was wrong"_ _

__"And the age. I met you way before that"_ _

__Even stopped touching his temple, as well as running his fingers on his head, which made Isak look up._ _

__"Come here" he said, touching Isak's face._ _

__It was a single kiss, the kind they'd shared millions of times. It still took Isak's breath away._ _

__When Even pulled away, Isak didn't move. Rather, he looked quite seriously back at him._ _

__"More" Isak told him._ _

__Even leaned in and started kissing him, turning on his back as Isak climbed on top of him. They kissed for the longest time, watching each other every now and then, completely focused on each other._ _

__It felt like it had always felt, Isak thought. Like he could do that until the end of time._ _

__\\\_ _

__Isak woke up in the middle of the night with Even stroking his hair, still holding him. He hadn't planned on sleeping, and the fact that it was still dark out made him rather confused._ _

__He put his hand on Even's arm, which was stretched over him, and turned around to look at him._ _

__"Shit, how long was I out for?" he asked, trying his best to open his eyes._ _

__"Almost an hour. I think the medication got the best of you"_ _

__"Jesus. I feel like I lost a day or something"_ _

__"Did it help? With the pain?"_ _

__Isak took a moment and realized he no longer felt any pain._ _

__"It did, actually. It's gone"_ _

__"Good. Then I'll forgive you for sleeping while kissing me"_ _

__"I slept on your mouth? Don't tell me that! I'm so sorry, baby" Isak said, absolutely horrified._ _

__Isak hid his head on Even's chest, in pure shame._ _

__"I suck" he mumbled._ _

__"I wish" he said, trying not to laugh. "It's fine, Isak. At least you've no more pain"_ _

__"Not in my head, but my pride?” he said, still hiding. “Did you sleep?"_ _

__"Nah, I had to jerk off since you stopped doing _that_ too"_ _

__"Oh my god!" he said, hiding his face with his hands and still with his head on Even’s chest._ _

__Even laughed, enjoying Isak's horror._ _

__"I'm kidding, babe. I didn't sleep, and you didn't fall asleep mid-kiss, either. We stopped before that. Then, I just watched you sleep, so I could make sure you were okay"_ _

__"Dumbass" Isak said, as Even laughed._ _

__After a beat, Isak grabbed Even's t-shirt with both hands and adjusted himself closer to him._ _

__"Are you cold?" Even asked._ _

__"No."_ _

__"But you're shaking" he pointed out, rubbing his back, gently, to warm him up._ _

__"I know. I'm not cold"_ _

__"Why are you shaking?" Even asked, holding him as close as he could in order to warm him up._ _

__"Those things you said before, about the future? Do you really think it'll be like that? Us, together, all that time?" Isak asked, ignoring him._ _

__"I do. Don't you?"_ _

__"I do, it’s a nice thought"_ _

__"You're still shaking, Isak"_ _

__"You can see yourself being happy with me all that time?"_ _

__"I can't see how I could be happy without you" he said, quickly. "I really don't understand why you're shaking. Do you have a fever? Come here" Even said, trying to feel Isak's forehead._ _

__"It's nothing, really. I'm good"_ _

__"You don't seem to have a temperature. Maybe it was the painkiller? Mixed with the alcohol? How much pot did you and Jonas smoke?" Even said, clearly worried._ _

__"Even, stop. I'm fine. Listen—"_ _

__"But you're not, Isak. You don't seem to be cold, or feverish. I don't think you drank that much, but maybe—"_ _

__"Even—"_ _

__"If we were home I'd make you some tea. I'll just go down to the kitchen to see if there’s any, right after I get you in the shower" Even said, ignoring him._ _

__"Even, do you think maybe you could see yourself—" Isak begins to say, nervously._ _

__"Stop talking and get up, Isak. Let's get you in the water" Even tells him as he begins to pull away in order to stand up. Isak stops him, grabbing his t-shirt, looking serious._ _

__" **Marry me, Even** "_ _

__The moment he said it, he stopped shaking. Even, however, seemed to stop breathing. He didn't seem to think he’d heard Isak correctly, for he looked back at him with a _'what the fuck' look that Isak couldn't help but find endearing.__ _

___"What did you just say?"_ _ _

___"Marry me, Even Bech Næsheim"_ _ _

___Even stared at Isak, absolutely frozen._ _ _

___"Will you?" Isak said, still smiling._ _ _

___But even still looked utterly shocked._ _ _

___"Will I what?"_ _ _

___"Marry me, baby" Isak said, again, biting his lip._ _ _

___"But you don't do marriage, Isak” he said, as if trying to remind himself. “Why are you doing this?" he went on._ _ _

___"Because I want to marry you"_ _ _

___"Are you sure you don't have a fever?" Even seemed unconvinced, and apparently believed Isak to be delirious._ _ _

___Isak simply nodded, smiling back at him._ _ _

___"You, Isak Valtersen, have changed your mind about marriage?"_ _ _

___"Not quite. I still have mixed feelings towards it. I don't, however, have any mixed feelings about you"_ _ _

___"But what about the fact that you think it doesn't last? That it may ruin us?"_ _ _

___"Do you think it would?"_ _ _

___"I've never thought that it could"_ _ _

___"Good"_ _ _

___"It doesn't scare you anymore?"_ _ _

___"A lot scares me, Even. You, don’t"_ _ _

___"I don’t?" Even repeated, still looking quite shocked._ _ _

___"No. I was afraid of what could happen after, like years after. But it was never about any sort of doubt I had regarding you – or us. If anything it was because of how much I feel for you"_ _ _

___"Why change your mind? Don't get me wrong, I just— I think I need to know"_ _ _

___"Because of you" he simply told Even._ _ _

___"Me? What did I do?"_ _ _

___"Nothing. Well, everything, in fact. I trust you, Even. And I want to have everything we can possibly have together. I want all of it"_ _ _

___"Including marriage?"_ _ _

___"Yes. Including marriage" Isak smiled._ _ _

___"You're **sure** , Isak?"_ _ _

___"It's fact, you see”_ _ _

___“Fact?” he repeated._ _ _

___“I want to get to tell you all the things I think about you and feel for you. I want to have you know that everything is somehow better because you exist, that I'm somehow better _because_ you exist. I want to make sure you know I do think of the future, and that the only future that interests me is the one that has you in it. I want to be able to tell you all these things, baby, and all the others things I've yet to say to you. I want to get to call you _husband_ and kiss you and hold on to you whenever things seem hopeless or I just feel like it. Because you're it for me, Even, and all the minutes we get to spend together are the best minutes I'll ever have"_ _ _

___But Even doesn't react. He's still shocked, and the time it takes him to respond starts to freak Isak out._ _ _

___It's what happens when you take too fucking long to make up your mind, Isak thought. What if he says _no_? Fuck, he could say _no_. Then, what? _ _ _

___"I know I've made a mess out of this, by never really talking about it? But it took me a while to understand that it's not about any fear I may have or some abandonment issue that I clearly _do_ have. It's ultimately about us, Even. About what makes us us" he continued, because anything was better than silence at this point._ _ _

___"You never told me" Even finally said._ _ _

___"I know—"_ _ _

___"What makes us us. We got interrupted that night and you never got to tell me"_ _ _

___"Oh, that?"_ _ _

___"Tell me, Isak" he asked him._ _ _

___"What makes us us?"_ _ _

___"Yes. Please tell me"_ _ _

___"You, holding me when I'm cold, Even. Or me, taking care of you when you get sick. The jokes we tell and the laughs and fights and the fact that you read my mind more often than I'd care to admit it. It's how you obsess about taking care of me and how whenever something bad happens I need to tell you, just as badly as when something good does, because you're always the one person I want knowing what's going on. We are the choices we make together – as well as our mistakes. The moments when we say nothing and still can tell exactly what the other one is thinking – although right now I'm not being able to do that" he says, almost in one breath._ _ _

___Even smiled, but remained silent, looking at Isak, who simply continued._ _ _

___"Or the way you know how and where to kiss me to make me melt – or get me to forgive you. It's how I can tell if you're getting sad and need to be reassured that it'll pass, just by how you move and the way your eyes change. We are all those moments, Even. All those minutes. And it adds up to a life – our life. And how scary it is to think you may one day leave, but at the same time how absolutely wonderful it is to have that fear, because I only get that scared thinking about it because it’s you, Even. I can’t imagine how it would be like to not be able to see you every day, or touch you or kiss your skin”_ _ _

___He kept looking at Isak, but at this point Isak couldn’t tell anymore what Even was thinking, or if he looked sad or happy or angry or…_ _ _

___He was freaking out. Isak was absolutely freaking out. He was also crying, apparently. He hadn’t noticed, only realizing it when Even reached out and wiped a tear from his cheek._ _ _

___“Or how you make me feel whenever you have your arms around me? You hold me, even when I don’t ask for you to do so, because you know I always want you to. And you never refuse, you are always ready to hold me – and I don’t know if I thank you enough for that—”_ _ _

___"Wait" Even says, sitting up. Isak mimics him, by now absolutely, one-hundred percent, properly fucking terrified._ _ _

___"It's one thing if you're doing this because you want to. It's quite another if you're only doing it because you know that _I_ want to"_ _ _

___"I don't know that. I don’t know that you want to. I'm actually starting to seriously worry you may not" Isak confessed, looking down at his hands, running his fingers on the patterns on the duvet. He's begun shaking again, which Even noticed._ _ _

___Even didn't say anything for a moment, the longest moment of Isak's life. He could't look up. He couldn't face Even. Shit, what if he was going to say _no_?_ _ _

___Even put his hand on top of Isak's, stopping him from continuing to run his fingers on the duvet. He still couldn't bring himself to look up, but he did squeeze Even's hand on his, rather firmly, as Even squeezed back._ _ _

___"Will you?" Isak says, almost in a whisper, still looking down._ _ _

___He was afraid that if he said it any louder it'd make him cry._ _ _

___“Isak?”_ _ _

___Even sounded so gentle, and yet Isak couldn’t look up._ _ _

___"I don't know about parallel universes as much as you do, but I assure you, Isak Valtersen: no version of me would ** _ever_** say 'no' to marrying you, in any universe" Even finally said, smiling and waiting for Isak to look up at him._ _ _

___Which he did, once he was able to register the information, though he appeared to have gone deaf, momentarily._ _ _

___"You'll marry me?" Isak didn't mean to sound so surprised, only he was._ _ _

___"Yes, I'll marry you, babe. I'll absolutely marry you" Even said, before cupping Isaks face and kissing him._ _ _

___\\\_ _ _

___They kissed for hours, losing themselves in each other. By the time the sun started to rise and it made it so the color in the room turned orange, Even was holding Isak in his arms, both looking at one another and occasionally kissing, touching each other gently._ _ _

___“I can give you something, now” Even said, smiling._ _ _

___Isak didn’t say anything, but rather watched Even turn around and reach for the pants he had on earlier. He took out a plaid handkerchief, and when he turned back to face Isak, he looked at him for a beat, before taking his hand and placing the handkerchief on Isak’s palm._ _ _

___Isak looked at his hand and back at Even, who smiled and moved both eyebrows, as if to show he was excited._ _ _

___He sat up, quickly, as Even did the same, but before he could unfold the handkerchief, Even spoke._ _ _

___“Have you ever heard of the _Northern Cross_?”_ _ _

___“The asterism?”_ _ _

___“What’s an asterism?”_ _ _

___“It’s a string of stars within a constellation”_ _ _

___“Oh” he said, thoroughly disappointed._ _ _

___“Is that the one—?” Isak tried to fix his big mouth._ _ _

___“Of course you heard of it”_ _ _

___“I don’t know the story, I only know the name”_ _ _

___“Are you being kind or true?”_ _ _

___“I can’t remember every constellation, Even. I just know the name because it’s an asterism, and I love asterisms”_ _ _

___“You do?”_ _ _

___“Yeah, they’re incredibly special”_ _ _

___“You’re going to love this one, then. I had to look it up because there are quite a few versions to the myth, so I talked to professor Hansen at the University when I went to pick you up on Friday, and she said that, according to her research, this is the oldest and most likely _‘official’_ version. Apparently even Seneca and Virgil wrote about it”_ _ _

___Isak looked at Even unbelievably impressed, smiling, noticing how happy he seemed._ _ _

___“You asked a Mythology professor?”_ _ _

___“I wanted to make sure”_ _ _

___“Wow” Isak said, perhaps falling a little more in love by the second, if that were even possible._ _ _

___“You see, Cycnus was devoted to Phaethon, the mortal son of the charioteer of the Sun. Phaethon was bold and head strong, and one night, he took the Sun Chariot for a ride, but the horses that pulled the chariot were wild, and the ride took him dangerously close to the vault of the heavens and threatened to singe the earth and destroy the inhabitants of both. He then pleaded the gods to stop this destruction, and a thunderbolt suddenly hit the chariot. With a terrible explosion, Phaethon was thrown from the chariot and, being mortal, he could not survive the force of a thunderbolt. He fell to earth like a shooting star, his charred and lifeless remains landing in the river Eridanus” Even explained, slowly, as if he wanted to remember every detail he had memorized._ _ _

___Isak listened carefully, watching Even and hanging on every word as if it were poetry._ _ _

___“Phaethon’s lover, Cycnus, was so distraught over his death that he went to the river and kept trying to dive and retrieve Phaethon’s body, but he couldn’t do it. So, he just stayed there, guarding the river, where he wept bitterly until becoming an old man. Apollo finally took pity on him and turned Cycnus into a swan and eventually the gods decided to place him up into the heavens as the Cygnus constellation – or maybe asterism-, amidst the scorched path of Phaethon’s disastrous ride, The Milky Way” he said._ _ _

___“That’s so beautiful, Even”_ _ _

___“It’s a story that explains the reason we see the Milky Way as a faint path across the night sky. Most people know it as The Swan, and I don’t know, I liked how it explains the reason why swans always seem to roam a river and constantly look down, and how they’re supposed to only sing once, only when they are about to die. Like Cycnus, crying over Phaethon, his love”_ _ _

___“I never heard of it, it’s lovely, baby”_ _ _

___“I think I got it right. But, just in case I wrote down a passage from Virgil’s Aeneid. Do you want me to read it to you?” he asked, and he looked so nervous and so beautiful that Isak simply nodded._ _ _

___“ _’Nor thy renown may I forget, brave chief of the Ligurians, Cinyrus; nor thine, Cupavo, with few followers, thy crest the tall swan-wings, of love unblest the sign and of a father fair. For legends tell that Cycnus, for his Phaethon so dear lamenting loud beneath the poplar shade of the changed sisters [the Heliades], made a mournful song to soothe his grief and passion: but erewhile, in his old age, there clothed him as he sang soft snow-white plumes, and spurning earth he soared on high, and sped in music through the stars.’_ ”_ _ _

___As Even spoke, he had closed his hand absent-mindedly, and once he did, he was pretty sure he could feel what the handkerchief held. It was probably a ring._ _ _

___“Go ahead, see what it is, babe” Even told him, grinning._ _ _

___Isak looked down at his hand and opened it, carefully unfolding the handkerchief with his other hand, until it revealed a silver band, a beautiful silver band._ _ _

___“You bought me a ring?”_ _ _

___“Ages ago” Even said, smiling. “Well, alright, it was when I bought the house, but it feels like ages ago. I’ve been dying to give it to you” he explained._ _ _

___“Is this the—“_ _ _

___“The Northern Cross. Yes”_ _ _

___“Holy shit, baby”_ _ _

___“Do you like it?”_ _ _

___“It’s so perfect”_ _ _

___“One of a kind” Even said._ _ _

___“You were going to ask?”_ _ _

___“Of course I was going to ask, Isak”_ _ _

___“How? When?”_ _ _

___“When I couldn’t help it anymore? I almost did it twice, last night”_ _ _

___“Oh my God, Even”_ _ _

___“Only, it feels weird not asking, you know? Simply giving you the ring? Nah, I don’t think it works”_ _ _

___“It works fine, I love it” Isak said, taking the ring and admiring the pattern carved in it._ _ _

___“Nah. I don’t like it”_ _ _

___“Shut up, it’s perfect” Isak said, trying to get a better look at the engraving._ _ _

___“Isak?”_ _ _

___“Uh?”_ _ _

___“Look at me, babe”_ _ _

___“Yes?” he said, looking up and seeing Even suddenly looking serious again._ _ _

___Even looked at him, so serious and somehow a little hesitant._ _ _

___“I’ve been waiting for you since I was seven, Isak”_ _ _

___“Me?”_ _ _

___“Yes. Yes, absolutely. You."_ _ _

___Now Even was the one who seemed to be having trouble speaking without having his eyes betray him, Isak noticed._ _ _

___“It was never easy growing up being the bipolar kid, you know? Kids suck, they can be so cruel. Adults, too” he said, trying so hard to keep looking Isak in the eye. “Not everyone, though. I used to focus on that, at least I tried to” he added, looking away for a second so he could wipe his face without making it too obvious he was crying._ _ _

___“You’ll never know how difficult it can be for someone to believe that they can be happy when everyone keeps pointing out how different they are, reminding them that happiness is this **longshot** ” he said, and just like that, Isak’s heart shattered. _ _ _

___“I never believed it, though. I always knew, somehow”_ _ _

___“Knew what, Even?” he quietly asked him._ _ _

___It was the second time Isak had cried without noticing. And for the second time, he only noticed because Even’s hand reached over and wiped his face, gently caressing it._ _ _

___He should be the one touching Even right now, it's what he kept thinking. But he knew it, he knew Even would stop talking if he did, so he tried to stay away._ _ _

___He took hold of Even’s index finger when he was pulling his hand away, though. And he refused to let go, for whatever that was worth. At least he was being touched, Isak thought._ _ _

___“I always knew I would find you”_ _ _

___“How did you know that?”_ _ _

___“Because of all the mean people, and all the sadness and how lonely I could get sometimes. I knew exactly what it was like to be so broken”_ _ _

___“Jesus, Even”_ _ _

___“And when I was old enough to date, I knew I was feeling something, but I also knew it wasn’t exactly it”_ _ _

___“Because you had a way of comparing it?”_ _ _

___“Yes, exactly! I knew that there had to be an opposite, and someday I’d be able to find it. Someday I’d be able to experience it”_ _ _

___All Isak could do was watch him._ _ _

___“Then I transferred to Nissen, and I saw this boy—”_ _ _

___Isak was pretty sure he wasn’t going to make it to the end of this story. And he was also sure he couldn’t keep holding just a finger, so he took Even’s hand and pulled it so he could hold it in between his own, over his lap._ _ _

___“That was it”_ _ _

___“It was?” Isak barely managed to say._ _ _

___“The _opposite_. The very opposite of every bad thought or word or feeling I ever knew. It was almost like a high. Consider pain, then imagine it being transformed into something else, almost instantly and simply by looking at someone. Now, imagine how I felt the first time I got to kiss you, Isak”_ _ _

___“I don’t need to imagine it”_ _ _

___“It was—“_ _ _

___“Infinite”_ _ _

___“Yes, babe. Exactly”_ _ _

___“Shit, Even”_ _ _

___“So, you see. I’ve waited for you since I was seven. I made you up until I met you, and ever since, I’ve been able to live that opposite. And I don’t want it to ever end. And just like I knew I would meet you, I know we won’t end, Isak”_ _ _

___Isak couldn’t say anything anymore. He simply looked at Even, squeezing his hand as he spoke._ _ _

___“That’s what I wanted to say. That and one more thing”_ _ _

___Isak squeezed his hand even tighter._ _ _

___“I would love to be able to hold you, like I do, for a few more decades. If you take me, that is”_ _ _

___“What?” Isak said, laughing out of sheer nervousness._ _ _

___“Will you marry me, Isak?”_ _ _

___Now it was Isak’s turn not to answer immediately. Not because he wasn’t understanding what was going on, but because he couldn’t stop crying._ _ _

___He just started to nod, repeatedly, as Even watched him do so, looking so beautifully gentle._ _ _

___“Yes” Isak said. “Fuck yes, Even” he then added, before simply jumping on Even and hugging him, as tightly as he possibly could._ _ _

___He wanted to hold him like he held Isak, all these years. He wanted to hug him enough to make all those sad memories disappear, make them vanish completely, because he didn’t deserve any of it. He wanted to undo them all, somehow. He needed to be able to._ _ _

___But since he knew he couldn’t rewrite it, he decided to do the only thing he could. He decided to make sure Even never felt any of that, ever again._ _ _

___“We’re getting married” Even said, as he had his forehead pressed against Isak’s and smiled._ _ _

___“We’re getting married” Isak repeated, grinning._ _ _

___They pulled away and stared at each other for a beat._ _ _

___"Will you take my name?" Even said, raising both eyebrows._ _ _

___"Sure, like I'm going to be called Isak Valtersen Næsheim? Try saying that three times, fast"_ _ _

___"People take each other's names"_ _ _

___"I'm not taking your name” Isak said, simply. “But I will share all the rest"_ _ _

___"So, we stay the same, is what you’re saying?"_ _ _

___"Exactly. I told you it didn't change a thing" he told Even, smiling._ _ _

___Even grabbed Isak by the waist and pulled him close, kissing him._ _ _

___"Except you'll be my husband"_ _ _

___"Yeah, except for that"_ _ _

___Isak fell silent as he stared at Even, carefully._ _ _

___"What?"_ _ _

___"Nothing" he said, smiling, looking somewhat surprised._ _ _

___"Come on, babe. What is it?"_ _ _

___He waited a bit longer before deciding to answer._ _ _

___"You- I just realized you—" he stopped because he didn’t want that lump on his throat to get the best of him._ _ _

___"You really are home, Even" he said, looking at Even like he just confessed something._ _ _

___“Yeah?” Even asked him, beaming. “So, you’re not afraid of what can happen? You’re not afraid we may end if we get married?”_ _ _

___Isak looked at Even smiling back at him, absolutely overjoyed._ _ _

___“I thought it would scare me, I really did. Only—“_ _ _

___“What, babe?”_ _ _

___“We don’t end, Even”_ _ _


	5. I Know You're Scared (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even are trying to spend as much time together as they possibly can before Even needs to go away for work. However, they are able to do almost anything except enjoy their still recent, still secret engagement.

Some moments are better than others.

That has always been something Isak has known and understood, for better or worse. There were moments in his life during which he had unbelievable clarity, while others he'd sooner wish he could forget. That was true for most people, of course, and he would be the first to remind himself of that. But that fact, in and on itself, did very little to comfort him.

He never quite understood people who'd react to things by taking solace in its inclusive aspect. If anything, it only made it worse to think that whatever difficulty Isak would go through could somehow not be exclusive to him, but rather extensive to all, meaning there were others out there, at any given moment, feeling just as bad as he was. Why take comfort in the fact that there's universality to badness? It never made any sense to him.

It should be restrained, confined to that one particular individual. That would not only potentialize its meaning, deepening it somewhat, but would also mean others were safe from it, somehow shielded against it.

Some moments were indeed better, however. Like the ones involving Even oo Jonas or Sana. People, Isak found, could make them better, and it often was the case, just like music and poetry or the vastness of the universe and the possibilities it allowed.

Others, alas, were not.

It's one of those facts people like to repeat as if they knew its meaning, but seem to do it with nothing but recklessness. They repeat it because it's how they've learned to cope with it, as if by saying it casually and recognizing it as 'one of those things' would make it easier to bare. 

Isak hated that. 

He hated those pieces of 'wisdom' people tended to give out on a whim, carelessly, like slogans to a better life. It lessened the entire thing, turning it cheap and irrelevant. He could never really comprehend it, either. He refused to do so, as a matter of fact, for in his mind there had to be something more to it because there needs to be reason behind everything. No matter how difficult or deeply hidden it may be, there needs to be reason, any reason, behind everything - good or bad.

**\\\**

On the morning they got back from Eva and Jonas' wedding, Isak woke up and went straight to the University, while Even started working on his new project at the studio. They barely had any time to talk. 

They stayed up in the cabin for as long as they could, driving back to the city in the middle of the night and having a little over two hours of sleep before starting their week. 

Neither one felt tired, though. They were too excited to be tired.

Isak had his hands full, needing to review the first drafts of work his students had sent in over the weekend, while also having to advise the few who showed up to his office seeking guidance with their unfinished papers.

Even was busy preparing to start production in London, having a little less than two weeks to get everything ready before flying over, at the same time having to go over re-writes and last minute casting decisions - as well as dealing with the new production company heads questioning his every move. It was Even’s biggest production to date, and both he and Isak had decided to focus their attention on that fact, rather than the obvious predicament: once filming began, they were to be apart for long stretches of time.

During the day, Even and Isak tried talking through texts as much as they could. Even was able to send Isak a drawing or two he had done; Isak, in turn, managed to send the occasional text or audio telling Even that he was thinking of him.

It was like they had just started dating. It felt like it did when they first met, and both of them were thoroughly enjoying it. It felt good, but it was also frustrating not being able to continue exactly where they'd left off the night before.

Everything was still too fresh. It felt immediate, still.

And it was great. It was better than Isak had anticipated. He would've been somewhat bothered if after the night they'd shared and the words they'd spoken to one another everything would’ve simply gone back to its usual routine. It couldn't have.

There was nothing usual about any of it. They had decided to get married, and it was exciting. It was interesting. It was fucking unbelievable.

That's what Isak wanted to be doing. Dissecting it, picking it apart and reliving those moments that were so intense and yet so brief. Not because he wanted to analyze it, but rather he wished he could take it in properly, drink it all up, so to speak. He wished to give it proper attention - all of his attention, if possible, for it was what he thought the occasion called for.

Even and him were to marry, and there was nothing ordinary about it.

**\\\**

When his phone vibrated for the second time in a row as he spoke to a student about his take on the endurance of infinity and its parallels to love, he was sure it was Even. He picked it up, mid-sentence, and glanced at it casually, as he continued to read his student's paper.

Until he stopped.

He had received a text from his stepmother saying his dad had been rushed to the hospital after suffering a heart attack.

Some moments are, as Isak had always known, better than others.

**\\\**

The taxi dropped him off at the entrance to the ER. He quickly paid the driver and went on to hurry his way up to the front desk, where a nurse told him the floor and room his dad was in.

On his way up to the third floor, he thought about texting Even. It was the seventh time he had thought that very same thing, and for the seventh time he decided not to act on it.

Part of him wanted nothing more than to have Even standing close, inches away. The biggest part of him, in fact; The sanest part, however, wanted to keep Even as far away as possible from whatever it was he was about to encounter. And so he did, as much as it physically pained him to. 

He didn't text.

**\\\**

The elevator doors swung open and he slowly walked up to the nurse's station ahead of him, where an older female nurse wrote quickly on some charts.

"Excuse me?"

"Yes, dear? Can I help you?" 

"My dad's here, I think. Valtersen?"

She checked her computer and turned back to him.

"Room 301. It's the last one on the end of the hall, by that window" she said, pointing it out to him.

"Thank you" he simply said.

"He's alright, no need to worry" she told him, reassuringly.

"Thanks" he told her as he walked over to the end of the hall.

It took him a second to open the door. He didn't know who else was in there and he didn't really know if he should knock, wait or even if he was supposed to be there in the first place.

He chose to knock.

Once inside the room, he realized he was the only one visiting, and as he slowly made his way up to the bed, he pressed his hand on his ring inside his pocket, turning it over, again and again.

"Isak?" his father said upon seeing him enter the room.

"Hi, dad. How are you feeling? Better?" Isak asked him.

"I'm fine. Hanna overreacted, as always" he said, dismissively.

"You didn't have a heart attack, then?"

"I did, but only a minor one"

"Oh, if it's a minor one" he said, as if that fucking mattered.

"My point is, I'm fine. No need to worry"

"That's good" Isak said, deciding it was probably best to remain chill.

"How's your mom? And Even?” his dad asked. “How's school?" he then amended.

It annoyed the fuck out of Isak whenever someone would refer to his job as 'school'. He knew it was just _'one of those things'_ people did, but it still made him feel as though he wasn't a proper adult.

"Everyone's alright. The University is... still there, I suppose"

"I read that paper of yours on loops. Interesting stuff"

"Yeah?"

"Didn't understand a word of it. But it was really interesting" he said, sounding impressed.

"Thanks"

His attention was soon diverted towards the heart rate machine and its rhythm strip.

"How have you been, son?"

Before Isak could answer him however, Hanna walked in, looking as though she had been crying. She was accompanied by two small children, ages five and four. Isak’s half-brothers.

"Oh, Isak!" she said, bursting into tears and hugging him as if someone had just died.

He looked at his dad and he looked back, both rolling their eyes at the same time.

"I'm so glad you're here!" she said, dramatically.

As they talked, the two boys hugged Isak and refused to let go, proceeding to sit on the bed and watch him and his stepmother interact after she had told them to.

"I talked to the nurse, Hanna. He's going to be fine"

"I was so scared. He started having chest pains and the kids were in from school and I just—-"

"He's healthy, he probably won't even stay longer than a day or two"

"See? I told you I was fine" his dad said.

She turned around to go stand by the bed.

"You can't keep working the way you have been" she told Isak's dad, running her hand on his forehead. "You're not forty anymore, you need to take care of yourself. Think of the children—" 

She started rambling as Isak's dad just calmly and quietly listened, shaking his head and nodding every now and again.

Isak stood there, exactly where he had been since he had arrived, just far enough from the door so he could see the bed, and far enough from the bed so he could leave whenever he wanted to.

As he observed them, the caring albeit overprotective wife almost Isak's age and her two children playing on the bed, Isak felt as distant as he possibly could. He didn't belong in that room. He actually had no idea as to why he had been informed of anything, really.

He took out his phone from his jacket pocket, unlocked it and began to type, rather quickly.

 **"Sorry baby, I’m going to be late. Hanna called and my dad’s in the hospital, so I came to visit. Everything’s fine, don’t worry".** he wrote.

Anticipating Even's reply, he kept his phone on his hand for the next few minutes, but Even never did write back.

"How are you, Isak?" Hanna asked, turning around to look at him and bringing the room to a sudden silence.

"Good. I'm fine, Hanna"

"And Even?"

"He's also fine"

"You're still together then?"

"Yes, very much so" he said, feeling his ring with his thumb in his pocket as he did.

"I'm glad. It's a rare thing, isn't it?"

"What is?"

"I don't know" she said, awkwardly. "It, I guess"

"It may be, sure"

Small talk is such a useless endeavor, Isak always thought. Awkward small talk is even worse. If two people can’t think of anything to say to one another they should both be quiet.

"You need to come by the house. The children miss you"

"I've been quite busy, but sure. I'll drop by some day" he lied.

"Your mother said you boys got yourselves a house?" his dad jumped in.

"Yep. We haven't moved in yet, though"

"A house? Well, that's big, isn't it?"

"I guess it is, Hanna"

He never meant to be cold or short with his stepmother. She wasn't evil or anything, quite the opposite in fact. She was very caring and tried very hard to always be kind and polite, but it would feel forced to Isak, and he knew it was probably all in his head, but it bothered him a little because it didn't quite seem honest.  
She was nice, he supposed. And aside from her being only seven years older than him and being a little too dramatic, he couldn't say with any sort of certainty she wasn't a good enough person.

"I hope you've given it a lot of thought before doing something like that" his dad jumped in again, interrupting Hanna and pointing out to Isak the obvious routine was dangerously close to beginning.

"I don't think I follow" Isak simply said.

"A house. That's serious" he told him.

"Well, it's also just a house"

"But you don't rent a house just like that, do you? Suddenly like that"

"Well, no. We bought it, actually"

"You two bought a house?" Hanna asked, surprised.

"Uh-huh" Isak nodded.

"Then, it is serious"

"Is that a question, Hanna?"

"Yes, I think it is"

"It is serious. We've always been serious"

"That's lovely. I like Even"

Well if she liked him that changed everything, Isak thought.

"I'm glad things are good between you two, Isak" his dad said, oddly serious and looking like he meant it, which was also weird, for some reason.

To be fair, his dad has never had a problem with Isak or was never anything but civil to Even. The problem here was Isak. He had noticed, quite a few years back, that this family was simply not his. He didn't fit in it, and it wasn't necessary for him to have it happen, either.

It was a strange feeling, not being upset for not belonging. But it was there, nonetheless, and it caused for some friction to be exacerbated. Ultimately, it was a family that had no room for him, and it was just as fine, because it wasn't one he particularly desired to be a part of.

It was still odd, though. His dad seemed quite happy and his siblings were nothing if not loved. They seemed to be a good unit. The children seemed like they were okay, which was something Isak always felt happy about, because he was almost certain their childhood was nothing like his own, and that was what ultimately mattered.

He should resent it, all of it, Isak would sometimes wonder. Except he didn't. He didn't like socializing, for he always felt weird whenever they were around, but he didn't resent them.

Except for when it came to his brothers. He tried being a good big brother, and would often visit them in school and take them out as much as he could.

"Will you?" Hanna asked him, smiling.

"I'm sorry, what?" He asked her back, having been lost in thought and apparently for quite some time too, for they all were looking up at him, curiously.

"Come to dinner this weekend. You and Even?" 

"Oh. I don't think we can. We're moving in this weekend. Maybe some other time?" he tried saying it as though it was actually going to happen.

"Sure. Lovely"

Silence fell upon the hospital room, as the doctor entered and started to examine Isak's dad.

"Isak?" the doctor said, recognizing him, instantly.

"Dr. Pedersen. Hi" Isak said as he shook his hand, gladly.

"How are you?"

"Can't complain. You?"

"I'm fine, fine. How have you been? How's Even?"

"Great. He's also great"

"Any headaches?"

He figured it wasn’t the right time to inform his physician he had been experiencing a nagging headache since the night of Jonas and Eva’s wedding. He really didn’t want to share that bit of information with his father and his family, either.

So he lied.

"Nothing I can't handle, no. They're getting less frequent lately"

"Good to hear that. Glad to see you've made a full recovery"

"Pretty much, thanks to you"

"Time was everything, I've always told you. If you'd come in an hour later, things would’ve been quite different"

"Well, you can thank Even for that"

"I have" the doctor said, kindly.

"Why Even?" his dad asked, meddling.

"He was the one who brought Isak in" Dr. Pedersen replied.

"I thought the police officer did that?"

"They did, but Even carried him from the crash site to where the officer spotted them, on the road road, a couple of blocks away from here. The officer merely drove them for two blocks"

"You've never told me that" he said, looking at Isak, surprised.

Isak simply ignored him, and soon they all went quiet again, as Dr. Pedersen checked his dad's vitals. 

"Well?" his dad asked, rather unimpressed as he looked up at the doctor.

"All good" he said, removing his stethoscope. "As I said earlier, it was a mild coronary infarction. We'll keep you here for the night and discharge you later tomorrow, maybe the next day at the latest, how's that?"

"Perfect. Thank you, doctor"

"There are some papers we need you to fill, if that's alright?" he turned, talking to Isak.

"Me?"

"You are the next of kin, no?"

"Yes, but so are they" he said, pointing at Hanna and the kids.

"It doesn't matter, either of you can do it" he said, glancing over Hanna and back at Isak.

She looked a bit confused, and ultimately Isak just welcomed the chance to getting out of that room.

"Fine, I'll do it" with anything but enthusiasm.

"Lovely. Thank you Isak" Hanna said, smiling.

"Well, dad. Feel better"

"You're not coming back?" he asked him, quite disappointed.

"I can’t, I have an early class tomorrow, so"

"Don't go, Isak" the eldest boy, Anders, said.

"Sorry, kiddo. I have to. But I'll go over to your school sometime soon so we can hangout after class, okay?"

"Alright" he replied, clearly disappointed.

"That's the spirit" Isak said, as he turned to leave.

After a good fifteen minutes filling out paperwork, he was finally able to actually leave the hospital.

As he waited for the elevator, he still had his phone out and checked it to see if there was any signal before putting it away.

When the doors to the elevator opened, a concerned Even was inside.

"Babe? What happened?" he said, so softly Isak wanted to only hear that. His voice.

Even took a step forward as if to get out of the elevator, but Isak raised his hand, placing his palm on his chest and pushing him back in. He mindlessly pushed the buttons on the inside panel before he heard the doors closing. As they did, he simply put both arms around Even’s neck and hugged him, without saying a word, only taking a deep, long breath.

Isak could finally breathe.

**\\\**

They went back to the flat. Even sat on the couch, as Isak had his head rested on his lap, his legs stretched out over the side.

“It felt so weird, being there” Isak said, as he had Even’s hand in between his own and was holding it up, as if measuring the length of his fingers against his own.

“Why?”

“I dunno. I always feel a bit off, whenever I’m around them. Today was no exception”

“Why do you feel weird?”

“It’s not really my place, is it?”

“It’s your family, babe”

“Except it isn’t, though. It’s his” he said. “Not to mention it’s so odd to witness it all. They’re so… normal”

“Is that bad?”

“No. I guess not. I just— I don’t know. I don’t really know any of them well enough to judge”

“Not even your dad?”

“Especially my dad” Isak said, going silent shortly after.

Even didn’t say anything. He waited, as he usually did, for Isak to continue.

“It’s good that they’re happy, I suppose” he said.

“Of course it is”

“I just don’t recognize the man. Which is all the same, really, because I’m sure he doesn’t recognize me, either”

“That’s a funny thing to say” Even commented.

“Why?”

“I get that you feel that way about him, but about yourself? Are you really that different?”

“I guess not. Not like him, I'm not. Not completely different”

“Then, why wouldn’t he recognize you?”

“I don’t know” he said, taking a moment before continuing. “I’m not as naïve, I think. He doesn’t get under my skin as before, which is ultimately the issue here: I don’t think I care the way I should” he admitted.

“You cared enough to go in today”

“Reflex?”

“I don’t think so, babe” Even said, gently running his thumb over Isak’s forehead.

“Well, I don’t know" Isak told him, honestly. "Is it too weird not to know?” he then asked.

“No, it’s not too weird” Even reassured him.

“How about not wanting to spend any more time thinking about it?”

“That’s alright, too”

Isak kept looking up at the ceiling, clearly trying to work it all out in his head. Even quietly watched him, continuously stroking his hair.

“Even?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Thanks for showing up” he told him, looking up at him.

He looked down at Isak and frowned, as though Isak had just told him the most absurd thing. He then leaned in and kissed him, softly.

“Of course I’d show up”

Isak needed to say it all the same. He wanted to tell him more, tell him how he only felt normal once he saw the elevator doors opening, like how his heart skipped a beat as it did, and how it was exactly what he needed.

“This was not how I wanted to start the week, you know”

Instead, he complained. But it was an honest complaint, something he had been thinking about for a while.

“How did you want to start the week?”

“I don’t know. Feeling a bit more like I’m about to marry you?”

“You are about to marry me”

“I am, aren’t I?” he said, smiling almost instantly.

“Uh-huh” Even nodded, also smiling.

“That’s so good to hear”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, yes”

“So I can keep bringing it up? Because I have to be honest, I haven’t stopped thinking about it all day long” Even confessed.

“Me neither! I keep replaying when you said _'yes'_ , over and over again in my head. It was fucking awesome”

“I think we’re feeling as though we didn’t enjoy it the right way because… well, because we didn’t”

“We didn’t?”

“A proposal needs to be acknowledged. It needs to be paid attention to. The right way”

“The right way?” Isak repeated, raising a single eyebrow.

“Absolutely. Otherwise it feels like we skipped a bit of it”

“I see”

Even ran the back of his hand gently over Isak’s stomach, unbuttoning his shirt, slowly, from the very last button up.

“When someone asks you to marry them, you need to enjoy it”

He kept unbuttoning his shirt as he spoke, almost in slow motion.

“You need to absorb the words, take notice of your breathing during those moments that precedes them”

Isak now had most of his shirt open, and he tried breathing normally, even as Even’s fingers rubbed softly against his skin, giving him goosebumps.

“The tension… The anticipation… That feeling on the pit of your stomach?”

“I like that feeling” Isak said, biting his lip.

“You should, it’s a great feeling”

“What else?”

“The looks? Those looks shared, right before the question gets asked? Looks that are so powerful they can only be surpassed in importance by the look given once the word _‘yes’_ is uttered”

As he spoke, Even ran one finger down Isak’s chest, barely touching his skin, down to his hip, resting his whole hand on top of it, by the waistline, and taking hold of the button on his jeans, undoing it before placing his whole palm on Isak's skin and pressing down, firmly.

They stared at one another for the longest time, as Even got Isak’s breathing to become shallow, making him all but beg him for a kiss.

“Come here” Even said, as Isak, in a single second, sat up and adjusted himself on his lap, facing him.

Isak tried to lean in and kiss him, but Even placed both palms on Isak’s chest, running them up towards his shoulders, making his shirt slowly fall down his arms, which were now resting on both of Even’s knees, making Isak arch his back.

Even had stopped speaking.

He started to kiss Isak’s chest, holding him by the waist and squeezing his sides, which felt so fucking good Isak put his head back and simply waited for Even to do whatever he wanted.

For the longest time, Even kissed and pressed Isak’s skin, until he finally pulled him close and pressed his forehead against his own. They stared at each other, without saying anything, as Even pulled down Isak’s jeans and boxer briefs as far as they would go – almost halfway down his thighs - and lifted him up slightly so he could unbutton and push down his own pants. Even then started to guide Isak’s waist down, admiring the way Isak looked at him as he slowly slid inside him.

For the better part of ten minutes, Isak and Even remained that way, almost completely still, silently watching each other without moving. When Even finally kissed him, it was slower and softer than ever before.

Isak put both hands on either side of Even’s face, kissing him as gently as he could, as he started to move his hip, slowly. As he did, Even’s hands squeezed Isak’s sides in such a way as though they would leave a mark, and it had never felt as good.

It had never felt like that before. It had never felt so much as if they could make time itself somehow slow down.

**\\\**

A few hours later, they were still on the couch, lying down and facing each other. 

"What is it, babe?" Even asked him, softly, while stroking Isak’s hair.

"Huh?"

"You're staring"

He had been. He couldn't help it. They had been silent for a few minutes, and it took Even calling him out for Isak to realize he'd spent most of those minutes admiring him.

"I can't believe you said _'yes'_ " He told him, finally.

It was the truth. He was having one of those moments when he could go through his life and find little to be upset about. On the contrary, he was finding that a lot about it was almost too good to be true - a thought that rarely crossed Isak's mind. 

He has never exactly been a glass half-full sort of person. Neither was he a pessimist. He considered himself a realist, with the odd pessimistic output being presented now and again, but that was only because he was too rational a person.

At least it's how he would view it.

But that night he was having a difficult time rationalizing things. He was feeling a bit too much. It felt odd, but not bad - not really.

There was little to be bothered by getting lost in Even. Isak had been used to doing it since before they'd met, and it was almost a hobby at this point.  
That night, as he lay next to him and felt his hand moving gently to the sides under Isak's shirt, going from his stomach up his chest and back again, he was hopeless. The only thing he could do was get lost in it, and admire Even.

"You can't believe it? How do you think I feel?"

"You didn't think I'd propose?"

"I really didn't. I was prepared to start proposing to you" Even admitted.

"Start?"

"I figured I'd have to do it a few times. You know, two or five?"

"I'm not Eva, Even"

"Oh, you know about that?"

"You really thought I'd say _'no’_?"

"Well, in my defense, you've always hated marriage” he explained. “Besides, I wasn't sure if by asking I'd be bullying you into it" he added.

"Huh"

"What?"

"Nothing"

"Isak—"

"It's just interesting. I've always been against it, and I was freaking out because I was starting to consider it, and yet—"

"Yes?"

"Well, I've always ran these scenarios in my head, you know? With all these terrible things that could happen if I we were to do it. I never once thought about saying _'no'_ , though"

"You didn't?" Even asked, sounding rather unconvinced.

"I really didn't. I don't think I would've done it, actually. Said _'no'_. I wouldn't have been able to"

"You know you could've saved us both a lot of time and worry if only you would've told me that like a couple of years ago, right?"

"Nah. I like it that it happened this way. I prefer it"

"Why?"

"Before last night, I would've said _'yes'_ , most likely. But it would've been because I couldn't say _'no'_ to you, not necessarily because I was okay with the idea"

"There's a _'but'_ in there somewhere, right?"

"But" He said, smiling. "Now, it's different. Now, I'm ready" He added.

And he was being one hundred percent honest. He wouldn't have said _'no'_ , regardless of when Even were to propose. But now he meant it. He felt as though instead of the prospect of being married to Even meaning something bad would ultimately happen, now it was the exact opposite. He couldn't feel as though it were anything but a good decision - the right decision. It felt as it had always felt, when Even was concerned. It felt right. Like no possible alternative could somehow be presented as being better, because there couldn't be anything remotely better.

He was ready.

"Are we telling people?" Even asked.

"We'll have to, at some point. Right now I gotta say I'm enjoying it too much to share it with anyone. You think it's okay if we waited a bit? Just a few days?"

"Of course it's okay"

"You can tell your parents, though. If you want"

"They're gonna be so psyched"

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely. They're going to love it"

"I hope so"

"Are you going to tell your mom?"

"Are you insane? She'll want us to book a church already. No. I'm delaying that for as long as I can"

"What about your dad?"

"She can tell him. Eventually"

**\\\**

The sun had barely risen.

“Morning, beautiful” Even said, as Isak struggled to wake up.

He didn’t say anything, barely managing to turn and face Even, who simply smiled as he stroked Isak’s hair and touched his face, gently.

“I hate to tell you this, but it’s almost eight o’clock”

“Ugh” was all Isak could muster.

“I know. I would let you sleep in, but you hate being late”

“Well, I’m stupid”

Even smiled as he kept running his fingers on Isak’s hair.

“Do you want me to bring you coffee in bed?”

“So badly”

“Are you saying that just so you can go back to sleep?”

“Possibly...”

“Thought so”

“But—“

“Yes?”

“Wake me up again when you come back?”

Even just smiled, standing up carefully and heading out the bedroom. Isak fell back asleep almost instantly, not being able to tell exactly how long it took Even to come back, but he knew it was long enough for him to dream.

He woke up with Even sitting on the bed, next to him. He was holding a coffee cup on his right hand, and scooted close to Isak, lying on his side, in a way that allowed him to put his weight on his left shoulder, as he looked at Isak.

Isak opened his eyes once Even stopped moving, seeing Even watching him, smiling.

“Closer” Isak said, quietly.

“I don’t want to spill coffee on you”

“Closer” Isak simply repeated.

Even smiled and without taking his eyes from a sleepy Isak, moved his right hand back, feeling his way until reaching the nightstand and placing the cup on top of it. When he heard the cup touch the nightstand, Isak immediately moved closer to Even, grabbing hold of his t-shirt and making a fist, as Even moved closer and placed his hand on Isak’s waist, kissing his forehead before pressing his own against it.

“You won’t wake up without your coffee” Even said, softly.

“I won’t sleep while I get to look at you like this, either” Isak told him, quite honestly.

They both smiled, staring at each other for a beat.

“Hi” Even finally said.

“Hey, you”

“How did you sleep?”

“I dreamed we were walking around this old temple, way up in the mountains”

“A temple?”

“Yeah, like a Buddhist temple”

“Cool”

“You kept talking about how it would be the perfect place to shoot a scene for your film”

“Yeah?”

“A romantic scene, about a couple and their first kiss”

“That actually sounds likea good idea" Even said. "Except… can you kiss inside a Buddhist temple?” he asked.

“I’m pretty sure it’s blasphemous. I told you so in the dream”

“Of course you did”

“Then you said it was even better, because the scene could be about the couple needing to keep their distance and controlling themselves. So, you showed it to me”

“How did I do that?

“We walked around the temple, along these seemingly never ending steps that surrounded the place. You walked on the lower step and I did the same, three levels up”

“So, we were about the same height in your dream?” Even said, smugly.

Isak smiled and pushed him back.

“Then, what did we do?”

“You explained how it could be done. Talking about how badly it was to stay away, not being able to come near me, things like that”

“I like that dream”

“We ended up being blasphemous”

“We did, huh?”

“I couldn’t help myself. I would, though, in real life. I think”

Even smiled. He ran his hand from Isak’s hip up his side, until he reached his neck, pressing it gently and leaning in to kiss him.

“So, this would be a big no-no?” he asked.

“Huge. We would probably be like those stupid foreigners who instead of abiding by the rules of a country that has them as guests, decide to break the rules and end up getting arrested”

“We wouldn’t do that, though”

“No, because we’re not lame”

“Just to be safe though, no Buddhist temples on our honeymoon, right?”

“I think not” Isak said, smiling.

Even kissed him again, this time for a bit longer.

“Do you want your coffee, now?”

“In a minute” Isak said, as he grabbed hold of the neck of Even’s t-shirt and pulled him closer so he could kiss him again.

“You’ll be late, babe” he told Isak, in between kisses.

“I don’t care” he said, before leaning in for another, longer kiss, as Even turned on his back and Isak got on top of him, at the same time he started to take off his t-shirt.

Isak was really late for work that morning.

**\\\**

"When does he get out of the hospital?" Sana asked Isak.

She was walking from the inside the house to the trunk of Even’s car, closely followed by Isak.

"Monday, I think" Isak replied.

"So he's okay?" 

"He's fine, it wasn't that serious. He was supposed to leave in a day, but they thought it best to run a few tests, just to be sure"

"Doesn't Even leave for London on Friday?" Chris asked, walking over and picking up a medium-sized cardboard box.

"Wednesday" Isak corrected her.

"How long is he staying for?" she asked.

"A few weeks" he said, being closely watched by Sana.

"And how are you two dealing with that?" Chris asked him.

"By pretending that it's not happening?" 

"You mean, you're turning into me?" Sana said.

"That's not how you deal with shit" Isak pointed out.

"It is, lately" she told him, rather blatantly. “Seriously, your flat is so tiny, how can you two have so much stuff?” Sana then asked, as she picked up a box.

“I’ve asked myself the same question. Then again, read the label on this one” Isak told her, turning the box he had in his hands so she could see better.

He was carrying a box labeled _‘Even’s Films V_ ’.

“Don’t tell me there’s a four and a three”

“There’s a six and a seven”

“Shit”

“Yep”

“Seven boxes of film?”

“Seven fucking boxes. More, actually”

“Oh, please. I just took the third box reading _‘Isak’s Books’_. It weighed a fucking ton” Mahdi said, quickly getting a box and turning back to head inside the house.

“How do you get the time? You two are always working or having sex” Sana said.

“I’m a fast reader” Isak joked, making her smile.

“Where does this one go, then?” She asked him.

“The study”

“If you had said ‘upstairs’ I would've switched boxes, I’m not ashamed to admit it” she said, turning to go inside the house.

As he prepared to do the same, a car pulled over on the driveway. It was Jonas and Eva, bringing even more boxes from the flat.

“These are almost all of them” Jonas said, opening the trunk.

“There were a couple that had no label on them, next to the kitchen. We weren’t sure if we should get them or not, so we didn’t” Eva told him, as she got a box and clumsily lifted up.

“That’s alright. I’ll pick those up later today. We need to do a once over on the place anyway”

“Okay, take my car, ‘cause Mahdi’s truck is blocking Even’s” Jonas said.

“Isak, Even asked you to go to the kitchen for a minute” Magnus said, taking the box Isak was holding from him. “Where does this one go?” he then asked.

“TV room” Isak said, as he walked inside the house after Even.

**\\\**

There seemed to be no one in the kitchen, Isak noticed.

“Even?” 

“Yeah?” he heard a muffled voice say.

Isak did a three-sixty around the kitchen before noticing a door, narrower than the one that led outside to the garden and the one that led to and from the kitchen, open.

“You wanted me?” Isak said, once he spotted Even coming through the narrow door holding a measuring tape.

“Always” said Even, raising both eyebrows. “How’s your head?” he asked him.

“I’ll live” Isak said. “Is that why you called for me?”

“Actually, I was wondering. Everybody’s gonna start getting hungry pretty soon, so why don’t we to go lock up the flat? That way, when we come back we can bring some burgers or something” he explained.

“Sounds good” Isak said. “But we have to take Jonas’ car”

“Why’s that?”

“We haven’t finished unloading the stuff from your car yet”

“Okay, no problem. We’ll take Jonas’”

Isak took a moment to look down at Even’s hands.

“Why the measuring tape?”

“This pantry is bigger than our closet back at the flat” Even said, enthusiastically.

“But why measure it?”

“Because this pantry is bigger than our closet back at the flat?” he repeated, even more enthusiastically.

Isak smiled.

“I can’t wait to cook in this kitchen” Even said, happily.

“I can’t wait to watch you cooking in this kitchen” Isak told him, taking a step forward and leaning his head back, all but begging for a kiss.

“It is the most important room of the house”

“Isn’t it supposed to be ‘the heart of the house’?” Isak pointed out.

“Also correct” Even said, leaning in closer to Isak.

“Although, I think the bedroom is the most important room in this house” Isak told him.

“But we also do most of what we do in the bedroom, here” Even said.

“And vice-versa” Isak said, biting his lip.

They started kissing.

“Guys, this medicine box? Where should I—“ Eva said, as she walked in the kitchen.

She immediately turned around once she saw they were busy.

“Never mind, I’ll put it in the study” she simply said, walking away.

**\\\**

Isak stood in the middle of the empty living room as Even walked around the flat, making sure they hadn’t forgotten anything. It looked small, as it usually is the case in such instances. Too small to have been able to hold all those memories in for as long as it had.

It was only an impression, and Isak was fully aware of that fact, but it also seemed rather special.

He didn’t dare go back to their bedroom. That was the only part of the flat he didn’t revisit. He was afraid of how it would feel. Instead, he walked from the living room to the kitchen and back again a few times, almost able to witness flashes of some of their best – and worst – minutes.

Over there, by that left, far corner of the living room was where Even had pinned Isak to the wall once, right after a huge fight that had absolutely no relevance today, but that led to an entire night of amazing make up sex.

Or there, right in the middle of the room, where their couch used to be, was where Isak comforted Even after his great-aunt Laura had passed. Isak never got to meet her, and Even spent that night in Isak’s arms, telling him stories about her, like the time he got in a fight in school and was too afraid to go home, so he went to her house instead and, after he told her what had happened, she baked him a cake so they could eat it while still warm and later took him out shopping for his first professional camera. He was only ten.

Every inch of that place had dozens of different, sometimes conflicting memories attached to it, and no matter how slowly Isak walked from one room to another, there was simply no time to revisit them all – nor should there be, he considered. He kept stopping every two or three steps, freezing still while being soaked in whatever memory presented itself.

The balcony seemed to call to him. 

He slowly made his way through all those memories, which he could without much effort see, as if they were being played back in his mind, so vividly that they were manifested so as to properly demand recollection.

For too many nights, he and Even stood on that balcony together, watching the stars and talking, discussing some of their most meaningful and important minutes.  
It was there that a still fragile Isak painfully made his way over to sit on an improvised padded chair (as to not hurt his back even more), the day he was released from the hospital, after the accident. It was also where Even begged him to forgive him, where Isak truthfully had told him there was nothing to forgive, and also where his first memories came back to him, triggered by the sound of Even crying. Right there, as he held onto Even, was when it all came back to him. He had always thought his body somehow waited for the time Even’s arms were to be around him in order to provide those flashes. A sort of kindness, for it would’ve been much harder to remember it alone, lying on that cold hospital room some random sleepless night.

Beautiful moments, along with sad and bittersweet ones were scattered throughout the apartment, and it somehow felt as though there was no more room in it to contain them all, which made Isak smile as he walked back from the kitchen to the living room once again, re-watching all of the times he had quickly opened the front door and hurried to Even, as if on a loop. He had probably done it thousands of times, and although they might seem as though too casual or common to warrant a whole segment of a flashback, they were anything but irrelevant.

For years, Isak got to unlock that door and hear Even’s voice calling out to him from wherever he might’ve been at the time of Isak’s arrival. His tone was almost always the same, even if the words said weren’t. He always sounded happy, even when his day hadn’t been all that great, even when he was sad. Isak would smile, as soon as he heard it. All of those times.

He stood there, being drowned by all those moments, until Even walked over and put both arms around him from behind, encapsulating him and, without saying a word, took a beat to say goodbye to their apartment.

“So many memories” he finally whispered.

“All kinds of them” Isak said, softly.

“Do you have a favorite?”

“A few. Yes”

“Tell me?”

He held up his arm and pointed to where the couch used to be.

“The night I first told you I loved you”

“That was my second time saying it to you”

“Second?”

“Uh-huh”

“When was the first?”

“Months before, on my birthday. I woke up before you did, and I realized I got to wake up with you in my arms. I said it then, before you woke up”

“So, I didn’t say it first?” he asked him, disappointed.

“Sorry, babe” he shook his head.

“I was kinda proud of that”

“You proposed first”

“No, I didn’t. You did that, too”

“When I was manic doesn’t count”

“Was I never first at anything?”

Even kissed him on the cheek.

“Well, I was the first to fall, at least” Isak proudly said.

“Yeah, I doubt that very much, babe” he said, turning Isak around to face him. “Tell me another one?”

Isak looked at Even for a second before turning around and leaning his back against his chest again, looking around the empty living room. There were thousands he could pick and choose from, in that room alone. But he knew which his favorite one was, and he knew it hadn’t taken place in the living room.

He took a deep breath, reaching up to grab hold of the hand Even had around Isak’s chest and was pressing slightly on his shoulder, and led the way back down the hall from where Even had come, until reaching the door to their bedroom. He hesitated, but after another long breath he entered the now empty bedroom, instantly being flooded by a million different images, all at once.

“The bedroom, huh?” Even said, smiling, but the way Isak looked back at him made him instantly turn serious.

Isak had some difficulty standing there in their bedroom like that, but soon out of all of the disconnected images that kept flashing before his eyes, one stood out, instantly calming him.

“Here” he said, quietly, standing next to where their bed once was, between the wall and Even’s side.

“Here?”

Isak nodded.

“You're gonna have to narrow that down for me, babe" Even said, smugly. "What happened here?”

“That time you were trying to switch from the lithium to lamotrigine, remember?” Isak asked him.

“I do, of course. It didn’t really work”

“You had a very bad episode. Took me all night to find you”

Even simply nodded, looking quite puzzled. Isak looked away from him and focused on the bed, specifically where he used to sleep.

“I brought you home, got you to bed, but you seemed to not want me near you. Anywhere near you, in fact. You kept—“

“Being mean? I remember, Isak. How is that a favorite memory of yours?”

“You got agitated and said I had to go away, and when you wouldn’t calm down I just went to the living room and waited for you to fall asleep” Isak said.

He could vividly re-watch the whole thing as he spoke, it was all so clear, so fresh.

“When you did I came back, but I was afraid to get in bed next to you and have you wake up to find me there and get upset, so instead I sat on the floor, with my back against the wall, right here” he told him, placing his palm on the wall as he glanced at Even.

Even could only watch him, still puzzled, but interested.

“I figured it was as close as I could get, you know? It was close but not **too** close? Of course, for me it wasn’t nearly close enough, but— I could see you just fine and watch you overnight”

“Isak—“

“But I fell asleep, which I—“

“Which you never do” Even said, looking at him intensely, but looking away as soon as Isak turned to him.

He never knew Even knew he never slept when he had an episode. It wasn’t a secret or anything, but he just never considered Even might’ve known. The way Even looked away after he admitted it, however, made Isak decide not to question him further. Instead, he continued telling him that favorite moment of his, the one Isak could almost see.

“I never do” he repeated. “Except for that night. When I woke up and realized I had fallen asleep I was kinda surprised and looked over at the bed to find you gone. But then I looked down—“ he said, turning to face Even once again. “And there you were. You had woken up at some point during the night and made your way over to me, falling asleep with your head on my lap and your body all curled up on the floor, so fucking calm" he said, turning to Even "You seemed to be so calm” he finished.

“I remember that” Even said.

He had his chin down and was looking at Isak the way someone does when they wear glasses and want to look over the frame, Isak noticed.

“You do?”

“I also woke up to find you gone, and when I turned to face the ceiling, I could spot you in the corner of my eye, sitting on the floor. I couldn’t remember what it was that I had told you that made you stay away, but I remember being so scared it might’ve been something unforgiveable, you have no idea”

“You didn’t”

“I didn’t know that, nor did I have the guts to ask you afterwards. I was too scared of what the answer would be”

“Even—“

“I watched you for a while, sitting there with your eyes closed, clinging to my Godard t-shirt”

“You do remember”

“You looked so beautiful. So I got up, slowly so you wouldn’t wake up and carefully made my way to you. At first I was just going to sit next to you, you know? But—“

“Yes?”

“It wasn’t close enough” he said, managing to smile.

“I was so relieved that you did that, you know? I tried getting up, but you moved and turned to me, wrapping your arms around my waist and I just—“

“What?”

“Stroked your hair until you woke up, hours later”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh” he said, nodding. “That’s it. That’s the memory”

“It’s not all happy, though”

“It doesn’t have to be. It isn’t what’s important. It isn’t why it matters”

“Why does it?”

“I woke up and you were there”

Isak smiled as he looked around the room.

“I spent so many nights watching you sleep in this room” 

“I watch you sleep every morning” Even told him.

“I know” he said, unable to hide a smile.

“You do?”

“Sometimes I wake up” he confessed.

“You cheat” Even said, pretending to be insulted. “Why don’t you say anything?”

“Because I like it? I like having your eyes on me. Besides, I usually can go back to sleep, after a while listening to you breathe”

As Even looked at him, Isak seemed unable to keeps his eyes from wondering around the empty bedroom. He seemed overwhelmed, Even was able to notice. 

“You know, we could maybe keep this place” he told Isak, who instantly turned to him.

“What? Why?” he asked him, intrigued.

“We don’t have to give it up after the lease ends. We can renew it for another year”

“Why would we want to do that?”

“I’m just saying— I don’t want you to be sad, Isak”

“Sad?” Isak asked him, confused.

“Yes. I don’t want to make you sad”

“I’m not sad, Even”

“Then why are you tearing up, babe? You keep looking around as if—” he began to say, but as soon as Isak looked away he stopped.

Isak went quiet for a beat. He hadn’t noticed he was about to cry until Even pointed it out.

“I can see you _everywhere_ here” Isak told him, only managing a quick glance at Even.

He knew he couldn't look at him for longer than a second.

“Everywhere I look" he said, quietly. "I can’t do that at the house. Not yet” he said, taking a deep breath before adding “But I will” sounding determined.

Even tilted his head to the side and smiled. When Isak finally looked at him it did make him cry.

“So you see, I’m not sad. I may be crying, but that’s because I’m stupid, not because I’m sad” he told him, quickly wiping his face and trying to stop his eyes from betraying him like that.

“You’re not stupid, Isak Valtersen” he said, taking a step closer to Isak.

They looked at each other for a moment, and when Even was about to take another step in Isak’s direction, Isak took a step back.

“It’s getting late, we should go” he said, eyeing him from top to bottom. “You can hold me later” he added, turning around and leaving the bedroom.

“How did you know I—“

“Come, Even”

When Even left the room and walked down the hall, Isak was holding the front door open, waiting for him.

He walked up to him, stopping a few feet away.

“One last look?” he suggested to Isak.

“Sure” Isak nodded. “One last look”

Even turned his head and attentively took one last look around the empty flat, quietly. Isak didn’t, instead he watched Even, unable to do anything but admire him.

One more memory, Isak thought.

**\\\**

After they finished with the boxes, Eva, Jonas, Mahdi, Vilde, Magnus, Chris, Even and Isak all sat on the floor in a circle, in the living room. There were boxes everywhere, including on the two sofas and on Even's chair.

“We should help you guys unpack” Eva said, looking at the around.

“Or, we should play a game while we wait for some pizza” Magnus suggested.

“Game? What game?” Sana said, bitterly.

“How about **‘Truth or Dare’**?” Vilde said, excitedly.

“I don’t think we ever played this. Not even when we were young enough to break into random houses” Isak said, glancing at Even.

“Come on, it’ll be fun” Vilde said, to a very unexcited crowd.

“I guess—“ Eva complied, clearly backing out on helping with the boxes.

“Yay!” Vilde said, clapping both hands together. “I’ll start. Eva. Truth or dare?”

“Truth”

“How old were you when you knew you’d marry Jonas?”

Eva looked at him for a beat, before turning back to face Vilde.

“I think I was 18? Or just about”

“Nice” Jonas said, winking at her.

“Aw. Your turn” Vilde said.

“Magnus? Which will it be?”

“Dare” 

“Come on, Eva is always the kindest person when it comes to distributing dares” Mahdi said.

“Why do you think I chose dare?” Magnus said, smugly.

“I am not!” she said, utterly insulted.

“Sorry hun, but you kinda are” Jonas told her.

“Oh, yeah? Magnus—“ she said, looking at him. “I dare you to go downstairs and take a dive”

Everybody started laughing, including a very unsuspecting Magnus.

“See? Piece of cake” he said, smugly.

Unfortunately, Magnus was laughing for the wrong reason.

“Where is the pool?” he asked Even and Isak.

“The door by the stairs, one floor down”

“I’ll be right back”

“You are evil” Sana told Eva, quite impressed.

“He has no clue, poor thing” Eva said, laughing.

“That was a thing of beauty. Well done” Isak told her, signaling as if he was bowing.

"I don't get it" Vilde said.

"They bought the house because of that pool" Chris told her.

"I know, it's a lovely story" Vilde said.

"Sure, although I'd make sure to ask before using said pool, if you know what I mean" Mahdi said.

"Pool sex? Really? Isn't that too uncomfortable?" she asked, turning to Isak and Even.

"Not if you do it right" Even said, to which Isak simply nodded in agreement.

“Did you guys label the box with towels?” Eva asked them, standing up.

“It’s by the door. We didn’t take it upstairs yet” Even said.

By the time she found and opened the right box, Magnus was coming upstairs, soaking wet. She handed him the towel, and Isak went up to the master bedroom to get some fresh clothes for him. Magnus followed, soon after.

Once they were back, Magnus sat next to Vilde, who couldn't look at him without giggling, and Isak sat beside Even, who put his arm around him once he did.

"My turn" He said, still running the towel on his hair. "Sana, Truth or Dare?"

"Truth" she hesitantly said, looking around.

"Who's the best couple of the group?"

"Fuck off, I'm not answering that" she immediately said.

"You said truth"

"Yes, but I didn't think you'd be such a prick"

"Sana!" Eva said.

"Well, come on. How am I supposed to answer that? It's not fair. Plus, it's too vague"

"Fine, I'll rephrase it then. Who do you think will be the ones to make it, long-term?"

"To be fair, that's also a bit vague" Isak said, trying to buy Sana some time.

By the way she looked at him, she appreciated the effort.

"How is that vague?" Magnus asked him, frustrated.

"Long-term? What is long-term?"

"As in not break up or divorce or something. I want to know who she thinks will be the ones to always be together. Is that precise enough for you?" Magnus said.

"I changed my mind. I pick dare" she said.

"Nope. No backsies"

"Backsies?" Isak repeated, laughing and having Jonas and Even join him soon after.

"Fuck off" Magnus told them.

"Rules are rules" Vilde says, managing to, with three words, get under Sana's skin.

She looked her dead in the eyes, turned to Magnus and simply stated.

“Fine, but I’m not answering that question” Sana said, determined.

“It is a bit of a bullshit question, dude” Jonas jumped in.

“Alright, I’ll rephrase it again then.” Magnus said. “Which couple do you wish you could be like?”

"Isak and Even" she quickly said.

"I knew it!" Magnus said, with a mixture of pride and annoyance to his tone.

They all exchanged looks, Eva and Jonas nodding in agreement, while Even and Isak smiled at one another and Vilde looked thoroughly displeased. Chris and Mahdi simply laughed.

"Explain" Vilde told her.

"Rules are rules, remember? He didn't ask me to explain" she said. "Mahdi?"

"Truth. I'd hate to be on the receiving end of one of your dares. It'd be worse than being dared by Eva"

"Why?" Magnus asked, clueless, but being ignored.

"Are you and Chris a thing now?"

"Pretty much?" he said, turning to Chris, who nodded. "Yeah"

"That was one lame question" Jonas commented.

"That’s because it’s a lame game" Sana mumbled.

“It’s not lame, you just need to ask the right questions in order to make it interesting” Chris suggested.

"Vilde?" Mahdi said.

"Dare"

"I dare you to say one nice thing to Sana"

“Like that one” Chris said, to which Eva nodded in agreement.

"What?" Vilde asked him.

"You heard me. But it's got to be honest" Mahdi explained.

She took a long pause.

"You're the most loyal person I know" Vilde told Sana.

It was the funniest thing, Isak noticed. Vilde was visibly annoyed by having to perform that dare, but as she did it, it was as if she changed, going back to her usual, happy self.

"Aw" Eva said.

Sana smiled, Vilde did too.

"My turn! Even. Truth or Dare?"

"Truth"

"Are you sure?" Sana asked.

"Positive" He said, blinking at Vilde, who smiled like a school girl with a crush.

"Two-parter. First part. Do you ever miss girls?"

"What?"

"You know"

"Oh, I like this one" Chris said, closely paying attention all of a sudden.

"Do I miss girls? That's your question?"

"Yeah"

"No, I don't" He said, extremely serious, before looking at Isak, who half-smiled.

"Never?"

"No, not ever. Why?"

"What kind of a pan are you?" Mahdi said.

"The usual kind?"

"I think it's sweet" Eva said.

"Of course you do" Sana told her.

"Second part. Ready?” she asked him.

“Always” he said.

“Will you ever propose?"

"Vilde, what the fuck?" Jonas immediately said.

"It's an honest question" she defended. "Isak doesn't mind"

"Are you serious?" Sana asked, looking at her as though she was high on meth.

"I don't, actually" Isak casually volunteered, to the amazement of the lot.

"What?" Sana said, absolutely baffled.

"I really don't" He assured her.

"See?" Vilde told her, turning to Even. "Even?"

"Will I ever propose?" He repeated, quickly glancing back at Isak. "Yes, I think I will"

“Oh my God!” Vilde said, happily.

"What was that?" Sana said, looking back from Isak to Even.

"What was what?" Even asked.

"That look"

"What look?" Isak asked.

"That look you gave him. What was that?"

"I gave a look?" Isak said.

"Did no one see it? There was a look"

"I didn't see anything" Jonas said, matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, me neither" Eva joined in.

"Shit, I can't believe no one noticed that look"

They all got distracted by Chris' ringtone.

"I hadn't heard a ringtone in five years" Eva mentioned.

"Shit, it's my boss" Chris said, standing up and walking out the room.

"Go on, Even. You're next" Jonas said.

“Chris, hang on” Even said.

“Okay, hurry. I pick truth”

“Are you still turned on by Isak?” Even asked, quickly.

Everyone laughed.

“All the time, are you nuts?” Chris said, winking at a smiley Isak.

“Jonas?” she said.

“Please, turn that ring off” Sana said.

"Truth" Jonas told her.

"Have you ever been attracted to one of the guys?" she said, picking up her call and walking away.

Again, they all laughed.

"Well" he said, turning to Eva.

"That night at the club, right?” she told him, to which he nodded.

"What night?" Mahdi asked, intrigued.

"I think it was Vilde’s birthday, years ago” Eva said.

“We all got so drunk. And so high” he said.

“I don’t remember that” Isak said.

“That’s because we got so fucking high. I remember the day after” Mahdi said.

“I remember the getting sick after” Even said. 

“Anyway, you started talking about Even, and how good a kisser he was” he told Isak.

“I did?” Isak asked, completely drawing the biggest blank of his existence.

“And I remember telling Eva how hot it was to hear someone talk like that about someone else”

“Wait, you felt attracted to Isak or Even?”

“Isak” Jonas said, simply.

“That’s so cool” Magnus said, smiling.

“What?” a dumbfounded Isak asked.

“You don’t remember telling me about it?” Even asked Jonas.

“I did?” Jonas asked, laughing.

“Yep” Even nodded.

“What?” Isak repeated, still unable to believe.

“I told you to go for it. Then you went on for about thirty minutes about how you loved Eva and couldn’t act on it because of her” he said, laughing.

“Aw, babe” Eva said, kissing him.

“You told him to go for it?” Isak asked Even, clearly insulted.

“As a joke, babe. At first I thought he was kidding” Even explained.

“Were you?” Mahdi asked Jonas, who shook his head.

“That was the craziest night. We broke up that night, didn't we?” Magnus asked Vilde.

"Twice" she said.

"Isak?" Jonas then said.

"Shit" Isak said.

"What?"

"You're high, that's what"

"So? You are too"

"I know, but when you get high you get all romantic, as was demonstrated by that story"

"I do not!" Jonas said, defensively.

"Yeah, you do" Sana said.

"I don't!" he told them.

"You kinda do, babe" Eva said, smiling and running her hands on his back

"Does that mean you pick dare?"

"I'm too tired to perform a dare" Isak told him.

"Truth it is, then"

"Ugh"

"Would you ever-- Strike that" he paused for the longest moment, making everybody smile. "How long would it take you to get over Even? Like, if you two were to break up, how long before you started dating again?"

"If we broke up?"

"Yeah. For whatever reason and whenever. Five, twenty years from now - doesn't matter"

"I--" He said, stopping to look at Even, who watched carefully as he spoke. "Don't read too much into this" He added, before continuing.

"Go on" Jonas said, softly.

"I wouldn't. I mean, provided I'd survive it, I don't think I would"

"Are you serious?" Magnus asked.

"He's serious" Sana said.

"Isak—" Even began to say before Isak interrupted.

"I said 'don't read too much into it'"

"You really wouldn't date again?" Jonas asked, interested.

"Why would I want to date again?"

"Your turn" Eva told Isak, smiling kindly.

"We all went. There's no one else to ask, unless we wait for Chris..."

"Ask me" Even said.

"You?"

"Why not? Go ahead, ask me anything, babe"

"Okay..." He said, before biting his lip. "Same question"

"If you ever broke up with me?"

"Or you with me, yes"

"Well, I'm not as brave as you, so... I'd probably try to date again"

"You bitch!" Jonas said, joking.

They all laughed, but Even and Isak didn't, they simply kept staring at each other.

"You would?" Isak asked him.

"I'd probably try and find someone who would turn out to be pathetically similar to you, only to break up with him because he wasn't you"

"Why?"

"It'd be too sad"

"Why a him and not a her?" Mahdi asked.

"It'd still be sad" He told them, without taking his eyes off of Isak. "They'd be this ghost Isak, see? It would only make me more aware of the fact that you were gone"

"That's one good answer" Isak said.

**\\\**

Jonas and Eva were the last ones to leave. Even was the one who walked them out, while Isak barely had the strength to get up from the couch and go to the kitchen to get some water and take some aspirin for his head. Once he did, he immediately dragged himself back to the couch, resuming his previous _'I'm so tired I could die'_ position.

"There" Even said, falling next to Isak on the couch, resting his head on his shoulder. "Now it's just us" he added.

"It's going to take us months to unbox everything" Isak said, running his fingers through Even's hair, gently.

"Good thing there's enough room"

"That's true"

"Is our bed upstairs?" Even asked him.

"Our bed?"

"I'm just asking because-- Isn't that a mattress? Over there?" he said, pointing at the TV room, across the hall, on the opposite side of where they were.

There was a mattress leaning against the wall, held up by several brown cardboard boxes.

"Um... Yes?"

"You're not sure?"

"I am. I'm just not sure where that mattress came from"

"It's not ours?"

"No, I took our bed upstairs with Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi. It was the first thing we did before you and I went back to lock the flat"

"Is it from the spare bedroom?"

"No, I also helped move that one"

"Maybe a gift, then?"

"From who? Santa?"

Even laughed.

"Why did you think of Santa?" he asked Isak.

"Who else would just leave a gift for us to find?"

"Not Santa" he said, laughing even harder.

"Shut up, I'm too tired to think of a better one"

"Santa..."

They went quiet for a moment, Isak stroking Even's hair and Even trying to keep his eyes open as he did.

"Is this where you want the couch?"

"You mean you don't like it diagonally?"

"Not a fan, not really"

"Me neither, but it's staying like this for the foreseeable future"

"Doubt it"

"Why?"

"You can't take a day with a crooked sofa, babe"

"Yes I can"

"Right"

"You don't think I can?"

"I give it two hours"

"Two hours?" Isak repeated, offended.

"Two hours. Come midnight this couch will have been moved three times, at the very least"

"Now, not only will it stay like this tonight, but I'll probably grow to like it and just leave it this way, permanently"

"We both know you can't do that"

"Oh we do, do we?"

"Yes, we do"

"Wanna bet?"

"Sure. This will be the easiest win of my life. Easier than that time we bet you couldn't go a day without biting your lip"

"I was winning that bet. You're the one who made me lose it"

"You forfeited"

"Sure, because you kept teasing me"

"I wasn't teasing you"

"You spent three hours speaking only through innuendo"

"I did not. I spoke like I normally do"

"Every word, Even. Every word had this double meaning"

"It did not"

"Yes it did. And when you couldn't think of one, you'd just say these random words that sounded dirty"

"Like what? Name three"

"Petcock, Sextant and cockchafer?"

Even laughed.

"I don't even know what a cockchafer is"

"It's a beetle"

"Oh yeah. True" he said, still laughing. "You still lost"

"Forfeited. You said so yourself"

"What do you want to bet this time? Bare in mind you'll probably have to pay up before we go to bed tonight" he teased.

"Keep that up and you'll be spending our first night sleeping on Santa's mattress, smiley"

"Speaking of which, you know there's only one proper way of spending our first night in the new house, don't you?"

"Does it involve swimming?"

"Are you too tired?"

"Not for swimming, no"

Even smiled, while Isak kept stroking his hair, slowly.

"Do you think we'll be happy here?"

"We already are" Isak told him, and it made Even lean closer.

**\\\**

Even was inside the pool, watching Isak as he undressed. There was nothing quite like feeling Even's eyes on him, Isak would often think.

They maintained eye contact as he took off his jeans, and although Even's eyes would sometimes move up and down, he would always go back to looking Isak in the eye.

He got in the pool and noticed the water was just right. As they moved closer to one another, Even smiled.

"What should we get first? For the house"

"Towels. Lots and lots of towels" Isak said, wrapping his arms around Even's neck and kissing him.

"What else?" he asked.

"I already got you something"

"Yeah?"

"It's not a surprise or anything. I just saw it and thought you'd like it, so I bought it"

"What is it?"

"A projector. For the TV room"

"No way! I thought of getting one"

"I know, that's why I'm telling you. So you won't"

Even kissed him.

"We'll need a bigger sofa"

"Yes, we will" Even said.

"But we can wait until you get back before we buy one"

"Why wait? You can choose, I don't mind"

"No. I'd rather have you choose with me. We both need to like it"

Even kissed him again, this time for longer.

"Did you mean what you said before? When it was Jonas' turn to ask you?"

"About surviving a break up?"

"Uh-huh"

"I meant what I said"

"I don't know how I feel about that"

"You don't?"

"I mean, it was possibly one of the nicest things you've ever said, but--"

"Yes?"

"You're the one always talking about possibilities. I don't like the idea of you being that sad"

"It's not about being sad, I think. And... It's not about you having a say in it either" He admitted.

Even kept looking at him.

"I don't mean to sound harsh--"

"I'm just trying to understand, to be honest"

"I just... I know I should be able to analyse it. I should be able to distance myself long enough and far enough to actually understand it better" He said. It's just that I keep coming back to the same conclusion, every time"

"Which is?"

"There's only you, Even"

**\\\**

They spent the weekend inside, barely remembering to unpack at all.

On Monday night, after a particularly long day at the University, Isak got home later than usual and found Even unboxing the kitchen. He had made dinner and while he waited for Isak to arrive he was able to completely fix up the kitchen, spending a great deal of time fixing up his favorite new addiction: the pantry.

“What do you say we don’t unpack anything else tonight and, instead, we just go to bed early?” Even asked Isak as he took his plate to the kitchen.

“That actually sounds good. I don’t think I have it in me to go through boxes tonight” Isak said, rubbing his right eye.

He had been having the worst headache all week long, and probably had overdone it at the lab today, having spent too many consecutive hours going over data.

“I just need to open one specific box, the one with all the medicine. Do you know where we put it?” he asked Even, while standing up and walking over to the hall.

Most of the boxes were still piled up over by the staircase. They hadn’t had time to go through every single one, so Isak figured leaving them by the stairs would prove handy. If a given box was meant to be upstairs, they would simply carry it up. If it was supposed to be in one of the downstairs rooms, the distance would be the same.

“I think it’s in the study. Eva mentioned something about placing it there Saturday, but I don’t remember why” Even said, as he finished cleaning out the dinner table.

“That’s logical” Isak mumbled as he walked over to the study.

He had taken most of the painkillers he had left unpacked, and still it was doing him no good. He thought it might’ve been the fact he had skipped lunch again, considering maybe his empty stomach was somehow the cause for the pain to worsen, but he had just eaten and it was still not getting any better. Also, he couldn’t mention that theory to Even, seeing as he could fairly certainly assume that would lead to a scolding. Even hated when Isak skipped lunch. He could never understand someone with low blood pressure just deciding to not eat every couple of hours.

Even worried too much.

Isak was too tired to go into it just now, anyway, so he just silently regretted not listening to Even.

As he opened the box in the study, there was one small, black box he had packed himself, rather in a hurry. Beneath it was the medicine bag – which he could swear he had placed in another box, but at this juncture he couldn’t be one hundred percent positive, so he ignored it.

He took out the black box and put it under his left arm, before he unzipped the medicine bag in search for some aspirin. He opened the bottle, taking two aspirins at once and swallowing them, knowing full well it wouldn’t be enough. If only he hadn’t smoked all the pot with Jonas, he thought.

Standing there, next to a small pile of three boxes, he decided to open that small black box. He knew what it was, of course, having been the one who bought it, about seven years ago. It did look as though it was older, something he dismissed but made sure to notice in order to take the time to mend it or cutting out the middleman and buying a new, larger box altogether. It was his box. He had bought it at a street fair he had gone to with Eva once, and he remembered to this day how when he saw the box he instantly thought he should get it. _Somewhere to store some memories _, he thought at the time.__

__He had a tendency of doing that, consciously cataloguing memories, every now and again. There were those he couldn’t contain, such as memories about certain facts or circumstances; there were the ones he shared with Even, most of which needed no special allocation of neither thought nor energy, for they were always pretty unforgettable and Isak could never hope to store them all in just one place, anyway – they were too many and too good to keep locked up; and then there were some that were of another kind, fitting in a different category. Memories that were somehow his and his alone, regardless of having been shared with someone else. They involved certain moments, minutes and occurrences that were, to Isak, extra special and therefore in need of proper care. That’s why he bought the black box.  
It was no bigger than a sheet of writing paper, but it was deep enough to keep certain memories safe._ _

__They were random, never needing to follow a specific theme or chronology. They needed, however, to be properly kept. Separated from the rest, not because of their individual importance, necessarily, but rather, due to their worth. Regardless of the reasons why they had been singled out, those were memories that had significance and were absolutely prestigious._ _

__As Isak opened the box, taking a couple of more aspirins before doing so, he couldn’t help but smile. Carefully examining its contents, the very first item being a picture of an eighteen year old Even, sleeping, taken by Isak, the first time he had spent the night without Isak having to ask him to. Even never knew about that photo, and would probably never find out, Isak considered for a second._ _

__After carefully admiring it for a beat, Isak held up another item, this time a silver pen. It was tied with a simple string, resting on top of dozens of asymmetrical and multicolored pieces of paper. He undid the bow and put the pen behind his right ear, and then he went through each piece of paper. They were drawings, and most had Isak as the main subject. Years and years of Even’s drawings to Isak, and he had kept every single one, of course._ _

__He was just about to continue to sort through his box, when he felt a sharp, shooting pain in his right eye again. This time, however, it didn’t go away merely with him rubbing it or putting pressure on it with his hand. It kept getting worse, making the light hurt his eyes and every image appear blurry and unfocused._ _

__“Even!” he called out, putting the box down._ _

__“Yeah?” Even replied, and it was so loud Isak could’ve sworn he spoke through a megaphone._ _

__Not thirty seconds later, Even was standing at the study’s doorway, looking at Isak as Isak had one hand still covering his eye and had his head down._ _

__“I— something’s not right” was all Isak could say before losing balance and knocking the black box to the ground, spreading all of its contents throughout the study’s floor._ _

__A startled Even rushed to him, preventing him from falling over, holding him up._ _

__“What is it, Isak?” he asked, and it was as though he was purposefully shouting as loud as he possibly could on Isak’s ear._ _

__Isak could barely think._ _

__“My head” he said, as the pain kept getting worse. “Fuck, my head is going to fucking pop” Isak said._ _

__“Did you find the aspirin?”_ _

__“It only made it worse, I might as well have swallowed a couple of Tic-Tacs” he said, angrily._ _

__“From this flask? You took it from this flask?” Even said, as he showed Isak a bottle Isak couldn’t quite make out._ _

__“Please, not so loud, baby”_ _

__“Did you take it from this vile, here?”_ _

__“Does it say Aspirin on it?”_ _

__“Yes, it does. This is at least four years old, Isak. Didn’t you read the label?”_ _

__“Shit, no. I was in too much pain”_ _

__“How many did you take?”_ _

__“Two. Then another two”_ _

__“Four? You took four pills from this?”_ _

__“Four aspirins, yes”_ _

__“I gotta take you to the hospital, babe. I don’t know what it is you took”_ _

__“Aspirin. Jesus, Even, calm down. It was a bit old, that’s all”_ _

__“Babe, I can count at least three Es here. I don’t know if you took any aspirin”_ _

__“What?!”_ _

__“I’m getting you to the hospital. Can you walk?”_ _

__“Of course I can walk” he said, stumbling but sure, that could be considered some kind of walking, Isak thought._ _

__It was probably a bad time to tell Even he couldn’t really read the label in the first place._ _

__**TO BE CONTINUED** _ _


	6. I Know You're Scared (Part II)

On the night of the accident, when Even got to the hospital with Isak, the doctors took Isak immediately to surgery. He had suffered a _moderate traumatic brain injury to the anterior temporal lobe _– which is responsible for behavior, emotion, olfaction and some memory. He was lethargic, had been unconscious for a lot longer than twenty minutes and presented bleeding of the brain. The surgery to drain the hematoma, however, was considered a success.__

__His coma was induced so that Isak’s brain could recover – as well as his body, and also for the doctors to make sure the bleeding in his brain had indeed been stopped. They needed to be certain that no new lesions would present themselves, for more often than not, patients that went to the hospital with TBIs would take hours – sometimes longer – to show symptoms._ _

__In Isak’s case, the doctors were able to get to the affected area in time, and no further bleeding was observed. There was one clot, an incredibly small lesion that was deliberately left untreated - an **intracerebral hematoma**. Only Isak and Even were ever told this, and no one, not Isak’s family nor any of their friends, knew about it. It meant Isak had a blood clot that was formed within the brain tissue itself, and as Isak would always remind Even, it sounded much worse than it actually was, for it was expected to be absorbed naturally by his body, over time. _ _

__Time, as Dr. Pedersen was always sure to remind Isak, was indeed everything. If he could go eighteen months without any change, meaning no growth, no bleeding or no new clots, Isak could consider himself officially discharged – _cured_ , as Even would often tell him. Until then, there was only one thing to be done: they had to wait._ _

__He did go into the ER unconscious, and he did have to be put into a coma so technically, it wasn’t until a year after the accident that he could be considered officially out of danger. However, given the remaining lesion, the team of doctors who were responsible for his care thought it best to wait longer until properly discharging him. Not much longer, only six months. So, instead of being discharged a year after the accident, Isak would get a clean bill of health after reaching the eighteen month mark. Until then, anything could happen, because until the remaining hematoma could be observed to have been fully absorbed, there could be others that could potentially appear, or the hematoma itself could enlarge – worst case scenarios, Isak was always the first to note._ _

__What had always bothered him, however, was the prognosis. It was good, solid and vague as fuck, Isak had always thought. He could live his life normally and never have the lesion become a problem, or it could potentially turn him into a houseplant before the eighteen months were up. He still never mentioned this to Even, of course. He made sure to only think it, and whenever possible, to do it as far away from Even as he could, because he knew Even could all but read his mind and he didn’t want him reading that. Never that._ _

__They rarely spoke of it. It was one of those things they did but never discussed – if only in passing, or with a _‘we got this’_ disposition. It had turned into habit, reflex. And, although not nearly as tender as the habit of being held by Even without having to ask, this was also one of their little traditions. If ever Isak mentioned it, Even would always look at him, concerned but determined, and say something that could always make Isak smile – even when he didn’t want to smile; When Even was the one to bring it up though, Isak felt it was easier to handle. He could simply throw facts and odds at him, say them in a way he couldn’t tell he was unsure, and try his best to hide that the clot itself wasn’t the problem._ _

__Ultimately, neither one of them knew if what they said, how they handled it - or didn’t, for that matter - was indeed the right way to go about it. But they did it together, and it was the best they could do, and that fact was one both of them would always agree on._ _

__It didn’t make it go away, the worry. And they would always have a weird few hours following the first mentioning of it, but it was nothing Even couldn’t fix by putting his arms around Isak and holding him for a while – something Even was extremely proud of._ _

__The wait had been the worst part. On that, they also agreed. But it had become part of their lives, and they’d grown accustomed to it, to the point of going exceptionally long periods of time without even thinking about it. Until they were forced to think about it._ _

__**\\\** _ _

__Once he saw Isak almost fall to the ground at the study, Even began to get scared. Isak’s check-up was already scheduled for the 21st. As worried as he was, as nervous and shaken, Even could only think one thing as he drove Isak to the hospital that night: they still had seventeen days to go until the 21st._ _

__He all but carried Isak to the reception at the ER._ _

__“Excuse me, we need help” he told a nurse who was on the phone and barely paid any attention._ _

__“I’ll be right with you, sir” she said, dismissively, and without looking at them once._ _

__Even looked at her, flabbergasted, turning red and slamming his hand on the counter._ _

__“Hey!” Even said, angrily. “We! Need! Help!”_ _

__The sheer sound of his palm hitting the wood of the counter after every word almost made Isak pass out._ _

__“Just a minute” the nurse kindly said to whoever was on the other side of the line, as she turned and looked at Even, extremely pissed off. “Yes?” she said._ _

__“He can’t see” Even said, as Isak sort of waved at her, which no one really understood. Even then thought it best to add “And he may have taken some bad E”._ _

__“Sir—“ the nurse began to say, holding out her index finger, pointing at him._ _

__“Look, he was in a car crash last year and he had a pretty massive head injury. Now, for the past week or so he’s had a headache that won’t get better, only worse" he said, getting more and more nervous as he spoke. "Am I going to have to call the police before he gets some fucking attention?” Even said, sounding unbelievably mad._ _

__“Follow me” the nurse said, hanging up the phone and getting up, leading the way back to triage._ _

__Isak had very little idea what was going on, but he did think he could be almost sure at least one of the pills was ecstasy, because even though he wanted to smash his head in the fucking wall, he was also about to beg Even to do the same to him, right then and there._ _

__So yes, Isak thought. _At least one E_. That’ll be fun to explain._ _

__Even sat him down on a stretcher and the nurse took his vitals and began to ask him some routine questions._ _

__“Okay, honey, what is your name?” she asked him, kindly._ _

__“I— Isak” he said, having trouble with the light she was flashing in his eyes._ _

__“Alright Isak, I’m Dr. Hagen. Tell me what’s going on. Can you do that?” she kindly asked._ _

__That’s when Even realized the nurse was actually a doctor._ _

__“My head. It’s about to explode, is what’s going on”_ _

__“Since when?”_ _

__“Half an hour, maybe?” he said, turning to look at Even for reassurance._ _

__“I thought you said a week?” she asked Even, raising one eyebrow in suspicion._ _

__“I’ve had a headache for a week. The need to shoot myself because of it started half an hour ago and it won’t fucking go away” Isak tried explaining it to her as eloquently as possible._ _

__“Oh” she said, turning her head back to face him. “So, on a scale from one to ten, then—?”_ _

__“It got to a nine. Now, it’s a solid eight” Isak said, squinting._ _

__“Got it.”_ _

__“Yay” Isak said, rather involuntarily._ _

__He reached out his left hand and got hold of Even’s jacket sleeve, making a fist and squeezing it as tightly as he possibly could. Even could always all but read his mind, surely he could tell this meant Isak was in a lot of pain and also needed him close – possibly on top of him, quite soon._ _

__Yes, Even could probably tell._ _

__Dr. Hagen watched his hand for a second, and as he went quiet but still didn’t remove it from Even’s jacket, she went back to asking him questions, ignoring the spasm like moment he was having._ _

__“And why did you think ingesting MDMA would somehow help?”_ _

__"MDMA can cause mania-like experiences, hallucinations and synesthesia. It wouldn't decongest the brain vessels, like pot, for example” he told her, still watching Even._ _

__“Are you a doctor?”_ _

__“No, he’s just really smart” Even volunteered._ _

__“Smart enough to ingest Ecstasy to treat a headache?” she asked him, in what was a pretty honest question, Isak thought. But it made Even look quite angry._ _

__“Look—“ he began to say before Isak interrupted him._ _

__“I don’t know that I took any E, lady. I thought I was taking some more aspirin”_ _

__“Oh?” she said, looking at Even once again._ _

__“It was sort of on the same vile? It was a very old vile. See, we just moved and we couldn’t find the box with the medication—“ Even said._ _

__“You keep old aspirin in the same vile as you do old drugs? That does sound smart” she said, as she wrote something down on her clipboard._ _

__He could hear the unbelievably loud sound of the pen running on the paper and it was making him want to scream._ _

__“I couldn’t read what was written on the bottle” Isak said, wishing for everyone to just shut up for a single second._ _

__He still refused to move his hand away from Even._ _

__Both the doctor and Even looked at him._ _

__“What do you mean you couldn’t read it?” she asked._ _

__“You couldn’t see the bottle?” Even asked, concerned._ _

__“I could see it, I just couldn’t read it. It was as if some of the letters were missing”_ _

__“Like every other letter or a portion of the vile?”_ _

__“The latter”_ _

__“Oh”_ _

__“ _'Oh'?_ ” Even repeated, freaking out. “He couldn’t see the road, either. But like, huge chunks of it. He didn’t see whole cars”_ _

__“Okay. Calm down. What can you see now?”_ _

__“I can see normally now. It’s just a bit shiny”_ _

__“What is?”_ _

__“Everything?”_ _

__“But no more blind spots?”_ _

__“No”_ _

__“And the accident?”_ _

__“Car crash. I broke a few ribs and hit my head. I was in a coma for a week, took another month recovering from it and a little longer getting my memory back”_ _

__“Which you did?”_ _

__“Yes” he said, quickly. “Can I please get something for the pain, now?”_ _

__“In a moment, honey. Let me ask about the drugs, first.”_ _

__“Fine”_ _

__“You think you took some ecstasy simply because it was in the same bottle?” she asked._ _

__“That, and the fact that I feel like I’m about to jump my boyfriend here at any second, yes”_ _

__“Okay! We need to run some blood work, do a CT and an MRI before medicating you. We have to know exactly what you took, but it doesn’t seem like we’ll need to pump your stomach”_ _

__“Will it take long? Because maybe you won’t have to—”_ _

__“I’m sorry, but what the hell is it? What’s wrong with him?”_ _

__“Probably a migraine, but because of his medical history we need to be careful it isn’t anything relating to the previous injury”_ _

__“Okay” Even said, clearly alarmed._ _

__“I’m a little—“ he said, swallowing as if he was trying not to throw up._ _

__“Nauseous?”_ _

__“Uh-huh” he nodded._ _

__“I’ll get you some ice” she said, turning around and leaving._ _

__“Oh, good. Ice” he said, turning to Even. “I feel like we’re in a pretend hospital”_ _

__“What can I do?” Even asked him, nervously._ _

__Isak looked at him, biting his lip._ _

__“Aside from that. Babe, try and fight the E”_ _

__The doctor came back with a paper cup full of ice chips._ _

__“Here” she said, giving it to Even. “Make sure he keeps eating those. I’ll be right back to take him in for the MRI”_ _

__**\\\** _ _

__As Isak lay sleeping, Even sat in a chair next to the hospital bed. He tried to remain still, so as not to wake him, but his legs couldn’t keep a secret, and they seemed to shake, involuntarily._ _

__They were in a room, still down in the ER._ _

__“Even?” he said, keeping his eyes shut._ _

__“Hey, beautiful” he said, as he stood up._ _

__“How long have I been out?”_ _

__“Three hours”_ _

__“Jesus”_ _

__“How’s your head?” he said, running his hand over Isak’s forehead._ _

__“Weird” he simply said. “I’m sorry. I should’ve asked you to get the pills” he added, opening his eyes and looking at a worried Even._ _

__“It’s okay, babe”_ _

__“You should go home”_ _

__“Are you nuts?”_ _

__“You look exhausted, Even”_ _

__“I’m fine, Isak. Don’t worry about me”_ _

__As they spoke, a doctor came in the room._ _

__“Isak? Even!” he said, shaking their hands and smiling._ _

__“Dr. Pedersen. Good to see you” Even said._ _

__“How are you feeling?” he asked Isak._ _

__“He said his head feels weird” Even volunteered, which Isak found kinda cute._ _

__“Well, we were worried it might’ve been a new clot or an enlargement of the existing hematoma—“_ _

__Even looked so terrified, Isak could only concentrate on him._ _

__“But? There’s a _‘but’_ there, right?” he asked, wide-eyed._ _

__“But it wasn’t” he smiled. “There’s no growth of the previous lesion” he assured them._ _

__“Are you sure?” Even asked Dr. Pedersen._ _

__“The MRI was clear. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Luckily, this really was just a very bad migraine”_ _

__“A migraine?” Isak asked him, not quite able to understand._ _

__“Not any migraine, of course. What you experienced is known as a _migraine with aura_. They are quite rare, and after the symptoms present themselves, the pain that follows can be extreme” he explained them. “But, they aren’t life-threatening” he added. _ _

__“But the not seeing and the weird behavior?” Even asked him._ _

__“Scotoma, vision loss, paresthesia and aphasia are all symptoms of the migraine” he said. “That and of course, there was some interaction with the Ecstasy. Did you happen to get numb?” he asked Isak._ _

__“Yes” Isak admitted._ _

__“Yes?” Even asked him, surprised._ _

__“I couldn’t quite explain it, but it sort of traveled? It started on my tongue and then it moved”_ _

__“Why didn’t you tell me?” Even asked him._ _

__“I mistook it for the E” he said, somewhat ashamed. “I get tingly when I take E” he said, unable to look Dr. Pedersen in the eyes._ _

__“Oh” Even and Dr. Pedersen both said, at the same time._ _

__“I had to come to the hospital for a migraine?” Isak said, more to himself than to either Even or the doctor._ _

__“People who experience this kind of migraine for the first time usually do. It usually gets mistaken with a possible minor vascular infarction”_ _

__“A what?” Even asked._ _

__“A stroke” Isak told him, and he seemed to get even more uncomfortable._ _

__And scared, he looked so scared._ _

__“You” he turned to Even. “Were absolutely right in bringing him in. With his history, not coming in would’ve been reckless”_ _

__“I’m sorry, I just need to be sure—“ Even started saying._ _

__He had his arms crossed, holding each elbow as if he were cold._ _

__“He’s going to be fine. I’ll prescribe a specific drug for when another migraine such as this happens, but once the shock subsides, you two can go about your routine as if nothing had happened. We just need to keep Isak here in observation overnight, just to be safe” he said._ _

__“Okay. Thank you, Dr. Pedersen” Even said, relieved._ _

__“I have to ask, should I call your father’s room, Isak?”_ _

__“God, no”_ _

__“Yes but, in cases such as these, with you being admitted, we need to contact a family member. It’s policy”_ _

__“Oh no, you don’t” Isak said, starting to get agitated._ _

__“Sorry, we do”_ _

__“It’s okay, babe” Even tried to calm him._ _

__“No, it’s not. I don’t want you to” he said, irritated. “Besides, Even is my family. We’re getting married” he blurted out._ _

__“You are?” Dr. Pedersen asked, smiling. “That’s great news, congratulations”_ _

__“Thanks” Even said, smiling as Dr. Pedersen shook his hand, excitedly._ _

__It was the first time since they had gotten to the ER Even had smiled._ _

__“In that case, I’m going to have to steal Even for a minute” he told Isak._ _

__“Okay, sure”_ _

__“I’ll be right back, babe” he said._ _

__He looked more like himself again, was all Isak could notice._ _

___What a relief_ , Isak thought _ _

__**\\\** _ _

__When Even came back to the room, Isak was asleep._ _

__He carefully made his way next to him, moving Isak’s hair from his forehead gently. He stood there for a beat, watching him, before turning to go sit down._ _

__“Even?” Isak said, rather startled._ _

__“I’m here” Even told him, turning back around and standing beside him in a flash._ _

__“I want to go home”_ _

__“We will, babe. Tomorrow morning”_ _

__“I can’t sleep here”_ _

__“Of course you can sleep, you were doing it two minutes ago” he said, kindly._ _

__Isak just looked back at him, not knowing how to reply._ _

__“How are you feeling?”_ _

__“No longer high, which was really helping with the prospects of spending the night in this place”_ _

__“That’s good, though”_ _

__“No pain, either” he thought it best to say._ _

__“That’s better”_ _

__“Are you hungry?” Even asked._ _

__“Starving”_ _

__“Do you want me to go get you something from the cafeteria?”_ _

__“Nah. Hospital food is too depressing”_ _

__“Yeah. You’ve had your share for at least a few decades”_ _

__“Exactly”_ _

__“I’ll think of something” Even said._ _

__Isak looked at him and noticed how tired Even seemed. It was too much stress, too much information too suddenly. He was always a bit hesitant in situations such as these, because it was always a bit of a coin toss. Sometimes a stressful situation would make Even focus and deal with it perfectly. Other times it just took too much from him, almost always becoming part of an episode further down the line._ _

__He hated that he thought of that, because in the end, isn’t that how it goes for just about everyone? People always either face something head on or deny it, dealing with the consequences later – be it a breakdown or exacerbated guilt or, why not, a bipolar episode?_ _

__Ultimately, what Isak wished that he could see Even face it and come out better from it, or maybe selfishly – why not? – that he would wait a bit to feel sad after Isak was all better. If Isak was better he could take care of him, it was as simple as that._ _

__“Go home, baby” he told him._ _

__“What? No way”_ _

__“I have to be here, you don’t. Hospitals are awful, and you heard Dr. Pedersen, I’m fine. There’s no reason for you to stay”_ _

__“There are plenty of reasons for me to stay, Isak. You don’t have to worry about me, I’m not going to snap” he said, rather irritated._ _

__His mind reading skills were in top shape, apparently. It only made Isak feel bad._ _

__“I know you’re not. I just— It’s so awful spending the night in a place such as this”_ _

__“I know that” he told him. “That’s precisely why you won’t do it alone”_ _

__“Even—“_ _

__“Besides, I need to go get you something to eat. Unless you prefer to eat the delicious jell-o that tastes as if it were supposed to be a different color?”_ _

__When Isak was recovering from his coma, he kept having difficulty communicating. In the first few days, it was as if some parts of his brain were a bit mixed up, jumbled up together, sort of, which made Isak incur in a couple of what he later deemed as _‘switches’_. He would think of a word and say it, but what would come out would be something else entirely, which was obviously rather confusing for whoever heard it. It was a hundred times more confusing to be the one saying it, though._ _

__As his condition improved, he made less and less of these _switches_ , which were pretty much untranslatable. One afternoon, as Eva and Sana spent the day with him, they kept offering him jell-o, and the first few times he gladly ate it, for it was one of the very few things that didn’t upset his stomach at the time. However, at one point Sana gave him a yellow, orange flavored jell-o, and after the first spoonful, all Isak could taste was strawberry. So he refused to eat the rest, saying it tasted as if it were a different flavor. What they heard was him saying _"Yellow tastes like Marlboro"_. Evidently, he was mixing up the words, but it took Even getting there later that night for the switch to be cleared up. The first time Isak tried explaining it to him, he grabbed hold of the pack of smokes in Even’s pocket and repeated _"The yellow tastes like Marlboro"_ , pointing at the pack. A very laid back Even simply asked _“It tastes like it’s supposed to be red? Like cherry or strawberry?”_ and made Isak love him as much as any human could possibly be able to do._ _

__They never discussed it, not that particular event. But it was quite meaningful to a recovering Isak, having Even be able to understand him, even when he made no apparent sense._ _

__It was one of the memories he had saved up in the black box, incidentally. Isak had saved the packet of an orange gelatin, with a post-it glued to it with the word _‘red’_ written on it._ _

__“Isak?”_ _

__“Yes?”_ _

__“I said ‘do you want anything else?’”_ _

__“No, baby. I’m good”_ _

__“Okay. I won’t be long” Even said, looking at him rather intrigued._ _

__As Even left, Isak turned to his side and closed his eyes. Not because he felt any pain or was particularly tired, but because his head was still feeling a little fuzzy, and he simply hated feeling as though he wasn’t in control of his own body – let alone his own mind._ _

__“Isak Valtersen” a female voice eventually called out._ _

__When he turned, a familiar face was smiling up at him from the door._ _

__“Nurse Elsa?”_ _

__“Why are you here?” she said, approaching him so she could give him a kiss._ _

__Nurse Elsa was one of the first people to take care of him. She was personally responsible for most of the times Isak would sneak out of his room to go up to the roof with Even. As it became apparent he would spend over a month in the hospital, Even decided to project some old movies on the roof, and after the movie of the night had ended, they would lie on their backs and talk as they watched the sky._ _

__Isak loved nurse Elsa. She was the kindest person in that hospital, and she made the very best white chocolate chip cookies Isak had ever tasted._ _

__“I felt a bit weird, so Even brought me in”_ _

__“Oh, dear. Says here on your chart you had a migraine?”_ _

__“Not just a migraine. A gargantuan migraine”_ _

__“That bad, huh?”_ _

__“I couldn’t see and got all tingly. It was awful”_ _

__“I had that kind before, with the aura. I didn’t go blind, but I saw watermarks everywhere. The pain was unbelievable”_ _

__“And what’s this about the ingestion of ecstasy?”_ _

__“Misunderstanding”_ _

__“I see” she said, smiling. “How’s Even?” she amended._ _

__“He’s good. Worried, but fine. He went to get some dinner”_ _

__“I love that boy” she said, smiling. “Are you really okay?”_ _

__“Yes, ma’am”_ _

__“Well, you better be. I missed you, but I don’t like seeing you, if you know what I mean”_ _

__“The feeling’s mutual”_ _

__“I am, however, the nurse responsible, so if you need anything, you know the drill” she said, gently fixing up the covers. “I’ll be back to check upon you boys. I want to say _Hi_ to Even”_ _

__“Okay. He should be back in a while”_ _

__“Do you want something to help you sleep?”_ _

__“I’m good. Thanks”_ _

__“Alright. Be good”_ _

__Few people had that effect on Isak. He never understood why, but would simply attribute it to some random connection shared by strangers that is so unique it only happens a handful of times in one’s life. That familiar feeling you get when you meet a complete stranger and just click, without it having to necessarily be romantic, but rather being so pure and powerful that it is enough to make one consider such a thing as fate, if only for a moment._ _

__Nurse Elsa was such a person. Not only was she such a person, but she was also an incredible human, Isak thought. Unapologetically kind._ _

__**\\\** _ _

__Even walked in as if he was hiding from someone, holding a large paper bag from McDonalds and two Pepsis._ _

__“You didn’t!” Isak said, surprised and so fucking thrilled._ _

__“No hospital food for you” a proud Even said, putting the bag on the table and opening both bottles._ _

__“How did you get pass security?” Isak asked him, as he sat up to make room for Even to sit across from him._ _

__“Elsa” Even said, raising both eyebrows and handing Isak his Pepsi. “I gave her my fries, so I’m stealing some of yours” he told him._ _

__“I don’t mind sharing” Isak said, smiling._ _

__He watched Even sit on the bed, open the bag and carefully hand a Big Mac to a very excited Isak._ _

__“Now I’m happy” Isak said._ _

__“I was thinking” Even casually said, grabbing his burger. “About London” he added, mid-bite._ _

__“Oh?” Isak said, also mid-bite. “Yeah, no” he then added, with his mouth full._ _

__“What do you mean ‘no’?” Even asked._ _

__“I mean no, you’re not delaying your trip” he said. “I won’t let you”_ _

__“You won’t let me?” Even repeated, smiling._ _

__“No, I won’t”_ _

__“Since when do I need permission?”_ _

__“You don’t” Isak said, taking another bite of his burger. “This is delicious, by the way”_ _

__He was beginning to enjoy this, actually._ _

__“Why can’t I do it?” Even finally caved, sounding disappointed._ _

__Isak smiled._ _

__“Well” he said. “First of all, people’s jobs depend on you”_ _

__“The studio can afford—“_ _

__“Second” Isak interrupted him. “Shit happens, Even. And as much as I hate slogans, this one is actually one I agree with”_ _

__“Shit happens?” Even repeated, looking awful cute cursing._ _

__“I’m gonna be fine in a day or two. We can’t change things because of tonight, Even. We don’t do that, that’s not us”_ _

__“I’m not missing anymore time, Isak”_ _

__“What’s that supposed to mean?”_ _

__“It means I wasn’t there the last time you were in the hospital, and this time I won’t—“_ _

__“That was different. And you were there”_ _

__“You know what I mean”_ _

__“I do, and it’s sweet. But still, it’s not how we do things”_ _

__“Fine” he said, clearly frustrated._ _

__“Don’t sulk” Isak said, smiling and purposefully wanting to get a rise out of him._ _

__Even looked at him, pretending to be shocked – but also smiling._ _

__“Just put that in your mouth” he said, looking at Isak’s burger._ _

__“Finally! I’ve been meaning to hear that all night”_ _

__Even laughed, and Isak felt as though he had achieved his goal of the night._ _

__“I thought the E was gone?”_ _

__“It is, but I’m not” he said, biting his lip._ _

__“No, you’re not” Even said, smiling._ _

__They both finished their burgers in silence, before starting to share Isak’s fries._ _

__“Wanna watch a movie?” Even suggested._ _

__“Uh-huh” Isak nodded. “Nothing tragic though”_ _

__As Even tried to find something decent on pay-per-view, Isak watched him._ _

__“ **Before Sunrise** is on” he said._ _

__“Cool. Let’s watch that” Isak said, excited._ _

__“I can’t read the time, when does it say it started?” Even coyly asked._ _

__“You don’t have to test me, Even. My vision is fine”_ _

__“Then just read the time for me. And the synopsis” he dared him._ _

__“It started at 4am” he said, unimpressed. “ _’On his way to Vienna, American Jesse meets Celine, a student returning to Paris. After long conversations forge a surprising connection between them, Jesse convinces Celine to get off the train with him in Vienna—_ ‘“ Isak said, quickly, before adding “Happy?”_ _

__Even simply nodded, smiling._ _

__**\\\** _ _

__“Eva called your phone. So did Jonas, like four times already” Even commented as they both sat on the hospital bed, side by side, watching the movie._ _

__“Did you pick it up?”_ _

__“Nah. I wasn’t going to lie. But they called mine too. Twice”_ _

__“Ugh”_ _

__“I still haven’t answered. But you know it’s a matter of time before Sana starts calling?”_ _

__“I know. I just don’t want to tell them, though. Besides, I’ll be out of here tomorrow”_ _

__“I know, babe. I just thought you should know” he said, eyes on the TV._ _

__As the movie showed Celine and Jesse walking along at night, mid-conversation, Isak looked at Even._ _

__“I’m sorry, Even”_ _

__“For what?” he said, turning to look at Isak._ _

__“All this?”_ _

__“Babe, come on. It’s not your fault”_ _

__“I am, though”_ _

__As he said it, he couldn’t help but look down. He still felt weird, but now he wasn’t sure if it was entirely because of the migraine. In fact, he was pretty sure it wasn’t._ _

__“You could try and tell me next time you feel something”_ _

__“I know—”_ _

__“I mean, you don’t have to apologize, but—“_ _

__“Yes?”_ _

__“You scared me, Isak”_ _

__“I know”_ _

__He meant to repeat his apology, but he couldn’t. He was too sorry, if that even made any sense. Too sorry to say he was sorry._ _

__“You look sleepy” Even said after watching him a beat, smiling._ _

__“I’m kinda tired”_ _

__“Do you want me to turn off the lights so you can try to sleep a little?”_ _

__“I can’t sleep here”_ _

__“They can give you something to help you, though”_ _

__“I know, but I don’t want to pass out”_ _

__“What can I do, then?”_ _

__“Are you really not going to go home to get some rest?”_ _

__“No, I am not”_ _

__“Then, do you think you could—?”_ _

__“Yes?”_ _

__“Could you maybe help me fall asleep?”_ _

__“Of course, babe”_ _

__Isak scooted over down the bed, as Even turned off the lights and left only the TV on, while proceeding to also scoot down and adjust himself next to Isak, putting his left arm around him, with Isak readily finding his way to Even’s chest._ _

__“I needed this” Isak said, as Even kissed his forehead, softly._ _

__“Me too”_ _

__He kept doing and undoing Even’s top button of his shirt as Even focused on the movie._ _

__“I got scared” he eventually admitted, quietly._ _

__“I know” Even said, with such warmth._ _

__“I hate being scared”_ _

__“I know” he repeated, equally warm._ _

__Even kissed his forehead again, only this time he did it for a bit longer before pulling away._ _

__“I love this poem” Isak said, referencing the poem in the film._ _

__“ _Milkshake_?” Even asked him._ _

__“Uh-huh” he said. “Makes me think of you”_ _

__They both watched as the street poet read his poem. By the time the scene was over, Isak had fallen asleep._ _

__**\\\** _ _

__The following night, Isak lay in bed, sleeping still. They had come home from the hospital early in the morning, and Even made Isak go straight to bed when they arrived, which Isak didn't exactly protest, seeing as he felt uncharacteristically tired._ _

__It was dark when he woke up._ _

__It took him a second to notice it, though. He instinctively turned to his right, as he did almost every time he woke up and, with his vision still somewhat blurry, he saw that Even was sitting up, working on his laptop. He gently yet quickly typed along the keyboard, focused as usual._ _

__It gave Isak time to adjust his eyes to the light and, why not, also admire the view._ _

__After a minute or two, Even saw through his periphery Isak cross his right arm under pillow, resting his head and properly laying on his right side._ _

__"Hey beautiful" he said, smiling._ _

__Isak was still trying to actually wake up._ _

__"How are you feeling?" he asked, reaching his left hand out and gently rubbing Isak's forehead before running his fingers through his hair._ _

__"Better" Isak said._ _

__Though technically not a lie, he wasn't sure as to the veracity of the information he had just volunteered, so he tried to be as brief and as vague as possible. Perhaps Even was on to him though, for he raised a single brow and said nothing._ _

__This was something Even did sometimes and it was somewhat annoying to Isak because of two reasons. One, it was this incredibly effective, Jonas-esc thing to do, which is the same to say that it was a moment in which Even could seemingly call Isak's bluff - and he would typically be right; and two, because knowingly or not, Even could always do this. He was always capable of reading Isak, and although Isak sometimes wasn't sure Even was aware of such power, Isak most certainly was, and in moments such as these, it was impossible for him to change the subject or dodge the question in any way, shape or form._ _

__So he didn't, even though he wanted to just breeze through it._ _

__He didn't._ _

__"A little weird, though" he confessed. "My head feels huge"_ _

__"Well" Even said, smiling and picking up his laptop in order to place it on his nightstand._ _

__Isak looked at him, trying to convey a certain look that said _"you've been making this joke since we met, and adorable as you may be saying it, it's an old joke"__ _

__"I know, I've got a big head" Isak said, rolling his eyes but breaking into a smile._ _

__Even mimicked Isak, lying beside him and resting his head on his arm over his pillow._ _

__"It's a lovely head" he told him, stroking his hair again._ _

__It made Isak involuntarily close his eyes, and when he opened them again Even looked so concerned Isak would've leaned in and kissed him, if only he had the strength._ _

__"I'm fine, baby. Really" he assured him._ _

__He didn't stop stroking Isak's hair, though._ _

__"Is it night already?" Isak asked._ _

__"I'm afraid so” he nodded. “Almost nine pm"_ _

__"Shit"_ _

__"I had to tell Jonas. He kept calling and—"_ _

__"That's okay" Isak said, really hating that he had to tell anyone._ _

__But Even still looked concerned._ _

__"What did you do all day?" Isak asked him._ _

__"Worked on the script. I'm really happy with it so far"_ _

__"That's good" Isak said, closing his eyes again._ _

__"Then I made some lunch, in case you woke up"_ _

__"Which I didn't, 'cause I'm suddenly narcoleptic" he said, opening his eyes again to a smiling Even._ _

__"So I finished unpacking the kitchen, worked some more and then made dinner, you know—"_ _

__"In case I woke up?"_ _

__"Exactly"_ _

__"Which I didn't again, because narcolepsy"_ _

__Even smiled._ _

__"Then I went back to my script"_ _

__"You didn't sleep at all?"_ _

__"Nah"_ _

__Isak felt awful._ _

__"Even"_ _

__"Isak" he said it back to him, in the same exact tone._ _

__It made Isak smile._ _

__"Are you hungry?" Even asked, softly._ _

__"A little bit" he said. "I don't think I can get up though. Not yet, anyway" he admitted._ _

__"I'll bring it here" Even volunteered, beginning to get up._ _

__"No" Isak said, stretching his left arm out so he could grab hold of his t-shirt. "Not yet" he told him._ _

__"You need to eat, babe. You haven't eaten since the hospital"_ _

__"No I don't, I'm fine" still holding onto him. "I prefer this"_ _

__"Babe"_ _

__"Have you eaten?" Isak asked, suspicious._ _

__"No, not yet"_ _

__"Even!" Isak said, suddenly wide awake._ _

__"So now you have to eat, otherwise I won't either" he said, smugly._ _

__"Blackmail? Really?" Isak said, squinting and trying to sound insulted, all the while tugging on Even’s t-shirt. "You know, I was in the hospital—"_ _

__"I'm not above blackmail. Not tonight" Even said, smiling._ _

__"You think you know the man you're gonna marry..." Isak said, shaking his head and faking disappointment, moving his hand up and making a fist just below the collar, over Even’s chest._ _

__Even smiled, putting his hand over Isak's, just over his own heart._ _

__Even had the warmest hands, Isak always noticed._ _

__"Are you really better?" he asked, pressing Isak’s hand and turning serious._ _

__"Uh-huh" Isak said, nodding._ _

__He looked so relieved._ _

__"You know, you're dismissing my dinner without even knowing what it is I cooked" Even pointed out._ _

__"I'm not dismissing dinner. I'm dismissing the idea of you leaving me here"_ _

__"But I come back. I always come back" he said._ _

__"But the leaving part is the scary one" Isak said, not quite knowing if he was still referring to Even going downstairs._ _

__"What if I come back with lasagna?"_ _

__"That's just low"_ _

__"The one I made with the cheese you like?"_ _

__"And that right there is a lie, 'cause I know for a fact we don't have any Asiago in the house" Isak said, shoving him without letting go of his t-shirt. "I'm not even recognizing you" he added, squinting and breaking into a smile._ _

__"We had some left" Even explained. "I put it in the pantry, because now we have a pantry" he told him, proudly._ _

__"You're hiding cheese from me?"_ _

__"For you” he corrected him. “I was planning on making gnocchi"_ _

__"Because that would be the ultimate betrayal, you know"_ _

__"Hiding cheese would be our undoing?"_ _

__"Possibly. I don't know that I'd be able to forgive that"_ _

__Even laughed._ _

__"Not the cheese!" he said, in a high pitched voice, mid-laugh._ _

__Nothing, absolutely nothing was better than to make Even laugh._ _

__"There are limits, is what I'm saying"_ _

__"What if you someday become lactose intolerant?"_ _

__"I will medicate, like a normal person"_ _

__"You are such a nut, babe"_ _

__"Did you really make lasagna?"_ _

__"Uh-huh" Even nodded. "It's probably still warm, too" he teased._ _

__"Fine. I'll take the lasagna"_ _

__"Yeah?" Even asked, excited._ _

__"All this talk about cheese—"_ _

__"Say no more" he said, moving as though he was about to get up, only he didn't._ _

__Instead, Even faced Isak, leaning in and kissing him so softly and so slowly Isak's head started spinning._ _

__"I **will** come back" he told him, before he tried winking. He then got up and left the bedroom._ _

__Isak never told Even he couldn't actually wink. He just loved that he thought he could, and seeing as every time he did was guaranteed to make Isak smile, Even winked quite often. Tried to, that is, which Isak found adorable._ _

__**\\\** _ _

__After dinner, they sat in bed, watching **Before Sunset** on Isak's laptop._ _

__“I’d forgotten how good the second one is” Even said._ _

__“The dialogue” Isak commented._ _

__“Yes. Such quality… And the long takes? I want to do something like that, someday”_ _

__They fell quiet for a moment._ _

__"I'm not going to work tomorrow" Even mentioned._ _

__"Why not?" Isak turned to him, surprised._ _

__"I want to keep an eye on you" he told him, without taking his eyes away from the screen._ _

__"Even, it was just a headache"_ _

__"A bad one" he said, still watching the film._ _

__"Still. You don't need to stay just because I had a headache" he said. “And we already talked about this”_ _

__"We talked about you not letting me postpone production” he corrected him. “And I'm not staying because you had a headache. I'm staying because you didn't know you were having just a headache and we spent the night at the hospital and you just got home"_ _

__"But—"_ _

__"Oh yeah, and I've already decided, so there's really nothing you can do"_ _

__He just looked at him for a moment, his jaw half-open, ready to argue, as he saw that Even tried to glance over at him, quickly._ _

__Isak loved that somehow Even wanted to know he was okay with it. To be fair, Isak didn’t want to argue. He wasn’t entirely sure if he wouldn’t have considered asking Even to stay with him, as a matter of fact._ _

__"Okay" he simply said, quietly._ _

__He then turned and faced the screen._ _

__“I love this scene” Even commented, smiling._ _

__It was a scene where Celine and Jesse were walking up the stairs to her flat. A long take of them climbing the steps in silence, occasionally exchanging looks and smiling. Isak loved that scene as well, but that night, it made him feel uncomfortable._ _

__Perhaps it was the silence, which would be odd considering Isak quite enjoyed the moments in which he and Even would go quiet. They were never awkward, quite the opposite, in fact. They were familiar, calming. So, maybe that wasn’t it. In that case, Isak considered, it was the scene itself._ _

__In the film, as Jesse and Celine walked, there was this subtle tension, this sort of longing to communicate, a desire to speak, which Isak always found to be so elegant, but that for some reason, that night he could identify with, more so than before._ _

__Even called his name twice before Isak finally heard him._ _

__"What's on your mind, Valtersen?"_ _

__"Huh? Oh. Nothing" Isak said._ _

__Even didn't say anything, he simply waited. And as always, it worked._ _

__"I was thinking" Isak said. "When I woke up? After the accident?"_ _

__Even turned to face him, looking interested._ _

__"Jonas was there, so were Eva and Sana” he recalled. “They were so happy. I actually remember thinking that, noticing how happy they seemed, you know? It was the weirdest thing" he said, for a second getting lost in thought._ _

__Even remained silent._ _

__"It wasn't until Vilde walked in and started to cry that I began to think something was wrong" he said. "They were all there. I knew who they were, I knew what they meant to me, so I knew they mattered. Only I realized I couldn't really **feel** anything, which was odd" he said, going silent shortly after._ _

__Even raised his eyebrows, curious._ _

__"As the day went on, it started to freak me out. I still didn't feel... anything. And I knew eventually you were going to show up and I started getting so scared that I—" he said, looking Even dead in the eyes. "I started getting so scared that when you walked in I wasn't going to be able to feel anything when I looked at you, and that thought? The idea of looking at you and feeling nothing was so weird, so foreign to me. I don't think I'd ever been that as afraid of anything"_ _

__He looked at Even’s laptop, and Celine was sitting down to play a song for Jesse on her guitar – Isak’s favorite part of the movie. He turned to Even, not being able to help but realizing that same feeling he was saying scared him one day could stop was as present as ever._ _

__"I would sleep for a bit and then I'd wake up, and basically repeated that, over and over again until, eventually I just decided to pretend that I was asleep, 'cause that way I didn't have to panic and pretend everything was fine and my brain wasn't shit" he told him, making him frown._ _

__Isak shook his head slowly, with his mouth half open as if the words couldn't quite leave him._ _

__"Then, at night, I heard you come in" he said._ _

__He went quiet for the longest time. Eventually, he turned his gaze to Even’s computer again. Even promptly took his computer and placed it on his nightstand, with the screen facing forward – neither of them could see it, they could only hear the music, as Nina Simone’s _Just In Time_ started playing._ _

__“My heart” he smiled as he said it. “It never beat as fast” he told him._ _

__"You walked over and stood next to the bed and then you took my hand—"_ _

__"And squeezed it" he finally spoke, which made Isak turn to him._ _

__Even also moved. He turned to his left and sat with his legs crossed, facing Isak._ _

__"And I opened my eyes and looked at you, remember that?"_ _

__"Of course I remember it. You were crying"_ _

__Isak didn’t speak for a moment. Instead, he just stared at him._ _

__"When you grabbed my hand” Isak said, turning his left hand and raising it up a bit, looking down at it as he did._ _

__Even’s eyes followed._ _

__“I just... I was **back** " he explained, looking rather amazed._ _

__Even reached out his hand as if to touch him, but for some reason he stopped and instead loosened the collar of his t-shirt, which Isak found interesting seeing as it wasn't really a tight collar to begin with._ _

__“That's when I knew I wasn't that my brain was mush” he told him, shaking his head. “It was probably just the shock of waking up earlier, or maybe I was just so anxious to see you that I couldn't afford to focus on anything else, maybe that’s why I couldn’t feel"_ _

__As he said it, Even smiled, tilting his head to the side._ _

__"That's one theory, at least” he said._ _

__Isak closed his hand and made a fist, slowly lowering it on his lap._ _

__“Another one could be that I just needed you to sort of jump start my brain or something"_ _

__"Yeah, that one sounds less scientific" Even kindly said._ _

__"Point is, I was back"_ _

__And suddenly, Isak was lost in thought again, turning serious and shaking his head, slowly._ _

__He couldn't bare to look at him, but he couldn't make himself look away, either. For some reason, Isak felt as though he had to tell Even all of this, he had to make it clear. He knew he needed to._ _

__So he took a long, deep breath, hoping to inhale some courage along with the air that filled his lungs._ _

__"I'm so scared of my brain, Even" he said, almost in a whisper._ _

__Even looked at him and frowned again, looking concerned._ _

__"I'm so scared I'll just... forget" he confessed, and it was as though he was admitting to murder._ _

__"Forget?" Even repeated. "Forget what, babe?"_ _

__"Anything? Everything. **You** " he said, and he could tell his eyes were about to betray him._ _

__"Isak—"_ _

__"I can't forget" he said, shaking his hand and taking his hand to his face, wiping his eyes before Even had a chance to do it for him._ _

__"You won't. You're fine, Isak" Even calmly told him._ _

__"This thing in my head?” he said, and it broke his heart that Even’s eyes went straight up to where his scar was._ _

__He was the only one who still knew exactly where it was, less than four inches over his left eyebrow, hidden under his hair._ _

__“We don't know" he simply told him, once Even looked him in the eye again._ _

__"But the doctors—"_ _

__"What if that time at the hospital wasn't some defense mechanism? What if what I felt was just my brain malfunctioning?"_ _

__"Babe, you just did all the tests again. You’re fine. And you will still be fine, sixteen days from now. You know the odds of something showing up now are extremely low, you know that"_ _

__And he did, he did know it. But he was still scared._ _

__"I can't— What if I forget?" he quietly asked, desperately afraid._ _

__Even was faster this time. He reached and wiped Isak's face, scooting over closer as he did._ _

__"If you do" he said, softly. "I'll make you remember" Even told him._ _

__Isak loved that he said that, but he feared it wasn't exactly probable or even very realistic._ _

__But he tried to smile, anyway._ _

__"Like that movie, where the girl loses her memory and her husband decides to make her fall for him again?" he continued._ _

__"Ugh" Isak rolled his eyes. "I hate that movie" he said._ _

__"I know you do"_ _

__"People think it's so romantic, how he is so resolute. How he doesn't give up on her" he said. "No one ever thinks of him. How he got this unbelievably shit deal, and what he decides to do? Maybe it guarantees him nothing but suffering, nothing but hurt"_ _

__"Well, most people look at it differently" Even said, kindly._ _

__"It's so unfair" he bitterly said, ignoring Even. "And she doesn't, by the way. She never remembers him"_ _

__"He still doesn't give up" Even pointed out._ _

__“You don’t get it”_ _

__“What don’t I get?”_ _

__"I'm fine with whatever I may come to develop. Even forgetting things, I understand it's a possibility and I can't really control that. I'm fine with it"_ _

__"You are?"_ _

__"Yes" he honestly replied. "But looking at you and not being able to feel what I do? No. That I just—"_ _

__"If you do" Even said, once more. "And if I can't bring you back" he added, instantly breaking Isak's heart._ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"I'll make sure I can keep an eye on you. I'll take care of you all the same"_ _

__"It's not fair, though"_ _

__"You think I find it fair?"_ _

__Isak simply looked at him._ _

__"It isn't fair. Fair would be if you never forgot in the first place" he told him._ _

__"Then why do it?" Isak all but whispered._ _

__"Because" he said. "You may not remember, but it doesn't erase us. It doesn't mean I forget as well, it just means I get to remember for the both of us"_ _

__"But how can that be enough?" he said, shaking his head._ _

__"It's not enough. Not like this, not like it is now" he told him, so serious Isak almost couldn’t breathe._ _

__He felt it happening, he was shaking again, just like the night he had proposed._ _

__"But if an inch is all I get to have? If an inch is all there is?” Even said, widening his eyes and almost smiling. “Then I'll take it, gladly" he assured him._ _

__Isak looked at him, not knowing what he felt. Or rather, not knowing how to say what he felt. Somehow though, he found the courage to speak. Not because he wanted those words uttered, or because he was interested in the words that would inevitably follow them. No. Isak decided he needed to tell Even what he felt, because it simply wasn’t fair to run the risk of being unclear, vague._ _

__"I don't want you having an inch, Even” and it broke him, saying it. “It's not what belongs to you" he explained, as best he could._ _

__"I'll still take it, if it's you"_ _

__The way Even answered him, however, made Isak almost gasp for air._ _

__"And if you're not supposed to have just an inch?" Isak asked him, still desperately afraid._ _

__"I don't care"_ _

__And once again, Even didn’t flinch. He simply replied, sounding sure._ _

__For a moment, Isak tried to search his expression for signs he may have been merely reacting, possibly unaware of how serious what Isak was saying was. He couldn’t find it, though. All he saw when he looked at Even was him, exactly how he always was. Sure, certain, secure._ _

__It only scared Isak more._ _

__"How can you not? How can you accept that?"_ _

__"Isak?" Even calmly said._ _

__Isak just stared at him. He was afraid to say more, afraid of what it would mean. He knew, somehow, another word could turn him into dust, make him vanish.  
It made no sense, of course. And yet… It perfectly described how fragile Isak felt._ _

__"Do I have more than that? Now, I mean" Even asked him, so gentle._ _

__"Now?"_ _

__"Yes, now. Do I have more than just an inch?"_ _

__"You know you do" Isak said, and he couldn’t help but look at Even in a way that showed him how crazy that question was._ _

__"I'm still asking"_ _

__"You have all of it"_ _

__He did, Isak thought. Every inch._ _

__There was a pause. Nothing too long lasting, only long enough for Isak to notice how Even’s eyes turned brighter, somehow._ _

__"That's how I can take an inch, if I have to" he said._ _

__Isak could only look at him._ _

__"'Cause I'll know” he said. “I'll know that once I got to have more"_ _

__“Even—“_ _

__"And it is more than I deserve"_ _

__That, Isak couldn’t bare to hear._ _

__"No, it isn't" he immediately said._ _

__If there was anything Isak had always known, this was it._ _

__"It isn't" Isak repeated, shaking his head. "It's just all that I have to give" he admitted._ _

__Even tilted his head again, smiling. Isak could barely see him through all the water in his eyes._ _

__"I know you're scared" Even said, with such warmth. "I do. But you don't have to be"_ _

__Isak didn't say anything, he simply stared._ _

__"Whatever happens, babe, it's you and me"_ _

__Even cupped Isak's face, leaning in closer._ _

__"You hear me? You and me" he told him._ _

__Isak nodded, unable to breathe._ _

__"I'm sorry" was all he could say, and he wasn't sure what he was so sorry for._ _

__How can someone be sorry for a possibility? Though in Isak’s defense, he had been grateful for possibilities before, he was grateful for them all the time. Maybe he could be sorry for them too, Isak figured._ _

__"I need you to say it" Even said._ _

__He wasn’t sure he could. Not because he didn’t feel it, but precisely the opposite. It seemed he could feel everything._ _

__"You and me, babe" Even told him again, raising both eyebrows as if waiting for him to join._ _

__"You and me" Isak repeated, and he couldn’t hold his tears anymore._ _

__Even didn’t acknowledge it. He didn’t kiss him, he had no time. Before he could react in any way, Isak moved his body forward, putting his arms around Even and sitting on his lap with his knees on either side of him, hugging him as tightly as he possibly could._ _

__There were no words that could, in Isak’s mind, fully express all he felt, both that very moment and for Even. Not one word. So he turned his hands into fists as he held onto Even’s t-shirt on his back, as hard as he could, making sure he was being held tightly enough._ _

__“You’re fine, Isak. You’re fine” Even repeated, softly, over and over again._ _

__All Isak could do was listen, and hope._ _

__He hoped Even was right. He hoped never to forget him. He hoped he could have more time, for it really was, everything._ _

__Most of all, he hoped he was holding him tight enough._ _

__


	7. Alone Together

It was the middle of the night when Isak suddenly opened his eyes. His breathing was heavy and he felt rather peculiar, shaking and sweating. He took his hands to his face, covering it as if trying to hide from what he had just seen, almost like a reflex.

After a few seconds, he turned to find Even sleeping peacefully by his side, his hand over Isak’s waist.

Isak tried to catch his breath before carefully moving Even's hand so he could get up and go to the bathroom. He didn't want to turn on the lights, but he was still getting used to the new house, so he clumsily walked from their bed to the bathroom with his arms stretched out in front of him. He closed the door behind him so as to not wake Even, turned on the lights and without taking a second look in the mirror, turned on the tap, cupping both hands under the water and splashing his face three times before closing the tap again.

He waited until his breathing was back to normal before turning off the lights and opening the door so he could slowly make his way back to bed, gently adjusting himself next to Even, who this time moved as soon as Isak's head hit the pillow.

"Isak? What's wrong?" he mumbled.

"Nothing, go back to sleep" Isak whispered softly, without turning to look at him.

“Is it your head?” he asked, somewhat alarmed.

“My head is fine, baby” Isak quietly told him. “Sleep” he then added.

"Why were you up?" Even asked, trying to adjust himself closer to Isak, who now had no choice but to turn to him.

"Just a bad dream"

"Oh?" 

"Yeah, but I'm alright. Don’t worry"

Even went silent for a second, then reached his arm over to Isak and placed it across his chest, resting his open hand on his side.

"What did you dream about?" he asked, eyes closed.

"I... Can't remember, not really" Isak honestly told him.

"But it was a bad dream?"

"Definitely" Isak was quick to respond.

"How do you know?"

"I woke up and I still felt it, you know?"

"Felt what?"

"This... _Sadness_ "

"Oh"

"It's okay, though. Let's go back to sleep"

"No, not now"

"Why not?" he asked him, smiling as he saw that Even was barely managing to speak, let alone stay awake.

"Not while you feel sad"

"I don't feel sad, _it_ felt sad" Isak explained.

"Whatever. No sad"

Isak smiled.

"Come here" Even said, pulling him close.

Isak scooted next to him, and he could now feel Even's breath on his neck.

"I think it was about you. At least you were part of it" Isak said, turning his head and staring out the window.

Rain fell almost at a hypnotic rate outside. Isak noticed how the water made a different sound when it hit the trees in the backyard, as well as the bedroom window. It wasn't like in the flat.

"Me? I made you sad?"

"No— I don't think so” he said, trying to remember. “I couldn't see you properly, I just kept calling out to you and there was no reply"

"I'm sorry"

"It's not your fault" Isak said, smiling and putting his hands on Even’s arm, over his chest.

"Still. Do you think it means something? The dream?"

"I dunno. Probably not, otherwise I'd remember it better"

"Makes sense"

"I try" he told him, still unable to not smile every time Even spoke.

They were silent for a minute, and eventually Isak yawned.

"I love to see you yawn"

Isak laughed, turning to face him.

"How can you love to see me yawn?"

"You always shed a tear, right there" he said, as he gently ran his index finger under Isak's right eye. "And you always look like a kid when you put your hand over it to wipe it off" he continued, smiling.

"I do not" Isak said, frantically rubbing the base of his hand over his eye. 

He watched Even for a bit, as Even smiled and slowly blinked.

“I like to see you sleepy" he told Even.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Uh-huh" he nodded.

"Why?"

"You look kinda goofy, all cute"

"That's hot"

Isak smiled, reaching over and running his thumb up and down in between Even's eyes, just over his nose. It instantly made him close his eyes and take a deep breath.

"Tell me one" he said, making himself comfortable, closer to Isak.

"One what?" Isak asked him, softly.

"A dream you can remember"

"I had a dream once I was a ball. Like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka? I'd roll around everywhere"

"Violet?" Even asked, laughing.

"I'm pretty sure that one meant nothing"

"What about one that did?"

"A dream that meant something?"

"Uh-huh" he nodded, almost in slow-motion.

"Well" he said, taking a deep breath. "I used to have this dream when I was back at Nissen. I'd be at a party and all my friends were coupled up, having fun and ignoring me. I'd look around and they'd be so focused on the people they were with—"

"Where would you be?"

"I just sat by the pool with my legs in the water"

"And that meant something?"

"I think so, yeah"

"What did it mean?"

"I think it meant I was lonely?"

"How can you know?"

"Because one day I stopped having it. The dream"

"When was that?"

Isak looked at Even, then turned to face the ceiling.

“I don’t wanna say” he simply told him.

“Why not?” Even asked, opening his eyes.

“You’ll overreact”

“What? Why would I overreact?”

“I dunno”

“Come on. When did the dream stop?”

Isak turned to face him.

"When we met"

"Aw" 

"Shut up" he said, smiling and shoving him.

He made sure to move his hand down and run it on Even’s chest, over his heart.

"Babe?"

"Huh?" Isak said, paying attention to the infinity symbol he kept making with his index finger on Even’s skin.

"Did I thank you for proposing?"

"Why would you need to thank me?"

"I’ve been meaning to"

"You said _'yes'_ , you don't need to thank me. _Yes_ trumps _thank you_ "

"Still. I'm happy you did"

"I'm glad you did too" Isak said, smiling.

"Yeah?"

"I can't wait, you know?" Isak said, turning serious as they looked at each other.

"Even though it's like, for good?"

"For good?"

"You know. Marriage is this forever commitment"

"It is!?” he asked, trying to sound surprised.

“I’m just saying—“

“I know what you mean. Only—"

"What?"

"It's always been for good"

Even smiled and Isak noticed how his eyes lit up, demanding to be stared at.

"You did it again" he told him, smiling.

"What?"

"Infinity"

"Really? You got a glimpse, just now?"

"You’re still doing it" he said, shaking his head as if amazed.

"Cool" he said, proudly.

They kept looking at one another, quietly.

"How can I make it last? I don't want to blink and ruin it"

"It's okay" Isak told him, biting his lip. "If it stops, you'll do it again"

He always did.

\\\

Even was upstairs when Isak got home. He could hear Isak's voice from the bedroom, maybe because they had hardly unpacked and the empty rooms made for some really loud echoes – which they had quite some fun exploiting one night –, but almost certainly it was due to how loud Isak was actually speaking.

"I know, Jonas— Sure, but it just pisses me off. It's every fucking time" he said, closing the front door and tossing his keys on the bowl that sat in the middle of the antique round table he and Even had gotten as a house warming present from Eskild and Noora.

The keys made a loud, clanging sound once they hit the ceramic, which Isak ignored.

"Fine, but come on. You can't possibly tell me I'm overreacting" he told him, irritated, as he quickly took off his shoes and walked over to the kitchen, not noticing Even stood on top of the stairs, looking down at him.

He turned on the kitchen lights, grabbed a glass from the cupboard and opened the fridge to get some orange juice.

"Whatever" he said, trying to balance his phone on his shoulder, along with the glass in one hand and the box of juice in the other, attempting to pour the juice without making a mess. It ultimately proved too hard a task and only made him madder.

"Shit!" he loudly said, once the glass fell backwards in the sink and broke, splashing juice all over. 

He tried to stop it from falling, which only made it worse. All he managed to do was making sure instead of containing the mess to the sink, Isak got juice on his trousers as well as on the floor.

"Look, I get it. It's fine. I need to hang up, I just made a fucking mess and Even is gonna kill me—"

"No, he isn't" Even said, walking in the kitchen, smiling.

Isak looked at him like a kid who had broken the cookie jar after being told not to go anywhere near said jar.

Even took a cloth that was next to the stove and, before he proceeded to clean up, gently kissed Isak on the forehead. Isak didn't quite know what to do except watch him and ignore Jonas, who spoke to him on the other side of the line.

The way he saw it, if he did nothing, if he didn't try to help or didn't try to engage in the phone conversation he had been desperately trying to end, then maybe – just maybe – things wouldn't get any worse. He was already having the shittiest day, and he felt as though everything he touched got ruined, so he decided then and there not to get too close to Even, at least not until he could calm down a bit. He could handle his day getting shittier; he couldn't handle being responsible for screwing up Even's.

So he stood there, watching as Even carefully put every single piece of glass on the folded cloth, steadily balancing them all on a pile, before turning around and heading to the table and gently placing the cloth on top of it, then going back and taking a few sheets of paper towel so he could wrap the pieces before throwing it all away in the bin. 

Isak was almost hypnotized.

After he was done, Even looked at a dumbfounded Isak, tried to wink and headed out the kitchen, casually.

"Wha— What?" Isak asked, distracted. "Yeah. Whatever dude, it's alright. I need to go, someone's at the door" he briskly stated, ending the call without really caring about what Jonas was or was not saying.

He took a deep breath and decided to go after Even. However, Isak's day was quite obviously conspiring against him, and further proof of that was the fact that just before he went to find his piece of mind, as he thought it – meaning Even – his phone lit up, and it was none other than Isak's stepmother calling him.

If it were any other night, Isak would simply ignore it. However, his dad had just gone home that afternoon, and as much as that fact, in and on itself, was one of the reasons why Isak's day was the absolute shitfest that it was, he could not bring himself to ignore the call. After all, what if his dad had to be rushed back to hospital or something? 

So he answered the call. Like the stupid ass he was, he’d be the first to admit.

"Hello?"

"Isak? Good. Your father and I were talking and, well we think you and Even should come over tomorrow. For dinner, maybe"

"What? Is everything okay, Hanna?"

"Yes, of course. Everything is fine, we were just thinking—"

"I see" he said, trying his best to remain chill. "Well, I'll speak to him. I haven't had a chance yet, see. But I'll try"

"Wonderful! Do you think—"

"I'm sorry, Hanna, I can't really talk right now. Can we maybe do this some other time?"

"Su— Sure. That's fine”

“Great”

“Isak—?”

“Yes?” 

“Thanks for today"

"Yeah, okay"

"Goodnight" she said, kindly. Unusually so, Isak thought, but was quick to move on.

He ended the call. Again, without much caring what was being said or not.

\\\

Isak stood in the middle of the kitchen for a minute, trying his very best to calm the fuck down, but it was of no use. It felt as though Even had been gone over twenty minutes, which could mean he was already in bed waiting for Isak to come up, taking a shower or working on his script. Whichever the option, however, Isak still could not seem to wind down. So, instead of going after him, he decided to go to the dining room, where he could open his laptop, turn it on, sit down and stare at the screen for a prolonged, unspecified amount of time.

He had to chill, that's all he could think of.

There were several new emails, most of which regarding the things he didn't get around to doing earlier that day. As he watched the screen, there were countless emails from his students, all of them with files attached, essays Isak should've read and started to grade by now. There were also emails regarding the symposium he was attending but cancelled at the last minute and, of course, an email from his dad, which he dared not open.

The worst was over, he thought to himself. Now he just needed to calm down. And he would have had, were it not for his phone lighting up, yet again, with a text from Magnus, precisely at the same time three more emails sent by different students.

Isak couldn't help but grunt, unsure as to how loudly, as he decided to ignore it all. He locked his phone, put it back in his pocket, closed his laptop and fell with his head on top of it, utterly defeated.

"Babe?" Even asked him, softly.

"Hey, you" Isak said, head all but glued to his laptop.

"That bad, huh?"

Isak looked up at him, and he couldn't help but crack as he saw the concern on Even's eyes. 

Those big, beautifully blue eyes.

"I— Yes. I just—" he unsuccessfully tried twisting words into something that made sense.

Even waited, looking at him kindly.

"It's been shit. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up"

"Is it okay if I ask for a bit more than that?"

"Yes, of course" he told him.

It was okay. It was lovely of him. But it was also the last thing Isak wanted to do, getting into all the different ways he completely fucked up a perfectly normal, potentially good day.

"I had to go to the hospital to handle my dad's discharge, which turned into me driving him home and buying his meds and basically running errands, instead of grading all the seventy three papers my students sent me” he said, pointing at his laptop. “I also had to cancel my lecture because I was too busy acting like I was part of a family I've no business trying to be involved in, only to finally get a call from Magnus which, as per usual, turned into him pissing me off and me losing my shit and later having to explain to Jonas – **who’s supposed to fucking get it** – that I'm sick of how Magnus tends to give out these hints about you and me and I'm expected to just fucking ignore it." he said, almost in one breath.

Even kindly looked back at him, paying attention.

"Oh yeah, and after all that, I just wanted to come home so I'd be able to see you and bury my head on your chest and stay there until it felt better, but even that I can't do properly tonight, cause I can't even have some juice without making a fucking mess out of things and I'm so fucking tired, Even" he said, or rather, he did what he didn't want to do: he ranted.

"Babe—"

"I just can't seem to shake this mood, so I think I'm just going to sit here for a bit, maybe an hour or so, just until I'm able to not have this rub this off on you in some way and fuck up the one thing that got me through this fucking day” he said, and he almost lost focus once Even smiled. “So yeah, I'll just sit here for a while, if that's okay" he told him, looking away, down at his own hands.

"Okay" Even simply said, kind as always. 

Isak could see from his periphery that he turned around and headed out the dining room.

So he just sat there in silence for a minute, but it still didn't seem to do him any good.

He went back to resting his head on his laptop, until suddenly he heard Even coming back.

"Here" he told Isak.

When Isak looked up, he had his coat on, and was holding out his.

"What's this?" a puzzled Isak asked him.

"Put this on” he told him. “And after you do, no more talking" he added.

"What?"

"Please, babe" he said, tilting his head as if knowing it made Isak agree to anything.

Isak had no intention of arguing, so he did as he was told and got up, put his coat on, and followed as Even led the way to the front door and outside.

Yes, he had no intention of arguing. He also had no idea what Even was up to, which was ultimately fine, he figured.

They went outside and after Even locked the front door, they started walking. Though Isak was confused, he humored him – it was the least he could do.

Before long, a couple jogging in the opposite direction Isak and Even were walking stopped them, smiling frankly at the two.

"Hello, there!" the woman said.

She was not much older than Even, Isak thought. Perhaps five, six years, at the most.

"Hi!" Even said, friendly as ever.

"You're the new neighbors, aren't you? You just moved in to house with the red door?" she asked, smiling.

"That's us" he said, quickly glancing at Isak.

"Well, I'm Sara and this is my husband, Karl" she said, as they both smiled and stretched out their hands, shaking Isak's and Even's.

"I'm Even, and this is Isak, my boyfriend"

Isak looked at him and then back at them, trying to look friendly.

"You're going to love it here. It's a great place to live" Karl said.

"We think we are, actually. It does seem like a good neighborhood"

"And it's great for starting a family, too. We're still working on that part, though" she said, smiling.

"What do you two do for a living?"

"I'm a filmmaker, and Isak is a scientist and a professor"

"Wow. I'm in real estate, which doesn't help you at all anymore, I know" Karl said. "Sara here is in politics, but she's a good person" he then added.

They all smiled, even Isak.

"We don't want to keep you, but it's great to meet people who are closer to our age" she told them.

"I was thinking the same thing" Even and his kindness said.

"See you around?" Karl asked.

"Absolutely" Isak told him, mustering another smile.

After they said their goodbyes, Isak and Even walked in silence for a couple of minutes, before Isak finally couldn't help himself any longer and stopped. Even did the same, seconds later.

"Okay, explain" he told him, as Even turned to face Isak.

"What?”

“Even—“

“You mean this?"

"Yes"

"I just thought you could use this. Some fresh air and some quiet? It’s a good way to getting to know the neighborhood, and it beats spending an hour or so alone at home" he explained. "Just pretend that you're doing this alone, and that I'm doing this alone. Only... we're doing this alone, together" he added.

Isak didn't know how to react. He just stood there, staring as Even spoke.

"Come on" he said, "It looks like it might rain" and he turned around and resumed walking.

Isak waited a minute before actually following him. As he did, he took a few short, quick steps in order to catch up. When he was almost side by side with Even again, Isak reached forward and took Even's hand in his, pressing it as hard as he could.

Even said nothing, he simply smiled as he continued walking.

They walked for a few more blocks. Alone together.

Eventually, Isak stopped again, but without losing grip of Even's hand.

"I think I'm better now" Isak told him, as he looked at him and smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh" he nodded.

"Cool" he said. "What do you say we go another block or so and then head back?" he suggested.

"Sounds good. Only... You can talk"

"I don't mind not talking" he assured him, which made Isak smile.

"I think I need to hear you speak though"

"Oh?"

"Just talk to me, Even"

"Alright" he said, and he could tell Even was relieved, which was so fucking cute.

They talked most of the way hack home, not letting go of each other's hand once.

Alone together.

\\\

Two blocks away from the house, it started to rain.

Even and Isak rushed inside, both absolutely soaking wet once they arrived.

"We should take a shower and then get something to eat” he said, as they took off their coats and shoes. “What do you feel like having?" he then asked Isak.

Isak could only stare at him.

"Why are you like this?"

"Like what?" Even asked him, smiling.

"So good to me. And I'm like, shit"

"You're not shit, Isak" he said, taking a step closer so he'd be inches away from him.

"Well—"

"Besides—" Even said, looking him up and down.

Their clothes were all but glued to their bodies, and Isak’s burgundy shirt had turned almost black.

"I like your body" Even said, raising both eyebrows.

"Oh" Isak said, smiling.

"It's a great body"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah" he nodded.

"I'm just glad it's for a good reason"

"I'm a reasonable man" he said, turning to walk over to the kitchen, as Isak followed. "So, what'll it be? For dinner"

"I was thinking we could order in, actually"

"But I can make you anything you'd like"

"I know" Isak smiled. "It's just that I was going to suggest something"

"What's that?"

"Instead of you spending hours in the kitchen, cooking" he told him. "We could maybe use that time for something else"

"Like what?"

"We could make out? You know, for an hour or five"

"When would we eat?"

"We could order something. In between"

"In between, huh?"

"You see, when I say an hour or five... I mean five"

"I'm such a lucky man"

"Is that a _'Yes'_?"

"Oh, yes. Definitely a _'Yes'_ "

"Then what are you doing over there?" Isak asked him, biting his lip.

\\\

Even was lying on his back on the couch, with his left arm wrapped around Isak and his hand running through his hair. They had been kissing for the better part of almost two hours.

During that time, they barely spoke. In fact, they had barely stopped kissing at all, except for the five minutes it took Even to find the Chinese restaurant on his app and place an order.

It had relaxed Isak completely. He no longer thought of anything that had happened that day, but rather he was now one hundred percent focused on Even.

At times they would pull away from each other, just for a short while. During those moments, which lasted but a minute or two, Isak and Even would carefully stare at one another as if communicating without the utterance of a single word.

Isak absolutely reveled in moments such as these, when an intense Even would look back at him and press his skin the longer they didn't break eye contact. 

It was the safest place to be, Isak would often think.

After a particularly long kiss, Even pulled away and, and as a breathless Isak looked back at him, Even stared at him.

"I can't believe I get to marry you" he told him, amazed.

Isak looked at him, smiled, and proceeded to kiss him again, cupping his face with both hands and leaning in as to turn and get on top of Even.

Even's hands pressed hard on either side of Isak's waist, while Isak slowly sat up, looking down on Even and not breaking eye contact as he quickly unbuttoned his shirt.

"What if we can't stop?" Even asked.

"Who says I wanna stop?"

"But the food— What if gets here while we—"

"It won't"

"I don't think I'll be able to stop" he seriously told Isak.

"Good, 'cause I don't ever want you to"

Even's expression went from nervous to elated in a split second. He smiled as Isak looked at him and bit his lip.

He sat up, at the same time as he tightened his hands on Isak's hips, pulling him close, kissing his stomach and then his chest, as he made Isak slowly move with his back to the other side of the couch, resting his head on the armrest and having his whole weight fall on top of him.

Isak ran his fingers through Even's hair, all the way to the back, closing his hand into a first and pulling him towards him so he could press his forehead against Even’s, looking deep into his eyes. 

As they kissed, Even ran his hands from Isak's neck all the way down to his waist, unbuttoning his pants and pulling them down, falling back on top of him soon after, pressing his body against Isak's.

Then, he grabbed Isak by the thighs and lifted both his legs up, sinking himself deeper.

As Isak tried to pull Even's shirt as if it were a t-shirt, up his torso and over his head, the doorbell rang.

Isak wanted to scream in frustration, and for a second he thought Even didn't hear it, for he continued kissing him as if nothing had happened. But after a longer, less intense though sweeter kiss, Even pulled away slightly and stopped moving.

"Damn" he said, breathless, letting his weight fall on Isak.

"Don't answer it" Isak all but begged, shaking his head.

"I have to. We need to eat — especially you"

"Why especially?"

He thought for a moment that Even was going to mention how not eating could trigger a migraine, and as much as Isak loved how worried he had been since he had come back from the hospital, this was really not the time for him to bring it up.

"We're going to finish this properly if it takes all night"

Isak had never been happier to be wrong.

He smiled, and Even kissed him once more.

The doorbell rang again, and so Even got up, pushing his shirt down and adjusting himself in his trousers.

Isak couldn't help but feel extremely frustrated. And aroused. He could barely look at Even without feeling his breathing become shallow.

Even opened the front door readily apologizing for taking too long, which was so typical, Isak thought. It made him smile as he heard it.

"How much do I owe you?" he then asked the delivery man.

"$73,50"

"Right. Let me— Erm, babe?" he said, louder. "Can you get me my wallet? I think it's in the studio"

Isak got up, putting his pants back on as he walked to the front door, standing in a way Even could see him but the delivery man couldn't, for the open door hid him from view.

"I have mine on me" he said, taking it from his back pocket and unfolding it open.

Even watched him, then opened the door all the way up.

"Here" Isak said, handing Even a $100 bill.

He didn’t take it. Instead he kept looking at Isak’s shirt, which was unbuttoned.

So Isak turned and handed the money to the delivery man.

"There you go. Keep the change" he said, taking the bag with the food.

"Thanks, dude. Have a good night" the man said, smiling at them before leaving.

Even closed the door and turned to face Isak, looking him up and down and remaining silent, still.

"What?" Isak asked him.

"Your pants"

"What about them?" he asked, looking down, afraid he had forgotten to button it like he did his shirt.

"They're... _on_ " he said.

"Oh" 

"Why are they on?" Even asked, sounding serious.

Isak smiled, as Even walked over to him and resumed kissing him.

They made love on the couch.

\\\

They sat with their legs crossed on either side of the couch, facing each other as they ate.

"You went a little overboard, don't you think?" Isak said, referencing the fact that they were each holding a takeout box of Chinese food and had four more opened boxes in between the two.

"You like it when there are leftovers"

Isak smiled.

He watched Even eat for a few moments. Even always said how much he enjoyed watching Isak eat his cooking, but he had no idea how much Isak enjoyed watching him eat. He enjoyed every bite, every mouthful as if it were his duty to do so, like appreciating the food he was ingesting was simply the right way of doing it. 

It said a lot about people, Isak thought. Their relationship with food. In Even’s case it was incredibly fitting. He approached it the same way he approached everything else in his life: with the utmost care. It was something to be admired, Isak would often think. Along with so many other things that he knew Even was probably unaware of, and that he tried to make sure he was told, whenever possible. 

Other times, however, Isak would fail to mention it. If anything because he would get too caught up admiring him and the moment would either pass or turn out to become a different moment altogether.

"What?" Even asked.

He hadn’t realized he had turned serious.

"I'm sorry" Isak blurted out, as he so often did.

"Sorry? What for?"

"Earlier tonight? I— I hate that I let myself do that"

"Do what, babe?"

"Let outside shit affect me like that. Bring it home with me. I fucking hate that" he explained. "It's one of the things I hated most about my dad, growing up. How he was always unable to separate things. How he would always bring his work home with him, and whatever mood me and my mom were in would be affected and changed, depending on what kind of day he'd had" he said.

"Babe—"

"I've always hated that. Especially because I knew it didn't have to be like that. Grandad, for instance. He worked **from** home and he never let it spill out like that"

He started to play with his food, using his chopsticks. 

Even had stopped eating and was now watching him, carefully.

"When I was little and he was working on his last novel? The one he didn't finish? Whenever he came out of his office, be it for a smoke break or a meal, he was always **there**. Always present" Isak told him. "And I've always sworn I'd be like him, not my dad” he said, looking down on his food. 

Even quietly payed attention.

“You can't let me become that, Even" Isak said, looking up at him. "You have to promise me you'll tell me if I get like that - and you know how I feel about promises—" 

"Only the ones we can keep" Even said, as if to tell him he knew, he remembered.

"Yes" Isak said. "You can't let me turn into that" he said, shaking his head.

"I promise. I won't" Even told him. "Only, you're wrong"

"Wrong?" Isak repeated.

"You didn't do that. You actually made it a point to explain to me how you weren't in the best of places, and how much you didn't want it to affect me. How you didn't want to take it out on me or anything. I understood, babe” he said, kindly. “I understand" he made it a point to add.

"Yeah?"

"If you ever do take it out on me, I'll tell you. But tonight? You've nothing to apologize for. You really don't"

"Then... that walk?"

"Was to try and make you feel better. To make your day a bit better” he explained. “I don't like it when you have bad days, and I’m the best person to understand what those are like and what they can do” he said.

Isak stopped playing with his food.

“I didn't want to ask you to go over it again, not at the risk of making it worse. So I just figured maybe spending some time away from it all would help"

"I see" he said, quietly.

"Did it work?"

"It did" Isak nodded.

"That's good"

"I..."

"Yes?"

"My day? It wasn't that bad. I mean, it was bad, but— I think I just got too frustrated… mad, or something"

"Why?" he simply asked, going back to eating.

"Doing that stuff for Hanna and my dad, cancelling the lecture, not grading my students' papers? Those weren't things that just... happened. I chose to do them. Even listening to Magnus – I'm used to that, Jonas has a point. I probably shouldn't let all that get to me the way it did"

"But it did? Bother you, I mean"

"Yes" he said, ashamed to admit it. "But not the things I did, not the things I chose to do – not really. I just— I had it all planned. I had my day planned, I was supposed to get all the things I had to do done by 4 pm, 5 pm, tops"

"Why?"

"I wanted to get home early. Before you"

"Oh?"

"I wanted time. More time, with you” he told him, as Even looked up at him when he did.

Those eyes. 

“You're leaving soon, and I just wanted to be here more" Isak went on. "And when I realized I wasn't going to be able to make it happen, everything started to piss me off and I let it snowball from there" he explained.

"You wanted to spend more time with me?"

Isak simply nodded.

"Because you're going to miss me while I'm in London?" he asked, incredibly smug.

Isak nodded again, making Even smile.

"That, and..." Isak said. "I also like your body"

"Ah" Even said. "The truth, finally out"

"Don't think I can go without some parts for too long" he said, shaking his head.

"Oh, yeah? Which parts?"

"You want the actual answer or the sexy answer?"

"I... I think I'm going to need both” he said, pretending to be torn for a moment. “Yeah, definitely both" he said, already smiling.

"Your heart, for one"

"My heart?"

Isak nodded.

"It's a beautiful heart" he said.

Even looked at him and tilted his head.

"Is that the sexy one? Because I have to say, it's pretty sexy"

"No. That's the actual one"

"Which is the other bit of me you like?"

"The sexy one? Yeah, it's not really a bit. Not even close" Isak said, biting his lip to try and not smile.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Uh-huh" he nodded.

"Is it a… good part?"

"Definitely” Isak nodded, widening is eyes. “It's a part I feel I should pay more attention to, actually"

"I see" he said, sounding wise. "And when do you plan on doing that?"

"Just as soon as you finish eating"

Even instantly threw the box he was holding back, over his shoulder.

\\\

As Even lay in the couch holding Isak in his arms, he ran his fingers through his hair while Isak had his hand on his chest. 

They had found a box of duvets that was still downstairs and used it to keep them warm, seeing as their clothes were still wet.

"You know, I was thinking. Maybe we should have a party" Even said.

"A party?"

"Yeah, like a house warming party. What do you think?" he suggested.

"I think it sounds like something Vilde would suggest?"

"She spoke to you, too?"

"Uh-huh" he nodded.

"Oh"

"But I like it. We could have a party, if you want"

"It's not really that I want it, as much as I just think it can be useful"

"Useful?"

"I mean, everyone's getting a little suspicious we haven't been going out as much lately. We've mostly just been—"

"Staying in, having sex every night?"

"Exactly. Which is perfect—"

"Yes, it is"

"Only, I think a party would be a good way of getting everyone together, all at once. We can socialize and then get back to—"

"Staying in, having sex every night?" Isak finished his sentence.

"Pretty much, yeah" he said, smiling. "Also, that way, we get to celebrate being engaged" Even causally commented.

Isak immediately stopped running his finger on his chest, in a circle.

"Wait, say that again? That last bit" he told him, leaning back so he could look at Even properly.

"What? That we're engaged?" he repeated, still casually.

"You hadn't said that yet" Isak smiled.

"Does it sound weird?" Even asked, suddenly unsure.

"No. It sounds—“ Isak said, a bit surprised himself. “Right"

"Right?"

"Yeah, it sounds... so nice"

"Yeah?"

"I like it" Isak said. "We're engaged" he repeated.

"You're right, that does sound nice" Even told him.

"Doesn't it?"

"Say it again" Even said, pulling Isak close.

"We're engaged" Isak told him.

Even couldn't stop grinning.

“Again” Even said.

“We’re engaged, baby” Isak said, kissing him.

They spent the night on the couch.

//

On Thursday, the house was so full, Isak could barely walk from the kitchen to the living room without bumping into someone.

“I was looking for Magnus and I just walked in on him and Vilde” Isak told Even, who smiled as though amused.

“They just got back together, of course they’re going to be going at it everywhere”

“In our bed, though?”

His amusement quickly vanished.

“There are two other rooms” he reminded Isak.

“Precisely what I said to them”

“Then again—“

“I don’t care that we’ve done it, Even” Isak quipped, knowing full well he had no right being upset.

There was hardly any room in Jonas and Eva’s former apartment Isak and Even hadn’t had sex in, for example. 

“Why were you looking for Magnus?”

“I wanted to ask him who some of these people were. I don’t think we know most of them” he told him, looking around.

“I was actually going to ask you that”

“He said he may have gotten carried away”

Even laughed, in a mix o surprise and admiration.

“You asked? After walking in on them?”

“Of course I asked! I’m just not sure if he was answering me or talking to Vilde when he said that about getting carried away”

“Well, it’s too late now, anyway. Everyone’s already here” Even pointed out.

Isak looked around, somewhat annoyed.

“Good thing about it being this full, though—“ Isak said.

“Yes?”

“We’re free to maybe, I don’t know, enjoy the party?” he told him, raising both eyebrows.

He took one step closer to Even, who didn’t do the same. In fact, he almost flinched, which Isak found quite odd but chose to ignore.

“So—“ Isak started to say, softly.

“Don’t, babe”

“What?”

“Don’t say it”

“Don’t say what?”

“I know that face, you were going to say that word”

“What word?”

“Just don’t say that word, please”

“Why can’t I say the word?”

“No reason. It’d just be better if you didn’t”

“You gotta give me more than that, Even. If I can’t say the word, the least you could do is tell me why”

“Let’s just say it would be like drying ice”

Isak instantly looked down at Even’s waist.

“You mean—?”

Even nodded.

“But why?”

“It doesn’t matter why—“

“Oh, but it does, ba—“

“Isak” 

He sounded hopelessly nervous, Isak could barely contain himself.

“Why though?” he asked, biting his lip.

“You just look particularly nice tonight”

“But I didn’t even say the word”

“You don’t have to say stuff for me to get like this, babe”

“But if I were to say it—“

“Which you won’t”

“But if it’s for science, Even—”

“For science?”

“Yes. I need to conclude the study on the effects of said word”

“You know full well the effects that word has”

“No conclusively, I don't. Besides, there’s been a development, recently”

“What kind of development?”

“An interesting variable that has presented itself, demanding further study”

“And what variable would that be?”

“A new, correlated effect that I’ve observed” Isak said, and he loved that Even was hanging on his every word. “Whenever I say— that word, and create the desired effect on you, it seems like it also produces a similar effect on me”

“You get hard with that word, too?”

“No, it isn’t the word” Isak said, shaking his head.

Even looked at him.

“It’s witnessing what it does to you that causes me to also become hard”

“Oh”

“So, you see, further study is simply necessary”

“Well, then by all means, engage in it” Even said, candidly. “At another time and place”

“Why?” Isak said, unable not to smile.

“Because if you say it, I won’t be able to move”

“What if I take steps?” Isak said, absolutely determined.

“What steps?” he said, somewhat fearful.

“Steps specially intended to focus on the resulting consequence of saying the word”

“You’re not helping at all. You do know that, don’t you?”

“But I do want to help, that’s actually my point”

“How do you propose to do that?”

“We could maybe, I don’t know” he said, getting quite close to Even’s ear. “Go someplace I could be sure to focus on the reaction you seem to be experiencing? Get you off properly” he whispered before pulling away and continuing to look at Even.

He didn’t want to miss the expression on Even’s face. He looked so beautifully confused and hopeless. 

And horny. So very horny. Isak found the whole exchange borderline erotic.

“I don’t want you to simply get me off, Isak”

“You don’t? So why would—“

Even seemed to be having trouble containing himself, which only made Isak happier. 

He quickly put his arm on Isak’s waist and pulled him close, as if they were slow dancing, causing him to immediately realize Even wasn't exaggerating when he said he didn't need to hear the word to experience its effect.

“I’m having some difficulty imagining anything except being inside you for as long as possible” he said, pulling away as Isak did before. “That’s why” he concluded, looking so hot Isak began to have trouble concentrating.

“I locked up the study before the party” Isak quickly said.

“You locked it up?”

“Yes, your films are all there, and I didn’t want the boxes to get in the way so I just sort of stored it all there and locked it so no one would go in. Doesn't matter why really—”

“Okay?”

“There’s almost no room” he said, as though regretting having put all those extra boxes inside. “I suppose we’d have to make due with simply standing the whole time—“

“Oh?”

“Of course, I don’t think we need much room, seeing as the idea here is to be as close together as possible—“

“Are you suggesting—?”

“I’m not suggesting anything, Even” he told him, quite seriously.

“You’re not?”

Isak bit his lip and was quiet for a beat, watching Even as though seemingly trying to get a mental picture of that moment. He was doing precisely just that, while admiring him as he looked carefully back at Isak.

He leaned in closer, taking hold of Even’s shirt.

“I’m telling you I’m on my way to the study, where I will wait for you—“

“You are, huh?”

“You can’t except to say something like that to me and not follow through, Even. Just as I can’t say a word that makes you want to do something like that and not intend to have your lips on me as soon as I say it” Isak said, before purposefully adding “It wouldn’t be fair, _baby_ ”

Even blinked twice, real fast. 

It was enough to get Isak to all but run to the study.

\\\

“Why the fuck is the music so low?” Isak asked, as Even took off his shirt and buried his head on his neck.

“It isn’t, babe” he said, in between kisses.

“It isn’t loud enough” Isak said, as he rolled his eyes once Even’s hands slid down his back.

“Why are you worrying about music at this very moment?”

“Because—“ he said, as Even immediately placed both hands on his hip and turned him around.

“Fuck, I need it to be loud” he told him, while Even pulled down his jeans.

“Why is that?” he said, kissing Isak’s back.

He put both arms up, and as Even held Isak’s hands and locked his fingers in between his own, he slowly slid inside him.

Even made sure his lips remained on Isak’s neck, as Isak let his head fall back.

“I really want to just fucking scream” he told him, breathless.

“You’re so hot, Isak”

“Fuck, Even, don’t stop. Even—“

\\\

Even held Isak, neither one of them moving after having finished. As they were still breathing rather fast, Even had his head deep on Isak’s collarbone, kissing his neck as he had both arms wrapped around him, with Isak still holding Even's hands close to his chest as he leaned back on him.

“Do you want me to—“ Even said, but Isak interrupted him.

“No. Don’t move”

“Good, ‘cause it feels too good to move”

“This was amazing”

“It was. It really was”

“This box is ruined, though” Isak noted.

“I don’t even care what’s in that box” Even sincerely said.

He kissed Isak’s neck again. 

“You have to tell me what it is I did, because this? We need to do this more often” Isak told him.

As Isak spoke, someone tried to open the sliding study doors. They could hear muffled voices that were drowned by the music, and even though they knew no one could get in, they still went quiet.

“God, I love your smell” Even told him, still focused on Isak’s neck.

“I’m sure no one will notice if we just stay in here” Isak said, knowing full well they’d have to leave the studio sometime, but wholeheartedly wishing they did not have to move an inch for the next few hours. 

All he could think of was how good Even felt, still inside him.

“I think I’d have to agree with you”

“Can you read what it says in that box, right there, at the top?” Isak said, signaling with his head to a stack of boxes to their right.

“Linen? I think it’s what it says”

“Can you reach it?”

“Not without moving away from you”

“Never mind then”

“Babe, we’ll have to, at some point. We’ll get cold”

“I know. We should’ve stood next to that pile of boxes, not over the—“ he said, squinting and trying to read the upside-down handwriting in the poorly lit studio. “— pasta-maker”

“I was looking for my pasta-maker. I thought I’d make us tortellini before I left”

“The green ones?”

“Yeah, with the rosé sauce you like”

“Oh, yes. Do that, please”

“After what just happened? I’ll do whatever you want”

“Do you have your cigarettes on you?”

“You want a cigarette?”

“I think this calls for one”

“It’s in my back pocket, but—“

“You can’t reach?”

“No, not like this”

“Shit”

“We should maybe just be quiet for a few minutes, then I’ll be able to reach down”

“Are you telling me to shut up?” Isak asked, rather insulted.

“No” he said, apologetically. “Well, yes, but not because I want you to” he then explained.

“Why, then?”

“If you keep talking I’ll stay hard and we’ll never get out of here”

“And that’s what you consider first? Staying still and being quiet?”

“Well—“

“Honestly, Even” he shook his head.

“You’re the one who wants a cigarette”

“Sure, but there are alternatives. Better alternatives”

“Like what?”

“We’ve been talking about food and linen, yet you’re still hard and I’m still hard—“

“You’re still hard?”

“How can I not be when you’re still like this inside me?”

“Can you really go again?”

“Don’t you want to?”

“You’re too good to me, Isak Valtersen”

\\\

Even and Isak lay on the floor, over a blanket they found in one of the boxes.

“I love this room” Even said.

“I was thinking we could use that bookcase to put all of your films and your cameras and work stuff” Isak said, meaning the wall-to wall-bookcase.

“What about your books and all your papers?”

“I could use the other one”

“That one’s smaller”

“But your stuff takes up more room”

“Yeah but—“

“What?”

“Don’t you want a library? You’re always buying books. I thought we could turn this room into your very own library. That way you wouldn’t have to share it with me”

“Why wouldn’t I want to share it with you?” Isak asked him, intrigued.

“You always get distracted whenever we have to work at the same time”

“That’s because you distract me”

“Isn’t it a bad thing?”

“Since when?”

“Oh”

“Do you want your own space?”

“Me? No. It’s different for me. It doesn’t make me lose focus when you’re around. I mean it does, but it isn’t a bad thing. If anything, it makes me more productive”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely”

“I think we can share this room. That way we don’t have to use one of the bedrooms” Isak said.

“We’ll have two guest bedrooms”

“Yeah”

“For when we fight?” Even said.

“For when you lose interest?” Isak said.

“For when we’re old and deaf and can’t agree on which movie to watch?” 

“For when Isak runs away from Sana?” 

“Or Vilde runs away from Magnus?”

They both laughed.

“Or for when we decide to have a kid” Isak said, having zero clue as to where that idea came from, moments after.

“Any of the above” Even told him.

They went quiet for a moment, while Isak adjusted himself in Even's arms.

Even was holding Isak’s right hand on his left, locking and unlocking their fingers together.

“Do you think, since we’re getting married—“ Isak began to say.

“Yes?”

“Is there anything we should talk about but still haven’t?”

“What, like deal-breakers?” Even asked.

“No. I mean something we should discuss beforehand” Isak explained.

“Like the having kids thing?”

“We have talked about it a bit, but yes. Big stuff like that”

“Is there anything that would make you change your mind?” Even asked him, suddenly serious.

"Change my mind? Are you insane?” Isak said, quite honestly.

“I don’t know. What if I turn into someone you don’t like?”

“Like a conservative, you mean?” Isak asked.

“Sure, let’s go with that”

“We’d fight a lot more”

“Fair enough”

“Is there anything that would make you change your mind, Even?”

“I made up my mind years ago, Isak”

“We never talked about a couple of things, though”

“Which things?”

“Things you don’t like to talk about but that we should, regardless of marriage?”

“We don’t need to talk about that stuff yet”

“We kinda do, baby”

“Why?” Even asked him, trying to hide the fact that he was really not enjoying this topic.

“Because it almost came to it?” Isak said.

“But it didn’t. You woke up”

“That’s not the point”

“Don’t ask me to talk about that, Isak”

“I don’t like it any more than you do—“

“But you always bring it up, and we always end up arguing”

“I don’t always bring it up” Isak defended himself.

“I know I don’t”

“It’s part of it, Even. We can’t ignore it and just pretend like it’ll never happen. It almost happened, and if it had—“

“It didn’t”

“But if it had, you wouldn’t have known what to do”

“Would you?”

“I think I would” he said, quietly. “But I still want you to tell me, so I can do what you want me to”

“I don’t like to talk about losing you, Isak”

“You almost did”

“Stop saying that! God—“ 

“I don’t want to, Even. It’s not something I like thinking about, either. But we need to, because—“

“Why? Why do we need to?" he asked, going from annoyed to angry instantly. "I mean, I know we’ll have to, but why now? It’ not going to happen”

“One day it will”

“Years from now, sure—“

“You can’t do this”

“Do what?”

“I know you don’t like it. I don’t either, but it’s not like we know it’s taking decades to happen. Days ago we both thought of it—”

“Isak, **don’t** ”

“I don’t want to fight or make you mad—“

“Then drop it” 

“Okay”

“I can’t talk about this. I know it almost happened but I can’t talk about it, Isak”

“Fine”

“Don’t be mad”

“I’m not mad, Even. I don’t like thinking about it, either”

“But?”

“It’s one of those things that when it happens it’s someone else’s responsibility to make sure the right thing gets done. That’s you. It’ll be your responsibility”

Even let go of Isak’s hand.

“Fine. You would want me to pull the plug, right?” he said, clearly angry.

“Jesus, fuck off”

“Well, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would” Isak said, matter-of-factly.

“Okay. So, me too, then. No need to scatter any ashes either, just have me disposed of, wherever”

“Fuck, Even...”

“You talk as if you knew you’ll be the first one to go. I **hate** that” he told Isak.

“I don’t know that”

“But you’d prefer it, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course I would”

“See?”

“Wouldn’t you?”

“No. I’d like to go together”

“Yeah, but the odds of that—“

“Not everything is math, Isak”

“Don’t fucking joke, Even”

“It’s not your decision”

“You won’t do that” Isak said, suddenly afraid.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m telling you not to”

“You won’t be here, remember?”

“Even—“

“We’re about to get married. You can’t expect me to discuss you dying. I can’t do that”

“Okay, Even. Never mind”

“This is not me being a prick, Isak”

“I know it's not.”

“It happened. Not too long ago, I was certain it had happened. And I won’t go there, not when I’m just about to marry you, not now." he said, no longer sounding as upset. "I’m not refusing to talk about it at all, indefinitely. I just can’t do it now, not when I just got you back”

“Almost two years, Even”

“The nightmares stopped six months ago. You just got back from the hospital. There’s one more appointment we need to go to” he said. “So, no. I can’t do this yet”

“Okay. We don’t have to”

“I will. Just not now”

“Okay. I’m sorry”

“No, don’t be—“

“What?”

“Don’t be sorry. You’ve nothing to be sorry for, just… understand”

“Okay, baby"

“I mean, we haven’t even told anyone—” Even said.

He took Isak’s hand again, pulling it up to where his chin and kissing it, then holding it close to his chest.

“Dr. Pedersen”

“What?”

“We told him” Isak reminded him.

Even laughed.

“That’s true, he knows”

“I also told Rita” Isak said, making Even instantly look at him, intrigued.

“Who’s Rita?”

“Uber driver”

“You told the Uber driver?” he said, laughing.

“Uh-huh” he nodded.

“Why?”

“It just came out”

“In conversation?”

“No, not really. She was talking about the traffic and I sorta blurted it out”

“Why?” he asked, mid-laugh.

“I had to tell someone. So I thought, _‘why not Rita?’_ ”

“How did she take it?”

“She was thrilled, actually”

“Cool”

He kissed Isak’s hand again.

“Okay, so I should confess” Even said.

“What?”

“I told Elsa”

“Nurse Elsa?” he asked, smiling.

Even nodded, smiling.

“What did she say?”

“She said she called it, when you woke up”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh” he nodded;

“Anyone else?”

“Dr. Hagen”

“From the ER? When?”

“When I apologized”

“Why did you apologize to her?”

“I thought she was a nurse” he said. “And I was rude”

“You weren’t rude” 

“I was” he said. “She was, too. But I was rude”

Isak smiled, reaching to put his hand on the side of Even’s face.

“You’re too good, Even Bech Næsheim”

\\\

Isak was rummaging inside another box.

“I’ve never thought I’d be happy we procrastinated” he said, pulling out a pack of Oreos and handing it to Even before continuing to look inside the box.

“Which box is that?” Even asked, somewhat confused.

He tilted his head and was able to read the word ‘Emergency’ written with Isak’s handwriting.

“Emergency?” he questioned him.

“I thought we should have a box with some essentials to keep us over in case we took too long to unpack or lost a couple on the move”

“We did most of the move ourselves”

“But we are taking too long to unpack”

“Sure, but why would we need a box with random items?”

Isak stopped and turned to Even, seriously looking at his hand.

“What’s that you’re holding?”

“Oreos”

“I rest my case”

“It’s not like we’re trapped here” he said, laughing. “We’re having a party in our own house, there’s plenty of food and drinks” he pointed out, using the bag of Oreos to show Isak the door.

Isak stopped looking in the box, turned around and faced him.

“Okay, fine. Go get us a couple of beers and some sandwiches, then”

“I mean, I can’t right now—“

“But aren’t you hungry?”

“Yes, I’m hungry—”

“A-ha!” he said, pointing at the bag of Oreos and resuming searching the open cardboard box.

“You’re such a nut, babe” Even said, smiling as he opened the bag and started to eat.

“Pepsi or Coke?”

“Are you serious?”

Isak turned around once again, holding a Pepsi in one hand and a Coca-cola bottle on the other.

“Coke”

Isak threw him the bottle and went back to focus on the box.

“Where is it?” Isak mumbled to himself.

“What else did you pack? Don’t tell me there’s a frozen pizza in there somewhere”

“Don’t worry, you’re not going to eat what I’m looking for”

“Why not? Don’t I like it?”

“You do, actually”

“Then why can’t I have it?”

“Because you’re judging the box" he told him. "There! Found it”

He finally turned around, going back to lying next to Even. He’d found a jar of Nutella that he had stashed.

He opened the jar, took out the lid and placed it on top of another box that was next to him, dipped his index finger inside and licked it, all the while ignoring Even, who was watching him.

“I’m sorry I made fun of your box” he said, looking rather sad.

“No, you’re not. You just want my Nutella”

“I do want some Nutella” he said, and Isak simply raised a single brow as if acknowledging it.

Isak looked at him for a beat, pretending not to have made up his mind about giving him as much as he wished. 

He dipped his finger inside the jar once again, only this time he held it up so Even could lick it – which he did, without thinking twice. All the while Isak watched him, biting his lip.

Rhye’s _Taste_ could be heard playing in the background.

“It’s so noisy out there” Even mentioned, as he divided an Oreo in two, feeding Isak, the part with the filing. 

“Thank God, because I really didn’t hold back”

“No, you did not” Even said, looking awful pleased.

“How long do you think we’ve been in here?”

“A good hour or two?” he replied, before adding “More” and turning to the side, waiting for Isak to feed him some more hazelnut.

“Remember that weekend we spent in Bergen? I wanted to attend that lecture my professor was hosting?” Isak asked. 

He watched as his finger was still in Even’s mouth.

“Uh-huh” Even nodded, as he swallowed. “And stayed in our hotel room for the whole weekend instead? Of course I remember; That was a great weekend” he then said.

“I never did get to watch that lecture”

“I hated that guy”

“You did? Professor… shit, I don’t even remember his name”

“I did. I always thought he had a thing for you”

“You were jealous of my physics teacher?”

“He was way too friendly”

“He was like that with everybody”

“No he wasn’t. Every time I was around he made sure to explain stuff to me, like I was slow”

“He did not”

“Yes he did, but only when you were there. It was like he wanted to make you see how stupid the guy you were with was”

“And yet I can’t even recall his name but here I am, feeding you Nutella” he said, as he did just that.

“Yes, you are” he smiled, absolutely smug.

“Anyway, my point is, I like it when it’s just the two of us”

“Then come with me to London”

“I would, if I could, baby. You know that”

“I know” he said, but he sounded and looked so disappointed. “What am I going to do in London for weeks if you’re not there?”

“Work?”

“I can work just fine with you there with me. If you don’t go, I’ll just—”

“What?”

“Last time we went to London we fought the whole time. It was tense and not at all what we intended it to be, but at least we were together”

“We’ll talk a lot. Besides, I know you. You’ll try to not work so much and will end up pulling all-nighters even though you shouldn’t”

“Well—“

“We can FaceTime” Isak suggested.

“Sure” he said, not exactly thrilled.

“We can FaceTime naked”

“Yeah?”

“A. Lot” Isak said.

“That’s better, I suppose”

“The best part though, is when you come back”

“Run back" Even corrected him. "Right”

They both smiled and went silent for a beat.

“I hate to do this but, I think we should go back out there” Even said.

“I know, I was thinking the same thing”

They got up, each picking their clothes that lay around the floor and on top of boxes. As Isak got dressed, Even watched him, unable to look away. 

They got dressed in silence, exchanging looks as they did.

\\\

Once they were ready, Isak unlocked the door and was the first to step outside. Luckily for the two, no one seemed to notice they were gone.

“Great party” some random guy told Isak, walking past him and heading upstairs.

Isak looked around, confused, before Even walked over to him.

“Do you know that guy?” he said, pointing.

“Never seen him before”

“I’m gonna kill Magnus”

“What did he do this time?” Sana asked him, having just walked over.

“We don’t know half the people here”

“Yeah, it does seem to be getting a little out of control” she said.

“I’m kinda hungry. I think I’ll make that sandwich, after all” Even told Isak. “Do you want one?” he added.

Before Isak could respond, however, Sana interrupted them.

“I was just upstairs, so I know there’s no way you two were up there”

“What do you mean?” Even asked.

“Where did you two go to have sex?” she asked.

“What?” Isak asked, genuinely surprised.

“Come on, Isak. Like it’s difficult to tell”

“It isn’t?” Even asked, beautifully naïve, but totally admitting it to Sana what they did.

He was just too good, Isak thought. If it were up to him, he’d keep answering her questions with other, more complex questions in the hopes of shifting the subject without having to admit shit.

“Your ears, Even”

“What about my ears?” he said, instinctively holding up his hands to either ear, hiding them.

“Oh, please” Isak said, dismissively, looking at Even’s ears and then back at Sana. “They get like that whenever I kiss him. It means nothing” Isak told her, absolutely, one hundred percent calling her bluff.

“Get like how?” Even asked him, worried.

“All pink” Sana jumped in.

Even rubbed both ears, looking puzzled at Isak.

“It means nothing” Isak repeated.

“Right. I suppose you not being able to stop grinning means what? That you’re finding it funny how your shirt is suddenly inside out?”

“Shit” Isak said, and as he looked down he immediately hated himself for falling for the oldest trick in the book.

When he looked at Sana, she was smiling, utterly amused.

“It is a party” he simply said.

“Uh-huh. I’m going to go get some glasses, we seem to have run out” she said, walking away.

“Do my ears really give me away?” Even asked him, holding both hands up and rubbing each ear as he looked at Isak.

He looked so damn cute, Isak couldn’t help but reach up himself and cup his ears.

“They do” he said, giving him a quick kiss. “Do I really grin nonstop?”

“You do. I love that you do” Even said.

\\\

Isak was walking from the living room to the hall, meaning to go upstairs and check to see if he could change the sheets on their bed when Jonas and Eva arrived.

“Cool! You guys came”

“Of course we came. It’s your first party” Eva said, smiling.

“Everybody came, apparently” Jonas told him.

“Apparently so, including strangers”

“You don’t know all these people?” Eva asked, looking around.

“Me? I have like, seven friends”

“Then who—“ Jonas began asking, but was quickly interrupted by Isak.

“Magnus” he told him, unimpressed.

“Of course”

“Where is he?”

“Busy. With Vilde”

“Ah” Jonas said.

“In my bed”

“Oh” Eva said.

The three stood there, nodding.

“Oh, there’s Sana. I have to tell her about the swing”

“Swing?” Isak repeated to Jonas.

“The new place has a swing set. We thought maybe Sana would like to have it, for Isak”

“Nice, he’s going to love that”

“We think so”

“So? How’s married life?”

“We haven’t left the house in days. It’s fucking awesome”

“Glad to hear it”

“Now I know what you and Even are talking about. This is definitely going to become a pattern with us, as well”

Jonas looked unbelievably happy.

“Do you want to go somewhere a bit more quiet?”

“Sure. Where?”

“I got an idea. Follow me”

\\\

Isak led the way downstairs, unlocking the door that led to the pool.

“Ah. Smart man” Jonas said when he noticed Isak had kept the pool locked and out of bounds to the guests.

They walked to the edge of the pool and sat down, both facing the water.

Jonas took out a blunt from his jacket and lit it up, inhaling and passing it to Isak, who took a few drags before returning it to him.

“Did you guys really break in?”

“Uh-huh” Isak nodded, holding the smoke in his lungs.

He pointed at the small window to Jonas’s left and with both hands, signaled as if opening it.

“Nice”

“Even said it was his aunt’s house, but she was away”

“And you bought that?”

“Fuck no. I knew he was lying”

“But you broke in anyway?”

“It didn’t really matter”

“What’s a felony when hormones are involved, right?”

They both laughed, and Isak coughed, being midway through inhaling when Jonas said it.

“What then?”

“You want to hear about my first kiss with Even?”

“Why not? You know about my first kiss with Eva”

“Alright” Isak said, giving him back the blunt. “We kept talking and at some point I threw him in the water”

“Smooth” he nodded.

“I thought so” he grinned.

Jonas gave him back the blunt, but Isak turned to face the water and almost got lost in it, as if he could see it, him and Even looking at each other in the middle of the pool, as he told Jonas the story.

It took him a second before he could come back, so to speak. It may have been longer, but he couldn’t tell. He took another hit and, while still watching the water, went on with the story.

“I tried to impress him by holding my breath under water for longer than him”

“You can barely breathe around the guy”

“He didn’t know that, did he?” Isak said, turning to Jonas and turning back. “He found out though”

“He won?”

“Oh, I had lost it, way before we were ever in the water”

Jonas smiled, knowing too well Isak was telling the most honest of truths.

“I demanded a rematch”

“Of course you did”

“And when we went under, he just… kissed me”

“Underwater?”

“Yeah”

“Sweet”

“That was it, our first kiss. Doesn’t feel like that long ago at all”

“I know what you mean. I think the same about me and Eva”

“You mean the Mrs?”

“Let her hear you say that”

“It’s just cool that you two are married”

“It is, dude”

Isak smiled. They continued to share the blunt in silence for a while.

“How are you feeling?” Jonas asked him.

“Good. Pretty great” Isak truthfully said.

“And your head?”

“No pain. Just, you know, **a** pain” he joked, making Jonas smile.

“What about Even? Is he less freaked out?”

“I think so” Isak said. “I’m just trying to—“

“What?”

“I think I made him more worried, after we came home”

“Why?”

“I dunno, because I suck?”

“Dude”

There he was, calling his bluff.

“I just— I had to open my big mouth and tell him how freaked out I got. Only I miscalculated and once I started speaking I just couldn’t fucking stop”

“I think it’s called communicating, isn’t it?” he pointed out, kindly.

“The word ‘overdosing’ comes to mind, to be honest” he said. “I just hope I can make him forget it”

“Why would you want him to forget it?”

“Not forget, that’s not it. I can’t think of the right word now, but I just want him to have a good couple of days before he leaves, that’s all. I don’t want him to go to London and stay here, you know?”

“Dude, I don’t think that’s possible”

“Why not?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I think you should try to make him have a good few days before going away”

“But?”

“Wanting him to go and not stay?” he said, taking a drag. 

Isak watched him, extremely interested as he waited for him to finish.

“I don’t see it” 

“Why not?”

“You’re staying” Jonas simply said.

Isak looked at him.

“I mean, if it were you, would you really be able to do it?”

“We’ve done it before”

“I know you have”

“It wasn’t great, but we did it’’

“I’m no expert” Jonas said. “But there’s something going on with you two—” he continued, pausing as he looked at him.

Isak had absolutely no idea how to get out of this. 

"I don't know what it is yet, but there's something—" he said, before stopping and turning to face Isak. "It's good, whatever it is"

"Good?"

"It's like you keep getting better. Moving forward"

"You're like that, too. You and Eva—"

"I'm just saying" he told him. "I notice things, dude"

"Yeah, you do" noticing it as well.

"It's like— Like I don't have to worry about you as much"

"You worry about me?"

"You're my best friend, Isak" He seriously said. "I worry"

"Well, you may be overestimating me a bit"

"I don't think I am though" he said, shaking his head.

Isak watched him for a beat, deciding if he should say anything.

"I'm trying" he admitted.

"Trying?" Jonas repeated.

"To separate things? Keeps certain stuff from interfering"

"What kind of stuff?"

"I hate to tell you this man, but I have issues" he said.

Both instantly started to laugh.

"I'm trying to not let them creep up on me as much. Only—"

"Yeah?"

"They seem to want to do just that sometimes"

Jonas looked at him.

"I've been having nightmares, ever since I came back from the hospital"

"What kind of nightmares?"

"The kind that mean something?" he said. "I think"

"What have you been dreaming about?" Jonas asked him, handing him the blunt.

Isak took a drag and held it in his lungs for as long as he could before exhaling.

"There's this road, in the middle of nowhere, at night, surrounded by these big, tall trees that are covered in snow. It's so well lit, and even though there's snow everywhere, the road itself is clear, and I actually notice how I don't feel cold at all" he said, taking another drag before continuing.

Jonas carefully paid attention, hanging on Isak's every word.

"Then I see him. Even" he said, turning to him as he did and then turning back to face the water. "I wave at him, only he's too far away so I don't know if he sees me. But he starts walking towards me, and as he gets closer I can see there's this thick, dense fog approaching, coming from all sides, extremely fast"

He gave Jonas back the blunt and Jonas instantly took a drag, without even looking. He couldn't seem to take his eyes of Isak.

"I look back and I see that it's coming for me too, so I turn back to look at Even and I start calling out his name and telling him to hurry but—" he said, shaking his head. "He doesn't do anything. He just smiles at me, walking, without changing his pace. The fog keeps coming until it all but engulfs him, and yet he keeps smiling, seemingly unaware of it. He just keeps looking at me... So I turn around again and suddenly there's no more fog, and when I look at him again he's turned back and is now walking away from me instead of towards me, and just as I start calling out his name again, just as I decide to run to him... I wake up"

"Jesus" Jonas said, inhaling again.

"That's it. That's the dream"

“How many times have you had this dream?”

“It started the night I went to the hospital. I’ve had it every night, since” he told a wide-eyed Jonas.

“Did you tell Even?”

“The first night I couldn’t quite remember all of it, only that he was there. That’s what I told him” he explained. “The last couple of nights though, he didn’t wake up, so I just… didn’t”

“Do you have any clue as to what it may mean?”

Isak nodded.

"What does it mean, you think?"

“What does what mean?” Eva asked, walking in on the two.

They both turned to face her, surprised.

“Just a weird dream” Isak told her, dismissively. 

“Oh, I love dreams” she said, interested. “What was it about?” she asked, sitting down between him and Jonas.

“The E!” Jonas said, in a light-bulb moment.

“What about it?” Isak asked.

“The dream. Maybe the ecstasy is what’s responsible for it” he said.

“But the last one was last night” Isak said.

“It... takes a while?” Jonas said, suddenly unsure.

“Besides, I know what it meant, remember?”

“Maybe it gave you perspective” Eva suggested. “A nudge, of sorts”

“A nudge?” Jonas repeated.

“Oh, that’s a good word” Isak said.

“It happens” she defended herself.

“You think that’s why I’m having the dream?”

“I don’t really know what we’re talking about, but if you had a dream that makes some sense to you after taking the E, then sure, it could be that it somehow opened you up to something that you may have been trying to repress or avoid” she said. “Though the neuroscientist of the group is Sana, not me”

Both Isak and Jonas looked disappointed. It somehow felt better though, having him look the same as Isak felt.

“Not the answer you guys were hoping for?”

They both shook their heads. Eva looked at Isak, then Jonas and smiled.

“Are you sure you know what it means?” she asked.

It was so typical of her, and Isak loved her for it. She didn’t want to pry, but she did want to help.

“I think I do, but—“

“If you’re not sure, don’t tell him yet”

“What? Tell who?”

“Even”

“How do you know the dream’s about Even?”

“You wouldn’t look like that if the dream was about cake”

“Oh”

She smiled again.

“Did I bum you guys out?” she asked, worried.

“No. I did. I’ve been good at doing that, lately”

They all went quiet for a moment.

“Tell me” Eva said, reaching out her arm and pointing at the water. “Is this pool only for sex?” she asked.

It made them laugh.

“You wanna go in?” Isak asked.

“Not if it’s used only for sex, I don’t”

“It’s not used only for sex” Isak said. “Even cleaned it this morning” he assured her.

“Let’s go in!” she happily said.

“You two go ahead, I should go back upstairs and find Even”

“Oh, come on, Isak” she said, disappointed.

“I just need to ask him something” he said, before getting up and walking out.

\\\

Son Lux’s _Let Me Follow_ was playing in the background.

Isak walked up the stairs and noticed how much fuller the house was. He could barely walk without bumping into someone. Dozens of people standing throughout the living room, coupled up or in small groups, were talking and laughing as they drank. The music was so loud that the sound of laughter and conversation was oftentimes drowned by it.

As he walked, Isak carefully canvassed the rooms, going from the hall to the kitchen, the dining room then back to the hall again, only to notice that the living room and the TV room had been turned into one large improvised dance-floor.

From where he stood, he could see that in the farthest corner of the room, Even was sitting alone on the middle cushion of the sofa, looking rather introspective. 

It was one of those unchanging memories, Isak suspected. It wasn't adaptable or movable, be it by time or any other reason. These were constant. Whenever they were to meet, be it for dinner on some random restaurant on a date night, or during a concert where they'd split up to go get drinks, or even in the supermarket when they would go to different aisles to save some time, there would always be that one moment in which Isak would get to see the look on Even's face when he saw him. It was the same look every time, in every occasion, from the most mundane to the most complex.

Few things could compare to how Even looked once he found Isak in a crowd. He always looked at Isak as though they hadn’t seen each other in weeks. It was for that very reason in fact, that Isak stopped walking when he did, a couple of feet away from him. It was close enough, Isak thought. He wanted to see Even’s expression once he caught sight of him.

Isak admired him for as long as he dared, waiting to be found. 

Just as he had hoped, the moment Even saw him he lit up, instantly giving him the widest of smiles and stretching out his right hand.  
Isak slowly walked up to him. 

He took his hand, standing in between his legs. When he looked down, however, Even was no longer smiling, but rather he now looked serious.

"Why are you sitting here all by yourself?" Isak asked him.

"I was talking to Sana, but she went to find Yousef" he explained.

Even pulled Isak's hand, tugging it slightly, as if to make him get closer.

Isak looked down. He already had both legs against the sofa, but Even simply repeated his gesture, pulling Isak's hand to him.

It wasn’t close enough.

"Closer" Even said, simply.

He moved forward and up, adjusting himself on Even's lap, with either knee on his sides and faced him.

Even ran his hand from Isak's thighs up his lower back, under his shirt, and pulled him even closer, carefully watching him as he did.

“Hi” Isak said, once he’d adjusted himself on Even’s lap, biting his lip.

Even smiled.

"What's wrong, baby?" Isak asked him after placing both hands on his chest.

After a few moments, Even spoke.

"The more I look at you, the less I want to go to London" he admitted.

Isak smiled, gently pressing his chest.

"I'd tell you to not look at me" he said. "But I like it when you look at me" 

"Will you be okay while I'm away?"

"No?" Isak smiled and said, only half joking. "Will you?" he asked him.

"No" Even shook his head.

Isak looked down. He kept noticing how his hands looked on Even’s chest, running them over his shirt, as if scratching him. Until he stopped. Isak could feel Even's heart was beating faster than usual. He couldn't tell how much faster, but he knew it was faster than it should've been, seeing as Even wasn't walking or moving in any way that would impact his heart rate.

His heart. Did Even know his heart was his biggest giveaway? While in Isak's case it's his breathing, sometimes his eyes, with Even it's always been his heart – which was, after all, so very fitting.

"Can I take you to the airport?" Isak asked him.

"I’d love that" he said. "Only, my flight's at 9:30 am. You'll be in class"

"Shit" Isak said, disappointed.

"It's alright. I'll take a taxi" 

"I can quit?" he joked.

"Okay" Even said, gentle as always.

It made for Isak to lean in and kiss him, as slow and as soft as he could.

"Will you tell me if your head hurts?" Even asked him, looking serious. "If anything hurts?" he then added.

"I will" he said, nodding.

They looked at each other in silence for the longest time, with Even rubbing Isak's lower back and Isak keeping both hands on his chest, feeling his heart beat.

Until Isak broke eye contact, going back to looking down at his hands on Even’s chest again.

“I want to ask you to stay” Isak confessed, unable to look Even in the eye.

“Why don’t you?” he asked him, and Isak could tell he said it through a smile.

“It isn’t fair?” Isak said. “And you’d probably do it”

“I would” Even was quick to say.

Isak glanced at him, but only just.

"Can you wake me? he quietly asked him. “If I’m sleeping, can you wake me up before you leave?" 

"But you hate goodbyes"

"I do" he admitted. "I just— I don't want to wake up and find you gone"

Even tilted his head, as he pressed harder on Isak's skin.

"I'll tell you what. I'll wake you up as soon as I do" he suggested. "That way we'll have time before I need to get ready"

"Okay" a smiley Isak said.

They fell silent again, this time for longer. When Isak finally looked up, Even had been watching him all along.

"Why is it harder this time, Isak?"


	8. With You

Even had been in London for a week, and the nightly phone calls had turned into daily texts as of the last couple of days. Isak knew it was because Even had begun to shoot some night shots around the city, and whenever Even started to film a project, especially during the early stages, he would get so consumed by it that he would be able to go for nights with no sleep and never even feel tired.

Again, Isak knew all that. He even admired that about Even, how he loved his work so much he could spend literal days living off it and nothing else. He still would always miss him when it happened. And these phone calls mattered a lot to Isak. 

It was the only time he got to hear his voice, the only time he could – without Even knowing it – analyze how he was, how much stress he was under and how he was handling it, whether or not he was remembering to eat before taking his meds and so on.

Also, it helped. 

Isak had been having trouble sleeping since Even left, and the conversations he would have with Even before bed each night helped him unwind, just enough to fall asleep.

He didn't quite know what was it that was making him have trouble sleeping. It had never been an issue before.

Maybe it was the new house, and how it was taking him a while to get used to its noises and with the silence that would engulf the neighborhood after nightfall. Or how the neighbors would also go extremely quiet after 7 p.m, something completely new to Isak, having been used to a whole floor of flats that would not stop making any noise from dusk ‘til dawn, years on end. Or, it could be that every time he did fall asleep, Isak would almost every night for the last few weeks wake up shortly after having the same recurring nightmare — the one Even knew about, or rather, the one Isak had purposefully been vague enough about, keeping to himself all the details that were the most frightening, like those regarding Even. 

It could also be that he was now unable to fall asleep without Even. Sure, he'd done it before, and Isak was used to being on his own whenever a project took too much from Even. Lately, however, he felt that his absence, more than all those other also quite probable scenarios, was the one reason that he could not only understand, but actually agree with.

He missed him. 

It was a simple enough conclusion, with a simple enough answer: _telling him so_. Trouble was, he couldn't. Isak had always had a problem with two things, both involving saying two different sets of words: _'I miss you'_ and _'I love you'_. He had said them, more often than he could recount, of course. But Isak had always been more adept in demonstrating it — at least that's what he'd tell himself whenever he noticed the fact that it took something from him the idea of actually volunteering those words.

It had nothing to do with what they meant. He missed Even all the time. He also loved him more than he could express. No. The words weren't the issue, _per se_. His feelings weren't the issue, either. It was what they represented, he thought, more often than not. What they took once uttered. How they left him exposed, bare and extremely vulnerable, and how he always felt as though they were double in meaning. To Isak, _'I love you'_ and _'I miss you'_ were lovely words, but they could also be the saddest words in existence.

And they mattered. 

They were the types of words Isak had always equated with the pain scale when one is being admitted into the ER and has to assign a number to their pain. A one or a three is bearable, desirable even; an eight or nine can be too much to handle. However, if you need to explain how you cannot feel, say if you had brain trauma and can't really find the words to describe the general numbness to your lower limbs, a three or a five become the numbers to avoid, while an eight or even a ten can become synonymous to recovery, equating delight when realized.

 _'I love you'_ and _'I miss you'_ had the same dual aspect to them, Isak thought. The same importance. 

\\\

He had just turned all the lights from downstairs off and double checked the locks on each door – not because he was afraid, but rather because Even was the one who always did these things – when he went upstairs. The bed, which had been feeling way too large this past week, was covered in paper and opened books. Isak had his laptop on the middle of the bed, and several piles of paper were scattered around it. He was in the middle of going through a particular pile when his computer started to make noise. 

Even was calling via Skype.

Isak readily adjusted the screen, took his red pen from between his lips and used it to press the key to answer the call.

"Babe?" Even asked, candidly searching the camera for Isak.

"Hey, you" a grinning Isak said, managing to feel elated and concerned at once. 

Even looked tired, the kind of tired that would always worry Isak.

"I was going to text, but I had to see you. I was afraid you'd be asleep already" he said, smiling.

"I'm glad you did. I needed this" he told him, still grinning. "And no, I don't even know what time it is" Isak added, honestly.

"It's so late, what are you doing?"

"I've got thirty-plus essays on infinity to grade. I've graded seven, so I'm in for a long night"

"That sucks. Are they any good?"

"They are, in fact. There's a couple here that are quite interesting"

"That must feel good, though. It means you were able to pass it on"

“Pass it on?”

“All that knowledge that’s in that beautiful head of yours”

Isak smiled.

"How **is** your head, babe?" Even asked, worried.

"Pain free” Isak assured him. “How are you, baby?"

"Good. I decided not to shoot tonight, though. I'm a bit tired"

"You look like you need some sleep"

"Nah. You" he said, matter-of-factly.

"Well, I know I need sleep. But the essays—"

"No, I mean you. I need you"

“Yeah?” Isak smiled.

"I miss you" Even said, so gentle.

There they were. Three little words. A nine, on a scale of tenderness. And with those eyes? Definitely a nine.

"Then come back to me" Isak said, more seriously than he had hoped.

"Are you doing okay over there without me?"

"No" he said. Again, more honestly than intended. "But I'm fine, baby. I just... I don't like that you're there. Not tonight, not particularly"

Even smiled so wide Isak leaned in closer.

"I saw Noora today"

"Really? Where?"

"Yeah, it was the craziest thing. I was walking past that pastry shop we went to when we were here, you know? The one with the crème caramel you kept ordering?”

“Oh, I remember that. I think I had five of those, once”

“Or seven" Even said. "Yeah. That’s the one. I wanted to get you that marmalade you like. Anyway, when I was leaving the shop this woman started screaming from across the street – it was Noora. I forgot to tell her I was here"

"How's she doing?"

"That's just it, I think I might've made things weird"

"How so?"

"We went for coffee and she didn't seem quite like herself. I mean, she's fine, only I thought she seemed a bit... sad"

"William?"

"I think so. She seems lonely, Isak. Eskild is out of town and I don't think she has anyone else here"

"Shit"

"Yeah"

"But, wait. How is any of that weird?"

"Well, I got worried and she clearly didn't want to keep talking about it, but I think I may have pushed it a little"

"You're her friend, Even. That's not weird, or wrong"

"I guess. Should Eva know?"

"She may already. But I can mention it, if you want"

"I was gonna ask. I don't want to meddle, but I got worried"

"No problem, baby. I'll talk to her. Are you two seeing each other again?"

"Yeah, she basically made me commit to going out daily for the remainder of my stay here"

"That's sweet"

"Also"

"Yeah?"

"Sonja's here"

"Where?"

"London. I bumped into her when I was walking Noora back to her car"

"Oh"

"She's working and we didn't talk much – you know Noora doesn't hide the fact she can't stand Sonja"

"I do"

He did. He also shared that sentiment, at least in that moment, which was odd because he actually liked Sonja.

"She wants to meet for dinner"

"Aren't you busy in London" Isak said, immediately regretting it.

The thing is, if there's anyone Isak is conflicted about, that person is, and always has been, Sonja. They have been in and out of touch over the years, with her appearing and disappearing at different points during Isak and Even's relationship, but at the end of the day she still made him feel both guilty and threatened.

"Is it okay?" Even asked him.

"You don't have to ask permission to have dinner, Even" Isak said, making a conscious effort to sound chill.

"I know that"

"So?"

"I'm still asking"

"It's fine"

"Really?"

"Really. Tell her I said _‘Hi’_ "

"Okay. I will"

"How's the shoot?"

"Ugh. It's going well, but I don't know. It's taking longer than I thought it would"

"It always does, but that's usually a good thing. You get your best shots when you take your time"

"This isn't how I thought we'd spend our engagement"

"It isn't. This is how we're spending a few weeks into it. There's more to come"

"Still. It's frustrating not having you at kissing distance"

"Well, I agree with you on that one"

"You're wearing my Godard t-shirt" Even noticed, instantly smiling.

"Yep" Isak said, looking down at it and then back at him.

"I like that. Looks better on you"

"You think?"

"Uh-huh" he nodded, trying to wink.

Isak smiled and, without noticing, yawned.

"Do you want to hang up? It's late over there"

"It's an hour later than London"

"Still. I know you're not sleeping well"

"You do, huh?"

“I'm good at noticing things like that" Even smugly said.

"No, I don't want to hang up. I don't want to have a ten minute conversation" Isak told him.

"How about an hour's worth?"

"Better, but not ideal"

"What would be ideal?"

"You, holding me?"

"God, I miss you" 

Isak smiled. That was a ten, right there.

"Come to London" Even said.

"I have class, baby. And I’m finally giving my lecture"

"Isn't this week the last before the end of the semester?"

"Next week"

"Damn"

"Will you be home next week?"

"The one after that. Friday"

"Shit, Even"

"I know” he said, sounding sad. “I can maybe go back for a day or two this weekend”

“But you’re not sure?”

“I'm sorry, babe"

They both looked disappointed.

"Well, it'll cost you" Isak finally said.

"Yeah? What?"

"How sleepy are you?"

"Not at all, actually. I've been going to bed at five every night this week, so I'm good"

"Would you mind if we talked until I fell asleep tonight?"

"Of course I don't mind, babe"

Isak gathered all of the papers and placed them on the dresser, and as they talked, he climbed under the covers, on Even's side of the bed – which he noticed –, placed the laptop on his pillow, and turned on his side so he'd be able to watch Even as they spoke.

They talked for hours, like they used to when they first started dating. At around four am, Isak dozed off. Even didn't end the call, though. He waited to make sure Isak didn't wake up, and fell asleep watching him.

It was the first night Isak didn't have a nightmare.

\\\

On Wednesday, Jonas and Mahdi convinced him to go to a bar with them and Magnus and get a beer after work. Isak didn't particularly welcome the idea but, he figured if he was going to stay awake anyway he might as well have some fun.

The bar they usually went to was almost at capacity. Luckily, Mahdi had gotten there early enough to get a table.

"How's work?" Mahdi asked Isak as he sat down, having just come from the bar holding four pints of beer.

"It's good. Busy" Isak said, sipping his beer.

"And the lab?" Jonas asked him.

"A mess. Also busy" Isak casually said. "I'm hoping once the semester ends I get to focus a bit more on my research"

"Well, you still have a while before you hand over your dissertation, don't you?" Mahdi asked.

"Not that long. I've got less than a year" he said.

"What will that make you?" Magnus asked.

"Tired?" Isak joked.

"I mean professionally. Will you be a physicist? A philosopher with a physics master? How does that even work?" he asked.

"I think it's a separate thing, Mags. Right?" Jonas said, turning to Isak.

"I'll still be a philosopher and a physicist. But I'll have a masters in both" he explained.

"Then, you'll teach?" Mahdi asked.

"No, I want to do research"

"On string theory?" Jonas said, to which Isak nodded.

"I forget you're smart" Magnus said.

"Thanks, man" Isak told him, winking before drinking.

"No, I mean really smart" 

"I do pretty stupid things for a smart person, so I dunno, maybe there's a curve?"

"See, I don't understand what you just said" Magnus said, making everyone laugh.

"Before I forget, Eva wants you to come over. You still haven't seen the new place" Jonas told him.

"Yeah, come to think if it, this is the first time we've been out since the wedding. What the fuck?" Mahdi said, looking at Isak.

"You usually disappear when you're having sex, but Even's not here so—" Magnus said.

"How is Even, by the way?" Jonas asked him.

"I don't disappear when I'm having sex" Isak tried defending himself, but everyone just looked at him unconvinced, all at the same time. "He's fine. Production is always stressful"

"When does he come back?" Mahdi asked.

"Tomorrow. He leaves again on Saturday though. This time for longer" Isak said, a bit disappointed.

"How much longer?" Jonas asked him.

"Depends on how fast they can shoot, I guess" Isak said. "At least a few weeks" he added.

"Can you imagine how cool it'll be once he starts shooting these big budget movies that take months to shoot?" Magnus said.

"As much as I want that to happen, _'cool'_ isn't exactly the word I'd use"

"How come? You'll get to travel so much, dude"

"In theory, sure. But this is the biggest budget he's ever had, and it's the longest production he's ever done"

"And?"

"And here I am, fucking hating it"

As he took a sip of his beer, his phone vibrated and lit up. They all looked at it as Even's name popped on the screen.

"Speak of the devil" Mahdi said, smiling.

"Should we get some more beers?" Magnus asked them.

Isak quickly put his glass down, held his phone with both hands all ready to type his reply. But he didn't. Instead he looked at the screen for a moment, longer than the usual amount of time it takes someone to read even a longer text.

"You've barely drank half" Jonas said, glancing at Isak and then Mahdi.

"It's too crowded here. I hate it when you have to wait before you refill" Magnus said.

"I kind of agree, though. I hate waiting for beer. Remember last time we went to that bar Chris' ex worked at?" Mahdi commented.

Jonas looked at Isak as he locked his phone and put it back on the table, looking frustrated. He then proceeded to finishing his beer in three large gulps.

"On second thought, maybe we should get more" Jonas said.

Mahdi got up at once and went over to the bar.

"Anything wrong, man?" Jonas asked Isak.

"He can't make it. He thought he could but, turns out they got some location to shoot at and it's only available on Saturday, so..."

"Shit, that sucks, man" Jonas said.

"Yeah, well. I'm never sleeping again" Isak mumbled.

"What?" Magnus asked him.

"Nothing, I'm just thinking out loud"

"You can't sleep unless he's with you?" Magnus asked him, somewhat judgmental.

"It's not that. I haven't been sleeping well, but I think it's just the new place. I'm still getting used to it"

"It's a house, what is there to get used to?" Magnus asked.

Mahdi came back and sat down, handing each of them their drink. Isak immediately took a large sip of his, something Jonas paid close attention to.

"I agree. I haven't been sleeping all that well in our new place either. It takes a while" he said, and Isak didn't know if he meant it or if he was just being kind.

He was probably being kind. Either way, Isak appreciated it.

"What are we talking about?" Mahdi asked.

"Isak can't sleep" Magnus said.

"Why?" Mahdi asked, looking at Isak, who was still drinking and only raised his eyebrows and shrugged.

"Even" Magnus said, earning himself a single eyebrow raise from both Isak and Jonas.

"The new house" Jonas corrected him.

Isak's phone lit up again, only this time he picked it up with just one hand, mid sip.

 **"I'm sorry"** it read.

"Even?" Jonas asked, and Isak simply nodded.

They all went silent.

Isak put his glass down and began typing.

 **"Me too :( "** he wrote.

 **"Don't be mad"** Even instantly wrote back.

**"I'm not mad. I just thought you'd be here tomorrow"**

**"Me too :( "**

Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus continued talking as Isak wrote Even, with Jonas occasionally glancing to check on Isak, who was completely focused.

"Do you guys think it's too soon for me and Vilde to move in together?" Magnus eventually asked them.

"I dunno, Mags. Do you?" Mahdi asked.

"I don't know. She seems okay with the idea" he said.

 **"Are you home?"** Even wrote.

 **"No. I'm out drinking with the guys"** Isak replied.

 **"I want to kiss you"**

**"Then come kiss me"**

**"I hate this"**

**"I'm starting to hate London"** Isak typed.

**"Call me when you get home?"**

**"It'll be too late. I'll wake you"**

**"So wake me"**

**"Okay"**

"Do you, Isak?" Magnus said.

"What?" Isak asked, suddenly realizing he had completely been ignoring them.

"Vilde. She and I are talking about moving in together. Do you think we should?"

"Well" he said, putting his phone back on the table. "You've done it before, it's not like you don't know how it's like"

"Yeah, but is it too soon?"

"Do you think it is?"

"Maybe. I dunno, I just don't want to fuck it up this time"

"How would moving in together fuck it up?" Mahdi asked.

"Would you move in with her or would she move in with you?" Isak asked.

"I think I would, probably"

"You still have a couple of months to stay in the flat, I say _'do it'_ " Isak told him. "That way if it works you can just move your things once the lease is up, and if it doesn't, you can just go back to the apartment" he added.

"You're a genius, Isak" Magnus told him, excited.

Isak's phone lit up again, only this time they were all able to read the message Even had sent him.

**" <3"**

"You guys are too cute" Magnus said, kindly.

Isak tried to smile, but he was still sad.

"Why don't you go to him, since he can't come to you?" Jonas asked him.

"I have class tomorrow, and next week there's a Humanities Congress I'm attending at the University. It's going to last a week" he explained.

"Ask that friend of yours to switch classes with you" Mahdi suggested.

"Christoff?" Isak asked him.

"Yeah. Him"

"Maybe" Isak said.

"I don't like that guy" Jonas volunteered.

"Why not? You've met him like, once" Isak said.

"I dunno. There's something about him I don't trust"

"Is that the guy who's into him?" Magnus asked, oblivious as always.

"What?" Isak asked him, surprised.

"Uh-huh" Jonas nodded in agreement.

"What? He's not into me. He's a colleague"

"That's irrelevant" Magnus said.

"You guys are crazy" Isak said.

"I agree, actually. He totally has a thing for you" Mahdi said. "And he hates Even" he added.

"Oh, it's so obvious he does!" Jonas said.

"He does not. Where is this coming from?"

"He does, dude. It's quite pathetic" Jonas said.

"Christoff?" Isak asked.

"He's always watching you from afar. Like this school girl with a crush. It's so lame" Mahdi said.

"We'll, you're wrong. But I think I could ask him. I've done it before"

"Just be very clear on what you agree to do in return" Jonas said.

"Teach a class, that's how it works. He teaches my class for me and I teach his"

"He's a philosopher too?" Magnus asked.

"No, he's a physicist"

"But you don't teach physics" Mahdi said.

"Only when I cover for him"

"I can get how that works, but then how can he, a physicist, teach your class?" Jonas asked.

"Usually it doesn't work, but this semester I'm focusing on the notion of Infinity"

"See, I work at a bank, Isak" Magnus told him.

They all laughed.

"So?" Isak asked him.

"So I need more than _'oh, it's all good because I'm teaching Infinity'_ " he said. "How does Infinity relate to physics?"

"Well, I'm covering the notion of it, as well as its significance" he said. "The idea of multiverses has everything to do with Infinity, so that's how it works"

"That's also what you do in the lab, right?"

Isak smiled.

"I know it's not the proper wording, but you know what I mean" Magnus said.

"Yeah, that's what I study"

"Multiverses?" Jonas asked.

"Yes" Isak said.

"So, you just try and figure out what other universes are like?" Mahdi asked.

"Well, no. Not really. Ideally I want to prove infinity exists, for one thing"

"It doesn't exist?" Magnus asked.

"It does. I believe it does, anyway. It's just different than proving it as a philosopher"

"Through philosophy you can? Prove it?" Jonas asked.

"Yes, absolutely"

"How can you prove something and not have it be, you know, proven?" Magnus asked, interested.

"Because the way you prove it using philosophy is by a deductive method"

"I feel so stupid" Mahdi said.

"Okay, so what happens when you prove it through physics?" Magnus asked, confused.

"Yeah, what does happen when you prove it?" Jonas asked him.

"Revolution?" he said. "Everything we think we know is suddenly given this new meaning. The implications are fantastical. There'd be this massive widening of knowledge that's just... Unfathomable. Like, whatever we know now doesn't even come close. We can find that we've been going at it all wrong"

"It's like sex" Mahdi commented.

"Sex?" Isak asked.

"If you say you're not enjoying it, it's because you're doing it wrong?" he said. "Isn't it the same, kinda? Like, if you say infinity isn't provable, then you're going at it all wrong?"

"Exactly. Yes"

"I'm enjoying sex" Magnus said, proudly.

"Then you're doing it right" Isak told him.

"I wasn't with Astrid though"

"That's cause you were doing it wrong" Jonas said.

"Nah, I don't think that was it" Magnus told them.

"You were thinking of Vilde. You were doing it wrong" Isak said, to the agreeable nod of Jonas and Mahdi.

"Oh, what? Like you never think of someone else?" Magnus asked Isak.

"I think you're asking the wrong person, Mags" Mahdi said.

Magnus took a second to understand.

"Are you serious?" he finally asked Isak, dumbfounded.

"I didn't say anything" Isak defended himself.

"You've never thought of someone else while having sex with Even?" Magnus pressed.

Mahdi and Jonas looked at him, interested.

"Why do you ask me that as if it were somehow odd?"

"It's not odd—" Jonas said.

"Yes, it is. It's odd as fuck" Magnus stated.

"To not think of someone else while having sex is odd?"

"Yes!!"

"Never?" Jonas quietly asked him.

"Well, no" Isak admitted.

"Not even during role-play?" Mahdi asked.

"That's different" Isak stated.

"How so?" Mahdi asked him.

"It's still him, only—" Isak said.

"Wait a minute. You've been together all these years and you've never thought of someone else during sex?" Magnus asked him, as if making sure.

"No, I haven't"

"And you stand by what you said once, that the sex was actually better now?" Magnus went on.

"Yes, I do"

"How!?"

"I just do, Mags"

"Not even once? Like, briefly?" Mahdi asked, genuinely curious.

"Not once. Why?"

"It doesn't add up, that's why" Magnus said, resentful.

"It doesn't have to add up, Mags. It just has to be better than before and what can I say? It fucking is"

"A little better or literal better?" Mahdi asked.

"Grade it" Magnus demanded.

Isak, Jonas and Mahdi laughed.

"I'm not grading sex. What are we? Fifteen?"

"I'm sorry, but you have to grade it. I need to understand this"

"It's not the Bermuda Triangle, Mags, there's no mystery to it"

"Come on, Isak. Either that or tell us why it's so much better than before" Mahdi said.

"I wouldn't know how to grade it, anyway" Isak said, not particularly thrilled with the prospect of going on about how Even made him breathless just by standing too close or how good he felt inside him.

"You're a teacher!" Jonas couldn't help but point out, laughing.

They all soon followed.

"Well, it's not the same, is it?" Isak told Jonas, laughing.

"On a scale of one to ten, how good was it and how good is it now?" Magnus said.

"You don't have to say ten, though. Like, pretend it's just not possible to give the highest mark" Mahdi told him.

"Why?" Magnus asked Mahdi, confused.

"What's the criteria?" Isak asked them.

"See? It's too simple for him" Jonas said to Magnus.

"Did you just insult me?"

"I did not" he laughed. "If anything, I was trying to help" Jonas defended himself.

Isak merely squinted, trying not to laugh.

"How good was it, overall? How good is it now?" Magnus explained.

"Yes, but what am I grading?" he asked, immediately turning to Jonas. "Don't say anything" he told him.

"Sex, dude" Mahdi said, enjoying the interaction.

"Yes, I know that. But what, specifically? What kind of sex? Does kissing quality count?"

"Do you kiss during sex?" Jonas asked him.

"Of course we kiss during sex" Isak said, insulted.

"Then it counts" he said, still laughing.

"The overall experience, Isak" Magnus told him. "How good was it before?"

"Before when? I need a time-frame, at least"

"Oh, Jesus" Jonas said, making Isak laugh even harder.

"Before and after the accident. How's that? Does that sound reasonable?" Mahdi suggested.

"Yeah, that works" Isak agreed.

"Okay then" Mahdi said. "How would you grade it before?"

Isak thought about it for a second.

"Remember, no tens" Jonas said, earning himself a single _'fuck off'_ look.

"Eight"

"Eight?! How did you base that?" Magnus asked him, clearly doubtful.

"I fucking based it on what you told me to base it on: the overall experience. If I can't say ten, then nine is the highest mark so... an eight" Isak said. "This is why agreeing on the criteria beforehand is so important" he amended.

"Ten is still the highest grade! If you think nine is the highest, then technically you gave him a nine by saying eight" Jonas said, laughing.

"What the fuck are you saying?" Magnus asked.

"I don't know!" Jonas said.

"I can say ten?"

"Oh, Jesus" Magnus said.

Jonas almost spit his beer.

"Dude, what's the grade?" Mahdi said, trying to stop laughing.

"Eight"

"Are you sure?" Jonas asked, almost crying.

"Yes!" Isak said, also almost crying.

"An eight? The accident was like, a year and a half ago, so for over five years it was an eight?"

"Yes. An eight" he said, sipping his beer.

"And now?" Magnus asked.

"Here we go again..." Jonas said.

Isak spit his beer this time.

"Fuck off, Jonas" Magnus said, laughing.

Isak took another moment to think about it.

"9.5?"

"Bullshit!" Magnus said, so loudly everyone who was sitting close to their table turned to look.

"What?! You asked"

"9.5 is a 10" Magnus said. "No one's a ten" he added.

"A ten is a ten. 9.5 is a 9.5—" Isak started speaking.

They all kept laughing, still drawing the attention of the tables near them.

"What changed in a year?" Magnus asked.

"Oh, I dunno... I almost died?"

"Death? Really? You're saying death's the reason why your sex life is so great?" Jonas asked.

"My sex life could be better, actually. The sex itself however is pretty fucking awesome"

"I'm feeling so inadequate" Jonas said.

"How? What changed?" Magnus asked, really unconvinced.

"Why are you so interested?"

"Because I've never heard of a nine before. Hell, I've barely heard of any eights"

"Woah, wait a minute. I have an eight. I have an 8,5, actually" Jonas said.

"Really dude, forget the numbers. Just say why it got better" Mahdi said.

"After the accident— Well, maybe before as well, on some level—"

"Yes?" Magnus asked.

"I think we had some issues we weren't really paying close attention to, not properly at least. After a few months we just had this huge fight and everything sorta came out"

"Okay" Mahdi said.

"That night we had amazing sex. And you know how it is, make up sex is always different" he told them, receiving nods of agreement from around the table. "Except, the next morning—"

"Jesus" Magnus said.

"What?"

"Nothing, go ahead" Mahdi told him.

"The next morning it was still pretty great. Better. And that night, too and—"

"Because of the fight?" Jonas asked.

"Not really the fight, no. We just talked, like we've always done. There were just things that the accident left hidden, somehow. And when we let it all out it just made us... better"

"Almost a ten better?" Magnus asked.

"Nah man, I can't grade Even. I just said some numbers, they don't mean anything. He's not a two or a five or a seven or a nine" Isak told him, seriously. "Not even a ten"

"Well, what is he?" Magnus asked.

"He's... more" Isak told him, honestly. "He's all of it"

No one said anything.

"That's why I think we're better now. Because the more time we're together, the more we want to be together. The alternative is just—"

"Yeah?"

"Too sad to consider" he admitted. "To me, at least".

Again, everyone went quiet.

"Well, I'm just gonna say it, even though I know you'll get mad" Magnus said.

They all looked at him, curiously – including Isak.

"You know Even is the guy, don't you? I mean, I know you do, but he really is. He's the guy"

Isak smiled.

"He's also the guy you marry" Magnus continued.

"Magnus" Jonas said, quietly scolding him.

"He is though, we all know it" he said, looking at Jonas and then Mahdi.

Both of which agreed.

Isak simply watched him speak, unfazed.

"Honestly dude, I just think if you don't marry him, one of us will" Magnus said, jokingly, yet serious.

They all smiled.

"I'd marry him" Mahdi said, winking at Isak.

"Me too" Jonas said. "I actually said that to him once"

"Oh, yeah? What did he have to say?" Isak asked.

"He said you'd be jealous"

"Damn right" Isak said.

They all seemed hesitant, Isak noticed. It was like they were expecting him to get angry or change the subject.

As much as Isak wanted to play along, he thought it cruel, somehow. Even and him were still not telling anyone, but Isak himself was surprised by how much he suddenly wanted them to know.

So he decided to be honest, as much as he could.

"Even's never been the problem, Mags. I know he's it" he casually stated, and the three of them looked genuinely surprised.

"You do?" Jonas asked him, unsure. “Not just the one, but like—“

“The one you marry” Mahdi finished his sentence.

All the while Magnus had suddenly gone quiet and was now thoughtfully watching Isak.

"I do. I've always known" Isak assured them.

"Then—" but as Mahdi started speaking, Magnus interrupted him.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Isak" Magnus jumped in, sounding serious.

They all looked at him and then Mahdi and Jonas turned to face Isak.

"You think there's something wrong with you?" Mahdi asked, also serious.

Jonas watched, quietly.

"I think Mags is right. Even's the guy you marry" Isak told them. "I'm just not sure I am" he admitted.

"I don't agree with that" Jonas finally said.

"Me, neither" agreed Mahdi.

"Fuck what we think though, I know Even doesn't feel this way" Magnus said.

"Oh, you do, huh?" Isak dared him.

"I think we need more drinks" Mahdi said, standing up. "Mags?"

Magnus stood up and followed Mahdi towards the bar.

Isak and Jonas were left at the table, and for a moment they both remained quiet. It was long enough for Isak to notice their surroundings, something he usually did once he arrived somewhere, but that for some reason, that night he had failed to do.

"He's right, you know" Jonas eventually said.

"Who?"

"Magnus" he said. "Which are words I can’t believe I’m saying"

Isak smiled.

"There really is nothing wrong with you" he told him.

"You know—" Isak started saying, looking down at his empty glass and removing it from the top of its coaster. "When he proposed? That time?"

"Uh-huh" Jonas nodded.

"You're the only one who knows" he said, without looking up.

"That he proposed?"

"No, that I meant it" Isak explained. "Saying _yes _;" he told him, spinning his coaster on top of the table.__

____

____

Jonas didn't say anything, instead he did as Even would: he gave Isak time to finish. 

"And how I got? Later" he finally said. 

"He was manic, dude" 

"I know" Isak quickly replied. "I remember" he then added, smiling awkwardly. 

"It… still hurt" Jonas stated, leaning forward and crossing both arms on the table. 

It was as if he was finally able to understand. 

"What if he— You know" Isak started saying, but stopped. 

"What?" 

"What if it wasn't because he was manic, though? What if he never brought it up again because he just... Thought it through?" 

"No way" 

"Well—" 

"Why not ask him?" 

"I don't think I can" 

"The big A?" 

"What? Ass?" 

"Afraid" Jonas said, laughing. 

"Oh" he laughed. "Yeah, I'm terrified" he added, turning solemn as he spoke. 

"I'm pretty sure the reason he never said anything again has nothing to do with him changing his mind" Jonas told him. 

"You are, huh?" 

"Isak, this is Even we're talking about" 

"I know that" 

"Then you know he probably had a reason for not bringing it up again, and it probably had something to do with him wanting to protect you or—" 

"Or maybe he didn’t want to hurt me or—“ 

“Or what?” 

“Or my dad has a point" he said, and Jonas turned serious. 

"You know dude, this is the last time you get to say that and I get to remain chill" Jonas said. "Next time I'll really lose my shit" 

"Come on, Jonas—" 

"I'm not kidding. You don't get to talk about yourself like that" 

Isak didn't argue. 

"The only person who thinks your dad was right is you, dude" Jonas told him. "We don't and you know Even doesn't either" 

"I don't think he was right" 

"Of course you do. I mean, I get it, what he said was fucked up but—" 

"But what, Jonas?" 

"How can you think he's right in saying you can't love when that's all you do?" 

\\\

As he climbed the steps of the classroom in order to reach Sana, Isak couldn’t help but notice she seemed different. He couldn’t analyze it properly, for the time it took him to climb the twenty one steps of the amphitheater-like classroom was not nearly enough for a proper analysis, but he knew she wasn’t there to see his class, and for a moment he felt bad, even though he still had no real reason to feel anything. 

“You really are getting better at this, you know” Sana volunteered, smiling kindly at Isak as he stood in front of her. 

She was leaning on the doorway, and as she spoke she turned her gaze over to the farthest corner of the room, something Isak noticed. 

“I’m glad you liked it” he replied, smiling smugly before amending. “Did we make any plans I forgot?” Isak asked, rather bluntly. 

He was feeling so sleep deprived he felt there was no real need for any niceties – not with Sana, anyway. She was the one person with whom Isak never had to really concern himself about being too nice or saying the right thing all the time. Around her he could always be his truest self, unedited, not having to worry about her taking it the wrong way. 

Well, aside from Even, that is. 

“No. I was just in the neighborhood and thought we could maybe get some coffee or something” she said, casually, and without making eye contact. 

“Sure. I have another class in half an hour, though” 

“How long do you take to drink coffee these days?” she quipped. 

“No, I just meant—“ he said, before being interrupted. 

“What does that mean?” she said, staring down at the board. 

Isak turned back to see what she was talking about, and saw that she meant the word he had left written on the board, _‘Cogito’._

“You know that famous Descartes line, _‘I think therefore I am'_?” he asked her. 

“Yeah” 

“Well, he never said that, not really. It was similar, but not exactly—“ he said, and he noticed he was rambling. “The line is _‘cogito ergo sum’_ , which is basically that, _'I think therefore I am'_ ” 

“I thought you were teaching infinity” 

“I am. Thought is infinite” 

“It is?” 

“Uh-huh” he nodded. 

“Maybe I will watch one whole class of yours sometime” she said. 

Isak smiled as she turned around to leave the classroom. They walked along the corridor in silence, not exchanging one word until they finally reached the cafeteria. As Isak ordered, Sana cased the room carefully, and as she took the cappuccino from his hand, she simply walked off, making it so Isak had to follow her outside.

“I hate cafeterias” she said. 

“Oh?” 

“It’s much nicer out here” 

“’Nicer’?” he repeated, taken aback. “What’s wrong with you?” 

“Wrong? Nothing. Why would there be anything wrong?” 

“I dunno. You complimented my teaching, you’re talking about the weather—“ 

“I’m just talking, Isak” 

“I know, but you seem weird" 

“Weird?” 

“Never mind” 

“Okay” 

“There! See? What the fuck?” 

She laughed. 

“Honestly, Isak. Lighten up. You’re the one who’s acting weird. You’re so on edge” 

He would’ve argued she was trying to divert the topic, but not only was she right, he was also just too tired. 

“Why is that, by the way?” 

“I haven’t been sleeping well, that’s all” 

“Why not?” 

“I don’t know. I’m still getting used to the house?” 

“Even being away has nothing to do with it then?” she asked, smiling again, by now freaking Isak out. 

“It might” 

“I thought so” she said. “Wasn’t he coming home this week?” 

“He was— He had to stay” 

She looked at him but said nothing. 

“How’s Isak?” 

“Perfect” she said, smiling. 

“And Yousef?” 

“Not as perfect” 

“Oh?” 

She stopped walking almost as soon as she’d replied. 

“Isak?” 

“Yeah?” 

“When was the last time you and Even fought?” 

“Um— Fought?” 

“Yeah. It’s a simple question” 

“Well. I guess it was a few months ago? When he was being all distant and later I found out it was because of the film and the house” 

“Shit” 

“What?” 

“That was your last fight? When your boyfriend made you a movie and bought you a house?” 

“I didn’t know about those things when we fought, though” he explained. “We’ve had arguments since then, but an actual fight? I think that was the last one” 

“Still” 

“Why do you ask?” 

“And before that?” 

“Uh— A few weeks before, I think. He said something stupid and I didn’t speak for him for like a whole day” 

“Jesus” 

“Okay, what? Why are you asking me this?" 

“You want to know the last time I fought with Yousef? This morning” 

“What about?” 

“Milk. He forgot to buy milk” 

“Oh” 

“And before that? Last night” 

“Why?” 

"The bedroom was too cold” 

"I see” 

“No, you don’t” 

“Then tell me” 

“In the last six months you had, what? Two fights with Even? I had dozens. More than that, probably. I can remember countless stupid fights we’ve had this week alone, and you can’t even sleep without Even. Do you see a pattern here?” 

“No two couples are alike, Sana” 

“I know that. And I know we’ve always fought, that’s not even it. I just— You can barely remember the day you two fought. I can barely remember a day in which Yousef and I didn’t” 

“You seemed so happy at the wedding, though” 

“The wedding, that’s one. Aside from that, I can’t remember not fighting. And the wedding doesn’t count” 

“Why doesn’t it count?” 

“It’s not a real day. It’s no constant. It’s like a holiday, everyone gets along on holidays” 

“What kind of logic is that?” 

“Are you really going to fight me on this one?” 

“No, I’m not. Go on” 

“I’m tired, Isak. I’m so tired of fighting” 

“Sana—“ 

“I just— Never mind" 

“No, what is it?” 

“I don’t want Isak to grow up like— Like—“ 

“Like me?” 

“Like you **did** ” she made it a point to emphasize the last part. “I’d love for him to grow up to be like you” 

“I don’t think it’s the same, though. You and Yousef” 

“Would you do it?” 

“What?” 

“If it were you and Even. Would you keep working on it?” 

“Sana, you can’t—" 

“Just tell me, Isak” 

“If it were me and him then yes, I’d keep working on it” 

“Until?” 

“Until we made it? Or until I couldn’t do it anymore” 

“Of course you would” 

“You asked” 

“What if you were me?” 

“What?” 

“What if you were me, and Even, Yousef. What then?” 

“Would I keep working on it?” 

“Yes” 

“Well. Providing you still love him—“ 

“I do” 

“Then, yes. I would” 

“You’re no help” 

“Only—“ 

“Yes?” 

“If I were you… I’d probably have decided already” 

“How so?” 

“I would follow my gut. You have the best instincts of anyone I know, Sana” 

“Fuck” 

“What does your gut say?” 

“Nothing good” 

“No?” 

She shook her head, and they both fell silent. 

“Sana? What does it say?” 

“That I’m— That we’re going to be together… Only, it won’t be easy” 

“It never is” 

She didn’t say anything, simply started to walk again. 

They sat down on a bench, side by side. Neither one of them looked at the other. 

“Tell me something” 

“What?” 

“Anything. Are you really not sleeping because of Even?” 

“Yeah” 

“That’s sweet” 

“That and—“ 

“Yes?” 

“He was calling me every night, because he knows I’m not sleeping well—“ 

“Of course he was” she said, smiling. 

“Only last night he didn’t. I thought he forgot, so I called him. He was out having dinner. I didn’t think anything of it, but later he called me back and… he had dinner with Sonja” 

“What?” 

“Yep” 

“In London?” 

“Yeah” 

“What the fuck?” 

“Precisely” 

“Why?" 

“You know, catching up and shit” 

“See, that would warrant a fight” 

“Nah, I didn’t pick a fight. I just—“ 

“Yes?” 

“I got upset. Not because of him having dinner with her—“ 

“No?” 

“No” 

“Why, then?” 

“I wanted to be the one having dinner with him” 

\\\ 

Isak was walking up the stairs when his phone started vibrating. He removed it from his pocket and, as soon as he saw Even's photo, he answered. 

"Hey, you" he said, instantly smiling. 

"Hi beautiful" Even said, happily. "Are you home yet?" 

"Uh-huh” he said. “I just had dinner, actually. I was just heading up to change" he continued, almost at the top of the stairs. 

"Cool. I just got back from dinner, too" Even said. “Mike and I went out after work” 

Isak walked in the bedroom, turning on the lights. 

"Can you Skype me?" 

"Sure. Now?" Even asked. 

"Yep" Isak said, walking over to the bed and opening his laptop. “How’s Mike?” he asked. 

“Good. Brit’s flying in tomorrow, he’s all excited” 

Within a few moments, the app started to ring. Isak accepted the call and threw down his phone on the bed, picking up his laptop soon after. 

"There you are" he said, smiling. 

"What are you up to, Valtersen?" Even asked, also smiling. 

Isak turned around to place the laptop on their dresser. 

"I need to change, and I can't do that juggling he phone" he explained, opening one of the drawers and taking a pair of grey sweatpants and a white, Twin Peaks t-shirt. "Besides, this way I don't have to tell you what I'm doing, you can just watch me" 

"I do love watching you" Even said. 

Isak smiled, then started to undress. 

"What did you have for dinner?" Even asked him. 

"Oh, I know this guy, see" he said, unbuttoning his shirt and taking it off. "He makes the best tortellini I've ever had" he added, continuing to undress. 

"Oh yeah?" Even said, and Isak smiled as he noticed he wasn't looking at his face. 

"Uh-huh" he nodded. "He's pretty awesome. He knows I can't cook so he just makes a ton of food and freezes it, every time he goes away" 

"So you won't starve?" 

"Pretty much" 

"Sounds like a nice guy" 

"He's perfect" Isak said, as he took off his pants and turned to pick up the sweats. 

"Perfect" Even said, possibly not meaning the same thing as Isak. 

"There" Isak said, after putting on his t-shirt and picking up the laptop so he could go sit on the bed. 

"Was it good?" 

"The tortellini? Also perfect, yes" he said, smiling. "Thanks, baby" 

"You're most welcome" 

"What about what you ate?" 

"It was good. We went to this Ethiopian place” 

“Cool, and did you remember—“ 

“Yes, I had them with me” 

“What?” 

“My meds...” 

There he went, reading Isak’s mind again. 

"How's the shoot coming along?" 

"Today was a good day, actually. I'm pretty happy with how things are going" 

"That's so great, baby" 

“Eskild’s back from Paris, by the way. He joined Noora and I for lunch today” 

“How are they?” 

“Fine” he said. “Well, he’s fine. She’s better” he corrected. 

“A couple more lunches with you and she’ll be okay” 

Even smiled. 

"Babe?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Do you think that, when I come back, we could maybe start talking about it?" 

"About what?" 

"The wedding?" 

"You mean, set a date?" 

"Uh-huh" he nodded. "I know you don't want to rush it—" 

"Even—" 

"It's fine if you don't want to, only—" 

"I don't mind" 

"You don't?" 

"I'd marry you tomorrow, Even" 

"What?" 

Isak simply smiled. Even looked so surprised. 

"You would?" 

"Absolutely. I'd do it tonight" 

"You can't say stuff like that when I can't touch you" he said. "It's mean" 

"It's true, though" 

"You're really okay with talking about it" 

"Uh-huh" Isak nodded. 

"Because I was thinking we could maybe do it after the movie wraps" he said. 

"When does it wrap?" 

"End of November, early December" 

"So, before Christmas?" Isak said. 

He couldn't help but smile. 

"Yeah. What do you think?" 

"I think I like it" Isak said, instantly making Even grin. "When in December?" 

"The 21st?" 

"Perfect" 

"That means we'll have to start telling people" Even pointed out. 

"Good, 'cause I'm starting to have trouble keeping this information to myself" 

"Yeah?" 

"I almost told Jonas" he said. "And I keep telling random strangers—" 

"Most of London knows you said yes to me" 

They smiled. 

“I love it when you say that” 

“Say what?” 

“That I said yes to you” 

“Yeah?” 

“You say it like it’s this awesome thing, like you’re proud” 

“It is an awesome thing and I am proud” 

“You are?” 

"Are you kidding me? That’s actually how I tell people. I don’t say we’re getting married, I tell them you said yes to me” he explained, and when he repeated it he sounded even prouder. 

“You do?” Isak asked, unable to hide his grin. 

“Absolutely. It’s how I’m telling our friends, by the way. You better get used to it” he said, smiling. 

“I can do that” Isak said, still grinning. 

Thing is, there’s this thing Even can do Isak probably never told him. Certain words, phrases or actions can have such an effect on Isak that, sometimes he needs to consciously make an effort to not get too excited. It happens more often than Isak would ever care to admit it. Not out of pride or anything, but because he sometimes doesn’t even realize it himself. Even can say or do something and it’s so tender, so incredibly gentle that Isak gets too excited to contain himself, and usually ends up talking rather fast or just jumps him, for the need to hug him becomes almost unbearable. 

"So, December?" Isak asked, once he had stopped feeling as though he floated. 

“The 21st. It's a Friday" Even said. 

\\\ 

Whenever Isak would get too caught up in his work, Even would usually be the one who reminded him. He would call or sometimes show up to offer Isak a ride, and in both instances Isak would always feel somewhat comforted, taken care of. It felt good having someone who waited for you; someone who would notice when you were gone, he would usually think. 

Since Even had been in London, however, Isak was spending most of his nights working late in his office at the University. There was nothing he did there he couldn't do at home, of course. It was only that Isak didn't necessarily feel like he needed to be home, seeing as there was no Even waiting for him. 

In his office, he would have little choice other than concentrating at the task at hand, which was, in this case, grading his students; at home however, as much as Isak could get his work done, he would always take breaks. Short ones at first, but gradually they would widen and stretch, and eventually became these long pauses that Isak would take with the sole purpose of either unboxing things or walk around the house and noticing how big and empty it felt with Even gone. 

So, the office, Isak thought. The office was probably better. Emotionally safer, at least. 

\\\ 

As Isak was lost in thought, reading one of his students' theory on Infinity, there was a knock on the door. 

"Busy?" asked Christoff, walking in and closing the door behind him. 

"Hey, Christoff" Isak said, showing him the chair that was in front if Isak's desk. 

"I'm glad you're still here. I wanted to ask you a favor" 

"Go ahead" 

"Could you maybe teach my class tomorrow?" 

"What time's your class?" 

"Two pm?" 

"That's cool. Mine ends at one, so sure. I can do it" 

"Really? Thanks, Isak" he said. 

"What should I focus on?" 

"I was going to start talking about inflation, so you can just do that. Nothing too advanced, though" 

"Right. Got it" 

"Give 'em a pop quiz if you'd like" 

"I'll think about it" Isak said, smiling. 

"Thanks, man. I owe you one" he said, standing up to leave. 

"I actually thought I owed you, so we're even" 

"Nah. Last week you covered for me again" 

"So did you" 

They both fell silent, each trying to recall who covered for whom last. 

"Whatever. Let's start over then. You teach my class tomorrow and I'll owe you one" 

"Deal" Isak said. 

Christoff walked over to the door, opened it and turned around. 

"Would you... Would you be up for a drink sometime?" he asked. 

"As in happy-hour?" 

"Sure. Or just a drink" 

"Um—" 

Isak had no time to react. A student of his showed up at the door, standing awkwardly behind Christoff and trying to look over his shoulder. 

"Professor?" the student called out, making Christoff notice him and letting him through. 

"What's up, Oliver?" 

As the three looked at each other, Isak's phone lit up and vibrated on his desk. It was Even, and it wasn't until now that Isak noticed how late it was. 

"Just a second, guys" Isak said, picking his phone up and taking the call. 

Oliver and Christoff exchanged looks, nodding at one another as if saying _'Hello'_. 

"Hey, you" he said. 

"Hey babe. Busy?" Even asked, sounding happy. 

"Um, no." Isak said. "Can you hang on a second?" 

"Sure" 

Isak looked at Oliver. 

"Um, I just wanted to ask you if I could maybe hand in my paper tomorrow? It's finished, I can send it to you now, only I'm not really happy with the introduction, so I was hoping I could take tonight to rewrite it" he nervously explained, moving slightly from side to side. 

"Sure. Just don't send it to me too late, otherwise I won't have time to grade it" Isak said. 

"Sweet, no problem. Thanks, professor" Oliver happily said, turning around and leaving. 

"So, inflation?" Isak asked a lingering Christoff. Not because he'd forgotten, but because he felt as though their chat was, aside from needless, over. 

"Yeah, yeah. Just the basics" 

"Got it" 

"I'll send you my notes tomorrow and um, we'll talk about that drink" 

"Sure" Isak said, barely listening. 

Christoff turned around and left, closing the door behind him. 

"Sorry" Isak said, returning to the call. 

"You're still at work?" Even said. 

"I completely lost track of time" Isak said. "Eva's giving me a ride and I guess I just didn't bother to keep track of how late it was" 

"So that's who you were talking to?" Even asked, casually. 

"No. I was talking to a student and then Christoff" 

"I just assumed, 'cause I heard something about drinks..." 

"Happy-hour” Isak corrected him. “It's just talk" Isak said. 

"I see" 

"Did you just get in?" 

"Yeah, I had just ordered dinner when I called you" Even said. "Are you two going out?" he asked. 

"Nah. She's driving me home and we're ordering something" Isak said. 

As he spoke, there was a knock on the door. This time it was Eva, who, upon noticing Isak was on the phone, simply smiled, quietly sitting down and starting to type on her phone. 

"How about you, what are you having?" Isak asked him. 

"Curry" 

"Oh, that sounds nice" 

"I have a scene I need to figure out how to shoot by tomorrow, and I've no idea how I want to do it. I'm hoping the curry will help" 

"It's always best to work on a full stomach" 

"My thoughts exactly. I'm just afraid I'll get inspired and shoot this Bollywood-style scene. Maybe I should've ordered something more conducent with the theme" 

Isak laughed. 

"Like onion soup and crepe suzette?" he suggested. 

"Croissants and macaroons" Even said. 

"Does this mean we're not sleeping together tonight?" Isak asked, biting his lip and getting Eva to immediately look up, widening her eyes. 

Isak didn't pay attention though. He kept looking at a folder with the pictures from Eva and Jonas' wedding in his laptop. Going through each photo, quickly, until stopping at one of him and Even dancing. 

"Of course we are. I'm in for a long night and..." 

"Yes?" 

"I don't feel like sleeping alone tonight" 

"So, you'll wait?" 

"I'll wait" 

"I'll call you after dinner then" Isak said. 

"Okay, babe" 

"Okay" Isak said, smiling and biting his lip. 

"Bye, beautiful" 

Isak waited for Even to end the call. 

"Sorry about that" he said to Eva, who by now had moved from shocked to angry. 

"You're cheating? Are you kidding me?!" she asked him, fuming. 

"What? Are you high?" Isak said, having zero clue as to what she was referring to. 

"Who are you sleeping with tonight? What the hell, Isak?" 

"Oh, that!" he said, breaking into a smile. "That was Even" 

"Even is in London, Isak" 

"Yes, I know that" 

"How can you sleep with him tonight if he's in another country? I can't believe this" she said, looking as though she might hit him. 

"We've just been doing this thing where we Skype just before bed and talk until one of us falls asleep" 

"What?" she asked, still angry but now also puzzled. 

"That's why I asked if we were sleeping together tonight. Because… well, because we have been" he explained. 

She looked so relieved. 

"Oh" she said, realizing she may have overreacted. "Aw" she then added, suddenly back to looking like herself. 

"You thought I was cheating? he asked, finding the whole thing preposterous. 

"I dunno. You looked so happy and I assumed it was Even, but when I heard you making plans for later tonight, I got confused" 

He laughed, gathering his papers from his desk and shutting down his computer. 

"Is Even okay?" 

"Yeah, he's fine" 

"I was talking to Noora and she said he's been acting weird" 

"Weird how?" he asked. 

"She said he's been worried". 

"He hasn't mentioned any troubles with production though. Nothing out of the ordinary, at least" 

"Maybe she's mistaken. She's been a bit weird herself lately" 

"He's been worried about her, maybe that's what she's picking up?" 

"Why has he been worrying about her?" 

"He said she's been kinda sad. He doesn't know what to do to cheer her up, so he's probably been trying too hard" he said, instantly painting a mental picture in his head and finding it adorable. 

"Sad?" 

"He said she's trying not to show it, but he's afraid she's been a bit lonely lately. With William and Eskild away" he said. "I told him I'd ask you, see if you had any idea as to what to do" 

"Bash his head in and make him treat her better?" 

Isak raised both eyebrows and nodded in agreement. 

"I think there's something going on though. Something she's not saying" he said. 

"Like what?" 

"I dunno. I just have this feeling, ever since the wedding" 

"Well, we've all had that feeling since they married" 

"What? No. I mean your wedding" 

"Oh" 

“And that was a bit—“ 

“I just hate it when he pulls this shit” she said. 

“I know…” 

“What feeling, though?” 

"I dunno. I dunno why, either. I could be wrong" he said, standing up and putting his laptop in his bag. 

"Shall we?" 

"Please. I'm starving and you've got a date tonight" she said, smiling, also standing up. 

\\\ 

"How does that work, exactly?" Eva asked him, mid-bite. 

They sat opposite each other in the kitchen counter, having gone through half the pizza they'd bought on their way home. 

"How does what work?" 

"These long distance date nights you two have" 

"Oh" he said, wiping his mouth before taking a sip from his beer. "It's not really a date night. We just usually text or talk on the phone and at some point we end up moving on to Skype" 

"Why not FaceTime?" 

"We get tired from holding the phone up" 

"Of course" she said, smiling. “Because it takes too long, right? No because your hands are otherwise… occupied?” she asked. 

“Both instances take too long” he proudly said, making her smile. 

She stared at him for a moment. 

"What?" Isak asked. 

"Nothing, I just find it interesting that when he's away you guys use three different types of communication all at once, instead of sticking to just one" 

Isak took another sip from his beer, not really sure if she was complimenting them or criticizing. 

"Things are good, then?" she asked. 

"Uh-huh" he nodded, before picking up another slice. 

"You and Jonas?" 

She smiled almost instantly. 

"Also good" 

"Are you having trouble getting used to the new house?" he asked, curious. 

"Um. No, not really" 

"Oh" he said. "That's good" 

"Are you?" 

"I mean, I wasn't. Not until—" 

"Until what?" 

"Not until he left" 

"Oh" 

"What?" 

"Why do you think that is?" 

"I dunno. It just feels so... Big. So quiet. And everything I do makes an echo. I can be opening a box to unpack some shit and it sounds as though I'm ripping out a wall" 

She laughed. 

"The only place that doesn't have an echo is our bedroom. That and the study, but I've been avoiding going in because that's where most of the boxes are" 

"I can help you unpack" 

"Thanks, but I got it. Besides, I need something to keep busy" 

"Why don't we go out one day and buy some furniture? There's this little fair that has some pretty great things. It's where I bought that trunk I showed you" 

"Why did you buy a trunk, by the way?" 

"I love trunks" she said, and he gave her a look of sheer ignorance. "And by your reaction I'm thinking you could use some company when buying furniture" 

"Well, when you put it so nicely..." 

She smiled. 

"I don't need a trunk, though" 

"No, what you need is currently in London. The trunk is just something to get your mind off things" 

"Alright. We can get a trunk" 

\\\ 

"That guy who was leaving your office earlier. Who's he?" 

"Christoff? He's a colleague" 

"Oh, that's Christoff?" 

"Why are you saying as though you knew him?" 

"I know of him. I heard the guys mention his name a few days ago, when Mahdi and Magnus went to pick up Jonas for your bar thing" 

"Why would that name come up?" 

"Jonas seems to really have a problem with the guy" 

"Jonas is nuts. He thinks Christoff has a thing for me" 

"Does he?" 

"Of course not. Jonas just doesn't like the guy" 

"Neither does Magnus. Or Mahdi, in fact" 

"Magnus thinks everyone is into everyone; Mahdi... Well I can't think of a way to criticize him just now but I will think of something and get back to you" 

"They said Even agrees" she told him, making him replay their phone call almost instantly. 

"With what?" he asked, rather annoyed. "Honestly, that's just ludicrous. The guy has always been a prick, the only reason he's been kind lately is because he got me denied tenure and he feels bad because he was the one they chose" 

"Magnus said—" 

"Well, if Magnus said" Isak angrily repeated. "Magnus is insane, dude. He thinks my students only take my class because they think I'm hot" 

"Now that's actually true, in a way. I mean—" 

"You too?!" he asked, appalled. 

"Not just because you're hot—" 

"I can't believe this" he said. "And you're telling me Even also thinks Christoff has a thing for me?" 

"I don't know. I'm just repeating what I heard the guys say" 

"Which was?" 

"Even hates Christoff because he's after Isak?" 

"No one's after me. Geez" 

"I'm not saying you encourage him, Isak. I'm just saying it's possible. Remember that classmate of yours? The one Even hated with a passion and you thought he was just being silly?" 

"Gijs?" 

"Yeah" 

"I think Gijs was actually more into Even than he was me" 

"No, he was into you. You couldn't see it, because you usually can't, but he was" 

"So what? What does that have to do with this?" 

"I'm just saying Even is usually right about these things. And you usually don't pick up on it" 

"I don't like how often people think my looks determine things in my life" 

"Oh shut up, spend one day as a woman and you'll never say that again" 

"No, I mean— Okay, sorry. I misspoke. But I think the man just feels guilty about the whole tenure thing" 

"People have crushes, it's not a bad thing" 

"I don't want it, though" 

"It doesn't stop them from being interested" 

"Well I don't like it. I mean, crushes are fine, I suppose. But if you're right about Christoff, then he just asked me out for drinks with something other than friendship in mind and who the fuck does that? He knows I'm with Even" 

"So? People don't all care about you being in a relationship. People break up, and as lame as that argument is, it still doesn't change the fact that some people don't give a shit if you have someone or not" 

"You're saying that if we were married it'd be different?" 

"I got asked out yesterday and I've been married less than a month, so no" 

"That's so shitty" 

"It is" 

"Good thing Even's not especially jealous" 

"Ha!" 

"What?" 

"Come on, Isak" 

"You think he is?" 

"It's so cute that he tries not to be, but he gets jealous all the time" 

"How can I not see these things? Honestly, it's gotta be some deficit from the accident or something" 

"You don't see if because you're always looking at him" 

\\\ 

The following night, Isak woke up almost unable to breathe. 

This time, however, the dream was a bit different. And he couldn’t quite remember most of it, which only made it worse. 

It was unbelievably real, it felt more like a memory – one of their memories, and it only served to make Isak shake, borderline terrified. 

He turned on his light and reached for his cell which was under Even’s pillow. He unlocked it and as he typed, he noticed the time. It was twenty past three am, and as soon as he saw that, he stopped. 

He took a single, deep breath and switched the screens before he could start typing again. 

**“Are you awake?”** he wrote. 

He quickly put the phone away so he could kick the covers. He felt so warm. 

Once he did, he picked it up and resumed typing. 

**“I know it’s late”** he wrote again. 

**“I’m sorry, never min—“** he wrote, but stopped the minute he got a reply. 

**“Of course I’m awake, I have a two year old with a fever”** Sana’s message read. 

Isak was so relieved. 

**“Can I call you?”** he asked. 

He didn’t have to, though. She called him before he had the chance to send his text. 

“Sorry it’s so late” he said apologetically, as soon as he picked up. 

“Nonsense” she simply said. “What’s wrong?” she then asked. 

“I had this dream—“ 

“You’re still having nightmares?” 

“I didn’t talk to Even tonight” he said. 

“So?” 

“When we talk before bed I usually don’t have them” 

“Call him, then” 

“I was gonna, I just didn’t want to risk waking him. He hasn’t been sleeping much either” 

“Oh” 

“And I knew you’d be up, because I knew Isak was feeling—“ he said, still short on breath. 

“Isak, how bad is this dream?” she said, sounding concerned. 

“It isn’t too bad—“ 

“The hell it isn’t. You sound awful” 

“No, I mean it usually isn’t, except tonight it was so real…” 

_“Is everything okay?”_ he could hear Yousef’s voice in the background. 

_“Yes, I’m just talking to Isak”_ she said, and Isak noticed how she didn’t sound mad at all, which he took as a good sign. 

_“Is he okay?”_

_“I don’t know”_ she said quietly. 

She went silent for a minute as Yousef checked on little Isak. 

_“That one is much better. The fever’s breaking”_ she said, still not mad. 

_“Good. Well, say 'Hi' for me”_ he said. _“I’ll come back in a while”_ he said. 

_“Okay”_ she said. 

There was a moment of silence and Isak was about to speak when Sana did. 

“Tell me” she said, as if they hadn’t been interrupted. 

Isak thought it best to not push. He could ask her about it later, he figured. 

“He couldn’t hear me, and he just kept walking away and this… fog— This fucking fog just wouldn’t lift, and I couldn’t see—” he said. "But then he turned around and I could see that e looked sad this time. So sad— " 

“Okay” 

“But it felt like it was happening” 

“Okay, but you’re awake now” 

Isak took a deep breath. 

“Can you tell me what you think the dream is about?” 

He just shook his head, unable to speak. 

“Are you shaking your head?” 

“Uh-huh” 

“It’s alright. You don’t have to tell me yet, just—“ 

“Can I ask you something?” he said, still somewhat disoriented. 

“Of course” 

“Can you not judge what I’m about to tell you?” 

“Isak—“ 

“Sana” 

“I promise” she said, kindly. 

He went silent for a moment. It was like he wasn’t sure if he could say it but also he was so sure he had to. 

“I woke up scared, bud” he quietly admitted. “Whenever that happens, for whatever reason, I always just turn to him, only—“ 

“Only he’s not there” 

“And if I tell him he’ll worry and feel bad—“ 

“I get it” she said, still so kind. “Don’t tell him, tell me” 

“This is stupid, I know, but I can’t seem to—“ 

“What, Isak?” 

“He’s been gone three weeks and it’s like it’s been months” he said. “Which is so pathetic, I know, but I’m used to this. I’m used to him being gone, and I know he’ll be home soon but it’s not—“ 

“You miss him” she kindly said. 

“All the fucking time” he said. 

“It’s okay to miss him” 

“It’s scary, Sana" 

“No it’s not” 

“Yes it is. To feel it this much? It’s fucking terrifying” 

“What is it you’re scared of, Isak?” 

“Tonight, you mean?” 

“Don’t do this, I’m serious” 

“Sorry” 

“This fog you dream about? Him walking away? You’re afraid of something, and it’s not just one thing, is it?” 

He couldn’t answer her. 

“You’re shaking your head again, aren’t you?” 

“Uh-huh” 

“Try telling me one of the things that are so frightening right now. You don’t even need to elaborate on them, if you don’t want to. I just want you to say it, say it out loud” 

“You think admitting it can help?” 

“Let’s find out, shall we?” 

He fell silent. Sana didn’t say a word. 

“I’m afraid of time” 

“Time?” 

“Not having enough of it? With him” 

It didn’t make him feel better. Admitting it. 

“Why wouldn’t you have enough of it?” 

“You said no elaborating” he reminded her, and he felt horrible. 

“Does he know?” 

“Yes” he said, somewhat resigned. “Maybe more than I do, he has that habit” 

“He does?” 

“Oh yeah. He knows almost everything, he’s good like that, he—“ he said, and he just had to stop himself from continuing. 

“What?” 

“He’s so good, Sana” he told her, as if a secret, as if someone was watching. 

That did make a difference. Once he said that out loud he instantly felt as though he could breathe a little easier. 

“He’s so good, and I’m—“ 

“What?” 

“Not” 

“What are you talking about, Isak? Yes you are” 

“Not like him, not that good” he said. “And it’s fine. I mean, I’m fine with it, I’ve always been—“ 

“Isak—“ 

“I have this list, you see. I used to keep it in my head, only after the accident I thought I should write it down, in case I forgot” 

“What list?” 

“It’s just this list of things I need to remind him of. Make him aware of certain things” 

“Like what?” 

“They’re more like reminders, really. Just things I should do it without the need of a list. Things I already do, but some that sometimes I forget – and I wouldn’t, if only I were better” 

“Isak, I know I said don’t elaborate but I kinda need more here” 

“Like telling him how good he is” he said, honestly. “Or how I know all he does. How strong he is and how brave. Show him things—” 

“Okay” 

“Just little things. Things that could maybe make me… better” 

“Better?” 

"For him. Or… at this” 

“And you don’t do these things without this list?” 

“I do. I just wouldn’t need a list, if only I were—“ 

“What?” 

“He thinks he’s not enough for me, can you believe that?” 

She didn’t answer. 

“Him” he said. “He thinks I’m this awesome person he’s not worthy of and—“ 

“Yes?” 

“I think I miss him more than I thought I did” 

“This list?” she said. “The fact that you have a list of things to say and do to make sure he knows how important he is?” 

“I know, I’m sorry. I dunno what’s wrong with me tonight, I—“ 

“It’s lovely, Isak” she said. 

He didn’t say anything. 

“He should know about it, eventually” she said. “I know I’d like to know if Yousef had something like that” 

“You would?” 

“You don’ see what you do, do you?” 

“What do I do?” 

“Isak, you’re afraid he’s not loved the way he should be loved, so you have a list to make sure he feels loved enough. Only, you do all the things on the list without having to remember to check it, but you still think you need the list, just in case” 

“So?” 

“It just proves you don’t need a list in the first place” she told him. 

He didn’t know how to answer her. 

“Look, what is it you guys usually do, whenever you turn to him after waking up like this?” she asked. 

“Well—“ 

“Just remember that anything sexual is probably not necessary information to be shared just at this hour” she told him, jokingly. 

It made him smile, which he was unbelievably grateful for. 

“It isn’t” he simply said, pretending to get offended. 

“Go ahead, then” she said, happily. “What is it you two do?” 

“Nothing really” he said. “He just holds me” 

“Well, I can’t do that over the phone” she said, kindly. 

Little did she know she just had. 

“But I can’t stay up with you until you feel better” she suggested. 

“I’m okay, bud. You have Isak to worry about, I really don’t know why I—“ 

“Isak is fine, his fever is quite manageable” she assured him. “And I’m glad you called me” 

“You are?” 

“Yes. I needed the company” she confessed. “Still do, if you’re interested” she added. 

“Really? Staying up talking shit on the phone? We’ve done this like—“ 

“Never?” she finished his sentence. 

They both started laughing. 

“Well, there’s always a first time for everything” he said. 

“Better late than ever” she said. 

Isak pulled back the covers, turned off the lights and lied down again. 

They talked until little Isak’s fever was gone, which happened just after sunrise. 

\\\ 

That Friday, Isak got home later than usual. 

He took his shoes off, hung up his coat and went straight to the kitchen, starving. 

He opened the fridge and instantly regretted it, the minute he realized there was nothing but some cottage cheese, a nearly empty carton of milk, one egg and a box of what was almost certainly expired orange juice. He made sure to make a mental note so he could remember to go grocery shopping that week. 

When he was about to give up, he remembered to check the pantry, seeing as he knew the freezer was empty - the tortellini he had had a few nights before was the last one. - and he could almost with absolute certainty expect it to be full - it was, after all, one of Even's favorite parts of the new house, so it was bound to be well stocked. 

Luckily for Isak, he knew Even well, and once he opened the narrow door that led to the pantry, he encountered a carefully organized, very well stocked room. 

It made for two things. One, it made for Isak to miss Even; and, two, it meant grocery shopping could be delayed for a few more days. 

After admiring Even's attention to detail for a few moments (the place was almost color coded) Isak proceeded to get some bread, a can if tuna and some mayonnaise, doing it all in a way as to not disturb what was clearly a thought out organizational system Even had put in place. 

When he was almost opening the tuna can, the doorbell rang, so he went to answer it. 

"Valtersen?" said a man holding a rather large paper bag. 

"Yes?" Isak said, utterly confused. 

"Please, sign here" the man said, holding out a tablet for Isak to sign. 

"Thing is, I didn't order anything" Isak said, somewhat embarrassed. 

The man looked at him and then checked his device, to make sure. 

"You are Isak Valtersen?" 

"Yes" 

"Then, this is for you" he simply said, handing him the device again. 

Isak thought it best to just sign the damn thing. After all, he'd been tired enough to maybe forget he had bought some useless trinket online. 

"Here you go" the man said, handing him the paper bag. 

"Thanks" Isak said, as he closed the door and went back to the kitchen. 

He put the bag on the kitchen table, next to the ingredients he had laid out before, and as he rubbed the mayo on the two slices of white bread he tried figuring out where that order had come from. 

_'G'_ , it simply read, in a nice red font. That was of no help at all, of course, except it did serve to make Isak sure he had never hear of such a place.  
It was clearly food, that much was easy enough to deduce. Not just due to the fact that the bag and the obscure name sort of gave it away, but mostly because the smell coming from the bag was simply delicious. A garlicky, almost sweet smell with a hint of something so familiar and yet that seemed to escape Isak. 

Until it hit him. 

Slightly spicy, nutty, sweet. 

Cardamom. It was fucking cardamom. 

Of course it was, he thought, putting the knife down and taking his phone out before unlocking it and quickly dialing. 

"Hi, babe!" a happy Even said on the other end of the line. 

"Hey, are you busy?" Isak said. 

He knew Even was probably still filming. 

"No, not really. We need to wait for the rain to pick up again, so we just took a break" he explained. "What's up?" 

"I just wanted to ask a quick question—" 

"Shoot" 

"Did you by any chance order me food? 

"Oh, you got it? Good" Even said, excited. 

"So, you did?" 

"Yes, I did" he said, quite proudly. 

"Um... Why, exactly? 

"Why did I order you food?" 

"Uh-huh" 

"Well, earlier this week you were eating tortellini" 

"Yeah..." 

"So I just figured it meant you were running out of good - my food" he said. "And that means you have moved on to eating either pizza and burgers every night or - and this is what I would think it more likely - sandwiches" 

Isak looked at his unprepared sandwich lying on the kitchen table. 

"You got all that from the tortellini I had three nights ago?" 

"Am I wrong? " 

"Actually, no" Isak said, somewhat impressed. 

"So, sandwiches?" 

"Possibly" Isak slowly said, pretty fucking impressed. 

"I knew it" 

"You sent me dinner" Isak told him. "All the way from London?" 

"Pretty cool, huh?" 

"You're unbelievable, Even Bech Næsheim". 

_"We're ready, Even"_ Isak heard someone tell him. 

"You have to go?" he asked. 

"Yeah" Even said. "Mike says the rain's picking up" he explained. 

"Oh" Isak said, suddenly having to try and sound as though he didn't mind hanging up. 

"You didn't open the bag, did you?" 

"How are you doing this?" Isak asked, looking around. 

"Open the bag, babe" Even said, and he could tell he said it through a smile. 

Isak held his phone with his shoulder and opened the bag. On top of a couple of plastic containers, there was a single sheet of paper, no bigger than the containers themselves – three inches wide by four inches long, probably. 

It made Isak smile, the very second he realized what it was. 

"Are you smiling?" Even asked. 

"Uh-huh" 

"Good" 

"How did you do this?" he quietly asked. 

"I have my ways" he proudly said. 

Isak couldn't take his eyes from the sheet of paper. 

It was one of Even's drawings. Two scenes, one in which Isak was sitting in front of an empty plate; the other also having Isak sitting in front of a plate, but there were tons of food on it. 

"You're amazing, baby" 

"I'm glad you liked it" he said. "But now I really have to go. And you have to eat" 

"Okay. Go, be brilliant" Isak said. 

"Bon appétite, Valtersen" 

"Thanks, baby" 

Isak waited for Even to end the call, admiring his drawing as he did. 

He turned around, walked over to the cupboard so he could get a plate, opened the drawer directly below it and took a fork and a knife and turned back to set himself a place at the kitchen table – all the while unable to let go of Even's drawing. 

He felt he needed to eat his dinner properly. 

As he enjoyed his cardamom infused ginger-garlic chicken, he mindlessly took the paper bag from the top of the table and put it in the floor next to him. That's when he noticed there was a second, three by four sheet of white paper at the bottom. 

He reached for it mid-bite, and it was another drawing. This time of Even, lying in bed looking sad, with the second one showing him smiling as he held Isak, and it simply read _'With You'_. 

Isak spent the rest of his dinner admiring his drawing, which he had to place next to his plate because he feared he might be holding on to it a bit too tight. 

\\\

Even made sure there was a delivery for Isak every night that weekend. Each accompanied by at least one drawing. 

The following Monday, however, the deliveries stopped. Even had warned Isak he was going to have to work even harder that week, and that meant they would probably not be able to talk as much or for as long as they had both gotten used to doing by then.

That was the theory. That was what Isak was prepared for. What actually happened was that after Monday, Even had to go to the countryside to shoot a sequence on location, and that was the last day they spoke. Or texted. Or had any contact at all.

\\\

On Thrusday, Isak overslept. He had spent the night grading papers and waiting for Even to call, which he didn't, and ended up sleeping late. In his rush to get to the university on time, he left his phone behind. On Even's pillow, in fact.

When he got home that evening, there were five unanswered calls from Even, as well as a couple of rather vague texts.

 _'Are you busy?'_ and _'Are you there?'_ were just vague enough to make Isak's mind start to turn on him after a while. There was nothing odd about those texts.  
They were normal, predictable even. Even couldn't get a hold of him so he must've gotten worried as well, and so he could very well have sent those texts simply because Isak didn't answer.

Of course, he could've just tried reaching him in his office. But Isak hadn't had time to go to his office that day, he had back to back classes and spent the remainder of his time in the lab, so he couldn't know if Even had tried reaching him at University even if he wanted to.

Bottom line was, Isak got home to five unanswered calls from Even, and when he tried calling back, Even's phone went straight to voicemail, something that just proved too much for a worried Isak.

The idea of Even having an episode in a foreign country was enough to keep Isak on edge, which was something that was exacerbated by the fact that, since Even was working odd hours, Isak couldn't very well just call whenever he felt like it – which was often. No. He had to wait for Even to contact him, which proved nerve wrecking.

After the third unsuccessful attempt at reaching him, Isak wrote a text, explaining he had forgotten his phone that day. It still wasn't enough. For some reason he felt as though it just wasn't enough.

\\\

It was three in the morning when Isak's phone started to vibrate. He had gone to bed no more than an hour before, and it took him a minute to properly find his phone in between the folds of the duvet.

"H— Hello?" he said, clearing his throat and not even bothering to look at the screen to see who it was. 

He knew it was Even.

"Babe?" Even quietly said.

"Even, what's wrong?"

It wasn't the time, nor was it the way Even sounded. Not really. It was just one of those feelings, a sort of sixth sense one tends to develop after living long enough with someone else, Isak would be the first to suggest. Over the years, Isak had become quite good at anticipating Even's moods. He could, more often than not, pick up on the signs leading up to his mania or a depressive episode. He was so good at it in fact, Even himself sometimes noticed it after Isak did.

And he had, once again, been able to sense that Even wasn’t really okay and feared everything was leading up to some sort of episode. He had just been hoping it would happen after London, meaning he would be minutes, or – ideally – inches away from Even when it were to actually happen though.

Isak had no such luck, he feared.

"Hum, nothing. I mean, I just got in, and I thought of texting but for some reason I just dialed" he tried to explain.

"That's okay"

"I woke you up, didn't I? I was hoping you were still awake"

"No. I mean, yes. I mean—" Isak was already frustrated his brain wasn't following along with his need to wake the fuck up.

His sleep had been so all over the place lately. He would, after a few bad nights, simply pass out from tiredness. It was easy enough to understand, but it also proved somewhat of a challenge in terms of waking up. He had, due to this schedule, been taking longer than usual to be able to get to a fully alert state – something he desperately needed at that very moment.

"Sorry, babe. Go back to sleep, we can talk tomorrow" Even kindly said.

"No!" Isak told him, rather loudly, sitting up. "No, I'm here. Talk to me, Even. What's going on?"

"My day was just... awful. I've been thinking about you the whole time, and as everything seemed to be going wrong, I just kept thinking that eventually I'd get to talk to you and it would somehow make this less awful"

"Why was your day awful?"

"Ugh. It was just one of those days nothing seemed to work. Everyone was late, production was extremely difficult, we had to do a lot of last minute changes due to location and permits and I—" he said, stopping suddenly and going quiet.

"And you?" Isak repeated.

"I feel a bit... **off** "

"How so?"

"Just... off. Sad, kinda"

"Oh"

"It's not like I'm manic, or as if I was going to get manic. I don't even think I'm getting bad again— It's just—"

"Limbo" Isak said, as if finishing Even's train of thought.

"Yes!" Even said on the other end of the line, sighing with relief the very second after he spoke.

"It's nothing bad, not really. Only, it's not exactly nothing either, you know?"

"Uh-huh"

"So I figured I'd call my doctor and he told me this was normal, that it's just my body adjusting to the new dosage and that I shouldn't worry because in a couple of days I'd go back to feeling like myself again, and I just— I mean, it makes sense, but I just—"

"Weren't too happy with the timeframe?"

"Yes!" he said. Once again, sighing with relief shortly after. "I mean, every day that doesn't go as planned means more money, more money means more stress, which equals longer hours and more dailies, and the longer this gets delayed the longer it'll take for me to go back to you and I need to go back to you because I need..."

Isak didn't finish his sentence this time.

"You, Isak" Even said, with such warmth Isak wanted to hold him.

"Even—"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing this, not over the phone like this, not in the middle of the night"

"Skype me"

"What?"

"Skype me. Now" Isak said, opening the laptop that was on Even's side of the bed, resting on his pillow.

Even didn't take more than a minute to do as Isak asked. Once he did, Isak could see he looked beautifully hopeless, but that he did look like he was fine, despite feeling the way he was feeling.

"There you are" Isak said, smiling and locking his phone. "We can't have this conversation over the phone when we can have it face to face" he added.

"I'm sorry I woke you" Even quietly said.

"I had barely fallen asleep. It's fine"

"Why barely?"

"I'm still grading those essays. It took most of the night, but I got through 11, now I have only twenty to go"

"Oh"

"What exactly are you feeling, baby?"

"Just... off? Everything seems weird, useless. It makes it harder for me to work as much as I tend to, which is frustrating. Nothing seems to be worth the effort, except—"

"Yes?"

"I can do this. I have done this. I just hate that the one thing that isn't spoiled is so far from me"

"You've adjusted your meds before, so you know how it feels. Is it different this time?"

"I don't know. I guess not"

"Then all you need to do—"

"It may be different"

"In what way?"

"How sudden it was? I was fine yesterday. Well, maybe not fine, but not like this"

“Well, maybe—“

“And you’re so far away”

“Baby—“

“I’m sorry, babe. I— I got this, I do. It’s just—“

"You need to take it slow, Even. You can't keep pushing like this, working the way you’ve been working"

"You're right" he said. “I, um— I think—“

“What?”

“Would it be okay if we stayed up tonight?” he asked. “For longer, maybe?” 

“Of course it’s okay, baby” Isak told him. “We can stay up for as long as you’d like”

He looked so relieved.

“Lie down, Even” Isak told him, softly.

He didn’t say anything, simply made himself comfortable, putting the computer on the pillow next to his and turning on his side to face it, staying in the exact same position as Isak was.

They watched each other for a few moments, quietly.

“Tell me something” Even finally asked.

“What?”  
“Something about you” he said. “Something I don’t know”

“Let’s see” Isak said, trying to think. “When I was a kid, whenever I got scared, I’d turn on all the lights and try to stay awake” he told him. “I never went to my parents, I thought I was old enough to handle it”

“How old were you?”

“Four?” he said, smiling and rolling his eyes.

Even smiled for the first time since they had started talking.

“One night, my grandfather was there… I think it was on Christmas or something, and he saw the lights on, or maybe he heard me make noise, I dunno” he said. “He went up to my room and asked me what was wrong and I instantly started balling my eyes out, telling him how scared I was”

“Aw”

“So he told me a story, tucked me back in and said that whenever I got too scared or couldn’t sleep, I should just close my eyes and think of something nice”

“Did it work?”

“It did” Isak said, rather nostalgic. “For a while, at least”

“It wouldn’t work for me, though. Not tonight”

“Why not?”

“It’d be redundant”

“Oh?”

“I can see my something nice” he said. “I don’t need to close my eyes to do it”

Isak smiled.

“I hate that I can’t just reach out and grab you”

“Me too” Even said.

Isak could tell he was getting sleepy. 

“I’m sorry” Even said, quietly.

“What for?

“I didn’t want to worry you, I just—”

“It’s you, Even” Isak said. “Let me worry”

“It worked, though” he told him. “I knew it would” he added, half-smiling.

“What?”

“Talking to you. It helped”

Isak smiled as he watched Even yawn.

“I don’t want to fall asleep” he said.

“Why not?” Isak asked.

“Because if I do, it means I’ll have to do it all over again tomorrow and I don’t want to” he said. “I want to stay here, just like this, and look at you”

“Maybe it won’t be so bad. Tomorrow” Isak said, trying to comfort him.

“It’s still better to look at you” he said.

“You can sleep, baby. I’ll still be here”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh” Isak nodded.

It didn’t take long for Even to fall asleep. Once he did, Isak took his phone and bought a ticket.

By morning, Isak was still awake, grading papers as he waited for Even to wake up.


	9. Next To Me (Part I)

Isak had almost finished packing when Sana arrived. She rang the doorbell twice, and on the third time, Isak interrupted the prolonged ring, opening the front door with haste. 

"Hey bud" he casually said, stepping aside so she'd enter.

"What took you so long?" she asked, walking in and heading to the kitchen.

"I was upstairs, packing"

"Packing?"

"Yeah, I'm off to London for a day or two"

"Why? Is everything okay? Is it Even?"

"Yeah, I dunno. We went a few days without talking and then last night he called but he wasn’t feeling well and now I can’t seem to get a hold of him”

"Oh?"

"He's been working mostly nights, so sometimes we go a few days without properly speaking. It’s no big deal, only he's been feeling a bit weird lately"

"How so?"  
"After his last episode, his doctor upped his meds. Only he did it to prevent it from snowballing into a full blown breakdown, you know? So now he's cutting down to a lower dosage. Higher than before, but still not so high as the danger is now gone"

"Okay"

"Anyway, there are side effects, one being that he can feel a bit melancholic. Nothing to be concerned about, it just takes a few days for his body to adjust"

"Makes sense"

"So he's been dealing with that, along with the stress of the production"

"But he's fine?"

"I think so. But last night, when he called, I— I dunno”

"Why don't you just ask Noora or Eskild? They can keep an eye on him"

"They would've called if he wasn't okay. Besides, I don't want them to keep an eye on him"

"You just need to go?"

"I've been thinking about for a while now, and he's been asking me to for over a week. I just—"

"Worry"

"Feel like he shouldn't be alone" 

"He isn't though. Noora and Eskild are there"

"But I'm not"

"I see"

"What? Are you going to say I'm stupid or something?"

"No. I actually agree. You should go to him"

"Oh"

"Didn't see that coming, did ya?"

"Not at all. What's wrong with you?"

"I'm just trying to be more positive"

"Okay, what's going on, Sana?"

"Nothing's going on, Isak. I just think I could use being a bit less—"

"Dark?"

"Whatever"

"Yeah, that's kinda freaky though"

"Why? You always complain I'm not cheerful enough"

"When have I ever used that word?"

"You know what I mean"

"No, I don't actually. Why would you want to become this cheerful person? It's just odd"

"Just because we're used to being dark doesn't mean cheerful is a bad thing, you know"

"It doesn't?"

"That's what they tell me"

"Well, _they_ should mind their own business"

"Let me just try it out for a few days. Who knows, maybe it'll become my thing or something"

"Sure. If you want to"

"I don't **want** to. I just can't see how it could hurt"

"We'll talk in a few days then"

"What time's your flight?"

"I arrive at five pm. I just hope it's early enough to get to the hotel and catch him before he goes to work"

"What if it isn't? Do you know where he's filming?"

"Nope. They were doing externals, but it's okay. If I get there and he's working I guess I'll just wait"

"You should call Noora"

"Noora has enough on her mind already"

"Eskild?"

"Eskild has nothing on his" Isak joked. "But he's probably busy"

"You can't just risk waiting in a hotel lobby all night, Isak"

"Why not? I don't mind. I got tons of work to do, anyway"

"Are you really that worried?"

"I'm trying not to be. It's just a feeling I've been having lately” he said. “Then again, I can't really trust those either" he added.

"Are you sure you're not just missing him?"

"It's not that. I'm used to that"

"You're used to worrying, too"

"It's one thing to worry when I get to see him at the end of the day. It's quite another to keep having to guess if he's drowning every night"

"True"

"I mean, I can't just be okay if he's not" he said, just to bait her.

"I see"

Didn't work, which only made him more weirded out.

"Shit, you really are trying. That would usually be enough to get at the very least an eye roll"

"I'm not gonna bite, Isak"

"Not even if I say I'm... _longing_ for him?"

She looked at him and Isak could see she was having a hard time not slapping him.

"No. Not even then"

"Jesus, even I would judge that"

"Maybe you should also try and be a bit more positive. It's supposed to be less consuming"

"I like my cynicism, thank you"

"Seriously just judge me, just a little bit"

"No can do. Sorry"

\\\

Isak got out of the taxi and went inside the hotel. He walked up to the reception and waited until an elderly lady finished checking in.

"Welcome" the woman at reception said, kindly smiling.

"Hi. Um, Even Bech Næsheim? I don't know which is his room"

She quickly typed on her computer.

"Room... 1717. Only, it appears he isn't in"

"Oh? Well, that's okay, I'll wait" Isak said. "Thank you" he added, before turning around and walking across the lobby to the elevators.

He rode up to the seventeenth floor alone. Once he got out,he walked over to room 1717, dropped his bag on the floor and sat next to the door. He was tired, but mostly frustrated because during his flight he had thought of a great way of surprising Even, which involved calling him from the front desk and pretending to be in Oslo, then walking up and knocking on his door only to see the expression on his face once he saw Isak standing there, minutes after speaking to him.

Now, however, he would just have to wait until Even got back to the hotel, which could happen anytime within the next hour or five.

He didn't mind waiting, of course. He just hated planning something in his head and having it go wrong.

So he waited. 

At first, Isak played some game on his phone for a half hour, but got bored. He then tried seeing how many Pokémon’s there were in the hotel, but even that didn't particularly appeal to him. So finally, he opened his backpack and searched for his copy of Sartre's _The Wall_.

I was an English second edition Even had gotten him as a gift in a street market in Morocco, the first time they visited, during Isak's senior year at Nissen. At the time, Isak hadn't decided to pursue philosophy or even physics. But it was that book which first got him interested in academia, and its value was, at least to Isak, incommensurable. He carried it with him everywhere he went, and whenever he handled it, he did so with extreme care, as though it were treasure – because that was precisely what it was to him.

As he was almost at the end of the first chapter, right at the part where Ibieta was to be informed they had caught Gris at the cemetery – Isak's favorite bit – he heard Even's voice coming from down the hall.

Isak immediately closed his book, careful as always, tucked it back in his backpack and stood up.

 _"You're phone is off so you must be in class"_ he heard Even say. _"So I guess I'll just try to call later—"_ he continued, sounding rather sad.

As his voice got closer, Isak could feel his heart beating faster inside his chest.

_"You know, I really hate not seeing—"_

Even stopped talking as soon as he saw Isak standing in front of his room. It was like he saw a ghost.

"— you" he finished, still on his phone.

"Hey, you" Isak said, smiling.

"Isak?" he asked, surprised. "I— I was leaving you a message" he added, dumbfounded.

"Yeah? What message?"

"I— I just—"

Even slowly took a step closer to Isak, standing inches away.

"Are you— Are you really here?" he asked, somehow unsure, as he reached his hand out.

"Uh-huh. I'm here, baby" Isak told him calmly, still smiling, also reaching out and taking hold on Even’s hand.

Just like that, Even took another step forward and cupped Isak's face, pinning him against the door and kissing him.

They barely noticed a couple who walked out the room next to Even’s, and smiled as they walked past them. After about a minute or so, while still kissing Isak, Even took out his room key-card from his jacket pocket and tried sliding it in the slot without actually stopping to look at where it was.

Maybe it was luck or just good dexterity, but Even was able to unlock the door, making so Isak would walk backwards as the door swung open. As they walked inside, Even took off his jacket and then Isak's, and it was only when he moved from kissing Isak's mouth to kissing his neck that Isak was able to speak.

"Baby... My... bag" Isak said, trying his very best to focus.

Even kissed him harder, pulling up his t-shirt up just enough so it would expose Isak's stomach, and then unbuttoning his jeans and placing either hand on Isak's hip, pressing his skin.

"Even" Isak said, and Even refrained from kissing his neck just long enough to look him deep in his eyes.

He didn't say a word, but simply put his right hand on Isak's chest, just over his heart, and pushed him gently so he could lean against the wall. 

Even then turned around, quickly fetching Isak's belongings from outside the room and closing the door. When he turned back, he looked at Isak for a beat, as if admiring him, and smiled. 

Isak was breathless.

As they looked at each other, Isak bit his lip and readily took off his t-shirt, and just as he did, Even all but ran to him.

The first time they made love, they barely spoke. It was so intense, Isak was sure they were both going to get bruises afterwards.

The second time however, was slower, albeit also intense.

\\\

As Even sat in bed with his back against the headboard, Isak was on top of him, with his back arched back.

"Isak?"

"Don't tell me your close" he panted.

Even smiled.

'No. I'm not close"

"Good, 'cause this is too perfect"

" **You're** perfect"

He had his hand on Isak's hip, and watched as Isak moved. After some time, Even leaned forward and slid both hands down Isak's back, pulling him closer so he could bite his neck.

"Fuck, you feel so good" Isak said, breathless, clawing his hands on Even's back.

It only made Even hold him tighter.

"I missed your taste" Even said, while kissing his chest and definitely leaving a mark.

"Huh?" Isak said, barely able to hear him.

"Your skin... You taste so good, Isak"

"Don't stop" he pleaded, pulling on Even's hair as he somehow got deeper inside him.

\\\

They lay in bed, turned to the side, facing each other.

Isak touched Even's shoulder, gently, running his index finger over a red line that he had left on Even's skin.

"I think I got a bit carried away" he said.

Even reached over and touched him on the neck, running his palm down his collarbone and stopping just over Isak's heart. He was also marked, and there was a bite mark where Even had his hand that was already turning purple.

"Me too" he told him. "Does it hurt?"

Isak shook his head, smiling.

"I can't believe you're here" Even said.

"After you fell asleep last night I—" Isak said, stopping as Even's hand moved from his chest up, cupping his face.

He leaned in and kissed him, softly, before pulling away.

"I had to book a flight" he concluded, still with his eyes closed.

Even looked as though he was reminded of something.

"I almost forgot" he said, turning back to reach for his phone on the nightstand.

Isak watched and noticed how his back was all scratched.

"I need to cancel my flight" Even told him, turning back to face him as he unlocked and handled his phone.

Turns out they both had the same idea.

"What flight?" Isak asked him.

"I booked a flight to Oslo later tonight. That's why I was calling you. To tell you I was coming"

"No way" Isak said, dumbfounded.

"Yep" Even said, eyes on the screen. "You know what they say. Great minds..."

"Are you being serious?" Isak asked, still unconvinced. "But you had to work"

Even took his eyes from the screen of his phone and looked at Isak, breaking into a smile.

"Here" Even said, turning his phone so Isak could see a print of his ticket.

It was an 11:00 pm, one way flight leaving Heathrow and arriving in Oslo two and a half hours later.

"It’s been weeks, babe. I couldn't go on much longer like this" he said, honestly. "I just decided to delay production for a couple of days"

"I almost booked the 9:30 pm flight to London. If I had, we would've missed each other"

"Good thing you didn't"

"No. I figure I'd just wait—" he commented. "I would've been **so** pissed if I'd missed you"

"There" he said, putting his phone down. "Cancelled" he added.

"It would've made for one hell of a story though" he pointed out, making himself comfortable again.

"No, it wouldn't have. I would've made you fly back"

"And I would have" he said, kissing him again.

Even watched as Isak took a second longer before opening his eyes.

"How are things back home?" he asked.

"Good. Your mom texted me, asking if we'd like to come over for dinner when you got back"

"Yeah, my dad texted me, too"

"I said we would. Next Saturday, if you get home on Friday, that is"

"Sounds good. But I think I'm flying back Saturday"

"You're only staying for one day?" Isak asked, not being able to hide how unhappy he was at that thought.

"What? No" Even said, smiling. "I mean instead of flying in on Friday , I'm flying in Saturday" he explained.

"Oof"

"Saturday morning"

"And..." Isak stared at him for a beat. "When do you need to come back?" he asked, hesitantly.

Even frowned.

"Would a week later be too soon?" he asked him, teasingly.

"Yes"

"What about ten days?"

"Yes"

"Fifteen?"

"When are you leaving, Even?" Isak asked, annoyed.

Even laughed, which only pissed him off.

"Next month, babe. The 27th" he finally said.

"Oh"

"Better?"

"I don't care" Isak said, trying to fain disinterest.

It only made Even smile wider.

"So you did miss me" he smugly stated.

"Well—"

"And now you're going to change the subject because you hate admitting it"

"I've no problem admitting it"

"Just the actual utterance of the words, then? That's what you don't like?"

"I don't mind saying it, either"

"Then why don't you?"

"I say it"

"You show it, there's a difference"

"Even, I—"

"I don't mind that you don't say it that often, I'm not complaining"

"Sounds like—"

"I just don't get why you do it. Or rather, don't do it"

"Well, I mean—"

"There's probably a reason that makes sense, because you always make sense—"

"Why aren't you letting me speak?" Isak asked, frustrated.

"Because I'm trying to make you mad" he simply said.

"Why?"

"Because I've missed how cute you look when you get frustrated?" he said, and Isak instantly rolled his eyes. "Your lip shakes and you get this look that's so damn sexy" he added.

"I'm not frustrated, I just—"

"Like that! That look!" he said, absolutely beaming.

"What the fuck, Even, I can't believe—"

And he interrupted Isak again, only this time he did so by kissing him, just like he did when he found him standing by the hotel room door.

\\\

The sun was almost up.

Even was lying on his back, stroking Isak's hair, while Isak lay on top of him with his head resting on Even’s chest.

He loved listening to Even's heartbeat.

"Even?" he said, smiling as he noticed Even’s heart beat faster as he spoke.

"Huh?"

"I did miss you" Isak told him.

"I know you did, babe. I was just teasing you" he said, still stroking his hair.

"No, you don't get it. **I missed you** " he said, frowning and for a moment being glad Even couldn't see it.

"I missed you too, babe" Even said, locking both arms together around Isak’s back and kissing him on the top of his head.

Isak smiled.

"I don't like those words" he confessed.

"They're nice words, though" Even said.

"They're heavy"

"Explain?"

"They're nice words, but..."

"Yeah?"

"They can be sad"

"Sad?"

"Missing you? I'm used to it" he said, tightening his grip on Even’s sides, as if holding on.

Isak then moved his head and looked up at him, resting his chin on Even's chest and noticing how beautiful he looked.

"But saying it means you are gone” he said, going quiet for a moment. “I don't like it when you're gone" he confessed, almost in a whisper.

"Is that why you only say it when we're together?"

"Uh-huh" he nodded.

"See? Makes sense" Even said, smiling.

"It's less scary when we're together" Isak told him, and he didn’t mean just saying the words.

"I've been telling you that for years"

Apparently, neither did Even.

Isak smiled, going back to resting his head on Even's chest.

"If you keep doing that I'm going to fall asleep" he said, as Even resumed stroking his hair.

Even didn't say a word. He didn't stop, either.

\\\

The following morning, Isak woke up with Even's phone ringing. He took a minute to open his eyes and, when he did, he noticed Even walking away from the bedroom. 

Then, he heard the doors to the balcony sliding open and then shut.

He sat on the bed, realizing it was light out. It was the first time he'd had a chance to notice the room properly. It was a large suite, with a bedroom and a den, as well as a living room and a dining room, with a balcony that went from the bedroom all the way to the living room.

As he searched for his clothes but couldn't find his jeans or his t-shirt, Isak eventually got up and wrapped himself around a white duvet, before going after Even.

He walked over to the balcony doors, watching as Even walked from one side to the other, looking busy. He had only his jeans on and was smoking a cigarette – Isak couldn't believe how hot he looked. Once he slid open the door, Isak realized Even wasn't just hot, he was crazy, too. It was freezing out.

"But can't you call them back and ask if we can shoot the scene Monday? I told you I had to fly home. What if I can't reschedule my flight?" he said, visibly annoyed.

Isak just stood there, after closing the glass door behind him. He wanted to go to him and wrap him around the duvet, but he could see he was mad. So much so, Even didn't even realize Isak was there. He just kept pacing nervously.

"Fine. But if we're doing this today, I'm not going to have that studio brat hovering and reporting back on every single take" he said, and Isak couldn't help but admire him. "I'm serious, Mike. I'll fucking walk"

It was then Isak realized how much pressure Even had been under. He knew things weren't progressing as he had hoped, and he knew Even understood that before taking on the project. However, Even wasn't used to working like this, having his every move monitored and needing to explain his vision beforehand.  
He thrived under pressure, and he knew that, too. But Isak always worried when Even's temper started to get too short – he was nothing if not professional –, and even when he wanted to curse, he usually found a very _Even Bech Næsheim_ way of doing it, which would, more often than not, be so effective that he would be able to get what he wanted. He was that good.

Cursing and threatening to walk however, those were two things Isak never heard him do before. He knew he should be more concerned than aroused, but Isak was only human, after all. He couldn't help but feel both things in equal measure. Even was, after all, a truly beautiful man, and that was all Isak kept thinking.

As Isak noticed how the wind was blowing on Even's hair, and how his hip bone looked in that light, and even how said light made his skin glow and contrast with the black of his dangerously low jeans, Even finished his call and let out a dissatisfied grunt, before he turned and leaned over the iron railing and took a deep drag from his cigarette as he looked out, over the city.

Isak couldn't help it, he just stood there, silently watching him.

When Even did turn around, he found a still sleepy, albeit it quite stimulated Isak looking back at him, biting his lip.

It only made it worse once Even lit up at the realization Isak had been there all along.

"Morning" Isak said, coyly.

Even looked down at his hand, knowing Isak wasn't exactly a fan of him smoking so early, but Isak didn't say a word.

"I didn't want to wake you, but I had to take that call" Even apologetically said.

"It's alright" Isak said, still eyeing Even.

Particularly his waistline.

"What?" he asked, looking down, curious.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Oh! No, not really" he replied. "I got so angry, I think I warmed up"

"That's a shame" Isak said, walking over. "I could've done that" he said, standing in front of him.

"Well, I wouldn't be opposed to you doing anything, to be honest" Even said, as Isak stood in front of him and leaned his head back a bit, asking for a kiss.

Even kissed him for the longest time, taking a deep breath mid-kiss, which Isak found adorable.

Then, someone knocked on the door, interrupting them.

"Oh!" Even excitedly said, still kissing Isak. "Breakfast" he added, before pulling away, putting out his cigarette on an ashtray that was on the floor next to the door, ans then proceeding to head inside.

Isak loved that sight. He merely turned and leaned against the railing and admired Even move.

As the man from room service brought in the breakfast cart, Isak couldn't help but smile as Even looked at it like a kid.

He tipped him, being thanked profusely – Isak knew Even must've given him the biggest tip he'd get all day – and closed the door behind him.

Isak walked in, having forgotten how cold it was outside for a moment, closed the sliding doors and walked towards the center of the living room, where an excited Even was removing the lids from each of the plates.

"Come. Sit" he told Isak, who did just that.

"It smells delicious" Isak told him, to which Even raised both eyebrows.

"They asked if I wanted a continental breakfast or a _'Full English'_. I thought, _"When in Rome"_ , so I got us the _'Full English'_ ", as well as extra coffee and orange juice, 'cause I wasn't sure if you'd be hungry"

Isak was starving, in fact. It wasn't until he smelled the food that he realized they hadn't had any dinner the night before. He also felt as though he should keep to himself the fact that he had skipped lunch because he was too anxious to fly.

"What constitutes the _full english_?" Isak asked him.

When they visited London, years ago, they didn't have a chance to eat breakfast once. They were always either fighting or making up, and basically stayed in the hotel until lunch, every day.

"No idea. I've been having the continental breakfast, because I wanted to try the local one with you" he said, making Isak smile.

Another typically _Even Bech Næsheim_ thing to do, he thought.

He went on to unveil the three plates of food on the cart. Two of them were identical, with two slices of toasted bread, two eggs – both over easy –, two fried sausages, baked beans, biscuits and fried tomatoes; the third one had extra toasted bread, biscuits and mushrooms.

"That's a lot of food" Even said, surprised, yet beaming.

"I don't even know how people can handle all this every morning, but I'm just gonna eat it all" Isak said, noticeably making Even happier still.

"How about we eat breakfast in bed though?" Even suggested.

"Yes, please" Isak said, standing up and helping Even slide the cart over next to the bed.

\\\

"I just never get tired of watching you eat" Even said, as Isak all but devoured his food.

"So" Isak said, taking a bite out of his second slice of bread. "Why were mad before?" he asked.

"This scene I was trying to shoot last week but couldn't because of the weather, remember?"

Isak nodded, moving on to his second sausage.

"Turns out there's supposed to be this huge thunderstorm coming this afternoon, so we'll have to shoot today" he said, not even hiding his disappointment.

"Good thing you're still here" Isak said, with his mouth full.

"That's just it. They must've called the hotel and checked before basically making me do this, which is why I got mad. Well, part of it, anyway"

Isak just looked at him, waiting to find if he was going to volunteer the information or Isak was going to have to ask.

"I had already given everybody the weekend off. I hate that they went over my head like that. Plus, I was going back home to you, so when I saw you were here I figured we'd still get to spend the weekend together. But now, since there's a thunderstorm, I need to film today" he said. "As if London had a shortage of rain and we only had one shot at this scene"

"Well, it's one less day you need to make up for, though. At least it won't delay production"

"But you're here. I want to spend time with you, not work"

"I'll still be here when you finish" Isak said.

Even looked at him and tried to smile, but he could see he felt bad.

"Possibly naked?" Isak said.

Now that got a proper smile.

"There's an incentive, if I ever heard one"

"I'd like to think so"

"I'll cancel lunch with Noora and Eskild then"

"No, don't cancel lunch"

"Why?" Even asked, and he sounded so frustrated and cute Isak almost jumped him.

"You said it yourself, Noora isn't doing too well. Don't cancel"

"But I have to go to work right after lunch"

"I'll still be waiting when you finish. I can visit the set, grade some papers or whatever. We have all weekend, we can do anything you want"

"Anything I want?"

"Anything you want” he repeated. “I'm all yours, all weekend"

Even grinned.

"All mine as in...?"

"As in all yours" he said, biting his lip.

"Well, if you put it like that..."

"Just a bit of motivation for you. Is it working?"

"Oh yeah, it's working" he said, smiling.

"Good"

"Come with me, at least. To lunch"

"Okay"

\\\

The restaurant was full. The only reason they were able to find a table was because since Noora and Even had started having lunch together every day, they'd started booking their table in advance.

Even sat next to Isak, while Noora and Eskild sat opposite them, also side by side. They both had their elbows on the table and were resting their chins on their knuckles as they attentively watched Isak and Even interact.

"How's your dad, Isak?" Noora eventually asked him, making turn him away from Even and face her.

"He's better. He only stayed at the hospital for a few days, it wasn't that serious"

"Oh, I'm glad" she said, watching as Even put his hand around Isak, resting his arm over the chair, behind him, and gently pressing his left arm as he spoke.

"What's this about you taking molly to cure a headache, by the way?" Eskild asked, curiously.

"I didn't take it to cure a headache. I thought it was aspirin" Isak said, rather bothered he had to get in the topic.

"Oh, I've used that excuse more often than I'd care to admit" Eskild said.

"Even said it was pretty bad" Noora told him, concerned.

"Apparently there's this kind of migraine that basically feels like a stroke but isn't"

"Jesus" she said.

"It was awful" Even said, turning to face him, serious.

"But does it have anything to do with—" she said, stopping to look at her phone that started ringing.

Eskild rolled his eyes.

"Three guesses who" he said.

 _"Hi"_ Noora said.

Even took his fork and started taking food from Isak's plate, casually.

_"No, I'm having lunch with Isak and Even"_

"And Eskild. Eskild's also here" Eskild said, annoyed.

"Eskild's always here" Isak said, smiling.

"True, but it's still nice to be mentioned" he said.

 _"Yeah, he just got in"_ Noora said, smiling as she turned to Isak. _"William says 'Hello'"_ she added.

"Tell him I said _'Hey'_ " Isak said, looking down at his plate as Even took more food from it.

_"Isak says 'Hey'"_ she said. _"No, he's only staying a couple of days"_

__Even, Eskild and Isak all exchanged looks._ _

__"He says you should visit again, when he's in town" Noora said. "I absolutely agree you should visit more, by the way" she added, kindly._ _

__"I will" Isak said, finding the whole thing a bit strange, if he were to be honest._ _

__"I second that" Even said, with his mouth full, which made Isak smile._ _

__"Me too" Eskild said, as he held up his phone and took a selfie, then turned it around to take a picture of Isak and Even – neither of them noticed._ _

__"Can I post this?" Eskild said. "I'm posting this" he decided._ _

__"You're right, these potatoes are delicious" Even told Isak._ _

_"I don't know if I'll be home"_ Noora said, sounding rather sad, Isak noticed. 

__"Vilde already hearted it" Eskild commented. "I miss that girl"_ _

__"Hearted what?" Even asked him._ _

__Eskild turned his phone to Even, showing him the picture he had posted to Instagram. It showed him mid-bite, while Isak looked at him, smiling._ _

__"I wanna heart that" he said, turning to Isak and smiling once he saw that Isak was on his phone doing just that._ _

__"You could if you'd only get an account" Eskild said. "Who doesn't have Instagram?_ _

__"I use Isak's"_ _

__"He does" Isak confirmed._ _

__Eskild showed the photo to Noora, who all but swooned._ _

_"Fine, we'll talk tomorrow, then"_ Noora said, ending the call. 

__

__"What now?" Eskild asked her, as she put her phone down on the table._ _

__"He's not coming back this week. 'Maybe next week', he said"_ _

__"Prick" Eskild said._ _

__"His father made him handle this merger, all by himself" Noora told Isak, who was clearly the only one present not knowing what was going on._ _

__"Oh" he said. "Must be a lot of work"_ _

__"He barely sleeps" she said, and Isak couldn't quite make out if she sounded worried or just sad._ _

__"Even, you’re eating all of his food" she said, pointing at Isak's plate and breaking into a laugh._ _

__"He doesn't mind" Even casually said._ _

"I really don't" Isak agreed. "Besides, we had this _Whole English_ this morning" he mentioned. 

__"I've had those" Eskild said, looking rather nostalgic._ _

" _Full English_ , babe" Even corrected him, taking yet another mouthful. 

__"Yeah, that"_ _

__"Oh. Those aren't as fun" Eskild said._ _

__"Why don't you take some time to yourself, Noora?" Isak asked her._ _

__"Technically I've been doing just that"_ _

__"No, I mean, actual time off. So you're able to get away from things, decompress"_ _

__"I keep telling her..." Eskild said, but she ignored him._ _

__"How do you propose I do that?"_ _

__"I dunno. Go back to Oslo for a while?"_ _

__"Now, that's a good idea" Even said._ _

__"I can't go to Oslo" she told them._ _

__"Why not?" Even asked her._ _

__"And stay where? Eva and Jonas are still on their honeymoon, you and Even just moved in and—"_ _

__"Have basically always been on some sort of honeymoon?" Eskild said, earning himself a look from Isak._ _

__"You don't have to stay with anyone. Magnus is moving in with Vilde next week" he said, and she looked at him, puzzled._ _

__"That's right!" Even turned to him and said, having realized what Isak had in mind._ _

__"What?" Eskild asked._ _

__"He's been staying at the flat, ever since Astrid threw him out. There's still a couple of months until we have to let it go, and we were just going to lock it back up once he moved out, anyway" Even explained._ _

__"So?" Noora asked, confused._ _

__"Stay at the flat. Mags isn't taking any of the furniture with him. We can clean it up a bit and you can stay there, for as long as you need" Isak said._ _

__She looked as though she was actually considering the idea, and as Isak watched her, he noticed Eskild looking rather glum._ _

__"That way you can both take some time off. You can figure things out and Eskild can just, help" he said, making Eskild beam._ _

__"I don't know. I can't just pack up and go back to Oslo for a month"_ _

__"Why not? You haven't taken time off from work in years, Noora" Eskild said._ _

__"Could you do it?" she asked him._ _

__"I own the agency, I can do whatever I want" he said._ _

__"What would I tell William?"_ _

" _'I'm leaving for Oslo for a while'_? Isn't that what he said when he went to Germany?" 

__"You don't have to decide now. Just think about it" Isak said._ _

__"Would that really be okay?" she asked, Even more so than Isak._ _

__"Of course it would" Even told her._ _

__"It's a permanent offer. Just know you have the option" Isak said._ _

__"Listen to him. Isak's very wise" Eskild said._ _

__"I'll think about it" she said, smiling._ _

__"Good" Even said, taking his napkin from his lap and wiping his lips. "You guys finish catching up, I have to go to work" he continued._ _

__"Already?" Noora said. "Are we having lunch tomorrow?"_ _

__"Of course" he kindly said._ _

__"We should go out while Isak's here" Eskild suggested._ _

__"Oh, there's this great bar downtown I just know you'll love" Noora told him._ _

__"Yeah?" Isak said._ _

__"Well, you guys talk it over and whatever Isak decides is fine by me" he said, turning to face him. "I really need to go" he said, handing Isak the key-card and looking rather hopeless._ _

__"Go, baby. I'll wait for you back at the hotel" Isak said, before Even cupped his face and kissed him._ _

__He got up, smiled and walked away._ _

__Isak watched him leave, of course. When he turned back, Eskild and Noora were staring at him._ _

__"When are you going to marry that man?" Eskild asked, somewhat frustrated._ _

__Isak barely had time to react._ _

__"We were going to call you" Noora said, suddenly serious. "He was so miserable" she explained._ _

__"She's right. The poor guy was so sad, it was kinda pathetic" Eskild said._ _

__"He was?" Isak asked._ _

__Isak knew he was, but he didn't think it was as bad as apparently Noora was about to tell him it was._ _

__"He was doing okay until this week. This week he just--" Eskild said, but Noora interrupted him._ _

__"He was fine until maybe Tuesday, but after that day he kept getting sadder" she said._ _

__Monday night was the last time they'd spoke. Even had to film a few scenes on location it the countryside and they went without talking until Thursday, when he called Isak._ _

__"Did something happen Tuesday?"_ _

__"We didn't get to talk Tuesday. We only spoke when he got back, Thursday"_ _

__"That's it then"_ _

__"What?"_ _

__"Not talking. That's why he got so sad" Noora said, turning to face Eskild who nodded, looking wise. "Eskild said it probably had something to do with you"_ _

__"I'm also very wise, as you know"_ _

__"I do"_ _

__"But today?" Noora said._ _

__"Totally different man" Eskild pointed out._ _

__Isak kept looking at them as if he was a watching tennis match, head bouncing from side to side. He didn't know what to say, so he just smiled._ _

__"It's amazing how he gets when you're around" she said, and it made Isak turn and look back, out towards the front of the restaurant._ _

__He knew Even wasn't there, of course. He just... hoped he would be._ _

__\\\_ _

__Even got back to the hotel a little after 9 pm. When he walked in, he found Isak watching TV, completely under the covers._ _

__"Hey, you" Isak said. "How was your day?"_ _

__"Babe? Why are you in bed?" he asked._ _

__"I was cold"_ _

__"Cold? Are you sick?" Even asked, concerned._ _

__"No, not sick. Just naked" he told him, casually._ _

__"Naked?"_ _

__"I'm a man of my word" he said, biting his lip._ _

__"And I'm the luckiest" Even said, beaming._ _

__\\\_ _

__As they lay in bed together, Isak was on his back, with Even lying next to him on his stomach. He had his right arm stretched over Isak’s chest and his head was on his his shoulder, allowing Isak to feel even’s breathing on his neck._ _

__“What’s on your mind, babe?” Even eventually asked him._ _

__Isak had been staring at the ceiling for the better part of ten minutes._ _

__“I was— I was actually thinking about something the guys said last week when we went out”_ _

__“What did they say?”_ _

__“It wasn’t an actual topic, it was more of an interjection of sorts? We were talking about something and Magnus made this remark about you”_ _

__“Oh?”_ _

“How you’re _‘the one I marry’_ ” 

“I **am** the one you marry” he said, smugly. 

__Isak smiled._ _

__“Yes, you are”_ _

__They went quiet for a few moments._ _

__“It just led to me and Jonas talking about something that was bothering me at one point, something I hadn’t really talked about in a while”_ _

__“What was it that was bothering you?”_ _

__“Nothing, I was just being stupid”_ _

__“You’re never stupid, babe”_ _

__“Yeah, well that’s just a lie” he said, and Even instantly pressed his hand on his skin and kissed his shoulder._ _

__“I was just— It doesn’t matter”_ _

__“You don’t have to tell me, it’s cool”_ _

__“No, it’s nothing like that. It’s not something I don’t want you to know or anything like that. But if I say it, not only will it sound stupid, it’ll also seem like something it isn’t”_ _

__“It’s one thing to not tell me, but confuse me?” he says, kind as always._ _

__“We were talking about when you proposed the first time”_ _

__“You were?”_ _

__“Jonas and I, not all of us”_ _

__“Mahdi and Magnus don’t know?”_ _

__“No. I only told Jonas”_ _

__“Why?”_ _

__“Back then, I only did it because I needed to talk about it”_ _

__“Why didn’t you talk to me?”_ _

__“Because I thought you didn’t want to? We just never did discuss it after that night”_ _

__“Yeah, I know”_ _

__“Anyway—“ Isak started talking, but Even interrupted him._ _

__“You always separate things I say while manic from the things I say and do while I’m not”_ _

__“I know”_ _

__“Which is great, only that time—“_ _

__“What about that time?” Isak asked, intrigued._ _

__“I wasn’t saying it because I was manic”_ _

__“Yes you were, Even”_ _

__“I know, but it wasn’t like when I’m mean without realizing it. It wasn’t like that”_ _

__“How so?”_ _

__“I can be manic and make sense, Isak”_ _

__“I know that”_ _

__“I can be manic and understand something, it’s not like I go nuts for the duration and become completely unfit”_ _

__“I know that”_ _

__“I know you do” he said, adjusting himself on Isak’s shoulder and pulling himself closer._ _

__“You didn’t understand it, then” he said._ _

__“What?” Isak asked._ _

__“The proposal. I always thought you just wrote it off as some delusion I had, and it wasn’t the case”_ _

__“Oh”_ _

__“But at the time I couldn’t explain it, not in any way that would made sense. So I just—“_ _

__“Pretended you never said it” Isak finished his sentence for him._ _

__“I thought it was best” Even said, quietly._ _

__So much so, Isak could barely hear him._ _

__“Why?” he asked Even._ _

__“Wasn’t it?”_ _

__“In hindsight? Maybe. I don’t know”_ _

“Would you have said _yes_ if I wasn’t manic?” 

__

__

“I didn’t say _yes_ because you were manic” Isak told him, seriously. 

__“Yes you did” he simply said._ _

__“No, I didn’t”_ _

__“Yeah. You did” Even said, slowly, as if trying to remind Isak._ _

__“I didn’t, baby” Isak assured him._ _

__“You didn’t?”_ _

__“No. That was just it—”_ _

__“You—“ Even said, stopping as he lifted his head up and looked at Isak._ _

__Isak simply looked back at him, without saying anything for a beat._ _

__“But you—“ he began to say but stopped himself. He looked at Isak in such a way that was almost disconcerting. “You said you’d only do it after I was better”_ _

__“So?”_ _

__“Oh my God” he said, and it was as if he was struggling to understand._ _

__“Even—“_ _

__“I didn’t— I thought you only did it because—“_ _

__“Because of what?” Isak asked him._ _

“I thought you were being **you**. I thought you only did it to be kind” 

__“Sorry” Isak said, shaking his head. “I keep telling you I’m not that kind” he added, trying to lighten the mood._ _

__“So, when we set a date—?”_ _

__Isak said nothing._ _

“You said _yes_ to me?” 

__Isak nodded._ _

“You said _yes_ to me” 

“Of course I said _yes_ to you, Even. My answer has always been _yes_ ” 

__“So, when I didn’t talk about it—?”_ _

__“I just assumed you changed your mind”_ _

__“Oh my God!” he said, sitting up on the bed._ _

__Isak did the same, keeping his back to the headboard, facing Even._ _

__“I couldn’t know—” Isak tried explaining._ _

__“Why didn’t you ask me? Why didn’t you bring it up?”_ _

__“I could live with you changing your mind, Even" he said. "I don’t think I could live with you telling me why you changed your mind” he told him, shaking his head._ _

__“You thought it was you?” he said, looking so unbelievably distressed._ _

__“Well, maybe not just me, but... yeah”_ _

__“You thought there was something about you, didn’t you?”_ _

__Isak didn’t answer._ _

__“What did you think, Isak?”_ _

__“It doesn’t matter, Even—”_ _

__“It does to me. What did you think?”_ _

__“I thought that… Maybe… Maybe there was something about me that made you not want to—“_ _

“About you? No! I never thought that, there’s nothing about you that would make me—“ he said, almost desolate. “You’re **you** , Isak, you’re my— There’s no way I would ever think there was anything about you I wouldn’t want” 

__Isak didn’t say anything. He simply reached out and grabbed Even’s hand by the fingertips of his ring and middle fingers, pulling him closer._ _

__“All this time— But— You proposed” he said, closing his hand on Isak’s and pulling it back to him._ _

“Of course I proposed" he told him. ”You're **you** " 

__“I never changed my mind, Isak. You need to understand that. I need you to know it, really know it—”_ _

__“I do, I get it. Honest”_ _

__“I never changed my mind, Isak” he repeated, as if unable to hear him. “I made it up, years ago. Long before I asked”_ _

__“You don’t need to feel bad about this, Even. Everything we had since then? All these years? We had a life… I wouldn’t change a thing, not a single thing”_ _

__“You wouldn’t?”_ _

__“Not a second of it, no”_ _

__“I’m sorry, though. I’m sorry you ever thought that it was you. It would never— Isak, I would never—“_ _

__Isak moved his body forward, letting go of Even’s hand and placing both hands on either one of his shoulders, pulling Even to him as he climbed on his lap and he put his hands on Isak’s hip._ _

__“Even, it’s okay. Really” he said, cupping his face._ _

“You said _yes_ to me? That night?” he all but whispered. 

“Baby—“ Isak said, softly. “It’s always been _yes_ ” 

__\\\_ _

__On Sunday morning, when Isak woke up, Even was still asleep._ _

__He watched him for a good ten minutes, like he often did whenever possible. Even had always been such a quiet, peaceful sleeper. It always amazed Isak, how even after the cruelest of days, after having to fight so hard against that shadow Even would sometimes need to battle, he could still close his eyes and fall asleep and relax in such a way it sometimes took Isak closer inspection in order to make sure he was in fact, still in slumber. He barely moved, sometimes waking up in the very position he had fallen asleep in the night before, and he would almost always breath thorough his nose, hardly ever through his mouth. The only sound he tended to make involved the words Even would say during his sleep. Usually he would mumble, with most words being inaudible and short in both length and duration. Other times, however, Even would speak as clear as if awake, forming sentences easily understood, and while they mostly reflected what had happened the day before or some particular worry Even had, they would, more often than not, involve Isak.  
He had done it that night, a few hours before Isak woke up. As he turned to move, he uttered the phrase ‘I can’t believe you’re here’ to Isak, and the only reason Isak knew he did it in his sleep was because the second after he said it, he started to speak about something else, mumbling as he adjusted himself at Isak’s side._ _

__After what felt like mere seconds, Isak carefully got up and went to the bathroom to shower._ _

__As he stood under the showerhead, he had his head down and had one arm stretched out in front of him, pressed firmly on the wall, as the water ran from his head all the way down his back._ _

__Isak didn’t notice as Even walked in. He didn’t even hear the glass door opening, as Even joined him._ _

__He did, however, feel Even’s hand on his back._ _

__“Can I help you?” he said, without turning around._ _

__Even didn’t say anything. Instead, he leaned in and kissed Isak’s neck, softly._ _

__Isak turned around and put both arms around Even’s neck as he kissed him._ _

__“Morning” Isak said, once he pulled away._ _

__Even smiled._ _

__“Did I wake you?” Isak asked._ _

__He shook his head._ _

__Even looked him up and down, before putting his hands on Isak’s hip and pulling him close._ _

__“Don’t go” he finally said, as he held Isak._ _

__Isak smiled. He didn’t know what to say, but he knew he didn’t want to say that ‘he had to’._ _

__“Don’t go, Isak” Even repeated, this time looking more serious as he tightened his grip._ _

__Isak held one hand up against the side of Even’s face, and was certain he had never seen anything as beautiful as Even closing his eyes, the moment Isak’s hand touched his skin._ _

__“I know you have to” he said, still with his eyes closed. “But, don’t” he added, as he opened them._ _

__Isak could swear he was looking right through him._ _

__“You’re so beautiful” he told him, and as he did, he turned and had Isak walk back a step, having his back against the wall._ _

__He pressed his forehead against Isak’s, put both palms on his hip and kept pressing it, alternating between pushing him to the wall and pulling him closer, as if he couldn’t decide._ _

__Isak turned around and Even immediately kissed his back, running both hands down his thighs and back up his hip._ _

__Then he turned him back so he could face him._ _

__“No” Even said. “I want to look at you”_ _

__Isak cupped his face and kissed him, and as Even bent down so he could grab Isak’s thighs again and lift him up, Isak locked his legs around Even’s waist, putting both hands on either one of his shoulders, closing his fingers as Even slid inside him._ _

__“Don’t go” he said._ _

__\\\_ _

__“We can’t seem to leave hotel rooms whenever we’re in London together” Isak said, as he and Even lay in bed together._ _

__They both were lying on their sides, facing each other._ _

__“What time is your flight tomorrow?” Even asked him._ _

__“Twelve-thirty” he said._ _

__“Will you be there in time for your lecture?”_ _

__“Uh-huh” he nodded. “It starts at five pm, but I’m only scheduled to go on at six”_ _

__“What will you talk about?”_ _

__“I’m proving Infinity exists”_ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__“Yep”_ _

__“I wanna see that”_ _

__Isak smiled._ _

__“Dr. Pedersen called” Isak mentioned._ _

__“He did? When?”_ _

__“Friday. Right before I boarded” he said. “He asked if we could change the date of our appointment”_ _

__“Why?”_ _

__“He won’t be in Oslo that week”_ _

__“Did you reschedule?”_ _

__Isak shook his head._ _

__“Why not?”_ _

__“I wanted to talk to you first” he said. “I didn’t know if you’d be in town, either” he added._ _

__“I’m not missing your appointment, babe” he told him. “Whenever he’s available works for me, I’ll be there”_ _

__“Okay” Isak said._ _

__“Is it okay to reschedule? You know, in terms of—“_ _

__“He said it doesn’t matter, as long as we do one final round of tests”_ _

__“That’s good”_ _

__“I guess”_ _

__"When are the tests?"_ _

__"I... haven't scheduled those either" Isak admitted._ _

__"You need to tell me when you do, so I can be home to drive you" he told him._ _

__"Okay"_ _

__They went silent for a minute._ _

__“Are you nervous?” Even asked._ _

__“No, not really” he honestly said. “I don’t know how I’ll be the week of the appointment, but—“_ _

__Even smiled._ _

__“I just want to do this before the wedding” Isak said._ _

__“Why before?”_ _

__“I just prefer it”_ _

__“It doesn’t change anything, though”_ _

__Isak didn’t speak._ _

__“Isak?”_ _

__“What?”_ _

__“It doesn’t change anything, right?”_ _

___“I hope not”_ was all he could think._ _

__\\\_ _

__That night, when Isak got out of the shower, Even was in bed, watching TV._ _

__"Anything good on?" he asked him as he got on the bed, wearing nothing but a towel that was wrapped around his waist._ _

__It took Even a minute to concentrate._ _

"I, um. I'm waiting for a _Bake-off_ re-run to start. I love Mary Berry" he said. 

__He noticed Isak had started watching the TV, smiling._ _

__"You know this show?" Even asked._ _

" _Blackadder_? I do" he said, eyes fixed on the screen. "I used to watch it after school when I was a kid. There was this channel on cable that had it on everyday" 

__"Is it any good?"_ _

__"You've never seen it?" Isak asked, turning to face him._ _

__"Nope" he said, shaking his head. "I only left it there because I recognize the actor from Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean I liked" he said._ _

__"It's very good" Isak said, laughing at a scene that had Baldrick reciting poems._ _

__Even smiled, watching as Isak laughed. Then he turned serious, hesitant._ _

__"By the way" he said. "While you were in the shower, Sonja called"_ _

__"Oh?" Isak said, mindlessly._ _

__It took him a while to compute the information, though. He'd been too focused on the show. When it dawned on him what Even had said, he felt as though he should probably continue to have his eyes on the TV for the remainder of the conversation._ _

__"She wanted to go out to dinner"_ _

__"But we're staying in. We even passed on going out with Noora and Eskild in order to stay in" Isak said, desperately trying to sound chill._ _

__"I know. I told her I had plans"_ _

__"Plans?" Isak repeated._ _

__"I think Eskild may be on to something, actually" he told him._ _

__"Eskild?"_ _

__"He and Noora said she looked a bit too friendly" he said, and Isak had to force himself not to turn around. "I didn't quite thought she was though, but then when I mentioned you were here she... changed"_ _

__"Changed?"_ _

__"Yeah, I dunno. I just thought she seemed as though she had this agenda"_ _

__"Agenda?"_ _

__"Are you mad?"_ _

__"Mad?"_ _

__"Yes, mad. Are you mad?"_ _

__"Why would I be mad?"_ _

__"I don't know, but you're repeating everything I say"_ _

__"Repea—"_ _

__"Isak"_ _

__He couldn't help himself anymore. He turned and faced Even._ _

__"What am I supposed to say, Even?"_ _

__"Why are you mad?"_ _

__"I'm not mad. I just don't really know how to react to you telling me your ex, whom you've been having dinners with, seems to be after something other than friendship. Again"_ _

__"First of all, dinner. Singular. We had the one dinner, and you said it was okay—"_ _

__"Of course I said it was okay, Even. What was I supposed to have said? No? I'm not that guy"_ _

__"I know you're not—"_ _

__"But really, just think about it for a second. You're in another city, another country, for fucks sake, and suddenly your ex - the one you cheated on with me, let's not forget that bit - shows up and wants to hang out. And what do you do? You fucking have dinner?"_ _

__"You said it was okay!"_ _

"I shouldn't have to say shit, Even! Should I have said _'Well, I'm not really loving the idea of you two sharing a meal and talking about the good ol’ days, when you two were happy and there was no infinity-obsessed guy in the picture to fuck things up, 'cause he's in another fucking country'_???" 

__"Wait. Are you jealous?"_ _

__"Ugh, you are so slow sometimes, Even!"_ _

__"You are jealous" he said, trying not to smile._ _

__"I don't think I can be jealous, actually. Not of Sonja, not really"_ _

__"Why not?"_ _

__"Because it's weird, isn't it? Being jealous of the woman who had you first? I'm not exactly in a position to just demand shit from her"_ _

__"You're not in a—" Even started to say. "Wow, you really are jealous" he said, rather surprised._ _

__Isak simply looked at him, fuming, and Even turned serious._ _

__"Isak" he said, calmly. "What I had with Sonjia? That was different"_ _

__"I know" he said, and he was almost certain he wanted to sucker punch him._ _

__"No, I mean, we were together for years, I know. But what we had? It doesn't even come close to what you and I have" he said, only it did nothing to help Isak._ _

__If anything, it only made for Isak to feel worse._ _

__"I didn't even consider that it would've made you jealous. Not Sonja, not after all this time"_ _

And Isak looked at him with his best _"you have got to be fucking kidding me"_ look. 

__"I can go months, years without seeing Sonja and I feel fine" he said, though it made very little sense to Isak why he did._ _

__He folded his arms and watched as Even spoke._ _

__"But you? Come on, babe. I can barely go three weeks without sinking"_ _

__"What?"_ _

__"I don't always handle this distance thing very well"_ _

__"Neither of us do"_ _

__"Yes, but..." he said, and he looked a little ashamed, all of the sudden. "Sometimes it's not only after weeks that I start to get sad. Sometimes it's sooner"_ _

__"Sooner?" Isak repeated._ _

__"Sometimes, yeah. Much sooner"_ _

__“How much sooner?” he asked._ _

__“Sooner, Isak”_ _

__"Why didn't you ever tell me that?"_ _

__"Why would I worry you by telling you I'm sinking because you're far away? If I told you every time that happened—"_ _

__"I don't care, Even!" Isak said, angry. "I don't care if it happens a day after you leave, or five hours after you leave or if it's when I'm at work and you're still home. You tell me. You call or text or whatever, and fucking tell me"_ _

__"Okay, babe"_ _

__"This only works because it's us, Even" Isak told him, serious. "Let's be us" he stated._ _

__"Okay"_ _

__They fell silent for a second._ _

__"Do you think you yell at me like that in all versions of us, in every universe?" Even eventually asked him._ _

__"Shut up, I didn't yell" Isak said, bursting breaking into a smile._ _

__"I was just curious" Even said, also smiling._ _

__"Probably then. Sure"_ _

__"What else is the same? In every universe, you think?"_ _

__"I dunno... Maybe..." Isak said, still somewhat annoyed. "Maybe how you feel... Or when you touch me"_ _

__Even looked at him and didn't hesitate._ _

__He unfolded Isak's arms and grabbed hold of his right hand and took it to his left thigh._ _

__"Like this?" Even asked, softly._ _

__Isak tried being blasé about it._ _

__"I guess" he said, not looking down at his hand on Even’s thigh._ _

__Even continued to look serious._ _

__"What else?" he asked._ _

__"I... Um... " Isak said, trying to focus._ _

__He turned his head to the side, briefly, and pointed at where his neck and collarbone meet._ _

__"When, um. The way it feels when you kiss me here, at the base of my neck? And your lips and your tongue, how they feel on my skin when you do?"_ _

__Even waited for Isak to look at him but Isak was, at this point, already making a conscious effort to not look at him._ _

__So Even leaned in closer and gently put his lips on Isak's neck, running his tongue slowly on his skin._ _

__Isak couldn't help it this time. He had to hold his breath as Even kissed him._ _

__"Like this?" Even asked, still so close to Isak he could feel Even breathing on his neck as he spoke._ _

__Isak let out all the air in his lungs at once._ _

__"Uh-huh" he nodded. It was all he could muster._ _

__"Anything else?"_ _

__"Possibly"_ _

__"Tell me" he said, smiling._ _

__"That thing you do on my chest?"_ _

__"I do a few things in your chest, babe" Even said, unable to sound anything but smug._ _

__Isak tried to hide a smile, which he was sure Even noticed, for he himself smiled._ _

__"Sometimes you bite it? And when you do, you do this thing—"_ _

__"What thing?"_ _

__"This thing. This— You open your mouth and your lower lip touches my chest first. Then you sort of graze your teeth against my skin, before biting it and finishing with a kiss. There's always a kiss in the end"_ _

__He looked at Even, and when he did, Even smiled and ran his tongue over his lips, before leaning in again and doing just as Isak had said._ _

__Isak couldn't even see, this time. He tried holding his breath but he had to find the air that all but escaped him, for his breathing had become heavy._ _

__Even pulled away, but only just. His mouth remained almost touching Isak's skin, and his breath made Isak get goosebumps._ _

__"Do you think... you taste the same? In every universe?" Even said, as he moved up slowly, as if paying close attention to how Isak's body reacted to his voice._ _

__"I... I dunno" Isak said, with Even's lips almost reaching his chin. "What do I... What do I taste like?" he asked him._ _

__Even smiled. When he got face to face with Isak, he slowly let their lips meet, quickly pulling away, teasing him._ _

__He glanced at his eyes and saw that Isak had them closed, and then he kissed him again, taking his time._ _

__"Raspberries" he whispered, before continuing to kiss him._ _

__\\\_ _

__They lay in bed, side by side, facing the ceiling. There was almost no light, except those coming from the city outside, as well as the bathroom light Isak had forgotten to turn out.  
With their fingers interlocked, they held their hands up, as Isak compared his to Even's in order to see how much bigger his was._ _

__One inch, he thought. One and a half, tops._ _

__"When I saw you sitting by the door?" Even said. "I thought I was hallucinating" he confessed._ _

__"You did?" Isak asked him, bringing Even's hand to his chest._ _

__"Uh-huh" he nodded._ _

__"Have you been?"_ _

__"No" he assured him. "I just thought I was"_ _

__Even went quiet shortly after._ _

__"What are you thinking?" Isak asked him._ _

__"I was thinking about my aunt, actually" he said._ _

__Isak turned on his side, still with his fingers locked together with his._ _

__"When I was little, whenever I had a bad day – and I had those quite often—" he said, mimicking Isak and turning on his side as well._ _

__"My aunt would always be there to pick me up after school"_ _

__"She would?"_ _

__"Uh-huh" he nodded. "She'd take me to the park, or to get ice-cream. Things like that. Sometimes we'd go straight to her place and watched movies all day – she had the biggest VHS collection. She was so proud she was a kid from a time when VHS tapes were a thing" he said, smiling._ _

__Isak smiled, carefully watching him as he spoke._ _

__"I never thought about how she was able to pull it off, you know? I mean, if it were you, I bet you'd try to find the logic behind it. I always just thought there was no way she could simply know when I had a bad day, so I was convinced she had superpowers" he told him._ _

__Isak smiled, resting his chin on Even's hand, who smiled and went quiet._ _

__"After she died— Long after she died, my mom, during dinner one night, mentioned how she did it. Turns out just before classes started, every year, she would go to my teachers and ask them to call her whenever I had a bad day." he said "That's how she knew to pick me up. It wasn't that our connection was too strong and she didn't have superpowers, either. She was just—"_ _

__"An awesome aunt?" Isak finished his sentence._ _

__"Yeah" Even said, smiling. "She really was"_ _

__Isak reached his hand and ran it through Even’s hair._ _

__"You do the same thing, you know" Even told him._ _

__"Me?"_ _

__Even nodded._ _

__"You always call or... show up, whenever I need you to. Just like her" he said, pausing for a second before continuing. "I dunno if someone calls you or—"_ _

__"No one calls me" Isak assured him, quietly._ _

__"Then, maybe it's your superpower" Even said, smiling._ _

__\\\_ _

__"Do you think it's full? The plane?"_ _

__"Probably" Isak said, looking around the lobby._ _

__"So" Even said._ _

__"So" Isak repeated._ _

__"I—"_ _

__They were interrupted before Isak could speak. Noora was face-timing Even._ _

__"Noora?"_ _

_"Hey Even! I tried to call Isak but it went straight to voicemail. Are you with him?"_

__"Um, yeah. Sure, hang on" he said, and Isak went around him in order to squeeze into frame._ _

__"Hey Noora"_ _

_"Isak! Hi” she waved. “I was thinking, is the offer you made still standing?"_

__"Offer?"_ _

_"The one about the flat?"_

__"Oh, that! Sure. Of course it still stands, dude"_ _

_"Yeah? Great! ‘Cause I was thinking about taking you guys up on that. Except, I was thinking of going a few days earlier. You said Magnus would leave on Thursday?"_

__"When were you thinking of going?"_ _

_"Well, Eskild can't go until Sunday, but I was thinking I'd go sooner, anyway. So, tomorrow? Would tomorrow be too soon?"_

__"No. Of course not. Tomorrow's fine. You'll just stay at our place until Thursday. No big deal"_ _

_"Yeah? Are you sure you don't mind?"_

__"We don't mind" Isak said, while Even shook his head._ _

_"Even?"_

__"Of course I don't mind, Noora. I think it'll be great" Even said, smiling._ _

_"Oh, that's good" she said, relieved._

__"Is everything okay though?" Even asked._ _

_"Yeah, yeah. I just thought about it and you're right, Isak. I think I need to decompress. Get some perspective"_

__"He is a very smart man" Even proudly said._ _

_"Yes, he is." she agreed, kindly. "Wait. Are you guys at the airport already?" she then asked._

__"Yep" Isak said._ _

_"Oh, crap! I'm sorry, I'm totally ruining your goodbye"_

__"That's okay" Even said._ _

_"I'll let you guys go. Have a safe flight, Isak!" she said, waving him goodbye and smiling._

__Then, she turned serious._ _

_"I'm already in the restaurant. So, Even? Hurry" she said, smiling and then ending the call._

__They both smiled and then looked at each other._ _

__"Daily lunches with Eskild" Isak commented._ _

__"It's fun, actually. I always tend to pull his leg a bit"_ _

__"How so?"_ _

__"He's always so scared I'm going to crack at any given second, you know? It's sweet and considerate but, sometimes I just pretend he's onto something"_ _

__"That's mean" Isak said, laughing._ _

__"Nah, he can take it" Even said, also laughing._ _

__The announcer came on, calling for the passengers from Isak's flight to start boarding, and suddenly there were dozens of people moving around them._ _

__"Shit" Isak said, looking around._ _

__"Is that you?"_ _

__"Uh-huh" Isak nodded._ _

__"Crap" Even said. "Okay, how do we do this?" he continued, nervously._ _

__"Um, I dunno? I mean, it's no big deal really. I'm seeing you Saturday"_ _

__"Right. Piece of cake. We've done this"_ _

__"Right"_ _

__They fell silent and stared at each other for a moment, clearly starting to freak out, but neither one wanting to admit it._ _

__"Just don't say anything too sad. Or emotional, in any way. You know, be casual" Isak said, unwillingly confusing Even._ _

__He couldn't help it._ _

__"Right. Um... Goodbye?" Even said, unsure._ _

__"Good-bye?" Isak slowly repeated, somewhat insulted. "No, that doesn't work" he added, shaking his head._ _

"Then what? _Tootles_? See ya?" Even suggested, jokingly. 

__They both laughed nervously._ _

__"Later?" Isak said, laughing still._ _

"Later? Perfect. Throw in a _'dude'_ there and I'll be glad to see you off" Even said. 

__They laughed, but quickly went silent again._ _

__Time was running out._ _

__Isak shook his head, and for a moment he could swear he was saying what was on his mind, but turns out he was just shaking his head repeatedly and in silence, which made him feel – and most likely look – peculiar._ _

__Even didn't say anything because, well because it was Even, Isak thought._ _

"No. No _'dude'_. I don't want you to be happy" 

__"You don't?"_ _

__"Not right now, not really" he honestly said. "Don't be sad, but don't be happy"_ _

__He was beginning to ramble, and he knew Even noticed._ _

__"Let me know when you arrive?" Even asked him._ _

__"Uh-huh" Isak nodded. "I'll text"_ _

__"No, don't text. Call"_ _

__"Why? What if you're busy?"_ _

__"Just call. I'll pick up"_ _

__"Okay"_ _

__Even took a step forward as if going in for a hug, but Isak took a step back._ _

__"No hugs, either. I can't take a hug" he confessed._ _

__"Isak!" he said, somewhat frustrated._ _

__"I know it's stupid, I just— For some reason this is not feeling good"_ _

__"I know" Even agreed. "But… I can kiss you?"_ _

__"I'm not leaving London without a kiss, Even" he told him, shaking his head._ _

__Even leaned in and kissed him._ _

__Isak could tell he tried keeping a safe distance, which made him melt and act stupidly._ _

__"Oh, fuck it" he said, as Even pulled away._ _

__Isak grabbed his shirt and made a fist, pulling him close for a hug that lasted a good two minutes._ _

__Neither one of them was willing to be the first to let go._ _

__The announcer came on again, calling for the passengers to board a second time._ _

__"I have to go" Isak said._ _

__"I know" Even replied, not letting go._ _

__Eventually, they did. They had to._ _

__They stood still, awkwardly facing each other, until Isak finally spoke._ _

__"Later?" he said, quietly._ _

__Even smiled._ _

__"Later"_ _

__Isak turned around and slowly walked over to the boarding cue. When his turn came, just as the woman from the airline was reaching to take his ticket, his phone rang._ _

__He immediately stopped moving and answered it._ _

__"I'm sorry, you were right. We shouldn't have done this" Even quickly said._ _

__Isak turned and looked back and there was Even, standing just where he had left him._ _

__He couldn't see his face, so he couldn't make out his expression, but he could tell he was looking at him._ _

__"I know. It was the hug. Hugging was a bad idea"_ _

__"It was, it absolutely was"_ _

_"Can you move?"_ a short, middle-aged man wearing a round hat who stood behind Isak said, bitterly. 

__"Just go around, won't you? There's plenty of room. Adapt" Isak said, annoyed._ _

__"This is stupid, it's only a few days" Isak told Even._ _

__"Exactly. It isn't like it's the first time we'll be apart" Even said. "We've been apart for a month before this weekend"_ _

__"Why does it feel so fucking awful, then?" Isak asked him._ _

__"I... I don't know" Even said, defeated._ _

__Neither of them said anything for a minute._ _

__"I'm hating this, Isak" Even finally said._ _

_"Sir?"_ the airline worker called Isak. 

__He barely heard her._ _

__"Even?" he said, after a few more moments of silence._ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"I'm gonna miss you" he said, his voice cracking as he did._ _

__"I'm gonna miss you, babe" Even told him, sounding so incredibly heartbroken._ _

__They fell silent again._ _

__"Alright, I can't see if you're also crying but if you are, just hang up. Let's just put our phones down and get through this" Isak said. "That is, if you are. If you're not, you can speak" he added._ _

_'Speak, Even'_ Isak repeated to himself, over and over in his head. 

__But Even put his phone down and ended the call._ _

__It broke Isak's heart._ _

__"Sir?" the airline worker said. "You're the only one left"_ _

__"Huh?" Isak turned to her, still holding his phone to his ear._ _

__Isak gave her his ticket and turned around one more time to see Even. He still hadn't moved, and when she gave his ticket back to him, Isak boarded the plane._ _

__

__**TO BE CONTINUED** _ _


	10. Next To Me (Part II)

It wasn't that Isak was afraid of flying, exactly. It was the taking off part that usually had his anxiety become a little difficult to control. 

He could usually keep his cool, either by closing his eyes or doing that combined with holding onto his armrest with as much strength as he could possibly muster.

That usually worked.

Not this time, however. This time Isak didn't feel better once the plane’s speed had become constant, and he didn't breathe normally as soon as the inclination of the aircraft had adjusted, either. No. Ever since boarding, Isak could tell something was different.

_"Speak, Even"_

He kept replaying that minute along with the silence that soon followed and the moment he could see Even lower his head after ending the call.

If there was one thing Isak had absolute terror of, that was the thought of breaking Even's heart, and he was pretty sure he had done just that by leaving, which was enough to make Isak feel like complete and utter shit.

From the moment Isak boarded the plane, it was as though all reasoning escaped him. As though all that had happened until that very moment was somehow less important or even borderline irrelevant. All that mattered wasn't how long they'd gone without seeing each other or even how far away they'd been from one another. It wasn't even that important that they were engaged, not at that very moment. What mattered was that they had spent a wonderful weekend together, and again they were forced to say goodbye.

_Goodbye._

That was probably one of the saddest words Isak could think of, and it bothered him to no end how much he had been saying it lately.

\\\

When Isak packed to go to London, he took his ring which had been sitting on the top of his nightstand next to his lamp and placed it in his pocket.

He had found having it at close distance proved calming, and whenever he felt as though he was getting too nervous or whenever he spoke to or missed Even, he would simply reach in and grab hold of the silver band, squeezing it tightly between his fingers while making a fist until he felt as though he was calm enough to let go.

When he went through the metal detector in the airport, Isak was forced to put the ring on the tray and part with it for little less than the two minutes it took him to pass through security. That's where his memory seemed to end.

Once it was time for the plane to take off, Isak instinctively reached down his pocket to grab his ring and try to calm down, and immediately started to freak out the moment he couldn't find it.

As soon as the fasten your seat belt sign went out, Isak all but jumped up and swiftly proceeded to take his backpack from the overhead and search it for his missing ring.

It took him almost five minutes, as well as removing every single item from inside his bag, but he found it – just when he was about to start hyperventilating.

"I did that once" a middle-aged woman with brown hair and glasses finally said, smiling kindly at him.

Isak had been so absorbed in finding the ring he had barely noticed the passenger sitting on the seat next to his, by the window.

"Sorry?" he said, still somewhat out of breath.

"Lost my wedding ring" she said, looking down at his hands and then back at him.

"Oh"

"Is it a wedding ring or an engagement ring?"

"Engagement" Isak said.

She smiled.

"And are you giving it or was it given it to you?"

"It was given it to me"

"So you said yes?"

"I did" Isak said, smiling.

"Congratulations" the lady said, also smiling. "Why not wear it?"

"We haven't told anyone yet"

"I see" she said. "When is the wedding?"

"Two weeks" he said, suddenly realizing they had very little time.

"You should probably get on that, then" she kindly said.

"I know" 

“But don’t listen to me” she said. “My marriage lasted three years, only one of which was happy”

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be. One year is still more than most people get to have” she told him. “We just weren’t a right fit. He’s a lovely man, but—“

Isak waited for her to finish but she never did.

He had always found it curious how people would open up to strangers, if only they were given the chance. It had never been his case, at least not until getting engaged and purposefully waiting to tell people. But even then, aside from the few instances in which he volunteered the information to people he barely knew, he had never gone into details.

“Have you had more than a year?” she asked.

“I’ve had seven” he said. “So far” 

“Altogether or happy?”

“Both”

“Now, that sounds—“

“Scary?”

“Important” 

“Oh” he said, awkwardly smiling.

That was one of the reasons he didn’t volunteer information to strangers all that much, Isak thought. 

“Scary, too” she told him. “Although—“

“Yes?”

“It’s a different kind of fear, isn’t it? That of losing something you already have. Something you’re sure of”

“I suppose”

“Then again, I guess it’s a matter of what that fear makes you do”

“I don’t think I understand”

“Does it paralyze you? Or does it push you forward?”

“The latter” Isak said, nodding. “Mostly”

“I thought so”

He looked at her, puzzled.

"The way you searched for the ring” she explained. “Dead giveaway”

“Oh, yeah?”

“I’m afraid so, honey” she said, smiling.

Isak looked at his hands. He was still holding onto the ring as if he had just found it.

“Is it worth it?” she asked. “Feeling all of that?” she then added, cryptically. 

He looked at her for a beat.

“For him?” It is” 

\\\

As soon as Isak got off the plane he turned his phone on and called Even.

"Hey, beautiful" Even happily said.

Isak could hear people talking loudly in the background.

"Hi, baby" Isak said as he walked through baggage claim.

"How was your flight?"

"Pretty good" Isak told him. "We landed twenty minutes behind schedule, though"

"I noticed. I kept track" Even said. "Will you make it in time for your lecture?" he then asked.

"Yeah, I got plenty of time"

"I wish I could be there to see it"

"They're broadcasting it"

"They are? Where?"

"I dunno how, but if you go to the university's page there's supposed to be a link. I think it's a Facebook live broadcast, but I'm not sure"

"It starts at five pm, right?"

"Yeah. But I'm not on until six" Isak said. "You'll probably be filming. It's okay if you can't watch it—"

"But I want to watch it"

Isak smiled.

"I love it when you speak of infinity" Even said.

"You do?"

"It's comforting" he said. "Especially when we're apart"

"It is?"

"Uh-huh. I like to think there's a universe where you didn't leave, for instance"

"Or, one where you came back with me?"

"Better" he said. "Speaking of which, after you boarded I went and bought my ticket"

"Yeah?"

"Saturday morning, 9:30 am"

"Which means you'll be mine again by 11 am?"

"Uh-huh" he said. "Though I'm yours, either way"

Isak smiled.

"I even got the marks to prove it" Even mentioned.

"Well, if we go by marks then I'm definitely yours" Isak said, mindlessly taking his hand to the base of his neck and rubbing it, gently.

"Can you hide them?"

"Who says I want to hide them?" 

They went silent for a moment.

"Babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for coming to London" Even told him, softly. "I— I really needed to see you" he then added.

"Me too" Isak said, stopping just before immigration. “I just wish I could’ve stayed for longer”

“Yeah, that would’ve been ideal”

“You know—” Isak began to say, looking down at his shoes as he did.

He couldn’t seem to keep his feet still all of a sudden.

“We just got engaged and all we do is say goodbye” he told him, going quiet for the minute that followed. “I don’t like saying goodbye” he eventually admitted, shaking his head.

“I know, babe” Even said, quietly. “Me neither” 

Isak could hear someone’s voice on the other end of the line speaking to Even.

"Isak, I—"

"You gotta go" Isak said, and though he tried to seem okay with it, he wasn’t quite sure if had succeeded.

"I’m sorry" he said. 

“That’s alright” he told him. “Go. Be brilliant” he then added.

"Can I call you tonight?"

"Yes, please"

"Later, then?" Even said, and whether he knew it or not, Isak instantly smiled.

"Later" Isak repeated.

\\\

For the rest of the day, Isak’s mood appeared to keep shifting, with him being somewhat unsuccessful at either understanding or preventing it from doing so. 

He kept alternating between moments in which he felt anxious due to how few days there were until Saturday; how fast the following weeks would probably go by until the twenty-first of December actually came; how interesting it would be to tell their friends about their engagement and see their faces and hear what they had to say.

He also kept reverting back to being frustrated about having to attend his lecture in the first place. He could see very little reason for anyone to be too interested in watching him go on about infinity and parallel universes, when in fact all he could seem to think of was how much of a waste speaking to a class full of students would be when compared to how much better his day could actually be had he stayed in London like Even had asked him to.

He had asked him to, that was another thing. 

Ever since that shower, Isak couldn’t stop thinking about what Even had said. Specifically the way he had said those words. 

_“Don’t go”_ were the two words Isak kept hearing Even speak inside his head, as if in a loop, and his reaction was no different than when he first heard those words uttered. Isak seemed rather hypnotized by them, as if the way Even had said them, almost pleadingly, was enough to all but assure Isak would go into a sort of trance, captivated by those two extremely powerful words.

Did he mean them? 

Well, of course he meant them, but was he serious? 

Again, Isak could be fairly certain Even had, in fact, spoken such words in the most serious of moods – that much was also quite clear. 

What wasn’t clear, and it hadn’t been both when it happened and right at that precise moment – at least not to Isak – was the kind of reaction that Even may have expected Isak to have following the utterance of such words, spoken as they had been, with such warmth.

_“Yes”_ was all Isak wanted to say at the time, but they both knew he couldn’t. So if that was the case, then why didn’t Isak seem to be able to stop his mind from reverting back to those minutes, when Even looked at him with such intensity and asked him to stay, showing such vulnerability Isak was still recovering from? 

Why was it that, out of all the minutes they had shared that weekend, the ones Isak couldn’t seem to move away from were exactly the ones in which he had wished to speak but didn’t? The ones that demanded of him restraint, when all his body and most of his heart kept crying out for action, as if the alternative was somehow too wrong to be considered? 

Was it the minute itself, or was it the fact that Even had actually done what Isak himself had wished to do, since before he even went to London in the first place? Or was it something deeper, and in that case what bothered Isak would be precisely the fact that what was said seemed so very lovely, but when Isak considered saying such words he would almost always feel as though he shouldn’t? 

Was that maybe it? 

He was more than used to saying absolutely every single thought that popped into his head. Even had always had that effect on him, the one in which he seemed to be able to remove Isak’s edit button, make his filter vanish and let every single thought flow out of him with almost certainty of never being judged or laughed at, but most importantly, replacing it with the conviction of being understood. 

There were other thoughts as well, of course. The ones he could successfully hide. They were fewer and no edit button or filter could ever seem to make them sound better, but they were present nonetheless, and they almost always involved Even, in one way or another.

Ever since Eva and Jonas’ wedding, ever since Isak had proposed to Even and he had not only said _yes_ , but actually made it a point to ask Isak as well, Isak had been successfully ignoring a few things. He had been so good at it in fact, that even once his nightmares began, it had taken him more than the usual amount of effort to actually start relating one thing to the other.

That’s what Isak got for getting too comfortable, he thought.

Nothing simply goes away, especially nothing which demands attention. No with him, anyway.

So now he had apparently added to his list of worries a new, rather unsettling one. The fact that Even could’ve said something Isak wished he himself had said, and that coming from Even it sounded so unbelievably lovely, but had it come from Isak would’ve been utterly unfair.

Fairness, that was it. 

That’s one thing Isak was constantly aware of, almost obsessively so. He absolutely loathed the idea of being unfair. Asking more than it was allowed, taking more than was expected. He couldn’t bare it. Especially when it came to Even.

Isak had always been aware of certain limitations he possessed. One of them being the fact that sometimes he would get so comfortable he could easily fall into the pit of unfairness were he not paying the necessary attention.

It terrified him, mostly because he saw it as a double edged blade. He couldn’t expect to always be on guard because when he was with Even he was him, more so than any other situation or with any other person. His truest self had always been saved for Even, so being truthful and still stay hidden could sound and seem like an unusual paradox, an almost inexcusable one.

Not for Isak.

He could, more often than not, be quite successful at making his case for it.

It came down to a question of care. Need, almost. 

In order to make sure he was always being fair, he had to be somewhat aware he wasn’t asking too much.

Problem was, he wanted to ask too much. He wanted it so badly.

Sometimes, he wanted nothing more than to grab hold of Even and just ask him to tell him the few words he felt he needed most to hear. 

He didn’t, of course. Not those particular words. There were a few sets of words he would most likely never use, or at the very least refrain from doing so as much as he possibly could. 

_“Don’t leave”_ or _“Come back”_ were such words Isak would all but die to use sometimes, but couldn’t.

It wouldn’t be fair of him to ask.

The thing was, Isak already asked for a lot. Whether or not that was true, whether or not that wasn’t just something borderline universal people thought about themselves, he felt it all the same.

It came down to care. In this case, care equating responsibility.

There was a heart Isak felt responsible for. A beautiful heart, and as much as he knew there was no real way of assuring that heart would never be broken, Isak could try his very best to do whatever he could not to be the one doing the breaking.

So he could take the nightmares, he could hide some insecurities. He could take that, for he knew that heart, the one he was responsible for, was being kept safe. 

\\\

Jonas, Magnus, Mahdi and Isak sat around a poker table as Mahdi dealt the cards. It was the first game in Jonas and Eva's new home, and it was also the first time they had played since the wedding. It was also the first time they did it in Jonas and Eva's new home.

Isak always took stock of firsts. He loved them. He enjoyed being able to recall all the 'firsts' that truly mattered.

Like the first day at Nissen, when he met and was befriended by Jonas; the first time he rode and fell off a skateboard; the first time he saw Even; the first time he kissed him; first time he spent the night.

Isak noticed firsts.

That night was no exception. It was the first poker night with Jonas being a married man. It also meant it was the first time Isak was playing poker with his friends since proposing to Even.

As much as Isak understood why he and Even had decided not to tell anyone, as much as he knew the idea had come from him, there was a part of him that wished nothing more than to just blurt out the words to all those present.

When he realized his desire, Isak was somewhat surprised about a new first: the first time marriage made him impossibly happy.

\\\

"I love my poker table" Jonas said, smiling at the group.

"It's so cool of Eva to get you this" Isak said.

"Was it a wedding gift?" Mahdi asked him.

"No. House warming" Jonas said, raising his eyebrows in sheer delight.

"Nice" Mahdi said, as he dealt Isak's last card.

Before he could start the hand, Mahdi's phone vibrated and he was quick to check it, smiling as he typed.

"You're awfully happy tonight" Jonas told him, glancing at Isak as he did.

"I'm always happy" Mahdi said, without taking his eyes off the screen.

"That is true" Magnus interjected.

"You're up, smiley" Isak told him, as he took a sip from his beer.

Mahdi put his phone down and joined the pot.

"I'm in" he said, without looking at his cards.

"Hey, Mags. How's Vilde?" Isak asked. "I bet five" he then added.

"She's great. I'm coming over later tonight with a few boxes" Magnus said.

"Coming over? I thought you'd be looking at rings already" Jonas said, before folding.

"Call" Magnus said before continuing. "Nah. We're taking it slow. You know, like Mahdi and Chris"

They all knew Chris and Mahdi had been hooking up since Jonas and Eva's wedding, but up until now nobody had actually discussed it or its implications all that much – at least not while Mahdi was present. But this was poker night and let's face it, this was Magnus, Isak thought, as he and Jonas looked at one another with nothing but agreement at the inevitability of it all.

Mahdi, however, remained chill, which Isak not only noticed, but also admired.

"I raise ten" he simply said, going back to focusing his attention on his phone shortly after.

"Slow? You?" Jonas pressed, as he started to roll a blunt.

"Call" Isak said.

"Yes, me. I can do slow" Magnus said, rather offended. "I fold"

"No one said you couldn't. I call" Mahdi said.

"Call" Isak said, as Mahdi flipped a seven of clubs.

"We just feel like we don't want to get too excited too soon" Magnus said, again forcing Isak and Jonas to exchange looks.

"Raise ten" Mahdi said.

"Call" said Isak. "Why not?" Isak asked Magnus.

"Call" Mahdi said, flipping an ace of spades.

"It's only been a few weeks. We're not you and Even" Magnus said, more aggressively rather than his usual honest self, Isak thought.

"What the fuck?" Jonas said.

"Dude" Mahdi said.

"I call, but also, fuck you, Mags" Isak said.

"Raise you twenty, man" Mahdi said.

"Twenty?"

"I'm just saying we're not impulsive" Magnus said, awfully chill for someone with zero chill in his track record.

"Ha! Raise twenty" Isak said.

"What?" Magnus said.

"Are you even listening to yourself? In sorry, but you're not this laid back. About anything" Jonas said.

"I call your bluff" Mahdi said, smiling at Isak.

"I resent you guys thinking I can't be chill" Magnus told them.

The last card on the table was shown, a two of hearts.

"Well, I resent you always using me and Even as these lame examples" Isak said, quite chill himself, mostly because he was showing Mahdi he had a full house, aces over sevens.

Mahdi shunned, and Isak proceeded to deal the next hand.

"You're not lame examples" Magnus told him.

"Okay" Isak brushed him off.

"You're just not hard to predict" Magnus and his bigmouth knew not when to shut up.

"Jesus" Jonas said, lighting up the blunt.

Isak laughed, dealing the cards. Mahdi was back on his phone.

"Oh, come on, like you are?" Magnus asked him.

"I don't think it's wise to continue on this topic" Isak said. To all of them, not just Magnus.

"I'm just saying, it's easy to have you two as parameters"

"Parameters for what, Mags?" Isak couldn't help but ask.

"Perfect relationships"

"Even and I aren't perfect"

"How is Even, by the way?" Jonas asked him, sharing the blunt.

"Come on" Magnus said.

"What?" Isak said, starting to get annoyed.

"I don't get why you always do this" Magnus told him.

"Is he still in London?" Jonas asked him, knowing full well he was.

"Do what, dude?" Isak asked, ignoring Jonas, who in turn tried to get Mahdi to join in and save the night.

"It's like you hate whenever we try to complement you two"

"That's not true"

"Yes, it is. You always get offended, and it's weird"

"Isak, you didn't finish dealing" Mahdi pointed out.

"No, I actually don't, Mags. I take offense on some of the things you say because they're like these harsh, unfiltered thoughts disguised as compliments. I've no problem with someone complimenting us, not when it's not in order to demean"

"I don't do that"

"Oh, yeah? What did you mean with being predictable? I'm sure you didn't mean dependable"

"I did, actually. You two don't even fight. It's like wonderland, always"

"You don't even notice when you do it, do you?"

"Do what?"

"You just did it, dude" Mahdi told Magnus.

"No, I didn't" he said, defensively. "What? Like you guys don't agree?" he then added.

"That they're lame? No, I don't" Jonas said.

"Me, neither" Mahdi agreed.

"I didn't say that! But come on, they hardly go through any real crisis"

"Fuck you, Mags" Isak said.

"And you do?"

"I'm not explaining my relationship to you, man" Isak said, throwing the deck on the table and standing up to walk off the room.

\\\

Magnus followed him to the porch.

“Isak, I—”

“It’s fine, dude. Don’t worry about it” Isak simply said, pretty tired of the whole topic.

“No, it’s not fine. I really don’t think you understood me” 

“It’s alright, Mags. Really”

“Isak—“

“No, really. I’m actually sorry” he said. “I got angry and I’m not sure it was all directed at you”

“It wasn’t?”

“Most of it was, don’t get me wrong” he said, managing a smile. “But not all of it”

“I’m just so used to you and Even being the people I look up to, sometimes I forget you go through shit as well”

“Look up to?” Isak repeated, curious.

“Come on, Isak” Magnus said. “You guys have what all of us wanted, but only some got”

“You shouldn’t compare anyone with me, dude” Isak said, honestly. “Comparing with Even, sure, that I get, but me? Nah, I’m not one to be looked up to”

“Are you insane?” Magnus asked him. “You’re awesome, Isak”

“Well, I don’t feel awesome” he admitted.

“Why not?”

“I wish I could be more like you, as a matter of fact”

“Me?” he asked, utterly surprised.

“You’re so open, Mags. I— I always analyze everything, both before and after I say it, before and after it happens. It’s fucking maddening”

“What’s going on, man?”

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it—“

“No, don’t give me that” Magnus said. “Talk to me, dude”

Isak looked at him.

“You know, I’ve never really been much of a planner, you know?”

“A planner?”

“Yeah, like Even or Vilde” he said. “I’ve always been more adept to the whole living in the moment kind of approach to life, and I think it’s a good way of going about it, except—“

“Yeah?”

“Some things you need to plan” he said. “There’s really no escaping it, sometimes”

“I guess”

“I dunno if you’re like that, but Even? When he plans something, it always works. It’s almost like a gift or something, it just never blows up in his face or anything”

“Typical Even”

“Precisely”

“But I—“

“You—?”

Isak looked at him.

“There are things I wish I could plan” he confessed. “Only I can’t”

“Of course you can”

“No, I actually can’t”

“I don’t get it”

“It’s like” he said, pausing as he thought of a better way of saying it. “It’s like I want this book, only in order for me to read it, I need to go and buy it. Thing is, I dunno if it’ll be there once I get to the store to buy it, you know what I mean?”

“Kinda?” Magnus said, unsure. “Is the book Even?”

“No” Isak laughed.

“What is it then?”

“The future” Isak told him. “A future”

“With Even?”

“Sure”

“You don’t think you two have a future?”

“I know we do” he said, so sure. “I just don’t know how long it’ll be”

“Doesn’t that depend on you?” he asked. “I mean, if you want the book, why not just grab it?”

“Doesn’t work like that”

“Sure it does, people have been grabbing books since the dawn of times, or whatever”

“I— I can’t be sure”

“Wait” he said. “The book is there, right?”

“Yes”

“And all you need to do is grab it?”

“Yes”

“Then, grab it”

\\\

Isak was still asleep when his phone started to vibrate. He reached his arm out to Even's side of the bed, clumsily feeling his way through the folds of the duvet until he finally grabbed it and, without actually looking at it, unlocked it and held it up to the ear that wasn't resting on the pillow.

"Morning, babe" Even happily said.

"Hi, baby" Isak slowly said, eyes still closed.

"Did I wake you?"

"Um... Yeah…" he all but mumbled. "I think my alarm didn't go off"

"It's pretty early" Even said. "You're not late or anything, don't worry"

"Oh" Isak said. "How early?"

"Eight-thirty am?" Even said. "Your time"

"Jesus"

Even laughed.

"I know"

“I went to bed like two hours ago” Isak said.

“Why did you go to bed so late?” Even asked.

“Couldn’t sleep” Isak lied.

“Was it your head?” Even asked, sounding worried.

Isak smiled.

“No, baby. My head is fine”

“Then why—“

But Isak interrupted him.

"Wait a minute" Isak said. "That means it's seven-thirty in London"

"Yep"

"Why on earth are you up at seven o’clock?"

"We're filming a sequence that takes place during sunrise" he said. "I've been up since four"

"Fuck me, Even"

Even laughed, but then went silent for a moment.

"I— I just had to call you"

"Yeah?"

"You see, I kept thinking about what you said yesterday"

"It's kinda too early for me to remember my own name, so—" Isak said. "Remind me what I said?" he asked.

"How we seem to be saying goodbye a lot? How you hate that we keep saying goodbye?"

"Oh" he said. "I do hate that"

"So, I figured we should say hello more often"

Isak smiled as he pulled the duvet up to properly encapsulate himself.

"I see"

"And while we were rehearsing the scene and adjusting the camera I looked up and just thought maybe you'd like to hear about this sunrise" he said. "It's still pretty faint, the blue. But the sky is so full of these candy floss-like clouds—"

"That's nice"

"They’re all white and pink"

"Wait a second" Isak said, turning over the other side of the bed so he could look out the bedroom window.

It was still dark in Oslo. 

"No candy floss-like clouds over here just yet, only stars" he told him. But the blue? It's really intense, almost indigo"

"Sounds beautiful"

They fell silent for a few moments, and Isak closed his eyes again.

"Do you want to go back to sleep?"

"No" he said. "I want to hear you speak" he told him.

Isak scooted over to Even’s side of the bed, making himself comfortable as he rested his head on Even’s pillow.

"Speak, Even"

“Okay” he quietly said. “You know, when I was little, whenever I had a bad day my mom would always tell me to wait for the next one. The next sunrise. She always said there was nothing a new day couldn't fix, so I would just stay awake and wait for the sun to rise and everything to get better"

Isak smiled.

"Did it work?"

"Not really" he simply said. "It was always beautiful, though"

"I bet"

"There are no two alike, sunrises" he mentioned. "Or sunsets, for that matter. They're always unique"

"I like that" Isak said. 

"We should go somewhere that has great sunrises and sunsets for our honeymoon"

"Sure" Isak said, smiling. "Like where?"

"India, maybe?"

"Oh, that would be awesome" Isak said. 

"Australia"

"Also awesome"

"Is there anywhere you'd like to go to?"

"I thought of Italy. Like Tuscany or Umbria. Somewhere we could rent a house and stay in for a month"

"I love that idea" Even excitedly said. "Forget mine, let's do that. I want that"

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely"

"Okay"

_"We’re ready, Even"_ Isak heard someone say.

_"Five minutes"_ Even said.

"You're going to miss your sunrise" Isak told him.

“It’s worth it” Even simply said.

\\\

Isak was in the kitchen when the doorbell rang.

As he opened the door, a beaming Noora stood outside.

“You’re early” he said, smiling and going in for a hug.

“I know, there was absolutely no traffic” she told him as he took her bags and followed her in.

“The table looks great here!” she said, noticing the round table she and Eskild gave Even and Isak when they moved.

“Yeah?” Isak asked.

Noora carefully looked around the house.

“This place is so lovely” she said. “It’s just how I pictured it”

“There’s still a few boxes to unpack and, you know, furniture to buy—“ Isak said. “But it’s almost homey”

“Absolutely”

“Are you hungry?” he asked her.

“Starving” she said, widening her eyes. “I didn’t dare eat the meal they ‘served’ on the flight” she said, making air quotes with he hands when saying the word served.

“I was just in the kitchen getting dinner ready” he said, earning himself a what the fuck look that he just reveled in.

She didn’t say anything, though. Perhaps it was the shock, Isak thought. But after she followed him into the kitchen and noticed what Isak meant, she seemed less reticent.

“Ah” she said, as Isak resumed empty the Chinese takeout boxes into different plates. “Getting dinner ready”

“This counts” he said.

“It absolutely does” she said, smiling. “It smells great” she added, as Isak handed her two plates.

He took three more plates filled with food and showed her the way to the dining room, where they sat to eat.

\\\

“So—” Isak said, taking a bite of a spring roll.

“Even is fine” she said, anticipating his question and nailing it, of course.

“Yeah?” he asked, unsure.

“Uh-huh” she nodded, as she took a bite from a vegetable dumpling. “He cancelled lunch, but I guilted him into dinner” 

“He cancelled lunch today?” Isak asked, surprised. “Why?”

“Yesterday” she said. “After he saw you off” she explained.

“Shit”

“He got really sad”

“Shit” Isak repeated.

“He said it was because of work, but Even can’t exactly pretend when it comes to you, so—“ 

Isak half-smiled, somewhat worried.

“But since Eskild wasn’t joining us, I just ordered it to go and took it to him on set”

“You did?” Isak said, absolutely loving that she did what he would’ve done.

“Uh-huh” she said. “He’s been so good to me, it was the least I could do”

“Thanks, Noora” 

She looked at him as if what he just said was absurd.

“He got better, though?” he asked, nervous.

“He did” she said. “Apparently you guys don’t excel at saying goodbye” she said, smiling.

“I don’t know how people do it”

“Trust me, goodbyes are better than waking up to a note” she said, bitterly.

“William left you a note?” Isak asked, not sure if he was able to hide his disapproval.

“He said he’s coming back next week” she commented.

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

“He said that last week, too”

“Oh”

“Part of me wishes he would, only so he could find the note I left”

“Fire with fire, I like that”

“But I don’t care” she said. “I came here to unwind, not obsess” 

“That’s the spirit”

“So, how do I unwind?” she asked, looking serious.

“You’re probably asking the wrong person that, I’m afraid” he said. “The right one is in London”

“Is he now?” she asked, raising a single eyebrow.

Isak looked at her for a moment, unable to not smile and unwilling to deflect.

“He absolutely is” he told her.

“We should have a party when he comes back”  
“I thought of that” Isak said. “But we’re already having a party Thursday”

“We are?”

“It’s not every day Noora Amalie Sætre comes back to Oslo” Isak kindly said.

“The right one doesn’t, either”

“You got a point there”

They both smiled.

As they fell silent, the doorbell rang.

“Did he hear us?” she asked, smiling.

“Good thing there’s plenty of food” Isak said, before standing up and answering the door.

\\\

Eva, Jonas, Vilde and Magnus had all gone to see Noora. They all sat down at the table and had dinner.

“I can’t believe you’re back!” Vilde said, excitedly.

“I can’t believe Isak convinced you” Eva said, looking at Isak then back at Noora.

“He made some good points” Noora told them.

“Those who can’t…” Isak said, smiling.

“Did you tell William?” Magnus asked.

“I left a note” Noora said, glancing at Isak and having him blink at her when she did.

That was when his phone lit up.

No one seemed to notice, so he simply let it go to voicemail.

“What kind of note?” Vilde asked.

“I left the same thing he left me. Word for word” she said. “Almost. I didn’t mention where I was going”

“Nice” Jonas said.

“No, not nice” Vilde said, scolding Jonas. “He’ll come back and think you left _him_ , not London” Vilde said.

“No, he won’t” Eva said.

Apparently the caller decided to insist, so the second time Isak’s phone lit up, Jonas instantly looked at him, curious.

“Hello?” Isak picked up, counting on the girls to keep the conversation going long enough until he could get up and go to the kitchen so no one would notice him.

“Of course he will. He’ll just come back to a note of her saying she left for a while and not mentioning where to?”

“Yes, this is Isak Valtersen” Isak said, trying not to look up at Jonas and standing up.

“He won’t, Vilde. I doubt he’ll even come back before I do, to be honest”  
“Oh. Hi, Dr. Pedersen” Isak said. “Sure, I can talk” he said, and the moment he did, all eyes turned to him and silence fell upon the dining room.

He was quick enough to think maybe the kitchen might not be the best place to go to, due to acoustics. He wasn’t, however, quick enough to realize the whole house was a bad place to talk without having every word echo due to the lack of furniture.

Basically, Isak was screwed.

“Yes, I spoke to him. Next week will be fine” he said, with his back to the dining room.

He couldn’t hear any noise apart from that of his own voice, echoing around the house.

“Okay, but those tests? How long before the appointment should I go in?” he asked.

Isak started mindlessly pacing around the hall, eventually getting a glimpse of the dining room and noticing Jonas and Eva looking back at him, seemingly curious.  
Magnus and Vilde were busy grilling Noora.

“I see” he said, quietly. “Do I have to— Um, do I need to be admitted or—?”

Now that was enough to get all five of them to pay attention.

“Oh” Isak said. “Okay, I’ll set the appointment as soon as I have the results then”

He stopped pacing.

“No later than next week. Got it” he said. “Thanks, Dr.”

The moment he ended the call, Isak turned and went back to the dining room, knowing full well there would be questions. Trouble was, he really didn’t feel like getting into it just then.

“Why is your doctor calling you during dinner?” Jonas asked, suspiciously.

“That was your doctor?” Vilde asked.

Eva, Noora and Magnus watched him.

“It’s nothing” he told them. “I have to go in for some tests”

“Because of last time?” Eva asked him.

“No” he said. “It’s just routine. You know, because of the crash”

“You still do checkups because of the accident?” Magnus asked.

“This is the last one, hopefully” he said, and absolutely regretted using that fucking word.

“Why hopefully?” Jonas asked, suddenly looking worried.

If Isak didn’t have such a big fucking mouth, the subject would’ve been dropped right then and there.

“I dunno” he simply said. “It’s just annoying to keep doing it”

“But it’s routine?” Noora asked.

“Uh-huh” he nodded, feeling as though that nod had earned him a special place in hell.

“Does Even always go with you?” Eva asked, unconvinced.

“Yep” Isak said, casually.

“I miss Even” Vilde said. 

“There’s nothing to worry?” Jonas asked him, point blank.

“I hope not” was all Isak could say, using that fucking word again, only this time he did it intentionally. 

\\\

Magnus and Vilde left shortly after dinner. Eva and Jonas stayed a bit longer, with Eva and Noora talking while Jonas helped Isak do the dishes. 

"The whole weekend?" Jonas asked, as Isak handed him a dish to dry.

"Pretty much, yeah" Isak said. "Except for Saturday. Even had to work, so we had lunch with Noora and Eskild and he was gone for most of the day"

"When does he come back?"

“Four days” Isak said. “This Saturday”

“Not that you’re counting” 

“I don’t care” Isak said, smiling and handing going back to washing a glass mug. "He stays for a few weeks and goes back on the 27th"

"Of December?" Jonas asked.

"Yeah" Isak said. 

Or maybe asked. 

Suddenly he realized Even was either going to have to work on their honeymoon or they would have to do a lot of rescheduling. 

"Again?"

"Uh-huh" he nodded.

"That sucks"

"Yeah" Isak said. "I don't know how it'll be after that though"

"Why not?" Jonas said.

"He hasn't talked about his next project yet. He has a couple, one in London and one here" he said. "He usually starts talking about his next film before he even begins production" he added.

"I dunno how you guys do it"

"What?" Isak said, closing the tap and picking up a cloth to help Jonas dry the remaining glasses.

"His job" Jonas said. "The more successful he becomes, the less time you two have"

"I know"

"Would you ask him to not do it?"

"Like quit?"

"No" he said, taking a plate from Isak’s hand. "Like... stay local. Would you ever ask him to stay?"

"I kinda did this time"

"You did?"

"Sorta" Isak said. "I might've mentioned how I wanted to ask him not to go" he explained.

"But you didn't actually ask him not to leave?"

"No"

"Coward" he said.

They both laughed.

"But I wouldn't want him to" he said. "I mean, I want him to, but I'd never let him, not really"

"What if it becomes this… reality?" Jonas asked. "What if he's always away?"

"I'll collect a ton of mileage"

"It'd be so—"

"Awful? Yes, it would" Isak said. "But his career would be okay, so—"

"I dunno if I wouldn't ask Eva to stay, if it were us"

Isak turned and opened the cupboard. Jonas started handing him dishes so he’d put them away.

"You wouldn't" Isak said, being one hundred percent sure.

Jonas smiled.

"Yeah, probably not"

"It's worse this time, though"

"Why? What's different this time?" Jonas asked, basically cornering Isak.

Isak knew full well he couldn't expect to flat out lie to Jonas, that being one of his main talents: calling Isak's bluff.

So, in the second that took him to respond, all Isak could do was hope that the fact they weren't facing each other would serve as a sort of bullshit buffer of sorts and help him, for once.

"I, uh— I can't seem to be okay with him being gone this time"

"You're never okay with him being gone—"

"I know, but now it's just worse"

"Because of that thing I told you?"

"What thing?"

"There's something different about you two"

"Oh" he said. "That" Isak said, closing the cupboard and turning to face Jonas.

"Yes, that" he repeated. "The thing you're purposefully being vague about"

"Why would I be vague?" Isak said, vague as fuck.

"Why, indeed" he said, as if he knew he wasn't going to get an answer. 

They went silent for a moment, while Isak opened the fridge and took out a coule of cans of beer, handing Jonas one and opening his.

"Are you two planning something for when he comes home?" Jonas finally asked him.

"We're going to his parents for dinner the night he comes back, but that's about it" Isak said.

"His parents?"

"They haven't seen him since his last episode" Isak tried to bullshit.

"So, Noora's party—?"

"The party's Thursday, or so Vilde tells me" he bitterly said. "I'm just happy Magnus isn't the one in charge of the invites"

"Is she still acting weird?" Jonas asked. “Noora?”

"Somewhat"

"And you don't know what it is?"

"Why would I know?"

"Being secretive is sorta your thing, lately"

"It is not" he laughed, and thankfully so did Jonas.

"By the way, did you have any nightmares when you were in London?" Jonas asked, curious.

"Not once" Isak said, widening his eyes.

"But, did you sleep?"

They laughed.

"Of course I slept" he said. "We weren't that desperate"

"That neck of yours tells a different story, but okay" making Isak immediately bring is hand to his neck and cover it, pretty unsuccessfully. "But it's definitely him then?" Jonas then asked.

"Absolutely" Isak said.

"But is he causing them or is he fixing it?"

"I started having them when he was still here, so I'd be inclined to say no, he's not fixing it" Isak said. "However—"

"I knew there' be a _'but'_ somewhere in there" Jonas said, smiling.

"He does make it stop" Isak pointed out.

"That's good" Jonas said. "What about since you came back?"

Isak didn’t say anything.

"Don't tell me you haven't slept since you got back"

Isak remained quiet.

"Isak—"

"It's one night"

"So?"

"I thought it'd be best to unpack"

"That is such a load of crap"

"I know" he said. "I just—"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it kind of the point of dream to like, you know, work through shit?"

"So?"

"So, why aren't you working through shit?"

"That would imply two things"

"Which are?"

"One, that I know for certain what the dreams are about—"

"Which you do"

"Kinda"

"Kinda?"

"Well, I have about 93% certainty"

"Setting aside the fact that 93% is more than enough, what's number two?"

"That I possess the disposition to work on the issue causing said dream?"

"Which you don't?"

"Again—"

"Why don't you want to work on it?"

"Acknowledging it is not really on my priority list just now"

"You prefer to wake up scared every night?"

"Of course not" he said. "I just don't think I can actually get over the issue"

“Why not?”

“Because it would involve telling him?”

“Why can’t you tell him?”

“It’s complicated”

“Fuck that” Jonas said. “Why not tell him?”

“I— I’m afraid he’ll look at me different?” Isak confessed.

“Isak—“

“And I’ve tried. I’ve tried telling him some stuff a few times. I can’t seem to be able to”

“Why not?”

“I start crying, it’s quite pathetic”

“Dude” Jonas said. “So, cry”

“What?”

“Cry” Jonas repeated. “But tell him”

\\\

After they had gone, Isak showed Noora her room, and as she got settled, he went to his room to change and call Even.

He changed into Even’s Godard t-shirt, which for all intents and purposes was Isak’s now, opened up his laptop and Skyped him.

“Hi, beautiful” a smiley Even said as he found Isak staring back at him.

“Hey, baby” he said, also smiling. “Did I wake you?” he asked.

“Nah. I was just watching some TV while waiting for you to call” he told him. “I figured tonight you’d do it later, seeing as Noora just got there”

“You figured correctly” Isak said, still somewhat admiring him. “How was your day?”

“It was good. I got a good rhythm with the cast and crew now. It figures I’d feel more confident by the last week”

“I felt the same in class today. I hate that” Isak said. “But it’s good, kinda. That way, when you go back next month it’ll be easier to adjust”

“True”

“Are you still feeling weird because of the meds?”

“Nope” he casually said. “I haven’t felt weird since you got here”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe a little when you left” he corrected himself. “But that had nothing to do with any medication”

Isak smiled.

“Dr. Pedersen called me tonight” he mentioned.

“Oh?”

“Yeah” he said, paying close attention to Even’s expression. “He wanted to schedule my appointment for next week”

“Already?”

“He felt bad for canceling” Isak told him. “So I said _yes_ ”

“Okay” Even nodded. “When?”

“Friday” Isak said. “5 pm”

“Okay” he nodded again. “What about the tests?”

“That’s just it” Isak said. “He said I need to take them a week before”

“As in five days, right?”

Isak smiled.

“I’m afraid not” he said, shaking his head. “Seven days, as in this Friday”

“This Friday?”

Isak nodded.

“But—“

“I know”

“I’m only flying in on Saturday”

“I know, baby”

“Well, maybe if I—“

“Even”

“Huh?”

“You don’t have to go with me”

“You’re not doing this alone, Isak”

“It’s just some tests. I’m more than used to them by now”

“Can’t he see you Monday instead?” 

“He said Friday was his last opening until next year”

“Shit”

“It’s fine. Really”

“Do you need to be admitted?”

“Only for the duration, which means the afternoon”

“Isak—“

“I’ll be fine, baby” Isak assured him. “Honest”

“And we can’t wait until next year?”

“I don’t want to” Isak told him. “I want to do this before the wedding”

“Why?”

When Isak was about to answer, Noora knocked on his door.

“Sorry” she said, as she half opened the door and stuck her head in.

“Don’t be silly, I’m just talking to Even” Isak said. “Come in”

She walked over to their bed and leaned in to see the screen.

“Hi, Even!” she cheerfully said, waving.

“Hey, Noora” Even said, smiling. “How was your trip?”

“Oh, it was great” she said, sitting down next to Isak. “It feels so good being back, if only for a while”

“I told you” Even said.

“And your house? I’m so in love with it”

“Yeah? Me too” Even said, looking at Isak.

“Listen, I really don’t want to bother you guys, it’s just that—“ she said, turning to Isak. “The duvet that you said was in the closet?”

“Yeah?” Isak said.

“Isn’t in the closet” she said, awkwardly.

“No? Shit” Isak said, turning to Even. “Can you wait?” he asked him.

“Of course” Even simply said, trying to wink.

Isak smiled, got up and left the bedroom.

“How was lunch with Eskild?” Noora asked, making herself comfortable in front of Isak’s computer. 

“It was good” Even answered.

“Did you guys miss me?”

“Of course” Even kindly said. “How are things in Oslo?”

“Good” she said. “They’re throwing me a party”

“Yeah? When?”

“Thursday”

“Nice” he said. “Do you— Is Isak—“

“Okay?”

He didn’t answer her.

“I think he’s missing you” she said. “And I think he’s worried . He’s always worried”

“Yeah, I know”

“What can I do?” she kindly asked.

When he was about to answer, Isak walked back in the bedroom.

“There” he said. “I put it on the bed, and I put some extras in the closet as well, just in case”

“Oh? Thanks" she said, looking at Isak before turning to face the screen. "Bye, Even! Text me that address” Noora said, sounding cheerful. 

“Night, Noora” Even said, smiling. "I will"

Isak sat back down in bed, facing the computer.

“I put her in the wrong bedroom” he mentioned.

“It happens” 

“Where were we?” Isak asked, but quickly regretted it.

“You were about to tell me why is it you need to have this appointment before the wedding”

“Oh”

“Yeah, you’re not dodging this one” Even said. “Not tonight”

“I just prefer it”

“I can see that” Even said. “Question is, why?”

“I don’t want to wait two more months, Even”

“I get that, I absolutely do” Even said. “However, I feel like that’s… how is it you tend to call it?”

“Bullshit?” Isak said, rolling his eyes.

“Ah, yes. Bullshit”

“It isn’t bullshit”

“Good, because Dr. Pedersen said there was no need to rush, and it really doesn’t change anything, so—“

“Yes, so you keep reminding me, but—“

“Why, then?”

“Even, let’s just not—“

“Sorry, babe. I just have this feeling you may be doing something I wouldn’t necessarily agree with—“

“I just don’t want to do it after it, that’s all”

Just as he spoke, Noora gently knocked on his door again, opening it soon after.

“Why can’t it wait until we’re married? Why would you need to do it before the wedding?” Even asked him, clearly not having heard the door.

And just like that, Noora was the first to find out about their engagement.

“ **What?!** ” she all but yelled.

“What?” Isak asked her, purely on reflex.

“What?” Even asked Isak, looking rather desperate.

“You’re getting married?!” she said.

Again, borderline screaming.

Isak instinctively closed his eyes, opening them up to find Even had both hands covering his mouth and was wide-eyed.

“Well, that’s on you” Isak told a petrified Even.

“You’re getting married?!” she repeated, holding both hands over her heart. “You and Even?” 

“Yes, we are” Isak said, smiling.

To be honest, he was relieved someone knew. He did plan on making Even’s life hell because of it, of course. But he was happy it was Noora.

She immediately ran to hug him, giving Isak the biggest of kisses and then turning to Even.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” she said, extremely high pitched. “I’m so happy for you!” she added, hugging Isak again.

“We haven’t told anyone yet” Even said.

“We’re waiting until Even comes back” Isak explained.

“How did this happen?” she asked Isak. “ _When_ did this happen?” she then turned and asked Even.

“Isak proposed—“ Even said.

“You proposed?!” she said, excited.

“At the wedding” Isak told her.

“The wedding?!” she very loudly repeated.

Even looked so happy, Isak noticed.

“Oh my God!” she said, going back to hugging Isak. “Where will it be? Do you need help? Can I help? I can’t wait to help you plan it all—“

“We’ve been sort of just enjoying it?” Even said.

“We actually only figured out the date, so far—“ Isak said.

“You set a date?! And actual day in which you’ll be married?!”

Isak looked at Even and they both smiled.

“December 21st” he said.

“Oh my God!” she said, tearing up and holding both hands over her mouth. “I'll be here on December 21st! This is such good news, I can’t even—“

As Noora hugged Isak, he kept his eyes on Even.

“I— I can’t even remember what I came to ask” she said, laughing as she stood up again. “I’ll just go back to my room and wait for you guys to finish talking”

“Okay” Isak said.

“I’ll want details, you know” she told Isak, pointing.

“I do. I’ll be right there” Isak said, smiling.

She got out and closed the door behind her.

Even and Isak stared at one another for a moment, taking it in.

“Sorry” Even eventually said. “I’m so sorry”

“Don’t be” Isak said. “That felt good”

“Didn’t it?”

“Did you see how happy she looked?” Isak pointed out.

“I’m just happy it’s someone we both know and not some stranger for once” Even said, smiling.

\\\

The afternoon that followed, Isak answered the door to a strange-acting Magnus.

“We need to talk” Magnus said, as soon as Isak opened the door.

He walked in before Isak got a chance to invite him.

“Hey, Mags” he said. “What’s up?”

“Is Noora here?”

“Um, no” Isak said, somewhat confused by both the question and the way Magnus was behaving. “She and Sana went out to shop or something“

“What the fuck is going on, Isak?”

“What do you mean?”

“That talk about books the other night? What was that about?”

“That was just—“

“Did it have something to do with your doctor calling in the middle of dinner?” he asked, almost angry. 

“Magnus, that—“

“Don’t, dude” he said. “If you can’t or won’t tell me, it’s fine. But don’t lie, and don’t treat me like I’m slow”

“I don’t think—“

“Are you okay?”

“Why are you asking this?”

“Because you’re my friend, Isak” he said, and all the anger vanished as he spoke. “You’re my friend and if you’re not okay, I want to know so I can help”

Isak stared at him for a moment.

“Do you want a beer?”

“Please” he said, angry and yet still friendly, a feat only Magnus could pull off, Isak noted.

He led the way into the kitchen, with Magnus following as though he had somewhere to be.

Isak opened the fridge and took two bottles of beer, opened both and handed one to Magnus.

“The night of the accident” he said, right after drinking almost half of his beer. “I had surgery, remember?”

“Of course I remember”

“There was a hematoma they had to get out”

“Okay”

“Thing is… there was a second one they found” he said. “One they couldn’t get to”

Magnus looked so confused.

“You have to have surgery again?”

“No, Mags”

“I don’t get it”

“They didn’t remove it because it’s in a place you just… can’t”

Suddenly, Magnus went from looking confused to looking terrified.

“I need something stronger” he said, and he looked as though he had swallowed something bitter. “Do you guys have whisky or vodka or—?”

“Sure” Isak said, as he turned to open the pantry and came back from the inside with a bottle of tequila”

“Is tequila okay?” he asked Magnus.

“We’ll find out” he said, pointing at the table, as if showing Isak where his glass should be.

Isak took two shot glasses from the cupboard and placed one in front of Magnus and one in front of him. He then filled both glasses with golden tequila and watched as Magnus drank it in two seconds, immediately signaling his empty shot glass as soon as it hit the table.

Isak filled his glass again and, this time, drank his at the same time as Magnus.

“If they can’t…”

“That’s why I need the tests” Isak told him. “I’ve been having regular checkups since I was discharged in order to control it”

“How do you control it?” he asked. “More” he added, pointing at his empty glass.

They both drank another shot.

“You can only watch and see if it grows or if your body absorbs it” he explained. “Ideally, your body should absorb it”

“Is that what happened?”

“Kinda? It’s been getting smaller”

“How much smaller?”

“The size of a fingernail maybe?”  
Magnus looked down at his hand and immediately opened his eyes as wide as he could, clearly horrified.

“The smallest fingernail” Isak tried to lessen the shock.

“So, you just need to keep controlling it?”

“That’s what they’ve been doing” he said. “Now it’s time to see if it all went as planned”

“What does that mean?” Magnus said.

This time he took the bottle from Isak’s hand and poured them both a shot himself.

“Times up” Isak said. “It’s either gone or—“

“Or?”

“Or it isn’t”

“And if it isn’t?”

“Surgery”

“You just said they couldn’t do surgery”

“They can’t. Not without some risks”

“What kind—“

Isak decided to interrupt him. He figured if they kept doing this back and forth they’d soon go through the bottle without reaching half of the story.

“Memory loss, motor function impairment, loss of speech…”

“Jesus”

“Magnus—“

“So when you said you didn’t know the book was there? When you said you were afraid of planning a future with Even, it wasn’t because you’re not sure of him”

“Of course not. I’m sure”

“It’s because you don’t know if you two will—“

“Have one for long, yes”

“Jesus”

“It’s okay, Mags”

“Does Even know?”

“Of course”

“Jonas and Eva?”

Isak shook his head.

“Only Even” he said. “And now you”

“Oh”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds—“

“Oh, fuck that, man”

“I know, but—“

“When will you find out?”

“Next week”

“Will you—“ Magnus said but stopped for a minute, turning quite serious. “Will you tell me?”

“Of course, Mags” Isak said. “I’ll tell you”

“I—“ Magnus started to say but stopped once the doorbell rang.

\\\

Isak opened the front door to find Yousef and little Isak.

“Uncle Isak!” little Isak said, beaming and holding out both arms and wrapping them around Isak’s leg.

“What’s this?” he said, looking down. “What’s this tiny human doing here?”

“I know, we’re early” Yousef said.

“Nonsense” Isak told him, making room so he’d walk in. 

As he said it, Magnus came out from the kitchen.

“Hey guys” he said, somewhat drunk.

“Uncle Magnus!” Isak said, excited.

He rubbed little Isak’s head and shook Yousef’s hand.

“My uber’s here” he told Isak, putting his car keys on Isak's open palm . “Call me later?” he added, worried.

“Will do”

Magnus grabbed Isak by the shirt and pulled him in for a very tight, very long hug.

When he pulled away he didn’t say anything, but merely looked at Isak with such worry.

“See you at the party” he said before walking away.

“Is he okay?” Yousef asked Isak as they both watched Magnus try and walk to the car in a straight line.

Before Isak could answer him, they were interrupted by little Isak.

“Uncle Even!” little Isak called out, very loudly.

“Uncle Even is in London, Isak” Yousef told him.

“He’ll be back on Saturday, though” Isak said, closing the door behind them and picking Isak up.

He led the way to the living room, siting on one sofa as Yousef sat on the other. Little Isak refused to let go of Isak’s neck, which Isak had absolutely no problem with.

“Saturday? That’s good” Yousef said.

“Tell me about it” Isak said. “You guys want something to drink? How about you, bud?” he asked Isak. 

“We’re good, thanks” he said. “Actually, I was sort of hoping you’d be alone” he added.

Yousef looked extremely uncomfortable.

“Oh?” Isak said, taking his phone and unlocking it so he could hand it to little Isak to play.

“Is Sana talking to you?”

“Um—“

“About us, I mean”

“Oh” he said. “Kind of. I mean, she’s mentioned you were going through some stuff and she told me when you guys started therapy”

“So you know?”

“I know what she tells me, dude” he told him. “She hasn’t been too specific, if that’s what you’re asking”

“No, that’s not what I’m asking” he said, defeated. “I— I want your help, Isak”

Isak looked at him and then at little Isak.

“Wait a second” he told Yousef.

He got up and went to the study, where he took a medium sized cardboard box, still unopened, and went back to the living room.

“Here” he said, placing the box on the floor and signaling little Isak to go to him.

“What’s that?” Yousef asked, as he watched both Isak's open the box.

“This” Isak said, smiling. “Is **his** box” he said, widening his eyes and opening his mouth as if surprised, to which little Isak mimicked, thrilled.

The box contained a couple of board games, some stuffed animals, toy cars and coloring books, as well as a ton of drawing paper and crayons.

“If you get bored, we can always watch one of the movies uncle Even watches with you” Isak told him.

“Wizard!” little Isak instantly said, excitedly.

“Sure, we can watch that” Isak said, smiling. “I’m just going to talk to your dad for a bit, then we’ll watch the Wizard of Oz, deal?”

“Deal!” he said, taking out the drawing pad and his crayons, then proceeding to scribble.

Isak made sure to put the box down on the hall, that way they’d be able to keep an eye on him and still talk without him listening to them.

“No wonder he loves coming here” Yousef kindly said. “Even I would, if I had my own box”

But Isak simply smiled, not sure how long they had before Sana and Noora got back from wherever they had gone to.

“So” he said, sitting back down and facing a nervous Yousef.

“I need help, Isak”

“Dude, you’re asking me?”

He smiled.

“You’re her best friend” he said. “And you’re good at this”

“I can’t claim to know what’s best for you two, Yousef” he said. “I’m a mess”

They both laughed.

“Still” he said. “You and Even are awesome together”

“That’s because _he’s_ awesome”

“Nah” he simply said. “I don’t buy that”

Isak smiled.

“Okay” he finally said. “How can I help?”

“I can’t lose her, Isak” he said, almost desperate. “Am I losing her?”

“Yousef—“

“I know— I don’t want you to betray her confidence or anything” he said. “I just— I just need—“

“What do you need, man?”

“Tell me how I can fix it”

“Do you want to fix it?”

“Yes” he said, at once. “Of course I do”

“You’re not losing her” he told him. “Not yet”

“If it were you, what would you do?”

“See, that doesn’t work” he said, feeling awful because he’d now had this conversation with both sides of the relationship and felt as though he couldn’t properly help either. 

“Why not?”

“You’re not me and Even”

“I know”

“But I guess it’s better for me to say from what I’ve experienced instead of trying to somehow put myself in your shoes, so—“

“Okay”

“Remember when me and Sana were in college? You guys were almost engaged and everyone seemed to be coupled up and having these great relationships?”

“Kinda. Yeah”

“Well, everyone had someone. You and Sana, Vilde and Magnus, Jonas and Eva weren’t together but were both seeing other people—“

“You and Even”

“Yes” he said. “Except, Even and I were the only ones who seemed to be headed to a break up or some sort of ending. Remember that?”

“I do” he said, serious. “All you did was fight”

“Every day, about everything”

“Why did you fight so much?” he asked, suddenly curious.

“I was about to start my senior year, and he had his documentary to finish before graduating and was stuck” he said. “He also was seeing a new doctor who wanted him to give up his lithium, and when I said he shouldn’t, he started resenting me”

“Oh”

“Point is, I had stuff to worry about and so did he. And for some reason we couldn’t seem to agree on anything”

“I remember. You guys had some awful fights”

“We almost ended”

“Why didn’t you?”

Isak smiled, as if remembering.

“No matter how bad our day was – and we had some pretty bad days” he told Yousef, who nodded in agreement. “Every night, every single night, we’d go back to the flat and no matter how awful our day had been, things would always happen more or less the same way as they did every other night”

Yousef kept carefully paying attention.

“We’d get home and Even would immediately go to the kitchen to cook some dinner, while I went to have a shower and change. When I was finished, I’d get to the dining room and the table would be set and he’d be waiting for me so we could eat together”

“Yeah?”

“No matter if we were speaking or not. Sometimes we’d go through dinner in complete and utter silence” he explained. “But after we ate, we’d go to bed and I was always the one who wouldn’t turn out my light, because after Even turned out his, he would always reach over and take my hand and squeeze it, as hard as he could”

Yousef smiled.

“From that point on, every night, we were back to being us, if only until dawn” he said. “I think it’s what kept us from falling apart. The fact that we’d always find a way of going back to being us, if only briefly”

“So, you’re saying—“

“Find a way to go back, Yousef” he told him. “If you can’t work it all out just now, just make sure you and Sana have at least a few moments every day in which you feel like you guys are you again”

“How long do I do this for?’

“For as long as you can?” Isak said. “Keep trying to stretch those moments, until eventually they take over and flip the table on whatever it is you guys are struggling with”

“Is that how you and Even did it?”

“No, we had a huge fight and almost broke up” he said, almost smiling. “I went to bed and turned off my lamp and… he freaked”

“He did?”

“He thought that meant I’d given up” he explained. “We talked all night and when morning came, somehow, we were still us”

\\\

That Thursday night, during Noora’s welcome home party, Isak stood near the improvised dance floor, in the living room. Mahdi, Jonas, Vilde and Eva were all with him.

“Look at that” Isak said, smiling.

They all turned to look at the direction he seemed to be staring.

Sana and Yousef were slow dancing to **Snowmine’s** _Let Me In_ , looking extremely in love.

“Finally!” Eva said, also smiling. 

“Did you have something to do with that?” Jonas asked Isak. 

“Nah, man. That’s all them” Isak proudly said. 

Noora and Magnus came over from the kitchen and joined them. 

“We’re out of ice” Magnus said. 

“We’ll manage” Vilde said, still watching Sana and Yousef dance. “Dance with me?” she asked him. 

“Of course” he said, smiling as he took her hand and led the way to the middle of the room. 

“Babe?” Jonas said, turning to a smiling Eva. 

He took her hand and they walked over to the middle of the room and started dancing. 

“Well” Noora said, looking at Isak and then Mahdi. “The three of us could dance” she suggested. 

Before Mahdi or Isak could answer her, Isak’s phone lit up and started vibrating in his pocket. Once he took it out, they all saw Even’s face on the screen. 

“Then again” Noora said. “Dance with me, Mahdi?” 

“My pleasure” Mahdi said, taking her hand and walking over next to where Eva and Jonas were. 

*  
The music changed to **Death Cab For Cutie’s** _Transatlanticism_ just as Isak answered Even’s call. 

“Hi, baby” he said, softly. 

“Hey, beautiful” a happy Even spoke on the other side of the line, instantly making Isak smile. 

“What are you up to, Valtersen?” 

“Oh, you know. I’m just watching our friends dance” 

“Yeah?" 

“Uh-huh” he nodded, as he saw Sana smile at something Yousef said. 

“Who’s dancing? “ 

“Vilde and Magnus, Noora and Mahdi, Eva and Jonas—“ 

“Cool” 

“—Sana and Yousef” 

“Whoa” 

“I know” 

“So it’s a good party?” 

“It is” he told him. 

“That’s nice” Even said. 

“Could be better, though” Isak told him. 

“How so?” 

“You could be here to dance with me?” 

“But you hate dancing” 

“Right now I wouldn’t really mind it” 

“You wouldn’t?” 

“I don’t think so, no” Isak said, shaking his head. 

“Boy, you must really miss me” 

Isak smiled. 

“If I were— Would you— Dancing?” 

Isak could barely hear him.

“You’re breaking up, baby” he told him, taking his hand to his ear and covering it. 

“I said, If I— Would— To— Maybe— Dancing—?“ 

“Wait a second, it’s too loud in here” Isak said. “Hang on” 

Isak walked around a few couples who were dancing, turning right once he had exited the living room so he could go upstairs to their room in order to have more privacy. 

As he was about to reach the stairs, Even spoke. 

“No, not that way” he said, and Isak mindlessly stopped, turning around and changing directions without really thinking twice about it. 

He took a couple of steps until reaching the front of the double doors that led to the study. 

“Wait” he said, finally catching on. “What did you say?” 

“What?” 

“How can you know where I’m going?” he asked, confused. 

“Like I don’t know you well enough to deduce that after the last time you would’ve locked our bedroom in order to keep it safe from Magnus and Vilde?” 

“Oh” 

“I’m right, aren’t I?” 

“I mean, you may be somewhat correct” 

“Somewhat as in—?” 

“As in very” 

Isak turned to face the study, and as he held the phone with his right hand he tried to use his left to take out from his right pocket the keys to the study, which of course proved to be quite difficult and almost made him drop his phone. 

“Shit!” he said, catching his phone mid-air. 

Even simply laughed. 

“Everything alright?” he asked, amused. 

“I can’t find the keys” 

“To the study?” 

“Yes, I remember I put them in—“ Isak started to say but stopped himself. “How did you—?” 

“Seriously?” Even said. “If you locked the bedroom you almost certainly locked the study and the pool again” 

“Yeah, stop doing that” Isak said. “It’s freaky” 

“Why is it freaky?” 

“I dunno” he simply said. “Just stop” 

“Wow, you really don’t sound like you miss me very much” Even said. “Should I maybe stay here for another week or so?” 

“And you sound like you’re doing that thing again” 

“What thing?” he asked, sounding incredibly amused. 

Isak rolled his eyes. 

“That thing you enjoy doing, although I can never really understand why—” Isak said. “Where you try to purposefully make me mad just because you think it’s fun or whatever” 

“It is fun or whatever” 

“Yeah, no. It actually isn’t” Isak said. “Besides, it doesn’t work when you’re thousands of miles away” 

“Are you sure? Because I could swear—“ 

“I am” Isak interrupted him, rather crossed already. “The whole point of it is that when you do get to make me mad you always end up kissing me, and you can’t very well kiss me tonight, can you? So just—“ 

“Stop?” 

“Yes” 

“Okay” 

“Okay” Isak repeated, looking down at his feet. 

They were silent for a moment, and then Isak lifted his head up and almost said something, but didn’t. He went as far as to open his mouth, only the words seemed to refuse him, for some reason. 

So he just shook his head, ever so. 

“What, babe?” 

“Huh?” 

Even didn’t say anything. 

"I miss you, Even" Isak finally admitted. 

"You don't have to say it, babe. I know you do" Even softly said. "You don't like to say it when we're not together" 

"Then come back" 

He couldn't help it anymore, he had to say it. It felt as though he might explode otherwise. 

"I am coming back" 

"No, not Saturday or the next week" Isak said. "Now. Tonight. Just... Come back, Even" 

They were both silent for a moment. 

“Okay” Even simply said, as if it were this natural, easy thing to do. 

It made Isak smile, but he quickly went serious and resumed staring at his shoes. 

“Don’t look so sad” Even said, quietly. 

Isak didn’t say anything, he simply kept looking down. 

"What would you do if I were there?" 

"Oh, I have a list" 

"You do?" 

"I always have a list" 

"What would number one be on that list?" 

"Number one?" Isak repeated. "Kissing you" 

"What about number two?" 

"Kissing you" 

"Number seven?" 

"Hugging you?" 

"Number... eleven?" 

"Hugging you... While kissing you" 

"Twenty-one?" 

Isak laughed. 

"Oh, so it's that kind of list?" 

"It may be" 

"I like it" Even said, smug. "Is it a long list?" 

"Gets longer by the day" 

"So the more I stay—?" 

"Stop that, don't even joke" 

"No?" 

"No" Isak said, sadly. 

"Okay" Even said. “Can I ask you something, then?” he asked a silent Isak. 

“Uh-huh” he nodded. 

“Are none of my clothes off limits?” 

“What?” 

“I mean, I know they look better on you—” 

“What are you talking about, Even?” 

“That shirt” he said. 

“What?” 

He heard Even laugh. 

“Even?” 

“You look beautiful in that shirt, did you know?” Even said. 

Isak looked down at his shirt. 

“What? You don’t trust me?” Even said. 

This time, Isak didn’t hear him through his phone. 

He looked up and turned around to find Even standing behind him, smiling so wide Isak almost gasped. 

“Hi, babe” 

“You… You’re _here_ ” 

“Yes, I am” 

"How are you here?” Isak asked him, suddenly unable to compute the information – or breathe properly. 

“Well, I—“ 

“Does you being home early mean you need to go back to London sooner?” 

“What? No, that’s not what it means” 

“It's not?” 

“See, you’re going to do your tests tomorrow and well, we had a deal” Even said. 

Isak kept staring at him, completely in shock. 

“We had a—“ he tried to speak. “What deal?” 

“Uh-huh” Even nodded, still smiling. “You and me, babe” 

“What?” 

“You and—“ 

He didn’t give Even the chance to finish. He simply threw both arms around Even’s neck as soon as he possibly could and hugged him as tightly and for as long as he possibly could. 

“Stay” he said. “Please stay” 

He wouldn’t know how many times he said it, he only knew he kept repeating it, hoping it would be enough for Even to never leave again. 

\\\ 

Once everyone realized Even was back, it quickly became almost impossible for he and Isak to talk, let alone be together. 

Noora all but ran to him as soon as she saw him, hugging both of them as if she had just learned about the engagement that evening. 

Sana almost cried when she saw he was back, and Vilde actually did tear up. 

For as long as they could, they held on to each other, but soon they found themselves at opposite sides of the living room, separated by the improvised dance floor. 

Isak didn’t mind it one bit. He got to admire Even from afar with the knowledge that once the party was over, he got to have him all to himself. 

Even was finally back. 

\\\ 

As Isak watched Even talk to Jonas, Sana walked over. 

"Did you talk to Yousef?" Sana asked Isak. 

"Tonight?" 

She looked at him, as if calling his bullshit. 

"He—" 

"He came to you, didn't he?" 

"He just needed to talk, Sana" 

"What did you tell him?" 

"I told him I couldn't pretend to know what you two were going through" Isak said. "That I could only speak from experience" 

"You did?" 

"So I told him how Even and I got through it, when we were having problems" 

"In college?" 

"Yes" he said. "He told you?" 

She shook her head. 

"He said a friend told him a story about his boyfriend" she said. "But he forgot I knew the story he was telling me" 

"He just wanted some help, Sana—" 

"I know" 

"Wait" Isak said, suddenly noticing she didn't exactly seem mad. "Aren't you angry?" 

"Should I be?" 

"I dunno" Isak said, rather confused. 

She kept looking at him. 

"I didn't mean to pry, Sana—" 

Before he could continue, however, Sana put her arms around him and gave Isak an incredibly tight hug. 

She gave the best hugs, Isak was sometimes lucky enough to be reminded. 

Just like that, as unexpectedly as the hug had been, Sana pulled away and turned around to go back to Yousef, without saying another word. 

Isak kept looking at her as she walked away. 

"A hug from Sana?" Even said, having just walked over. "That's like an eclipse, it only happens a few times a year" he pointed out, putting both hands on Isak’s waist and standing as close as he could, facing him. 

"Nah" Isak said, still looking up at him. "She just knows how valuable they are" 

"Is that why you always hug me?" Even said, awful smug. 

"Uh-huh" Isak nodded, biting his lip, as he put both arms around Even’s neck and proceeded to hug him. 

\\\ 

"Aren't we happy" Jonas said, smiling and handing Isak a beer. 

Isak was watching as Even talked to Noora and Eva on the other side of the living room. He hadn't noticed how he kept grinning as he did until Jonas pointed it out to him. 

"It seems like both my wife and your boyfriend have a crush on Noora" he said, still smiling. 

“Doesn’t everyone?” Isak said, without taking his eyes off of them. 

“Doesn’t everyone what?” Sana asked, joining them, alongside Vilde. 

“Have a crush on Noora” Jonas said. 

“Oh” Sana said. 

“Pretty much” Vilde agreed. 

“Where’s Yousef?” Isak turned and asked her. 

“He and Magnus went out to get more ice” she said, happily. 

“Oh?” Isak said. 

“Shut up” she said, trying not to smile. 

They stood in a circle talking, each with a drink on their hands as they had to stand somewhat close to each other, for the house was quite full. 

* 

Then, **M83’s** _Wait_ started to be played. 

"Oh great, Even got hold of the music already" Sana complained, looking around. 

"Hey, I love that song" Vilde said, somewhat insulted. 

Isak and Jonas exchanged looks. 

"Of course you do. You two have the same taste in music" Sana said. 

"He does seem more romantic than usual, doesn't he?" Jonas mentioned, looking at Sana and then Isak. 

"I don't know about romantic, but he does look cheerful" Sana commented, immediately getting Isak's attention. 

"There you go, using that word again" Isak said. 

She laughed. 

"Oh no, I'm over that, trust me" Sana said. "I'm just saying he seems... happy." she explained. 

"Of course he’s happy, he just got back” Vilde said. “And I've got great taste in music, you know" she told Sana, still very much offended. 

“It’s not that” Sana said, looking from Vilde to Jonas. “There’s something else” she added. 

Jonas looked at Isak, suddenly curious. 

"What have you done, Isak?" Jonas asked, sounding suspicious. 

"Me? I haven't done anything" Isak said, defensively. 

"I think you may have" Jonas replied, leaning in closer so he could study his expression, looking for a tell. 

Isak shrugged, trying not to look him in the eye. 

"Are you messing with his meds?" Sana asked, jokingly, while trying not to smile. 

"I am not!" Isak said, utterly amused. 

He turned serious though, the moment he spotted Even staring at him from across the room. He couldn't help but notice how tall Even seemed, and how still – even though everyone else appeared to be moving so fast they had become mere silhouettes. 

Isak couldn't help but smile. 

"This song, though? It's beautiful" Vilde pointed out. 

"Absolutely" Isak said, as he watched Even tilt his head to the side and then back, signaling Isak to go to him. 

Vilde smiled, unaware he was talking about Even. 

Sana and Jonas, however, had begun paying close attention to him. 

Isak didn't hesitate. 

"Hold this" he said, handing Jonas his beer and walking away as they all watched. 

The house was so crowded, Isak moved as though in slow motion, zigzagging his way around those in his path, until eventually someone bumped into him, causing him to break eye contact. 

Just like that, in that split second Isak wasn't looking, Even vanished. 

He immediately began looking around, standing on the tip of his toes and doing a three-sixty around the room. 

No luck. 

He put his right hand in his pocket and got hold of his ring, almost as a reflex, an old habit. As he looked at all those faces, some familiar and others not, he held the ring tighter in his hand, making a fist and feeling the silver rubbing against his skin. 

Once he was at the center of the room, he turned again, now counter-clockwise. Slower, as he feared he might've been too quick the first time. 

Nothing. 

Eventually, he caught sight of Jonas, Sana and Vilde, who were all still watching him. He noticed how Eva, Noora and Mahdi had now joined them, and for a moment he was so frustrated he seemed to be able to find everyone in that crowd, except the one he was looking for. 

Until, at the same moment Magnus and Yousef joined them, Jonas raised his hand and signaled Isak to turn to his left. 

When he did, he saw that Even was standing next to him, inches away. 

"There you are" a smiley Even said. 

Somehow Isak couldn't speak. All he could muster was a smile. 

He couldn't understand why he was so nervous. Even his breathing had now become shallow. 

Even took Isak by the wrist, pulling him closer. He looked down and raised Isak's hand waist high before he turned it over, gently. 

Isak watched as Even put his left hand on top of his right, carefully unfolding his fingers to reveal the silver band resting on his palm. 

When he saw the ring, Even looked so happy. 

"Wear it?" he asked, softly. 

"I— I don't know which hand is the right one" Isak told him, as if admitting to some terrible flaw. 

Even took the ring from Isak, holding it between his index finger and thumb. 

"If you do this—" Isak told him, his voice breaking as he did. 

He looked at Even for a moment, just long enough to notice how gentle he seemed. 

"I don't know that I'll be able to take it off" he confessed, almost in a whisper. 

Even carefully watched him. 

"Don't do it if I'll have to take it off, Even" Isak said, shaking his head. 

He was being so serious and yet at the same time all he could do was feel unbelievably helpless. 

Even didn't hesitate. 

He looked down and slowly slid the silver band on Isak's right ring finger, smiling while he did. 

Then, he turned Isak's hand and brought it closer to him, leaning down and kissing his palm, with his eyes closed. 

Isak could only watch, holding his breath and smiling once Even leaned his face against his palm a bit, as though caressing his hand. 

That moment. 

It was that moment, Isak thought. The one he knew would change everything. 


	11. The Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thirty seven days.
> 
> That's how long Isak and Even have until December 21st.
> 
> However, before they can fully enjoy the fact that their wedding is only weeks away, they must first face a doctor's appointment that can have a great impact on their future together.

It was the morning of Isak’s appointment. They had spent the night awake, talking. By morning, Isak was comfortably nestled on Even’s chest while Even gently stroked Isak’s hair.

“What time do we need to be there?” Even asked.

“Eleven” Isak said. “What time is it now?”

Even reached for his phone, which was on his nightstand.

“Ten to eight” he said, putting his phone down again. “It’ll be light out, soon” he mentioned.

“I don’t want to go” Isak said.

“I know babe” he said, kissing the top of Isak’s head.

Even kept stroking Isak’s hair and looking out the window.

“I don’t remember everything” he eventually said, after a few minutes of silence.

“What? Even asked.

“The accident? My recovery” he said. “I still don’t remember everything”

“You remember most of it”

“It’s not the same”

“I know” Even kindly said. “But you may still remember”

“I don’t think so. The last memory I got back was months ago”

“You can’t know for sure, though”

He was right, of course. It still didn’t stop Isak from obsessing.

So he went quiet. Trying to jump start his brain.

He figured it was with Even that most of his memories came back, so odds were the remaining ones would have a better likelihood of coming back the same way.

“Stop it, babe” Even eventually said, pressing his open palm on the top of Isak’s head, as if to grab it.

“What?”

“It doesn’t work like that” he simply said. “If you’re supposed to have them back, they’ll come back”

Isak sometimes forgot how Even could read his mind.

“I still wish I could remember”

“Why?”

He didn’t answer him.

“Babe?”

“Let’s change the subject, shall we?” he said. “Or get up and get dressed?” he suggested.

“Why?” Even said. 

“That’s not changing the subject” he reminded him.

“Isak—“

“I don’t like where this is going, that’s all”

“You don’t know where this is going, isn’t that the point?” Even said, trying to make him feel better.

It worked. For a moment, it worked.

“Do you remember?” Isak asked him, unable to let it go.

“I think I told you almost everything I remember”

“Not everything”

“No?”

“Was I— The stuff I said—“

“Yeah?”

“Was it ever mean?”

“You? Mean?”

“Don’t, Even”

“What is it you want to ask me, babe?”

“The last memory I got back was you, crying as you carried me”

“Isak—”

“Then, the night you took me to the hospital I found something I saved of when I was switching words all the time and—“

“Yeah?”

“It just got me thinking, what don’t I know?”

“Most of that night, right after I found you, you seem to know” Even said. “You, switching? I think I told you all the words you switched” he added, as if trying to remember.

“How can you be sure?”

“I just am”

“Are you telling me you can remember every word I switched?”

Even said nothing.

“All of them?” Isak asked.

“Yes, all of them”

“You swear?”

“Why are you so nervous about these words?”

“Because I made no sense, Even” he finally said. “I can’t remember exactly every stupid thing I said because it wasn’t every time that I could realize the things I was saying didn’t quite match what I was meaning to say, and if I said something hurtful or something that made you feel bad I just wish I could remember to tell you that I’m sorry. It was this fucking brain that was all—“

“Babe, stop”

“Shit!” he said, trying to bury his head deeper into Even.

“You never said anything bad. And the words you switched? They were easy to interpret. I’m sorry you can’t remember them all, but I can tell you if you want me to”

“That’s sweet, Even—“

“You don’t believe me?” Even interrupted him.

“I’m not saying that—“

“ _’I don’t want you to waterfall, Even’_ ”

“What?”

“Remember telling me that, the first night I came to see you with you actually awake?”

“No. I said that?”

“It meant crying. You told me not to cry, because now I know you were conscious the other nights I’d come and visit and keep talking to you thinking you weren’t awake”

“I hate not remembering everything”

“ _'Is this a yellow curtain?'_ ” 

“Jesus”

“I remember all of it, because I was able to understand all of it. So, don’t feel bad because you’ve nothing to feel bad about, Isak”

They fell silent for a moment, Even running his fingers on Isak’s hair as Isak drew wriggly shapes on his bare chest.

“I… didn’t hurt you?” he finally got the courage to ask Even.

“Oh, babe, you didn’t. No”

“Fuck” he said, so mad at himself for not remembering.

“Come here” he said, pulling Isak on top of him and hugging him tight.

“When I wasn’t making sense or while I was switching, I never—?”

“No, Isak” Even said, with such warmth.

“I thought I had” Isak confessed, so quietly. “I always thought I had and I was so frightened that I couldn’t remember and you somehow had this awful memory I knew nothing about but was the one responsible for and you don’t deserve that—”

“Isak, you never once hurt me. Not ever”

Isak didn’t say anything, he just kept holding on to Even, as close as he could.

\\\

"Ready?" Even asked him.

Isak didn't reply, he just nodded.

They were standing outside the door of Dr. Pedersen's office, about to head inside.

"Okay" Even said, trying so hard not to seem nervous but failing miserably.

Isak would smile, were it not for the huge lump he seemed to have lodged on his throat all day which prevented him from doing so

They turned and faced the door, neither one moving.

Eventually, Isak rang the bell.

As they were buzzed in, they walked over to reception.

"Can I help you?" a girl, no older than Isak asked from behind the counter.

"I, um— I have an appointment. Valtersen" he said.

"Of course" she happily said. "Please, take a seat, it won't take long" she told them, showing them the empty waiting room.

They slowly made their way up the couch and Isak sat down.

Even didn't. He seemed too busy analyzing the room.

"Even, sit" he told him, and he readily did so, placing an open hand on Isak's left knee.

They waited for what felt like an hour, and they did so in almost complete silence, aside from the occasional look they would share that spoke volumes.

"Isak?" the girl finally said, without getting up from behind the counter. "He'll see you now" she added, pointing at the large stained glass door that led to a corridor along which there were four doors.

They got up and walked through it, taking their time until reaching the last door, at the very end of the long hall.

By the time they got to it, a smiling Dr. Pedersen was waiting.

"Isak! Even!" he said, shaking their hands. "Come in"

Isak only had time to glance at Even quickly before sitting on one of the two chairs that were opposite Dr. Pedersen's desk.

"Should I congratulate you?" he said, after seeing the ring on Isak’s finger. "Has the wedding happened already?" 

"Oh" Even said. "No, it's just before Christmas"

"I see" he said. "Are you two excited?"

"Yes. Very much so" Even and his kindness said.

He even managed a sincere smile.

"I wanna be" Isak and his anxiety in turn, interrupted.

"I'm sorry, of course" Dr. Pedersen said, reaching down his drawer and taking two envelopes, one large and one smaller envelope from it containing all of Isak's tests.

He opened the smaller of the two, removing a somewhat thick stack of papers from the inside, and after searching for a particular sheet, he turned his gaze from it to Isak.

"Your blood work came back clear, although your cholesterol is a bit altered—"

"My cholesterol?" Isak repeated, almost insulted.

His tone wasn't that of someone who'd misheard. It was more of a _'are you fucking kidding me?'_ sort of reply, and it wasn't lost on either Even or the doctor.

"Babe" Even said, under his breath.

Dr. Pedersen looked at them for a moment and smiled, putting the sheet of paper down.

"Right" he said, opening the largest envelope and reaching for two scans.

He held one up, showing with the bottom of his pen a particular spot right at the center.

"This was your hematoma, hours after the accident" he said, and both Isak and Even leaned forward on their chairs at precisely the same time. "It consistently diminished in size until—" he said, stopping as he switched one scan for another.

Isak and Even watched his pen again, as it moved over the scan to find the hematoma.

"It got to this size. Considerably smaller, as you can tell" he said. "This was taken the night Even took you to the ER, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat concerned. It was smaller, although not as much as I would've liked it to be"

Even instantly put his hand over Isak's and squeezed it.

"But you said—" Even began to say but was interrupted.

"I know” he said, holding up his hand. “I wanted to wait for the last image, the one from last week" he said.

As he did, he took a third scan, only this time he didn't use his pen to point anywhere on it.

It confused both Even and Isak.

"Here it is" he simply said, showing them the scan and waiting for them to react.

"Here what is?" Isak asked.

"This is your brain, Isak" he said. "All clear" he smiled.

"What?" Even asked him.

Isak had no reaction.

"It's good news, boys" Dr. Pedersen said, smiling still.

"Yeah?" Even asked him, unable to not do it rather loudly and through one of the biggest smiles Isak had ever witnessed.

"Yes" he said. "This is officially the last time either of you will have to visit me for at least a year. We'll still have to do yearly check-ups, but that's only a precaution—"

Even grabbed Isak's head and kissed it, absolutely thrilled.

Isak was still in shock.

"I—" he tried to speak but couldn't. "I'm... I'm okay?"

"Healthy as a horse. Aside from your cholesterol, that is" he said, smiling.

\\\

As they waited for the elevator, Isak typed on his phone.

 **"Just went to the doctor. Brain is perfect, I’m sorry I worried you”** he wrote Magnus.

When Isak looked up, Even was staring at him, still beaming.

"Can I help you?" Isak asked him, smiling.

"I'm going to stare a lot tonight. Deal" he unapologetically said, moving closer and putting his arms around Isak's waist.

"Okay" Isak said, leaning his head back, asking for a kiss.

Even leaned in slowly and kissed him.

"What did I tell you?" Even asked, still with his arms around his waist.

"That everything was going to be fine" Isak said.

"And what just happened?" he said, smiling.

"Everything turned out fine?"

Even kissed him again.

"That would mean what, exactly?" Even then asked, incredibly smug.

Isak rolled his eyes but couldn't help and smile soon after.

"It means that you were right?"

"I guess I was, wasn't I?"

They kissed until the elevator arrived at the twenty-fourth floor.

As they walked inside it, Isak's phone vibrated.

 **"Of course it fucking is!!! Let’s celebrate!"** Magnus wrote.

 **"Noora and Even are cooking tonight. Drop by”** Isak typed.

 **"Done”** he replied, sending another text, shortly after

**“Fuck me this day is awesome!"**

"Magnus?" Even asked a smiling Isak.

"Yeah" Isak said. "He was worried"

"He should've talked to me. I would've told him not to and, you know—"

"You would’ve been right?" 

"Exactly"

\\\

Back from the doctor’s office, they sat on the sofa in the living room while Even waited for Noora to take a shower before they started dinner.

Isak sat on one side and Even was on the opposite side of the sofa, their legs intertwined.

“When I was little, my grandad would take me to the planetarium almost every week” Isak said.

“Yeah?”

“He was so cool” he said, smiling. “He’d pick me up from school and take me out for the day. We’d go to the planetarium and then we’d walk around talking about the stars and constellations and stuff. He always took me to McDonalds after, and sometimes we’d go to the park so I could learn chess”

“Sounds like fun”

“He had this habit. As he would explain something, he would draw it, like literally draw it as he spoke. Sometimes he’d simply draw some lines or swirls on a napkin, or he’d pretend to be doing it whenever he didn’t have a piece of paper at hand”

“Writer’s habit?”

Isak smiled.

“I used to try and keep them. The ones he didn’t throw away”

“You still have it?”

“I do”

“Cool”

“One morning, when I was eight, my mom picked me up early from school and told me he had died” 

Even kept watching as Isak spoke.

“I remember sneaking in his bedroom the day after and stealing his pen case”

“You did?”

“His grandfather gave it to his dad and his dad gave it to him. You know that sort of thing?”

“Movable memories” Even said, to which Isak widened both eyes, loving hearing him say those words.

“He was going to give it to my uncle, but he’s always been a piece of shit, so”

“Families”

“I was quoting grandad, actually”

Even smiled.

“He sounds pretty cool”

“He was the one who taught me to curse”

“Yeah?”

“I was the only five year old getting sent to the principal’s office for saying the word ‘fuck’ too many times”

“Five?” Even repeated, laughing.

“My mom was so pissed. Little did she know I had learned the word a couple of years before”

“Awesome”

“He had the filthiest mouth – and mind”

“And yet his novels were so gentle” Even commented.

“You’ve read them?”

“Of course”

“I didn’t know that”

“He wrote the way you talk”

“What? No, he didn’t. I talk like he did”

“You curse a lot, but the way you say things? It’s like his novels. Even when you do curse”

“Really?”

“It’s not a bad thing, babe. Quite the contrary, in fact”

“Oh” Isak simply said, considering if what Even told him could be somehow true. 

“So, you stole his pen case?”

“Yes” Isak said, having been brought back by Even. “Yeah, anyway, he had three pens that were like his most prized possessions – all silver. The one his dad gave him, one my grandma did on their wedding night and another that he bought with the money he made when his first book was published”

He took a small package and a pen case from the sideboard behind the sofa, opening the latter, revealing a beautiful silver fountain pen and handing it to Even, who carefully took it.

“It’s beautiful, babe”

“That was the ‘relic’, as he called it. He had a name for each. He wrote his novels with them”

Even held it up, admiring it, as Isak carefully watched him.

“What were the other one’s names?”

“That one was relic, the one my grandma gave him was treasure, and the one he wanted me to have was truth – his truth, he always said”

“Relic, treasure and truth?” Even repeated, interested.

“Everything one needs in life, according to him”

“Everything?”

“I can’t remember his explanation, which I fucking hate—”

“You were too small…”

“I have my own, though”

“Yeah?” Even said, smiling. “Tell me”

“Well, relic, treasure and truth could be a number of things. He wasn’t a particularly sentimental man, not away from his books. But I think, seeing as they were part of his work, he would have a rather sentimental reason for their names”

“Fair enough”

“So relic, treasure and truth could be Memory, Love and Time”

Even watched him.

“You see, the relic is pretty easy to extrapolate as being memory. He gave a great deal of importance to it”

“Okay”

“Treasure, too, can be easily understood as love. He and my grandma had so little time together, but he would never talk about her with any kind of sadness or regret, you know? I loved how he talked about her, because he would always mix ordinary things with some extraordinary ones, turning their story into this amazing tale that you could either choose to believe or to deny”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Like when they met. He would tell the story as him being at a bar, somewhere that was more like a tavern, because you would walk in and have to come down this long wooden staircase, and hearing the music stop just as the door opened, making everyone look up to see this beautiful blonde girl walking in” he said. “But the staircase was so old, as she started to come down it broke into pieces, yet she didn’t fall. She simply continued to glide along the inexistent steps, floating until reaching the ground and standing in front of him”

“That’s a good story” Even said, smiling.

“It was bullshit, of course” Isak said. “But I was eight, I thought she was magical”

“Maybe she was” Even kindly said.

“He said meeting her was the truest thing that ever happened to him”

Even smiled.

“That leads to the last one—“

“Truth” Even said.

“ _‘No one should live or write something that isn’t true’_ he used to say. 

“Smart man”

Isak raised both eyebrows.

“Here” he said, handing him the small package. 

It was square and wrapped in blue paper.

“What’s this?”

“Wedding present” Isak said.

“Babe” Even said, smiling.

“Go on, open it”

Even carefully unwrapped it, revealing a tiny black box, which he opened. It had some satin paper, which he took out extremely gently, and in it there was a silver band, smooth and almost a centimeter wide. 

“You got me a ring?” he said, surprised, as he held the box up in his hand, without removing the band from inside. “This is so beautiful, babe”

Isak watched him, smiling, without saying a word.

“It’s heavy, kind of like an antique. I love it”

“The silver is about eighty years old”

“What?”

“My pens. I had them melted and turned into a ring”

“Isak—”

“I kept thinking about buying you one, but I looked and I looked and none of the rings I found seemed like they were the right ones. None felt like it, you know? And I wanted it to be one of a kind, so—“

“Your pens?”

“It had to be unique, like my ring is. It had to be something important. Then I thought of my pens, because it’s always been one of my very favorite things”

“Isak—“

“I didn’t want you to have just a ring. I needed you to have something that could come close to being as important as you are, Even” 

Even got up and leaned in, rubbing his nose against Isak’s before kissing him and letting his whole weight fall on top of him.

“It doesn’t, you know”

“What?”

“Come close. Not even a little bit”

\\\

It was the first time Even was able to use the pasta-maker Isak had got him in the new house. The fact that he chose to do it while Noora was still staying over was anything if not relevant, Isak thought. 

They had always had a good relationship, but since going to London, Even and Noora appeared to have become better friends.

The same could be said about Eskild. 

Eskild had gone to Oslo a few days after Even, and he was supposed to have been staying with Noora at Isak and Even’s flat. However, since everyone had found out about Isak and Even’s engagement, the two days Noora was supposed to have stayed over turned into a week and now that had turned into her and Eskild agreeing to housesit once Isak and Even left for their honeymoon.

It felt nice, though, and Isak would be the first to admit it. It felt so familiar, being roommates. 

Still, the wedding was a few weeks away, and there was a double meaning to that dinner neither Noora nor Eskild knew about.  
They thought it was a mere thank you dinner, something nice Noora was doing as a way of saying thank you to Even and Isak for not only taking them in, but also letting them use their flat for as long as they possibly wished.

They didn’t know, however, that the trip to the doctor’s had even taken place, let alone that it had been a success.  
To tell them would mean having to tell everyone, and it was something neither Isak nor Even were willing to do. If anything, because they wanted to put it all behind them. And celebrate. They wanted to be happy, obscenely so if possible.

And they were.

As Even helped Noora with the pasta, he would look at Isak whenever he could. He would do so even when he couldn’t, which ultimately meant there was a lot of pasta that had gone to waste due to Even being more interested in watching Isak talk to Eskild rather than pay attention to what he was doing.  
Noora was anything if not patient, possibly imagining that the two of them being unable to take their eyes off one another had something to do with the wedding and how happy they were.

She was, in more ways than one, right. 

As Even and Noora worked on the pasta, Isak and Eskild were in charge of what they couldn’t burn or ruin: drinks. And as they waited for Magnus and Vilde, Isak couldn’t help but feel extremely happy.

The house was full of friends, Even’s laugher echoed through it in the most soothing way, and most importantly, every second of that night, every single second that followed that trip to the doctor’s office was now guaranteed to be remembered.

Isak felt more present than ever before. He felt more in control than he had in ages, and there was one thing he noticed which actually made for that night to feel even more special.

Now that he knew he and Even could have a life together, a proper life, filled with unlimited memory, the pressure of it all could’ve potentially been something that would scare him. 

Except it didn’t. 

He felt the weight of it all, yes, but it was something he welcomed. It was something he wanted, it was something he had wished for, so many times before.

Nothing about what was about to happen scared him to the point of inaction. On the contrary, it motivated him. 

Now that Isak and Even were to have a proper life together, Isak couldn’t help but want it to happen as soon as possible. 

It was one thing agreeing to marry; one thing feeling as though he was finally ready. However this was the first time Isak found himself almost ecstatic at the thought of it.

\\\

By the time Vilde and Magnus arrived, the kitchen looked like a pasta factory, with hundreds of strands of pasta hanging from a laundry line they had improvised.

Even was making the sauce and both Noora and Eskild were watching him as they drank some wine.

“Hey, gu—“ Isak tried to speak but was immediately interrupted by Magnus, flying to his arms once he opened the door.

“Magnus!” Vilde reproached him. 

Magnus didn’t say anything, neither did Isak. He just hugged him back.

“I’m sorry, Isak” Vilde said. “He’s been acting weird all day” she explained as she walked in, once they finally pulled away.

They waited for her to go to the kitchen.

“Are you really alright?” he asked Isak, almost whispering.

“I’m fine, dude”

He hugged him again, before they both followed Vilde to the kitchen.

“I’m no expert—“ Vilde said, looking around all the pasta hanging from the laundry line. 

“I don’t know how to cut the recipe” Noora told her, as she was grabbing the bottle of wine and pouring Vilde a glass.

“Shit, this is awesome” Magnus excitedly said, walking in alongside Isak.

“What’s there to know? You just cut it in half” Vilde said, and they started to talk about something Isak didn’t really understand, for he was seeing Magnus hug Even.

“You’re an interesting man, Isak Valtersen” Eskild volunteered, walking towards him and opening the fridge to get more beers.

“How so?” he asked him.

“You just are” he casually said, closing the refrigerator door and turning his back so he could lean on it. “Is today a good day?”

“In what sense?” Isak asked him, as Eskild handed him a beer.

“In any sense” he said, taking a sip.

Isak couldn’t help it. He looked at Even, who was laughing at something Magnus was telling him and his excitement got the better of him.

“I’m gonna marry him” Isak said, proudly.

It wasn’t anything Eskild didn’t know, of course. It hadn’t been news ever since the night of Noora’s party, when they all saw Even put the ring on Isak’s finger.

Isak just felt he needed to point it out, for some reason. Be it because they had kept it a secret longer than either one had wished, or maybe because he was exceptionally emotional. Either way, it didn’t much matter, Isak thought. 

He could finally let himself be happy, and Even still had days before he had to go to London again and, to top it off, Even was dead serious when he said he was going to stare a lot. Isak could feel his eyes on him almost the entire night, and it was something Isak absolutely basked in. 

Nothing could ruin that day.

To Isak’s surprise, Eskild didn’t keep digging.

“Yes, you are” he said, more serious than usual.

“What?” Isak asked.

Eskild was anything but sentimental. Yet there he was, almost touched.

“You’ve become a man, Isak” he said. Again, more serious than usual. “It is to be noted, that is all” he said, walking away, back to Even’s side.

Isak did what he ended up doing for most of the night. He watched. He took it in. 

He didn’t, for the first time in a very long time, have to worry about remembering all that he was witnessing. He didn’t need to put in the extra effort in order to make himself remember.

There was no need for a list, no need for him to take something meaningful in order to correlate it to that night and keep it safe somewhere in order to go through it after some time and have his brain be jump started. 

No.

For the first time in so long, he was able to witness the happiness Even and his friends were demonstrating and he got to be comforted by the fact that tomorrow, next week, two years from now, he would remember.

Of course, old habits die hard, so he did at some point take the ring of Eskild’s beer and a basil leaf Even had cut to put on the sauce that night – as well as a few other items. When everyone was either gone or in their respective rooms, he made his way to the study, found his memory box and carefully put the items inside.

He wasn’t going to keep doing this, not so often. But that particular night? That one was special.

He just needed to be sure. 

\\\

That night, while Isak took a shower, Even sat in bed with his computer on his lap and worked on his script.

He saw that Isak had put on his Godard t-shirt and immediately smiled, as he stopped typing and put his laptop on the bed next to him before reaching his hand out.

"Come here" Even said.

Isak turned off the bathroom lights and walked over to him, grabbing hold of Even's hand as he stood next to the bed.

"Too far" he was told, as Even pulled his hand closer to his body.

Isak got on the bed on top of him, sitting on his lap as Even placed both hands on either side of Isak's waist.

"Now, this one's mine" Isak said.

He had turned his index finger into a hook and was pulling down on Even's t-shirt, just at the neck.

It was a basic black t-shirt with short sleeves and that had Saturn stamped on the left side.

"Wanna switch?" Even asked him.

"No" Isak shook his head. "I like my Godard t-shirt"

"Your Godard t-shirt?" Even asked, smiling.

"Uh-huh" Isak nodded, biting his lip.

As he looked at Isak, Even couldn't help but let his eyes travel up, eventually finding their way to Isak's scar, which was easier to spot since his hair was wet.

He couldn't help but look at it for a while, but once he looked back at Isak he found that he had been caught, for Isak went rather serious and tilted his head to the side a bit, as if asking Even something.

But Even simply removed his right hand from Isak's hip and took it to his head, gently striking Isak's hair as he ran his thumb over the usually hidden mark.

Isak didn't take his eyes off him all the while he did this, watching him attentively.

"Would you have called it off?" Even asked him, quickly glancing at him before turning his eyes back to Isak's head. "If it were bad news, would you have changed your mind about the wedding?"

"No" Isak slowly shook his head. "I don't think I'd be able to do that" he admitted.

"Because it would've hurt me?"

"Because it would've hurt"

"Why did you want it to go before the wedding then? We could've gone to the appointment after we did it—"

"I wanted you to know" Isak simply said.

"Me?"

"Uh-huh" he nodded. "I wanted you to know. Beforehand"

"I told you it wouldn't have changed anything"

"I know" Isak said. "But it would. You know it would"

"No, Isak, it—"

"I'm not saying it would've made you change your mind. That's not what I mean"

"What do you mean?" Even asked, seemingly intrigued.

"It would've affected all the rest, whether we like it or not" Isak told him.

"Not what matters, it wouldn't have"

"Time matters, Even" Isak said, perhaps a bit more serious than he intended.

There were times Even could look at Isak and it was as though he was reminded of something. Isak never dared ask what, but this was such a time, he thought.

He looked at Isak for a moment, as if working something out in his head, and then, after a short while, he spoke.

"Speaking of which" Even said. "We need to figure out how much time we can stay in Italy for"

"We'll have a week, won't we?"

"A week?" Even repeated, almost insulted. "You want to have a week long honeymoon?"

"I don't want that, no" Isak said. "But you have to go back to London on the 27th, and I'm not going to stay in Italy alone. Not on our honeymoon"

"I need to be in London on the 27th of this month, and only for a week" he said. "After that, I'll only need to head back in January, and you'll go with me"

"I will?"

"I thought we'd fly from Italy to London and then head back. That was we can stay for longer"

"How much longer?"

"Two months instead of one?" he said. "Can you get away for two months?"

"Yes, please"

Even smiled.

"Good, 'cause I already booked the house until February"

\\\

“We need to plan this, there’s absolutely no time” Vilde said, looking around the table and finding the support of basically Magnus, Eva, Eskild and Noora.

They had all agreed to meet at a restaurant close to Eva’s office for lunch. 

“There’s plenty of time” Isak said, as Vilde took out an old-fashioned date book from her purse and opened it.

“No, there’s not” Sana said. “There’s time, but not plenty of it”

“It takes months to minimally prepare for something we have to do in what?” she said, borderline freaking out. “Three weeks?”

“Six weeks” Even corrected her.

“Whatever!” she said. “How can we plan a wedding in six weeks?” she said, nervously laughing and shaking her head as she flipped her date book franticly.

“Well, we’ll need to organize” Noora said, looking at Eva.

“Yes. We should divide certain tasks between us all and try and do it methodically” Eskild said.

“Like we did with Eva” Chris said.

“Yes, but we had months with Eva” Sana said, oddly into the whole thing, Isak thought.

Jonas, Mahdi, Magnus, Even and Isak kept looking at each other and at them as they spoke, alternating between complete ignorance to what they were saying and absolute terror, plus a dash of genuine admiration.

“We could form a group” Vilde said.

“No!” Isak said.

Even all but grinned, earning himself a very disapproving stare. 

“There’ll be no groups” Isak was firm in stating.

He still resented having been made an honorary ‘Zilla’ for Eva’s wedding.

“We don’t have to, the Zilla’s is still active” Sana said, looking way too amused.

Isak had forgotten about that particular detail. 

“Zilla’s?” Mahdi said, as Even and Jonas were at that point almost crying from laughter.

“It’ll come in handy” Vilde said. We’ll just add a couple of the guys”

Isak let out the biggest laughter.

“Please do that now” he said.

By then, Jonas and Even looked much less amused.

“Seriously, guys” Noora said. “We need to discuss at the very least some basic things”

“Like what?” Even asked her, interested.

“I dunno” she said, looking around the table. “The venue, the songs, the food, the cake—“

“City hall” Isak said.

“City hall?” Noora, Eva and Vilde all repeated, unison.

None of them sounded as though they thought it was a good idea.

“What’s wrong with City Hall?” Isak asked, turning to look at Even and finding he was also looking as intrigued as he was.

They had briefly discussed how it would be fine keeping it quite simple, going to City Hall and having a quick ceremony, followed by a dinner with their parents and the guys.

“You’re not marrying at City Hall” Vilde said.

“Why not?” Isak questioned.

“We’re not?” Even asked her.

“This is not a business deal” Vilde said, utterly insulted.

“Vilde—“ Eva said.

“No” she said. “I get that they don’t want a few things, especially Isak—“

Isak just looked at Even and the guys, confused.

“But there are some things we simply just have to have” she continued.

“Let’s find out what they want, why don’t we?” Sana finally suggested. 

“Fine” Vilde said, annoyed. “Go ahead. Speak” she ordered them.

Isak and Even exchanged looks.

“Well?” she pressed.

“What should we say?” Even asked.

“You two have zero idea of how to do this, don’t you?”

“It is our first marriage” Isak told her.

For a moment, he was afraid Vilde would throw something at him.

“Granted, we don’t know how to proceed” Even said. “But there’s a few things we do know. We just need some help from you”

The girls all but melted.

Even did that on purpose, Isak thought. He would’ve pointed it out, had he not found himself also weirdly mesmerized.

“Okay” Eva said. “Venue?”

Isak and Even looked at each other once again, still clearly puzzled.

“Outside or inside?” Vilde asked, rolling her eyes.

“We’re getting married during winter” Isak said.

“Hotel, house or church?” Chris specified.

“No church” Isak said.

“Yeah, nothing too religious” Even agreed.

Vilde quickly wrote it on her book.

“Size?” Chris asked.

“Of what?” Isak asked her, almost livid.

Jonas and the guys laughed, including Even.

“How big is the ceremony and the party going to be?” Noora said.

“Oh” Isak said. “I dunno”

“Even?” Sana asked.

“Well, there’s my parents, your parents—“ he said, turning to face Isak and counting with his fingers.

“Jesus, he’s using his fingers” Vilde pointed out.

Again, Jonas and the guys all laughed.

“What?” Isak asked.

“Nothing, go on” Eva said, trying not to smile.

“Your parents, my parents—” he repeated, turning to face the table again. “You guys—“

“That is all so—“ Noora started to say.

“Slow?” Sana was quicker.

“Are we talking fifty people here? A hundred?” Eskild jumped in.

“A hundred?” Isak repeated. “We don’t know that many people” he added.

“Between family and friends, though—“ Mahdi said.

“Yes, you guys and our parents” Isak said.

“Oh my God!” Vilde said, and everyone, including Isak laughed when they noticed she was squeezing her knife as if she wished it were Isak’s neck.

“You don’t invite only the people you know the best for a wedding, dude” Jonas said.

“I shouldn’t invite only the people I care about to my wedding?” Isak asked him, as if it were the biggest load of crap he’d ever heard.

And it was, kinda.

But that comment was enough to make Vilde relax.

“There’s your extended family, the people you work with, friends you haven’t seen in ages…” Eskild said.

“You agree with this?” Isak turned to Even.

“No” he said. “But I get why people do it”

“Huh” Isak said.

“Here we go…” Magnus said.

“Fight!” Mahdi joked, making everyone laugh.

“Well, not for me, thanks” Isak simply said. “The people I want to see me marry Even are all right here. I’m not inviting people I don’t care about”

“You’re gonna have five people on your side?” Sana asked.

“Will you be on there?”

“Isak—“ Noora said, but was interrupted.

“Then yes” he said. “I don’t care if it doesn’t look great, I’m not pretending on my wedding”

“He has a point” Mahdi said.

“Even?” Vilde asked.

“Sorry, I was counting”

They all laughed.

“I think I have maybe twenty people I could ask, if you think we need bodies—“

Jonas spit his drink. Everyone lost it for a good three minutes.

“What’s the number, Even?” Noora asked, still laughing.

“Twenty” he said. “My parents, some family and a cousin or two”

“Twenty?” Vilde asked.

“Not counting you guys, of course” he said. “No, I’m with Isak on this one”

“Isak?” Eskild asked.

“My parents, my brothers, their mom…” he stopped, as though he had just had a new thought.

“Babe?”

“Elsa, maybe?” he asked Even. 

“And Dr. Pedersen?” Even suggested.

“Yeah”

“Yeah” Even repeated.

“Who’s Elsa?” Magnus asked. 

“Fifteen, twenty people each” Isak finally told Vilde.

“Now that’s more like it”

“You should do it at the Continental” Chris said.

“The hotel?” Even asked.

“Why not?” 

“Isak?” Eva asked him.

“Sure” he said.

“Food?” Eskild said.

“That’s with Even” Isak told him.

“Yeah, I totally know what we’ll have” he excitedly said.

“Oh, good” Vilde told him. “Add him to the Zilla’s, Sana”

This time, Isak was the one spiting his drink.

“Done” Sana said, utterly amused by Even’s hopeless look.

“Cake?” Mahdi asked.

“I—“ Isak said, managing to get the attention of the lot. “If it’s okay, I want Eva to help me with that” he added, making her give him the biggest of smiles the table would see all throughout lunch.

“Absolutely. We got it” she said.

“Decorations?” Chris asked.

“Unless anyone volunteers” Isak said, and no one did. “Noora and Eskild?” he asked Even.

“Absolutely” he said.

Noora and Eskild both smiled.

“Clothes?” Vilde asked.

“What about them?” Even asked her.

She simply looked at him, unimpressed.

“Actually, I had a suggestion about that” Sana said, getting everyone’s attention out of the sheer strangeness of it all.

“Okay?” Vilde said.

“Well, are you guys walking down the aisle?” she asked, but both Even and Isak shook their heads. “With bridesmaids and ring bearers and shit?”

“Only figuratively” Isak said. “And none of that other stuff”

“What do you plan on doing, just asking everyone to close their eyes and pretend you two magically appear in front of the minister?” Vilde asked, annoyed.

“No minister, either” he told her.

“Come on, Isak” Vilde said, frustrated.

“Can I finish?” Sana asked.

“Okay, ‘cause I actually want to go next” Eva told her. “I have a suggestion on the minister situation”

“Ugh” Vilde grunted.

“Anyway” Sana said. “I thought that maybe we could all sort of be that. You know, the ones who either walk in with you guys or stand close to you at the alter” 

“I love that idea” Even said, earning agreeable nods from the lot.

“Me too” Isak said. 

“Perfect” Noora said. “We just need to talk color arrangements”

“No, we don’t” Isak said.

“Or, you can do it after we leave?” Jonas asked, earning himself the appreciation of Even, Isak, Mahdi and Magnus.

“No!” Vilde angrily said. “This is basic stuff, people. We’re finishing it”

“Can I talk about the minister?” Eva said. "The one that officiated our wedding was very nice. I could call him and—"

“In a sec” Noora told her. “Isak, Even. I know it sucks, but… dresses?”

“Just wear them?” Isak said. “Or don’t. Wear whatever you guys want to wear”

“I agree” Even said.

“We all do” Jonas said.

“Okay” Eskild said. “What if, the guys take care of their clothes and the girls take care of theirs?”

“If the guys agree to wear tuxes and preferably cotton, than okay”

“What about velvet?” Magnus asked.

“Do that and we’ll never marry” Vilde said.

The lunch lasted almost three hours. It was the first time they had all been together in months.

\\\

As Even washed Isak's back, they fell silent.

Isak turned around, Even looking down on him as he held him so close Isak's head was almost all the way back in order to see him properly.

They stared at each other for the longest time, until Even noticed Isak looking away. It was a brief moment, a mere second that took for Isak to glance to the side and back, but Even saw it.

"What?" he asked him.

"What?" Isak repeated, distracted, not really having realized what he had just done.

"Where were you, babe?"

Isak had to try real hard not to go back into his head.

"I— That look"

"What look?"

"You looked at me different"

"Different?"

"Not different, not really. Just— I hadn't seen that look in a while"

"Oh? What look was that?"

"The look you used to give me, before we even met. That look"

"Oh?"

"Sometimes I get to see it. It's like this look that's telling me something without uttering a word, you know?"

"So it's a nice look?"

"It's the best look"

"Has it changed?"

"No. It's still the same. It also has the same effect"

"Which is?"

"I lose track? I— It's kinda like when we swim and I can't catch my breath"

"But that's because you're not that good at it, though" Even said, smiling.

"Hey"

"Sorry, babe. You're a genius at a lot, but swimming?"

"Yeah, that's actually not true"

"Babe"

"No, like. I'm actually a good swimmer. I've won medals as a kid and everything. You've seen them, in my room back at my mom’s"

"Sure, kid stuff. It's okay not to be great at swimming babe"

"Those were regionals, actually"

"What?" he said, surprised.

"I can swim, Even"

"No, you can't"

Isak smiled. Even looked so puzzled.

"I just... I just can't seem to do it around you"

"What?"

"I get winded. The first time you kissed me? I couldn't breathe, I— I couldn't breathe properly. And, for some reason, most times when we're swimming I just... can’t seem to catch my breath"

"All this time?"

"It's like that look"

"It's still the same?"

"It's more, somehow"

And he did it again, as Isak spoke Even looked at him in a way that made it hard to breathe.

"Babe?"

"Sorry" Isak said, smiling and shaking his head.

"What else is the same?"

"Are you kidding?"

"What else?"

"This?" he said, almost out of breath. "You just... You're the same, Even"

He didn't notice, but his eyes were betraying him again.

"Yeah?" Even said, smiling happily as he took one hand from Isak's lower back and reached up in order to wipe his face.

"I don't know how. I dunno why I'm so..." he began, shaking his head again.

"Isak?"

"I should question it more. I mean, not question it, but I'm supposed to be able to logically ponder about how it is it could be the same, how is it that it can feel like it's more and, I just—" he stopped, as Even again wiped his cheek.

"I'm so sure, Even. I've always been so sure"

"I know. Me too"

"I'm not telling you this for you to say it back..."

"But I want to say it back. It's how I feel, too"

"Sorry. I just... Sometimes I fear I'm asking a lot. Like too much"

"What does that mean?"

"Something that's not fair? I don't like to think I'm not being fair"

"This is fair, Isak. This is you being fair"

"Okay"

"Do you want to say something?"

"What?"

"Do you need me to say something?"

He looked up at him.

"There you go again" he said, smiling and leaning his head on his chest.

\\\

They had spent the whole day together. 

As Jonas and Isak waited for Eva to come from the kitchen, they shared a blunt at the dinner table quietly.

Isak always took notice of moments such as these, for he knew how important they were. Jonas was someone who knew Isak, all of Isak. He was his best friend and the person who knew him best, perhaps almost as well as Even did. He certainly knew Isak better than Isak thought he did, better than Isak himself did, actually. And these moments, when they would fall silent, were almost nostalgic.

Like with Even, Isak could stay in silence with Jonas for hours on end and still never have it become awkward or weird.

Never running out of things to discuss with someone is pretty awesome; being able to share the silence, however, is rare. And he could do that with Jonas, same as he could with Eva and, of course, Even.

As they sat there, Eva walked out with a large bowl of pasta, managing to jog Isak's memory almost instantly.

"Oh, this looks so awesome, Eva" he told her, smiling.

"I thought you'd like it" she proudly stated, proceeding to serve them.

"You make the best pasta"

"She sure does" Jonas said, eagerly digging in.

"I just realized I can't recall the last time we did this" she said.

"Did what?" Isak asked, mid-bite.

"This" Eva said, spreading her hands out in a circle over the table. "Just us three, together"

Jonas looked up, as if trying to remember. Isak stared forward, also thinking back. She was right. The last time he could remember being alone for a whole day with Jonas and Eva was after the accident, a year ago, and somehow that did not seem to count.

"Was it at the hospital?" he asked.

"That wasn't exactly quality time, so no" she said. "I think it was when we went to Bergen, two summers ago?" she said.

"Nah. Bergen was three summers ago. You're thinking of the road trip, when Isak and Even had that fight"

"Shit, that was two years ago? That's so sad"

"Life, dude" Isak said.

They ate in silence for a moment, comfortably so.

"Are you nervous?" Eva asked him finally.

Isak took moment before answering.

"No?" he said, shaking his head. "Is that weird?" he then added, curiously.

"Not at all, man" Jonas said.

"I thought I'd be. Only—"

"I wasn't either, the day before. A couple of hours prior to the ceremony, though? Well, you remember" Jonas told a smiling Isak.

"Yeah, but that was you being afraid she'd be a no-show"

"You thought I'd leave you?" Eva asked, amused.

"Well, duh"

"That's adorable"

"Just wait. You'll freak" Jonas told him.

"He doesn't have to freak. He knows Even will be there – something you should've known too"

"I knew. I just worried"

"Should I worry about that?" Isak asked.

"No, of course not" she said. "See?" she turned to Jonas, scolding him.

"Dude, I was joking"

"It's alright. I mean, I want to freak, if that what one does"

"'What one does'?" Jonas repeated. "What are you, Rain Man?"

"I just mean I want to go through what's expected. I've never done this before, I don't know what's normal or not"

"Do you feel sick? Shaky or something?"

"My stomach does feel funny"

"Is it the food?" Eva asked, worried.

"No, the food is perfect" Isak reassured her. "I've just been a bit weird"

"There you go"

"So, it's normal?"

"I was puking nonstop, remember?"

"Well" Eva said, clearly offended.

"Not a critique, love"

"I hate this. I hate not knowing how to act"

"Dude, this is your wedding. You should just enjoy it, not overthink it – even though, you know, it's you"

"Thanks"

"He has a point, though. You're focusing on the wrong thing"

"I am?"

"Uh-huh" she nodded.

"What the right thing?"

"Even" Jonas said, to which Eva nodded in agreement.

He didn't even notice, but he instantly smiled.

"I just thought there'd be, I don't know, more worrying, things going to shit, crisis, you know?"

"You almost died from a headache. He all but moved to London, your dad had a heart attack. I think you got the crisis part covered, man" Jonas said.

"Those things don't count" Isak dismissively told him.

"They don't?"

"No. It's life. This is—"

"Life?"

"More"

"Aw" Eva all but swooned.

"Can I ask?" she asked him.

"What?"

"Why is it that you're not freaked out over it anymore? About marriage?"

"I am"

"You are?" Jonas asked.

"Absolutely"

"Then why?" she said, curious.

"He wants it. He always wanted it"

"So, you're doing it for him?" she asked.

"No, that wouldn't be fair. I just... I want to have all I can with him"

"Meaning marriage?" Jonas said.

"Meaning all of it"

"Damn it, I'm gonna be a mess at this ceremony, I just know it" Eva said, wiping her eyes.

"Can I ask you guys something? Isak said.

"Sure"

"Is there anything you two don't know? About each other, I mean"

"What sort of thing?" Jonas asked him.

"Well, anything. Anything of significance"

"Nope. She knows everything"

"And you?" he turned to Eva.

"I don't think so"

"You don't think?" Jonas repeated.

"I mean, not that I can remember right now. No"

"Oh"

"Do you know all of him?"

"I think so, yeah"

"Does he?" Jonas asked.

"Most of me"

"Oh"

"Nothing that would matter, though. Just— I've been thinking, and there maybe a couple of things I'm unsure as to whether or not I should discuss, and when the appropriate moment to do so is"

"Such as?"

"My dad, for one" he told him. Turning to Eva before continuing "And that this we talked about at the cake shop"

"He doesn't know about your dad?"

"I never told him"

"But why?"

"I'm... Ashamed"

"Dude"

"What if there's truth to it?"

"There's no truth to it, Isak!" Jonas said, suddenly mad.

Eva watched them, not sure as to what she should say or do.

"Well—" Isak started to speak but was cut off by Eva.

"I don't know what this is all about, but the thing we discussed? You should tell him"

"Before?"

"Doesn't matter. But he should hear it it's not a bad thing"

"See, now I'm getting nervous"

"You may want to tell him or not tell him. However, I don't think either one of these things are reasons to feel ashamed or scared"

"You don't know the thing he and I discussed" Eva said.

"I don't have to. I know him"

"He has a point" she said.

"Are you in this, Isak?" Jonas asked him.

"In?"

"Tomorrow. And the rest of it. Are you in?"

"Absolutely"

"That's all you need to know"

\\\

Once they all retired to their rooms, Isak went to charge his phone before heading to the shower. Just as he plugged it, it lit up.

 **“Are you up?"** a text from Even read.

Isak smiled, readily typing his reply.

**"Yes. I still hadn’t said goodnight to you yet"**

**“Come outside"**

Isak looked at the screen, puzzled.

**"Outside?"**

**"Outside, babe"**

Isak walked over to the window and looked out, finding Even outside, looking up at him.

He turned around and headed downstairs, gently closing the front door behind him as to not make any noise, then walking swiftly towards an eager Even.

"Hi, beautiful" a smiling Even said as Isak walked over.

"Hey, you" Isak replied, before kissing him hello. "What are you doing here?" he added, eyes still closed.

"I had to see you"

"Is everything okay?"

"Sana and Yourself went to bed early, and when I finally put little Isak to bed, it hit me"

"What did?"

"This is our last night as boyfriends"

Isak tilted his head.

"It is" he said, smiling.

"Why are we spending it apart? We should spend it together"

"I know. I just thought—"

"What?"

"Tradition. I thought you could use some part of this being traditional"

"I don't follow"

"This. All of this, Even. I know you're compromising – a lot"

"I am?"

"I'm not exactly Mr. marriage now, am I? I know that. And I just felt like maybe this wasn't turning out the way you had hoped, so I figured we'd throw in some tradition"

"You think I wanted it being traditional? Like how?"

"I dunno"

"Church, hundreds of guests, that kind of thing?"

"Isn't that how you pictured it?"

"Wrong question, babe"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah"

"What's the right one?"

"Do I need it?"

"Do you?"

"I need you, Isak. No church, or guests or anything else. This is about us, isn't it?"

"Of course"

"Then, no. I don’t need any of it. Just you"

"So you're fine with the way we're doing it?"

"Fine? It's perfect. It's our way of doing it"

"Shit"

"What?"

"Now I feel dumb"

"I love that you wanted to give me that, though"

"I just wanted you to have this awesome day"

"You're a nut, Valtersen. I can barely stand still, I'm so excited about tomorrow. It's already an awesome day"

"Well then" Isak said, promptly holding out his hand for Even to hold, and when he did he readily turned around and led the way inside.

\\\

"Don't wake them" Isak whispered, as they made their way upstairs.

They hadn't counted on Eva walking down the stairs and catching them, making them stop dead on their tracks.

"Oh" she simply said, not exactly surprised. "Hi, Even" she added, smiling.

"Hey, Eva—" he began, trying to work out an excuse.

"I was wondering when you'd show up. Just do me a favor, don't let Jonas see you. He'll make you go back to Sana's – you know how superstitious he can be"

"Oh? Okay. Sure" he said, surprised as hell.

Isak could just watch the interaction.

"Great. Have fun, guys. 'Night!" she cheerfully said, before proceeding downstairs.

Isak turned back to Even, both shocked and not sure how to react to what had happened.

When they got to Isak's room, Even immediately grabbed Isak by the waist, turning him to face him before starting to kiss him.

"What were you doing before I texted?"

"Headed to the shower"

"Oh?"

"Wanna join me?"

\\\

They walked in the bathroom, quietly. Once Isak had closed the door, he turned around to find Even looking back at him, smiling. They didn't say a word to one another, instead they both started to undress, eyes fixed at one another. Isak walked in the shower and Even followed, finally breaking the silence, after looking at Isak, up and down.

"God, you're beautiful" he said, softly, almost out of breath.

Isak smiled and bit his lip, as he took a step further and wrapped his arms around Even's neck, kissing him.

He thought of how this felt. It wasn't erotic exactly; there was something tender about it, something innocent. They were kissing as if they were teenagers, clumsily at first, then quickly finding a rhythm and a pace. It wasn't the kind of make out session that would necessarily lead to sex, it was somehow more than that. It was enough, standing under the water, slowly kissing Even's lips, feeling his hands move down Isak's body, pressing his skin firmly as they tried to make sure there was no space between them. Nothing could be better than this, Isak thought. Nothing could spoil this moment, ruin how it felt as though Even could press Isak's skin as hard as he possibly could, it still wouldn't be enough.

Almost nothing, that is. 

For as it turned out, Jonas could.

"Sorry, man. Eva is in our bathroom and I just couldn't wait" Jonas said, barging in and proceeding to use the toilet.

Isak and Even immediately pulled away, with Isak instinctively putting his right hand over Even's mouth, as to cover it, as he pushed him against the wall and turned his head to try and see if there was enough water vapor covering the glass, meaning they were unable to see Jonas and, of course, Jonas would be unable to see inside the shower.

"How do you like the shower? The hydraulics in this house is amazing" He casually commented.

"Uh, yeah, I was gonna mention it. Great pressure" Isak said, trying his best to sound chill.

"Isn't it? You gotta have pressure"

Isak looked up at Even as Jonas spoke, and for a moment he could kiss him, he looked so desperately cute.

"I was thinking" Jonas went on. "Why don't you and Even go up to the cabin sometime? Eva and I aren't going to be able to go anytime soon, not with her pharmaceutical case so close to a verdict. You guys should totally get away from here after the wedding"

"Uh, sure. If that's alright, I mean"

"You think you guys would like that?"

"Yeah, of course"

"What do you say, Even? Should I give you guys the keys to the cabin?" Jonas said, instantly making Isak wish he could drown in the falling water.

Even looked down, hopelessly staring at Isak, begging him to save him. But Isak couldn't, all he could do was uncover Even's mouth as he let his forehead fall to his chest.

"Wh— What?" was all Isak could muster.

"Come on, guys. There are two sets of clothing on the floor"

"Sorry, Jonas..." Even started to speak.

"Hey, that's alright. At least it's you two and not Mags and Vilde christening this room"

"We're not doing anything. Not anything like that—" Even said, at once.

"Relax, dude. Just do me a favor and don't let Eva catch you. She loves that you two are sticking with tradition" he said, flushing.

They exchanged a "What the fuck?" look and smiled.

"Will do" Even kindly said.

"Great" Jonas said as he washed his hands.

For a moment, they weren't sure as to whether or not Jonas was still there.

"Guys?" he finally said.

"Yeah?" Isak said.

"I'm really happy for you"

"Thanks, man" 

"Thanks, Jonas"

"Should we hug it out?" he suggested.

"Tomorrow? Definitely" Isak told him, smiling.

"Tomorrow" Jonas repeated. "Behave, you two" he then added, leaving the bathroom.

Even immediately relaxed, taking a deep breath.

"Why does he always catch us?" he hopelessly asked a grinning Isak.

\\\

Once back in the bedroom, Even sat on the foot of the bed and watched as Isak made his way to his bag, rummaging inside it for fresh clothes.

"You know, I didn't bring any clothes"

"I know. Guess you'll just have to be naked" he said, without turning around.

"Not if you're not" Even told him. "Besides, this house is kinda chilly"

Isak then turned, throwing Even a t-shirt.

"Here"

"I dunno. Suddenly I'm leaning towards 'naked'" Even said, watching as Isak took off his towel.

"Well, we don't have to worry about anyone walking in..."

"True"

"Are you sleepy?"

"Not one bit. Are you?"

"Nope. I don't feel like sleeping yet"

"What should we do?"

"I do have an idea. Only, it may be a bit lame"

"Sex is never lame, Isak"

"Of course not, but that wasn't my original idea. Although there will be time for that in a bit"

"Go on"

"I thought we could maybe watch a movie and cuddle?"

"Sounds brilliant"

"Yeah?"

"Sure. You pick the film, though"

"Why me? You're the filmmaker"

"I want you to"

"Romeo & Juliet?"

"I'm such a lucky man"

\\\

When movie was over, Isak lay on top of Even, facing him. As Even stroked his hair and occasionally pressed his right hand on Isak's side, Isak kept alternating between kissing Even's chest and resting his chin just over his heart as they talked.

"Just think, within hours you'll be my husband" Even said, gently squeezing Isak's side.

"I just love how that sounds" Isak said. "Husband" he added, kissing Even's chest before turning his head to the side and leaning on it.

"Husband" Even repeated.

They went silent for a moment, as Isak ran his knuckles gently over Even's ribcage, up and down.

"I think we should talk now" Even said.

"About what?" Isak asked.

"Stuff I don't like to talk about?"

"We don't need to" Isak told him. "We've got time"

"I know" he said. "We don't have to go into too many specifics, but I think I'm ready to talk about it"

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh" he said.

They fell quiet again, and Isak eventually smiled when he realized it was probably because Even didn't know how to start the conversation.

"What should I do?" Isak asked him. "If, you know—"

"No machines" Even said. "No pain" he said.

"Okay"

"You?"

"If nothing can be done, no machines for me either" Isak said. "Just... Wait until you're ready"

"Do you want to be cremated?" Isak asked, curiously.

"Sure" Even said.

It made Isak laugh, for some reason.

"Sure" he repeated, mid-laugh.

"What?"

"You sound so casual, like it's no big deal"

Even laughed.

"I dunno, do I?" he said. "I mean, I don't really think there's any other alternative. I think burying someone is freaky, so I wouldn't want that"

He thought about it for a second before continuing.

"Ideally I'd like a viking burial, but one can't have everything"

"Viking?" Isak said, laughing louder.

"It's badass"

"I suppose..."

"Why? Can you think of a better way?"

"Better isn't really the word I'd use" Isak said. "I saw this green urn. I thought that was kinda cool"

"Green urn?"

"Yeah like, there are these wholes in it and they mix in some seeds so someone can plant the urn and it can turn into a tree"

Even broke out laughing.

"What?" Isak asked, also laughing, but at him rather than his idea.

"That's so responsible" Even said.

"It is, though"

"Are you telling me you want me to plant you?"

"Sounds weird, I know" he said, still laughing. "But yeah"

But Even suddenly went silent.

"How—" he said, turning serious. "How did you find out about that?"

"I dunno" Isak lied.

There was no excusing it, either. Not this time. He just couldn't bring himself to tell him he'd looked into it. It felt wrong, somehow. Even more so than a lie.  
Neither of them spoke for the next five minutes. They seemed to be holding on to each other tighter, Isak noticed.

"After my dad left" Isak finally said, with his head on Even's chest, turned to the side as he watched the rain fall. "Jonas and I were going to school one morning, only I forgot something and we had to double back"

Even didn't say anything. He didn't interrupt.

"We got home and he waited downstairs as I ran up to my room to grab my book" he said, taking a deep breath before continuing. "My dad was there, super drunk"

Even wrapped both arms around Isak's back, holding him close.

"He apologized for leaving" Isak said. "He said he was sorry, but he just couldn't be around people he didn't love"

"Isak—"

"Then he thought it was a good idea to hand out advice"

Isak took a minute in order to actually speak. It was still so vivid in his head, that morning.

Even said nothing. He just waited for him, as always.

"He told me never to try and do it. Fall in love? He said it was just something of a sad reality for the people in our family" he said. "We just can't, even when we want to, we are not able to do it"

"He said that?"

"He told me if I ever did try it, it should be with someone who would understand. But that it ultimately didn't matter, for it went both ways"

"What does that mean?"

"It meant love was just not a reality. Not for me at least"

"Isak—"

"I dunno at what point I started crying, I... I can't remember exactly" he said, almost ashamed. "But I think I was kinda loud, because the next thing I knew, Jonas was there and started arguing with my dad"

Isak absolutely hated that he would still cry when talking about it. He could feel as tears rolled down his face and fell on Even's chest.  
"He ended up punching him" he mentioned.

"Good" Even said, and it made Isak smile, even though he couldn't stop crying.

"Next thing I know Jonas was grabbing my hand and leading me outside" he said, slowly as if it were happening all over again. "We didn't go to school that day. Instead we just walked around town, mostly in silence the whole time"

"You know he wasn't right, don't you?" Even asked him.

Isak didn't say anything.

"Isak?"

"I know" he said, quietly.

"Are you sure?"

"I didn't, for a while" he said. "Then I met you and—"

"What?"

"I felt it"

"What about towards you?"

"I know you love me, Even"

"Good, because if you didn't we'd have a problem" he said, kissing the top of his head.

"I just— If I ever seem to be doing it wrong, will you tell me?"

"Isak—"

"I just want to do it right"

"You do it right" Even said, with such warmth. "Look at me" he asked.

Isak didn't move.

"Look at me, babe"

Isak lifted his head and turned it to face him, he had never felt so small.

"I feel it, all the time" Even said.

"You do?"

"Oh, babe" Even said.

He kept holding him tighter.

"You bring me back, every time"

Isak couldn't speak.

"I can promise you if you'd like. It'll be the easiest promise I'll ever get to make"

"I just—"

"You know how to love, Isak. And it's so easy to love you" he said. "So easy" he repeated.

Even took one hand from Isak's back and took it to his cheek, wiping Isak's face, with such tenderness.

\\\

“What, babe?”

Isak hadn’t notice but he was staring.

“You’re so beautiful” Isak couldn’t help but tell him.

Just as he did, he felt as Even’s heartbeat became faster.

Isak leaned his head on his chest, kissing it as softly as he possibly could. He then looked up again, and touched his nose on the tip of Even’s, like they so often did, before cupping his face and starting to kiss him.

Even turned Isak around, so he could be on top of him.

They kissed like that for almost an hour, with Even running his hands up and down Isak’s body as Isak carved his fingernails on Even’s back.

Eventually, Even grabbed Isak’s thigh and pulled his leg up, kissing him before sliding inside him.

They looked at each other as he did.

“Do you want me to go faster?” Even asked as he started to move.

“No” Isak shook his head.

“No?” he repeated.

“Just… stay inside me” Isak said, somewhat out of breath. “And keep looking at me”

“I can do that” Even said, smiling.

They barely spoke, it was perhaps the single most erotic thing Isak remembered ever doing.

\\\

It was still dark out when they heard someone knock on the door.

Even pulled the duvet up so as to cover Isak’s body, just in time.

“Sorry” Eva said, opening the door with one hand covering her eyes and the other holding her phone.

Even laughed.

“You can look, Eva” he said, trying to sit up.

Isak didn’t even move.

“Did you let Sana know you were coming here last night?” she asked him, whispering, as to not wake Isak.

“Um… no?”

“Yeah, she thinks you got cold feet”

“What?” he said, laughing rather loudly.

Loud enough to wake Isak.

“What is it?” Isak mumbled, turning to Even and putting his arm around his waist as he scooted closer to him.

He had no idea Eva was in the room.

“She just called me and she’s freaking out” Eva said. “I didn’t know if I should tell her you were here or not, so I just told her—“

“I’ll text her in a while” he said, going back to whispering.

“She’s pissed”

“She can’t be pissed, she’s my best man”

Eva stood for a second, smiling as she noticed how Isak slept.

“I’m going to go make coffee” she said. “Do you prefer tea?”

“Coffee is fine. I’ll come down and help”

“That’s okay. Jonas is still sleeping” she told him. “It’s your wedding day, stay in bed with your husband a bit longer” she kindly said, making Even beam.

“Thanks, Eva”

“Are you nervous?” she asked him.

“I get to marry Isak. I’m not nervous” he said.

She looked at him for a moment before speaking.

“I’m going to cry so much at this wedding…” she said, shaking her head as she turned around and left, closing the door behind her.

“What’s wrong?” Isak slowly said, without moving.

“Nothing” Even told him, scooting down again and putting his arm around him. “Sleep”

“Okay” Isak mumbled.

\\\

Sana stood in the middle of the room holding Even's jacket as she waited as he threw up for the second time.

When he opened the bathroom door, he was pale as paper.

"Yeah, I did that a few times on my wedding" she said, trying to be sympathetic.

"I think I'm going to die" Even said, dragging himself over towards the bed and falling on it, head first.

Sana turned to put his jacket on a nearby chair. She proceeded to open the minibar and get four things from it: a bottle of water, a bag of cashews and a two tiny bottles of vodka.

"Here, you need to hydrate" she said, handing him the bottle of water before she opened the bag of cashews.

"I don't want water" he said, head lodged between two pillows.

She unscrewed the lid on both vodka bottles.

"Let's make a toast, then" she said, poking him on the back with the bottom of the tiny bottle.

He turned around and sat up.

"What should we toast after?" he asked her.

"Isak?" she suggested.

Even smiled.

Sana drank a large sip and Even finished the bottle on his first try.

"Now, eat" she told him, handing him the bag of nuts.

"I can't"

"Do you want to pass out during your vows?" she asked. "You need salt"

Even put his hand in the bag and removed a single cashew.

"Why are you this nervous?" she asked. "Isak is in the next room, it's not like he's going to bolt"

"What if he changes his mind?" he asked. "What if he does it while we're in the middle of the ceremony?" he added, looking terrified.

"This is Isak we're talking about"

"What if he hates being married to me?" he asked. "What if he regrets it?"

"Again, we're talking about Isak here" she said. 

"Can I make him happy, Sana?" 

"Don't you think he is already?" 

\\\

"This tie is fucking broken" Isak said, as he tried for the third time to do his tie but failed miserably.

Jonas had been watching quietly.

He stood up and stood next to him.

"Let me" he said.

Isak turned to face him.

"Stand still, will you?" he said, trying to fix Isak's tie as he moved nervously. "You're shaking way too much"

"I can't help it"

"I thought you said you weren't nervous?"

"I'm not" Isak said.

"Right"

"What time is it?"

"We're not going to be late" Jonas said. "Chill, man"

"I don't want to keep him waiting"

"It's Even" Jonas said. "He won't mind if you're late. As long as you show up" 

"Of course I'm showing up" 

Jonas' phone vibrated and lit up. He took one look at it, smiled and put it back on his pocket. 

"It's time" 

\\\

When Isak and Jonas went downstairs, a nervous Even paced around the antechamber next to where the ceremony was taking place.

"Why the fuck are you two late?" Vilde said.

She had on one of those headphones with a mic connected to a radio that she used to communicate with Chris and Mahdi, both of whom were helping her with the guests and the final details of the ceremony.

"Two minutes. We're too minutes late because the elevator took to long" Jonas said.

The moment Even saw Isak, they both smiled.

"You look so nice" Isak said, biting his lip.

"You look beautiful" Even told him.

Even took a step forward to kiss him, but Vilde was quick to get in between the two.

"We've no time for that. The ceremony is about to start" she said.

Even looked so disappointed Isak wanted to propose all over again.

\\\

The ceremony and the reception were to take place at the same hotel.

In a large ballroom, twenty-one round tables had been set, each sitting five people. They were spread throughout the room, forming a great circle in the middle - the dance floor.

In a smaller, cosier room, fifty chairs were layed out in a semicircle, facing the front. There were two large double doors. One which connected both rooms, and another that was the entrance to the ceremony.

There was no aisle, and no sides in which the guests were to be seated. Instead, all of the guests were to sit wherever they liked, and they as well as the minister and both grooms entered and exited the room through the same door.

Every chair was taken, with the exception of most of the front row.

Isak's parents, his brothers and stepmother were sitting in the middle, next to Even's mother and father. Aside from them, only Yousef sat with little Isak on his lap, and William sat next to them, playing with little Isak.

They all happily chatted while they waited.

The minister, a tall, thin man, stood at the front, and it wasn't long until the double doors connecting the two rooms were opened, and Vilde entered, followed by Sana, Eva, Noora, Chris, Eskild, Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas.

Even and Isak came in right behind them.

All of them took their seats, except for Sana and Jonas, both of whom stood next to Isak and Even.

Everyone was silent as the minister started to speak, welcoming everyone and saying a few words Isak and Even seemed unaware off.

They kept looking at one another as if they were on their first date.

"Have you prepared something?" the minister finally turned to ask them.

"Um—" Isak started to say, but was quickly interrupted by Even.

"I have" Even said, looking at the minister.

"What?" Isak asked, confused.

And nervous. Isak was quite nervous.

"Go ahead" the minister said, as Even looked down at his hands for a moment before looking up at Isak.

Isak looked around quickly, almost disoriented.

Sana stood behind Even and Jonas was standing almost next to Isak. He noticed how they kept looking at one another.

"Isak—" Even said, quietly. "I thought about what I should say today, and it took me a while to finally settle on the right thing"

Isak felt as though he was petrified, as if lightening had struck him. He couldn't move or speak, and breathing was somehow happening without him having any control over his lungs, he noticed.

"I don't think there's much I can say you haven't already heard" he said. "I don't think we have a lot that's been left unsaid over the past seven years - which is perfect but makes writing vows a bit tricky" he added, managing a nervous smile.

Even seemed so nervous, perhaps as much as Isak, maybe more so.

"See, I know you" he said, with such warmth. "Maybe not as well as you know me, but I certainly know you better than you realize"

Isak smiled.

"You love candy floss, but you haven't had one since you were eleven" he said. "Which is why there'll be tons of candy floss at the reception" he told him, trying to wink.

Isak wanted to reach out and hold his hand, but he felt as though that might make him lose focus, so he didn't.

"I know you listen to certain songs because you think you need them to feel tough" he said. "Which you don't, because you're the bravest person that I know.

"You say you're not kind and yet everything you say and do is coated in kindness" he said, and as he did, he stopped and soon after broke into a smile, as if remembering something important.

Isak was hanging on every word Even said.

"You like hugs" he told him, and it was at that moment Isak started having trouble seeing Even through the water in his eyes. "And it's so good that you do because that's one of my favorite things to do, you know? Hug you" 

"You prefer to say I certain words only when we're together because you feel it hurts too much to do it when we're apart" he said, almost with admiration. "Which makes sense, because you make sense"

"And you hate promises" he said, shacking his head. "Something that makes all this kind of difficult seeing as all I seem to want to do is to promise you as much as I possible can"

"But you hate it, so I won't" he assured him. "Instead, I'm going to do what we always do. I'm going to promise only that which I can keep. I'll only promise you what I know I can"

He turned to face the minister again.

"Can he— Does it have to be like a monolog or can he, you know, participate? "

Everyone laughed, and as Isak looked around he was able to notice Eva, Vilde and Noora were all crying.

"It's your wedding" the minister said, kindly, signaling the guests.

"Babe?" Even said, softly.

Isak simply widened his eyes as if responding.

He didn't think he could speak.

"I think I know something I can tell you. Something you haven't heard yet" Even said. "It's not so much a promise, as much as it is fact. Either way, I can keep it"

Isak felt his whole body start to shake. The longer he stood there, listening to Even, the more he felt as though unable to control himself.

"But I need you to remember. I need you promise you'll remember" he said, as if waiting for Isak to reply. "Can you do that?"

"I— " Isak said but had to clear his throat before he could go on. "I'm pretty sure I won't forget this minute"

"Yeah? " Even said, beaming.

Isak nodded.

"Okay" Even said.

He took a deep breath, as though he needed to find some courage.

"Isak, I won't leave" Even simply said, and it took Isak's breath away, instantly.

"Even— "

"I know" he smiled. "I know you think it's not something one can promise. Or even something that's fair to ask..."

Isak kept looking at him, utterly speechless.

"Is that it? Is that why you've never asked? Because you don't think it would be fair to ask me to say it?"

All Isak could do was nod.

"I thought so" Even proudly said. "It is, though— "

But Isak shook his head.

"Yeah, it is" Even said, almost as if replying to something Isak had said.

"It is" he said. "If I can keep it, then it's fair to ask." And I can keep this promise. This is actually one promise I can easily keep"

"Are you sure?"

"I am" he said. "I won't leave, Isak. I promise you I won't. And you can ask me not to, whenever you want because my answer will always be the same. 

They looked at each other for a minute — one of their minutes, Isak thought.

"But if— If it's okay for me to ask, though" Even said, suddenly nervous. "Don't do it either, okay?" he asked, shaking his head, and there was such tenderness in the way he did it, Isak almost jumped to hug him.

Instead, he nodded. He kept nodding, until finally he was interrupted by the minister.

"Isak?" the minister kindly said.

"Shit" Isak said, looking down and wiping his eyes.

Everyone in the room laughed, most of them mimicking Isak and also wiping their eyes. 

"Sorry" he said. "I can do this"

He noticed Sana was also wiping her eyes behind Even.

"Even" he finally said. "You told me once that you knew. You said you knew we were going to meet, you knew I existed and it was a matter of time"

Even nodded, grinning.

"It's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me" Isak said.

It made him smile even more.

"You and I are different though. Imean, I knew you were out there, somewhere" he said. "I just— I didn't think meeting you was something that would happen - not to me"

It was Isak's turn to take a deep breath.

"You're so good, Even" he said. "So good— "

He had to stop, otherwise his eyes were going to betray him and Isak was trying very hard to keep those tears in, for as long as possible.

"You know I like to talk about infinity" he said, smiling. "And there's something kinda cool about it I think you should know"

"Yeah?" he asked, almost excited.

"You see, there are infinite numbers of universes out there, which means there are infinite Isaks and Evens. But what's amazing isn't that somewhere there's an Isak that's just about to meet an Even— "

Isak stopped for a moment, then he corrected himself.

"I mean, it is amazing, don't get me wrong. The fact that there's a version of us out there that's still only about to meet is so awesome" he said. "But in order for there to be all these versions, one has to be the real one, see.

"Yeah?" he said, somewhat unsure.

Isak smiled.

"Out of the thousands of Isaks and Evens out there, one needs to be the real ones. Just one" he said. "That means all the others are based on those first two, and it also means - and this is why I love this - no other version can be better. You know why?"

Even shook his head.

"Because they're modeled after the original, so they can only be as good as — never surpass it. Whatever happiness the original feels, whatever stupor, it can only equal that of the original ones, never be more. So, if the original Isak and Even experience some unbelievable happiness, then those versions will be able to experience it as well, but only after the original ones first do it" he said.

"How?"

"Thought" Isak said, amazed at how simple it was. "The original are the only ones who can doubt that they are or aren't copies. They're the only ones who can envision the possibility of their reality being fabricated and not being truth. Only they can fathom alternates"

Even smiled.

"See, that means we're the ones" Isak said, smiling.

It was the first time Even had cried. Against that, Isak thought, there was no way he could expect to keep his own tears from falling.

"And that's so awesome, because it means up until this very moment no version of us has ever been able to experience this very minute. But now that we have, they can" he said. "This happiness? They aren't able to fathom it yet. Not until we get to live it, not until this minute" he finally added.

"So when you ask me about parallel universes and whether or not there is a version of us out there who is better, and I tell you _no_ , it isn't a line" he said, and everyone smiled.

"It still works" Even said, smiling.

"It's just that no version can be better. Not better than this, better than us"

"No version is better than us?"

"No, baby" Isak said. "This moment? Right here? No version of us has experienced it yet. They have no idea there can be this much happiness"

Even wiped his eyes, seemingly unable to control them, same as Isak.

"But they will, because now we know. We've felt it, we've lived it first" he said, looking down for a moment.

He didn't speak for almost a minute. He didn't feel as though he could.

"There's an Isak out there, somewhere, who's so lonely—" he said, shaking his head before looking up. "And he's about to meet his Even and feel... **All of it"**

Even smiled.

"And someday he won't need to be so scared to ask his Even to tell him he won't leave him; so afraid to let him know that he's terrified of him leaving" he said. "Maybe he won't have to feel that for long, because of you"

Even tilted his head and smiled, so gentle.

"Can I kiss him yet?" Even turned to the minister and asked.

He smiled.

"Who has the rings?" he asked.

"We do" Sana said.

Jonas put both hands together to form a cup and Sana placed both rings on it. He then took a step forward and Isak and Even each took one.

"Even— " the minister said. "As I speak, you place the ring on Isak's finger"

"Okay"

Isak was feeling as though his heart was about to tear his chest open and all but fly to Even.

"Do you, Isak Valtersen, take Even Bech Næsheim to be your husband?"

Isak nodded, trying so hard not to cry.

"I do, yes" he said, smiling.

Sana and Jonas stood side by side, both were crying.

The minister then turned to Even.

"And do you, Even Bech Næsheim , take Isak Valtersen to be your husband?" he asked, as Isak slid the ring on Even's finger.

"Yes" he said. "Yes, I do" he repeated, absolutely beaming.

"In the name of the city of Oslo, and in the company of such loving family and friends, I am proud to now pronounce you two married"

Even instantly reached his hand out to cup Isak's face and pull him close, kissing him.

On that day, December 21st, 2018, Isak and Even were married.

\\\

At the reception, Vilde finally stood up and tapped on a champagne glass, getting everyone’s attention.

“Ahem” she cleared her throat. “It is now time for the newlyweds to have their first dance, after which we can all join!” she cheerfully said.

Isak absolutely hated the attention, but as soon as Even stood up and reached out for his hand, he loosened up and shut the entire room out.

They walked to the center of the ballroom and stood on the mark Vilde had told them about, a good fifty-two times.

Even placed both hands on either side of Isak’s waist, and Isak interlocked his fingers behind Even’s neck.

 **Patrick Wolf** ’s _The Days_ started being played.

As the first chords were heard they began to move.

“I love this song” Isak said.

“I know you do” Even proudly said.

“Sana likes it, too” he pointed out.

“I know” Even said. “A very small part of me chose it to spite her”

Isak laughed.

“How small?”

“Not as small as my I would’ve liked, but big enough to calm my pride?”

Isak ran both hands on Even’s lapel, making fists and pulling him close so he could kiss him.

“So” Even said, when they pulled away. “Are you ready?”

“Ready?” Isak repeated. 

“For what’s to come” Even said. 

“What’s to come?”

“So much” he said, almost in awe. “You’re going to get you tenure. I’m getting a five movie deal that’ll just be so awesome— ”

“I know you are”

“You’ll write a book”

“I will?”

“A great book” he said. “Once you’re done with your research”

“I see”

“We’ll get so old” Even said. 

They both laughed.

“I’ll ramble about infinity and you’ll try to hear me” Isak said. 

“In vain, I’m sure”

They fell silent for a minute, just enough for Isak to notice their surroundings for a beat. Eva, Jonas, Sana, Yousef, Magnus, Vilde, Noora, William, Eskild, Mahdi and Chris were all there, standing by the dance floor, all close together as they watched them.

“I got one for you” Isak said.

“Shoot” 

“Five years from now” he said. “You’ll be leaving the studio one day, one awful day—” 

“Awful?”

“Awful” he repeated. “Nothing worked that day. Everyone was late, an actor walked out, the dailies? Ruined by some intern”

“Jesus”

“And it gets worse” Isak said, somewhat impressed. “You get to your car, finally, and the thing won’t start. So you just leave it there and call an UberX”

“What’s an UberX?” he asked, curious.

“The future”

They both smiled.

“So now you’re on your way home and of course you get stuck in traffic” he said. “Which is so awful, because you’re probably getting fired due to such crappy day at the office, so you can’t very well afford UberX. Were it the old Uber, fine, but UberX?”

“So expensive” Even said.

“So very costly” Isak agreed. “And not only that, but you’re going home after having had a huge fight with me the night before”

“This is an a horrible day”

“Absolute worst”

Even leaned in and kissed Isak, slowly. 

“Was it my fault? The fight?”

“Of course” Isak told him. “I’m always right”

“I forgot”

“So you finally get home, exhausted. You don’t even go to the kitchen to eat, you just head upstairs, almost longing for bed” he said.

“Longing?”

“Yes, longing” Isak said. “All you seem to want is to lie down and wait for the next one, the next sunrise that’ll make it all better”

Even smiled.

“That’s when it happens” Isak said, solemnly.

“Oh God, what?”

“You enter the room and… I’m there”

Even widened his eyes.

“I don’t really say anything, I just let out a lame ‘Hey’, like a buddy or a friend”

“Oh”

“But I don’t sound mean – or mad. I’m just busy”

“That’s better” he said. “I was worried for a second there” 

Isak smiled, temporarily losing track of time.

“So you go to the bathroom, change and just let yourself fall in bed, utterly defeated”

“Poor me”

“Quite”

“I stop whatever it is I’m doing and just put it away. Then I stand up, I turn off the bathroom lights – because you never remember to do it—“

“I never do” he admitted, smiling.

“I walk around the bed and turn off your lamp, then I go back and lie down next to you”

“You do?”

“Uh-huh” Isak nodded. “Before I turn off my light, I lean in and give you a quick kiss. Nothing extraordinary, just a kiss”

“Then, what?”

“Then I wait with you" he said. "In silence or not. In the dark or not. But I wait with you for that next sunrise that can better the darkest of days”

“I like that”

“It’s nothing special. It’s borderline common, really. Just day-to-day life” Isak said. “But—“

“But I get to wait with you” he finished Isak's sentence. 

“Yeah” he said, leaning his head back a bit, asking for a kiss.

Even slowly leaned in and kissed him.

“God, I love you” he said, still with his eyes closed. 

Isak smiled.

“I know that” Isak told him, biting his lip. “I love you too, baby”

“I know you do” Even said, looking so proud.

They were quiet for a moment, until Even spoke.

“So you are?” Even asked him again. “Ready?”

“I’m ready”

\\\

**|E P I L O G U E|**

_15 years later…_

Isak and Sana got to Nissen almost at the same time. He was on foot, having come from the tram; she was getting out of her car when he arrived.

"Hey bud" Isak said, walking to her side.

She smiled.

"Where's Even?" she asked him.

"He's meeting me here" he said. "He got stuck at the studio, so he's picking me up later"

"Oh" she said, turning to face the front of the building.

There were dozens of students coming from the inside of the school, as well as some who were coupled up or in groups throughout the patio.

"He said Isak's going to ask permission to go to Jonas and Eva's cabin for the weekend"

"Ha!" she said, almost as reflex. "After the last time?"

"I—"

"Don't try to tell me you agree?"

"I kinda do?"

"Is that what Even said? Tell her to kinda let him?"

"He just said 'let 'em"

"Who is that girl?" she asked, suddenly more interested in a red haired girl standing next to Isak.

"Isn't that Clara?"

"Clara?" she repeated, somewhat annoyed. "Is that the girl he's been seeing?"

"I think so" Isak said.

"And how come you know her name and I don't?"

"Come on, Sana" Isak said. "He's seventeen, they're in high school"

"You and Even were in high school"

"Shit" he said.

She was about to elaborate when they noticed Isak, followed by the red haired girl and a tall, blue eyed boy coming their way. Isak and the girl were holding hands, while the other boy was glued to his phone.

"Uncle Isak!"

He may have been seventeen, but he still called out to Isak with the same enthusiasm he used to, when he was two.

"Clara, this is my mom, Sana" he went on to say. "And my uncle, Isak"

Both he and Sana smiled as they were introduced.

"We were thinking" he awkwardly said. "Could we by any chance go to uncle Jonas' cabin this weekend? Aunt Eva already gave the keys to Sara and—"

"She did?" Sana asked, surprised.

"She did"

"Who's we?" Isak asked them, genuinely curious.

"Um—" Isak said, looking at Clara and the boy for help.

Neither of whom seemed to be able to offer it.

"Just us three" he slowly said. "And some of the guys" he added.

Isak and Sana both squinted at the same time.

"You mean, those guys, over there?" Isak said, signaling with his chin to a group of five people. "The ones who keep staring?"

"Yeah" 

They were all doing a very lame job at looking chill, Isak thought. All except for a blonde guy, who seemed to be busy texting.

"I know maybe three of those kids" he said.

"I... I think I know the other two" Sana said.

"Come on, guys" Isak pleaded.

"Have you asked your father?" Sana asked.

"I'm asking you"

Touché, Isak thought.

"I say do it" Isak volunteered, earning himself an undefined stare from Sana.

"Fine" she simply said.

"Who's driving?" Isak asked, and all three looked at him at the same time.

"I am" Clara said.

"You're eighteen?" Sana asked, to which Clara simply nodded.

"You're awfully quiet" Isak said to the boy who basically hadn't looked at them twice.

"Sorry" the kid said. "Homework"

For some reason, Isak thought it bullshit. 

The kids started to all go back inside, and just as the one from their group put away his phone, the blonde kid standing in front of Isak seemed to have lost interest on his.

"We have to go" young Isak said.

"Okay" Sana told him as he hugged her and then Isak.

"Bye, bud" Isak said.

"You coming?" young Isak asked the other boy.

"In a minute" the boy said.

Isak and Clara turned around and started to walk back to the school.

"Will you two be okay alone all weekend?" the boy asked.

"I think we'll manage" Isak said.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do" he said, smiling.

"The fact that you say that and that it's actually sound advice either shows we did a horrible job as parents or we were brilliant at it" Isak said.

"Brilliant, of course" he said, spreading both arms as if showing off, then smiling smugly.

"Go. Study" Isak told him. 

He smiled, starting to walk away.

"Hey!" Isak said.

The boy turned back.

"Proper goodbye, what the fuck?"

"Sorry" he said, hugging Sana tightly soon after.

"Bye aunt Sana"

"Bye, bud" she happily said.

He then wrapped his arms around Isak.

"Bye dad" he said. "I'll text you guys"

He started to walk away.

"Jonas!" Isak called out.

"Yeah?"

"Have fun" he said.

He unsuccessfully tried to wink and then turned to head back inside.

Isak and Sana stood watching until there was no one else left outside the school.

"Is it just me or do you also feel old as fuck?" Sana asked, still facing forward.

"Not just you" Isak bitterly said.

"So" she said, as they turned back. "What do old people do?"

"Talk about their joints and how they ache?"

"Don't even joke, my back's been killing me all week"

They both laughed.

"Do you want me to wait for Even with you?" she said, opening her car door.

"Nah" he said. "I'm good"

“Will I see you at Noora’s tomorrow night?”

“Yes” he said. “We’ll be there”

He watched her as she drove away.

\\\

Isak stood around a bit, but eventually started walking for it was too cold.

As he did, he kept noticing how odd it felt every time he was back at Nissen.

Eventually, he found a bench – their bench – and sat down.

"I remember wanting to kiss you so bad when we first sat here" he heard Even say and quickly turned to find him standing next to him.

"Yeah?" Isak said, watching as Even sat beside him.

"I couldn't stop staring at your lips"

"I was so terrified that night" Isak confessed.

"You were?" he asked.

"Uh-huh" Isak nodded. "I felt... Everything"

Even smiled, then leaned in to kiss him hello.

"Sorry I'm late"

"That's okay"

"Do we really get to have the whole house for us for an entire weekend?"

"Yep" Isak said. "What should we do?" he asked, biting his lip.

"Well" Even said. "I have a ton of editing to do. You could help with that"

Isak turned serious quite instantly.

"A ton of editing?" he slowly repeated, appalled.

"What? Did you think we were going to have sex for three days straight?" he asked. "I'm not a young man anymore, Isak" he added.

"You're barely forty!" Isak said.

"Exactly" Even said. "We'll talk when you turn forty"

"Well, grandpa" Isak bitterly said. "Edit away"

Even laughed.

He watched Isak for a moment before speaking.

"Can we really stay in bed all weekend?"

"Yes, please" a happy Isak answered.

They fell silent for the next few minutes and during that time, Even took hold of Isak's hand.

"Does it seem different to you?" Even eventually asked him.

"What does?"

"The school. This bench. Me?"

Isak looked at him for a moment before answering.

"The school looks... A bit smaller" he said. "The bench is... Weaker maybe? A bit run down"

They both looked down, as though analyzing the bench.

"You?" Isak said, getting lost in Even as he did.

Isak reached out and ran his fingers on Evens hair.

"A few grey hairs" he said, before he could run a finger from his left eyebrow to under his eye, softly.

"This line, here" he said, smiling.

"I hate that line" Even said, putting his hand over Isak's.

"I love that line"

"Why?"

"It's from smiling" Isak said. "Don't hate something that came from smiling"

He smiled.

"What else?"

"You're still the same"

"Love _is_ blind"

"Shut up" Isak said, laughing.

"You look the same. You—" he said, as he put his hand over the left side of Even's chest, just above his heart. "Feel the same"

"Yeah?"

"You make me feel the same"

"Do you still get glimpses? Once in a while?"

"No" Isak said, simply. "I get them all the time"

"You do?"

Isak nodded.

"So" Even said, somewhat quietly. "You don't... You don't regret it?"

"Regret it?" Isak repeated, shaking his head. "Do you?"

"I'm— I'm just asking because—" he said, but didn't finish.

"What, Even?"

"All this time, Isak" Even said. "So much has changed. I was just wondering if you thought that — If you maybe thought that we're still—"

"Us?" he asked.

"Are we?"

"We're still us, baby"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am extremely thankful for all the people who have taken the time to read and follow this story. Evak is so important to me, to have this little version resonate with people the way that it has is truly wonderful.  
> I have read every comment and every kind word has just been amazing. 
> 
> This isn't an end exactly, for I really don't think they can end - even a single version of them is, to me, infinite. The Epilogue was added because I liked the idea of getting a glimpse at what's to come.  
> I will update again, but for now I just wanted to say thank you 💕


End file.
